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"Warheads"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: Post War, angst, fluff, psychological
issues, lemon Pairings: 2x1 Summary: Duo and Heero try to become more than
comrades in their attempt to be normal young men. They settle down
but find that peacetime is difficult to adjust to and with only each
other to rely on, it is a struggle, especially for Heero. " Warheads "
I started running. I flew down the stairs and burst through the front door of the building. I ran away from our apartment. Did I make the wrong decision? Did I say the wrong things? I ran away from those questions too. I didn't know where I was going, for a long time I didn't think I was going anywhere, that I was just running. My tears streamed down my face. The distance between me and the apartment grew greater and greater but I couldn't escape the hurt. My heart just ached more with each step that led me away. I couldn't be without Heero, but I couldn't be with him like this either. Why did it all have to go wrong? Everything seemed to be going so well, every hurt, every setback, only reminded me of my hope. Hope that one day he would allow himself to be himself, in all his perfections and imperfections and then we would both be cured of our hurting. Nettle had crushed that hope. She should have never given him those pills. If she hadn't, he would have never even considered the possibility. We would have continued our life the way we had, one step at a time, going forward. She had poisoned him and in doing so she had poisoned us. I could feel the nauseating effect of her venom. What a snake. What a snake! I stopped, finally, panting heavily. I leaned my hand against the wall, bowing forward slightly. For a moment I felt like I was going to throw up, but I didn't. A sharp sound made me aware of my surroundings. With a substantial detour, my feet had carried me to the train station. More specifically, I was at the platform for the red train, bound for Kennedy Space Center and the Preventer HQ, which had just come to a screeching halt. I didn't think too much about it. I hurried over and made it through the doors just in time. They automatically slid closed behind me and I seated myself before the train would start accelerating out of the station. My heart pounded, not so much due to physical exertion, but due to anger, anger and anticipation at the inevitable confrontation. As I sat down I felt the little brochure in my right pocket. I had some time to kill, so I pulled it out. It was nothing more than a few sheets of thin paper stapled together and folded up multiple times. But the print was very small, there was a lot of information. I unfolded it. The front read the name and the slogan. Protriptyline++. A New Generation Tricyclic Anti-Depressant. I scanned the introductory section. Apparently Protriptyline++ was the revised version of the original Protriptyline, which had been used to medicate people with depression and other psychological problems for decades. The revised version was stronger and was claimed to be effective in the treatment of major depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well. The biological working of the drug was briefly explained of which I didn't understand much. Effectively, it boiled down to a leveling of emotions, eliminating the peaks of high and low. For some reason I envisioned a heart rate flat-lining. I read the next section, dosage: "25 mg administered twice daily, in the morning and in the evening, during the preliminary phase. After consulting a physician (usually after a timeframe of 2 to 3 weeks) administration can be changed to a three times daily dosage of 25 mg, which can eventually be compacted into single dosage of 75 mg per day. If desired, dosage can be increased to a maximum 100 mg per day, pending consultation of a physician. Always contact your physician when making changes to your dosage or combining the Protriptyline++ with other medication." And with an ill feeling I reviewed the long list of side effects, including cardiac arrhythmias, dizziness, disorientation and confusion. Most of which were to lessen after the month of use, if not, the brochure referred back to the personal physician, for an adjustment of dosage. I stopped reading when my gaze fell on the next header, Risk Of Overdose. I folded the bundle back up and stuffed it into my pockets, but I couldn't tuck away that sick feeling that I experienced. The train stopped at the Kennedy Space Center station and I bolted out the doors. The information had only fuelled my anger at Nettle. I stomped into the lobby and disturbed the receptionist who was on the phone. I forced her to hang up. "How can I help you, sir?" She seethed. I showed her my employee pass from the garage and demanded to talk to Nettle. "Do you have an appointment?" "I'm sure she is expecting me." I snapped. She eyed me suspiciously for a moment, but seeing as I was an employee of the agency and it was Nettle's job to see us and maintain our mental well-being, the receptionist eventually consented. She asked me for my access card so she could upgrade it in the scanner to allow me to operate the elevator up to Nettle's floor. As it was supposed to, the card got the elevator working and brought me back up to the floor that I remember from a previous experience. I veritably stampeded through the elongated, narrow hall, all the way to the back, where I remember spending a long time waiting as Heero had his first session. It disgusted me now, if I knew she was