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"Warheads"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: Post War, angst, fluff, psychological
issues, lemon Pairings: 2x1 Summary: Duo and Heero try to become more than
comrades in their attempt to be normal young men. They settle down
but find that peacetime is difficult to adjust to and with only each
other to rely on, it is a struggle, especially for Heero. " Warheads "
Dawn was never a more welcome sight. Instead of waking up alone, the sunlight filtering through the curtain drew my eyes to head with messy dark hair resting on my chest. A long arm had extended out across my abdomen and slim fingers had a loose grip on my wrist lying at my side. Warm breath spread over my skin in a slow and comfortable rhythm. I couldn't stop the smile from forming on my lips as last night rushed back to me in a succession of flashes, each more amazing than the previous. As if the situation wasn't already approaching a too-good-to-be-true status, I realized with a darting glance to the clock precariously propped up on the headboard above my head, that it was obvious we had missed our window to jog before the heat would build up. It was relieving, even though, admittedly, the last time didn't turn out too bad. Heero stirred, maybe I had done something to wake him. I could not see his face but I knew when he became fully aware of his surroundings after losing himself to unconsciousness. His arm slowly slipped away and he rolled onto his back, leaving my chest feeling empty and cold. "Good morning." I said and joined him in staring up at the ceiling. "Good morning." "That was some night, huh?" I chuckled sheepishly, feeling far too much like a giddy schoolgirl to my comfort. Heero didn't respond, I guess he had no soldier worthy way to react to my silliness. Feeling discomfort moving to occupy the small space between our bodies, I tried to keep the conversation alive, casually inquiring: "Are you sore?" I realized it might be a stupid question to ask. Why would I ask the Perfect soldier that? Why would I start now? I didn't ask him if he was sore when he fell down a rocky cliff to proceed and set his own leg. I didn't ask if he was sore when we plummeted off that railroad bridge and nearly drowned. "No." He answered as suspected. Heero could be bleeding from the jugular and still claim to be just peachy. "Really? Because, you know, usually I leave guys quite sore..." I trailed off, I could kick myself. What kind of idiotic conversation starter was that? Bringing up former sexual experiences after just spending the night with the guy you love? Haven't I learned anything from those pre-colonial romantic comedies? "I'm assuming your comment is an ill-veiled remark about the size of your manhood?" Heero retorted dryly. I would have choked on my own spit if I wasn't acutely aware of how incredibly dumb it was to die like that. My whole mind just blanked at his words, my own string of thoughts completely submerged and drowning in the awkwardness of the moment. My lips and tongue worked tirelessly to regain some composure, but it was a disappointingly futile attempt: "I...uh... uhn..." "Don't worry, you don't have to be self-conscious about that." He assured me monotonously. "Great. Thanks..." I blurted, keeping my eyes trained on the ceiling from underneath crooked eyebrows. Suddenly it dawned on me that it might be best for me to return the gesture, so I said: "Neither do you." The thought of the Perfect Soldier being self-conscious about "his size" was ridiculously hilarious, but I couldn't help but note with an egotistical boost of my own ego that mine was a little bigger than his. Hot on the heels of that was shaming myself for even having noticed the difference. "I know. Relative to my body size I'm actually somewhat more generously endowed than you are." I felt a twitching in my left eye as I broke out in an abrupt but brief coughing fit at his flatly toned observation. Once I had caught my breath, I turned my head to look at him wide eyed and became aware of the mischievous grin on his face. I started chuckling, but it soon evolved into genuine laughter. Heero joined me with his own rumbling chuckles and neither of us stopped it till it died down naturally a few moments later with a deep exhale. I got over the novelty of the fact that we finally participated in the age old ritual between young man of comparing sizes and managed to joke: "Are you always this evil or is it just the sex?" Heero shrugged and didn't waste any words on the matter. I smiled. I liked the vibe between us. It was honest and young, if that made any sense. For a moment I felt we were free from all the seriousness that has been repressing us since a time we only had vague and fleeting memories of. I felt we could just be us, the us we would have been if history had turned out differently. I realized with a bittersweet feeling in my heart, I liked the way we would have been. I hoped we could hold onto that feeling till someday it wasn't a fantasy crossing over from an alternative reality, but the actual truth, the actual us. I learned to dream big on the streets. "I want to come with you tomorrow." Heero frowned. "Because of the size comment?" I chuckled. "No, I didn't mean I want to come with you to see Nettle... I want to come with you to HQ, to talk to Une." I couldn't hide out in our apartment forever. It doesn't work that way. I don't work that way. He tilted his head to look at me curiously. "About what?" "Well, you said that Une would basically offer you any position in the agency. I figured I might check if that offer applies to another Gundam Pilot as well." Heero was quiet for a while and then spoke: "You are very skillful. I'm sure she will hire you." I rolled onto my side and propped my head up to look at him seriously. "I'm not becoming an agent though. When the time comes and they really need us, I'll be there, I'll do what I have to do to make sure that the shit we've already been through, wasn't in vain. But this is not that time." I hoped he would understand and accept that. He just nodded, I didn't really know what that meant. I might have preferred to remain in bed all day but soon Heero felt the need to start the day and I decided to go along. I arranged our breakfast as usual as Heero showered. You never expect life to return to it's normal ways after something important like last night happened, but in reality, nothing can stop the grind of a routine, no matter how much you fight it, you soon slip back into it. When Heero turned the television back to the news channel it felt like a slap in my face, I could feel the sting, but in my heart rather than my on my cheek. Feeling a little discouraged by the lack of epic change that I had yearned for and foolishly had hoped to achieve, I left him to his newsreel and his breakfast and headed to the bedroom. I didn't idle around. I spent a large portion of the day, extending well into the afternoon, scraping candle wax off the nightstand and closet and plucking it out of the thread of the carpet. A tedious and mundane chore, but I poured myself into it, giving it as much focus and precision as I would arming an anti-MS bomb. A clear reminder that I needed direction and purpose in my life beyond mothering over Heero. I didn't emerge from the bedroom till I felt completely satisfied with the result of my labor. The TV was still on, a selection of intelligent and intellectual men and women dressed twenty years beyond their age discussed the topic of Ethiopia, each approaching it from a different viewpoint. I couldn't see Heero anywhere. I peeked into the office, but he wasn't there either. I walked to the kitchen to rid myself of the amount of wax I had collected and when I turned around I found him. He was lying stretched out on the couch, previously hidden by the back of it. It appeared he had fallen asleep. First I grinned when I thought I may have exhausted him last night. But the grin vanished when a more probable explanation came to mind; that he hadn't gotten much sleep after our lovemaking. I worried what might have kept him awake. I remembered our conversation shortly after, regarding the relentlessness of the bad feelings. I wondered if he still had hope, or if he had by now lost it, somewhere along the path that was so hard to walk. I moved over to the couch and my eyes searched for the remote between his limbs. If he wasn't conscious, I saw no point in keeping the television on the Depression channel. I saw the end of the remote sticking out from underneath the pillow he was resting his head on and extracted it as delicately as possible. I was startled by a pair of blue eyes suddenly blinking open and looking at me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." Heero sat up straight and took the remote back from me. "That's fine. I shouldn't sleep anyway." He pushed his bangs out of his face but they fell back the way they were, dangling haphazardly down his forehead. His eyes looked tired in the shadow of his chocolate dark hair, but he fixed them on the screen with diligent determination. I opted for another day of ignoring him and the television - a device that usually brought me much joy - but that tactic hadn't been getting us anywhere, aside from last night, we only appeared to be drifting apart, both of us too stubborn to fight the current. I decided on a different approach. I sat down next to him heavily, extending my arms along the back of the couch, kicking my feet up on