"Thousand words"

Written By: ExecutiveShrimp

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not profit.

Rating: NC 17

Warnings: AU, angst, fluff, Lemon, OOC

Pairings: 2x1

Summary: Duo and Heero have to share a dorm room in college and they become best friends. When they discover that neither has time for, nor interest in a girlfriend, they explore a friends with benefits relationship. But sex never remains uncomplicated.

" Thousand words"

Seven

Heero didn't came home that night. That had me worried sick. I had quickly figured he had spent the night at his dad's house after the mandatory Sunday dinner, but that is exactly what I found to be so worrying. Heero hated his dad, so things must have been really bad between us for him to prefer sleeping over at his father's, rather than being faced with me.

So it was another sleepless night for me.

I was disappointed that my 'uncomplicated plan' to have sex turned out to be so spectacularly complicated. I had fooled myself into believing that Heero could approach the matter with the same kind of aloofness as I had. I realized I should just forget about it. The whole idea had been to be able to have sex without the confusing myriad of emotions; with the worry and the guilt, but I was obviously mistaken, if anything I felt more worried and more guilty and we hadn't even had sex.

As the night progressed, I couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like if we had had sex. Would he still have stormed out? Would I be feeling worried and guilty? Would we have enjoyed it? Would we have enjoyed it enough to move past the awkwardness and do it again?

I should just stop thinking about it, I told myself. There is no point in entertaining the thought. It was over, I wasn't going to go out on a limb and take that risk again, I'd be lucky to be able to patch things up with Heero as it was. He had been clearly freaked out when I had confessed to him that sexual thoughts of him didn't exactly put me off. The opposite in fact. And I still felt that way. I still felt that inexplicable tingle down my spine when I let my mind wander and I remembered that night when we had come home from the club and I had been stinking drunk. I would never dare to admit it out loud, but Heero's warm breath spreading across my chest as his fingers unbuttoned my shirt was one of the most sensual memories I had access to. Probably because I had just been so fucking drunk that my mind warped my senses and perspective, but still.

It would have been easier if I had had the same, strong reaction to this idea as Heero had. That way I could just let it go, shake it from my thoughts and go on happily pretending that no suggestion of that sort had ever been made. Now, it haunted me. I felt like a total creep, but I couldn't deny that even though I acknowledged how wrong it was, I was still so curious.

I blinked up at the ceiling, noticing rays of sunlight painting random shapes. The night was over, morning had come. Normally Heero would be getting out of bed now, as quietly as possible, getting dressed to go for his morning run. I turned my head and looked around the empty room. I imagined him standing there, limbs moving quickly and elegantly as he changed out of his nightwear and into his spandex shorts, grey hoodie and running shoes. As much as I was tempted to explore a new dimension to our unorthodox friendship, I valued our friendship the way it was too much to push it - possibly pushing Heero away.

I stayed in bed and waited for my alarm to go off before dragging my ass out from underneath the sheets. I got dressed in old jeans and a plain T-shirt and sweater and headed out the door, stopping by the coffeehouse for my regular dose of caffeine. As I crossed the campus - hot paper cup in my hand - I scanned the area, focusing on the gate, hoping to see him head for his own early morning classes. That was in vain. I hardly ever ran into Heero at school, being students of different departments, we had classes on opposite ends of the building.

Grumbling to myself I went upstairs to the small classroom tucked away in the back.

Mister Mulnick rambled on for two hours, discussing another philosophical subject that I couldn't be bothered with. I paid him no heed. I had tried to, but I was too distracted. Hoping Heero would be in the library for lunch as usual, I wanted to have some kind of peace-offering for him, so I put aside my notebook and dug out my sketchbook. I never got to finish the design concept for his Gundam, that I was supposed to help him with yesterday. He might be less inclined to kill me if I were to remind him that I could be a useful resource for his studies.

I started with a large drawing of the Gundam in it's humanoid shape, losing myself in the process. It was amazing how much detail I was able to extract from the description Heero had given me and I could hear him speaking passionately in my head as I worked on the individual parts. Getting excited about the project, I added small design details of my own and equipped the large robot with an immense laser beam gun. Heero was a total geek, so I figured he would probably appreciate that. On that note, I gave the Gundam a laser beam sword as well.

The sketch was finished about halfway into the lecture and I shook my head when I inspected the result. It was probably a bit too science-fiction-y to be appreciated by a serious engineering professor, but I would make a new one for Heero once I had gotten some of his feedback. If he was stilling willing to work with me, that was.

I made a second drawing of the Gundam morphed into it's aerodynamic shape. The sketch was much less detailed because without Heero's technical insight I had trouble figuring out where everything would go to successfully make the transition. I had to redo parts of it, furiously running my eraser over the paper.

The guy in front of me turned around and gave me an angry look when I accidentally blew the eraser residue into his neck.

"Sorry," I whispered, then continued my work.

It was really only a matter of time before: "Mister Maxwell?"

My heart sank. I looked up from my drawing at the professor looking at me smugly from the front of the class. "Yes, professor Mulnick?"

"What are you doing that is so much more important than my class?"

I inconspicuously closed my sketchbook. "Nothing?" I tried.

"You don't happen to be drawing another pornographic sketch again, do you?"

One time! One time and you're the guy that draws pornographic sketches! "No, sir, I wouldn't dare. Not after you had me write an essay on the morality of explicit sexuality and pornography in modern society."

"Then by all means, show us your sketch. Honor us with your impeccable artistry," he challenged.

"Uh..." I was a little self-conscious about showing the class a sketch of a giant, humanoid robot. I, unlike Heero, was not a geek and I didn't really jump at the opportunity of having people think otherwise. On top of that, I didn't want Mulnick to know I was helping Heero with his engineering design assignment, he'd probably talk Heero's professor into flunking him for enlisting the help of another student. "You know what, sir? I'm sorry, but it is, indeed, another explicitly vulgar sketch. So I'd rather not show it..." I slumped in my seat, knowing I would be writing another long essay.

"Well, Mister Maxwell, you are just a sick, perverted young man, aren't you?"

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Guilty as charged." I bet Heero would agree.

He seemed very pleased. With a big grin he announced: "You will be writing a follow-up on that essay. This time you will explore the moral views on sexual expression and pornography in ancient history. I'd advise you to focus on ancient Greek and Roman cultures, that should be an interesting read for me. Now, let's continue with the subject matter at hand..."

I stopped listening as soon as he turned back to face the blackboard. Of all the electives to chose from, I thought to myself, I just had to pick philosophy.

During the remainder of the class I didn't dare start to draw again. I didn't want him to double the word count on the essay, not because I was technically too busy, I just really hated writing essays.

Of course the lecture was so boring that I had no sufficient distraction and soon enough I was troubled by the same problem that had kept me up all night.

Why did I even say anything to Heero? I berated myself. I wasn't even sure if it was something I really wanted to do, right? I paused at that thought, suddenly not so sure. I had immediately been aware of the fact that the thought didn't bother me, but had I really been prepared to do it? What if Heero had said: "Okay!" I played that scenario in my head with startling results. If Heero had agreed to it, I would have definitely done it, I realized, or at least attempted to.

Professor Mulnick droned on, supposedly trying to engage us in the question of life, but I had a far more pressing matter on my mind.

Why was I still not freaked out by this?

I frowned at myself with disdain. God, am I such a douche that I can demean my best friend to a mere sex-object and not even think of him as a real person, as my friend - as my male friend? Because surely then it would freak me out, right? Had I always been that much of an insensitive, detached asshole? Maybe Hilde fucked me up more than I had ever imagined.

Lunch hour finally came and I rushed by the cafeteria to get three hot sandwiches, normally I would take the medium sized sandwiches, but that time I went with Large. It just seemed like the appropriate thing to do after proposing to your best friend to have sex together...

I don't think I was really thinking straight at that moment, being sleep-deprived and confused out of my fucking mind.

I bribed the librarian as usual and noticing the large size of her lunch, she wondered with a grin: "Do you have something to celebrate?"

"Sure," I answered dumbly. I figured I would be crossing a line by telling her the truth: that I had alienated my best friend and roommate by suggesting that we could have meaningless sex together. I rushed through the open space of the library towards our private study room in the back. With every step I prayed he would be there because I feared that the longer we would be apart, mulling over this in private, the more awkward it would be once we would finally be faced with each other.

In the hallway I paused momentarily to calm my breathing. I had been speed-walking so fast I had started to pant and I had been so nervous my face had turned an embarrassing red shade. After a few deep breaths I closed the distance to our study room at the far end and looked through the narrow window beside the door.

I sighed in relief when I saw him sitting in his usual spot, pouring over schematics with his characteristic, pensive frown. I opened the door cautiously and remained in the doorway as I greeted awkwardly: "Hey, man."

He looked up from his studies with an indifferent expression. "Hey."

I closed the door behind me and leaned against it. I didn't want to seem like I was intruding into his space without any regards for his feelings. I needed him to know that I would be respectful of his personal space and not try to jump him or anything. It was very important that he knew that.

"Mexican or Italian?" I inquired lightheartedly, holding up the sandwiches.

"I already ate."

"Oh," I looked down.

He looked back at his work but he didn't seem to be focusing on it.

"So," I started again, "you spent the night at your dad's?"

"Yeah..." he grumbled.

I sighed and finally walked further into the room. I guessed I needed to talk, more than I needed him to have his space. I took the seat next to his, making him visibly tense, and discarded the sandwiches on the table. "I'm sorry," I spoke up genuinely.

He snorted. "Well, you should be," he deadpanned, "I hate my dad."

"I know and I'm so sorry that I made you so uncomfortable that you felt like you couldn't come back to the dorm."

"You really freaked me out!" He exclaimed, looking up at me again.

"I know, I shouldn't have said anything."