only going to add insult to injury I wouldn't have idly sat by. I practically crashed through the door into the chestnut haven that was her outdated office. The woman deserving of my wrath sat behind her desk, looking only mildly surprised. She might have received a call from the receptionist in the meantime. To my left, sitting on one of her hideous couches, was an older man, not old, just older. Gray, thinning hair and lines all across his face from a lifetime of worrying. "Hey!" He protested, looking at me angrily. "Duo, I am in session. You are free to wait outside." Nettle said calmly and her thin, bony hand gestured back to the door and the hallway beyond that. "I am not going anywhere." I declared. "This is my session!" The older man argued, rising to his feet. "Well whatever is troubling you, you're just going to have to get over it till next time." I barked at him and my menacing glare reduced him back into a seated position. His eyes were shifty for a while and he finally stuttered, getting up again: "I'll... I think - I'll wait outside." He looked at Nettle. "That's fine, Graham, why won't you wait outside. This won't take long." "You're damn right it won't." I spat. "All I need to say can be said with four letter words. With the exception of bitch." Graham pulled the door shut behind him, enclosing Nettle and I in the space. "There is no need for such language, Duo." She said in her calm, therapeutic voice. "Yeah there is. Heero just showed up at home with a bottle of anti-depressants." I plucked the accompanying papers out of my pocket, partially ripping them in the process and slammed them down on her desk with my palm. "Leveling out emotions? Side effects? Risks of overdose? What kind of a shrink are you?" "A good one." She answered curtly. "But not the kind that can benefit Heero. As there is no such thing." I snorted. "You just can't admit that you're not good enough." She brushed a wrinkle out of her blazer and gestured for me to sit down on the couch. "Oh no. I'm not one of your patients. I'm not going to let you psycho-fuck me. This isn't how this conversation is going to go. You are going to tell me why you just completely fucked up Heero's chance to come to terms with his emotions." "You have it backwards. I actually created that opportunity for him." She sighed, folding her hands together on the surface of her desk. "Look Duo, I wasn't really getting anywhere with Heero-" "You're damn right-" "I thought you came for an explanation?" She interrupted strictly. "Well, this is it, so listen." I bit back another four or five letter word and nodded my consent. "I wasn't getting anywhere with Heero, just having him talk. Usually patients feel relieved when they talk and the process puts their emotions into perspective and I can offer my professional help in further breaking it down, getting to the root of the problem and then dealing with that root appropriately. Talking did nothing for Heero, it only made him feel pain at reliving the memories and the hardship that it caused him to share. And I couldn't get through to him. There was a blockade, an attempt to protect himself from the depth of his feelings. The exact same depth I have to get to in order to help. Seeing as traditional methods were ineffective, I had to make the decision to adjust my approach. The human brain is very alike a machine, Duo, it requires a certain input to function desirably. This input is a combination of chemicals and neurotransmitters in the brain. When there is an imbalance in the input, as caused by Heero's traumatizing past, medication can offer a relieving solution, to restore the balance." Nettle reached for the information papers that had been crumpled in my pocket before I had slammed them on her desk and her slim fingers moved to straighten the papers, fussing over the tear. "The Protriptyline++ can take the edge off his hurtful feelings and allow him the opportunity to experience the positive in his life. I never intended this as a long term solution. What I want is for him to take the medicine long enough so he can start to feel comfortable with himself. Because right now he isn't, he is torturing himself. It will help him become more confidant in his ability to deal with his emotions and he can focus on the good things in his current life. Those two aspects can help him later on, when we resume our therapy and start eliminating the use of medication." I shook my head and sighed. "This is not one of your regular patients you are dealing with. This sends a completely different message to Heero. If you give him pills, he is going to think he is sick, sick in a way that only the pills can help him. He is giving up on everything else. Now he just wants to take the pills and live like that, in denial. Now I don't say I blame him, he's had a hard life. It's tempting to accept this kind of resolve when offered... I blame you. Because you should have never made him think like that. If you so insisted on giving him the pills, you should have told him what you told me, which you obviously didn't. Now he has the whole wrong idea of himself and the medication!" "I take it you two had an argument regarding the matter?" She calmly inquired. "Look lady," I started, feeling my anger rise again, "I've been by Heero's side for months, no years, because I was there during the war and I saw what he saw. We have been working together to cure ourselves from that past life and to come closer together and closer to our true self. And then you sweep in with your drugs and false promises of taking away