"Warheads"

Written By: ExecutiveShrimp

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not profit.

Rating: NC 17

Warnings: Post War, angst, fluff, psychological issues, lemon

Pairings: 2x1

Summary: Duo and Heero try to become more than comrades in their attempt to be normal young men. They settle down but find that peacetime is difficult to adjust to and with only each other to rely on, it is a struggle, especially for Heero.

" Warheads "

Part XXXI - Aftermath

I think it was a wayward ray of early morning sunshine that cast light into my dark dreams and guided me to the surface. One moment I was living the dream like it was a horrible reality, the next moment I was staring up at a white ceiling and it seemed like I had lived as lifetime, only to start anew. The crack in the curtains betrayed our private and secluded bedroom to the brightness of sunlight and the world beyond the walls of our apartment. I wished shutting the curtains would shut out all of that, the sunlight, the dark, the world and all it's people, all of the rules and rituals and conventions that man has fabricated for themselves. But everything just rushed in and joined the existing chaos in my head.

I stretched my arms out, moaning softly as the joints popped and gave me an invigorated sensation of sorts, the closest I could come to it. My body slowly started waking up, my mind had never really come to sleep, never found it's rest, it's peace. It's annoying and exhausting but it's a reality I preferred to the one my unconsciousness had just envisioned. I dropped my arms down, my right arm fell down onto the mattress next to my own. My hand found not a sleeping body next to me, but an empty expanse of cold sheets. Even though my heart stopped, my body managed to shoot upright. My eyes darted towards the single bed next to mine and my sight confirmed that it was as abandoned as my touch had previously discovered. Not only that, but the sheets were drawn tight across the mattress and the pillow was fluffed and smoothed. The bed was surreal in it's perfection. Military perfection.

I sat completely still, closing my eyes as I tried to focus on any sounds, but the apartment was completely quiet. "Heero?" I called out with a worried tone to my voice. There was no answer. "Heero?" I called again. I knew it to be in vain, as silent as Heero managed to tread, he was not stealthy enough to go unheard by me when I'm paying this much attention to it. My legs kicked the sheets away from me and I jumped out of bed. I did a quick search around the apartment that looked like it always did; endearingly disheveled, but the most important thing about it was missing and I could feel it in my heart and in my bones. An aching hurt in his absence. Heero.

According to the clock it was still early in the morning, so an appointment with Nettle was out of the question. Considering that recently his therapy sessions were his only motive to leave the house, I was understandably concerned. But my completely understandable concern, quickly turned into unwitting overreacting as I did a second search of every room in what could only be described as a state of panic.

Where could he be? Where could he be? I kept asking myself, because I didn't want to pose the question that seemed truly, frighteningly relevant: Why is he gone?

I sprinted back to the bedroom and dropped down to the floor; the narrow space between his bed and the wall. With a deep breath I turned my head to look under his bed and I let out a shaky sigh of relief when I spotted his emergency duffel bag, to the backdrop of my own. All his clothes were still in the closet, I noted after checking, just too be sure.

"What the fuck are you doing, Maxwell?" I asked myself in front of our closet. I had no idea, I just knew that I wouldn't be myself again until Heero would be back. I took a few deep breaths that should have calmed me but didn't and then made an attempt at my usual morning routine, making myself coffee and having it in front of the large bay window. But instead of relaxing on the windowsill, I found my eyes searching the street, my body becoming tense each time there was movement and then the disappointment when it was just a car or an unfamiliar pedestrian. When I had the same "hope-disappointment" reaction to the movement of a pigeon in the corner of my eye, I decided to step away from the window.

I dumped the remainder of my coffee in the sink because the caffeine was only adding to my anxiety, making me more high strung. I knew what I was afraid of, but I couldn't say it, couldn't even think it and I tried my hardest to keep my mind occupied. I searched the cushions of the couch for the remote and flicked on the TV. The screen lit up with a pre-set channel, it always starts up on the last channel you watched before you turned it off. Lately this standard channel was the news channel and aside from the increasingly mundane high speed car chases and the infrequent, though always heartbreaking appeal of a mother whose child has tragically disappeared, the channel is mostly preoccupied with the situation in Ethiopia, broadcasting every move the new president - already accused to be a dictator - makes.