"It's not just what you said..." he trailed off, struggling to find words. "I mean, what you said - what you suggested - was fucked up enough, but for you to get turned on thinking about me... that is just twisted! I really don't like you thinking of me like that. We're supposed to be friends and when you think of me like that, it makes everything weird. I mean, we're friends and roommates so we've seen each other naked or almost naked like a million times and that meant nothing. And now it's like: did you see, or did you watch?" He emphasized the last word and looked dutifully disturbed.

"This doesn't change anything between us. I had a stupid idea and I was stupid enough to say it out loud. It doesn't mean anything," I appeased.

He made a face, still hesitant. "Did you- oh God..." he took a deep breath and then looked at me with a mixture of fear and disgust. "When you said you got... hard, thinking of me... Did you jerk off, thinking of me?"

"No! I couldn't do it!" I answered almost excitedly, because that was the truth and I hoped dearly it would put him at ease.

He breathed a small sigh of relief. "That's a little better... I guess. Because that thought really pissed me off. That you would just do that and were willing to abuse our closeness like that..."

At his morose tone my heart sank. "I am really sorry."

"Yeah... me too."

I smiled at him. "You are?"

He shrugged his shoulders casually but his fingers played with the corner of a blueprint nervously as he quietly admitted: "As crazy as you were being, I shouldn't have pushed you like that."

A long silence stretched between us. Heero seemed lost in thought and I stared at him worriedly. Eventually, I asked dreadfully: "So are we okay?"

He sighed. "Yes, of course. If it really didn't mean anything, then there is no reason to let it affect our friendship. Right?"

Relief washed over me. I beamed a smile at him. "Right."

"What is with the super-sized lunches?" He suddenly asked, nodding at the sandwiches on the table with a frown.

"Oh, I just figured, since I had a lot to make up to you..."

"Well, if that's the case... I wouldn't want your gesture to go to waste." He reached out and grabbed the Mexican chicken sandwich. He unwrapped it and took a large bite, grinning at me.

I chuckled. "I thought you already ate."

"I lied."

"Hm. You little minx," I teased.

Heero shot me a sideway glance.

"Too soon?" I verified.

He nodded, then returned to his studies.

To keep both our minds from wandering back to that awkward place I showed him the sketches I had made and we lost ourselves discussing esthetics and functionality. I was relieved as it seemed things were almost completely normal between us. Almost. He did tense up every time I leaned in a little too close, or our hands accidentally touched as we pointed at details in the sketch. Part of him probably still wondered if my intentions were truly platonic. I guessed there was no other way for me to convince him of that other than to just pretend last night had never happened; no mentioning it, no more weird suggestions.

I silently wondered how long it would be until I would buy my own pretense. Outwardly pretending these thoughts had never existed in my head was far easier than really expelling every trace of them from my mind.

Every time the thoughts surfaced, I just had to push them aside and hope that one day they would magically stop surfacing. I recognized that wasn't going to be easy, because each time I looked at Heero I was reminded of my foolish idea - which still didn't seem all that foolish of me aside from the pressure it would put on our friendship.

With every glance his way I was reminded that I honestly believed I would be able to do it. I would be able to have sex with him. The weirdness and novelty of that thought wore off quickly after being exposed to it repetitively. Involuntary my mind noticed new things about Heero that I didn't think I had ever even noticed before, let alone given conscious thought, even though they had always been there.

Like his hands. I had never thought of Heero's hands before, but lately I couldn't help but notice how soft they were and how long and slim his fingers were. It wasn't long before I subconsciously started wondering how his hands would feel, touching me in the kind of intimate manner in which only girls had touched me. Those trains of thoughts I had to derail the instant I became aware of them speeding down the tracks, because they led straight to the stops stir-crazy-city and murdered-by-best-friend-junction.

Luckily, Heero never seemed to have heard them thundering along the tracks and things appeared blissfully fine between us by the end of the week. His swim competition had probably offered the appropriate amount of distraction to get us through it. As Friday drew near he became too excited and competitive to be bothered with what had transpired between us. And some time apart - as he trained intensively with Trowa and the other members of the swim team - helped the normalcy settle between us.

Thursday night we were cooped up together in one of our dorm building's bathrooms. I was rambling on about Hilde who had tried to talk to me again that day and Heero was shaving his legs in preparation for the swim meet. For me it was the ultimate proof that all weirdness between us had passed, even though I was secretly still kindling some within myself.

"I just cannot believe this. I thought for sure, after that night at the club, she would leave me alone. But now it seems I have made her see how wrong she had been and she's just relentless in trying to make it up with me." I scoffed. "Growing a conscience all of a sudden... what a bitch!"

Heero sat on the edge of the bathtub that was filled with a couple of inches of water in which he rinsed the razor each time after dragging it up his leg, covered with shaving cream. He was only wearing a loose button-up shirt and boxer briefs with the legs rolled up as far as possible, so he could shave the entire leg. I had asked him long ago why he didn't only shave the part that wasn't covered by his swim jammers, but apparently that would be weird, because then the lower leg would be shaved and the upper leg would be hairy.

It was a little difficult to continue my rant when so many things were hitting me like a ton of bricks all at once. The most jostling of which the curiosity at how his legs would feel, soft and shaven. Probably much like a girl, so it wouldn't really feel that different - or weird - to have his long legs wrapped around me.

The crazy-train whistled loudly so I shook my head furiously to bring myself to my senses.

"Maybe you should just let her," Heero suggested, leaning forward to rinse the razor in the layer of water and then starting again at the ankle.

"I'm sorry, what?" I blinked at him.

Heero rolled his eyes. "She doesn't necessarily want to get back together any more. She wants you to give her the opportunity to apologize and make it up to you. What's so bad about that?"

"Nothing, I guess," I grumbled, "But I'm still not in a forgiving mindset. Whenever she talks to me, I just want to pummel her with my braid. Is that bad?"

"Probably." He looked at me apologetically for thinking so. "It's oddly specific and weird too."

"Really?"

Heero temporarily put the razor down and raised one leg over the edge of the bathtub, straddling it, so he could face me. "What she did was really bad, but she didn't do it because she's a bitch. If she was, you two wouldn't have been friends first for such a long time."

"So why did she do it?"

Heero scoffed. "I don't know. Fear of losing you?" He turned around, swinging his leg over the edge back into the tub.

I sat down next to him with a sigh, balancing on the narrow edge. For a few minutes I watched him finish the task of shaving his legs, mesmerized by the motions of his hand as he dragged the razor along his long legs. When he stood up in the tub to reach the back of his thighs up to his briefs I looked away.

"Too bad I have to work tomorrow and the competition is in Pittsburg..." I commented, desperately searching for a different, more lighthearted topic to occupy my mind with.

"It's not going to be much of a competition anyway," Heero replied smugly. "They came in like three seconds behind us last time. Not exactly a photo-finish."

"Then why have you been training so much the last few days."

"Because I don't want Trowa to be faster than me," he said with a pout.

I laughed. "You do remember he is on your team, right?"

"But still..." he argued meaninglessly as he rinsed his legs with the shower head. "Help me out, will you? It will be tragic to slip and die like this."

I got up on my feet and took hold of his hand - his soft hand - when he reached it out to me and I held it tightly as he stepped out of the bathtub.

"Thanks."

"Sure."

We both looked away. So maybe things weren't completely back to normal yet.

Or maybe - just maybe - he noticed that my hands were sort of soft too. Or strong and big.

I groaned inwardly at myself.

Heero bent forward to pull the plug out of the bathtub and let the water drain. I had to look away because the sight of his ass, with his boxer briefs bunched up, wasn't something I had mentally prepared myself for and I feared a severe nosebleed would strike me as I strained to keep my thoughts from wandering into R-rated territory.

That was quite far from normal.

Fortunately I managed not to let it show and things settled down again once Heero had put his pants back on and we spent the rest of the evening working on his design project: me making new, more detailed sketches, as he talked me through it and gave me pointers. I couldn't help but be reminded of that previous Sunday and surely it crossed Heero's mind too, but it didn't affect either of us and we even ended up having fun.

The next day Heero and his team left on the university's varsity sport bus early in the afternoon, having a few hours on the road ahead of them. I cut my last class to see them off.

I walked next to Heero towards the parking lot where they were supposed to gather. Trowa and some of the other team members were already there, wearing matching navy blue sweat pants and vests and carrying duffel bags with the university's logo.

"Hey, dude." I shook Trowa's hand. "Good luck tonight."

He answered confidently: "I doubt we'll be needing it, but thanks."

I grinned at him. "So did you shave your legs?" I teased.

Rather than answering me Trowa faced Heero and commented dryly: "He is indeed fascinated with the leg shaving."

Heero nodded stoically and shrugged.

When the coach arrived the team was rounded up and made to board the bus. I wished Heero and Trowa good luck one last time, they both laughed it off. Then I headed back to the dorm. It was still early and I didn't have to go to work for a couple more hours so I wanted to get most of my homework for the beginning of next week done, leaving me the weekend to enjoy.

To get it over with I started work on my essay for philosophy class, but I barely managed to type a few words to make the Word page not look so desperately empty when there was a persistent knock on the door. I made a face because an unexpected visitor usually meant either Hilde or Relena and I contemplated ignoring it. But then I remembered I was in my twenties, not a baby, so I got up and opened the door.

"Carly," I identified, perplexed to see her. Carly was a raven haired goddess who majored in religious studies, most memorably though, she was one of the girls Heero had had sex with in the library. My dirty mind posed the question if she had been a study-room-girl or a restroom-girl, fully aware that that was of no significance whatsoever.

"Uhm, hi..." She squirmed. "I'm sorry, this is Heero's dorm room, right? Who are you?"

I was a little peeved she didn't know my name. It shouldn't have surprised me, we didn't share a single class, but I knew her name because she was so pretty and popular. I had clearly been overestimating my own reputation on campus when I had expected her to know who I was. "I'm Duo, I'm Heero's roommate."

"Heero isn't home?"

"No, I'm sorry, he's in Pittsburg for a competition. He won't be back until late at night." I noticed she was quite upset, so I asked with compassionate tone: "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, sure... I just have to tell him something."

