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"Warheads"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: Post War, angst, fluff, psychological
issues, lemon Pairings: 2x1 Summary: Duo and Heero try to become more than
comrades in their attempt to be normal young men. They settle down
but find that peacetime is difficult to adjust to and with only each
other to rely on, it is a struggle, especially for Heero. " Warheads "
I walked home in my black sweatpants and grey Tampa High shirt after picking up my bag of clothes at the lost & found desk, a small room tucked away in a dark corner of the school. For the first time in a long time, my own inner voice kept quiet in my head and it left an almost eerie calm. I had decided to skip the rest of the school day based on my own dazed state. I felt disconnected with my own body, numb after hurting inside for so long. It was still early in the day. Heero wouldn't be home for many more hours and I wondered how I was ever going to span that distance of time. I toyed with the idea of promptly visiting him at work, unannounced, but I didn't think he would appreciate that, let alone make him more receptive to, or more comfortable with what I had to say to him. Half an our into a tel-sell program for a new diet pill, a quiet mumble started questioning in my head: How to tell him? I didn't have a clue. I found it hard to think. After the emotional rollercoaster of the day I just wanted to rest, sleep even. I decided there would be no harm in taking a short nap. I was fast asleep before my head hit the pillow. My dream was vivid. I hardly ever dreamt and sometimes questioned my own ability to get lost in the subconscious realm, but I found myself layers deep into a twisted universe that made absolutely no sense. I was in a large, museum like building, with big rooms and doorways, every room opened up to a multitude of other and the walls were painted in faded shades of bright colors, dirty and depressing in their lost vividness. Even though I was aware of my dream state, everything felt so real. When I saw Heero pass in front of one of the doorways, I felt a pang of fear of losing him in the labyrinth of oversized rooms. I called out his name, but my voice was captured by the walls and echoed back to me. I hastily made my way out of the room and looked around the corner, into the direction I had seen Heero go. I was just in time to watch him round another corner. I chased after him. Every time I looked around a corner, I saw Heero disappearing through a doorway. "Heero!" I called again. My own voice couldn't exit the room, but his laughter resounded back to me. Though caught in a lucid dream, it didn't occur to me how alien it was for Heero to laugh. I continued to chase him desperately as we went further and further inside the maze and the rooms and doorways started to shrink. My heart was beating with anxiety when the size of the doorways had been reduced so significantly I had to duck my head to pass through. I suddenly became aware of the fact that someone had been closely shadowing me all this time, but I didn't look back to see who it was, happy and safe to have whoever or whatever it was with me. A comforting presence that was just always there, underrated in it's significance. "Heero!" I yelled when I just saw him crawl through a small doorway. He laughed again, loud and carefree. I got down on my hands and knees and crawled through the doorway. When I rose to my feet on the other side I noticed the ceiling was high again and the room large, but it was a dead end. The far wall had a massive appearance, built up from large, heavy bricks, not covered by plaster and faded paint like the other's. It was gritty and rough. A single brick had been taken out, lying on the floor. The hole it left in the wall was big enough for Heero to have wormed through, but when I approached it, the hole shrunk. Every brick seemed to shrink, but the wall remained as tall and broad as it had been. By the time I reached it, the bricks had been reduced to a regular size. I peeked through the tiny gap, but it was dark on the other side, when I called through the hole, my voice echoed louder than ever before. No one answered me. I laid a hand over the brick at my knee. "Put it back." Sounded the deep voice of my follower. I turned my head to look at Heero, with a familiar, blank expression. He gestured at the brick as I lifted it off the ground. "Put it back." He repeated seriously. I frowned at him, concerned. "But," I started, looking back at the black hole, "you're in there, I have to get you. I have to get you out." The illogic of what I was saying didn't register to my dream self. "No. Put it back. You're not supposed to look inside there." "Why not?" "There's nothing there." "You're in there." "No. I'm right here." "No," I refused, "You went in there. The laughing you. It's where you've gone. It's where you've always been. Inside, I have to rescue you! I have to get you out!" "No." The blank, monotone Heero said. "There is nothing in there. You will have to make do with me." "But..." My voice did little to conceal my disappointment. "Duo." With a jolt and a wild leap of my heart I was back in my bed. The room had gone dark around me, except for the beam of light, coming through the open door, in which I spotted Heero's silhouette, by my bed, bending over me. He pulled his hand back from my shoulder. "Dinner is here." He said with an unusually gentle voice. "Here?" My mind had trouble keeping up as it kept being drawn back into