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"Thousand words"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: AU, angst, fluff, Lemon, OOC Pairings: 2x1 Summary: Duo and Heero have to share a dorm room
in college and they become best friends. When they discover that neither
has time for, nor interest in a girlfriend, they explore a friends
with benefits relationship. But sex never remains uncomplicated. " Thousand words" Ten It wasn't like that for me. I tried that and in the
beginning it worked; detaching the person that was going down on me
from my friend that had playfully punched me just moments before for
making a stupid joke, even though they looked remarkably alike. But
that changed. Every time something happened between us I was hyper
aware of the fact that it was Heero. And it didn't bother me. The
opposite in fact, it heightened the pleasure I experienced, although
I didn't know why. What I also couldn't explain was why exchanging blow-jobs
didn't seem to be enough for me anymore. I attempted to placate my
incessant desires by upping the frequency of our sexual activities,
but that wasn't the solution. I kept craving more, but not necessarily
more of that. I still had the urge to kiss him, though luckily I had
managed to keep that under control so I wouldn't break the rules again
and betray his trust. In addition I started having fantasies of taking
our arrangement 'all the way'. Fantasies that sometimes weirded me
out a little, but other times my inhibitions didn't seem to matter
much and I just wanted it. I wanted him. It was almost Christmas. The one year I had left with
him, before he would go back to Japan, had dwindled down to six months.
And I was feeling sick to my stomach for having to leave for a week
to meet up with my family at the Maxwell ranch. I'd much rather spend
Christmas with him, but instead I was forced to make nice with the
woman who gave birth to me and the man who paid my tuition; that was
all they were to me. I pulled my duffel bag out from underneath the bottom
bunk and started packing, even though I wasn't leaving until tomorrow
night. I liked to get a head start, since I had classes all day tomorrow
and I knew I would be insufferable if I happened to forget to pack
something. More than anything the bag steadily started filling up
with comics, books, DVD's and even some school work; anything to preoccupy
myself with that week. As I rummaged through my drawers I came across
the porn magazine that Heero and I had used for 'inspiration' that
first time. Smirking I sat down on the carpet and relaxed back against
the desk and thumbed through the pages. The door opened suddenly and Heero stepped inside. With
his eyes affixed to the clothes scattered across the floor he wondered,
as he sidestepped the clutter: "Am I interrupting something?"
His eyes found me amidst the mess and spotted the dirty magazine in
my lap. He grinned cheekily. "I am interrupting something." "No," I held up the magazine to show my trousers
were still properly fastened. "But since you're here… Wanna
have a go-round?" I tossed the magazine into the chaos and got
up on my knees. "Better not lose track of your porn, I have swim
practice," From the open closet Heero picked out a change of
clothes, his swim jammers and a towel. I pouted. "Why? You already know how to swim,"
I deadpanned. Heero fake-laughed as he stuffed the items into his
shoulder bag. When he moved to walk past me I reached up and took
firm hold of his hips, turning him to face me. With me on my knees
my mouth was at the perfect height for the activity I had in mind. "Duo, come on…" His attempt to push me
away was only halfhearted. "I can't be late." "I'll make it quick." I winked up at him. "I'll still be late. And by the time I've returned
the favor I'll be especially late." "Then I'll just do you this time." A frown dawned on his face. "What? Why?" "It's cool. You can return the favor later,"
I hurried to explain. It was better if he didn't know that I liked
giving it – not as much as receiving it, but still. He sighed and turned up his wrist to look at his watch.
"I can't. I can't be late." I could tell he didn't want to leave, but I knew eventually
his logic would win over his desires and it was just a matter of time.
"But you won't be back until late at night… and I'm leaving
tomorrow," I tried with a begging tone. Heero chuckled. "I'm sure we can manage for one
week." Since he still didn't try to free himself from my hold,
I decided to push my luck and once more risked bringing up the issue
that had been a pink elephant in the room for few weeks. "Maybe,
as a tie-over, we should… go all the way." The previously amicable atmosphere became instantly
frosty. He unhooked my thumbs from the belt loops in his jeans and
took a step back, folding his arms in front of his chest. "We've
been through this," He reminded me, like a chastising parent
denying a child access to the cookie jar. "I happen to think we should revisit the issue.
I mean, I think actual sex is one of the benefits stipulated by the
friends-with-benefits arrangement." "Considering the fact that our arrangement differs
quite greatly from the usual friends-with-benefits situation, involving
people of the opposite sex, I think 'actual sex' has no place in our
personal arrangement." "But-" Heero snorted. "Duo, you are not thinking straight-" "Oh, that's funny." He rolled his eyes at the unintended pun he had made.
"I meant you aren't thinking rationally. You aren't thinking
this through. Seriously, think about it." I was and it was just making me feel more horny. "Neither of us wants to bottom, we've already been
over that. I bet neither of us could go through with it as the top
either. That leaves us with blowjobs. Can we please drop this now?
I feel like we keep repeating this same, useless discussion." "We aren't, you keep cutting me off, you refuse
to talk about it." He shrugged. "Well, now we talked." He turned
and headed out the door. "Finish packing." "I'm still horny, you know." "Then deal with it. You're on your own this week,
better get used to it," With a grin, that at least let me know
everything was still alright between us, he left. I sat back on my haunches and with a sigh I stared at
the mess that surrounded me. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I would last
a week. I had become addicted to him. I also doubted whether he could
last as easily as he proclaimed. He may be the more coy one of the
two of us, but he always reacted enthusiastically. I dared to say
he was as insatiable as me, he just knew that he never had to ask
for it, because before long I would initiate it on my own accord. His continuing refusal to take our arrangement to the
next level was disappointing him, certainly as the idea had grown
increasingly appealing to me lately. He didn't exactly leave the matter
open for discussion, either he simply refused to talk about it, or
he made the decision for the both of us, like he had just done. I
supposed he was right, but that didn't change the way I felt. I still
wanted more. I wanted that next level. But there was no rational way
of convincing him to go along with it. Maybe it was time to play another
game with him, to move the progress along. He needed a little nudge,
like the first time I started sucking his dick. Something that took
the rationality out of the decision making process and instead made
it about our desires. Those were more easily persuaded. But I couldn't
very well maneuver him on all fours during one of our sessions and
expect him not to protest. I had to be much more cunning than that.