the coffee table casually. Heero averted his eyes to gaze at me with a slightly surprised and confused expression, my systematic ignorance of the matter had not gone unnoticed by him, this disruption of the routine threw him off. He looked at me lengthily, paying no heed to the television as he studied me, trying to make sense of this, trying to will a confession of ill-intentions out of me, but I just stared at a screen with a blank expression that could match the best of his. Finally, he sat back himself, his hair tickling my bare arm that was draped over the back of the couch behind his head. The remote ended up on the cushion between us and I had to repress a physical reflex, supported by mental desire, to grab it and change the channel before hurling the thing through the window. I didn't want us to fight, I wanted us to unify, in mind as much as we had in body last night. If that meant me paddling against the current of my own will and wishes, so be it. "Andy, let's be realistic here. His methods obviously could be argued but don't we all agree that a change had to be made? Ethiopia has huge debts, a lacking economy, near monumental unemployment rates, and the previous president, although a good man, was unable to resolve this. Maybe NgGasi's tourists plans aren't as bad as all the media makes them appear." "Oh please, Emory, where have you been getting your information from? AC 187? Ethiopian economy has shown great development over the past two years, but it will all collapse on top of itself if suddenly the plans are drastically changed, as NgGasi is currently doing. Former president Rayan was working on getting Ethiopia established as a great natural reserve, which will draw tourists as well as international funding for the maintenance of endangered species, as well as elaborate research programs. On top of that he had been improving the educational system, so the future generation can elevate the economy. NgGasi on the other hand, greenlights a dam that will leave several large natural reservations without water supply and wants the future generation to clean toilets and serve French fries in Western fast-food restaurants, to the influx of American and European businessmen who will occupy the entire top layer of the industrial landscape." "How wonderfully dramatic Edna. Shouldn't you be holding up pictures of mass graves and starving children during that little speech of yours?" "I don't know Emory, why won't you release some of those photo's, which your department has been covering up." "Rumor! That is a foul and slandering rumor!" I rolled my eyes. Politicians, I thoughts with a shiver. My patience would be severely tested, I knew. I looked over at Heero and noticed a troubled look in his eyes. His lips were a thin line and his eyebrows low and furrowed. I sighed. "Why are you watching this if it gives you a face like that? Don't you already know everything you need to know?" "I don't know why I still watch it." He answers to my surprise. "I guess I'm... I guess I'm disappointed." He elaborated candidly. "This is nothing like the image I had in my head when I fought in the war. People are fighting and disagreeing with each other so much, it's like we are still at war. With everyone. Even with ourselves." I sighed. "I know. But this is not up to us to solve. I don't mean the Ethiopia thing, or just the Ethiopia thing at least, what I mean is that we have no control over fate or politics. Things just go certain ways... and people make certain decisions... It has nothing to do with us." "But that is exactly the problem. There's nothing we can do, we're just helpless. I don't like that." I offered him a sympathetic smile and placed a hand on his knee. "Saving the world is not your purpose in life... Well," I scratched the back of my neck, "it was... twice... But you know: been there, done that. It's time for you to do the next big thing and you can't top shooting a piece of spaceship to bits right before it destroys half the earth and nearly killing yourself breaking into an underground fortress. You have to pick a different category." He looked at me with big, lost eyes and it made me chuckle with a nervous and uncomfortable feeling. He asked the question I anticipated: "Like what?" "Well..." I looked around myself, like the answer would be on one of the empty bookshelves. "You could..." I smiled, "We could... go travel... or, or buy a real house, you know, a proper one. Maybe a fixer-upper... yeah, that could be nice. We could get our hands dirty, rebuilding it. Building a home. And we could make our own furniture. I'm pretty good working with wood you know? I built the Sweeper crew all kinds of shit, desks and chairs and tables... I could teach you." I looked at him hopefully and enthusiastically, losing myself in the idyllic qualities of my little fantasy. I imagined what our small house would look like and I pictured Heero dirty with sawdust, but smiling. It was a great little fantasy. He blinked and looked away pensively. "You seem to really like this idea." His tone cast a shadow onto the sunny picture I was imagining and to save face and avoid awkwardness, I guess I could have lied, but I couldn't deny that it was the kind of life I wanted, even though I never really realized I did. It wasn't fair to either of us to lie, so I told him truthfully: "Yeah. Yeah, I do." He slowly shook his head. "I don't see my life that way." "What do you mean? How do you see your life?" He closed his eyes and seemed to search within himself for a while. When he opened his blue orbs, they looked empty and sad. He focused them on the TV screen, where NgGasi officials were bringing lines of protesters into a prison facility. "I don't see my life at all." Heero admitted. "I see myself doing that," he nodded to the television, "doing something to help them. But after that... everything else... I don't see it." This is the moment I chose to lie for the benefit of us both, with feigned determination I solemnly spoke: "You will." In my heart I felt no such steadfast certainty, but anything else I couldn't bear to say, I had no words for it. I had no words to assure him and I had no words to comfort myself. We struggled our way through the day. I could only guess where Heero's head was at. I myself was thinking a lot about the previous night, about the hope that had sparked and was then crushed. I felt the heavy burden of unasked and unanswered questions on my chest. My faith in my own resolve had been shaken. Previously, I had had such determination. With one hand I would clear the way before me through the rubble that had fallen on top of us and with the other I would pull Heero along, I would pull him to safety. I would get us both out of the debris that was a life and death that I felt we were meant to escape. Even in the darkness I had faith that we would climb back into the light, in some epic, end of the movie scene, when the dramatic but hopeful music starts and the credits begin to roll with a short chronicle of our life after that moment. Now I wasn't so sure. The way was clear, but the weight of Heero as I pulled him with me, became heavier and heavier. How long till I couldn't get him to budge at all? I was anxious to talk to Une. She may not have been the most appropriate person, but at least I always knew her as a person of action, a person who gets things done. I needed someone like that, because I felt myself becoming passive and helpless. I needed her to do something. I needed her to prompt a solution that both Heero and I could make our peace with. I was unsure such a solution existed, I hadn't been able to come up with one, but I wasn't the most clear of mind. After all, for all intents and purposes, whether or not I had my eyes on the light, I was still in that pile of rubble as well. So the next day I tagged along. I killed time till noon and then followed Heero downstairs where a Preventer car was already waiting for us. The luxurious vehicle with leather seats and polite driver brought us over to the Preventer agency head quarters, which looked more imposing than it ever had. The car parked at the front entry, in the shadow of the towering building. We got out, but I looked back at the car. It was no standard issue Preventer agency vehicle, which were much like police cars. It looked like the kind of car they would send for important people. It was the first time I realized just how much the agency valued Heero as an employee. I followed Heero into the building. He announced me at the front desk, declared that I wished to see Une. The receptionist had no other option but to alert Une of my arrival and let me go up, Heero's expression left no room for argument. We got into the elevator and he flashed his card in front of the scanner and stated the desired floor. I felt a heavy feeling in my gut as the elevator ascended. The doors dinged and opened and I prepared to get out. Heero staid behind. "I have to go to a different floor. You know your way around, right?" I looked over my shoulder, it was the floor that Reid Mixson had brought me to that unfortunate evening. I already spotted the hallway that lead past the special agents' offices and to the command center and Une's office. "Sure." I wish I didn't. He nodded curtly and let go of the doors. I watched him disappear from sight. "Hello. Duo Maxwell?" I turned around to a tall, slim man with thick spectacles and thin hair, his suit looked disheveled, he had lost his jacket somewhere during the day, his eyebrows