the dream. "Yes, I ordered pizza." I stared at him, he casually looked back at me. "You hate pizza." I stated, propping myself up on my elbows. "You like it." He straightened up and walked out of the bedroom. I let myself drop back onto the bed and rubbed my tired eyes and throbbing temples with trembling hands. The implication of the dream made me feel so guilty. I wondered, fearfully, if it reflected the truth. Had I really been chasing something that isn't there? A happy, laughing Heero, accepting of love and romance. Chasing a dream within reality while the real Heero has been by my side all this time? Maybe all that I have been doing was not helping him, but rather, making him feel like he wasn't good enough the way he was... More guilt crippled me and made me feel sick. He was good enough. He was too good... It's just a dream, Maxwell, I told myself, climbing out of bed with effort. Still in my gym clothes I shuffled to the living room. Heero was sitting on the couch, the TV was set to the Sci-fi channel, one of my favorites. My pizza of choice, anything and everything topping, was in a box on the table by his plain pizza. With a sigh I sat down next to him. When I looked over at him, I saw he was looking at me too, nibbling at the end of a slice of pizza, child-like and endearing. Heero wouldn't let me live to see another day if I would tell him so, but he sometimes managed to look cute, in between the focused frowns and angry glares. Or maybe... maybe he was cute even then. "Your arm." Heero pointed out, nodded at the ugly scraped skin of my elbow. "Oh, yeah. I fell during P.E. I had the craziest day. Hey-" I noticed a bruise on Heero's shoulder, hardly obscured by the band of his moss green tank top. "What happened to you?" I asked, pointedly looking at the blue mark on his shoulder. "I also fell." He answered dryly. I chuckled. "So it's just like the old days! Us comparing wounds!" Heero was not amused, he turned his attention back to the television. As far as I had been able to tell, Heero didn't really like science fiction - it was too illogical - but he seemed focused on the current show about a werewolf that is actually a robot - I had already seen the end of the particularly bad miniseries and knew he would not be pleased with the irrational plot-twist. "What happened to your Preventer shirt?" I asked, tugging at the tank top. He usually wore his uniform from the time he got out of bed till his evening shower, but he was only still wearing the black slacks, oddly combined with the casual top. "I tore it. When I fell." "Oh. Quite the fall you made... You okay?" He nodded and took another tiny bite from his pizza that he took long to chew on. "You really hate pizza, don't you?" That questioning frown appeared on his forehead again as he wondered out loud: "How can you tell?" I placed a warm hand on his bruised shoulder - with purely platonic intentions - and told him with a smile: "Heero, I've seen you wolf down military rations. Dried food and stale bread. This, you can't even stand." "It's just food. Taste doesn't matter." He forced himself to take another bite, bigger this time, perhaps to prove his point. I sighed. "Taste is what matters most when it comes to food, Heero. It's not just about creating a feeling of fullness anymore." I let my hand on his shoulder trail down his arm, back to rest on the cushion in between us. Heero ignored me and continued to eat his pizza, one tiny bite at a time. Half an hour of silence later I reached for the remote and muted the television. Heero didn't even seem to notice, he kept his eyes fixed on the screen. He had given up on his pizza and had closed the lid and pushed the box away from him as if he couldn't even stomach the smell of it. "Heero?" "Hn?" He looked at me and made something in my stomach flutter and reduce me to a love sick school girl. I studied the angles of his face for a while and traced his long eyelashes from root to tip, just to bypass the intensity of his radiant eyes. "I have something important to tell you. It has something to do with the crazy day I've had..." He just continued to stare at me blankly. "I've been struggling with my feelings for so long... I didn't want to tell you because I thought maybe you didn't understand, or maybe I was just confused myself, but in spite of my confusion the feelings have remained unchanged. No, that's not true, ever since I started thinking about... these feelings, they have been getting stronger." A narrowing of his eyes indicated I was losing him with all this feelings-blabber that was foreign to him and beyond the grasp of his understanding. I felt like I could throw up, I was so nervous. A primal part of me just feared he would reject my declaration and punch me in the face. Mostly however, I feared he could offer me no more than his "I don't understand" and leave me to tender these feelings by myself till they would wither bitterly. In an ideal situation his eyes would start to water and he would whisper "I love you too" before leaning forward and letting me envelop him in a warm lover's embrace. But in that same ideal situation, the war never happened, the training never happened and however detached from reality I could ever manage to get, I would never forget that those things did happen. I had to remind myself to be glad for them, because if they hadn't, Heero and I would have never met. My life would have been very different, maybe easier, but, I figured, emptier. I was uncertain if Heero agreed those sacrifices were worth it. "I'm