More importantly, I had to be able to brush it off as a joke in case
he still wouldn't be receptive to the idea, or else he might respond
to my nudge by pushing me out of fourth story window. Bored with packing and feeling turned on by my own thoughts
I made myself comfortable on the carpet and reached for the porn magazine
again. Aside from providing the required visual stimulation to make
things happen, a particular image gave me an interesting idea that
might sway Heero in favor of my suggestion to take things all the
way. Filing the idea for later I flicked through the magazine to my
favorite picture; the full page image of a guy bending a girl over
a desk and taking her from behind. I paused. Wait, didn't I usually
describe the picture from the girl's perspective? 'A girl bent over
her desk, being taken from behind'? That was one of those thoughts
that I preferred to scrap and toss away and never bother myself with
again, so that is what I promptly did. Instead I focused on the pornographic
image and unfastening my pants and pushing them down just far enough. After a swift but rather uninspired right-hand-workout,
I tossed the magazine back into a drawer, shoved my bag back under
the bed and kicked the clothes and items I had strewn across the floor
to a corner. I would clean that up later. And if I wouldn't, Heero
would. And then he would bitch about it. But he was amusing when he
got like that. I made every effort to stay awake until Heero came back
from practice, but eventually I had to surrender to the temptation
of my top bunk and once my head was on the pillow, I couldn't keep
my eyes open for much longer. My dreams were very interesting, inspired by a particular
picture from the magazine. When I woke up the next morning –
Heero gone again for his morning run – I was excited to set my
plan into motion. I went to most of my classes, like the occasional-A
student that I was, but I skipped the last two. I had to make some
time to go to the mall before I would have to leave for the airport
and the Holiday of Horror that awaited me. When I came back from my hasty and decidedly awkward
shopping trip I found Heero sitting at the desk in our dorm room,
busily working on the next project he would ace, like the one I had
proudly helped him with. "Wassup, homeboy?" "Everything is chill… dude," He replied
absentmindedly as he hurried to scribble down his latest brilliant
thought in his notebook before he spun the desk chair around to face
me. "Where were you this afternoon? Next time maybe give a guy
some notice when he has to get his own lunch." "I had to skip the last couple of classes and lunch,
so I would have time for some last minute holiday-shopping."
I started to grin at the thought of the present in my backpack. "Right. So you conveniently skipped on Math?"
He quirked one eyebrow. "Hey, with a tutor like you, who needs "The
Patronizer"?" "Mister Patrons," He emphasized, "is
only talking to you like you are a five year old because you act like
a five year old." He flashed me a smile. I could never tell him this, but lately that smile sent
shivers down my spine. I shrugged. "Whatever, I have you, I don't need
anyone else." Why did my heart constrict at that seemingly innocent
statement? I shook my head to rid myself of distracting thoughts.
"Get… them?" Heero chuckled. "Your parents? You said you went
holiday shopping." "Oh! No, I'm not giving them shit." "Good, I'm sure that wasn't on their wish list."
His smile turned into a smirk. "You know, you can let some of the opportunities
to insert a sarcastic comment slide… It'll keep me on my toes." "Yeah? How do I get you on your knees?" He
adjusted in his seat seductively. Oh wow, that one totally blind-sighted me. "Uhhh…"
Is my nose bleeding? "Sorry, you seemed so rejected yesterday. I thought
I'd make it up to you." He shrugged and straightened back up,
effectively retracting the invitation that was previously extended. I swallowed. Unfortunately I didn't have much time anyway.
"Rain check?" He shrugged again. "What I was saying: I didn't get my parents a present.
They've been naughty." I took off my backpack and reached inside
it, producing a gift-wrapped present the size of a shoebox, complete
with sparkly red bow. "I got something for you." Inspite of the child-like glee that twinkled in his
eyes at being offered a Christmas present – something he had
never gotten, he had confided in me – he reminded me: "I
told you years ago. I can't afford to get you anything, so it doesn't
feel right to be accepting a present from you. It feels like charity." I insistently held out the box towards him. "Look,
if I did this right, we will both enjoy this present. It's not charity."
I could barely contain my nervous laughter. "In fact, I'll bet
you'll end up accusing me of being selfish." His eyebrows formed a deep frown. "It's not charity. Please just take it…"
I looked at him expectantly. "If you don't I'll have missed a
valuable math class for no good reason." He glared at me for my unsubtle attempt at manipulation,
forgetting to question my previous statement that must not have made
any sense to him at that moment. "Just take the present." "Why?" "Because you've been naughty too, this year, but
in a way that I appreciate," I grinned shamelessly at him. "So
you've earned a present." "Fine." He took the box from my hands and
his fingers moved to the bow, to start unwrapping. "Woah, woah, woah!" I reached down and took
hold of his wrists before he could pull the ribbon loose. "Not
yet. It's not Christmas eve yet." He glared at me. "You want me to wait until Christmas
Eve to open it?" "Well, yeah. That shouldn't be a problem for you,
right? You are the patient one. The one who can 'hold out'?" Heero pouted, looking down at the present in his lap.
"Not when I'm curious." There it is again, that overpowering urge to kiss him.
I let go of his wrists and took a step back. Do not pounce him. Do
not pounce him. Do not pounce him. Luckily my brain reminded 'my other
brain' that I had to hurry if I was to make it to the airport on time,
which made refraining myself a little more doable. I reached deep
inside my backpack for the envelope that was on the bottom. "Here.
I got you a card too. You can't read the card until Christmas Eve
either," when I was far beyond is reach so he can't inflict any
pain on me, which would likely be his initial instinct. "Great. Now I already hate getting presents,"
He grumbled and he put the box, with the card on top, aside. Given his reaction I felt a little bad about getting
him a present that would probably just piss him off. I planned to
pay no heed to the no-presents-rule the next time his birthday came
around and I would get him a proper present, something that would
make him smile when he opened it and I'd be there to see that smile.
I already felt nervous under the pressure of getting him something
amazing, even if his birthday was still months away. Something to remember me by. My heart ached again. "Fuck, I really gotta go." I pulled my bag
off the top bunk. I had finished packing it that morning. "Good luck," He said, empathizing. "Thanks. You too." We were both faced with
the same unpleasant ordeal of being confronted with our less-than-beloved
family. With a heavy heart I started for the door. "Hey, Duo." "Hm?" I turned around. He smiled at me and it was brilliant. Whilst shrugging
sheepishly he said: "For what it's worth: Merry Christmas." I dropped my bag in the doorway and rushed back to him
with two large strides. I leaned forward and promptly wrapped my arms
around him in a tight embrace, completely catching him off guard.
I was going to miss him. It hit me like a bitch slap. This goodbye
was only for a week, what was I going to feel when he would leave
for Japan and I wouldn't see him for God knows how long – if
I was ever going to see him again? That must be like getting hit by
a freight train. I wasn't looking forward to that. "Jesus, Duo," He exclaimed, unsure of the
unexpected hug. "You're going to be back before New Year's." I sighed, but I still made no move to let him go. "I
know. It just sucks. We should be spending Christmas together. You
are more family to me than those fucking douchebags." "Likewise. But we both have to put in some time
to keep the monthly tuition payments coming." "Yeah." Finally I detached myself from him.