the pain and you knock all that I have done on it's ass. We would have been fine without you." I pivoted on my heels and started to walk away, but Nettle stopped me dead in my tracks with an innocent enough question. "Do you really believe that?" I turned back around, seething with anger. The little God of Death in the back of my mind was already killing her. Luckily for her, I wasn't that dark character anymore. Though sometimes I really still wanted to be, against better judgment. "I haven't discussed this with Heero, yet, because he obviously cares for you immensely. But in my professional opinion, neither one of you benefit from your relationship." "What the fuck do you know!" I erupted. "It's like you said, Duo, you saw what he saw. You shared that "past life", as you call it, a past you are now both working to escape." Nettle passively explained. "But you can never truly shed that part of yourself as long as you are together. You constantly remind each other of that time of pain and suffering. I especially think it is taking it's toll on Heero." "Fuck you!" I pointed an angry finger at her. "Fuck you, you don't know anything! Heero and I love each other, that is one thing you can't render moot with your words and your pills!" "I'm not denying the love between you. You obviously love Heero and Heero, as became apparent during our sessions, loves you. But you are a living reminder of a time Heero prefers to tuck away and never think of again. Don't you agree that it would be much easier for him and he would feel much more comfortable if he was with someone who didn't live that war with him, who doesn't know of his brutal training, who doesn't know of exactly the things that cause him shame and discomfort? Then he'll be free to explore the other parts of himself." "And then what?" I retorted, "Then he would be in a relationship with someone who doesn't even have the slightest idea who he is. And he would always have to live with the fear that this person might not love him anymore, once the truth about him is revealed. At least with me he knows he will always be loved, because I know everything and I love him still." "Maybe." She said ambiguously. "But what else do you have to offer him? Do you really think you have all the emotional knowledge to help him? And what about you?" Nettle continued relentlessly in a flat tone. "Wouldn't you be better off with someone else? It must be difficult being in a relationship with Heero. He is closed off, socially inept, still drawn to a part of him that is dangerous to himself, because at least that is something he knows. It's consuming you. It must be draining you, never knowing if he will ever reciprocate all of your feelings, not just love, but trust and openness. I image you have been so focused on Heero, you have been neglecting yourself. I think you would be in a much better place right now if you were with someone who allowed you the time to explore yourself." I took a few steps towards her and leaned over her desk, staring angrily into her eyes. I saw her lean away from me slightly. "I was in a perfect place, till you came around and made a mess of the hope that had been carrying both Heero and I through." I walked away. But again she stopped me halfway to the door. "You should take this with you." She was holding out the information that had come with the Protriptyline++. "Heero should really read this before he uses it." "He won't be needing it." I said adamantly. I didn't know how I was going to convince Heero of that, but I knew I had to. "Shouldn't you let Heero decide that for himself?" She countered. I stopped. With my back turned towards her, I experienced a moment of hesitation. "Duo, whether he decides to take the medicine or not, he is going to need all of the information to make a well-informed decision." I sighed. A few moments later I turned around and I walked back to her desk. She held the papers out towards me, her face was one of a strong-willed woman. I snatched the papers out of her hands and carelessly tucked them back in my jeans pocket. I glared at her. "If you or Heero have questions, you can always contact me." "But your advice is always going to be: take the drugs?" "For now, yes." I walked away and slammed the door shut behind me. Graham was looking at me with big eyes. I stared back at him briefly and then walked off without saying anything. Leaving him to his faith. Unannounced and unwelcome, her words started gnawing at me. Were Heero and I better off without each other? I loved him too much to ever be able to step away, but maybe that was selfish. I had so confidently refuted her claim, but inside I wasn't nearly as sure. I had had a nightmare about the very matter, with Heero staring at his own reflection in shallow water, screaming in horror as I neared. Am I the best person to help him through this? The idea that he'd be better off with someone who was kept in the dark about his past was utterly ridiculous to me. But that person and I myself, are two extremes on opposite sides of a spectrum. Maybe there was someone in the happy middle of that spectrum more suitable to guide him. This thought pained me, it didn't change my feelings towards Heero, only towards myself. I didn't want to be selfish, I wanted the best for Heero. I just wanted to be that best. I couldn't go back home. Not yet. I felt awkward and confused and knew that should not be the place I should be in when I confront Heero again. I got out of the train and instead of walking home, I walked over to the adjacent bus station. Absentmindedly