Yikes, that didn't sound good. She's pregnant or she has an STD, I thought. I acknowledged that that was judgmental, but based on personal experience, I also knew those two were most likely, considering the circumstances. "If you want, I could leave him a message to call you as soon as he's done, or come over as soon as he's back here," I offered, with those two possibilities - pregnancy and STD - in mind, I understood if there was urgency to the matter.

She considered my offer, but eventually declined. "No, that's alright. Is he home tomorrow? I'll just stop by then."

"Yeah, he'll be home." He'll make sure he will be once I tell him of my suspicions.

"Okay, thanks. Bye."

"Bye..." I closed the door and mouthed: "Oh fuck".

I didn't get any homework done that afternoon. I tried, but failed miserably. I couldn't help but be assaulted by memories of my own, which were still fresh and painful like open wounds.

Prompted by Carly's unexpected visit and the ominous feeling she left me with, I remembered my time with Hilde, particularly how it ended, shortly before last summer break.

Hilde and I had been friends first, ever since Freshman year when mere coincidence teamed us up as introduction buddies during the first week of classes at the university. How could you not bond trying to figure out the massive copy machines or looking for the restrooms in the stretching corridors of the main building? At the time, I considered her my best friend, Heero was just "that guy I hate so fucking much". Things changed.

We started dating after coming back from Christmas break in our Junior year. It wasn't planned - not by me, anyway, I couldn't really say for sure whether or not she had orchestrated it - as far as I knew it just happened. She had organized a dinner in the common room of her dorm building, to celebrate her birthday with a small group of her closest friends, myself included. Relena was there too, she had worked her way into the inner circle really quickly after being paired with Hilde for a class at the start of the academic year. I always suspected Relena had something to do with the way things transpired from that point on.

After dinner, at a late hour, I helped Hilde clean up and to make the process more bearable she opened up another bottle of red wine and we made quick work of it as we shuttled plates back and forth between the dining room and the kitchen. We were laughing our ass off at nothing. We were really drunk. When we were done, I didn't want to go back to my dorm room. It was so late and I was so drunk, I knew I would wake up Heero stumbling into bed and I didn't want to do that because we had already had a heated discussion about me getting stupid drunk earlier that week. I guessed I just didn't want to sit through a speech before going to bed, when I could just as easily sleep on the couch in the living room of Hilde's building.

I settled on the couch and Hilde brought me a spare blanket. When she moved to drape it over me, she lost her balance and fell on top of me. First we laughed, but then, quickly, inexplicably, we were kissing and groping and grinding. I never managed to remember who initiated any of it.

The next morning I was hung over but what bothered me most was the guilt. I wasn't interested in Hilde that way, it had been a mistake to kiss her, but I could never tell her that because as soon as she saw me she kissed me again and told me how happy she was that we finally moved out of the friends-zone. Apparently she had been waiting for it for quite some time.

I figured I might as well date her and give her an honest shot, like I always did when I ended up randomly kissing or sleeping with a girl. Just because the feelings hadn't been there previously, didn't mean they couldn't blossom over time. And why wouldn't it work out? I thought to myself. We were great friends - no longer best friends because by then my hetero bromance with Heero was fully fledged - we obviously liked each other and trusted each other.

After only a few weeks I came to the same conclusion that eventually dawned on me with all my girlfriends: I wasn't in love with her. Momentarily I argued that that didn't matter, we got along and the sex was fine. I couldn't keep up that illusion for long. There was nothing there beyond a purely platonic friendship and each time she kissed me, or touched me, I was only bitterly reminded of the fact that even though I liked her kisses and touches, I didn't feel anything. This emptiness that had been within me for as long as I could remember, the emptiness that I expected to have filled with love once it would come to me, was painfully hollow and it didn't matter how many sweet nothings she whispered in my ear, they echoed off the walls and disappeared into the void darkness.

I had to break it off. I had been reluctant to do so, that is why my relationship with her lasted as long at it did, but I knew I had to. As I was working up the courage and searching for the right words, she must have noticed something was off. She had seen me do it to all my other girlfriends - fuck it, I even invited her to that damn coffee house; my break-up-coffee-house. She left promptly with Relena and two of her other friends for a road trip, cutting an entire week's worth of classes and being strategically unable to meet me at the coffee house.

When she came back, I had to gather my courage anew. I let a few days pass and then, as were strolling across campus, I told her I had to talk to her.

Hilde said in a quiet whisper, suddenly emotional: "I have to tell you something too."

"Oh..."

We found a park bench and sat down. I held her hands, they were trembling. I opened my mouth to tell her I loved her, just not in that way, but I was interrupted.

"I'm pregnant," she announced and then squeezed my hands as suddenly the tables had been turned and mine had been the ones to tremble.

My whole world was turned upside down. In that moment, not a single particle of me was happy at the news. Inside I was in a full state of panic. Needless to say, neither of us were ready to have a baby, we were both still in school, Hilde's family was poor, mine was rich but would never support us, especially not financially. But as scared as I was, I was determined not to be a coward.

I told her, on that park bench: "I promise I'll do the right thing."

Hilde asked me: "What is the right thing?"

"Whatever you want."

And I did.

After a few weeks, I asked her to marry me. I knew I had to get a fulltime job to support this new, young family, so I made preparations to leave school at the end of the academic year - both Heero and WuFei fervently tried to talk me out of it, but to no avail. Just to be sure, I joined my parents for dinner one weekend and told them of the situation and asked for any contribution they were willing to give. My father was so angry and disappointed that he proved me right and offered me nothing, even going as far as screaming that he was disowning me. My mother, too afraid to stand up to my father, didn't say anything. But once the tyrant had left the dinner table, kicking and screaming, she opened her purse and gave me all the cash money she had - a few hundred dollars - with an intensely apologetic expression.

The situation strained my relationship with Hilde even more. We fought constantly and drove each other crazy.

However, in the face of the hardship, I grew to love that baby that was growing inside her. I vowed to be a better father to that child than my father had been to me. I became more at ease with the upcoming changes. I hated that I had to leave school and my friend and jump head first into a deep, dark pool of responsibility and commitment that I honestly felt I wasn't ready for. The baby made everything worth it. Finally, I felt true love for someone and I would truly be loved back.

But that smidgen of happiness would come crashing down and join everything else in my life that was broken.

It was at a pre-final-exam party.

I had only a few more weeks of classes left before summer would start and I would drop out as planned. I already had a meaningless job lined up at a local supermarket as fresh-produce manager. But I was studying hard anyway, my teachers encouraged me to do so with the promise that they would always be available to give me good references, in spite of me not being able to attain my diploma.

The party was hosted each year, a good way to blow off steam and get rid of some of those pre-exam nerves.

Heero wasn't at the party, he was in our dorm room studying. Instead I had invited WuFei, I figured it would be a good chance for us to bond. He didn't agree with the decisions I had made regarding Hilde and that had caused tension between us. The party was huge, encompassing several dorm buildings and the sprawled lawns between them. With every step you took red plastic cups crunched under your feet as even the grass got drunk on spilt alcohol.

I had lost sight of Hilde as WuFei and I went our own way, exploring the party and talking to other people. I candidly shared my experiences of the past few weeks with him.

"Hilde and I aren't really getting along. Doing the right thing sure never felt so wrong. we fight constantly and she doesn't even seem like herself anymore. She is not the friend I used to know. And what frustrates me endlessly is that she still refuses to tell anybody that she is pregnant! She is only going to end up alienating her friends like this, by springing it on them at the last moment, when her belly will be starting to show. Oh God and she is always so vague when I ask her if she is making any arrangements with school or if she talked to her uncle about subletting that apartment of his downtown!"

WuFei offered me nothing of more value than a few nods and "ahuh's". He clearly stuggled suppressing his opinion on the matter: that he didn't agree with any of it.

I didn't want to have another fight with him, so I changed the subject. "Heero is not going to like this loud music!" I told WuFei as we walked along. I raised my hand in a greeting at one of the guys on the basketball team. Basketball, I mused, I was going to miss that. I had to be an adult now, a responsible adult. How much time will there be left for games when you're working double shifts to support the baby that demands all your remaining spare time?

"I'm guessing: no!" He looked around a little uncomfortably and then asked: "Building B is yours, right? Do you mind if I use the bathroom there?"

I snorted at him. "WuFei, you can just use the bathroom here." I gestured at dorm building D by which we were standing.

He made a face and then headed off in the direction of Building B.

So much for our bonding experience, I thought as I found myself alone, partying people all around me. I looked at their smiling faces and realized I wasn't going to miss any of them. The only one I would miss, was Heero. Heero disagreed with my radical approach as much as WuFei, but, surprisingly, he was more tactic in his approach, not yelling at me or judging me like WuFei, only stealing quiet moments to ask me with evident concern if I was sure about what I was doing.

Of course I wasn't.

I hoped we would stay in touch and I promised him I would do my best to maintain our friendship, but I had to be realistic.

Being realistic made me sick though, so I went over to the set-up of tables at the front of building D and got myself a beer. I preferred a blistering headache in the morning over heartache at night.

A few minutes later WuFei found me in the crowd, he looked distraught.

"I know," I commented dryly, "we haven't cleaned it in quite some time..." in reference to the dorm's bathrooms.

He shook his head, then seemed at a loss for words.

"Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

He frowned deeply and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "I did see... something..."

Not yet aware of the seriousness of the situation, I joked: "Was someone running around naked? Did he happen to have bright yellow hair?" It wouldn't be the first time...

"I saw Hilde," he started and after a pause he finally admitted: "drinking."

"Like a glass of ice tea?"

"Like a bottle of tequila."

"What?!" I stared at him. I couldn't believe him. I literally couldn't and didn't believe him. "Why would you say that?"

He looked back incredulously. "Because that is what I saw!"

"You're lying!"

He scoffed, offended. "I'm not. I saw her by building C with Relena, drinking straight from a bottle of tequila."

