"Thousand words"

Written By: ExecutiveShrimp

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not profit.

Rating: NC 17

Warnings: AU, angst, fluff, Lemon, OOC

Pairings: 2x1

Summary: Duo and Heero have to share a dorm room in college and they become best friends. When they discover that neither has time for, nor interest in a girlfriend, they explore a friends with benefits relationship. But sex never remains uncomplicated.

" Thousand words"

Six

I didn't feel like I had gotten any sleep that night. I may have nodded off once or twice, but never long enough to enjoy any of the benefits of actual sleep.

The sun rose over the horizon and peeked through the crack in the curtain to illuminate my flabbergasted, well-fuck-me face. The idea had been tenacious, nibbling at my very being ever since it sprung to mind like a Jack in a box ejecting forward. I certainly felt like it mocked me, rocking back and forth with a challenging grin: Now that I'm here, what are you going to do about me? It had become apparent to me, over the course of the night, that it wasn't a simple matter of grabbing it by the head and forcing it back inside. The box had been opened and would not shut again, the contents just didn't seem to fit back in. It was very disturbing and very confusing. I couldn't quite figure out my thoughts or feelings, everything was mumbled and indiscriminate and incoherent. I felt like I was at a party and all kinds of different opinions and emotions crowded me, shouting at the top of their lungs to be heard, but in the violence, none of them was able to express themselves clearly.

Heero stirred on the lower bed, I could feel the slight movements, reverberating through my own mattress. I felt him fling his legs over the edge and get up.

In a state of thoughtless panic, I shut my eyes and feigned sleep. I felt a tension, like he was looking at me and my heart thudded because somehow I feared he would catch me in the act of 'faking it'. Faking it? I groaned inwardly as my thoughts started to wander down paths clearly marked: DO NOT CROSS! DO NOT ENTER! TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT! Or should be, at least...

"Were you jerking off again?"

Jesus! I sat upright at the sudden, deep sound of his voice and my wide-eyed gaze landed on his face, focusing on the one raised eyebrow.

At the confusion clearly indicated on my face, he explained: "You had that guilty, oh-God-don't-let-him-catch-me look on your face."

"I have no such look," I argued childishly.

He snorted, then warned - pointed finger and all: "You promised I would never have to see that again."

I started to laugh uncomfortably. Very uncomfortably. I couldn't explain it, but at that very moment my eyes decided to wander and my mind noted: he's practically naked.

Heero stood by the bed, his head slightly tilted, his shoulders relaxed, his arms by his side, dressed in only a grey pair of boxer-briefs. With an accusing expression he inquired: "You didn't get drunk on the job last night, did you?"

"I am happy to inform you that I came home entirely sober and am currently not hung over," I tried in my most convincing sarcastic tone, hoping not to evoke suspicion because secrets are poorly kept with a roommate as observant as Heero.

"Well, you look like something is disagreeing with you."

"Just now you said I had my guilty-face on," I pointed out.

He shrugged. "Your versatile."

Like top and bottom versatile? My eyes nearly popped out of my head at that unwanted thought. I covered my face with my hands to keep the orbs securely in place and let my weight drop back to the mattress. A nervous chuckle erupted out of me. I couldn't decide whether I was horrified or amused by my straying train of thought.

"What's so funny?" Heero innocently asked.

"Nothing." But then I laughed harder, almost hysterically.

Heero sighed impatiently and I could vividly imagine him putting his hands on his hips and glaring at me. "You're not normally in such a good mood if you're awake at this hour," he observed critically. "What's going on? If it's funny, you have an obligation, as my friend, to share your amusement."

"Trust me," I breathed between cackles, "you don't want to know." My laughter suddenly died out and I dropped my hands back to my sides.

Should I tell him? I asked myself, staring up at the ceiling with empty eyes as I focused inwardly on my thoughts. I guessed the real question was: should I take this idea seriously? Was it really something I wanted to consider? If it was, then obviously I should tell him, but I first had to decide for myself. I could laugh all I want, I couldn't easily brush it off, if I could, the thought wouldn't still be bothering me after a long night of pondering it over. If it really was as ridiculous as it seemed, it wouldn't still be on my mind.

And I wouldn't be looking down at Heero's crotch! Jesus!

Inadvertently my eyes had drifted away from the ceiling it appeared.

Luckily Heero didn't seem to be alarmed. The possibility that I had been ogling him was probably too preposterous for him to be concerned with.

"Never mind, dude," I assured him, "I just had a crazy dream, that's all."

He smiled and shook his head and then turned his attention to the closet, to get a fresh pair of shorts and a T-shirt.

As Heero prepared for his routinely morning run, I tried to ignore him, purposefully turning my back to him. But the sound of rustling clothes were like memory cues and with each sound I knew exactly what he was doing and could envision the movements of his body as I had seen him get changed a lot over these past few years.

Pushing down his underwear and stepping out of it. Throwing it onto his pile of laundry. Slipping into a new pair of boxer briefs. Pulling up his tight pair of black shorts. Reaching down the front of it and adjusting himself. Putting on his shirt, first his two arms through the sleeves, then his head through the opening. Finally: sitting down on his chair and tying his running shoes.

Heero must have figured that I had fallen asleep, because after grabbing his MP3-player from the desk he walked out the dorm room without saying goodbye.