were frayed, from frowning, I presumed, he seemed to be caught in that expression perpetually. "Yes." "Good. I'm here to take you to miss Une." "Really? It's just "miss" now?" He paid me no heed. He walked away and I assumed I was expected to follow, so I did. He took me the way I knew, through the bullpen of bustling activity into the narrow hallway, past all the offices with official looking nametags. The door that used to read "PREVENTER SPECIAL AGENT LEVELT" was blank and the room beyond it empty, even stripped from furniture. We passed the door that read "PREVENTER SPECIAL AGENT YUY" and I briefly checked the handle out of curiosity. It was locked. A note was posted under his sign: "All proposals and requests: redirect to special agent Santiago indefinitely." "Excuse me. Excuse me, sir?" The tall man huffed impatiently. He was already standing at the locked door to the command center, his card at the ready. With a quickened pace I closed the distance and he opened the door for me, pointing me to the office I could have found on my own accord and then he headed in a different direction. I used the unsupervised opportunity to peek around the dark room. On the large, lit up map of the world, the only red light was still the one positioned on Ethiopia. In the corner a small television set illuminated the space with the news channel, two men in suits were standing in front of it with their arms crossed, discussing something with each other. I slowly started over towards Une's office, feeling shivers as I passed the station where I recognized the static to be an old-fashioned Morse coded SOS. I knocked on the doorpost. The door was wide open but still I didn't want to risk intruding. At the knock the Lady looked up from her desk - invisible underneath the many layers of paper - she smiled as her eyes fell on me. "Duo... Come in." She rose to her feet and met me half way. First she offered me formal greeting, but when we had shaken hands, she chuckled and then gave me a brief, tight hug. "It's good to see you again. How are you doing?" She circled back to her desk and seated herself. Her fingers worked to assemble the scattered papers into neat stacks, certain files were turned upside down so I couldn't read their titles. "What's going on?" I sat down on one of the chairs opposite of her desk. She scrunched up her face but sighed and soon admitted in a hushed tone: "We have a team underway to Ethiopia. Just recon, nothing invasive." She said with a meaningless hand gesture. "And we coordinated a ship with the military, to be ready to go up the red sea to supply the civilians with food and water and other basics, but right now there is nothing they can do. Red sea is off limits at this point. But we want them to be ready, you know, when this is resolved..." She trailed off and then looked at me with perplexed eyes. She chuckled nervously. "I don't even know why I'm telling you all this... I certainly shouldn't." "It's okay. Your secret is safe with me..." "Why are you here? Nettle really is the only one who can give you insight into Heero's progress." I shook my head. "I'm not here for that. And to be honest, I doubt she has much insight, but I don't want to get into that right now. I came here for a job." She blinked and mindlessly shuffled some papers around. "Oh. Well, I certainly hadn't expected that. Usually I'd refer an applicant to General Administration but obviously a former Gundam Pilot doesn't have to jump through those hoops. I actually have an empty office, so all it takes is a desk, name sign and a uniform." "No." I rushed, gesturing for her to slow down. "I don't want to be an agent." I explained, with an awkward look on my face. "Of course." She brushed hair out of her face. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed... What did you have in mind?" She was talking quickly and out of breath, she was obviously overwhelmed by the workload. It might not have been the best time for me to drop by with a request, but I didn't let that stop me. I crossed my legs, feeling somewhat nervous and uncomfortable, not really sure what I wanted and what I could expect. "Heero told me that you basically offered him any position he wanted. I wondered if you would make me the same offer." "Naturally. It's good to have at least someone take me up on that offer." "Heero isn't interested?" She sighed. "Well, he was at first. But then this happened." She held up a random folder which I interpreted as a reference to the situation in Ethiopia. "From what little I heard from Nettle, he seemed eager to get back into the field as an agent." "Yeah, that's what I feared." I looked down at my fingers, fumbling with each other in my lap. I suddenly grew bold, directing a strong gaze at her and wondered aloud: "Can't you make him stay here though? Don't you have other agents to deal with this?" Une nodded but she bit her lip and seemed hesitant to elaborate with words. "What?" I demanded. "Look, Duo, of course I have other men who will be able to perform the task at hand. As soon as we have a definitive location on NgGasi, I have the straightforward order to have him assassinated, the only condition being that it has to be plausible that the civilians of Ethiopia did it. It's a tough job but not something impossible for anyone other than Heero. However... I think it might be good for him to do it himself." "You're kidding." I blurted. "Nettle told you this shit?" She looked at me dangerously. "No. If you have forgotten, I didn't exactly sit on the sidelines during the war. I know what it's like to be in the thick of it and I know what it's like to be confronted with your own failure. I am sympathetic to Heero's desire to correct his mistake." "I can't believe this. You want him to go?" I exclaimed. "Don't twist my words, Maxwell, I said no such thing." She warned with a pointed finger. "All I'm saying is, if he wants to go, if he feels he has to do this, I will let him." "What and in the meantime you are just going to postpone the mission? Wait for Heero?" "We will move in the moment we have a window. When we do, I will give Heero the choice to participate, if he declines, we will go without him." She seemed so adamant and sure of everything, like there isn't anything that could happen that wasn't in her plan, that wasn't previously calculated. How good it must feel to stand on such sturdy ground. With a sigh I admitted that at the moment it did not appear they would have to perform the mission without Heero. Une slowly nodded, it seemed she had figured the same. She folded her hands on the surface of the desk, her right hand momentarily breaking the bond to straighten a folder to her right. She resumed her nod, but I had no idea what she was thinking about. The silence between us was thick with our own thoughts. Sounds came through the open door but they merely registered in a muted tone. It scared me to be sitting there. I wasn't afraid of Lady Une and there wasn't anything she could say that could truly frighten me. I just realized that right behind me, right through that open door, people were making decisions regarding life and death and it was nothing but an indistinct murmur, meaningless. It made me feel uncomfortable, but the underlying reason eluded me. I wasn't sure if I was bothered by the fact that I might be getting back into it, or that I ever left. "If insist..." Une started, pausing to get my attention, "I could make sure that he is not included in the mission." Her movements were slow as she turned in her seat slightly and opened a drawer. Out came another folder, unlike all the black ones already littering her desk, this one was blue and instead of the front reading only "CONFIDENTIAL", it read "REINSTATEMENT APPLICATION H. YUY". "He filed this last week... he seemed pretty certain that I would sign it in the near future. I don't have to." She looked up at me poignantly. "If I don't sign this in time, he won't be allowed to go on the mission. If I don't sign it at all, he will never be an Preventer field agent again." I could not deny the sense of relief that filled my heart, even with the gnawing of guilt at my every nerve and pulsing vein. "If you want me to, I'll do that for you. But before you decide I must ask you to consider the question: do you think it will help?" "It will keep him safe!" I blurted and I had to stop myself from reaching for that folder and making sure no one would ever sign it. "Heero has risked his life in many other, much more dangerous situations. Truth be told, I think he'll manage to get out alive and successful once more." Une argued. "I'm not saying this because I so desperately want Heero as an agent." She explained hastily. "Because I don't. Heero is the best at saving the world, completing the mission, there is nothing he can't do, I truly believe that. But as an agent, who is required to work with a partner, who is supposed to follow international rules and orders from some paperpusher, instead of working by the rules of war... I have to be honest, he is not that desirable as an agent." She chuckled and I joined in, because she was right, Heero was only good at following his own logic and the orders he personally agreed with. "But he gets the job done and maybe, this time, he can accomplish something for himself. Let him at least close this chapter and then let him decide whether he still wants to be an agent or not." She reached back into that drawer and another blue folder appeared. "And I thought maybe you could help him, as the