I shook my head furiously. I honestly thought he was just saying those things to cause a rift between me and Hilde, so I would dump her and stay in school, the latter of which being exactly what he and Heero had been trying to convince me of all that time. "I can't believe you are fucking saying this shit! She is pregnant with my child, she wouldn't drink! She fucking knows better than that!"

That caught the attention of the people in our direct vicinity, so from that point on we had a sizeable audience.

"Fuck you, Duo! If you seriously think I would lie about a thing like that..." He grunted and balled his fists in anger. He seethed: "Look, I hadn't been meaning to say it, because I couldn't really believe it to be true myself, but now it seems like I should tell you... I've suspected for a while now that she is not pregnant."

"You asshole!" I screamed. "How twisted do you have to be to think someone would lie about something like that? Not just someone, but my friend, my girlfriend- my fiancé!"

"Duo, calm down. Think about it! She hasn't been to a doctor yet and refuses to go. You are making all these plans and she's not taking any of it seriously. And now she is drinking, when clearly Hilde would know better than that! You said yourself that you thought she suspected you were about to break up with her, right before she told you she was pregnant! I think she panicked and lied!"

I was so angry, there were no words. There was only my fist.

In my memory I saw my balled up fist flying through the air in slow motion and I could see the movement in his skin and his head knock back as I hit him in the face.

He visibly restrained himself from hitting me back. When his anger subsided, he was left looking hurt, emotionally hurt. "I've been your friend since... forever," he reminded me with a heartfelt tone. "And now you can't even trust me?"

WuFei left and he never came back.

Considering how things turned out, I should have called him, I should have apologized. But I hadn't yet found the strength to do so. I didn't understand what got in the way, maybe pride, maybe embarrassment... maybe I was still angry - not because of what he told me that night, but because he didn't share those concerns with me sooner.

The day after the party Hilde was hung over and in tears. In between the sobs she could barely speak, but she managed to finally tell me the truth. WuFei's suspicions had been spot on.

She had never been pregnant.

This truth should have liberated me. I didn't have to quit school. I didn't have to leave Heero. I didn't have to take on a dead-end job. And I didn't have to marry the girl I once liked but never loved and never would.

Strangely though, in that moment, as she wept and I fell silent, color drained from my face, I just felt sad and empty once more. Not a single particle of me felt relieved. A perfect mirror image of when we had been sitting on that park bench.

I didn't really know how to mourn the loss of something that I had apparently never had, so I reverted to anger and indifference. Anger towards Hilde. Indifference towards the memories. I knew that it wasn't healthy, but I didn't know how else to deal with it.

By the end of the summer, I was finally relieved. I would always be the disappointing son, to my dad, but at least all that talk about disownment was over. I would be able to finish my studies. I would happily remain Heero's roommate and close friend for another year. And I was free to live my own life - not being married to a person who could tell such a horrible lie. But it was a long road getting there.

It caused me physical hurt to think that Heero might be on the precipice of similar drama.

After a painful walk down memory lane - like barefoot through a pile of glass - I effortfully tucked everything aside and went to work. Dull co-worker Martin didn't offer me much distraction, but at least a group of cute girls and generous tippers walked in to make the night more bearable.

I tried to stay awake and wait for Heero, but I was mentally exhausted. I intended to take a seat on Heero's lower bunk for a quick rest, but that evolved to laying down and resting my eyes and that evolved to falling asleep with my work clothes and shoes still on, probably drooling on the pillowcase because even unconscious I made an effort to make an awkward situation even worse.

The awkward situation being being awoken with a start by Heero accidentally letting the closet door fall shut as he changed clothes for his morning run.

"Oops." He tilted his head as he gazed down at me and started chuckling. "Good morning sleeping beauty."

I glared at him. I knew my hair was a fucking mess in the morning and the dark circles under my eyes as the result of catching only a few hours of sleep probably weren't flattering either.

Of course Heero looked perky as ever, even after a short night.

Damn those morning people.

I sat up and heavily rubbed my eyes. "Did you win?"

"With a 2.7 second average," Heero boasted, pulling his hoodie over his head.

"Cool. One thing though," I said with groggy voice, "you can't go running, someone might be stopping by for you today."

He looked down at his watch, then back at me with a raised eyebrow. "At seven AM, on a Saturday?"

"It may be kind of an urgent issue..."

"What do you mean?" He innocently inquired.

"Carly stopped by last night, looking for you."

Heero sat down in his desk chair and started putting on his shoes. "Carly? What could she possibly want?"

"She's one of the girls you slept with, right?" I verified.

"Yeah."

"And that is all you guys ever did together?"

He scoffed. "What else would we be doing together? She's a religious studies major, not exactly a lot of overlap with my classes."

There was really no pain-free way of easing him into this, so I blurted: "Well, the last time a girl had to "tell me something", she told me she was pregnant."

He snapped his head up. His eyes were a little wider than usual as he stared at me. "What are you getting at?"

"Or maybe she just has an STD..." I tried to appease, regretting blurting out my own tainted concerns as I saw the stricken expression on his face.

"Just an STD?!" He rose out of the chair, his shoelaces not even tied yet. "So what? I'm either going to be a father for the rest of my life or have a burning sensation when I pee for a couple of days? What exactly did she tell you?" He demanded to know.

"Nothing, really. But come on, you have sex with this girl once - no other relation or connection - and a couple weeks later she's at your door all squirmy and uncomfortable announcing that she has to "tell you something"? She has either taken a pregnancy test or an STD test with a positive result."

He blinked at me in shock. "So she told you nothing of any meaning?"

"No..."

"So basically you just freaked me out when it could be nothing?"

Now it was my turn to squirm. "I may have overreacted... I didn't catch a lot of sleep..."

He threw his hands into the air. "Unbelievable. And you opened with pregnant?"

"My mind just immediately went there, you understand," I muttered apologetically. I still feared I would turn out to be right and it was one of those two unpleasant options, but I recognized I shouldn't have scared him with my own biased suspicions.

Exasperated he slumped down next to me on the edge of his bed. "Did she say when she would be stopping by?"

"Not really..."

He let out a deep sigh. "I guess I can't go running now anyway. The added vascular strain might give me a heart attack."

I noticed his fingers were nervously fumbling with the elastic cords of his hoodie.

"Do you really think she could be pregnant?" He asked after a long silence.

I wished I could tell him no, but I couldn't. I knew the temptation of foregoing protection when you are right in the middle of the things when the realization hits you that you used that back-up condom in your wallet the previous week and never took care to replace it. I noted: "The question is: do you? Did you always use protection?"

He scrunched up his face. "Not every time..."

"Heero!"

"I didn't always have them with me," he defended, "and some of those girls were really... insistent. But they were on the pill, so..."

"Goddammit, of the two of us you are supposed to be the smart guy!" I reminded him.

He snorted. "Like you are the poster boy for safe sex! You got lucky nothing ever really happened, but if that had been due to your own vigilance and care, you would have never been fooled by Hilde's lie."

"Yes and might I remind you of all those instances since when I have had to suffer all of your condom-jokes, very few of those being funny, if I may boldly state so. So get off your high horse, your highness."

"Fuck!" He exclaimed in frustration.

I sighed, remembering that my role as friend was not to antagonize him in moments like that, but rather to consolidate him. "It's probably an STD," I told him. "Did you use a condom with Carly, or was she one of the birth-control-pill-girls?"

He bit his lip. "I don't remember..."

"Wow... you really are a slut..." I remarked.

"Thank you for the social commentary, fellow man-whore," he shot back.

I laughed.

"It's not funny," he gave me a halfhearted push against my shoulder.

"Look, if she was either on the pill or you used a condom, the chances that she is pregnant are very remote. It's probably just an STD. Or maybe nothing."

"Just an STD?"

"Or maybe it's nothing!" I repeated, back-paddling at the sight of his angry glare. "Maybe she just wants your help... with her religious studies..." I scrunched up my face. "Or! Or maybe she stopped by for a bootycall."

He looked so incredulous he nearly went cross-eyed. "If you think it could be nothing, why did you scare me with this stuff?"

"You can't blame me! I'm traumatized!" I tried to defend childishly. "She came by yesterday and I spent all day caught up in my own head remembering what had happened between me and Hilde. I just got freaked out!"

We both flinched at the sudden knock on the door.

Heero whipped his head around to look at the locked door, then back at me with frightened eyes.

"It'll be fine," I assured him, still not entirely convinced myself. But my judgment, I knew, was clouded by all the feelings that had flooded me since my memory got jostled yesterday. If only I had realized that sooner, before scaring my best friend half to death. However, the fact that the issue was apparently important enough to stop by this early in the morning, did add to my concern.

There was another, louder knock, then a muffled voice coming from one of the other rooms, yelling: "For fuck's sake if you're going to have visitors at this hour at least open the goddamn door at the first fucking knock!"

Nash wasn't really a morning person.

Heero got up and opened the door with stiff movements and an impassive expression. As expected he was met by Carly, looking as upset and fidgety as she had the previous day.

"Hey Heero," she breathed, clutching her fingers around the straps of her shoulder bag. "Can we talk, in private?"

Heero shot me a look, then replied with odd, strained voice: "Sure. Let's go outside." They headed out together.

With wildly beating heart I waited for them to return. I couldn't help but lose myself in disconcerting imaginations of what kind of conversation they could be having in that very moment. I was somewhat relieved when Heero returned quickly, he hadn't been away from more than five minutes.

I shot up and, as luck would have it, hit my head on the supporting beam of the top bunk, causing me to curse loudly. I rubbed my abused, throbbing head and grumbled inwardly: all those years of sleeping in that bottom bunk and still...! I composed myself and asked as calmly as possible: "So, what did she say?"

"It's the clap!" Heero made a big, frustrated gesture with his arms, then dropped them back to his sides. "She has the clap. She doesn't know when she got it, so she doesn't know if she passed it on to me, but I have to get tested to be sure..."

He was clearly upset, so I recognized it was inappropriate for me to express how relieved I was that it didn't turn out to be a mirror image of my own nightmare of last year. I tried to calm him: "Well, that's not too bad..."