I got out a few stops later and I lingered at the entry of the retirement home. I felt guilty for coming to Sookie. Another flood of selfishness hit me. She had been taking care of her grandmother, probably worrying about her and I hadn't been the supportive friend that I should have been, the supportive friend that she always was to me. And now finally I am here on her doorstep, only because I needed help with my own troubles yet again. I almost walked away, back to the bus stop, but I needed to talk to her. I knew that she could bring structure to the jumbled mess in my head. Selfishly, I walked up to the front door of the apartment where I knew she lived with her grandparents. With empty eyes I stared at the colorful ceramic owl that hung from the wall next to the doorbell and when I rang the bell, it was actually the hooting sound of an owl, rather than a ring or a buzz. At any other time I might have found it to be comical, but I wasn't in the mood to be easily amused. The door opened and my friend's face beamed when she looked up at me. "Duo!" She pulled the door wide open and surprised me with a tight, impromptu hug. When she released me and looked more closely at my face, her eyebrows furrowed together in a concerned frown. "Are ya okay?" "I'm sorry to bother you..." I said. "Not at all! Come in. I'll take ya to my bedroom, so we can talk." She wrapped one of her arms around mine and escorted me inside. We shuffled to a narrow, tiny hallway that led to a small, cozy and cluttered looking living room, filled with owl memorabilia. In the middle of the living room, between the couch and the coffee table, facing the television, was a hospital bed. The old woman laying in it smiled and paused her program, with feeble hands operating the remote, to greet me. "Hellooo." She said with a weak, scratchy voice. "Hello, misses Shaw." The old lady chuckled delicately. "Rutford." She corrected. "Shaw is the name of that rotten man who corrupted my daughter." In spite of her words, her face kept the kind smile. She straightened out folds in the sheets that covered her, maybe self-conscious about her disheveled appearance in the presence of a guest. An old man came out of the kitchen, with small footsteps. He was holding a tray with trembling hands, the tea cups shook rattled dangerously, nearly spilling some of the tea. "Let me get that, Grandpa." Sookie said and she took the tray out of his weak hands and walked it over to the sitting area, placing it on a small table by her grandmother's bed. "Who is this fine young man?" The grandfather asked, now free from the task that previously cost him so much concentration that he hadn't even been alerted to my presence. "Grandpa, Grandma, this is Duo, my friend from school." Sookie introduced me. "Ahh yes. Wonderful! My my, our Sookie warned us you'd be tall." The man commented with a warm smile, looking all the way up at me as he weakly shook my hand. "And that is some long hair you have! Are you a gay too?" He wondered without any sense of judgment or resentment. "Grandpa!" Sookie hissed, but she chuckled. "As a matter of fact I am, sir." "Wonderful!" The old man commented, slowly making his way to the couch. "Lovely people, the gays. My wife's hairdresser is a gay, you know. Wonderful young man. Wonderful. Oh!... Maybe you know him!" Sookie lovingly patted him on his shoulder as he heavily sat down in his seat. "We've been over this Grandpa, not all gay people know each other." He mumbled something incoherent and then continued with endearing enthusiasm: "Well then maybe he should meet him!" He looked at me with gleeful small eyes. "He is a wonderful young man. You'd like him!" "I'm afraid I'm spoken for, sir." I said with a bittersweet smile. "Wonderful!" He exclaimed and he smiled so brightly you could see he was missing some teeth. He looked at his wife, who stared back at him with warm eyes and he mused: "Nothing more wonderful than being spoken for." He briefly touched his wife's hand with his. "Duo and I are gonna head to my bedroom. Now ya holla if ya need somethin', right? Dun go hauling heavy stuff around yerself." She kissed him on his cheek and then took me by the hand, taking me to the back, down a short hallway. She opened the last door to the left and just as she closed the door, sounds from the TV started drifting again. "They are nice." I commented truthfully. "Yeah. Silly old lovebirds..." She spoke lovingly. "Is your grandmother going to be okay?" "Oh yeah, she's gonna be fine! Operation went perfect, justa couple'a weeks more bed rest. She's a tough cookie." She plopped down on her bed and reached over across the empty space of her terribly small room to pull her desk chair out to face her. "Sit." I obediently sat down. I briefly looked around the room, taking in the colorful walls, the many pictures and small figurines. On a magnetic board mounted on the wall just above her desk were newspaper clippings, small pictures with small articles. Local newspapers reporting children championships at soccer, hockey, lacrosse and tennis. A very young Sookie was in every picture. "You looked cute." "I still do, Duo." She said with a smirk. "Was this from when you were still living with your parents?" Her features became forlorn. "Yeah. My dad especially made a point of buying every local newspaper after a match. He'd get really pissed if they didn't mention me in the article." I smiled sadly. "He was proud of you." "He was, yeah. My mom sent them over a few months after they moved me here. Said he didn't want them anymore." She