in love with you." I finally breathed. A shudder went through my whole body, my gut coiled uncomfortably for a moments and then all the insecurity, doubt and nervousness evaporated out of me, leaving me an empty vessel to be refilled with whatever feelings Heero's response would bring. But Heero's answer left me with nothing other than remaining painfully void and anxiously suspended in time. "Okay." Was his dry and monotone and ultimately disappointing answer. I realized I had preferred a fist to the nasal bridge. "Okay?" I repeated expectantly. Heero kept his face still and towards me, but his eyes started moving around. I didn't know if he did that deep in thought, searching for answers, or a means to avoid my gaze. I had never observed this behavior in him, but I was too distraught and confused to be curious. The awkward silence and tension between us didn't ease. "Do you know what I mean?" I eventually tried, my heart beating wildly and painfully. Heero gave the matter his final efforts, frowning deeply and tightening his mouth in thought. He came to the same conclusion that had also dawned on me. "No." Heero had focused his gaze at a point in mid-air and seemed frozen in his spot. Perhaps he felt uncomfortable in the situation - the situation that I was responsible for. More likely was that he was displeased with own lack of knowledge and experience. Love was not something J had been able to teach him, or something that had been explained to him via biological or psychological textbooks. He looked lost and severely displeased with his own confusion and disappointment in himself for not knowing everything there is to know. Feeling sorry for myself made way for empathizing with Heero. "Well," I struggled to find words to explain it - has anyone ever been able to capture love in words?-, "It's like the way I've always loved you and something extra." I couldn't help but smile at myself. I was certain poets and authors had found a more profound and eloquent way to describe romantic love other than "extra". But I could argue that love is something personal and it wouldn't be my love if I quoted strangers from history. It wouldn't be honest either, the pretense that I understood what the likes of Shakespeare and the Brontë sisters were referring to enough to adopt their words as my own. He looked into my eyes, he had that frown on his head that meant he genuinely wanted me to make him understand, help him be normal. "What extra?" His deep voice and the possibilities of answers his question left me, made me shudder. I locked my gaze with his intense, penetrating stare, as he tried to bore holes into my skull and get the answers out himself. I didn't want to scare him or rush him into something he wouldn't be ready for yet, but I didn't know how else to explain "extra" to him then leaning forward, closing the distance between us. Heero didn't pull back, he was committed to getting the answer like he would get committed to completing the mission. Our faces were closer to each other than they had ever been. I appreciated the perfection of his golden complexion and how innocent and childlike his face appeared with the defined chest and muscular limbs out of sight, but his worldly eyes reflected a tremulous past that left a boy commanding respect and authority for enduring it. I kept my eyes open, not willing to miss this moment as I carried out my approach. I recognized this moment could be unique, one of a kind. Heero could reject me and never allow me this opportunity again. If so, I wanted this moment with me as a lasting memory, forever. Heero kept still in front of me, though his face was blank, as it was ever - with the exception of aslight crease of curiosity between his brows - his eyes betrayed a fascination. Just kiss him already! The cheekiest part of my personality shrieked impatiently in the back of my head. And so I did. The final inch, my muscles were hard to move, they seemed frozen still, but when our lips finally connected, the warmth that shot through me instantly melted the frost away from my body. I was leaning forwards dangerously far, but I would be damned to have a clumsy moment. Miraculously, my straining muscled held out. I kept my lips lightly pressed to his for three Mississippi's before pulling back to gauge Heero's reaction. That fist to the nose might still come, I realized. "That's extra?" He asked. My ears may have betrayed me but that cheeky part of me could have sworn to have heard a hint of disappointment. "Uh..." I was a little caught of guard by his mechanical reaction to our first kiss. "A tiny part of it." "Show me more then." He pressed, clearly not bothered with what had just transpired. Not by the act itself, nor by the implications of homosexuality or the threats it possibly posed to our relationship as a platonic interaction between friends. "No!" His frown deepened. "Why not?" "Because... You're supposed to build this stuff up." "I don't understand." He admitted, relaxing back against he couch. He looked back at the muted television where the next episode of the science fiction series had started. He was unfazed by the blood and gore that was displayed as part of the genre. I sat back as well, frowning, deeply confused by what had just happened. I got the feeling Heero still didn't understand what I had been trying to tell him. Not even the kiss - or the "barely kiss" - could make that clear to him. I started to regret embarking on this quest before thoroughly thinking through my route beforehand. I felt stranded and