"I might have gonorrhea! How, in any way, is that "not too bad"?" He demanded angrily.

A little threatened I took a step back and raised my hands in surrender. "Easy there, I didn't give it to you."

At my comment I could see his thoughts following mine down a dangerous path that was laid by the suggestion I had brazenly made last weekend, so I distracted us both by continuing: "It could have been worse."

My tentative comment seemed to deflate him. He released a deep breath and then slumped down into his desk chair.

Not the result I was going for, I thought to myself. I didn't want him to be angry, but apparent utter despair was no viable alternative. "Heero?"

"It could have been worse," he vehemently agreed with me. "What if she, or any of the other girls, had gotten pregnant? Or what if it hadn't been gonorrhea but HIV?"

With a sigh I sat down next to him and after brief hesitation decided to place my hand on his knee in an attempt to comfort him. "There's no need for you to go there. Don't make the same mistake I did and freak out over nothing. It's just gono. You might not even have it."

He buried his head in his hands. "I can't believe how stupid I have been. I have no money for stuff like this. I have no money for illegitimate babies, STD tests or medicine. I have to finish school and take care of my grandmother, how can I do that if I would get someone pregnant or get sick?" Heero looked up at me with desperate eyes.

I bit my lip. Cautiously, I wondered: "I don't mean to sound blunt, but why didn't you consider this before? Why didn't you just say no when you didn't have a condom?"

His face became red with embarrassment. "I... I guess..." He groaned and finally admitted: "I guess I just liked being wanted... or something..."

"I get that... but, come on. Who wouldn't want you?" Dangerous path! Dangerous path! Abort! Abort! Abort!

He made a face but thanked me for the sentiment anyway. "Oh God," he started, "now I have to call my dad and tell him everything and ask for his money to get tested."

Knowing how much he hated his dad - especially owing him - and still feeling guilty as my initial overreaction was part of why he was so incredibly upset, I offered: "I could pay for tests and treatment if you need it."

He shook his head, "No, I couldn't-"

"Of course you can! Hey, you know what? We'll make of a day of it," I suggested with a lighthearted smile. "Yeah, we'll go down to the clinic on Monday and we'll both get tested, for everything! It probably isn't a bad idea to get myself tested as well and then it won't be as embarrassing as going alone. We can be man-whores together, split the judgment fifty-fifty."

He chuckled softly. "Really?"

"Sure, I make decent money at the on campus bar. And, I mean, how can I not get ridiculously large tips with hair like this," I joked and I pulled my braid over my shoulder.

"Thanks. I promise I'll pay you back."

"No need," I assured him.

"I insist."

"Okay, okay, whatever helps you sleep at night."

We shared a laugh and then Heero decided to go on his run after all, to clear his head. Since I was already up I took a shower and then spent the morning and early afternoon doing the homework I had been too distracted to do yesterday. Then later that day I got out of Heero's way - he needed the entire surface of the desk for his blueprints and textbooks - so I organized an impromptu basketball game with some guys from my team and friends from school. It ended with my teammates being angry with me because I was too absentminded to play decently and missed several easy lay-ups. I couldn't tell them what had me so preoccupied, even though they kept asking in frustration. I couldn't tell them that I had been reconsidering my "crazy" plan from last week, now that Heero seemed understandably reluctant to continue his random sexual activity with girls he barely knew, or not at all.

Man, am I fucked up or not? I asked myself with disdain. My friend is struggling with feelings and past mistakes and all I could think about was how I could put a spin on that so he'll be willing to give a friends with benefits deal a try.

Still, as repulsed as I was by my own selfishness and disregard for his strong rejection of the suggestion, I couldn't deny the simple, albeit admittedly twisted logic behind the thoughts running through my mind. Suddenly, stepping aboard this train was less and less questionable. We wouldn't have to worry about unplanned and unwanted pregnancies and if we both get tested and turn out to be clean, STD's wouldn't be a concern either. The 'Yeah, but...' feeling decided that those were two very powerful arguments.

For the duration of the weekend Heero was as caught up in his own thoughts as I was. I wondered what he was thinking about and in quiet moments I dared to think he may have been starting to acknowledge the fact that my idea wasn't as crazy as it had initially sounded.

Whatever he was thinking, things reverted back into the weird between us. But he came home Sunday night after his much hated dinner with his father, unlike last week, so I assumed we were still in the clear.

When Monday arrived Heero had grown to be so nervous he didn't even scoff at me when I suggested cutting classes so we could head for the clinic immediately to get tested. Much to my amazement he instantly agreed. I marveled at the realization that it would be the first time for him to miss classes in over three years, it reminded me of how this issue must be weighing down on him, whereas I had been making light of it and focusing on my own perverted brain farts.

Sitting next to him in the train - Heero insisted on going to a clinic out of town, too afraid to be recognized - noticing how tense he was, made me feel really sorry for him. When Hilde told me she was pregnant, my whole world crumbled down into an unrecognizable pile of chaos. It was very hurtful to be confronted with the changes I would have to make in my life to take responsibility, but at least I didn't have other responsibilities that required my devoted effort. It was different for Heero, his grandmother had been sick for a long time. It was up to him to work his ass off every summer and finish school to get a well-paid job so he could foot the bill for her care. He had told me she meant the world to him, that she was the only one who ever accepted, supported and loved him. Not even his mother, nor his father, could give him that. He had promised not to let her down, he had promised to give back what she had given him.

Looking at him I fully realized how devastated he must have been to have come so close to jeopardizing his promise.

I placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to show my support and understanding in a single gesture, because I felt that I would just end up making a fool of myself if I would try to explain with words. "Are you okay?" I asked with a soft tone.

"Fine," he shrugged, causing my hand to slip from his shoulder, I was inclined to think that was intentional, "just thinking about stuff."

"Okay."

The loaded silence between us lasted the rest of the way to the clinic and the forty-five minutes we spent in the waiting room, avoiding eye-contact with everyone, including each other.

A door opened and a doctor appeared, reading from a piece of paper our names droned through the waiting room.

"That's us," I concluded dumbly and together with Heero I followed the doctor into the examination room.

He shook both our hands with a polite introduction and a kind smile. "So, on the form you indicated that you would both like to get tested for a variety of STD's..." he looked down at what I assumed to be the form I had filled in earlier, when we first arrived.

Seeing as Heero had been reduced to a mute by nerves and concern, I answered: "We sure do."

"Is there any reason to suspect that either of you may have caught an STD?" He continued.

"Uhh... yeah," I looked at Heero for any kind of input, but got nothing, he just stared at the ground. "Maybe gonorrhea, but we don't know for sure. We would just like to be tested for the major and common STD's, just to be sure."

He smiled at me. "Well, I think that is a very wise decision and I command you for coming here and taking this responsibility, the spreading of STD's is a real problem amongst gay youths because they often skip the use of condoms as there is no risk of pregnancy."

Good thing I was in a doctor's office because there was a real chance my eyes would have popped out of the sockets and I would need professional medical assistance to put them back in. A quick glance confirmed Heero was in the same state of shock. "Uh- Uhh... You misunderstand... We're not together or anything. We're not gay." I let out a sheepish chuckle.

"Oh, I apologize, I just assumed because you came in together."

"Nonononono..." I fervently shook my head.

"Then lets move past my embarrassing mistake and just get started," the doctor suggested, putting away our forms. "Now, because you want to get tested for multiple STD's I'm going to draw two vials of blood from each, just to be sure that we have enough to run all the tests. You are college men, you know how lab techs can be," he joked, making me very uncomfortable.

We were both directed to take a seat on the edge of the examination table and to roll up our sleeves as the doctor prepared the vials and syringes.

The process was fairly painless but I did find it to be somewhat weird to see my own, dark blood run into those vials. I never thought I would be squeamish about blood, but it turned out I wasn't completely cool with it and as the filling of the first vial had satisfied my curiosity, I opted not to look at all as he filled a second and also purposefully looked the other way as he did Heero.

Once he was finished he explained: "This is a relatively small amount of blood, so I don't suspect you'll experience any faintness or dizziness, but just to be sure I do recommend you don't strain yourself too much for the rest of the day."

"Can I get that on a note, because I have basketball practice at the end of the day and I would love to get out of that."

The doctor chuckled. "Sure, I'll write a note."

As the doctor sat behind his desk to write that note as promised, Heero whispered to me: "You're really going to show coach Hartford that note? You know he's going to tell everybody. Won't you be embarrassed?"

I shrugged. "Not at all. I've been tested before and so have the other guys. It really isn't a big deal. I'm sure I'll be the butt of a couple of jokes, but nothing out of the ordinary. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone you got tested as well."

"Thanks."

The doctor sent us home to experience the weirdest week of our lives. It was like we were both caught in the twilight zone. I didn't really understand what was going on between us, but I blamed it partly on Heero being stressed out about the potential results of the tests and partly because the doctor thought we were gay and thus resurfaced a very strained topic for us. At first I suspected the mistake had been so insulting to him that he didn't know how to behave around me anymore, but then, during lunch, I caught him staring at me and that made my mind wander into a different direction.

I wondered if maybe he had hopped on board of the crazy train, speeding towards meaningless-gay-sex-between-straight-friends-metropolis.

The next Monday, I would finally get my answer.

At the end of the day there was basketball practice. I wished I could recycle my doctor's note, but if I wanted to stay on the team, I had no choice but to be present and to cooperate and feign a personal investment in our losing team.

We spent the first hour in the indoor basketball court, perfecting our shots and passes and then coach Hartford chased us outside with his shrill whistle for another hour of circling the track.

"I hate him. I hate him," Obie seethed at my side as we gathered at the start line.

"Trust me, if I had any confidence that I would be able to leave no forensic trace, I would have long murdered him..." I glared at Hartford as he called over one of the other guys to him to yell at him for no apparent reason. "It's just that the way I envision killing him is kind of messy and hands-on..."

Obie snorted. "Amen to that."

