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"Thousand words"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: AU, angst, fluff, Lemon, OOC Pairings: 2x1 Summary: Duo and Heero have to share a dorm room
in college and they become best friends. When they discover that neither
has time for, nor interest in a girlfriend, they explore a friends
with benefits relationship. But sex never remains uncomplicated. " Thousand words" Chapter Twenty I watched him with dull, tired eyes. I hadn't been able to sleep. Heero had eventually fallen into a light, restless slumber, crying himself to sleep, his sobbing and shivering must have exhausted him. I hadn't even dared to close my eyes. I needed to stay awake and make sure no nightmares would haunt him. I had held him against me all night. He had turned around to face me, clutching a handful of my shirt in his hand and burying his face under my chin. I was grateful he allowed the closeness, I could only hope it would help ease his pain in some small way. But that changed by the time he woke up the next morning. I was pretty sure he hadn't looked at me all day, there had been no eye-contact. He barely spoke too. Needless to say, he had me in a state of constant worry. He was rushing to get dressed. He had been at the library all day, explicitly instructing me not to bother him. He would be missing at least two, probably three days' worth of classes, so he had to prepare to prevent himself from falling behind too far with what little time there was left before graduation. He didn't return until later that afternoon, to shower, stating he had to get ready to go to his father's house for the mandatory Sunday dinner. Nothing else. He was so curt with his words I wondered if he practiced his sentences in his head before saying them out loud, eliminating all words but the absolutely necessary ones. "Are you sure you want to go?" I was still in my sleepwear, sitting on the edge of the bottom bunk. I'd spent most of the day there, trying to sleep, without much luck. "Want? No." "I'm sure he'd forgive you for missing Sunday night dinner, considering what has happened." "I have to ask him for money anyway." I sighed, staring as he paused to tie the shoelaces on his beat-up sneakers. Heero needed money to buy airplane tickets if he wanted to be present for his grandmother's funeral. "I have money," I reminded him. He didn't respond. "Heero, I wouldn't mind paying. I-" I stilled. "Are you listening to me?" "Yes!" Was his agitated response as he rummaged through every pocket on every article of his clothing - on his body, on the floor and in the closet - clearly looking for something. "You shouldn't have to go spend the evening at your dad's place because he won't give you money otherwise." He started ripping clothes off the shelves, tossing them onto the floor. "Where is my wallet?" With a grunt I got up from the bed and grabbed his wallet, which was on the desk in plain sight. "Heero." He turned around, avoiding eye-contact and noticed the black faux-leather wallet I reached out to him. He snatched it from my hand. "Where did you find it?" It sounded like an accusation, like he thought I had been hiding it from him. "It was on the desk…" "Oh…" At that point he must have remembered putting it there himself, because the animosity evaporated. He stuffed it in the back pocket of his jeans. "Heero, I'm offering to pay for your ticket." "I know!" "Then why won't you just accept it and not force yourself to go see that asshole tonight?" "I don't want your money, okay?" Finally, he looked right at me. His eyes were stormy. "I don't want you to have to take care of me. I'm not some charity!" As an afterthought he spat angrily: "And I'm not your boyfriend either!" "I'm not offering money to a charity, or to my boyfriend," I sneered in response, but I calmed myself before continuing more gently: "I'm offering money to my best friend." "I don't want to be a burden to you," He said through gritted teeth. I placed my hands on his shoulders. "Heero, you are not a burden. Please, I want to help you. I want to be there for you." He looked away. "I have to go, or I'll miss my bus and I'll be late." I realized I shouldn't argue with him. I only wanted to make things easier for him, I shouldn't give him a hard time, regardless of my best intentions. If he didn't feel comfortable accepting that kind of money from me, I shouldn't force it. "Okay, okay," I tried to hush him. I wanted to give him a hug before he left, but he pushed past me and he was out the door before I could react. I let out a deep breath and ran my hand through my hair. I knew I had no right to be upset with him, but I was disappointed that we had reverted back to this place; back to a place where he couldn't let himself get close to me and get intimate with me. Back to the place where he had to prove to everyone, but mostly to himself, that he was still a tough guy. It was in this exact place that things nearly went horribly wrong last time. When he fucked that girl in the library. But I couldn't blame him and I shouldn't expect too much from him. He was grieving. He shouldn't have to consider my feelings about a relationship that, according to him, was non-existent. Although he might feel he was better equipped to deal with the situation by himself, I was going to be there for him, in whatever capacity he needed me. With determination I put on some semi-presentable clothes and headed out to the library. I didn't have my own laptop and Heero never let me use his, so I had to make use of the public computers. It was quiet in the large space. Only a handful of people had scattered throughout the building, all of them going out of their way to find their own private corner; one person per table that could seat eight and sitting on the floor between the tall bookcases. I took a seat in front of the nearest computer and logged in. If Heero insisted on his dad paying his plane ticket instead of me, I would accept that, but I wasn't going to let him go alone and his cheap father surely wouldn't foot the bill for a second seat. The prices of a roundtrip to Japan made me a little anxious. If Heero had taken me up on my offer it would have cost