I rolled onto my back. In spite of the sleepless night, I was not tired, the abundance of brain activity felt like a shot of caffeine straight into my nervous system. With Heero gone, I felt more confident to let my thoughts stray to a more unorthodox way of thinking, the kind parents, priests and old ladies wouldn't approve of.

Gay sex.

It sounded vulgar, but at the same time intriguing, exciting, probably exactly because of the taboo.

The fact that I wasn't repulsed by the mere thought of it suggested more and more to me that there was some viability to my idea. I supposed, as a decidedly straight guy - after all, I had always been attracted to women, had only ever slept with women and had never experienced sexual desire for other men - there should be some level of disgust. Though I had been startled to learn from Heero the other day that I had been inappropriately affectionate towards him when drunk, the shock of that had quickly worn of and everything that I had expected to feel - the disgust and the self-doubt - had never made an appearance.

Instead what popped into my head was 'FWB', a popularized acronym for friends-with-benefits.

I was shocked by my own epiphany, but, again, not put off by it. During the night I had come up with several, very rational, very convincing reasons to box up this idea, lock it securely and never speak of its existence, but still I could not get rid of that 'yeah, but...' feeling. It's not something I could verbalize, not something I could put my finger on, but it was there and it was clouding all of my carefully constructed rationality.

Obviously, if I ever were to suggest it to Heero, it could jeopardize our friendship, whether he would go along with it or not. In addition, if other people would find out, we could loose friends, be faced with misplaced homophobia and be seen as gay by these people for the rest of our lives.

Yeah, but...

"But what?" I asked the ceiling. In absence of a response I continued pensively, hesitantly: "But... I wouldn't have to have one-night-stands and risk hurting someone's feelings, including my own... and... people won't see me as a player... and people won't be calling Heero a slut. And we already feel comfortable around each other. We know each other. We trust each other. We could rely on the other to keep it a secret." My reasoning took a strange turn when I suddenly found myself musing aloud: "And Heero certainly isn't unattractive... the contrary." I frowned at that, but rather than judging myself for this unusual realization, I ran with it. I closed my eyes and searched for an attractive image of Heero. He came to my mind panting, wet, his hair slicked back, in his knee length, navy blue swim jammers.

Definitely not unattractive.

To test myself, to see if the concept really wouldn't weird me out, I stopped myself from tucking the image away out of nervous embarrassment. If I was seriously entertaining the thought of engaging in a friends-with-benefits relationship with another guy - with Heero - I needed to confront myself with the reality of it, didn't I?

I nodded and kept my eyes firmly shut, my minds eye stared at Heero, the backdrop of the pool blurry and unimportant. The detail was astounding, I found it more fascinating than disturbing.

Heero's angular features were uncannily symmetrical and were bathed in a golden glow. His blue gaze - lined by thick, long lashes, hooded by the arch of focused, almost frowning eyebrows, - were piercing, never looking at something, always looking into something. His mouth had always appeared taut to me, but as I paid more attention to his lips, I realized they were fuller and probably soft. His hair was wayward, tousled, only controllable when wet. On any given day he looked like he had just rolled out of bed that way - which was exactly the case. Bed hair. Sex hair, my daring mind supplied.

Heero's body was lean and proportionally his legs were longer than any other's. They were strong and defined, but slender, like the rest of him. Heero moved with a cat-like elegance; determined and precise movements. He had a tiny waist with broader shoulders, muscled arms and a defined chest. Even though he was stereotypically short, he debunked the myth that Asian men, by definition, are 'small'. As roommates it was unavoidable that we would see each other naked and Heero's manhood was nothing to be embarrassed about. I had even been jealous when I first saw it. Heero was a head shorter than me, but his dick was just as big. It was a strike to my pride, because I had always boasted that I had a pretty impressive set of tools.

Having passed the novice level of contemplating-gay-sex-with-your-best-friend, with flying colors, I sinfully decided to challenge myself. I slipped my hand under the sheets and moved down my body. I found it harder to concentrate on my mental image of Heero. It was interrupted by flashes of him smiling and laughing and pouring over his textbooks, waving at me from the bleachers and glaring at me from across the table. Reminding me that he was not just an attractive guy, like all those girls had been attractive, he was my best friend and this - whatever 'this' was - could ruin our friendship.

I stilled my hand just before the fingers pushed past the hem of my boxers. Two things hit me.

One: I couldn't get myself to do it, but two: I was hard.

My whole face felt hot as my cheeks flushed with a vibrant red. I had not expected it to be that... easy. Storing the information for future reference I patiently waited for my body to relax and then gathered my stuff for an early morning shower. After a sleepless night, how much hope was there to steel away some rest in the morning?

I turned the faucet to a colder temperature than usual as I tried to sort my thoughts and feelings into something I could make some sense out of. Apparently my body was not opposed to the idea, but fear kept smothering that 'yeah, but...' feeling. Heero would likely think me crazy for even suggesting it, the odds that he would be as unexpectedly open-minded in regards to the crazy solution to a not all that important problem were slim. However, what may have been most fearful was the unlikely possibility that he would agree to give it a try and that the ensuing awkwardness would ruin our friendship.

I reached for the faucet and turned it even further towards the freezing when I was caught off guard by the suddenly vivid memory of Heero breathing against my chest as he exposed it one button at a time.

And so the hormones and the youthful sex drive fueled the 'yeah, but...' feeling once more.

Deeming to have spent enough brain power on the matter for now, I tucked all my confusing and disturbing feelings and thoughts away and tried to get on with my day.