shook it off, reforming her smile. "Whatcha doing here? Ya looked like a beaten up puppy just now, standing at the door." I nodded. "I am." "What happened?" After a sigh and a brief pause to organize my thoughts, I started telling her about the crazy day I had had. As I talked, I could feel the emotions overwhelming me again, reawaking my anger and hurt feelings. I tried to relay the fight I had had with Heero in as much detail as I could and even though partially I felt awkward sharing something that had been so heavy and, in a way, intimate, it felt good and reassuring to occasionally look up at the understanding and sympathy on her face. I concluded my epic tale - it sure seemed epic to me - with the discussion I had with Nettle and what she had said about Heero and I not being right for each other. At that, Sookie did exactly what I needed her to do. She scoffed and exclaimed: "Nonsense!" It was the first thing she had said, she had been quiet and attentive throughout my entire story, for which I was very grateful. Once I was done, I felt a little deflated and tired from experiencing all the emotions all over again. Sookie let the silence exist for a little while, letting me calm down. When enough time seemed to have passed, she reached out a hand and placed it on my knee. It felt warm and comforting, almost like a mother's touch. I realized all too well that aside from Heero, she was the closest thing to family that I had. It was a nice, but scary thing at the same time. When you have something, you have something to lose. "Sounds like ya had a hell of a day." "Yeah." I breathed in response. "Look, we could sit here all evening and all night discussing this, but ya know what I think? I think ya should be with Heero." I looked up at her. Not surprised, but the prospect just seemed so daunting. My heart started aching at the mere idea. I didn't want to get into another fight and I didn't want to see that hurt, desperate look on his face again. I didn't want to lose myself to emotions again and say exactly the things that made that expression appear on his face. "I'm not tryin' to get rid of ya, I'm just sayin'." "I know. And you're right. It just feels awkward. I feel like we are at a stalemate. Everything seems futile, everything that can be said and done. I feel like at this point, we can only hurt each other further." "This isn't a chess game, Duo, this is life. Ye're not gonna forfeit the game by making a move." She spoke reassuringly. "If Heero really wants to give that Protriptyline-stuff a go, than ya must let him. I know it's not what ya want and I dun think it's what Heero really wants either, but how is he gonna know that? Ya hafta be supportive of him. So far ya only know how to support him by telling him whatta do. For once, try to be supportive of him finding out things on his own." "Are you saying I'm a control freak?" I asked, offended. She shrugged. "A bit, yeah." "Oh..." "Those drugs might not be so bad anyway. Nettle's a bitch, that's a given, but sometimes medication can really help a person through a hard time and give 'em the energy to fight back." I remained hesitant. Medication just seemed so radical. Medication is something you give to someone who is sick and though I knew Heero to be deeply troubled, I refused to think of him as sick. Sookie sighed. She bit the inside of her cheek a moment or two and then got up. For a moment I thought she was going to leave, but she opened a closet full of colorful clothes and kneeled down on the floor in front of it. She stretched out her arms and reached deep into the back of the closet, retrieving a shoebox decorated with stickers and glitter. She walked it back to her bed and sat down with the box in her lap. I watched curiously. She pulled off the lid, placing it on the mattress beside her and revealed the chaotic mess of contents. I could make out stacks of pictures, two old stuffed animals and a stack of sealed letters, but there was much more in there, that mostly just appeared to be random junk - meaningless tidbits from a childhood - to me. With her black fingernails Sookie started digging in the mess. Her hand came up holding an orange bottle that rattled. She pinched it between her thumb and forefinger to show it tome. It was a pill bottle much like the one I had held today. The sticker with personal information was illegible, most of the ink had worn off. About one third of the pills were still inside, rattling noisily as she moved it. "Citalopram." She said, with a bittersweet smile. "It's not as strong as what Heero was prescribed I suppose, but boy did it make me gain weight." With her free hand she held up one of the pictures from the box to show me. I recognized her face, though fuller and rounder, but her figure was drastically different. I knew her to be slim and athletic, in the picture she would definitely be considered chubby. "Docs prescribed this to me a few months after my parents dumped me here with Grandpa and Grandma." She confided. "I wasn't "coping very well"." She actually added air-quotation-marks to the expression. "I went through two bottles of this and then with the third, this one, I just decided it was time to stop. Sometimes I blame myself for being too weak, but it helped me and some other times, I'm actually proud of myself for daring to take this step and accept help. It allowed me a break from all the resentment and anger and hurt that I was feelin', long enough to get to know and love my grandparents, long enough to make friends in school, long enough to forgive my