It's sad to see. What is an ever sadder sight is Heero sitting in front of the television, soaking it all up, taking it to heart. He dies a little bit with each newsreel. Yet he keeps watching it. It seems almost suicidal.

I change the channel to a cooking show, but it's just incoherent background chatter to my own thoughts.

And there is was, all of a sudden, like lighting that is unannounced and speeds ahead of the thunder: the thought. The thought that I'd prefer to abolish, to lock inside a strong little box and tuck away someplace dark forever and never look at, or listen to again.

But there it was.

He has left.

"No." I stood upright, ran my hands through my hair. I stalked back to the bedroom and gazed at the perfectly made bed, so perfectly made it seemed like no one had ever slept in it at all. Even the memory of a sleep rumpled sheet was erased. "No." I said again and I shook my head. I had a nervous, grim smile to my lips. "No, if he had left, he would have taken his bag with him." I knelt down on the floor again, just to make sure my eyes hadn't been deceiving me earlier. This time I touched it, just to be sure. I had not been betrayed, it was still there.

Then why is my heart clenching with worry?

I knew why. I did not need to ask myself. Heero never gets breakfast at the bakery, Heero never goes to grocery store, Heero never goes out by himself. There is no logical explanation for his absence to calm me down.

Sitting on the carpet of our bedroom, I was reduced to a shadow of myself, one I could easily despise. A weak and needy and desperate shadow. It is what my love for him has reduced me to, I realized. There was fear in my heart, because I understood now, more than ever, that I could only be complete with him by my side, without him I was incomplete, broken, and I would wander around as blind and helpless as I would if my very own eyes and hands had been taken.

Love does frightening things to people, you never hope to come to discover those things, but you always run that risk. True happiness can only be achieved through vulnerability, cruelly, the same goes for true heartache.

"He'll be back." I told my wildly beating heart. "I'm just being stupid. He'll be back."

I don't think I believed my own words till only seconds later when physical shock jolted through my body, like when you sink through the ice, as the softest click of the front door registered in my head, fighting it's way to the point of recognition through the knotted mess of strings of thought. I jumped up and headed for the living room. I stilled when I saw him and my shoulders slowly slumped. Relief could be a powerful thing and so heavy it could cripple you. It took all the strength that I had to keep my knees from buckling, even though, with him standing there at the front door looking so matter-of-fact, it seemed silly how worried I had been and I berated myself for it. Though of course I couldn't ignore the fact that something had to be wrong between us, for me to be so terribly worried when he leaves the apartment unannounced.

Heero tilted his head in question. His bangs were immobilized, sweat not only plastered the dark strands to his forehead, but made the entirety of his exposed skin glisten. He was wearing his spandex shorts and a simple black T-shirt that had dark stains on his chest and under his arms. Sweat trickled down his temple and when he pulled up the hem of his shirt to wipe his forehead, revealing a taut stomach and chiseled chest, heaving with pants, dirty thoughts nearly made me forget the tiny early morning trauma that I had just suffered with him inexplicably gone.

He lowered the shirt back down and smoothed it over his abdomen, my eyes following the movement of his hand. "What?" He asked, his annoyed and impatient tone was a thankful mood-killer.

"Where were you?" I asked.

"Isn't it obvious." He snapped. He walked over to the kitchen for a cold bottle of water. He didn't limp, but with each step I noticed the cringe.

"You've been working out?" I continued my inquiry.

He didn't answer, it was, after all, obvious.

"Well... Are..." I stammered. "Are you ready for that?"

Blue eyes glared at me underneath sweaty brows. "I'm fine." He retorted curtly.