me my entire savings. Still, I would have done it without a moment's hesitation. The cheapest flights departed from Pittsburgh international airport and arrived in Tokyo, where we would have to switch to a smaller plane going to Fukuoka, on the largest of the southern islands of Japan. The round trip would cost over a thousand dollars per seat, quite the chunk of change. But Heero needed to be there for her funeral and I needed to be there for him. There was never any doubt in my mind. I sat back and wondered what it would be like to finally be in the country where he was born. I had always been curious about his heritage, I never thought I would be introduced to Japan in this manner. I had always wished I could have made the trip with Heero during happier times. I would have liked to have met his grandmother too, even though she was too far gone to have been able to comprehend who I was - she hardly recognized her own grandson anymore, after all. I wondered if she would have liked me, if she had met me during a time when her mind was still lucid. And of course I wondered what she would have thought about the exact nature of my affection for Heero. He had always painted a picture of a kind, but traditional woman - a woman of honor - that had me a little worried that she would have never approved of me, let alone of me having a romantic relationship with her cherished grandson. I wondered about his mother too. She didn't sound like a pleasant woman. I had no doubt she would dislike me. I headed back to our dorm room and ended up in Heero's bunk bed again. The emotional turmoil was exhausting and my resolution to stay awake and wait up for my roommate was in vain. With my heavy head finally finding some rest in the soft support of the pillow I fell asleep. What startled me back into consciousness was Heero coming home later that evening. Obviously he hadn't been expecting me to be asleep, so he stormed into the room. He threw the door open so powerfully that it hit the wall behind it with a bang. He tossed his jacket into a corner with a growl and kicked the door shut again. "Heero?" I sat up immediately. "That fucking asshole!" He looked over at me and frowned. "Why are you in my bed?" I purposefully neglected to answer his question and instead posed my own: "What's wrong? What happened?" He snarled an obscenity of choice and dropped down into one of the chairs. His fingers attacked his shoelaces but he had little patience and ended up forcefully toeing off his sneakers and kicking them away. Realizing he wasn't going to volunteer any information I pressed: "Don't tell me that bastard won't pay for a ticket?" We had always known Heero's father was an insufferable dick, but for him to refuse to pay to let his son go to his grandmother's funeral! "He can't!" Heero emphasized. "He can't?" He shook his head, not wanting to say any more about the subject, but my prying eyes wouldn't relent, so eventually he elaborated: "Halfway through dinner I ask him if he could give me more allowance so I can go to Japan and he tells me that he absolutely has no money to spare." He made angry gestures with his hands as he told the story. "He tells me that he is actually behind on my tuition payments and he has to pay for that first or I'll be expelled!" He let out a bitter laugh. "Jesus Christ." "He says it'll be fine, when he gets his next paycheck. But he can't pay for a ticket. Not this week." Another laugh. "But he says he's happy to pay for a trip two weeks from now, so I can visit her grave. Fucking father of the year, right there." I got up from the bed and knelt down on the carpet in front of him, placing my hands on his knees. "Heero-" He looked at me pathetically. "Please don't. I know what you're going to say, but I don't want-" He buried his face in his hands and I could feel he started to shake again. He realized that if he continued to refuse my help he would not be able to go to the funeral and clearly it upset him, but he didn't want me to see the emotion on his face. "Heero," I breathed and I gently took hold of his wrists and pulled his hands down into his lap. I looked up at his miserable expression with sympathy. "You don't have to be so proud." I told him carefully. "You can take my money. You can let me see you cry. I won't think less of you." He whispered: "I don't like that I need you." I felt my heart break a little, but I wouldn't let the small smile falter from my lips. "Why not?" After a pause I added vulnerably: "I need you." My admission didn't seem to comfort him, so I bit my lip and stopped myself from saying that I loved him. My relationship with Heero was elastic. Over the course of the past few months I had been able to stretch it quite far, but I always knew that it would reach a point where I pulled too hard and it would snap. I couldn't let that happen right now, not when things were so delicate and Heero was already so distraught. One day I would confess my feelings to him, I knew I couldn't keep it bottled up inside me forever, but for now I had to ease up on the tension. "I promise I'll pay you back." I sighed. "If that makes you feel better." Heero nodded and pulled his hands out of my weak grip, rubbing his palms over his jeans to dry the nervous sweat. My nervous sweat or his, I didn't know. "So will you let me buy us tickets?" His eyebrow twitched. "Us? Tickets?" "I'm coming with you, you idiot." "Duo, it's really expensive." "I know, but I can afford it," I reassured him. It didn't matter much to me that I would be graduating in two months with nothing in my bank account. I knew that I'd miss him more than I would miss my savings and I would never forgive myself if I let him go by himself. We planned the trip and booked the flights. The wake was Wednesday evening and the funeral was on Thursday afternoon, but taking the time difference into account, we had to fly Tuesday afternoon and we would arrive early in the evening the next day, local time. We would fly back to the States a few hours after the funeral. The time zones and the long flight made for a bit of a hassle and for the first time I was sympathetic to his mother never bothering to figure it out. The trip would cost us only two days' worth