lost, without means to either return or go forward. It's just communication, Sookie had said. There is no such thing! I thought, frustrated. "Just" implies an ease with which it should, supposedly come, but that was a lie, communication was damn hard! With determination I scooted closer to Heero, catching his attention. He looked at me as I kneeled on the couch right beside him, my knees touching his thigh. He waited patiently for my next move. "I usually "extra" way better than that." I told him. To prove my point I leaned forward again in a second attempt to blow him away and expose him to all the complicated feelings that I had been dealing with. If I couldn't open his eyes to these sensations, I realized, there was no sense in putting us through this and ruining our carefully constructed and lovingly nurtured friendship. When our faces were close again, I felt his breath come through his slightly open mouth and faintly caress my lips in a slow and even rhythm. I could smell tomato sauce and cheese in both our breaths but it didn't make the situation any less intense. Finally, I gently touched my lips to his, closing my eyes to allow myself to get caught up in the moment instead of concerning myself with the future. His lips felt soft and smooth, I noted, feeling Goosebumps rise to my skin. I started to softly move my lips against his, sensitizing myself till every light graze caused a surge of heat within me in contrast to my shudders and bumpy skin. I felt excitement when Heero finally started to move his lips with mine, actively joining our open mouthed kiss and made the world around us disappear. Everything but the moment - the moment in which we kissed - became obsolete; insignificant. I loved everything about our kiss. The sensation of his lips that were as perfect to the touch as they were to the eyes. The sensation of our bangs becoming one and caressing my forehead. The sensation of his warm breaths through his nose, against my cheek. The sensation of pure trust and love between us, no longer concerned with war, implications, expectations... All the new possibilities that opened up for us... Reluctantly I pulled away, but I didn't go far. I opened my eyes to see Heero had closed his eyes as well. He opened them a few moments after I did and struggled to conceal new emotions. "There is way more extra of where that came from." I breathed, followed by a low chuckle. Relief washed over me and I felt light and childishly giddy. My questions concerning myself, my sexuality and our relationship had been answered. I wanted him, that way. That way and every other way. All it took was a kiss. The world finally started to make sense to me. I looked at him to find an absent expression on his face, his eyes turned away from me, down at the carpet. "Heero?" I grew concerned when he didn't say anything and refused to meet my gaze. He suddenly looked at me, his gaze striking me like lightening. In the back of my head I heard an ominous, roaring thunder. He cleared his throat. "I have work." He rose to his feet and walked away from me, he withdrew into the office. A sad smile touched my lips at his awkward bewilderment. It was new for both of us, but even more so for Heero. It went without saying that those were his first kisses. I hoped I hadn't disappointed him, but I sincerely doubted Heero had ever given his first kiss any thought. However, that didn't mean he wasn't capable of regretting it. He had opened himself up to a lot of difficult thoughts and feelings that had even me struggling and Heero might not be emotionally equipped to handle them. He might just want to shut them back out again. I was tempted to go after him and embrace him tightly, stroke his hair and tell him that everything was okay, that I was going to help him explore this; that we were going to help each other. But I knew it would only make him feel more cornered and confused, that was something only the laughing heero from my dream would be responsive to and he wasn't real. With the real Heero, I always knew - since I first ventured into his personal space - that progress would have to be slow and gentle. That was the case when I worked on befriending him and that did not change just because we had kissed. I couldn't just declare myself his boyfriend and hold his hand. No matter how much I wanted to. I decided to leave him alone, grant him the time to figure things out for himself without feeling rushed or embarrassed about his newly exposed inadequacy. Heero didn't like feeling insufficient or unprepared, but what he detested even more so, was other people being aware of his shortcomings, his weaknesses. Because if other people knew, he couldn't uphold his infallibility and the mask would start cracking under the scrutiny of reality. I knew he would come to me for more answers, for more understanding, on his own terms, at his own pace. Heero couldn't be forced into anything. It felt strange to go about normal life after something so momentous had occurred, but I was in desperate need of a long shower and a change of clothes. Even under the shower, as I tried to rinse away my thoughts as well, I couldn't shake this feeling of "oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-that-really-happened!". I wondered if there was a word for that particular feeling. "Shock", "amazement" or "astonishment" didn't quite cover it. I had experienced a similar feeling a long time ago, the night the first war was brought to an end. Seeing Heero return from destroying that piece of Libra, realizing with great relief that he was okay, followed by the "oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-that-really-happened!"