I felt silly for grabbing him like that, completely out of the blue.
I dropped my hand on the top of his head and ruffled his already tousled
hair, in a strained attempt to appear casual. "You know what?
The two of us are going to fucking party this New Year's Eve, it's
going to be awesome!" My friend rolled his eyes. "Oh, joy." "I'm serious, man! My parents will still be at
the Ranch, I have the house all to myself. I'd be violating the laws
of the universe if I didn't throw a party." "Wow, the laws of the universe?" He wondered
sarcastically, raising his eyebrows. "That sounds serious. I
suppose you have no choice then." "Exactly." I walked back to the doorway and
picked up my bag. "New Year's dude, woohoo!" I shut the
door behind me and hurried across campus to the underground metro
station just outside the gates. I glanced at my watch and sped my
pace, I wasn't behind schedule, yet, but I wanted to make sure I'd
have time left at the airport to stock up on duty-free chocolate and
candy. The only legal way I could make it through that week: being
on a constant sugar-high. The underground train took a detour through the tunnels
under the city, so it took a little longer to get to the airport than
if I had taken a cab, but it's much less of a hassle than calling
and arranging a cab, they're not exactly parked by the door waiting
for customers, like they are at the airport. I checked in for my flight to Texas and was left with
plenty of time to scour the duty-free stores and gather up a selection
of unhealthy treats. I made sure to buy more than I knew I could stomach.
Tootsie rolls at the Maxwell Ranch family reunion were like cigarettes
in prison; useful for bribery. Although I didn't so much have to deal
with seasoned criminals who have nothing lose, as the minions of evil
themselves; my young cousins whose favorite holiday past-time was
"The nutcracker," which had nothing to do with toys coming
to life and breaking out in dance routines. When it was time I boarded my plane with appropriate
apprehension – not so much for the flight but for my destination
– and endured the relatively short flight in coach. Upon arrival in Texas I didn't have to wait for my luggage,
my duffel bag had been small enough to bring with me as a carry-on.
I struggled through the crowd of people coming and going to spend
the holidays with the relatives. I nearly passed by a group of drivers
in suits with silly caps on, holding up names, until I noticed "Maxwell"
was scribbled on the board one of them was holding. A little hesitant I backtracked to the group of men
in black and asked the one holding my surname in black on white: "Hi.
Are you here for me?" "I don't think so, young man," he eyed me
up and down distastefully. "I am here for a miss Lillith Maxwell." Fuck, that was my aunt. "Oh, never mind then,"
I said hurriedly and moved to rush away before I could be spotted.
Unfortunately, before I could escape my name was already being screeched. "Duo! While I live and breathe! The rebellious
son!" A flurry of white blonde hair and fur approached me pulled
me into a tight embrace. "Keep up, nanny!" Aunt Lillith screamed while
her mouth was still dangerously close to my ear. I broke free of the embrace and watched a flustered
young woman approach us, a struggling child on each arm. The twins,
Maximilian and Montgomery. I forced on a smile. "Hey, Max. Monty." "It's Maximilian." "And Montgomery." They each corrected me. "We're not little children anymore," One started. "You have to address us by our proper names,"
The other added. Honestly I couldn't tell which one was which. "Or call us mister Maxwell." They grinned in unison. I snorted. "Yeah… No." I looked at the
attractive young woman, about my age. I pitied her, these guys were
a handful. "I'm Duo." I didn't bother reaching out my hand
for a formal introduction, she had to keep a tight grip on both midgets. "Helena," She breathed, exhausted. I was offered to ride along in the stretched limousine.
I accepted only because I expected it would be a tedious challenge
to find a cab given the holiday crowd and the worsening weather, not
to mention the expenses. Following a trying one-hour-drive, the limousine passed
through the front gate and crawled down the mile long driveway to
drop us off at the courtyard of the U-shaped stone mansion. The double
front doors were adorned with Christmas decorations and small lights
were painstakingly affixed to the bald branches of the two trees flanking
the entrance. In the grand foyer my parents appeared to greet aunt
Lillith and her sons. Their surprised eyes settled on me. "Hey," I greeted sheepishly. "You have
every right to be surprised. You sent a car for your sister but not
for your own son? It would have taken me hours to get here if I hadn't
happened along aunt Lillith." "Well, excuse me. But I was under the impression
that my independent son could handle things all by himself. In fact,
I remember him insisting on it." My father – imposing with
his tall frame and power suit – argued. My mother sighed, frustrated that me and my father were
already starting in on each other. "If you are going to force me to come here, you
could at least bother to make sure that I would actually get here." "Oh, what are you two going on about?" My
aunt interrupted. "Everything worked out fine, didn't it?" My mother touched my father's arm insistently and that
was the end of it. The butler showed Lillith and her offspring to
their rooms, whilst carrying their heavy luggage and my mother accompanied
me upstairs to my room. "I had the maid clean it up. I hope you don't mind,"
she said, trailing behind me as we headed down the corridor to my
room at the far end. "It's fine. There's nothing here anyway."
I opened the door to the bedroom and paused for a moment. Just like
my room at the mansion back at home it was a large but impersonal
space. I felt no connection to either, those rooms were not my home.
Those double beds were not my beds. My bed was a bunk bed. My home
was a dorm room. My family was Heero. I dumped my bag on the queen-sized bed, disturbing the
neat, white silk sheets. "She came across some old things. I wasn't sure
if you would want to keep any of it, but I couldn't very well have
her throw it out." She nodded at a box on the desk. I approached it and looked down with dull eyes. Old
drawing. Pictures. A ratty stuffed animal – a penguin. I touched
it briefly, it's soft fur felt familiar. I had carried the damn thing
around for years, I loved it and, as a young child growing up with
distant parents and disinterested nannies, I believed it was the only
thing in the world that loved me back. I remembered being very upset
when we came home after spending Christmas here and I realized I had
forgotten "Pepe." I begged for my father to find a way to
bring him home, but my father said it was for the better that I had
finally been separated from "that thing." He went to Texas
several times that year, but never came home with Pepe. When Christmas
finally came around again I searched everywhere, but I couldn't find
him. It was so silly – it was only a stuffed animal – but
it was a changing moment for me. I was only eight years old. "How is school going?" My mother tried, jostling
me awake. "Fine." "That's good." She straightened her skirt
nervously. We didn't do this much; talking. "And how is your
friend doing?" "Great." "Is he still seeing that Sally girl? She seemed
very nice." I stilled. She was talking about WuFei. And of course
she was. The last time we had made an equally pathetic attempt at
a normal conversation WuFei was still my best friend and Heero was
nothing but a passing annoyance that I probably didn't even mention
by name, if at all. "Yeah, he is still with Sally." Even
though there was no way for me to be certain, I felt pretty confident
that I was speaking the truth. WuFei was very seriously involved with
her. He was devoted to her. And they made a great couple. "And how are his studies going?" "Good." I felt I could safely make that claim
as well. I didn't want her to know the truth, that I hadn't seen him
in over a year. I didn't want to get into our whole falling-out. Making
it through the week was going to be difficult enough without my father
knowing that I had cut ties with "the only positive influence
in my life." Of course my father approved of WuFei, in spite
of the racial differences that were an obstacle for my father, WuFei
was studying to be a doctor – "a respectable position"
– and more importantly: he was following in his father's footsteps. "Do you want me to ask the maid to throw that box
out?" "No," I said with a sigh. "I'll see first
what I can fit in my bag and take home with me." "So it was a good thing then that I hadn't had
her take it out right away?" I looked back at her and offered her a smile. "Yeah.