That afternoon found me sitting shoulder to shoulder with Heero at our cramped desk in our small dorm room, trying to have a meaningful discussion about the design project I was going to help him with. Sadly, I could not push away all distractions. Strange, I noted, how a single, simple thought can change the context of everything. Suddenly, us sitting shoulder to shoulder wasn't as casual as it always had been.

Heero was explaining the mechanics to me, showing me one technical diagram after the other, his finger rapidly pointing at joints and paneling as he tried to explain to me how the humanoid looking robot could transform into an aerodynamic, airplane-like shape.

I found it all very complicated, complicated even more by the fact that my sick, perverted mind - what else to call it? - kept wandering. My eyes traveled away from the schematics to Heero's form. He was wearing tight blue jeans and a loose, green tank top that exposed a sinful amount of his upper body. He had just taken a shower and the hair at the nape of his neck was still wet and the smell of his cheap, ordinary shampoo and shower gel was amazing on him.

"Duo!"

"What?!" I was startled out of a surreal trance.

"You said you would help me but you keep staring into thin air!" He accused, then he deflated and continued apologetically: "If you don't want to-"

"Stop it! Of course I want to help!" I shook my head and focused my gaze back on the diagrams. I studied them for a moment, Heero quiet beside me. After a final glance at the crude drawings he had attempted himself, I flipped the paper to the blank side and asked him if he minded it if I would sketch a bit.

Heero instantly handed me a pencil.

"Thanks." I put the tip of the pencil to the paper and started to draw the shape of the machine. It became increasingly hard to concentrate as Heero leaned in closer and closer, enthralled by the process and, as always, curious to learn and improve himself.

The weird thoughts I was having of him had no place in a friendship, I realized, as the consequences of that one thought, of late last night, started to fully dawn on me. Just three little words - friends with benefits - and all of a sudden everything is different, everything has changed about the one thing that I never wanted to change: my friendship with Heero. But it wouldn't be the first time that a single moment would change our relationship. That is exactly what happened in our Freshman year when we went from hating each other, to being best friends.

Oddly, we had Relena to thank for that.

She had organized a Christmas party, right before Christmas break and everyone would scatter off to see their families, myself included. I wasn't really looking forward to going to Maui with my parents, watch my mother suntan in too small a bikini and watch my father evade the rays of the sun like he evaded the poor. Relena's party was the perfect excuse to go home a day later, to avoid being present for all the pre-trip stress, practically a ritual that my mother always had to go through.

Heero was going as well, Relena had been badgering him about coming, it had been an exhausting process to watch as she kept stopping by our building, or even catching us in our room, bullying Heero into going - for lack of better words - when her sweeter tactics had failed. Served him right for being such an antisocial asshole. How it was possible that the most popular and one of the most attractive girls on campus was attractive to him was one of those things that was probably explainable, but I just couldn't grasp. Like how the ancient Egyptians built the great pyramids.

While I was getting dressed for the party, Heero was in his top bunk, reading a formidable textbook. He didn't seem too concerned with looking good for the festivities, his was wearing old, ratty jeans, his old, beaten-up sneakers and the same shirt he had been wearing for two days now.

"Duo!" A muffled voice barked through the door.

With a smile I crossed the distance to the door - all two steps - and swung it open to greet my friend. "WuFei! Looking good man!"

"Remind me why I had to take two buses and a train for this particular party."

I shrugged, "Lighten up man, hot girls and free beers, what more do you want?"

"Intellectual conversation is high on my list." Suddenly, amidst the banter, he became aware of the presence of my roommate. He leaned through the doorframe. "Uh, hi there," he said to the soles of Heero's shoes.

No response, how typical. What was up with this guy?

"Let's just go," I suggested.

"Isn't your friend coming with you?"

"He's not my friend." I ushered WuFei into the hallway and closed the door behind me.

We walked to dorm building D, one of the girl's dorm buildings, briefly catching up along the way. WuFei did pre-med at a more prestigious university a few towns over, an education my father would approve of - he told me so many times. We actually knew each other through our dads, WuFei's father - equally judgmental and difficult to please - was on the board of directors of one of my father's companies, ergo they were steadfast golfing buddies.

"Here it is!" I held the door open and allowed WuFei to head inside first.

We were greeted by the booming sound of mainstream music and people shouting in an attempt to have a conversation.

"Duo, you came!" Hilde bounced towards me and giggled when she spilled beer from the plastic cup she had been holding.

"How many have you had?" I asked her as I held her cup so she could wipe her hands on her tight - tight! - jeans. Hilde was just a friend, but there was no harm in looking.

"Thanks." She took back her cup. "Who's your friend?"

"Hilde, this is WuFei, he's pre-med at Hicks."

"Ohh, there's a doctor in the house! I like."

WuFei gave me a look at Hilde's shameless purr.

I nodded to the cup in her hand and explained: "She probably had quite a few."

"You have to say hi to the hostess!" Hilde suddenly burst and she started to scan the crowd for the senator's daughter who had generously footed the bill for all the drinks.

"Since when are you and Relena so buddy-buddy?" Relena wasn't exactly my most favorite person in the world. She wasn't bad, but she had a distinct spoiled little rich girl attitude that I just couldn't stand.

"Come on, she's nice! I've never had a popular girl be so nice to me, it's... refreshing. I like her."