of classes, at least as far as Heero was concerned. I knew that after a journey like that, I would be skipping classes that Friday as well. I didn't worry about missing classes, all the teachers ever did in the last few weeks was provide feedback on the projects we were supposed to complete in our own time anyway. I felt confident enough I could finish my ongoing projects successfully. Heero was needlessly apologetic, I tried to reassure him, but I couldn't get it out of his head that I really wanted to help him and to be there for him and that he wasn't, in the least, a burden to me. I traded shifts with one of the guys at work so I'd have Tuesday and Thursday night off, instead I worked two Mondays in a row. I really hated working on Mondays, those were never any fun - and always with whiny Martin who loved working the quiet Mondays - but I had to keep the money rolling in, as little as it was. Halfway into my shift and halfway into yet another meaningless discussion with Martin, about rubbing the beer glasses dry in a way that would really make them shine for fuck sakes, Obie walked into the quiet bar, his face was white and he made a beeline for me. "Dude, I just heard." "Heard what?" I dried one of the glasses under the watchful gaze of Martin. I could feel his disapproving stare on my hands. "About Heero's grandmother." "Oh?" I frowned. "Heard from who?" Heero certainly wouldn't have told him. He hardly spoke to me, let alone to others. "Nash." I nodded. "Right." Nash had made another crass remark that morning to Heero as we headed out the door and I had gone back inside to plead him to be nice for just a little while. Hoping to get some sympathy from him I had explained the situation. He had seemed genuinely sorry about giving Heero a bad time. "He told me you guys are flying to Japan tomorrow." "Yeah." "Why didn't you tell me?" "I was going to. I just have a lot on my mind right now." "Shit man." He took a seat and ordered a beer. "No can do, it's Freshman-night, we don't serve alcohol." "Fuck. Right." "Coke?" "Sure," He said with a shrug and accepted the bottle and glass I handed to him. "So, uh… Is it a round-trip for the both or you… or?" "Of course. Why?" I raised my finger at him, needing him to hold his thoughts for a moment and turned to face Martin who was in my personal space, scrutinizing me. "Fuck. Off." He scurried to the other end of the bar. "Why would you ask that?" I rephrased. "Well, he's gotta be pretty devastated. I thought maybe he'd want to spend some time there, stay with his mom." I snorted. "He hates his mother. Almost as much as she hates him, I am told." "But still. Now that his grandma is gone, things gotta be different between them. Shared grief and all? If someone in my family died, I'd wanna stay home for a while. Granted, my family's in Kentucky, but… When my granddad died right after high school I postponed going to college for a year. Being home made me feel close to him. Weird huh?" "Not at all." I stared at him. "I never knew that. About your grandfather and staying home a year." He chuckled and picked at the paper label on his bottle of coke. "It's not really 'guy-talk'." "Hm." "But you're sure Heero's coming back with you?" "Yeah, of course. He's only a few credits short of graduating after all." "I know, but I thought maybe he'd want to take a year off and come back next year to finish." "Heero is not the kind of guy to take a year off," I said with a fake chuckle. Obie was starting to make me nervous. "He can do it, he can graduate." "You're probably right. You know him best." "I do," I asserted and still I had no idea what Heero was thinking more often than not. Eager to change the subject I asked him about his wife, Jenny, and her plans to do a semester abroad. "I told her she should do it, if it makes her happy." I nodded. "Good. I think that's the right thing." "Yeah. I'm not too excited about it, but I don't want to be the Neanderthal that needs his little wifey to stay in the cave." With a laugh I said: "Good call. She wouldn't want you to be that Neanderthal either." "Speaking of the misses…" He looked down at his watch. "I should bounce. Good luck with… you know." "Thanks." "Give Heero my condolences?" "Will do." He rapped his fist on the bar and then slid off the barstool and left. To make it through my shift I scared Martin into silence, towering over him and barking at him as his senior. I just needed him to stop looking over my shoulder and scrutinizing everything I did. The one good thing that could be said for the Monday shift was that you could do it on autopilot, so I didn't need him hovering by me, requiring my attention. The next day I had classes until four thirty but I decided to skip the final workshop of the day to give myself time to prepare for our flight later that day. When I arrived at the dorm room Heero wasn't there. I knew he had the afternoon off, but I figured he was hiding in the library. I knew I had to give him as much space as I could stand, so I took care of my own responsibilities and tried not to worry too much about my friend. I got down onto the floor and reached under the lower bunk for my duffel bag that I had kicked under there after returning from that awful trip to the 'Maxwell ranch' last Christmas. I zipped it open and was surprised by the items I found inside. I had forgotten all about them. First I lifted out the picture of myself in fat camp, leaning back against a centuries old tree - but my torso was nearly as wide as its trunk. It was the picture Nash had found, one he had nearly publicized for the entire school to see. Heero saved me from that. I smiled at the bitter sweet memory. The second item was the small but heavy box with elegant script that my parents had gotten me for Christmas; the hideous golden watch. I still planned on returning it to them. In fact, I was looking forward to it. I was going to tell them I was gay along with it. I couldn't wait to see the looks on their faces. I opened the bottom drawer of our desk and tossed the two items inside. They were lost among the clutter, much like our well-used bottle of lube. I got up and started packing clothes. Only a single set of casual clothes, a couple