His unsympathetic ways irritated me, his cold stare only added to the increase of my own foul mood that soon matched his and I just glared back at him. "You couldn't have told me you were going out?"

He quirked an eyebrow at me and started towards the bedroom, walking by me. With his back turned towards me he bit back: "I don't need your permission to leave the apartment."

"Of course you don't, that's not the point." He didn't pause for our little discussion so I followed him into the bedroom and froze on the threshold as I walked in on him bare-chested, wearing nothing but that excuse of shorts that left barely anything to be revealed. I looked away, so I wouldn't get sidetracked, so my lust wouldn't overrule the abundance of other emotions I was experiencing, emotions that I felt should be expressed. "I was worried." I started with a softer tone, hoping to make him understand. "If you had just told me-"

"I'm not a child, Duo." He interrupted me.

"I didn't say you were!"

"Then why do I need to tell you when I'm leaving? And why are you worried when I'm gone?"

I dared to look back at him. Focusing my gaze on his serious and dangerous face. "Seriously? Why I worry when you're gone?" I snorted. "Of course I worry when I wake up and you are nowhere to be found!" I yelled at him, but only because I was so desperate to have him understand. "Would it have been such a bother to leave a note or something?"

"I would have if I knew you were going to be like this." He practically seethed.

I chuckled darkly. "Oh, no, nono. You shouldn't leave a note because of how I am now, you should leave a note because of how I was five minutes ago. Do you have any idea what kind of things were going through my head?"

"How could I? I'm a social retard, remember?"

His comment stabbed me in the heart like a well-aimed dagger and momentarily my anger bled out through the open wound. "Heero, you're not a retard of any kind."

"Don't." He warned.

"Don't what?" I tried to get closer to him, wanting to comfort him, recognizing pain behind the anger in his eyes. But with each step that I came closer, he took a step back.

"Don't lie to me!"

"Heero-"

All of a sudden his long arms extended out towards me and contacted my chest. With a force that pushed the air out of my lungs he pushed me back, keeping me as far away from me as the small space of our bedroom would allow.

"I can't do this! I can't do this normal world stuff! I do everything wrong! And now it turns out I can't even do a mission right! How is that not retarded?" His voice was hoarse, but his face didn't seem near tears at all, he just looked angry, very angry. The sad thing was, he wasn't angry with me, he was angry with himself. So very angry.

"Heero..." I breathed. I didn't try to approach him, I knew that would evoke the same defensive reaction out of him. I kept a distance, watching him pant from across the room. My heart clenched and bled. I wanted nothing more than to hold him close, but that was not what he wanted. That hurt too. To know that there was nothing I could do for him, to help him, not even the thing that is supposed to help in situations like this. I wonder if Nettle had ever seen him distraught like this and I wondered if she had found a welcome way to react to it and to support him, in a way that he allowed and in a way that could actually make a difference.

I could definitely use the advice, even coming from her, I would accept it, I would try it. Ever since the news of NgGasi's coup d'état, Heero has been especially withdrawn, sitting on the couch with a scowl on his face - disapproval directed inwards. I could tell the issue was bothering him, obviously and the constant news reports didn't help, he flinched with each increase of the alleged death toll. He was deliberately hurting himself, self-administering punishment he was certain he deserved for his failure. He would whip himself if he could and if he had even the slightest inkling that it would hurt him more than the footage.

"Why were you exercising?" I asked slowly when I noticed he started to calm down.

He looked at me sharply. His mouth opened but rather than saying something, he looked away again.

"Heero?"

"I just need to do something!" He blurted.

I knew he didn't just mean anything, to keep himself occupied, he had something specific in mind that he felt uncomfortable sharing with me, even though I could probably guess what he was hinting at.

"I need to be ready." He elaborated, surprising me.

"Ready?"

"Surely Nettle will reinstate me soon. When that happens, I need to be ready to fix my mistake."

Being naively in denial I focused on the lesser important sentence of the two. "What do you mean Nettle with reinstate you soon? Has she said anything? Is she happy with your progress?"