At that moment, I worried about my friend. I liked Hilde the way she was: funny, odd, eccentric. She had survived high school that way, I would really hate for university to drain it out of her.

Hilde led us to the kitchen were all the alcohol was on display. I stuck to the watered down beer because I didn't want to get stinking drunk and make an ass out of myself. I introduced WuFei to my teammates on the basketball team and some of the guys from my dorm. WuFei frowned the whole time we were in the company of the yellow-haired Nash, it was clear the ever serious WuFei did not know how to act around someone like that. It was amusing.

After a few laughs with Owen Bane, a new guy who had just transferred and tried out for the basketball team, we went back to the kitchen for refills. Scouring for a full cup of beer between the mess, WuFei used the relative quiet of the brightly lit kitchen to ask me:

"So what's the deal between you and your roommate?"

"Heero?" I shrugged. Honestly, he wasn't my favorite topic for conversation. It's not like I hated the guy, we just didn't get along and being cooped up in a tiny dorm room with someone who pretends you don't exist is quite frustrating. "Nothing. Literally. We don't talk or anything."

"Well, that's too bad, I really lucked out with my roommate, he's a great guy. Too bad he's a senior though, he'll be graduating by the end of the year and then I'll probably be stuck with some freshman."

I shot my friend a look. "You," I emphasized, "are a freshman."

"Next year I won't be!"

"In any case, we'll probably be in the same situation."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Normally, when you get shacked up with someone, it's for the full four years, but I asked around and it is possible to request a different room just before summer, so you'll have a new room by the time you get back in fall."

"Well, if you feel that's your only option. What does he think about that?"

I quirked an eyebrow at him. "Haven't told him."

WuFei snorted. "Oh, so he's just going to come back next year to a new roommate? That's kind of harsh."

"It's not like he's going to miss me."

"I guess it's probably for the better. It takes two to mess up a roommate-situation."

I turned and momentarily abandoned my cold beer to stare at him. "Pardon? So it's my fault? He didn't even say hello to you just now!" I prodded my friend in the side and nodded towards the door. "Speaking of..."

WuFei turned and watched Heero come through the door, looking incredibly uncomfortable. Immediately Relena was at his side, gushing over him. He looked - if possible - even more uncomfortable. WuFei made no comment, instead, he picked up where we had left off: "You can be difficult too. Your humor is a bit of an acquired taste, unknowingly, you can be really mean and abrasive at times. I can totally understand if someone less outgoing, like Heero, is put off by that."

"Hm."

"Besides, you're always very quick to judge people and write them off."

"Oh come on!" I burst, defending myself. "He was stonewalling me from the get-go, what was I supposed to do? Some people just aren't meant to be friends."

He gave me a meaningful look. "You have no idea how many people have said that about you and me. Yet here I am, drinking one-third beer, two-thirds water with you."

I looked past him at Heero, being handed an actual drink in an actual glass by Relena. She was practically gushing.

"So where are your parents taking you this time?"

"Maui. Jesus, my mom had to beg dad to take me along, can't say I'm grateful." He was still unspeakably angry at his son for choosing a meaningless education at a mediocre university.

"Nice."

"You?"

"I'm staying here this time, actually. Sally wants me to meet her parents this Christmas. She's already there, I'm supposed to join her tomorrow."

"Really? So it's getting serious huh? She got you wrapped around her little finger," I teased.

He glared at me. "No woman is the boss of me!"

"Aww, you like her."

"No I don't!"

I smirked. "It wasn't a question."

As if she knew we were talking her, WuFei's phone started to ring.

"Speaking of..." I took a sip from my beer. I scanned the crowd again and noticed Relena taking Heero upstairs, her arms tightly around him. Seriously? I made a face.

Annoyed WuFei fished the cell phone out of his pocket and answered curtly: "Yes?" Then soon after that: "No, no, I'm not angry. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have answered my phone like that."

I started laughing.

WuFei turned his back towards me so he could focus on the conversation. "Oh no. Honey, I'm so sorry... Are you okay? I'm with Duo... No, it's just a stupid party. I'm leaving right now, okay?" He checked his watch. "Thirty minutes tops. I'll be there. Bye, I love you too." He turned back to me with an apologetic look. "Your wing man has to punch out."

"What? What's wrong?"

"Sally was in tears," he looked genuinely concerned, "her parents just told her they are getting a divorce."

"Oh, I'm sorry." I felt bad for laughing at them before, I hoped she hadn't heard.

"Yeah, it's a mess. Apparently they got in a big fight and she walked away, she's waiting for me at the train station. Rain check?"

"Yeah, of course, she needs you! Hey and good news, at least now you won't have to meet her parents." I winked.

WuFei stared at me. "Yeah." Then, after a contemplative frown, he pointed at me and comment: "You know, that's exactly the kind of humor of yours I was referring to earlier. It's kind of harsh."

Weighed down by a significant guilt-trip I muttered my apology.

"No, it's fine, I can take it. But, just so you know." He patted my shoulder and said his goodbye before storming through the crowd towards the front door.

I sighed. The party was over for me as well, no wingman and feeling bad about myself did not make me feel like dancing or telling jokes. I finished what was left of my beer, put the empty cup with the others on the counter and started making my way through the mass of people as well.

Everyone popular enough to get invited had come and while I had been in the kitchen with WuFei, Nash and some girls had climbed on top of the dinner table to dance. He waved me over but I shook my head. I knew all fellow students saw me as quite the ladies man, having had several girlfriends already, but climbing on top of a table and grinding against perfect strangers wasn't my thing.