only partner he has ever trusted." She pushed the second folder towards me. "I took the liberty of writing this up." APPLICATION PREVENTER SPECIAL AGENT, D. MAXWELL. I stared at it. I was in shock, there were so many thoughts rampaging through my head. "If we both sign that, we'll get you a uniform and an office with a view. Most importantly, you'll have the ability to keep Heero safe." She reached out and flipped open the folder. With a long red fingernail she pointed at a specific line. "Definitive partnership with Preventer Special Agent Heero Yuy." She read aloud. She must have known the words by heart, there was no way she could have read the small print upside down. "You and Heero both can quit or transfer to different departments whenever you want." I exhaled lengthily, one of my fingers was on the folder, just touching it as my mind was caught in doubt. I chuckled sheepishly. "You make quite the talk. You should have been in sales." Une smiled kindly. "How long have you had this?" That questioning finger pulled the folder towards me and then my hands reached out to take it into my lap. "Since Heero came into my office and made a very convincing speech about the Preventers needing guys like him - and you - on payroll. He would have made quite the salesman himself. As I prepared his application form, I figured I might as well be prepared." With a sigh I looked down at the folder in my lap, overwhelmed by the amount of information in that small black print and the mere idea of becoming an active agent. I couldn't tell her what I wanted, simply because I didn't know. I liked being needed and useful as much as to be expected, I just didn't like that I liked it. It was confusing. I had all these cons, all these disadvantages, still they barely weighed up against two very important, but embarrassingly emotional points: wanting to have a purpose and wanting to protect Heero. "I need to think about this." "I understand. Take as much time as you need. Whenever you are ready, for whatever position, you'll know where to find me." She finished with a genuine and reassuring smile. "Thanks..." I shut the folder and my thumb involuntarily stroked the title on the front, feeling a distant kind of pride that I hadn't felt in a long time, but not too long ago to remember it was a kind of pride that came with a sick and heavy feeling in my stomach at night. "While I consider this-" I waved the folder in the air aimlessly, feeling the weight of it even though it was feather light, "is there something else I can do in the meantime? Something to keep me busy?" "Did you have anything in mind?" I didn't. It was one of those moments when you would just wish someone else would make the decisions for you, because it's too hard when it concerns yourself and even harder when you have only yourself to blame in case you choose wrong. "I don't... I don't know... Just not a desk job. But also not in the field..." I scrunched up my face. "If that is even possible?" "Of course. Preventers offers a grand grey area." Une answered with a smile. She looked off to the side as she pondered my request. "We can assign you to one of the maintenance or engineering departments." My ears perked at that. I always liked the feeling of grease on my hands. "That sounds pretty good." "Well what you prefer, construction or repair?" "Definitely repair." She looked at me with a little smirk. "Sounds somewhat poetic and fitting, doesn't it?" I pretended not to know what she was talking about, even though my "fixer upper" would be coming home with me in half an hour. "You can work in the flight hangar as Aero-technician or in the garage as general mechanic and maintenance employee. I'm assuming however that you are not suitably familiar with the SuSo53?" at my nod she continued: "Than you'd probably perform best in the garage. Damaged vehicles and equipment find their way back to us after pretty much every mission, along with maintenance jobs from our ongoing peacekeeping efforts overseas, so we can always use an extra set of hands down there. I'll see to it that you can mostly do projects on your own." "Thanks." "So, do you want me to call administration?" She sounded quite hopeful to have me join the agency, even as just a mechanic. "Sure, that'd be great." "Great. I'll give them a call and set everything up so you can start as soon as you want." I shrugged. "Monday is fine with me." "Monday it is then. If you want you can go downstairs and take a look around, Heero won't be done for a little while anyway and I should probably get back to work." She made an exasperated gesture at the imposing stacks of papers. "Okay. Cool." Without even looking her finger landed precisely on a button of her telephone and she suddenly spoke. "Joseph, come in here please." The tall, slim guy from before came rushing in a few seconds later, looking a little bit flustered. "Yes, ma'am?" She looked at him with a blank, almost cold expression. "Take mister Maxwell down to the garage." She turned to me and said: "I'll have Heero come pick you up downstairs when he's done." "Okay." I mumbled, feeling a little bit rushed, but at the same time, it felt good, to finally get off my ass literally and figuratively. I shook hands with Lady Une, very professionally, but we exchanged kind and understanding looks. I thanked her again for her generosity, but she brushed it off as nothing and then shooed me out of her office with a tiny smile. I followed Joseph back out the way we came in, having to pick up my pace to keep up with him. "So what is it like working for her?" I asked mischievously to kill the short time we had to wait for the elevator. He threw a mean look my way that condemned any possibility of future conversation and I knew better than to push my luck. We stepped through the steel doors, Joseph swiped his card in front of the scanner and spoke clearly "Garage". The elevator went down with a speed that caused a funny feeling in my stomach. "Here we are." Joseph announced with a grumbling tone right before the doors slid open. As it had no fancy name, I had conjured a completely different image of the garage than it turned out to be. Of course I should have known better, considering the kind of facility I was in, but the space that opened up before me was mind boggling. I had no idea how far underground we had gone exactly, but the ceiling was at least three stories high, with large floodlights illuminating the vast concrete area. I estimated to size to be near to three football fields, extending beyond my vision. Sparks flew from several sights where mechanics worked on cars, trucks, hovercrafts and impressive artillery all in different stages between mangled and pristine. Mechanic arms spread cargo of various material and size across the room through a network of steel piping that lined the ceiling. I was jostled back into conscious thought when the doors of the elevator closed behind me. But I soon returned to marveling at the sight before me. "Hey you!" A deep, raspy voice called out and for no particular reason, I felt like I was the "you" in the question. My eyes settled on a tall man with broad shoulders and big arms sticking out of the rolled up sleeves of his black overall, he walked over to me with impossibly long strides. His hair was trimmed military style, but his eyebrows were bushy and exaggerated his frown. He had a sort of wry, stern look to his otherwise solidified features. "You're Maxwell?" He said as he closed the distance. "Yeah." I extended my hand out to him and nearly flinched when he gripped it tightly to shake hands as an introduction. "Hi, I'm Stanislaw." His lips formed in what might have been a smile. "Don't worry, you can call me Stan." "Oh, good." "Une asked me to give you the tour." "Oh..." I was very eloquent that day. "I don't want to keep you from your work, I can show myself around." "No, that's fine." And it seemed like he insisted. He placed a big hand over my shoulder and guided me to my left. As we walked throughout the garage, Stan pointed out all the emergency exits and introduced me to mechanics as we passed by their designated stations. I noticed lines in different colors marking the concrete floor and Stan explained that to organize the large space, the garage was divided into several grids as indicated by the colored marks on the floor. With a tone that presumably indicated a joke, he told me it took "newbie's" a little while to figure it out. He warned me never to venture in between the red lines because those routes were reserved as roads. Once a vehicle is fixed, a mechanic can drive it all the way to the back and park it on the platform elevator to be taken up to the surface outside. Most of my responses consisted of "Oh". "The bigger the project, the more to the back you work, closer to the elevator, to minimize traffic. Une said you'll be working alone mostly, so you'll spend most time in the front working on equipment and occasionally smaller vehicles." "Cool." I said, purely because I had to come up with an alternative to "Oh". Trying to come across as less than a mute than I might have given him the impression that I was, I asked curiously: "So what's all the way in the back?" "Regular maintenance on the mobile suits." Stan answered. "Mobile suits? The Preventers have mobile suits? I thought... I thought..." "It's just in case. They don't use them." "But I thought after that whole Christmas 196 AC incident, all mobile suits were supposed to be destroyed." I remembered with a sting in my