It was a good thing." My mother wasn't a bad person, she just never got into
the 'mom-role' like most women do after carrying a child and giving
birth to it. It wasn't a secret to me that she had never wanted children
to begin with, she was career-oriented, like my father, which is probably
what attracted them to each other. She never welcomed the reassignment
from business woman to mother and thus she never welcomed me; was
never interested in me; never got to know me. As a result she never
knew what to do when she was expected to act like a mother or make
decisions like one. But I preferred her uncertainty to my father's
approach to parenting. He didn't know what the Hell he was supposed
to do or be as a dad either, so he just fully committed himself to
treating me the only way he knew how: like businessman whom he couldn't
trust, had to be harsh with and had to intimidate and manipulate to
achieve his own goals. "You can take some time to rest," My mother
interrupted my train of thoughts, "dinner is served at seven."
She excused herself and closed the door behind her. I walked over to the big bed and fell backwards onto
the mattress. I retrieved my phone from my pocket and noticed I had
a text message from Heero. "Arrive okay?" I smiled at the succinct message. I pocketed my phone
again. I wasn't going to answer him. He wouldn't be worried if I didn't
answer. I couldn't answer any of his messages that week, especially
after Christmas Eve, once he had opened the present. Honestly I doubted
whether Heero could hold out so long. Like he said, if he was curious
about something, he had to find the answer. He hated not knowing.
He wanted to know everything. That attitude was exactly why I dared
to hope that my plan would work. He had to open that present and once
he had, he had to find out; he would have to find the answer to the
wordless question it posed. At least, that is what I hoped. And I
had to be far away and out of reach so he wouldn't have to think of
me and just be free to give into his curiosity. Of course it could all blow up in my face. That was more likely. But I enjoyed the idea while it was allowed to last.
Just another strategy to keep myself entertained and sane during the
holiday festivities. And if shit did hit the fan I had my back-up
plan of claiming it was only a gag-gift. That night I got another text from Heero, clearly alerting
me that he hadn't followed my instructions and had not been able to
resist unwrapping the present until Christmas Eve. Even though the
message included inventive insults, I couldn't help but laugh, as
well as be amused by the fact that even a brilliant and serious young
man like Heero couldn't wait to open a present. It was that child-like
quality of his that occasionally shone through because he never got
to be a child – act like one – when he actually was one.
Much like myself. It was rather endearing. I left that message purposefully unanswered as well
and surrendered to the horror of the following week. After a few very long days it was finally Christmas
Eve, the main event. During the course of the day more relatives and
business associates had arrived. The mansion was filled with heated
arguments, drunken laughter and screaming children. By then I had been bitten in the leg two times, kicked
in the groin six times and had my braid pulled countless times. I
had sat down on a whoopi-pillow once, was ratted out two times, had
lies told about me five times, had to chase a screeching kid around
the house six times and had had every word I said copied so often
and for so long, I had had long inner debates on which would be the
best solution: homicide or suicide. Still, none of that compared to the festering rage I
experienced whenever my father addressed me. He constantly criticized
me, questioned the value of education and patronized me. When there
were people around, he just found a cunning way to hide his insults
in scathing mockery that amused everyone but me. Christmas Eve was much of the same torture, only then
it was intercut by the children unwrapping the first of the obscene
amount of presents their parents had got them in the name of Santa.
There was nothing under the Christmas tree for me, but I didn't expect
there to be. I couldn't even remember the last time my parents had
gotten me a gift for Christmas, it always seemed so redundant to them,
as they never pretended Santa existed for me. I was the little angry
kid running around the schoolyard telling the others that Santa wasn't
real. I wondered, then, what Christmas would have been like
if the pregnancy Hilde had made me believe in had been real. My heart
ached slightly. I imagined it to have been more idyllic than it could
possibly have been, no doubt, but somehow I believed that it still
would have been a better Christmas than it was now, at least then
I wouldn't have had to come here, since my dad was in the process
of disowning me when I shared the news of the pregnancy with him and
my mother, before it turned out to be a lie. "So you do like kids," Helena, Max and Monty's
nanny, observed. "It didn't seem like it these past days." I shrugged. "I don't dislike kids in general. I
just really hate this bunch." I grinned at her. "Miss Maxwell told me your ex-girlfriend pulled
a fake pregnancy on you." I blinked, eyeing her suspiciously. We had shared polite,
superficial conversations since we both arrived, the depth of the
subject came out of the blue. Not to mention she had practically read
my mind. "She did, huh?" "She likes to talk." She rolled her eyes. "That's for sure." Aunt Lilleth was a real
chatty-mouth when she was drunk and since she was drunk all the time
more secrets were spilt than this family wanted to admit. "Are you seeing anyone now?" Wow, not the most subtle of approaches, I mused. "Uh,
no. Well… No… I guess." "You guess?" I shook my head. "No, definitely no." I laughed
at myself. "You sure had to think about that for a long time,"
She observed, amused. "It's complicated." "Oh, I get it," She smirked knowingly. "You
like someone but you haven't worked up the courage to admit it yet." "No! No, that's not it at all!" I reacted
defensively, startling her with my suddenly raised voice. "Okay… Then what makes it complicated?" "It's sort of a friends-with-benefits deal." "Oh… She must be quite the friend." I contained my laughter as this 'friends-with-benefits
deal' was nothing like what she must imagining it to be. A quiet settled
between us and I returned my focus to the surroundings, my eyes glancing
from the children nursing their dolls to the adults nursing their
drinks. "Look," Helena started, "Please don't
judge me for saying this, but we are both not having the best of times
and it's not going to get any better. Maybe we can… entertain
each other a little. Stress relief. Like, uh… acquaintances-with-benefits?" I was perplexed at her suggestion and I could tell she
was already starting to regret what she had said. Trying not to make
her feel more self-conscious than she clearly already did, I said:
"This deal I have with my friend is sort of exclusive. We agreed
that we wouldn't… you know?" "Oh." She chuckled nervously, relieved. "Oh
God, I don't even know why I suggested it. I honestly think I'm losing
my mind taking care of those kids and taking care of Lilleth as well.