I continued towards the door but as I turned I bumped into something pink.

Relena.

She had a bit of a distraught expression but relief washed over that as she recognized me. "You're Duo, right? Heero's roommate?"

"Yeah..." How many times had she stopped by our room and yet she still barely knew my name? Talk about tunnel vision, I muttered inwardly.

"Good, I need you to come with me." she promptly took hold of my hand and dragged me through the dancing bodies.

"Wait," after I got past being dumbfounded I resisted her pull. "What's going on?"

She looked at me incredibly impatient and frustrated. "You have to come with me. Upstairs."

I had no idea what she was getting at. "Why?"

"Just come!" She grabbed my hand again.

With a sigh I decided to follow her, only because it looked like she was about to panic and I didn't want her to freak out and start screaming at me amidst all those people or anything. I trailed her upstairs and to her room. How I knew? There were two names on the door, one in pink and frilly lettering: RELENA, above a poster of little kittens wearing hats and dresses. Funny, I noted, in the guys dorm building there were posters of 'pussies' as well, but ironically they weren't wearing any clothes.

Inwardly chuckling I stepped into the small dorm room that was a carbon copy of my own, albeit cleaner and with more pink.

She pointed at the figure on the bottom bunk.

"Heero?" I was about to make an inappropriate joke about not being interested in a threesome when I noticed he did not look too good. He lay on his side, his legs drawn up. The hands, with which he clutched his abdomen were shaking. His face was sickly pale and sweaty, his mouth was open with pants and sometimes moans. His eyes were unfocused.

"Jesus!" I approached him cautiously, a little daunted by the seriousness of the situation I had been thrown into.

His eyes fixated on me, lacking all of the usual resentment with which he normally glared at me. He looked scared and I pitied him instantly, forgetting about my own negative feelings towards him. I kneeled beside the bed and touched his forehead. He was burning up. Being best friends with a medical student, I knew to check his heart rate as well. I put two fingers on his throat and was worried by his fast and irregular pulse. In contrast with his pulse he was breathing very slowly.

"What the fuck happened?"

"I don't know!" Relena screamed. "He just became really drowsy and confused and then he started breathing like that and becoming pale. Oh my god he's really pale."

"Yeah, I can see that!"

"Is he going to be okay?"

I glared at her. "Does this look like something he can just sleep off? Jesus!"

"Well, should I call for an ambulance then?"

"No, waiting for an ambulance to get here is just a waste of time. Go find Trowa, I saw him downstairs. He's on Heero's swim team, I think he has a car." I looked at Heero. "He has a car, right?"

Heero slowly nodded.

"Go! Go!" I yelled at Relena.

"I don't know who he is!"

"Really, really tall, auburn hair... Oh fuck it, just turn off the Goddamn music and call his name!"

She nodded and ran out the door.

It was a little awkward to be left alone with Heero and I felt uncomfortable under his stare, but I had more important things to worry about than such childish things. I stroked my hand through his hair. "Your going to be okay. It's probably nothing." I didn't know if it was nothing - I had no idea what it was at all - but it just seemed like something I should say to reassure him.

Suddenly the music died out and I heard Relena scream: "Which one of you is Trowa?!"

I kept stroking Heero's hair, hoping to comfort him, while I was scared shitless myself.

Heero coughed and then leaned forward and threw up, luckily missing my lap. His body shook, it almost looked like he was having some kind of seizure.

The music was turned back on but thankfully Trowa had still been at the party and Relena had managed to find him. Mere seconds later he was in the room with us. He seemed a little shocked at the situation.

"We're going to need your car, is that okay?"

"Sure. Of course."

I had no idea if Heero and Trowa were friends, but at least he was kind enough to help. He helped me get Heero up from the bed, each of us supporting one side of him.

Relena stood before us. In our way. "Are you going to take him to a hospital?"

"Yes, so get the fuck out of the way."

"Then it would probably help if you knew what I gave him, right?" She bit her lips and looked at us with big, sorrowful eyes.

I glared at her. "You gave him something? Wha- You- What did you give him?"

"I just wanted to help him relax, he always seems so tense! A friend of mine gave me something that could help with that."

"We don't have time for this," Trowa stressed, casting a worried glance at Heero's face.

"What did you give him?!"

"G-GHB," she stuttered, "I put it in his drink. I gave him more than my friend said I should, but Heero is so tense, I thought he needed more."

"GHB? Isn't that...?"

Trowa looked at me. "It's a date-rape drug."

"What? No! It was just to help him relax, he said!" Relena protested desperately.

"Oh my God, Relena," I exclaimed, "You are such a psycho bitch!"

Having no time to properly yell at her I pushed her aside with my free arm and Trowa and I took Heero downstairs. Oddly, no one ever questioned us where we were going. All in a days work, I supposed.

Along the way we had to stop as Heero threw up again, which was probably for the better, considering what he had been given. He had to get it out of his system.

We put Heero in the back and I hurried to the other side to sit next to him. He fumbled with his seatbelt and when I realized it wasn't going to happen, his hands uncoordinated and weak, I did it for him. Trowa took a seat behind the wheel of his old, small car and we sped off. Luckily it was late, so the streets were quiet. We arrived at the entry of the emergency room five minutes later. In hindsight, Trowa was probably glad Heero didn't vomit in his car, but at that moment, like me, the only thing he was concerned about was Heero.