heart having to destroy Death Scythe as part of those orders. Stan nodded and casually leaned against the side of an armored truck. "Yes, they were banned, just like Gundanium. But from what I've heard, most missions involve taking Gundanium away from people with bad intentions. They aren't suppose to have it, but they do. What happens if we destroy all our mobile suits and we have to deal with bad guys who have managed to preserve some?" "I guess..." I muttered. I curiously looked around myself but trucks and cars prevented me from seeing anything in the back. I did catch a glimpse of the platform going up. The section of ceiling above it was supported on the platform by pillars and raised up with it. Sunlight poured in. It seemed almost surreal. I suddenly realized how much the garage looked like a facility in outer space. I suddenly became hungry for the feel of sunlight on my skin. "We should probably head back to the main elevator. Une said Heero would come down to get you right about now." Stan started towards the front, from where we had come, zigzagging through the different stations. "You know Heero?" I asked, simply noting the fact that he used his first name, not to mention that he pronounced it correctly. "Sure." Stan looked over his shoulder and this time I was certain he was grinning. "He breaks a lot of stuff." I chuckled. "Yeah. He does that. So what's the most destructive thing you have known him to do?" "Well, I guess there was that time when he drove a truck right through a solid brick wall. Don't really know the details, his report just said: "the door was locked". The front and the engine were totally mangled. I heard from the Aero-guys that he purposefully crashed a chopper to create a diversion. Funny thing is, I think those were the only two times he took anything with him. It's usually just him. No partner or anything." "Yeah, he does that too." "Hard core guy, real tough." "Yeah..." I replied hesitantly, "in a way..." As we neared the elevator, I noticed a familiar pair of jeans and legs sticking out from underneath an armored, camouflaged car. A mechanic was standing by holding a wrench to his chest, rolling his eyes. I smiled. Yeah, he does that too, I thought privately. I stopped next to the car and with my foot I jostled one of the legs. Hands grabbed hold of the bumper and Heero slid himself out from underneath the chassis with an expectant look on his face as I had obviously interrupted him. "Having fun, dear?" I jested. Heero got up to his feet and brushed off the back of his jeans with his hands. "Well, he was looking in the wrong place." He grumbled, to which the mechanic snorted. "Oh please, you spent all of five minutes under there. This thing was blown by an IED, no way it's gonna start." The insulted mechanic argued. Heero looked at me and his eyes sparkled mischievously. In a hushed tone he told me: "It will start." The mechanic overheard him and sputtered: "Fuck you." I placed a hand low on Heero's back and urged him towards the elevator, informing him with a soft tone that I was going to have to be able to work with these people come Monday. Heero didn't push the argument and responded to my lead. "Thanks for the tour, Stan." I threw over my shoulder. "No problem." As Heero and I waited in front of the elevator doors, just quietly standing next to each other, we heard a car starting some distance behind us with a perfectly smooth rumble, followed by a loud, obscene curse. In the reflection of the steel doors I saw Heero smirk. With my elbow I nudged him in the side. "Show off." I accused. In the privacy of the elevator, Heero questioned: "So you'll be joining the agency as a mechanic?" "Yeah." My tone was neutral. I was grateful to have a more useful way to spend my days but I wasn't particularly excited about the job itself. It would be good to work with my hands again, but the feeling that struck me in the garage didn't suit me, too much of a "small fish, big pond" kind of sensation. I felt a little lost and swallowed. "So you talked to Une?" "She informed me briefly over the phone. She called Nettle's office." "Hm." I wondered if I should tell him everything that Une and I had discussed, it seemed to be only fair, as it involved him personally, but the doors opened before I could make up my mind. We were back in the main lobby and the receptionist informed us that our car was waiting for us. In the car I decided to tell him: "Une showed me your reinstatement application." Heero didn't respond. He had the habit of watching the driver like a hawk, if a mistake would be made, he would see it and most likely comment on it. Occasionally his gaze darted past the windshield to the traffic up ahead. "Why didn't you tell me you filed it?" "It was just a precaution." He informed me. "To be ready as soon as Nettle clears me." I sighed, turning my head to look out the side window, a landscape dotted with trees. "You still really want to go on this mission, huh?" "And you still really don't want me to." He retorted. It was a justified observation. He was right. I was scared. I was scared of something I was never scared of before and vowed to never will be. Heero had gotten to me. Without any conscious intent on his behalf he has become a part of me, more and more so each day. The best part of me, I realized, the part I cherished most, the part I feared to lose most. The part I would miss the most. Unfortunately Une hadn't been able to offer me any resolve. Surely she was right in pointing out the odds that Heero would survive yet another mission, but that didn't sway my mind towards his cause in the slightest. No matter how favorable the odds, there is always that chance of failure, catastrophe, death. I was angry with myself for being so cautious and so indecisive, yet at the same time I grinned at the bittersweet irony; I was finally becoming more like a normal person. "Here we are." The driver said and parked the car at the curb in front of our apartment building. He didn't bother to get up and open the doors for us, he knew better. Heero had his hand ready on the handle before the car had even come to a full stop. "Thanks man." I said, my expression of gratitude nearly lost in the sound of Heero slamming the door shut behind him. I caught up with him in the lobby and followed him up the stairs with soft, grumbling curses. He was too damn stubborn for his own good. I staid behind him the entire way up, not so much for the view, that was an added bonus, I was afraid he might miss a step with his ruined knee. The last flight of stairs he didn't walk up as much as he pulled himself up by the railing. "Lunch?" I asked upon the entry of our apartment. "I'm not hungry." I caught him limping and cringing his way towards his regular seat on the couch, where the remote awaited him and without much thought I called out his name. He defiantly turned to look at me. I sighed, I'd almost forget that last night had been the most amazing night of my life, Heero sure seemed bent on ruining the blissful aftermath of it. "Come here. Can we let the TV be for one day?" I practically pleaded. Heero remained impassive. "Come on, buddy, one day." I breathed, no longer pretending not to be desperately begging him. I was relieved when he wordlessly started his way over to me and I fled from his challenging look by wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face in the crook of his neck. Heero was unresponsive for a while, but I melted with relief when he finally reached his arms up over my shoulders and wrapped them around my neck. I liked the way his body pressed up against mine and the way his skin felt through the thin cotton of his dark blue T-shirt and the way his hair and neck smelled like a mixture of soap, shampoo and just him, a scent that made the plain drugstore mixture smell exotic. Heero's warm breath came through the open collar of my shirt and made the hug sheer perfection. I was reluctant to let him go, but I knew I should before he would grow uncomfortable. I drew my arms back and kissed him on his head through his tousled hair. "Let's just go eat, okay." Heero knew better than to repeat he wasn't hungry. He sat down in regular seat at the table, studying the grain of the wooden surface while I prepared a simple lunch of soup and bread. "Are you going to be okay being alone here when I go work?" I asked, dunking a torn piece of bread into the tomato soup. He quirked an eyebrow at me. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" "Just checking." I mumbled. Then I went out on a limb: "You could join me. You are the best. It might take your mind off things." "My mind doesn't need to be taken off anything." He responded matter-of-factly. "Right." I let the silence be for as long as I could stand it. Distracted by dripping sounds as we both dipped our bread into our soup. I allowed my mind to wander and it found it's way back to last night. I wished every night could be like that. Not necessarily the sex, just us being together and us being about something else than we normally are; a break from all the difficult thoughts, unbearable memories and uncertain future. Just us, two people lost in each other, so much so that they are one. Sadly, morning had to come and life becomes complicated once more. "You know, Une offered me another job as well." I started and I waited for him to look up from his bowl. "As a field agent." "You turned it down." A statement, not a question. "Not necessarily. I'm still thinking about it." I said candidly. "I don't understand." There was that little frown of his again, accompanied with a little, confused pout. "You don't want me to go to Ethiopia, but now you are seriously considering becoming an agent yourself?" I allowed a sad smile on my lips. "The only reason I'm considering it, is because you are." "I don't need your help." He muttered somewhat childishly and looked back down at his soup. "I know. I just need you. I need to know you are safe. Even if that means doing something I have mixed feelings about. Even if that means risking my own life." He looked up at me with narrowed, accusing eyes. "Is this just a new way to make me change my mind?" I shook my head. "No. It's my way of having you realize that it is more complicated than you think it is. You think you can just go down there and do this all by yourself and for yourself, but there is one aspect you are forgetting. Me. I just wanted to make you realize that there are two of us now. Decisions you make affect me. Decisions you make don't just determine your life, it determines mine as well." I looked away, pained, from his blank expression it didn't seem like I was getting through to him. I didn't think he was going to say anything, till he suddenly did. His gaze cast far away. "I don't want to hurt you... But I don't want to hurt myself either and all I know is that right now, I hurt. I don't know if this mission is going to fix that, but I have to try." I was amazed by his heartfelt confession. I closed my eyes, to shield my guilty expression, even as he said that, I could not bring myself to earnestly agree with him. All I knew at that point, was that I was fighting a losing battle and I immaturely disliked it. I couldn't help but think that the Ethiopia mission could never mark the end of something, only the start of something. It would only reaffirm to him that violence is all he was good at and all he felt good and confidant doing. Then I would lose him, if not to death than to himself. "You seem upset." He innocently observed. "I am." My admission left him silent and biting nervously on his lower lip. I wanted to apologize, but didn't, my mind just didn't seem to work, leaving my lips passive. All of a sudden I was back in Une's office, the imagination was so real it was completed with the sound of typing and ringing phones in the background. There is a folder with Heero's name on it on the desk in front of me, an offering. The temptation built. "Oh my God!" I exclaimed and I rose out of my chair, burying my fingers into my hair. "What?" Heero reacted startled, he was glued to his seat as he was yet again faced with something to which he had no built-in response or solution. A mixture of feelings and thoughts were evident on his face. "Nothing, nothing." I assured him, making random movements with my hands. It wasn't nothing. The mere fact that I was considering it, felt like betrayal. I didn't like that the thought suddenly came to me and I didn't like that part of me was still tempted to accept. I had been so focused on helping Heero recover from being someone he didn't want to be, that I myself slipped into someone I never wanted to be. This isn't me, I told myself. I'm better than this! "It's just-" I started to Heero aloud, "Une made me another offer. And I just now considered taking her up on it and I don't want that, because I don't want to be that guy." He frowned with utter confusion. Finally, he mumbled: "What was the offer?" I bit my lip, hesitant to confess because I couldn't predict how he would react. "She offered me the decision to allow you on the mission or not." He blinked away every trace of emotion in his eyes and his features relaxed into a blank expression. His stare was empty and disconcerting as he mulled over my words. "There is this form that she has to sign before you are allowed back into the field." I continued to explain. "And she said that she wouldn't sign it if I ask her to. I should have never even considered it! I mean, I don't want you to go, but I should not do something like that behind your back and manipulate your life like that. I will never do something like that and I'm so, so sorry the thought ever occurred to me!" I blabbered. "It's fine." He said. I was a bit taken aback. His emotionless tone stung in my heart. "Yeah?" "Yeah." He answered dryly and returned his attention to the remainder of his soup. I sat back down again, frowning deeply. I was about to continue questioning him when I noticed a dark grin on his face that made me feel sick to my stomach. "You know what?" He stirred his spoon around in the bowl of soup, churning the liquid. He held the handle of the spoon so tightly, I would not be surprised if the metal ended up warped upon release. "Maybe you should decide. Une obviously doesn't value me as an agent. If I'm so useless, maybe I shouldn't go. She probably thinks I can't do it... And maybe I can't. Maybe there is nothing I can do right anymore." "Heero, don't say that." I reached out and placed my hand over his forearm. The muscles felt so tense. "Une has great faith in you. She said that she believes there is nothing you can't do and I do not disagree with her on that. We disagreed on whether or not this mission would be good for you, that's what started it." "You don't think it's going to help? With the things I've been feeling?" He looked up at me with begging eyes, begging for an answer I couldn't give him because I didn't believe it to be true. "No, I don't." I swallowed as I caught a deeply desperate expression in his eyes before he looked away. "I don't think it's going to help. Maybe with the guilt about not being successful last time... but not with the other stuff." I kept shaking my head as I continued: "I don't think it's going to fix the bad memories of your training... and the war..." "Then what will?" He asked without looking up at me. I sighed. "I don't know. It's a long process... Maybe Nettle could help." He snorted. "She's not helping. She's only making me feel worse." I squeezed his arm sympathetically. "I think that's part of the process." He retreated his arm. With his shoulders slumped he announced: "I'm tired. I'm going to lie down for a little while." All I could do was consent and watch his go into the bedroom, closing the door behind him. I felt strange with a myriad of emotions. Mostly I just felt very sorry for him, but I don't think he would appreciate that very much. I thought letting him go to Ethiopia would be allowing him to slip away from me, but, I realized with a heavy feeling, he had long been slipping and I was left with only the most pathetic hold on his fingertips. One must wonder if struggling to hold onto him at this point was the best thing to do. I didn't mean letting him go and ending the relationship, giving up hope, I meant acceptance of the fact that what I have been trying is no longer effective at creating change and instead let him do differently than what I thought to be right. After all, what do I know? Painfully little, a voice in the back of my head supplied. I didn't have anything meaningful to say to him, but after an hour of watching bread dry and soup grow cold, I followed him into the bedroom. I was surprised to find him lying on his stomach on my bed, his face buried in my pillow. Deciding not to comment on it, I toed off my shoes and crawled onto his bed, lying down next to him and looking at him. He turned his head to face me after a long silence and he mumbled apologetically: "My bed wasn't as comfortable." Our bed were identical, but I didn't say anything, I just smiled. "That's okay. I like this bed just fine." The sheets smelled strongly of laundry detergent, I had changed them that morning, to erase the scents of last night. Dirty as it may have been, I wish I could still smell it, our passionate sweat. Last night ghosted through my head. I wanted to recapture that, not necessarily the sexual aspect of it, most importantly, the intimacy, but I felt like it wasn't there between us at that moment. We were lying in each other's beds, only a physical arms-length away, but the separation between our two beds might have well been an infinity of dark space that neither of us could successfully cross. We just lay there, so distant we were almost in our own separate universes. Mostly I struggled to find words with which to span the distance, but words could not build bridges like that. I gave up my vain attempts and started wondering whether I had done the right thing coming clean to him regarding the offer Une made me. It only appeared to knock his last stable leg out from underneath him, only seemed to make him devalue himself even more. Honesty was always the best policy, I've heard that so many times, from so many different people, you almost have no choice but to believe it. If everyone agrees on it, it must be true then, right? I wasn't so sure anymore and Heero's forlorn look fuelled the doubt. Maybe the kinder thing to have done, was never having told him, after all, what good did knowing do for him? And maybe I should have asserted control and made that decision for him, tell Une to leave that signature line blank. That option I threw out the window the moment I confessed to him. If I took Une up on her offer now, he would be right to question her when she would try to cover for me. It was out of my hands now. Une wants him to go. Heero wants to go. Nettle is Une's employee, who is she to deny her boss? There was no one left to stop him. That thought made me feel sick. If I would