It makes me so anxious all the time. I'm in such dire need for normal
contact that I've stopped being normal… Sorry, I don't mean to
insult your aunt…" I shook my head and smiled at her. "Don't worry
about it, I know she is a handful. And those kids are like… Apocalypse
Now. You would be right to quit. She recycles nannies like newspapers,
that is why she stopped bothering to learn their names and just calls
them 'nanny'." Helena nodded. "Yeah, but she pays better than
the other families I worked for did. I just have to stick it out a
few more weeks, then I go back home, to Spain. Be with my own family
finally, take care of them." I instantly thought of Heero. He was going back home
soon too, to take care of his family; his grandmother at least. "Are you thinking about your friend?" Helena
inquired, a bemused look in her eyes. "Yeah…" I replied distantly, then I scraped
my throat. "Yes. Yes. How could you tell?" "You had this far-off look in your eyes all of
a sudden, I just thought…" She smiled. Straightening in my seat at the mysterious look in her
eyes, I demanded curiously: "What?" "I was thinking that you guys must be really close
to make the leap to friends with benefits-" "We're best friends," I informed her. "Wow. Best friends. That is indeed complicated,
as you said. But probably even more so than you realize." "Oh?" "Being best friends, you obviously really like
each other, you care about each other." "Sure." "And you are having sex with each other, exclusively." At her stretching pause I realized her words must have
meant something to me, but I wasn't getting it. She laughed at my confused expression. "So basically
you are in an exclusive sexual relationship with someone you care
about deeply – you might even say you love her. How is that different
from a romantic relationship?" I stared at her until my gaze absentmindedly drifted
towards thin air. "Nooo. No, it's not like that at all. Trust
me, we have, uh, 'insurance' against that. We like each other. We
love each other, even. But there is no way we can be in love with
each other. And that is what separates it from a romantic relationship." "Alright." "I mean it." "Sure." "Seriously!" Admittedly I was a little annoyed
that I couldn't convince her that there was no romantic aspect to
it. I didn't even know why her opinion mattered to me, I barely knew
her and she didn't know a thing about my relationship with Heero.
Hell, she thought Heero was a girl. Grumbling under my breath I dropped
the issue. The silence became awkward and I disliked the tension in
the atmosphere. Helena was pretty much the only normal person around
and now my connection with her had been ruined. She was, as of then,
yet another person I felt awkward around. I excused myself and headed for the punch bowl. Aunt
Lilleth had made it so I could count on the concoction to be plenty
strong to take the edge off. Lingering at the buffet, picking at the
haute-cuisine selection with a distasteful expression my ears caught
the sound of my father's booming voice, entertaining a group of men
by the fireplace. "You know that with my connections I could have
gotten him into any business school program – at Yale, at Harvard,
at Brown, you name it – but no, he wants to become an artist,"
He laughed condescendingly and the others joined in. "When that
pipedream fell through he still couldn't be persuaded in favor of
a respectable career, nono, mister Artist deferred to studying architecture
at some no-name institute." I took a big gulp, but morbid fascination and curiosity
kept me from walking away. I continued to listen. "I honestly always thought he was better than that,
smarter than that. Now I know better. Just last year he got scammed
by some lower-class girl who pretended to be pregnant with his baby!
He bought it hook, line and sinker! He was going to drop out, become
a dad, make a family! Clearly the boy doesn't have a clue of what
is good for him and where he should go with his life." Nothing he said surprised me to hear, I knew what he
thought of me. It was so predictable it didn't even make me angry
anymore, I only felt that throbbing emptiness. I refilled my glass
and snuck upstairs. Sitting on the edge of the bed, in an empty room, drinking
pink punch, on Christmas Eve made me feel incredibly alone and pathetic.
I wished I could call Heero, but that would interfere with my plan.
Wallowing in self-pity I got Pepe out of the box and carefully arranged
the limp figure next to me on the bed in a sitting position. His presence
didn't provide me with the same comfort that he used to when I was
a young child. He was nothing but stuffing and fabric and one plastic
eye. Slowly he started slouching forward until he eventually fell
to the carpeted floor with a soft thud. I got up, kicked open my duffel bag on the floor and
started packing my things into it, including Pepe and the other contents
of the box. I couldn't stay any longer. If I could manage to get a
flight back home that night I could still spend Christmas Day with
Heero. I didn't care about "the plan" anymore, I needed
to be with my friend. I needed to be with my true family. A soft knock on the door interrupted me as I busily
stuffed my clothing into the bag. "Come in." The door opened and my mother appeared in the doorframe.
"You're packing," She observed monotonously. "Yeah. It's for the better." She didn't argue with that. "Before you leave,
I wanted to give you this." She held out her hand and presented
me with a small gift, wrapped neatly in bronze wrapping paper and
a deep red bow. "You don't have to do that." "Good thing then that I want to." In an attempt
to act motherly she sat down on the bed and invited me to sit down
next to her. I sat down and took a deep breath. I was tired and I
was eager to leave. "I know that your relationship with us has been
strained." I snorted at the understatement. She bit back a sneer and continued calmly: "I know
that your father and I aren't good parents. We never learned how to
become parents to you, for some reason, it never took. We never figured
out how to interact with a young child; how to communicate, how to
be gentle and loving. Your father and I aren't wired that way. I know
that… we have been disappointing parents-" "Well, I'm a disappointing son, so it all evens
out." "Duo, please." "Sorry." "What I wanted to say is that now that you are
adult – and with the way you handled yourself during that crisis
last year I do definitely see that you are an adult – I was hoping
the three of us could try to mend things between us. That is what
I wanted this gift to represent; a new start." I was speechless. I accepted the present that was offered
to me and after a final, hesitant glance, I pulled at the bow and
tore away the paper. Inside was a black leather box with golden lettering
that read "Breitling for Bentley Motors". I opened the hinged
lid to reveal an expensive looking wristwatch. It was a big, ostentatious
looking thing. I was disappointed. For some silly reason I had dared
to hope she would blow me away with a personal gift, something meaningful.
I realized she was trying, to the best of her abilities, but I didn't
want a gold watch and for her to think otherwise made me ache inside.
This wasn't a new start for me, this was same old, same old. "Your father swears by this brand." I started shaking my head. "You can even dive with it to a depth of 100 meters." "I don't dive!" I suddenly burst, startling
her. "I don't dive! I hate swimming! I hate the water! I'm only
ever going to find myself at a depth of 100 meters if I fall off a
ferry and sink to the bottom because of this big, heavy thing!" "Duo…" "You say you want the three of us to mend things
between us? Half an hour ago dad was downstairs telling his brothers
and his friends how fucking dumb I am! What? Did he change his mind
in the last thirty minutes? Does he want to 'mend things' now?"