Inside two nurses and a doctor took him off our hands and we were pointed to two empty seats in the waiting room. But I couldn't sit, I was too worked up about everything. What also had me thinking, was how worried I was, wasn't I supposed to not give a damn about Heero? Yet that night I bothered every nurse that walked by, demanding to see him.

After an hour, Trowa apologetically announced that he had to get home. He had a very early flight the next day, back to his hometown for Christmas. I thanked him for his help, he assured me it wasn't a problem. At his request we exchanged cell phone numbers and he kindly asked me to text message or call him as soon as I had any news about Heero.

Finally, I had calmed down enough to take a seat. A nurse approached me a few minutes later and asked about family of Heero's she could contact. I, shamefully, had to admit that I didn't really know him that well. I didn't even know how to spell his last name. That made me feel very guilty. Heero may still be the antisocial asshole, I - as the outgoing one - should have put more effort into getting to know him, if not to be friends, then just out of decency.

Another hour later, because they were unable to contact any family, I was invited to the room where he was recovering from having his stomach pumped. Probably unprofessionally candid, the nurse told me he had been given medication for his heart rate and they had inserted a nasal cannula to provide him with more oxygen as he slowly recovered from the respiratory depression. The situation was stable but he would have to spend the night in the hospital as the drugs made their way out of his system. Considering the nature of the drug, she offered to call the police, but for the time being I assured her it was nothing more than an unfortunate accident. When Heero was feeling better, he could decide whether or not he felt police involvement was necessary. Even though I could choke Relena for her mistake, it did seem to be just a mistake. It appeared her 'friend' hadn't clearly explained to her what the effects of the drug would be. Confronted with the results, she hadn't tried to rape him, she came for help.

Still, what a psycho bitch.

I stopped in the doorway to the room. There were six beds, two unoccupied, three had the lights turned off and the occupants appeared fast asleep. One patient was sitting propped up against a mountain of pillows. In the light of a reading lamp I could see his complexion had a bit more color.

At the sound of my footsteps approaching him, Heero opened tired eyes to look at me. He seemed a little baffled to see me there.

I sat down in the chair next to the bed. I contemplated reaching for his hand, but with the emergency of the situation over, that felt too out of place and alien. "How do you feel?"

He didn't answer, he said: "I didn't think you'd still be here."

A pang of guilt. Because he sounded so pathetic and sad. I shrugged and tried to be casual about it. "I know we're not exactly friends, but I wasn't about to leave you in a hospital all by yourself. The nurse said there wasn't anyone she could contact."

"That is by choice. So you don't have to feel guilty about that." His voice was soft and weak and vulnerable, unlike usual. Though he tried to act tough and glare at me.

"What do you mean?"

He sighed and looked away. After a while he answered: "My dad lives near here, but I don't want them to call him. He's probably passed out in bed anyway."

Daddy-issues, I could relate. "Don't get along with the old man, huh? I know what that's like."

He looked at me in surprise, probably not expecting me to be understanding and honest.

"My dad hates me because I don't want to become like him," I confessed. I didn't know why it was suddenly so easy to open up to him, but it was. Maybe it was the sad look in his eyes that all of a sudden made me want to be friends with him, just so the sadness would go away.

"My dad left when I was little and last year blackmailed me into coming to America." He spoke softly. His accent not as thick as it was, but still noticeable, reminding me he hadn't been in the States for all that long. The guilt piled onto my shoulders, he was all alone here, far away from his home.

I snorted and offered him a smile. "You win."

His lips formed a tired smile, it felt victorious, even though his eyes were still distrusting.

"Your English accent is getting better," I noted, solely to alleviate the tension, even though it was the truth. "Last time you told me to go fuck myself I couldn't distinguish it from a true American. Practice makes perfect."

"Thank you," he replied uncomfortably.

"Sorry if I have been giving you a hard time."

Heero seemed surprised at the serious turn in the conversation.

"To be honest," I continued after a brief pause, "I'm not really used to people not liking me. That sounds so stupid, but it's true. Generally speaking, people respond positively to my jokes and such, so it sort of threw me that we didn't get along. It never really dawned on me that that might be because I can be a little... much."

"Hm." Heero smiled bitterly.

"What?"

"It's just funny." That's what he said, but his expression was not amused, it was still sad. "You're used to people liking you. I'm used to people not liking me. So, that's probably why I reacted so severely to your 'jokes and such'. I just couldn't imagine the attempt at befriending me to be genuine."

"Well, I have to admit, after the sixth "go fuck yourself" I wasn't really in friendly headspace anymore. Or was it the seventh?"

Heero smiled, brightly and earnestly this time.

I smiled in return. "Wow, who knew a near-death experience was all it took to get us to be normal to each other?" I joked.

"Yeah, if I had known this months ago I would have long drugged myself or something."

Pleasantly surprised at his dry sense of humor that matched my own I burst out laughing. Rather than shushing me, Heero chuckled with me. I looked at his face in wonder, it was like he was a completely different person and maybe he was. All this time there had been a wall between us and it was the stone cold facade of this wall that I had been looking at. Stupidly, it never occurred to me that there may be a likable, real person behind that wall and that the facade wasn't about being an asshole, but about protecting himself.

"So, how are you feeling?" I asked, remembering the crazy night that was now behind us.