parents, long enough to forgive myself... And then I knew, I was strong enough to stop and face the feelings that had been hiding underneath. And I really was strong enough Duo, it was hard but I never looked back and everything fell into place." I was shocked by her confession, but also in awe of her, she must have felt so vulnerable sharing this with me, yet she did it for me. I started to realize how much of a jerk I had been, to Heero as well as her, so inconsiderate. I knew so little yet I had pretended to know so much, only to justify my sudden, intense sadness and anger. "Every person is different, but if Heero wants to give it a go, wouldn'tcha want to allow him at least that? To at least try? Don't you want that for him? A break from all the hurt he's been putting himself through?" She leaned forward and meaningfully looked me in my eyes. "Duo, I think these drugs are only going to get the better of him if ya leave. If ya stay, he's gonna realize sooner or later that you and him together are strong enough and he'll quit like I did. If ya leave, yeah, then the drugs will be all he has and he might get lost in 'em, butcha can stop that from happenin'. By just being there, like Grandpa and Grandma were here for me." I let out a shaky breath. I didn't know what to say, I was overwhelmed into silence. In all honesty I would still prefer it if he wouldn't turn to the drugs at all, growing up on L2 and being trained by G, you learn real quick that many pathways to death or oblivion are paved with either prescribed or illegal pills. But Sookie was testimony of a positive outcome and I could not ignore that fact, could not ignore that that might be a possibility for Heero. I've been waiting and standing by his side for so long, maybe I could wait just that little extra while, the time it takes him to realize that he could still live a full and open life, long enough for him to be strong enough to let go of the relief of medication. And she was right, my presence could make the difference. I would be there for him no matter what. "I still really have to talk to him though. Because right now he's not thinking like that, he thinks he should just take those pills forever, he thinks they are going to numb him into normality." Sookie nodded fervently. "Of course. But this time, stay calm. It sounds to me like things got heated right off the bat. Why not allow yerself some more time too? He doesn't hafta to decide right away, right? Let 'em think about for a while, let 'em make his own decision. Maybe when it's carefully explained to him what the drugs really do, that they don't mean he's sick beyond healing, he might not even want them anymore. It seems that right now, he's just intoxicated with the possibility that he can simply drown everything out and leave it at that." "I hope he will give it some extra thought." I looked at her apologetically. "Not to demean your experience, but I really would prefer it if we could do this on our own. I guess, I guess the pills just also sent a bad message to me, that I hadn't been doing good enough and all I want is to do is be good enough for him." "Don't sweat it. Like I said, everyone's different." She offered me her brightest, kindest smile. "Just let him make up his own mind." I promptly got up out of my seat and reached over to wrap my arms around her in a tight, thankful hug. "Thank you." I whispered gratefully in her strawberry blonde hair. She let me comfortably hug her for a while, recognizing that I needed the contact momentarily. After a short while, she patted my back and with a grin to her lips she said: "Come one ya big teddy bear, I'll take ya home." We walked back out into the living room where the two grandparents were still watching TV. "Oh, oh!" With effort the grandfather got out of his seat, his balance wobbly. "Will Duo be joining us for dinner? There is enough split pea soup for everyone!" He rubbed his hands together enthusiastically, seemingly pleased at the opportunity to entertain a guest. "Not tonight, Grandpa, Duo has to get home." "Oh. Maybe some other time then?" I couldn't say no to his smiling face. "Sure, I'd like that." I wasn't really sure if I would keep myself to this engagement, but he sure seemed happy at my answer. "Wonderful!" He shuffled back to his seat, muttering excitedly to himself: "Maybe I'll make my chicken pot pie then..." "Grandpa?" Sookie interrupted his planning of the dinner. "Is it okay if I use the car to drop Duo off at home, so he won' hafta take the bus?" "Yes, yes, that will be fine." The old man waved his hand. "Thanks." She gave them both a kiss and then guided me back outside, snatching her coat and a jumbling collection of keys on her way out. On our way to the parking lot, she explained: "He's not really supposed ta drive anymore, but he can't say goodbye to his little car." She wasn't kidding when she said "little car". It was a car in every right, but looked more like a handicap vehicle. It sounded more like one too. The electric engine started with a pitched whine and continued to buzz as she steered it onto the road, with us packed into it. The rear seat was ridiculous, suitable only for the transportation of small dogs or children, I supposed. The little thing also wasn't very fast. Acceleration after a red light was unnoticeable, just a steady, undetectable increase of speed to a maximum of thirty miles per hour, when the engine buzzed really loudly with effort. As we got closer, I grew more hesitant. I didn't really know what to say to him and I was sure he wouldn't know