of pairs of underwear and socks and of course the single neat suit I had kept and a black shirt and black tie to go with it. As I was packing the door opened and Heero slipped inside. "You should start packing. We have to be at the train station in little over an hour." He set to work; retrieving his own bag and stuffing it with the necessary clothes. Heero didn't even have a black suit. When I asked him about it he explained that his mother would arrange a suit for him to wear to the funeral. "Ready?" I asked. "Yeah." "Let's go." I locked the door to our room behind us and we left in silence. We took the subway to the train station and after a brief wait the train took us to Pittsburgh International Airport. Our luggage we were allowed to take with us as carry-on bags. After going through security, getting casually frisked and struggling with our shoelaces and having to go through the metal detector three times because it kept reacting to buttons on my jeans, we were free to roam the duty-free section of the airport while we waited for our plane to start boarding. I purchased a box of chocolates, which - even at duty-free - was still overpriced. During stressful and sad times I still couldn't help but reach out to comfort food and I thought it wouldn't be too bad to indulge a little, to take the edge off things. We took a seat on an uncomfortable bench overlooking the tarmac and our plane, which was being fuelled. Heero sat up straight. I slouched, with the box of chocolates in my lap. "At that rate you will finish the box before we are over international waters," He pointed out dryly. I smiled, I was just happy he finally spoke. He had literally not said a single word since we left our dorm. "Want one?" "Just one?" "As many as you like." He looked at the remaining selection in contemplation and picked a chocolate I didn't like anyway - one he knew I didn't like. I wondered if he chose that one on purpose as a favor to me. "I like snacking at the airport. Makes me feel better. I always get nervous before a flight." He shrugged. "Have one with caramel. Those will definitely make you feel better." He didn't say anything and took the chocolate that I suggested to him. He chewed on it thoughtfully, looking out the window. "Feel better?" He shook his head. His gaze was distant. My face fell, I didn't mean to imply that a superior chocolate could make him forget about the death of his beloved grandmother. Really, all food ever did was cure superficial aches and pains. I put the box on the empty seat to my left and I took hold of his hand that was laying limp between us. He looked at me, the questions evident in his eyes, but I stared back at him and said nothing, only squeezed his hand. There was no one there to recognize us, we were safe to hold hands. When it didn't seem like he was going to pry his fingers out of mine I pulled his hand into my lap, holding it with both of mine. I gently stroked one of my thumbs back and forth over his knuckles. He relaxed and, in silence, we waited, hand-in-hand. Even as more people started to crowd the gate he didn't feel compelled to pull away from me and my heart fluttered with a sense of joy that was probably totally misplaced and inappropriate considering the circumstances. Our hands didn't detach until it was time to start boarding. We found our cramped seats in the middle of the plane, right over the wing. I gave Heero the aisle seat. The man next to me made a nervous remark about us being right by the fuel tank. We were supposed to take comfort in the fact that in case of an explosion our death would be instant and painless. I stared at him incredulously. Not helping, dude. Once we were up in the air and the man had fallen asleep with his earphones on and the other passengers started to quiet down, settling in for the long flight, I felt comfortable enough to produce a pencil from my bag and started drawing on the pages of a Sudoku book I had purchased along with my box of chocolates. The lines and numbers that were already printed on the page didn't bother me much, I could see through it. Heero tried to kill some time leafing through a scientific magazine that was in the pouch on the back of the chair in front of him. Eventually he studied the emergency manual. When he went to the bathroom I didn't think much of him and continued to draw; a character from a popular series of comic books I used to be into, but when I realized ten minutes later that he hadn't returned to his seat I started to feel anxious. He returned a little later with red eyes but he pretended nothing was wrong and grabbed the magazine for a second time. I didn't say anything, I didn't want to make him feel self-conscious. "You should try to get some sleep," I suggested, noticing he was bored. He must have been so distracted by his own thoughts that he had forgotten to pack something to entertain himself with. To my surprise he didn't argue with me, instead he got comfortable in his seat - as comfortable as was possible in coach - he leaned his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes. Without thinking I kissed the top of his head and breathed in the smell of his hair. If anyone around us saw, they certainly didn't care, I got no odd looks. After a ten hour flight we landed in Tokyo Japan. I was a bit dazed and confused by the foreign script on the overhead signs. My sleep deprivation didn't help matters either. Luckily Heero had made this trip many times before, so he was familiar with the large airport. Effortlessly he guided us to the correct gate for our lay-over and we didn't have to wait long for the smaller airplane to Fukuoka to start boarding. I was gripping both armrests in fear the entire time. The flight was jolty, the smaller plane was quite heavily affected by the turbulence and more than once we dropped suddenly in altitude and I had to swallow my heart back down. We landed at Fukuoka airport and our journey was still not complete. We had to take a train to Shingu, Heero's hometown. I just followed my friend, he knew exactly where to go. The train ride was smooth and perfectly scheduled, cutting through interesting landscapes and providing a view of the Genkai-nada Sea - Heero told me - on our left, as we neared our destination. Shingu was a coastal town, pretty small and visually it matched with how I had imagined it. Nothing remarkable, but it was still special in a way, perhaps only because I felt a new sense of closeness to Heero, now that I had been where he was from. We passed an IKEA, that was interesting. We arrived at a small white house with wooden shutters on all the windows. A path of stepping stones led up to a sliding front door that was unlocked. Heero pulled the door open and stepped inside, calling out something in Japanese. In the area by the door we took off our shoes and there were slippers ready for both of us. Guest-slippers. Coming to greet us in the hallway was Heero's mother. She approached him and stood on the tips of her toes - she was even shorter than he was - to give him a hug; a hug that he did not reciprocate. With a flat tone he introduced me, first in Japanese, then in English. "Duo, this is my mother, Rei." Trying my best to be polite I made a slight bow. "Hello, misses Yuy. It's an honor to finally meet you." She pursed her lips as she looked me up and down. She was a little heavy for her height. She had short arms and short legs. I noticed little resemblance between her and her son. She was so short she must have been looking up my nostrils more than anything else. She didn't say anything in response, clearly not bothered with being polite. I was right when I suspected she would resent me from the get-go. She shuffled into the living room without a word. "Something I said?" "Don't worry about it. I'll take you upstairs, we can put our bags in my room. She's going to make tea so we do not have much time. You never miss tea." He rolled his eyes and led the way up the narrow staircase. Traditional rice screen doors separated the small hallway from a bedroom, an office and a bathroom. Heero explained his mother's bedroom and private bathroom were downstairs, they used to be his grandmother's quarters when she had still lived with them and the office had been his mother's bedroom. But when they were forced to take his grandmother to the home for the sick and elderly, his mother had taken the large downstairs bedroom without any scrupulous. She had hip-problems, apparently. I hoped that meant she never came upstairs. The petit woman frightened me a little and I really needed a good night's sleep without worrying about her tiny frame looming over me in the dark. Heero's bedroom was tiny and dull. It took me a while to realize it, but there was no bed, only a desk and a closet. A black suit hung from a hanger on the closet door. "Uhh…" That was the extent of my eloquence after a journey of approximately fifteen hours. "We sleep on futons. It's a kind of mattress that you roll up during the day. They're in the closet right now." "We sleep on the floor?" I couldn't hide my skepticism. "Yeah. Sorry." "No, it's fine. It's just… you should have told me, I wouldn't have given you any grief about the top bunk back home, I would have gladly let you sleep there if I had known you had slept on the floor all your life." He snorted. "You make it sound like we sleep on a bed of cardboard boxes in a wet alley." I put my bag down and looked around the room. There was nothing distinguishable about it. No pictures. No keepsakes. No decoration of any kind. The floor was covered with mats of woven straw, the walls were beige. The view out window was that of the white wall of the neighboring house and the driveway in between. "It's a little different from your bedroom at your parents' place…" He said sheepishly. My mouth formed a sad smile. "That doesn't matter." Rei called from the bottom of the stairs. Something Japanese. "I guess that means tea is ready?" I said with a chuckle. "Yeah. Come on. Get it over with." I was a little apprehensive kneeling down on the living room floor by the salon table, watching as Rei poured the tea ceremoniously in utter silence. When she sat down and we all took our first sips I tried to start op conversation. I remembered Heero telling me in passing once that his mother did speak English, but I must have been mistaken because I received zero response. After a while she gave me a look which clearly communicated that she wanted me to shut my trap. At that point she shared a quiet conversation with Heero in Japanese. He was clearly irked and tried to encourage her to speak in English, but she refused. Yeah, she wasn't a fan of the big American. We were wordlessly dismissed after finishing our tea and we went back upstairs, taking turns in the bathroom to freshen up. Dinner was equally quiet and uneasy and it was difficult for me to pretend that I was enjoying the serving of seaweed on the side. My palate was far too unadventurous for that sort of thing. But I figured it was rude not to finish my meal, so I ate as much of it as I could stomach. The tense atmosphere didn't help the food go down either. My stomach twisted into all kinds of uncomfortable knots. After dinner we got dressed in our suits - Rei put on a traditional, black kimono - and we walked to the rest-home that was only a few streets removed from the small house. Because Heero's grandmother had been living at the home for several years, the wake was held there. My heart was beating so loudly I was afraid someone might hear the thuds coming from inside my chest. It was so quiet in the hallway, all I heard were our footsteps and an occasional cough coming from one of the rooms. A nurse guided us to an event-room in the back of the building, and I supposed most 'events' held there were wakes. The décor of the space was dreary in its attempt to be minimalistic and respectful. It was like they feared everything would be too cheerful, so the room was washed in shades of beige, with not a single picture frame on the walls. There were some chairs by the window, but straight ahead was the simple casket and by it a single vase with flowers. Rei walked right up to the open casket but Heero stopped dead in his tracks in the doorway, right in front of me. I tried to gently encourage him to move closer with a nudge to his shoulder but he was too stiff and wouldn't budge. Rei reached into the casket and seemed