I snapped the lid of the box shut and held it out to her. "I
don't want this." "Duo, I know it's only a small gesture, a small
step, but I want you to have it. I want us to start moving forward." "No, you want to buy my affection. You want to
buy away your guilt for neglecting me." "I want to share my wealth with my son. I don't
know how else to convince you that I want to be there for you." I snorted. "It's bad enough already that I need
you to pay for college tuition. Do you know how often I contemplated
dropping out just so I would be free from you and dad?" "Oh, Duo, please promise me you will never do that.
I want you to finish school. I want you to be happy." "Then why didn't you ever stand up for me against
dad? When he was yelling at me, when he locked me up in the closet,
when he hit me, even now when he is constantly insulting me?" She didn't say anything. "Well?" "Because I didn't know any better! Of course I
felt bad about how your father treated you when you were a child,
but I had no idea how we were supposed to raise a child. You could
be really difficult and I didn't know how to handle that!" I jumped to my feet. "Difficult? Difficult?"
I laughed bitterly. "You mean when I came to you in the middle
of the night in tears, when I had had a bad dream? Or when I was afraid
to go to school because the boys bullied me for being different, for
being artsy and bad at sports?" She bit her lip. "Just be honest! You and dad thought I was a whiny
cry-baby and you couldn't stand it. You let dad bully me too so maybe
I'd toughen up and stop being such a whiner." "I already admitted to being a bad mother!"
She bit back. "You weren't a bad mother. You couldn't be. Because
you are not a mother. You were never there, you never cared. I don't
think you have ever even given me a hug. You just handed me off to
shrinks and nannies." I waved my arms dramatically. "I'm
done. I'm so done. Excuse me, I have to make a call to book a flight
back home." I promptly stomped out of the room. I called to check for available seats on the next flight
out and booked a ticket, then I gave myself some time to cool down
– literally – on the snowy back terrace of the house. As
the fluster of rage left my body I started to regret my emotional
outburst. She couldn't have picked a worse timing, the past couple
of days had been hard on me, I felt drained, and having my father
make jokes about me like that, confirming what I already suspected,
it was like being kicked when I was already down on the ground. On
top of that, in spite of everything, my expectations had been too
high. When goosebumps started to appear on my skin and my
body started to shiver I went back inside. I peered around a corner
into the formal living room and saw my mother had rejoined the festivities.
I was tempted to make my way through the crowd and apologize to her,
but I didn't. I needed a little more time to regain my composure and
I knew that as soon as I would step into view my father would instantly
start pushing all the wrong buttons. It was better for me to make
a stealthy departure. I collected my bag upstairs and made a final sweep through
the room to make sure I didn't forget anything. When I was satisfied
I was ready to leave, I headed back down stairs, slipped into my coat
and stepped outside right as the taxi I had called for drove up. The
ride was going to cost me a fortune but I didn't have any other choice. At the airport I found myself a seat at the bar and
ordered a strong drink. "Merry Christmas," The bartender said as he
handed me the glass. "Does it look like it?" I challenged sarcastically. He shrugged and walked off to tend to another customer. As I waited for my flight to start boarding I expected
someone would have noticed my absence at the party and tried to contact
me on my cellphone. But there were no calls and the latest message
was the angry one from Heero dating a couple days back. I hoped that
he could put aside his anger at the trick I tried to pull on him and
be sympathetic to my personal issues, for the sake of Christmas. Delayed by an hour due to the snow, the plane finally
departed and I calculated that I would be home around 1 AM. At the airport back in my hometown I got into another
cab, as opposed to the underground train. Traveling by subway was
ill-advised at that hour of the night, even at Christmas. When I finally arrived at the gates of the university
dorm house grounds, I had made a significant dent in my savings, which
weren't much to begin with. I was the type of guy who went sailing
as soon as his ship came in, so to speak. And it wasn't as if working
at the on-campus bar was like a goldmine. All that money spent and what for? I could have stayed
here, with Heero, and actually have a decent Christmas and it wouldn't
have cost me anything. Now my wallet felt empty and my heart heavy. With my duffel bag slung over my slouched shoulder I
treaded across the grounds towards dorm building B. There were no
Christmas festivities on campus. Too many people went home for the
holidays to make hosting a party worth the trouble. Most of the dorms
were probably empty. Even Nash went home and he hated his dad too.
I supposed it was a universal thing; even if you can't stand your
family, you're still obliged to attend their Christmas parties. Heero might not even be home. He was forced to spend
Christmas Eve at his dad's and last time the man blackmailed him into
sleeping over so they could share Christmas Day morning as well. I wondered if all those much-hated dads actually meant
well. That they were all just misunderstood. They paid for our education
– even if they didn't agree with it -, they seemed to want to
spend time with us. And all these years, I thought to myself, even
though my father did not reunite me with my beloved Pepe, he didn't
throw him away either. He hid him somewhere. Was that supposed to mean anything to me? I didn't know. I entered the dorm building quietly and snuck upstairs.
In case someone – Heero – was home, I didn't want to wake
them up in the middle of the night. I slowly pushed the key into the
lock, trying to be as quiet as possible. I opened the door and as
the light from the hallway flooded into the tiny room I noticed a
blur of movement on Heero's lower bunk. "Duo?" A thick voice asked. Using my elbow I routinely flicked on the light and
stepped inside. "Hey." I wondered how long it would take
for him to start yelling at me regarding the gift I had given him. Heero lay on his back on his bed, his legs bent, knees
high up. He held his sheets, almost protectively, up to his chin.
"What are you doing back so soon?" He inquired. He appeared
a little flustered. "I wasn't expecting you until the twety-sixth." I dropped my bag and lowered myself onto one of the
desk chair, spinning around too face him. "I couldn't stay any
longer. My dad… Well, it's nothing you don't already know. Nothing
new." "Hmhm. And how was your flight?" He asked
hurriedly. I furrowed my eyebrows. Something was definitely up.
Why wasn't he attacking me about the present? And why did he seem
so nervous? "Uh… okay. Delayed a little, because of the
snow. How was your Christmas Eve?" "Fine. Don't you want to you take a shower of something?