Hartford turned to us, "If my disappointing lead scorer and equally unimpressive captain are finished chatting, we can start." He called over his assistant who approached us with a cart filled with basketballs. Hartford took one out and spun it on his index finger. "You won't just be running today, you'll be dribbling. And there is no particular amount of laps after which you can leave, you will be running and dribbling a full hour and no slacking off either."

We groaned collectively and then stepped forward to get a ball from the cart.

"His methods are kind of extreme..." I noted in dismay.

Unfortunately Hartford heard me and yelled at me: "I wouldn't have to be extreme if this team would just start winning games. But there are no such miracles in sports, captain. My methods will be extreme until the performance of this team will not cause me to cry myself to sleep at night."

I raised my eyebrows at Obie, turning my back to the coach and mouthed: Pathetic.

He chuckled.

Coach Hartford blew his whistle and so the hour long nightmare began.

The sound of fifteen basketballs of the main players and back-up players, bouncing along the tracks, I quickly found to be unbelievably irritating so I muttered curses and quiet rants under my breath. On my fourth lap I coincidentally looked up and spotted Heero standing on the bleachers, leaning against the front railing. When he spotted me he waved me over. He looked rattled.

I heard a whistle and the coach screaming form the other end of the field: "You can talk to your boyfriend later, captain!"

I ignored him. He was on the other side and I knew him to be too lazy to come running over, so I had some time before he would get so angry that he would punish me after the fact. "Hey," I breathed. I grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it up to wipe the sweat off my brow. Because the sound of all those balls had been annoying me so much, I had been going really fast to stay ahead of the main group. The speed had clearly taken it's toll as my breath came in sharp pants. "What's up?"

"I got a call from the clinic," he announced.

"Well?"

"We're both clean. The nurse was still under the impression that we were a couple and considering the results she had no qualms divulging the results of your tests as well..."

"Great! So what's with the face?" I inquired innocently.

"When will you be done here?"

I looked down at my watch, disappointed at how little time it had been. It felt like I had been dribbling that damn ball around that track for ages. "A while, he's making us stay till six and I told the guys we would go out for pizza afterwards. Why?"

With a serious expression he informed me: "I need to talk to you."

"You're not pregnant, are you?" I joked, then mock-gasped. "Are you breaking up with me?"

He didn't respond to my jokes. "I just need to talk to you."

"Okay..." I drawled. "I can skip dinner with the guys if you want."

"No, that's fine. Go out for pizza's, I'll see you when you get back." Without further ado he turned around and walked away with quickened gait.

My heart was racing and not just because I had been physically exerting myself. I wondered what it was he wanted to talk about. I had a suspicion, but I didn't dare to think along those lines. I might get myself excited over nothing.

"Captain!"

"Yeah... yeah... yeah..." I continued jogging, dribbling my ball along. In the remaining hour I did fumble with my ball a lot and let it get away from me. After Heero's brief visit I was just in completely different headspace. Heero could just as easily have had something to tell me that I wouldn't like and that possibility had me worried.

Understandably I rushed through dinner, wolfing down two slices of pizza - and two quickly downed bottles of beer for courage - and then promptly leaving with the excuse that I wasn't feeling well. Not a total lie, the nerves and uncertainty had me feeling a little queasy, the bit of tentative excitement that was thrown in the mix didn't help my stomach settle down.

"Heero?" I blurted when I opened the door to our dorm room. I dropped my gym bag to the floor and carefully assessed the situation.

Heero was sitting at the desk, as was usual, innocently involved in his studies. He finished writing something down in the corner of one of the blueprints spread out in front of him before he spun the desk chair around to face me with an uncanny blank expression. "Duo," he greeted in his monotone, immediately alerting me to the fact that something had him worked up.

"What's up, buddy? You wanted to talk about something?" I leaned against the frame of the bed, casual as you please.

Not even attempting to ease either of us into the repeat of last week's tumultuous discussion, he asked bluntly: "Do you still think about having sex with me?"

His face was unreadable, his tone didn't give me anything to work with either. He had pushed me out onto thin ice. The truth was that I had still been thinking about it, but what if that was not what he wanted to hear? I had promised him I would drop it, that I would forget about it and never mention it again. To uphold that promise and possibly stifling new anger, I contemplated lying. But I bit my lip before I rushed to say "No". What if he was looking for the truth? What if he expected a "Yes" and wanted a "Yes"? What if he had swayed in favor of giving this friends with benefits thing a try? If I said "Yes" it might get interesting. If I said "No", I could count on him immediately being unwilling.

Rock. Duo. Hard place.

Inadvertently I had let his question hang in the thick air for a suspicious amount of time. His eyes narrowed as he settled a glare on me that aimed to pry the answer out of me with the sheer, unspoken promise of pain if I tried to babble my way out of this.

How was I supposed to answer him? Moreover, what if I said "Yes" and that was what he wanted to hear? What the fuck would happen then? The reality of that slight but not non-existent possibility daunted me.

"I guess I would have to say..." I let my sentence trail off, stalling, desperately searching for more time to think.

One of his eyebrows raised expectantly.

Cowardly as I was, I eventually just settled for asking: "Why?"

"I need to know," was his instant, matter-of-fact reply.

"Okay..." Still stalling. I looked at him, really looked at him, rather than nervously staring back, half hidden behind my sloppy bangs. His expression revealed nothing to me that would clearly indicate either answer. Yet I knew what I had to say. I had to take a risk because I realized with an appropriate degree of embarrassment and confusion: I wanted to... do stuff with him. I wasn't yet sure if sex was one of those things, but I did know "stuff" came closer to sex than to miniature golf, on the spectrum of social activity.

I may have been alone in the thought that a guy doesn't have to be gay to enjoy doing "stuff" with another guy on a purely physical level, but I had to give it a try. If it turned out bad, at least I would find some solace in the fact that I didn't lie.

"Yes."

For a moment he just stared at me, then he started nodding, slowly and continuously as he tilted his head to look the other way thoughtfully.

"Is that bad?" I dreaded to ask.

He didn't respond, instead, he wondered, without making eye-contact: "What exactly do you think about?"

Still on thin ice cracking and crunching beneath my feet, I bit the inside of my cheek before cautiously answering: "I don't really know. It's not like I have scenarios playing in my head. It's just... I guess I just still think we could make it work and that it might be... kind of fun."

"But what would be do?-"

"Heero, why are you asking me this?" I interrupted impatiently, eager for resolution and solid footing.

He aimed his intense gaze back up at me, causing a shiver to run up my spine - which I would furiously deny if asked. Hesitantly, he started to explain. "I don't want to sleep with girls anymore-" he shook his head. "I mean- You know what I mean. I don't want to sleep with girls anymore if I'm not in a relationship with them. I thought it would be fine, but now this has happened. And it's not just about what could happen to me. What if Carly had given me gono? And I had given it to other girls? I would feel horrible... I do feel horrible. I know nothing bad necessarily has to happen, but it could and it made me think about whether or not it is all worth the risk."

I held my breath as I waited for the conclusion.

"Carly was so humiliated to have to tell me. So even though I didn't get her sick, or lead or her on, I still ended up hurting her. That's not what I want. Not for myself and not for them. So I'm not going to do that stuff in the library anymore."

It seemed like he was done and that slightly disappointed me. I had expected there to be more. So I pressed innocently: "That's cool. I think it's a mature decision. So are you going to start dating now?"

"No," he answered in a heartbeat, looking up at me meaningfully. "I don't want to date. I don't have time and honestly... I'm just not interested in that right now."

"Cool," I repeated neutrally. "I guess you could rock the total abstinence thing. I think there is even a club for that at the university."

"I don't want to join that club."

"Oh... You're right, you shouldn't. They always seemed like a bunch of weirdo's to me, not because of the abstinence thing but because they made a club for it-"

"Jesus, Duo! Do I have to spell it out for you?!" He looked dutifully uncomfortable and frustrated.

My heart skipped a beat at his outburst. "I guess not..." I responded as I started to dare to believe that this was heading in an interesting direction.

He rose out of his seat and with big gestures and while pacing the room, he argued: "It's not because I'm sex-crazed or a pervert or anything! But I'm a guy! I- I guess... I have needs. I just think it's going to be a long time before I have the time and interest for a real relationship. I have to finish school at the top of my class and get a good job and I have to work my ass off so I can put my grandmother in a decent home and pay back my dad because I sure as hell am not going to owe him a single dime when all is said and done-"

"Heero!" I stepped in front of him and grabbed his shoulders, making him look me in the eye. "It's okay, I'm not judging you. I'm the one who first suggested this shit, remember?"

"Right," he agreed breathlessly.

With a quieter voice I queried: "I though the mere thought freaked you out. What changed your mind?"

"I don't know yet if I have changed my mind. I thought maybe... we could try some stuff before we decide," he replied meekly, his cheeks red.

I chuckled. "Okay."

His eyes were big with shock and fear. "Okay," he concurred, looking a little disturbed.

"Okay," I repeated, letting my hands drop from his shoulders - I hadn't even realized I had still been holding him. "So... You want to try some stuff right now?" I wouldn't have suggested rushing it like this if it wasn't for the fact that I was acutely aware that I was turned on and kind of eager to explore the potential of this new arrangement.

"Right now?!"

"No time like the present," I pointed out with a little smirk.

"Here?"

I cocked my head and raised my eyebrow. "Would you prefer the library restrooms?"

He glared at me.

"Then I think right here will be just fine." I inconspicuously wiped my sweaty palms on my shirt and then moved towards the door and locked it. The click of the lock had never been so loud. I slowly approached him. It had been my idea, but I hadn't really thought it through. I had no idea what was supposed to happen, or how to go about making anything happen at all.

He abruptly took a step back. "We're not going to have sex right away, right?"

"No, of course not!" I assured him.

He visibly relaxed. "So then... what are we going to do?"