to be adjusting something. She beckoned for her son to step forward, but he shook his head. He said something to her in Japanese that made her scowl, but after heaving a deep sigh she stepped out of the room and closed the door. "Do-" I cleared my throat, "Do you want me to leave as well?" "No," He replied curtly and he took a few steps closer to where his grandmother lay. Wanting to be close to him to offer him any needed support, I followed him, but always stayed a step behind. Now that we were closer to the casket I could see into it. I saw a frail, old woman, dressed in a pristine, white kimono, lie like she was asleep. Her hands rested on her stomach, thin fingers clasped together. Her hair was silver in the light. I was expecting him to be emotional at the sight - Hell, I felt myself tearing up - but instead he remarked rather matter-of-factly: "It doesn't look like her." "Oh?" He shook his head. "It looks like one of those wax statues. There's a resemblance, but you can tell it's not the real person." I waited silently for him to walk closer to the casket, but he didn't. He kept standing there, a few feet removed from her, his shoulders tense. "You can say your goodbyes to her now," I urged him. "No. I can't," Was his forlorn reply. "That's not her." I placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, but pulled it back and stuffed it into my pocket when the door suddenly opened again and Rei came back inside. After only a few short moments the first people came to pay their respects. In between receiving condolences Heero explained to me that none of them were family, they were just neighbors and old friends of his grandmother. Even her old doctor and dentist made an appearance. Many of the people handed Heero's mother a silver envelope with black ribbons. Condolence money, my friend would later inform me; an old custom. It didn't last long, there weren't that many people close enough to the family to care to show up. I stood off to the side and simply observed, at one point noting with an inappropriate sense of humor how much taller I was than everyone. An hour later we went back to the house, Rei leading the way. We toed off our shoes in the hallway and were about to head up the stairs when his mother spoke to him quietly but urgently. Of course I didn't know what she had said, but judging by Heero's expression he didn't appreciate her words. His initial reply was monotonous as he was holding on to his patience, but when she seemed to insist on something, hissing at him, he sneered at her in return. He was flustered and tense and glaring at her. Rei raised her voice at him, wanting to get her way about something but Heero told her off. Suddenly the short woman turned to look at me and for the first time she spoke directly to me: "You can sleep in office." I raised my eyebrows. So she does speak English! I was about to nod and agree with her when Heero grabbed my arm and pulled me up a few more steps. He yelled something at her over his shoulder which certainly didn't please her, but at least it seemed to shut her up. She stomped her small foot on the floor and shuffled into the living room with a huff. Meanwhile Heero and I made our way up the stairs and into his room. He slammed the screen door shut and braced his hands against the wall, letting his head fall. "What was that all about?" I wondered. "If it appeases your mom, I don't mind sleeping in the office." "I don't want you to sleep in the office," He said through gritted teeth. He sighed and turned around, leaning his back against the wall. "But…" He frowned and looked away. "Maybe you should." I closed the distance between us and planted my hands against the wall on either side of his head. Leaning in close I whispered: "I sleep where you want me to sleep." He wrapped my tie around his hand and pulled me down but stopped his tugging before our lips would meet. "I want you to sleep with me." "Then I will." His face contorted - annoyed with himself - as he admitted: "I want you to want to sleep here with me." I nuzzled my face into the juncture of his neck and shoulder and wrapped my arms around his waist. I didn't say anything, I didn't trust my words, but I hoped my actions were clear enough. I held him to me tightly and squeezed tighter still when I felt him return the embrace. We changed into our sleepwear and Heero fetched two futons, quilted blankets and pillows from the closet. He rolled the thin mattresses out on the floor. The room was so cramped there was no space left between the beds. I crawled under the sheets and tried to settle in comfortably. It wasn't as bad as I had feared, but it wasn't like my bed at home either, I could tell there was only a thin layer between myself and the hard surface of the matted floor. Heero switched off the light and crawled into the bed next to mine. In the darkness I asked: "Are you okay?" He didn't reply. "Are you dreading tomorrow?" No answer. I reached out and my hand found his upper arm. He was lying on his side, facing away from me. I caressed the skin left bare by his short-sleeved shirt. Without a word he rolled over and scooted closer until he was lying right beside me, facing me, on my futon. He let out a shaky breath. I turned to lie on my back and wrapped an arm around him, with my hand in his unruly hair I eased his head onto my chest. He lay an arm across my abdomen and draped a leg over mine. "Goodnight," I said. "Goodnight." It was another sleepless night for me, but I was happy he was able to get some rest, sleeping soundly against me. When he turned around during the night, I positioned myself behind him and kept my arms around him. I enjoyed the soft rise and fall of his chest and the way the hair at the nape of his neck tickled my nose. Admittedly I was worried about his mother barging in, especially when the sun started to rise, but that didn't happen. He started to wake up and turned around with his eyes still closed. I longingly studied his face, the expression peaceful as he was still not fully conscious. After a few moments his eyes fluttered open and he stared into mine for a long time until he eventually whispered: "We have to get up." And he promptly did. Breakfast was as