Freshen up?" He was talking really fast. For some reason he wanted
me to leave the room. "Why?" "I just figured that since you've been traveling
for a while, you'd like to clean up a bit." In the brief silence before he started rattling on about
how nice it would be to take a warm shower, my ears picked up on a
faint noise; a soft buzzing. It was like an electric toothbrush, or
something, but quieter. "- I know that when I get off a plane I definitely
want to take a shower. Of course that's an international flight -
" Or something! My eyes widened with realization but I
took care to hide my reaction quickly. I let him ramble on for a little
while, quietly enjoying my perverse, self-satisfied thoughts whilst
suppressing a devilish grin. With my mischievous eyes focused on his
face I noticed the hint of sexual arousal he was experiencing in the
way his eyelids were slightly lowered, the relaxation in his brows
and that he never closed his mouth but rather kept his lips slightly
parted. "You should really go take a shower. You'll feel
better. And then we'll talk," He urged me. His fingers started
fidgeting with the hem of his sheets and his knees started to rub
together almost imperceptibly. "I figured you would want to talk to me right away
about the present I gave you," I stalled. The blush on his cheeks flared. "Oh, uh, I didn't
get a chance to open it yet." Kinky little liar, I thought. "Then why did you
send me that angry text message? I thought for sure you were angry
about the gift." "No. No. Hn." He bit his lips momentarily
as a moan threatened to slip out, but as the silence settled, once
again revealing the soft buzz, he made a face and elaborated –
at higher volume than usual to hide the background noise: "I
thought you had packed my MP3-player. That's what I was angry about.
I honestly don't know what the present was. Nnnn." I grinned and leaned forward. "What's wrong? Are
you in pain?" I recognized the expression on his features, I
had studied it often enough, secretly enjoying it. He was on the edge.
He was close. I had to lean forward to hide the growing bulge in my
lap. "No, I'm just tired. Let's go to bed. Go downstairs
and brush your teeth and get changed." "I was really hoping we could talk." "Talk?" He whimpered. "Yeah. I'm glad you haven't opened the present
yet. I think there is something we have to talk about first." "Oh? Ah." He squeezed his eyes shut but forced
them open again to look at me, keeping up pretenses. He was so distracted
that he didn't even realize I already knew what he was still trying
to hide so desperately. "I think we should really discuss this guilt you
feel about getting a present, because you can't afford to give a present
back." "Really? We need to talk about that now?"
He gritted through his teeth impatiently. "I think it's very important that we get to the
root of that issue. And if it takes all night, then we'll just talk
all night. All night long. The whole, entire night-" "Will you please just leave the room for one goddamned
second?!" He tightened his fists around the handfuls of sheets. "Why?" "Because I really need to do something!" I got up from the chair and slyly moved over to the
bed, sitting down on the very edge, watching Heero's eyes widening
at me coming closer. "Do you need to come?" I whispered
sensually. Heero's eyes narrowed but his glare was mostly ineffective
given the context. "You knew?! You knew! You fucking bastard!"
He relinquished the sheets to hit me but that gave me the opportunity
to yank the sheets away. I stared lustfully at the body that was revealed. Heero
was completely undressed, his skin glistening with a sheen of sweat,
the muscles in his abdomen and thighs tight, his erection curving
back against his stomach. He kept his legs bent at the knee, his thighs
firmly pressed together. There was no visible evidence, but I could
still hear it and it made me horny as hell. I maneuvered around to sit on the bed on my knees, allowing
me easier access to him. I enclosed my hand around his manhood and
started pumping slowly and sensually, while I leaned forward and began
to worship his chest with my tongue and lips. Heero groaned. His weak hands made a half-hearted attempt
to push me off him. "Don't. Stop, please." The following
moan contradicted his statement. "Don't worry, I won't stop," I said, purposefully
misconstruing his words. "I know you don't want me to stop."' He buried his hands in his thick hair and threw his
head back. My body was on fire. I couldn't recall ever being that
aroused. My every nerve yearned to be stimulated by him. On a dare
my lips caught a nipple and I started to suckle on it. Suddenly one
of his hands was buried in my hair. I dreaded he was going to twist
his fingers into the strands and pull me up, but he didn't. He moaned
loudly, completely lost to the sensations. Normally he wouldn't have
allowed me to take liberties like that, but he had already been close
before I even came into the room. My present had a strong effect on
him. I enjoyed reaping the benefits of it. I moved my hand down to his balls, rubbing my palm over
them. I stretched forward for my mouth to reach his ear and I whispered
demandingly: "Open your legs." He turned his head to look at me defiantly, but slowly
his expression started to soften, until eventually he had a look of
acceptance about him, and trust. I continued to look him in the eye as I felt him spread
his legs. Without breaking eye-contact I slipped my hand down between
his thighs until my fingers encountered the hard plastic of the end
of the vibrator sticking out of him. At the small movement Heero closed his eyes and turned
his head away with an embarrassed moan. I crawled back down his body to sit between his legs.
Heero groaned in displeasure at being so exposed, but the sounds he
made soon turned more favorable when I started slowly pulling the
happily humming vibrator out of him and then pushing it back inside,
while simultaneously stroking his dick. "I take it you like your present?" I inquired
with a grin. "Fuck you." I let out a single, hearty laugh, then redirected my
focus to what I was doing. The vibrator was modestly sized, certainly not nearly
as big as I was, but the guy at the sex-toy shop assured me that a
smaller model would be better suited for first time users. He was
very helpful and informative. I supposed I ought to have been mortified,
but instead I was turned on by the very idea, inspired by a picture
in the porn magazine of a girl pleasuring herself with a dildo, albeit
considerably larger in size than the vibrator that had been recommended
to me. I had hoped that after the initial repulsion that Heero
would have no doubt experienced upon opening the present, his innate
curiosity would get the better of him and the privacy that he had
– with me being away for the week – would allow him to explore
without feeling pressured or embarrassed. But I had always recognized
the chances of success were slim. Even if he did use the toy and even
if he did enjoy it, I took into account the likelihood that he simply
would never tell me about it. So things turned out pretty great. Merciful as I was – insert laughter here –
I leaned forward and took Heero's dick into my mouth, sucking on him
in the same rhythm in which I was moving the toy inside him. Rather
than using my free hand to offer myself some minor relief, I placed
it on his abdomen, relishing in the slick feel of his skin and the
tensing of the strong muscles underneath as his climax drew nearer. I loved it, I realized. I loved sucking his dick, but
that was no real epiphany, that had occurred to me a number of weeks
ago. I loved giving him this pleasure. This new, intense and intimate
kind of pleasure, more intimate even than giving him a handjob or
a blowjob. And I loved that he enjoyed it as much as he seemed to,
that opened up enticing possibilities that made my cock pulse within
the confines of my slacks. I moaned around his erection and that was
the last push required. With a yelp and his hands seeking purchase in my hair,
he climaxed, his back arching high off the bed. I could tell he tightened
around the vibrator that was as deep inside him as it could be, I
could hardly move it anymore. I struggled to swallow all of the come that was produced
by his powerful orgasm, some escaped through the corner of my mouth. "Ah, I see I can make a religious man out of you
yet," I jested and I wiped away the semen on my chin with my
sleeve. "Shut up," He breathed. "Please take
that thing out of me." "Why? Could you come again if I didn't?" "No. And trust me, I've tried." I grinned. Heeding his request I carefully pulled the
toy out of him, twisting the end to turn it off and placed it on the
bed. I knew the sheets would get dirty, but laundry wasn't my concern
at that moment. He sat upright and scooted back to the headboard. He
picked up a bundle of fabric by his pillow that turned out to be his
shirt and put it on. It was long enough to cover his groin as well.