I didn't really know, I had given it surprisingly little practical thought, considering how much the idea had been occupying me for over three weeks now. With girls the first step to being intimate - sexually - was kissing and since no better option came to me, I figured that was where we could start. I came to stand closer to him. Heero quirked an eyebrow at me, not knowing what was going to happen. Did I?

For some reason the prospect of kissing my friend made me feel a little bit uncomfortable, even though the idea of doing more than that hadn't appeared so odd to me. Maybe kissing was too romantic, yet it felt weird to me to skip that step and jump right into more serious stuff.

I decided I should just get it over with. Make the first move, follow through and hope the awkwardness would gradually fade away. So with the most unromantic, unsensual determination I pushed my face forward, towards Heero. But as quick as I had been to lean in, he was even quicker in his retreat, straining his neck as he kept himself out of reach. He masked his shocked expression with one of annoyance.

"What are you doing?" He demanded to know, his voice a little more shrill than usual.

For a moment I could only return a quizzical look, no words. It seemed like I would be stating the obvious. So rather than spelling it out for him, I retorted sarcastically: "What do you think I'm doing, you genius you?" I suspected the source of my frustration - and accompanying sarcasm - was the fact that I was more than a little peeved at being so unambiguously denied. That didn't happen often. Or at all. I didn't know why it offended me. Maybe I had just expected my bravery to be rewarded. He sure as hell wasn't making any notable effort.

"I don't want to do that," he stated, his eyes cold and focused, but his tone nervous. "I don't see why we would do that. It's too weird and too intimate."

He had probably raised a valid point, so why did I still feel something that too closely resembled disappointment? I couldn't deny his logic. Why would we kiss if this is purely for the benefit of physical gratification? Kissing is good but it doesn't get me off. We were two straight guys, it wasn't supposed to be romantic, or natural or lengthy for that matter, so there was really no point in foreplay. However, though I agreed it was intimate, I wasn't quite sure if 'too intimate' was correct, considering all the other things I had been thinking of these past weeks as part of a friends with benefits arrangement far exceeded the level of intimacy of a straightforward kiss.

I didn't want to give it too much thought, so I agreed with him and tried to alleviate the unbearable tension between us by adding a joke. "Okay, okay, Pretty Woman, no kissing."

From the look in his eyes I could instantly tell the joke was not appreciated and thus did not serve it's purpose.

"Fuck you!" He gave me a push against my chest.

Realizing there had been a break-down in communication I explained to him sheepishly: "It's a movie reference! Pretty Woman is a movie about a hooker who doesn't want to kiss her clients because she thinks it is too intimate." I had expected to see a sliver of recognition in his eyes. I had personally seen this classic chick flick several times, nearly all my previous girlfriends loved it and wanted to watch it with me. Considering my patience would afterwards be rewarded with sex, I made few objections.

But then I remembered Heero had never actually dated, he had never had a girlfriend, so of course he didn't understand the reference and thought I had called him a girl.

Heero seemed to relax a little bit, but with a frown he wondered aloud: "So you didn't call me a pretty woman, you just compared me to a hooker?"

I chuckled. "Well, when you put it like that..." I offered him a smile. "You are stalling," I mildly accused him.

He sighed. Caught, he must have thought.

"We could still back out, you know? We don't have to..." However, I really hoped he didn't want to back out. I couldn't tell him that part of me - the majority of me - had been anticipating this eagerly, all awkwardness aside. I couldn't tell him that because I didn't even feel completely comfortable admitting that to myself.

"No, I..." he tentatively started, but he never finished his sentence and I was left wondering if he had stopped just short of saying: I want this.

Before he could change his mind, I suggested: "Maybe we could try something different, to ease into it and see if us being together sexually is something we can be okay with."

He nodded. "Okay. Like what?"

I briefly contemplated our options and quickly realized that the least invasive and confrontational thing to do was: "Mutual masturbation?" I shivered again, at that word.

He gave it some thought. "I guess that's a good place to start..." He bit his lip.

Recognizing that I was burdened with the responsibility of taking the lead in this novel situation I suggested we sat down, and promptly did so, on the floor, my back leaning against the side of the bed.

Heero followed my lead, sitting down next to me but leaving a space of over two feet between us.

"We're going to have to be a little closer if we seriously want to figure out if we want to do stuff together eventually," I emphasized 'together'.

"How much closer?"

I shrugged and then scooted over, closing the distance between us. When I settled back against the bed we were sitting shoulder to shoulder. "Like this."

He swallowed. "Okay."

"Wait, I have something that might make this a little easier." I shot up to my feet and opened the closet door. I slipped my hand underneath a stack of my neatly folded T-shirts and produced a magazine. I sat back down next to him, leaving a little bit more space between us for the magazine to be placed on the carpet.

"A porn magazine?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, Heero, this is National Geographic's edition on the reproductive rituals of the homo sapien- of course it's a porn magazine!" I flipped it open to one of my favorite pages - I wasn't afraid to admit that magazine had come in handy on several lonesome occasions - it was a two page image of a hot brunette woman bent over a desk with an expression of pure ecstasy, a man behind her, taking her powerfully, wearing nothing more than a disheveled tie and his black slacks around his ankles. "Nice, huh?"

"I suppose..." He leaned forward and started leafing through the pages, he appeared more fascinated than horny. If I knew Heero as well as I liked to think I did, he had never dared to buy a pornographic magazine for himself. Though I must give credit where credit is due - truly I must applaud him - for as reserved as he is when the conversation involved matters of sexual nature, he did just agree to mutual masturbation with his best friend, whom he should know to be talkative regardless.

"Let's just leave it open on a page and get started," I suggested. "You don't have to be embarrassed, lots of guys jerk off together to a magazine. Just focus on the pictures."

Heero nodded and left it open on a page with five or so naked women sitting next to each other at the edge of the pool, some kissing each other, some touching each other intimately. Whatever the case they all looked to be having a marvelous time, even though with a closer look it also appeared to be quite nippy, out by the pool.

I briefly wondered: was it weird that my favorite scene involved a guy? I shook the question from my head and made myself comfortable, leaning my back against the bed and spreading my legs a little. It was clear Heero would not be the one to take the initiative, so I did. I placed my hand over the bulge between my legs and squeezed and rubbed myself a few times through the stiff, thick fabric of my jeans. It didn't take much more for me to get myself hard, I found the situation quite intoxicating and exciting. Pushing aside any residual shame I unbuttoned my jeans and raised my hips off the floor to push my pants down my thighs along with my underwear.

I glanced sideways at Heero and saw his gaze was intently focused on the magazine in between us and not yet touching himself. I decided not to push him, yet and instead just pushed back my own boundaries and any inhibition that may have remained and I took my erection firmly in my hand. I closed my eyes and starting stroking up and down the shaft, I didn't even need to see the pornographic picture, I was plenty turned on as it was.

Finally, Heero began to move. I could hear the rustle of his clothes and his breath quicken as he touched himself through his jeans. Eventually I heard him lower his zipper and push his pants down and I couldn't resist sneaking a peak.

I moaned as I secretly watched him jerk himself off while he was still stubbornly staring at the magazine. It made me a little jealous, I had to admit. Boldly I let go of my own arousal and reached out. Heero was so distracted that he didn't even notice my hand until it was covering his that stroked up and down his dick.

He snapped his head up to look at me. "What are you doing?"

"Stuff," I replied with a cocky grin, brought on my the fact that he hadn't pushed me away or hit me. "Let go. Let me."

He looked at me like I was crazy and like he was about to refuse me, but then all of a sudden he pulled away his hand, giving me free reign.

I pumped my tight fist up and down, looking at his face as he started to lose the shocked expression in favor of a pleasurable one. It was really weird at first. It was so clinical and I didn't know how this was ever going to work. Yet, wasn't that exactly what I had wanted? I asked myself. Purely business, no strings attached?

I was turned on, but to actually touch him like that had me reeling right back into the reality of the situation: this is my best friend's dick. My best friend's hard dick. With a shake of my head I put a stop to those thoughts and closed my eyes, imagining I was just touching myself, which wasn't much of a stretch since we had matching parts. This helped me get over the initial tension and eventually I opened my eyes and my gaze darted between my hand and his face. Before long every trace of discomfort was gone and it was just... hot. My erection pulsed with need so I stroked it with my less dexterous left hand to take the edge off.

Finally he let out a moan and closed his eyes, losing himself in the sensations.

Assured that he wasn't going to strangle me after all for being so forward, I kicked the magazine away and sat closer to him again, so I could reach into his lap more easily and comfortably use the same techniques on him that I enjoyed the most myself.

He started moaning freely. The sounds he made were an incredibly turn on for me.

"Oh, shit... I'm going to come..." He warned, too soon to my liking.

With a final swipe of my thumb over the head of his erection I stopped my ministrations altogether. I wasn't going to let it be over that quickly. I needed to make sure that afterwards he would feel more confidant to explore more 'stuff' together and I figured that required a gentle push.

He whimpered and then exclaimed: "Asshole!" But his lustful eyes didn't manage to communicate his anger.

"Your turn." I smugly folded my hands behind my head.

He must have considered just finishing off himself, but the fact that he didn't pleased me and gave me hope that this wouldn't be the first and only time. He reached out his right hand and wrapped it around my manhood. He made a face.

"That's not very hot."

"It's weird."

"It really isn't that bad, you'll see." I brought one of my hands down and took hold of his wrist, pumping his fist up and down a few times before letting go again. When I did, he didn't stop stroking me.

He was shy about touching me and clearly just going through the motions without any sort of imagination but I still thought it was very hot, although I wasn't sure if I would be able to come like that. Feeling devilish and encouraged by his cooperation and willingness so far, I said: "My turn again."

Heero seemed to be a little disappointed and embarrassed that he did not succeed in getting me as close to orgasm as he had been. He moaned in appreciation as I continued where I had left off and closed his eyes and rested his head back against the mattress.

I didn't really feel like myself anymore in that moment, in the sense that I didn't feel like 'Duo, Heero's friend'. And even though I was never unaware of the fact that we were both guys - straight guys - it never hit me like a ton of bricks and scare me, like I had feared it eventually would. It was just sexual stuff between two people. Not necessarily two guys. Not necessarily two friends. It was oddly liberating.