awkward as I had expected it to be. Nothing was said between the three of us but I did catch Rei looking at me more than once. Her stare made me uneasy, it was as if she suspected there was something between us, but if even people at school hadn't yet figured it out, how could she possibly know? She only saw her son a few weeks a year for the past four years and it wasn't as if they were close enough to really know anything about each other. The cremation was scheduled shortly before lunch. There was a brief, traditional ceremony at the temple adjacent to the crematorium where the casket had been brought to overnight. A priest chanted. Even fewer people were present than had shown up for the wake. After the ceremony Heero and his mother escorted the casket inside for the cremation. I waited in the lot at the bottom of the steps of the temple. I was pacing back and forth. I couldn't deny that I was affected by the ordeal. When they emerged from the building and met up with me I couldn't help myself; I didn't care about his mother's disproving look, I gave him a hug. The three of us had lunch at a nearby restaurant with the two other people who had stayed behind in support of the family. But Heero and I killed most of the time outside in the small parking lot, not talking, just sitting shoulder to shoulder on a concrete barrier. Two hours later we were expected back at the crematorium. I had to wait outside - Heero wanted me to come along, but his mother insisted and I silently begged him not to argue with her. They performed another ritual in private and Heero came out carrying the grey, stone urn with her ashes and we walked up the hill to the graveyard. The headstones were close together as there were no bodies buried there, everyone was cremated and buried underneath the headstones were only the urns with the deceased's ashes. We halted at what appeared to be the family plot; three similarly styled, modest headstones. The middle grave was open and under the watchful eyes of the priest and his mother, Heero kneeled and placed the urn inside, beside another one. Two workers closed the heavy, granite seal and then left with their heads bowed. I watched, intrigued by the foreign ritual, as Heero was handed a small bucket with water and soap and a cloth and he approached the headstone. Two names appeared to be carved into the stone, the one of the left was colored in with a kind of red paint and it was that red paint that Heero washed off with the cloth. When he was done he put the items down and came to stand beside me in front of the grave, staring at the names with empty eyes. The guests were the first to leave, then Rei and finally the priest, briefly laying a hand on Heero's back to offer his support. We were left alone in the graveyard. "When my grandfather died," Heero started to explain flatly, "We had my grandmother's name carved into the headstone as well. It's cheaper that way. When the spouse is still living, their name is painted red. When they die and join the grave, you wash off the red. They're together again." He let out an abrupt chuckle. "They're probably already fighting." I smiled at him. I was startled when suddenly I felt his hand take a hold of mine. I glanced sideways at him, but he was still staring at the headstone. Our fingers entwined and I felt him lean closer to me; his shoulder touched mine. But just as suddenly he pulled his hand away and he covered his face as he started to cry. "Shhh. It's okay," I said to him softly. "She wouldn't have wanted me to be gay," He sobbed pathetically. "I don't want to be gay." I swallowed audibly at the implication that he was and was starting to realize it. "She loved you. She would have loved you no matter what," I tried. He covered his mouth with his hand, hiding his trembling lower lip. "I don't want to disappoint her," He eventually muttered. "She doesn't deserve that." His heartbroken remark quelled my short-lived hope and joy. I wished I could offer him some comfort, but my words would be empty. I didn't know her, after all, I couldn't convincingly claim that she would have been okay with it. He glanced up at me but his expression only became more tormented. I hated seeing him like that. My heart clenched painfully. I wanted to hug him and kiss him but that would likely only upset him further. He pivoted on his heels and walked away. I went after him and fell into step behind him quietly as we made our way back to the house. We changed back into our casual clothes and packed our bags. For five full minutes his mother stood at the bottom of the staircase, yelling at him at the top of her lungs. Heero didn't respond in any way, shape or form, stuffing more clothes into his bag than he had brought with him for the trip. "What was she saying?" I asked once she had finally quieted down. "She wanted us to come down for tea." "Shouldn't we-" "Are you done?" He nodded at my duffel bag. "Yeah." He zipped his closed. "Then let's go." I didn't mention that we needn't be back at the train station for another two hours, I was pretty sure he was well aware of that fact. I followed him down the stairs and we stepped into our shoes. Rei came into the hallway but even as she was talking to her son, he kept her back towards her and focused on tying his shoelaces. I stood beside him tensely, not knowing what to do, or if I should even do anything. Heero held the door open for me and gestured for me to go outside, so I did, ducking my head between my shoulders as Rei started to shout in a high-pitched voice. One word she kept repeating: "Okama!" I looked at Heero with a frown and he just bowed his head and closed the door behind us. I could still hear her screaming that word as we walked through the yard and onto the street. I could have sworn I heard her all the way to the train station. The word kept ringing in my head, in spite of the fact that I had no idea what it meant. She said it with such hatred and disgust. We arrived at the empty train station early and took a seat while we waited. I wanted to say something, but I was at a loss. My instinct was to fill the silence with a meaningless ramble, but I felt it would not be right. Instead I focused on the surroundings. With