Heero smiled at me. He was still quite pale, there was an IV in his left arm and the pure supply of oxygen through his nose was still necessary, yet he answered: "Never been better."

And just like that, we were friends.

"Where have you gone?" Heero's deep voice broke through the fog that clouded my mind.

I looked up from the paper, a little perplexed to find myself in the here and now again. "What?"

Heero nodded towards the paper. "You just stopped drawing all of a sudden."

I looked back down at the incomplete pencil image of a 'Gundam'.

Heero smiled at me, the way he had that first time in that hospital room, the way he only did to me. "Are you okay? If this bores you..."

"No!" I interjected, I didn't want Heero to feel bad about me helping him with schoolwork for once. "No, that's not it, my mind just drifted off a bit, no biggie."

"Where did you go?"

I briefly thought about lying, but then I thought to myself: why would I? There was nothing shameful about that memory, I really shouldn't let my friends-with-benefits idea get to me like this. I answered truthfully, after brief, inner debate: "The day before Christmas break, Freshman year."

Heero snorted, but the smile never wavered. "Sentimental sap."

"I just now realized we have that psycho bitch to thank for our friendship. Should I send flowers?"

Heero playfully punched me. "Don't give her any idea, who knows what she'll lace my drink with next."

"Oh, don't worry baby, I'll be there to protect you."

Heero let out a hearty laugh.

My hands started to get sweaty as a crazy thoughts popped into my head. The 'yeah, but...' feeling had returned with vengeance. I braved to speak the words I was thinking: "You know, Relena had a crazy idea and something really good came out of it."

"Okay, whose drink are you thinking of spiking?" Heero joked dryly.

"No! Nothing like that! But, I do have a pretty insane idea. How open-minded are you about crazy ideas?"

Heero gave me a look. "You got me to pee in a public fountain. In broad daylight. So there is really no telling how open-minded you'll bully me into being."

"It's way more crazy than that."

"Okay, give me a ballpark estimation. Rob-a-bank crazy, or build-our-own-spaceship-out-of-scrap-metal-and-fly-to-the-moon crazy?"

His question threw me off, because it suddenly dawned on me that I didn't think my crazy idea was as crazy as the two he had suggested, even though, all things considered, I probably should have. It was another reminder of how strangely open I was to the idea.

Heero continued dryly: "Because I could use the money, but I really don't think we'll be able to create a pressurized cabin and enough rocket power to get out of the atmosphere."

I wasn't yet sure if I really wanted my friends-with-benefits idea to become a reality, but since Heero was such a big part of it, I figured I should probably clue him in on my crazy thought process early on, see how vulnerable he would be to the 'yeah, but...' feeling. I guess though I mostly wanted to tell him because I wanted him to decide for me, as it became increasingly more clear to be that though I could not shake this idea, I had reservations about putting it into action as well. Yet the scary, crazy side seemed to overpower the rational side more and more. I needed him to douse me in an abundance of rationality so I could just drop the idea and have a good night's sleep and not find myself staring at his crotch again.

Heero tilted his head in wonder as he must have caught on that I was being serious as opposed to just joking around. "What is it?"

Stalling, to grant myself time to gather up more courage, I explained: "It's just a crazy thought that popped into my head last night. And I don't even know if I want to. But I also don't know if I don't want to and... that says a lot I think." From the expression on his face it was clear I was only confusing him. "I've been thinking of a way to have sex without having to get into a serious romantic relationship and without leading girls on to have one-night-stands."

Heero, still unsure of where this was going, only quirked an eyebrow at me.

Just spit it out! I told myself. Then, it happened and even though I knew it was going to, it still startled me. "I was thinking of a friends with benefits situation."

Heero's perplexed expression never changed. The question in his eyes was obvious: With who?

"With you," I clarified.

Aside from his eyes widening he remained frozen in his seat, staring at me with the most shocked and flabbergasted expression.

I waited expectantly. I had expected him to either laugh it off or just tell me no - and tell me that I'm crazy. His silence was confusing and - after a very long time had passed - uncomfortable and worrisome. "Are you okay?" I eventually ventured.

He swallowed loudly, then said with an odd voice: "I think I'm having a cerebral hemorrhage." Then he suddenly started laughing nervously and in between gasping breaths as he continued to laugh, he said: "I thought you just asked me to have sex with you!" His laughter soon died out when I did not join him and instead just looked at him. "Oh my God." He got up from his seat and walked to a distant corner of the small room.

I noted Heero was reacting the same way I thought I would. I still wondered why I hadn't.

"Maybe you are the one having a stroke!" He accused.

"I've been thinking about it all night and all morning."

Heero made a face, more than a little perturbed. "No. Nonono..."

"Not like that!" Well, actually, it almost had been 'like that', but I didn't think it a good idea to confront him with that.

He looked at me accusingly, angrily. "This is about what happened Friday night, isn't it? This is still about that stupid almost-kiss thing. I thought you were going to drop it."

"I did!" I argued. "I'm not upset anymore. The contrary in fact. I'm okay with it."

He looked at me like I had gone mental and maybe I had, because the more I thought about it, the less freaked out about it I was.

And I was looking at his crotch again...

"Jesus Duo, stop looking at my groin!"

Oops, didn't think he's notice my fleeting glance. "I take it you're not very open to the idea..."

"Let me put it this way: I wish you had asked me to go to the moon with you." Heero seemed to simmer down, but he stayed near the wall, away from me, visibly struggling to dismantle the bomb I had just dropped on him.