what to say either. I hated awkward moments like that, but we would just have to get through it. And Sookie was right, I shouldn't have been so judgmental, I should have been more supportive. The whole situation still left me with a knot in my stomach, but I felt more hopeful and optimistic after Sookie had told me that everything would turn out okay, with or without the drugs, as long as I am there to support and love him. On the way there, which at the speed we were going, certainly took long enough, I tried to map out my words, searched for the perfect things to say to make everything alright between us. But those words eluded me. As we neared the apartment, I finally decided that at first I shouldn't say anything, I should just hug him, as that is all I truly wanted to do. All I ever want to do. To hold him near me, to feel his warmth and the steady beat of his heart through his chest. For some reason, holding him always brought me comfort. I hoped it offered the same for him. The buzz died down as Sookie turned of the engine with the little vehicle parked in front of the front door of the apartment building. "Here we are." She announced the obvious. "Don't worry, ye'll do fine." I took in a deep breath and asked her if I could ask her for a huge favor. She answered lightheartedly: "With the risk of sincerely coming to regret this: sure. Shoot." "Will you come up with me? Will you tell him what you told me? That the drugs helped you through a specifically hard time and that once you were strong enough, you quit?" I was hoping she would, I knew that once I'd be in there I'd be too useless and likely too emotional to talk sensibly. More importantly it seemed only logical for Heero to be receiving this information from the source. Even though Heero had trouble accepting strangers into his life, maybe for this once he could acknowledge the value of Sookie's presence and her offering of personal insight in the situation. I had expected her to be doubtful, but she wasn't, she answered directly: "Of course. Okay." "Okay." I nodded. "Thanks." We simultaneously got out of the excuse of a car and headed through the front door. Waiting for the elevator, Sookie smiled at me. "Heero is lucky to have you, no matter what Nettle says." "Thanks. Tell him that?" I jested. She replied seriously: "I'm sure he is well aware." I smiled back at her. Feeling more confident and a little eager to see Heero again and make everything alright, I didn't delay us, guiding us to the front door as soon as the elevator doors opened on our floor. Standing at the door, the keycard in my hand, I suddenly dumbly wondered if I should knock, to alert him that I was there. But I argued that it would only add to the awkwardness of the following conversation, so I decided against it and swiped my card through the lock. The green light flashed and I pushed the door open. All the lights in the apartment were off and, most notably, so was the television. It wasn't dark yet, but shadows were cast in the corners of the living room and normally we'd start turning on lights at this hour, with the sun on the other side of the building. I wondered with increasing worry if he had left somewhere, or just... left. My heart pounded. "Heero?" I called. When there was no response, no movement, I felt a very real sense of panic. "Don't worry." Sookie said behind me. "Maybe he's in the shower?" I couldn't hear the shower running, but I welcomed that possibility. I took a large step inside but froze when my eyes incidentally fell on the bottle of pills on the dinner table. The cap was screwed off and lay over to the side. My mind reeled. He had already started taking them? I took another large step, passing the corner that previously obstructed view from the kitchen. In the corner of my eye I saw a dark form lying on the kitchen floor and my heart dropped. Just lying there. Completely still. For what seemed like an eternity, I couldn't make myself turn my head to look, as if I could control reality that way. But I couldn't simply deny it and make it untrue by not looking at it, so I turned my head and my eyes fell on Heero's unconscious body, lying on the floor, on his back. Even though I knew before I looked, it was still a shocking sight to be confronted with. I called out his name and rushed over to him. Sookie screamed when she followed me and saw him too. I knelt over him, my hands shaking terribly with fear. With two fingers on his throat, I checked for a pulse. The vague, irregular pulse that I detected was a relief. I noticed the phone lay by his body, he probably dropped it right before he passed out. I threw the phone at Sookie and ordered her to call for an ambulance. I saw her dial with barely any control over her fingers. Her shaking hand brought the phone up to her ear and shortly after, she started talking in a rushed, scared voice, but I didn't pay attention to what she was saying. I looked back at Heero. His face was very pale and there were slight gatherings of white foam in both corners of his mouth. His skin was slick with sweat, his chest was barely heaving with breaths. I was feeling many things, but those had to be sidetracked. I couldn't wallow in them now, I needed to do something, I needed to help him. I didn't know how to respond to an overdose of this specific drug, but there was really only one thing I could do and it was worth trying it. It would take a while for the ambulance to get here and I was determined to get the poison out of his system as soon as possible. I reached up and strongly gripped the handle