-feeling that the war was over. Over! It had been a great feeling, but also scary, because you didn't know what would happen, which path your life would take. We had only been prepared for war and our expectations didn't exceed war time. When I had dried my hair and dressed in night wear I went to bed but not with the illusion that I would get any sleep. Staring at the ceiling I recalled my dream. Chasing after a fun and frivolous Heero while the perfect soldier had been by my side all the time. I wondered if that was the reason for these feelings I was having, the possibility of finding, or rather: creating a Heero that wasn't even in existence yet. I toyed with the despicable idea that I used him as a blank canvas to color to my own desires and specifications; strokes of vivid, happy colors, when in all probability - left to evolve on his own - black and red paint would bleed through the fabric, accompanied by the scent of gun powder and kerosene. I did love him, but not his blank expressions, not his monotone voice. When he wielded the curt words of the soldier like a sword, hiding behind a mask that was stronger than himself, he made it hard even for me to love him. I loved him most when his forehead frowned and his lips pursed, when his eyes started to sparkle beyond the control of the soldier. Could I keep loving him if Heero lost the battle with the perfect soldier and had to succumb to his reign? I closed my eyes to rest them, listening intently to the ticking of a keyboard from the office. Heero didn't come into the bedroom until far past midnight. I was too tired to even turn my head and look at the time on my alarm clock. He softly closed the door behind him, not because he thought I was sleeping and was being considerate, but because it seemed like it was a life goal of his to go unheard and unnoticed and that was a sad perspective for me to ponder. I didn't feign sleep, it would have only made him distrustful when he caught me - and he would have caught me, because I couldn't convince someone that I was sleeping even if I was actually asleep - my eyes were wide open, my vision adjusting to the dark. Finally, the red light of my alarm and the faint moonlight coming through he curtains offered some help. I saw his shape moving in the dark, getting undressed. He didn't shower before he got into bed, but he may have done that while I was sleeping before. I felt relieved that when I looked at him, he was still Heero, my friend, but accompanied with blossoming, awesome, new and exciting feelings. I felt so many things any sexual arousal may have been drowned out, but I didn't feel like anything had changed between us in the sense that I wanted to undress him with my eyes and mentally molest him. Maybe Sookie would eventually be proven right, maybe the sexual feelings would come later. I hoped they would, because it would very geriatric to love someone yet not lust after them, but I hoped those feelings would take their time, so Heero could keep pace with me. I realized he had been staring at me, his eyes finding mine in the dark. He had an eerie composure over him. The "soldier composure" I feared, feeling a disconnect between the two of us, even though we had locked gazes. I couldn't see his subtle expressions, but the tension slowly died down and the atmosphere became more comfortable. "Duo?" He quietly called out and my heart leaped at the acknowledgement that the soldier was out for the night. He sounded honest and vulnerable, a moment he allowed me to love him more than I ever had before. "Yeah, buddy?" I called him "buddy" because I wanted to emphasize nothing between us would have to be different. There was no rush, no pressure. I wanted him to know that, because I knew it to be vital to earn his trust and accept the new abstract concept of our relationship. "Thank you for helping me understand." He whispered, as if he was embarrassed to admit his own shortcomings. I smiled. "No problem, buddy." I assured him, smiling big enough for him to be able to see in the low lights. "Are you okay with it?" He remained silent for longer than my beating heart was comfortable with, bleeding heart ache into my chest like a throbbing pain. My dependence on him scared me not for the reason of sacrificing any masculinity, or freedom for that matter, but because Heero was an unpredictable love interest, torn between his efforts to be normal and the ingrained drive to be the perfect and impassive soldier. The soldier could break Heero and consequently, break me. Once broken I didn't know if either of us could be repaired. "Yes." His voice was suddenly loud with certainty, after thoroughly contemplating the matter, as was his nature. "It made me feel..." He struggled for words, the frustrated frown, visible even in the dark, pulled at my heart strings. "It made me feel different. Strange. And that made me feel normal." He frowned at his own illogic. I didn't say anything. I didn't want to make him feel like I was passing judgment or advising him on how he should feel, how normal people would feel. I wanted him to make these discoveries on his own and decide for himself. Moreover, I was hardly an expert on the subject of emotions myself. "I'm not making any sense." He berated himself. "You don't have to make sense, Heero. You can tell
me whatever you want. It's just communication."
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