the train station being higher up on the slope on which the town was located, we had a view of the narrow streets, the sea and a strip of pine forest separating the two. In the distance I saw the IKEA sign towering over everything. I tried to imagine what growing up in that little town had been like for Heero. I smiled as I imagined him running through the streets and playing with friends in the forest, even though I knew that to not be the truth of his upbringing. He had never had many friends and between his mother wanting him to do chores around the house and his grandmother wanting him to read and study - always knowing that a good education would get him out of this life - he told me he didn't have much spare time. He also told me that he never minded. My eyes narrowed at a dark grey bank of rainclouds sweeping in from the North, dragging along the coastline, casting shadows on the water. The train arrived and took us back to the airport. I yawned several times; the lack of sleep was finally starting to take its toll. My eyes were burning. At the airport I headed for the revolving doors, but Heero lingered outside, even as the rainclouds were starting to catch up with us and a heavy downpour threatened. I waited for him as he seemed to stare far away. "Are you okay?" "Yeah," He called over his shoulder. "I'm just- I'm never coming back here." His remark should have made me happy, but it didn't. I was relieved that he wouldn't be leaving in less than two months, but I mostly felt sorry for him, because there was nothing left for him here. In a way I was getting what I wanted, but this wasn't how I had wanted it to go. He turned and walked past me, heading into the building. We were up in the air only shortly before touching down in Tokyo for our lay-over and from there the long flight across the Pacific departed. I didn't mean to, but I fell asleep and Heero woke me up hours later with a nudge in my side and nodding at the 'Fasten Seatbelt' sign that had lit up as the plane made its approach. When we arrived back home it was Thursday evening, again, but for us it felt like Friday late afternoon. I was dragging my feet as I made my way up the stairs and Heero wasn't exactly rushing behind me. While I fumbled to find the keys to our dorm room in one of the many little pockets on my duffel bag, Nash popped his head out his room and said: "Some guy came looking for you." "Some guy? That's not very specific," I deadpanned. "Shut up, Maxwell, I wasn't even talking to you." He nodded at Heero. My friend looked as perplexed as one could look after the long trip we had had. "Me?" "Yeah, genius-boy. Some other oriental dude came by. Black hair in a ponytail." WuFei? I thought, puzzled. Nash continued: "I asked him if I could relay a message but he politely declined." After a pause he added dryly: "That's sarcasm by the way, he was very rude." "Thanks, Nash," Said Heero. We were about to step into our room and I was quite eager to ask Heero why WuFei would show up out of the blue, when Nash called his name. We both turned around. He scrunched up his nose awkwardly. "I'm sorry about- I'm sorry about your grandma, Yuy. Seriously." He appeared genuine. Heero only nodded in response and then slipped passed me into the room. "Thanks, Nash, He appreciates it." "Yeah." He disappeared back inside his room. "See? He's not so bad," I concluded, closing the door. I put my bag down on the floor next to Heero's. "So? WuFei came looking for you?" He was sitting on a desk chair, untying his shoes and answered dutifully: "We've kept in touch. We email back and forth every now and then. I told him about my grandmother, he probably came by to offer proper condolences." I frowned. I knew Heero and WuFei had been starting to get along better right before things exploded between me and the Chinese man, but I would have never suspected their friendship to be strong enough that they would still be in contact after a year since I last saw WuFei. I always thought that - paradoxically - they were too similar to be really close friends. They were both too quiet, too stubborn and too serious. Or so I had thought. Deciding to be direct, I asked: "Why did you stay in touch with him?" He straightened up and looked at me. "To keep track of him." "Why?" "For when you were ready to be friends with him again," He explained. "If," I corrected. "What?" "If. Not when." A small smirk appeared. "When." He paused before continuing with a slight, confused frown: "I never understood why you didn't call him the second Hilde revealed that she had been deceiving you and that he had been right to call her out." As he talked he started to strip out of his clothes. I followed his lead, getting rid of the layers of clothing that stuck to my body. "Ego, mostly." There was no reason to be anything but sincere. "I was so embarrassed, I felt like such a fool. I didn't need him to throw an 'I told you so' in my face. And I guess I stayed afraid of that 'I told you so'. Even to this day." Dressed in a fresh pair of underwear and a clean shirt he asserted: "He wouldn't have said that. He still wouldn't." I shrugged. He was probably right, but the thought of facing my once best friend was still daunting. I had been such an ass, when he had only been looking out for my best interests. "I'm tired, I'm going to sleep." "Sure, me too." I was still working on putting on a pair of sweat pants. Heero crawled into bed, turning his back to me. I finished getting changed, closed the curtains, locked the door and switched off the light. I blindly groped my way around the foot-end of the bed until I found the ladder. I was about to climb up to the top bunk when I heard him say my name softly. I stilled and waited for my eyes to adjust to the low lighting. When shapes finally started to appear, I saw Heero was lying on his side, facing the wall, leaving over half of the mattress free. I realized with a skipping heartbeat that I was being invited. I let go of the ladder and got into bed with him. My body fit perfectly against his. I lay my hand on his hip and kissed the back of his neck. "Goodnight, baby," I whispered boldly with a grin.
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