have to allow him to go, I would have to come with him. I could not stand to watch him walking away from me, going back to someplace he might never return from - and I didn't just mean the physical location of Ethiopia. "Heero." His distracted eyes settled on my face. "I meant what I said. If you go. I will go with you." Obviously he heard me, but he responded in no way, keeping his eyes fixed on mine, the emotions and thoughts behind them unreadable. "But please just think carefully about it. I mean, you don't need to consider my safety, I just want you to really be sure that going is the best thing for you. Okay? No rash decisions." Heero looked away briefly, his features seemed to soften. When he looked back at me I was overwhelmed by my all-consuming love for him, it was almost unnatural, yet my heart warmed when he didn't answer my question, but said earnestly: "Thank you." "Sure." I said casually, even though giving him my blessing to go was the hardest thing I ever did. That cute frown returned to him and he wondered aloud: "Why, though?" "Why what?" "Why would you offer to come with me when you don't want to go and you don't want me to go?" I smiled. "For the same reason you stuck with me that night on the railroad bridge and nearly got pancaked yourself. We're in this together." I studied his thoughtful expression and felt him slipping away from me again. To diffuse the tension, I suggested with an upbeat tone: "How about we get out of bed and watch a movie? I have a really good one from Pre-colony 1993." Heero never did care much for my pre-colony classics, it was a fascination shared by few, I suppose, but he never said no, never even admitted that he didn't like them - even though it was evident - and that is probably the most important part. That he would do that for me. After brief consideration, Heero slowly nodded his head, so we both got up and relocated to the couch. I made sure the ancient DVD-player had completely booted up before turning on the television, to ensure we wouldn't catch glimpses of the news channel. We wasted the rest of the day with a movie, a slow dinner followed by a routinely clean-up and an early bedtime. We lay in our own beds this time. I would have casually tried to make my way over to his side had it not been for the crevasse between our two mattresses; extremely uncomfortable, combined with the risk that the weight of my body might wedge in between the beds, pushing them apart and have me sinking in between them. Heero caught me off guards when he asked, several minutes into complete silence: "Did you want to have sex again?" I rolled my eyes in the dark. Of course I would always want to have sex with him, but I dreaded it becoming a routine, till one day in the future you go to bed and you realize it's the second Friday of the month and you are supposed to have sex. "It's really something that would have to blossom out of a certain moment." He was quietly contemplative for a while, presumably figuring out on his own accord that the current moment did not qualify. "Did you want to?" I dumbly inquired. I promptly envisioned us as this old couple, who sleep in separate beds except for special occasions. I didn't mind the prospect too much, mostly because I was just endeared with the thought of us ever making it to that point when we would be "that old couple". Heero didn't answer. I'm assuming because the honest answer was no only he realized that would offend me. But I shouldn't put words in his mouth. He proved me wrong with a tentative hand slipping underneath my sheets, fingers searching and finding my hand, wrapping around it. I tried to see his eyes in the dark, they were nothing but glistening dots of moonlight blue. I responded to a slight but persistent tugging, crossing over to his mattress, as he moved over to make room for me. We lay chest to chest, our fingers intertwined, faces invisible in the absence of substantial light. I asked him if he was sure and my response was a soft but persuasive kiss to my lips. I didn't give myself time to second guess anything, or wonder why now and why he would initiate it. I wrapped my arm around his slim waist and pulled him so tightly against me one might suspect I was trying to merge our bodies together. I returned his kiss not as innocently as I had received it and the heat quickly built. Our soft pants filling our bedroom. Our arousals enjoying the friction against the other's thigh. I just let it all wash over me. Thoughts were not allowed. With my hands I first caressed Heero's face gently and then moved down to more roughly stroke up an down his sides, feeling the muscles, his ribcage and the heat of his body through the TAMPA HIGH T-shirt that he had confiscated. Heero's hands weren't idle either, he had them against my chest, his thumbs moving in delicious circles that sensitized my bare skin - it had been too hot for a T-shirt for me. When he dragged them down and his rough palms grazed my nipples, I broke the kiss to emit a sharp gasp and I stopped the movement of my hips, realizing that I had almost orgasmed just from the built up excitement. This was crazy. Our love was so crazy. I loved it even though I was drowning in it. "What?" He asked with a breathy voice. I smiled sheepishly. "I just had to take a little break." I responded with a whisper. "Please don't stop." He begged in that same, hushed tone. "Please make me forget again." He finished with light kisses to my throat that sent powerful shivers down my spine. I recaptured his lips in another passionate and devoted kiss, but I became increasingly distracted by the acute awareness of his hard length pressed against me and my own pressed against him. I maneuvered my hips slightly to align the two and we both moaned in unison, so much so Heero might have denied having ever moaned at all. The heat and sensations were so intense, I knew we had to go to the next step quickly, or miss it altogether. I cursed the rules of time and space because the nightstand with supplies was a distance away and crossing it would cost me precious time. It was difficult to break the kiss. Each time I succeeded, I just leaned forward once again to kiss him one last time. Finally, I managed to pull away, rolling my body away so I wouldn't be tempted to immediately dive back in again. "One second." I whispered. I crawled over to my bed and got out on my side. In the dark I groped around, using the edge of the bed and the wall as guidelines to find the nightstand, which was harder than I thought. My briefs giving my erection an unanticipated treat didn't make the matter any easier. I hurried back over with the package and tube clutched in my hands. I bumped my knee against the frame of my bed but I didn't even feel it much, pleasure overwhelmed everything. I climbed back over to him, not really being able to see him in what little faint moonlight the curtains allowed access, but apparently Heero suffered no such handicap. As I crossed over onto his mattress, warm hands slipped around my neck sensually and pulled me down. He met me halfway, sitting up, in a soul searing kiss. Then one of his hands grabbed hold of the base of my braid and pulled on it, pulling my head back and he started kissing my exposed neck, his tongue paying extra attention to the vulnerable Adam's apple. Startled, but pleased by his passion, I was frozen and surrendered to him. I tried to ignore the fact that the dark - preventing us from seeing each other - seemed to have a profound effect on him, allowing him to be more free and expressive. It was a worrisome aspect, but I was young and aroused, sensations from my body made sure my mind had no time to worry. Clothes were quickly and efficiently removed, thrown into various directions. The lamp balanced on my headboard made a thudded landing on my pillow when it got hit by Heero's underwear. I was filled with a youthful excitement and anticipation. This time felt less loaded and heavy than last time. If I tried hard enough, I could pretend we were just regular teens, in regular love. Instead of being the warped characters that we were, brought together by this thing, this force to which we were powerless. His hands were so warm on my body, even when his hands moved I could still feel the heat of his handprint where they had been. They traveled all over my body and seemed to pay curious attention to every muscle, tendon and bone that could be felt through my skin. I kissed him with distracted lips and tongue, my focus more devoted to the sensation of his digits leaving fingerprints all over me, like he finally dared to think of me as his. One of his hands was between my shoulders, feeling the individual bumps of my spine, his other hand was on my abdomen and slowly moving south, causing me to still. Heero responded to my sudden freezing in kind, with the tip of his fingers already at the coarse hairs. We were looking at each other, even though we could barely see each other in the dark. For a long moment it seemed nothing was going to happen, both of us too unsure. But then Heero grew boldly curious and his hand steadily moved further down till finally he wrapped his fingers around my erection. The loose, slightly hesitant hold was enough to make me gasp. I moved so instead of holding myself up over him, I lay next to him on my side, facing him. My arms had instantly become too shaky to support me. His hand was still around me. I could feel his quickened breath spreading out over my face. His instincts had brought him somewhere