of our cutlery drawer. I ripped the entire drawer out and it fell to the floor - narrowly missing Heero's head - with a loud bang and the metallic rattle of the spoons, forks and knives. My hand aimlessly reached in and took out a spoon. I cupped the back of Heero's neck and pushed a knee under his torso to tilt his body onto his side, away from me. Lifting his head revealed a smear of blood on the kitchen floor, he must have fallen hard. I supported his weight against my legs and brought my left arm around his neck, effectively supporting his head on my lower arm, but leaving my hand free to work his mouth open. With my right hand I held the spoon and brought it to his mouth handle first. I leaned over him to see what I was doing, carefully inserting the back of the spoon deeper into his mouth till I finally successfully evoked a gagging response. I quickly retreated the spoon and tilted him a little further, so he could vomit without the risk of it pooling in the back of his throat, creating a risk of him choking on it, but after a few gags and coughs, nothing happened. I brought the spoon back into his mouth for a second attempt. This time he threw up, mostly a yellow, reeking liquid that foamed white, he obviously hadn't eaten anything all day. To make sure he would empty the entire content of his stomach, I repeated the procedure and he threw up more of the retched liquid. When I did it again, he only dry-heaved, satisfying me that everything was out. But I knew this alone would not solve it, would not cure him. There was nothing else for me to do but wait. "They're on their way." I barely registered Sookie's voice. "They'll be here in a few minutes." I didn't acknowledge her. I rolled Heero onto his back, carefully supporting his head with my hand. I wiped his mouth clean with the end of my sleeve. His sweaty skin was starting to turn a sickly color. "What did you do to yourself?" I whispered to him hoarsely. I ran my hand through his hair, it was greasy and I felt cold, dried blood on the back of his head. "Please don't die." My voice was barely audible. I lay my hand over his throat again. The weak pulse was the only thing that could bring me some reassurance. His skin was cold and moist to the touch. Laying limp in my arms, barely breathing, he looked lifeless, like a rag doll that had been thrown around too many times. He looked so tiny and vulnerable and all I could think was that I hadn't been there to protect him. Sookie knelt by him too and she took hold of one of his chill, pale hands. "It's gonna be okay, Duo, the ambulance is coming. Help is coming." After a few uneasy minutes, she announced: "I'm gonna wait for them downstairs, okay? So I can let them into the building as soon as they are here. It's gonna be alright, Duo." She briefly touched my shoulder and then ran out the door. I paid her no heed, I was completely focused on Heero, cradling him in my arms. "Please don't die." Is what I kept whispering to him. I looked at his closed eyes, praying for them to open, for them to look at me, but he wasn't waking up, he was locked away somewhere deep. "I-" I struggled with the words. "I lo-" It was hard to say them, it sounded too much like a goodbye and I didn't want to say goodbye, but I knew I had to say the words. It could be the last time. Even though he was unconscious, I hoped he could hear me, because after our fight that afternoon, when I threatened I couldn't be around him if he wanted to take the drugs, I needed to remind him, I needed to eliminate all doubt, I needed him to know. "I love you." I finally managed. My body started shaking uncontrollably. A tear appeared in the corner of Heero's eye. It lingered briefly and then trailed down his right temple, into his hair. I watched and another one appeared and trailed down the same way. "Heero? Heero?" I slightly shook him, there was no reaction. I lay my head down on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and feeling his shallow breaths. Nothing seemed to have changed, but he was crying, so he had to be awake! I raised my head back up and noticed that his T-shirt was stained dark. With a sinking feeling I became aware of the wet trails down my face, to the point of my chin. It had been my own tears landing on his face, deceiving me. For some reason, that made the tears pour more freely. It hit me all at once. I could lose him. I could be forced to live without him forever. Did he do this to us on purpose? I hoped not, not just for the obvious reason, but also because Heero had the tendency to succeed in most things he attempted. "Please don't die." And then I changed my plea to: "Please don't want to die. Please don't want to die." In the back of my mind, I heard a voice not unlike my own saying: "Are you just suicidal or are you in love with me?" "I know you're not suicidal." Did I? Finally I heard the sound of footsteps approaching fast and just before Sookie and the paramedics came bursting through the front door, I told him again "I love you." and I kissed him on his cold, sweaty forehead. It sounded like a goodbye and it was, I knew I had to, in case they would take him away and I wouldn't get the chance once... once it was time. I was lost in a numb haze when the paramedics took him out of my arms and lifted his body onto the gurney. All I could remember was that feeling, that feeling I had at the end of every shared mission with Heero. That fear that I would never see him again. As I always did, I hoped I would be proven wrong.
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