And in that freed state of mind just the right amount of stupid accumulated, overriding all my hesitations and good reasons not to be taking things a step further. I decided to give in to my curiosity. I paused the motions of my hand and bent forward, blood rushed to my ears and face but it wouldn't stop me, experimentally I gave the head of his erection a single lick.

Heero's whole body flinched violently. "What the fuck are you doing?!" He demanded to know.

"Come on, if we are really going to do this, we are not just going to jerk each other off, what would be the point of that?" I was uncannily okay with this but as long as I didn't dwell on it too intently, it didn't bother me.

"I thought we were going to ease in to this!"

"How did you think this would go?"

Heero snorted and with high pitched voice he retorted: "I don't know but I certainly didn't expect you to go down on me!"

"I figured that as friend with benefits we should do something... beneficial." I frowned at my own argument. "It's not like it turned you off, you're still hard..."

His face went crimson red. "Well... it's not like it felt bad or something."

"You were the one who wanted to try things so you could make an informed decision about whether or not you want to do this, for real. I'm only trying to inform you." I couldn't help but smirk at that. "You don't have to return the favor."

"Good," he blurted, "because I sure as hell am not doing... that!" He yelped as I descended my mouth onto him again.

Obviously I didn't have a clue of what to do. Girls had gone down on me, of course, but I didn't really know how to imitate that and I was overwhelmed with new-found respect. It was kind of difficult! Still, I knew a warm mouth and sufficient pressure from the tongue would be fine regardless, so I took him into my mouth as deep as I could and bobbed my head up and down, making sure not to rake him with my teeth.

Heero was certainly beyond arguing. His lips moved only to emit incoherent mumbles and moans.

I got a heady rush from the fact that I knew exactly what he was feeling and knowing that I was making him feel like that. I didn't pause to give that - or anything else - too much thought. I was startled when I felt his warm hand on the back of my neck. I figured it meant he was close, because I did the same thing when I was about to come when a girl was giving me a blowjob. It was an instinctual, wordless plea, because not all girls let you come in their mouth, even though guys really want to.

I might as well make it extra beneficial, I thought to myself, after all, I wanted him to enjoy this so he wouldn't be opposed to more. I gave the process my best effort, ignoring gag reflexes and personal inhibitions and the hint of humiliation.

"Oh shit..." Heero groaned. "Oh, Duo!"

Just like that it was over. His throaty moans died down and he let his hand slip from the back of my neck. With my right fist I gave his slowly softening member a few more pumps while I spit his come out into my other hand and wiped it on the front of my shirt. I wasn't strongly opposed to swallowing it, but since even fewer girls did that, I figured it was more of a second-purely-physical-encounter-between-friends thing.

Heero hurriedly pulled up his pants. "Oh my God." Heero buried his hands in his hair. "Ohhhh my God. This is bad, this is so bad..."

I snorted. "Come on, admit it, you liked that."

He lowered his hands and stared at me with evident concern. "I just came, crying out my best friend's name."

I shrugged casually. "I've told you before: I've got the moves."

His gaze lowered to the front of my shirt. "And my best friend has my come on his shirt."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Heero, your best friend had your come in his mouth," I reminded him.

"Oh God..."

"Can you put freaking out on hold or do it in the hallway or something? Because I really want to do something about this," I pointed down to my lap, where my private parts still stood at full attention.

Heero remained seated, staring into thin air with dazed, absent eyes.

As I had showcased previously, I had never had much qualms about masturbating in Heero's presence, so I just went about business as usual, mentally denying the fact that it actually felt a little hotter to have him sitting right by me, hearing me. When I touched myself I remembered the feeling of touching him, with my hand and with my mouth, it made me feel dirty and naughty and I thoroughly enjoyed that. I wasn't really into wild sex, sex with my girlfriends had always been kind of vanilla and that had been fine, but I experienced the spark of doing something kinky, something that other's would not approve of, let alone understand and it set me alight.

I opened my eyes and looked at Heero and found him to be watching me. His face went red as he was caught staring, but then he steeled his nerves, with his whole body tense and the tendons in his neck standing out he turned his upper body to face me and he placed his hand on my bare thigh in a wordless offer.

"I'll do better this time," he said, then scraped his throat to get rid of the rawness that his voice had held.

I rested my hands at my sides and watched, enthralled, as his long-fingered hand enveloped me.

Heero's gaze was focused on his task. It gave me pleasant goosebumps. He looked at me with the same intent look that he had on while studying, concentrating on being perfect at everything he did and not being satisfied until he was.

Apparently, giving your friend a helping hand - excuse the pun - was no different. He was shy and hesitant at the start as he had been before, but it seemed he was able to let go of his anxiety and it was then that he must have remembered how he brought himself to orgasm, because he became fantastic. If I hadn't known better, I would have accused him of having had more practice than me.

Wanting to encourage him, I complimented breathlessly: "Wow, you are very good at this."

He tilted his head up to frown at me.

I swallowed at how close his face suddenly was. How close his lips were. I could feel his breath on me again, like I did that drunken night when he undressed me. I leaned forward the tiniest bit, then stopped myself. We had agreed we wouldn't do that. There was no need to suffer the awkwardness of kissing a friend's lips, on top of everything else.

"I'm not kidding, you're really good," I croaked, looking down at where his hand was touching me. There was nothing shy or hesitant left about his technique. "Oh God... Seriously," I added, leaning my head back as pleasure flooded me, "you should teach classes or something."

Probably embarrassed by my comment he quickened the pace of his hand, starting on the home stretch.

"Ohhh, yeah!" I called out as my come joined his on the front of my shirt.

He pumped his fist a few more times as I rode the waves of my orgasm. Then he let go and sat back with a sigh.

"Wow," I appreciated.

"Could you please cover up?"

I looked down at my lap. I wasn't bothered by my nudity in his presence. I supposed things get put into perspective after you've gone down on your best friend. "I'd rather not, it's kind of sensitive right now and those jeans are really tight."

"Fine," he grumbled. He folded his arms in front of his chest and purposefully looked the other way.

I took the time to replay the events in my heads, for the first time asking myself what it all meant. I couldn't figure out the answer. I stuck to my previous conclusion that I simply had a pretty free definition of sex and gender sort of loses it's meaning when it's not about feelings but just about exchanging touches and giving and receiving pleasure. I was eager to know where Heero had landed on the issue. I hoped that the fact that he ended up voluntarily giving me a hand job meant he was interested in exploring what else there could be to this arrangement.

"So..." I started neutrally, hoisting up my pants, "have I adequately informed you for you to make a decision?"

"None of this bothered you?" He shot back skeptically.

I shrugged, allowing myself a little time to give his question an honest amount of thought. "No," I concluded matter-of-factly. I let the answer sink in with a slight sense of wonder.

He wiped his palms - probably sweaty from nervousness - on his jeans, rubbing them back and forth over his clad thighs. I didn't suppose it was completely normal that my eyes were now drawn to his hands, then getting distracted by the shape of his thighs and the length of his legs stretched out before him. But still, I wasn't bothered. I didn't feel differently towards him as my friend, there was just a new layer to this relationship. Heero was my friend. Whom I happened to find attractive in a purely physical sense. Big deal, right? I was still straight, I still liked girls - I had years of sexual evidence to back that up - nothing had changed... I had sucked a guy's dick and my world and I were still the same, so why get worked up about that?

I wanted to be understanding of Heero's inner turmoil, but honestly I could not find a mirror image of it within myself. The waters of my conscience were calm and clear. This disconnect between what he was feeling and what I was feeling made it difficult for me to patiently await the answer that I eagerly needed. That was really the only thing that had me feeling anxious.

Reverting back into his rational and calculating state of mind, he announced: "If we are going to be doing this, we need some ground rules. First of all: no kissing. Second of all: we only do 'stuff' with each other. We have now both been tested and we are both clean, so with each other we have nothing to worry about. I don't want you bringing unwanted surprises into the mix. But most importantly: we are not going to tell anybody about this, that includes Owen! I know you trust him but he is soft and weak." He added as an afterthought: "And especially Nash can not know!"

In response I could only smile expectantly and pried: "Does this mean we'll be doing this again?"

He bit his lips.

I held my hand out to him. "Let's shake on it. No kissing. Exclusive. No talking." Like a business deal; terms and agreements and verbal contracts. I liked that, because this wasn't supposed to be romantic, it was a deal between two people. No strings attached, just business.

He looked at my hand, still in self doubt.

I pretended to be waiting patiently, but in my chest my heart was beating a mile a minute.

Heero slowly lifted his hand towards mine. When he paused briefly I held my breath. Then he slipped his hand into mine and we wrapped our fingers around each other for a single, determined shake of our hands. At the simple contact electricity shot through me.

"Awesome." I let go and playfully ruffled his hair.

"Rule number four: don't do that!" He exclaimed, fussing with his messy, chocolate brown locks.

"Too bad buddy, we already shook on it. A verbal contract is binding in this state."

He glared at me. "Oh, now you're a lawyer? Seriously, you should stop taking random electives!"

I laughed, reassured by his banter that everything was still okay between us as friends.

Heero got up and unlocked the door and then seated himself at the desk to resume his studying.

I remained seated on the floor for a little while longer, looking up at him as he poured over his textbooks, eager for a normal, routinely distraction. Unbeknownst to him, with mischievous eyes I started plotting how far I could persuade Heero to take this.

As my mind happily ran amuck, exploring the shadowy parts of unconscious desire, I paused and frowned at myself as I self-examined: How far was I willing to take this? In my mind no boundaries seemed to exist. That was as odd as it was potentially dangerous, as Heero obviously did not share this limitless extension of sexuality.

But the train was hurdling down a steep slope and any attempt to brake was hilariously futile. Heero was just going to have to sit back and enjoy the damn ride.

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Chapter 8

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