his limited experience didn't know how to proceed. He seemed to be waiting for direction. With the start of a smirk I reached out my own hand and wrapped it around his arousal that matched mine. His breath was shaky when I gave him a light squeeze. "Like that?" I asked teasingly, slowly running my hand down his length. I felt and heard, rather than saw him nod. I stroked my hand back up to the base and shivered when Heero copied my actions, bringing his snug fist down to the tip and then back to the base. "Yeah, me too." I kissed him with the intent of getting us both out of our heads and into the heat of the moment. I succeeded. His tongue responded to mine sloppily, his breathing through his nose harsh along my cheek. With the building pressure low in my stomach as Heero's hand grew bolder and more inventive, I realized the matter of top versus bottom might not even be an issue worth discussing this time around. Judging by Heero's panting, the tension in his body and the pulsing of his hard and slick erection, he was close too. To make the evening a little bit more interesting than mutual masturbation - even though that had never been as interesting as it was at that time - I angled my hips forward, bringing our pelvises together and our arousals touched and I made slow thrusts that created light friction. We both moaned at the new sensation, our lips separating. I guided his hand to the base of our erections and wrapped his long fingers around the two of them, holding them together. This time when I thrust forward, the friction was more powerful and ultimately more pleasurable. "Is this okay?" I asked, never stopping to wait for an answer. "Nnn." Was Heero's only response and I was inclined to take that as a yes, his mouth searched mine for another deep kiss. While I kept making short thrusts, I placed my own palm over the tips adding to the stimulation. Heero's warm lips covered my own and his tongue darted out to run along my bottom lip and then he softly bit it, like he so often bit his own lower lip. For some reason, out of all the stimulus my body had the joy of receiving, that was the sensation that did it and I came first with a sharp gasp that made Heero's lips disappear. Any fear that he might have hurt me based on my gasp and the following low groan, was probably erased by my warm come coming out against his erection and his abdomen and he couldn't contain a surprised gasp. Luckily, even through the haze of orgasm, I managed to wrap my other hand firmly around Heero's stiff manhood and give him the last few tight jerks that did it for him, catching his passion in my palm to prevent adding to the mess I had previously made. Either way his sheets would have to be changed yet again. Our pants filled the dark room. The sheen of sweat felt cool on our skin. I ran my clean hand through Heero's hair, exposing his sweaty forehead, which I kissed. "That was fun." I said and I chuckled. "Yeah." Heero breathed. We both awkwardly retreated our hands, wiping them on our thighs. I was a little unsure of how to act. Perhaps he expected us to continue, like we had last time after I brought him to orgasm. "We should probably get cleaned up." I suggested, looking down our bodies. I couldn't see much, but I felt come cooling and drying on my stomach and it wasn't a feeling I wished to prolong. With a groan I raised myself and climbed over him to get off the bed on his side. Once my feet were firmly planted and my knees had steadied themselves, I offered him a hand and hoisted him up. Heero was avoiding eye contact and used one hand to pull a corner of the sheet up with him to cover his private parts. "Don't be embarrassed." I whispered. I leaned in and kissed him softly on the down turned corner of his mouth. With my right hand I gripped his wrist and with my left I pulled the fabric free from his hand, draping it back over the mattress. "Let's go take a shower together." I said with a grin that went unnoticed in the dark and I playfully pulled him with me to the bathroom. The light that I switched on was bright and blinding to our eyes which had become adjusted to darkness. We were both squinting heavily, the direct light was the worst, but the light reflecting off the white tiled walls wasn't easy on the eyes either. I reached over and flicked on the small light by the mirror over the sink and told Heero to turn off the large light. The atmosphere became more bearable. The soft yellow light was far kinder to our eyes than the harsh white light and the vibe was more romantic and befitting the moment. I ran the shower nice and hot, testing the spray with my hands firsts to make sure we wouldn't be in for a cold and nasty surprise. When the water was sufficiently heated up I carefully stepped over the edge of the tub and then helped Heero over, making sure the quiver in his damaged knee would not cause him to slip and hit his head somewhere unfortunate. Sometimes the whole bathroom just appeared like one giant deathtrap to me. Getting into the tub you could injure yourself horribly if you slipped and fell with your head against the wall or the metal rack where we kept our shampoos and shower creams. Coming out of the bathtub both the porcelain sink and toilet were imposing obstacles to avoid once in freefall. I didn't care to remember how many almost-accidents I had had in there. I focused my attention back on Heero, standing naked before me. "This is nice, right?" With a washcloth I gently rubbed his abdomen, chest and thighs clean, liking the way his wet skin glistened and how trails of water traveled down his body in varying patterns. Heero didn't respond. He looked like he wanted to say something that I would probably not like to hear, which is why he was biting his lip to refrain himself from speaking. God, I mused, I have learned to read him well... when he allows me to... "What's wrong?" I tried so hard to sound casual but I think even Heero was able to see through this act. "Nothing." He lied. With a heavy feeling I remembered the conversation we had had after the first time and I had a feeling his discomfort was related to the same topic. "Disappointed?" I started carefully, though I wasn't sure for whose benefit I was being careful. He sighed and looked away. Water cascaded down his bangs, covering his eyes. "Heero, you can tell me, please. You can be honest. You would hurt me more by lying to me." He shrugged and remained silent for a while longer, deceiving me into thinking he wasn't going to say anything, but when I moved my hands off his body to wash myself, it seemed to ease his awkwardness and he confessed: "I guess I had just hoped that this time the feeling would last. That this time things would change, because I wasn't as nervous as last time." He suddenly looked at me, eyes slightly widened and mildly hopeful. "Maybe it's because we didn't do everything this time." I sighed, feeling bad about having to deny him his hope, but I demanded honesty from him, so I should return it in kind. "Heero, I really don't think sleeping together is going to help you in that regard." I felt a clenching in my chest when he looked away again. "I mean, I like that you feel better in the aftermath of it. I'm flattered and I'd be happy to help you anytime you want-" I chuckled nervously, "but it's not the solution. I'm sure you'll find a way to hold onto that feeling though. I'm sure one day you'll find a way to keep those bad memories at a distance." Again Heero didn't say anything. He was done talking. For some reason, despite the heat of the shower, the space between us grew cold. We further washed ourselves, not touching each other, not even as much as a brush of elbows. We got dressed in new underwear and headed back into the bedroom. I quickly gathered our discarded clothes from before and assembled them in a pile that I would deal with in the morning and then settled into my bed and I put the lamp back on my headboard. I had hoped Heero would join me as he had before, but instead he opened the closet and got out a set of clean sheets, proceeding to change the sheets of his bed. I offered to help but he declined adamantly, he told me to go to sleep. But I couldn't go to sleep. I just lay on my side, facing away from him, listening to the rustle of fabric as he worked. I felt hurt, even though Heero didn't intend on hurting me. Somehow, we often end up hurting each other despite our best intentions. It could be exhausting and challenging. He finished quickly and silence reigned the room once he had settled under his fresh sheets. I reached up and without saying anything I turned off the light. Lying there in the silence, it didn't feel right. We had so much working against us, working against our relationship; our past; our immediate future; our social skills; society itself... Love was the only thing that bound us and bound us tightly it did, I never wanted that ease up. I never wanted that strength to fade away, because if it did, I had the gnawing, nauseating feeling that we would just violently rip apart - two beings that had been joined as one, that had to separate again. So I rolled onto my side and my hand moved over to his bed, slipping under the sheet where it quickly found Heero's hand. I felt him looking at me, his intense stare fixed on my face. I intertwined our fingers and I told him: "I love you. And I have faith in you." "I love you too." He responded in the dark. But he didn't say anything else, leaving me to wonder if he had faith in himself.
Chapter 33 |