His pajama bottoms were not within reach, so he didn't bother with
them. "I hope this means you're not angry anymore for
giving you this present?" I asked, referring to the death threats
he had sent me earlier. "Alright," I started with a shrug. "You
want me to go through something embarrassing, to even the score?" He thought it over briefly. "I do. Yeah." "Fine. I want to have sex with you. And not just
now, but in general. I've wanted it for a while. And right now I want
it really bad. I don't know why, I just do. Jesus, Heero, look at
me. I'm fucking rock hard!" Heero stared. "I want to have sex with you," I repeated
for shock-value. "Embarrassing enough? Are we even?" "No," He said decisively. "No?" "No. Because I want to have sex with you too,"
He admitted angrily. My eyes widened. Even with what had just happened, I
hadn't expected him to admit to that, I hadn't even dared to hope
that he would actually want it, not so soon at least. "I want you to fuck me, okay? That's what you wanted
to hear right? That's what you wanted to accomplish with that gift,
right? Well, fucking congratulations are in order. I like it!"
He made big, angry gestures with his arms. "I've used that goddamned
thing so many times since I first gave into my curiosity I'm surprised
I haven't worn it down to a nub by now!" His enraged rant reduced
him to labored pants. His face was flustered. His eyes were stern. In a flash I was on top of him, pushing his legs apart
so I could settle between them and raising his shirt up to his collarbone
to expose his body once more. My hands started touching; greedily,
eagerly. But I was careful not to give into the urge to kiss him on
his lips, instead I latched my mouth onto his neck, suckling on the
sweaty skin. I paused my ministrations long enough to take off my
shirt. He allowed it momentarily, probably because he was in shock, but soon his hands were against my chest and he was pushing me away. "What are you doing?" "I'm going to fuck you." "What?!" He pushed me away so hard I rolled
off the bed. "It's what you want, you said it yourself! It's
what we both want!" I argued, a little bitter at being faced
with rejection. "Are you crazy? Just because we both want to, doesn't
mean that we should!" He gathered his sheets into his lap to
protect his modesty. "I think oral sex is plenty beneficial." "Oh yeah? Than why did I come home to find you
with that thing up your ass?" "Shut up!" He yelled hoarsely. "No!" I argued childishly, crossing my arms
in front of my chest defiantly. "Look, I'd get it if you hadn't
liked it. If you hadn't liked it I would have dropped it. I tried
a bit myself, with my fingers and I wasn't into it and I sure wouldn't
appreciate having to end up 'taking it' anyway, so I wouldn't force
myself on you. But you said yourself that you liked and I have certainly
never seen you come so powerfully." "So you like it? What the fuck is wrong with that?
It's just stimulation. From what that guy at the sex shop told me
I'm actually the freak for not liking it." "Ohhh, why are you still talking?" Heero mumbled
into his palms. "Why are you so embarrassed?" He shot a glare at me. "Why? Why?! Maybe because
I let my best friend fuck me with a vibrator? How's that for a reason?" "Yeah and then you came into my mouth and I loved
that." "We're not gay, Duo," My best friend stated
definitively. "I didn't say we were!" "I'm afraid it's going to ruin our friendship." "You said the same thing about handjobs and blowjobs.
But we've been doing that for weeks now and we're still fine. Right?" "Right." He sighed and looked down. "But
you can't honestly believe that it's going to be easy to just have
sex with other on the side. I'm afraid… I'm afraid I won't be
able to look you in the eye anymore." He let out a nervous chuckle.
"I can barely look at you now." My heart clenched painfully. "I don't want that."
I scooted a little closer to him. "Look, for what it's worth,
you don't have to be embarrassed. I'm not judging you. In fact, I
thought it was really hot, the way you enjoyed it." His cheekbones flared a bright red. "You're not
helping." "Sorry." Finally his eyes met mine again. He could probably tell
that I was disappointed, but rather than judging me or distrusting
me, he offered: "We can keep doing blowjobs. That was fun right?" I couldn't help but smile. "Yeah." He nodded and smiled back at me shyly. I ran my hands through my hair and let out a long sigh.
My entire body deflated, exhaustion catching up with me. "I'm
sorry about the lousy Christmas gift…" I apologized sincerely.
"Especially since you were so excited about it before." "Don't be. I liked it." "Maybe we can incorporate it next time?" I
wondered, hopeful. He made a face. "It's probably better if we forget
about the thing altogether. In fact, I planned to get rid of it before
you came home. I still plan to get rid of it. I don't think it's a
good idea to get too… attached to it." "You're probably right." "I usually am." He smirked. A weight was lifted off my shoulders at his lighthearted
remark, even though I could tell he still had trouble maintaining
eye-contact, his cheeks still tinted with a red hue. "I think
I'm going to take that shower now. A cold one." "Would you rather I-" Knowing what he was offering I shook my head. "No
thanks, I'm tired. And I do like taking a shower after getting off
an airplane." I winked at him. I got some clean clothes from
the closet and snuck back downstairs. Underneath the spray of water
the events of the night replayed in my head and I had the turn the
water colder and colder still to keep my body under control. I didn't share Heero reserves regarding sexual intercourse
between us. I figured that was because he was faced with being the
bottom. I didn't find that position appealing either and I couldn't
imagine myself accepting that role, even as I realized how incredibly
hypocritical that was of me. The possibility that it was more than
role assignment that caused these differing opinions – willing
and not-willing – between us nagged at me. After all, Heero had
already admitted that he enjoyed that kind of stimulation – and
I had already been witness to that, part of that even. There was something
holding him back from taking that final leap, something that I didn't
experience. That was slightly disconcerting. Ex-girlfriends had oftentimes
accused me of being a sex-fiend. Maybe they were right. Clearly there
had to be something off in my brain for me to be this okay with the
thought of having sex with my male best friend, regardless of positions.
I should feel reservations, but I didn't. They were in my head, sure,
like words being read off a clinical text, words that never hold any
meaning, even though they were correct. What I felt was not what those
words were saying. What I felt was my heart thudding, making my chest
feel full, making me feel alive. What I felt were the tips of my fingers
tingling. What I felt were shivers running down my spine. What I felt
was my dick growing hard as a need expanded within me, a need to touch
him, a need to be inside him in every sense of the word. I had to be crazy. "Or bi," I joked to myself. My body froze under the cold spray. ---------
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