"Like I said," I tried to appease, "I'm not really sure if it's something I want... But I must confess I'm not appalled by the idea. Lots of people have a friends with benefits relationship."

"Lots of straight, same gender people?" He deadpanned.

"I suppose not. Look, I know that it sounds so crazy, but think about it. Is it really crazy? Sex is just sex, it's just a physical thing, you don't have to be in love with someone to have sex with someone."

Heero rolled his eyes. "But there has to be attraction."

"I'm not gay, let me get that straight - no pun intended. But as a straight guy I can still recognize that you are attractive. Doesn't that boil down to attraction?"

"Not really."

I continued bravely: "And we'd probably be great in bed together."

Heero put his hands on his hips and scoffed. "Oh really?"

"Yeah. You have your sexual mojo that keeps the ladies coming and I think I can say that I've got the moves as well. On top of that, we're both guys, so we know exactly what feels good. And we feel comfortable around each other and we trust each other."

Heero sighed and looked at me pleadingly. "Duo, stop it."

"Why, are you starting to see the logic behind it?" I teased.

"No, you're making me uncomfortable. You've given this a disturbing amount of thought!" He looked apologetic as I - apparently - looked disappointed. "You are a very good looking guy and I don't doubt that you've... 'got the moves', but you're talking about having sex together like it's a straightforward solution to your problem when it is about the most farfetched thing anyone could come up with. How did you ever get to this?"

"The guys are calling you my wife. We have this little things where we pretend to be an old married couple. How could it not cross my mind? Our friendship has never been a regular guy-guy friendship, is it really that much of a leap?" I frowned at myself. I was really trying to justify it and convince him, shouldn't I be as repelled by the mere idea as he was? Was he too sexually conservative, or was I just way too far out there? I just saw sex as a fun and relaxing activity. Of course, with the right girl, sex was more than a physical act, I knew that, but without love - and even without the opposite gender, evidently - I believed sex could be a good relief and should not be taken too seriously and doesn't necessarily have to prompt deep and meaningful questions about the self.

I wasn't opposed to having sex with Heero. That didn't - not even for a moment - make me doubt my sexual orientation. I liked girls. I just so happened to like sex as well and the easiest, most uncomplicated access to that happened to be a guy. So what?

I recognized society would approve nor understand my perspective on the matter, but in the total lack of completely freaking out myself, I was overcome with a calm and acceptance.

"Stop looking at my crotch!"

I chuckled. "Sorry."

"It's not funny." But a smile cracked his otherwise severely disturbed expression anyway.

"Sit down, I'm not going to molest you."

With a relenting sigh he walked back to his seat and sat down.

"I've tried to convince you to see the upside to it. Now you try to convince me to see the downside."

He frowned. "I really need to?"

"I know what the downsides are, I just, so far, haven't found them to be very persuasive."

"Fine," he paused but didn't have to think long. "What about: risking our friendship?"

I nodded. "Valid point, I thought of that myself, but I think we might be able to handle it. Like I said, there is nothing standard about our friendship, the other guys already frown at how close we are and that has never bothered us."

The fact that he started thinking of a new argument, made me wonder if I had convinced him on the previous and if the 'yeah, but...' feeling was getting to him.

"We're not gay," he said definitively.

"We don't need to be."

Heero chuckled uncomfortably. "What is the matter with you? You can't seriously be toying with this idea, it is ridiculous! It doesn't make any sense and it is so frustrating that you are acting like it is the most straightforward thing in the world." He made a lot of awkward, uncoordinated hand gestures as he stumbled with more syllables that never made any sense.

Very Duo-like of me - meaning: stupidly - I blurted: "I got hard thinking about you today." I said it as a final attempt to convince him that we didn't need to be gay to make sex work, only when I said it was I once more reminded of how crazy my idea was.

Heero's innocently shocked expression quickly yielded to a dangerous glare. All of a sudden he rose out of his seat and powerfully pushed his hands against my chest. I felt my body being pushed backwards, the chair starting to tip. Sure enough the weight shift was significant enough to tip me over and I painfully landed on my back on the carpet. The chair rattled and something snapped - one of the wheels broke off. I looked up at him as he stood over me, his glare more intense than I ever remember it being. The 'yeah, but...' feeling cowered, leaving me totally defenseless against the pang of guilt as I realized I had clearly offended him and jeopardized our friendship for something so unworthy as casual sex.

I really overestimated his openness to the idea, based on my own.

"Go fuck yourself," he spat. "Seriously."

In a blur, with stomping feet, he was gone.

Had I really pushed it so far? I wondered, still on the floor. I understood his reaction - I recognized it was the reaction everyone was supposed to have at a proposition like that - but I did not identify with it. Briefly, it scared me. Was I so loveless that, to me, love and sex had become so detached that sex in itself had lost all meaning to me?

I knew it was a crazy idea, but I didn't think it was that crazy. The look on his face was one of shock and betrayal. Clearly I had underestimated the biggest downside to this idea: the risk to our friendship. I had been operating under the illusion that he would be as strangely calm about it as I was. But he felt the things we should both be feeling and in evoking those feelings in him, I had already negatively affected our friendship with this loony idea of mine.

I hoped he would come back soon so I could apologize and then pretend nothing had ever been said or done.

I knew that was going to be tough though, seeing as I still couldn't stop thinking about it.

Chapter 7

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