"She can't keep me locked up in her office forever. The Preventers need me."

I swallowed, I wiped my hands on my sweatpants, they were suddenly sweaty. "Do they? I thought... I thought you weren't sure about whether or not you'd be an active agent again."

"Well that decision has been made for me." He responded adamantly.

"That is not a decision anyone can make for you. Only you can decide." I tried, ignoring the part of me that knew arguing the matter would prove to be hopeless.

Heero snorted, he didn't respond, he didn't have to. I guess we both knew what he had to say about it, the only difference being I thought it was wrong and he was convinced it was right. I didn't think he was wrong in his assumption that, to some extent, he was needed as a Preventer with skills and bravery - I prefer the term "suicidal stupidity" - unrivaled by any man they can train for their cause. However, I didn't like to believe that they needed him for everything, especially this mission, which is obviously becoming a personal sore spot for him, for reasons with which I could empathize. I felt like they should learn to make due without him, without all us Gundam pilots, even though that may make me cruel and selfish, but how else will they ever learn to deal with the extreme threats to peace if we keep jumping in and saving the day?

Besides, dire as the situation in Ethiopia may be, it is straightforward in the sense that they only need to cut off the head; the evil, obnoxious head. Surely this the mighty Preventers could do by themselves without the Perfect Soldier holding their hand? I was being bitter and cynical, but I was right, the Preventers may need Heero's - or all of our - help one day, but this was not the day. Heero just liked to pretend it was, so he could be free to act out his revenge, something I knew from personal experience, not to be very helpful nor healthy.

"Heero, I'm not saying there is a Preventer Agent that can replace you and do everything that you can do, because that is not the truth. But I doubt the agency doesn't have agents capable enough to perform this mission."

"They will just screw it up, like Levelt did." Heero gritted through his teeth. "If NgGasi survives another assassination and again discovers a link to the Preventers, the RUSA will have a war on their hands."

"Maybe they won't screw it up."

"They will!" He yelled at me, his eyes black and dangerous.

"Well, in case you've forgotten, Levelt isn't the only one to blame, there were two of you when that mission got totally fucked up!" I shouted back viciously. I guess there is no more offending thing you can say, shout rather, to the Perfect Soldier, but I wasn't really thinking, or maybe I was and I did it on purpose, purposefully trying to crush his confidence, so he would leave the mission to be completed by others. Was my unconscious that wily? Honestly, nothing dark coming out of my own mouth surprises me after being the God of Death for so long.

My remark had startled Heero, his eyes were open wide, but his mouth was sealed shut tightly. Slowly, his eyes narrowed, not to adopt an angry look, but a shameful and pained one. The corners of his mouth turned down. He didn't defend himself, he didn't contradict me. He agreed with me, he felt like an utter failure and I had just shouted the confirmation at him.

Great work, Maxwell, I scolded myself inwardly, looking at my torn boyfriend. I sighed and rubbed my fingers in my eyes, how am I supposed to fix this? "I'm sorry Heero... I didn't mean... You didn't fuck up, you did what you could."

But of course he didn't believe me. He wouldn't have before and after what I said, he especially wouldn't believe me.

"I have to make this right. I have to undo my failure!"

I was taken aback by his outburst, I scrambled for words of consolidation, but it was useless. I fell back into my carefree-Duo routine, not really knowing what else to do. I offered him a smile and started with hesitant optimism: "Come on, Buddy-"

"Forget it." He snapped. "I'm going to shower." He stormed off into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him, the sound of the lock falling into place was deafening to my ears.

What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to say? A part of me wanted to support him in his quest to avenge his failed mission, but that is the vindictive, violent part of me that, at the climax of the war, I intended to neglect. The other part of me wanted to discourage any behavior of this sort, wanted to keep him with me, close to me, where I knew he would be safe and where I could protect him. Heero has contradicting parts to him as well, a part suited for battle and a part that is meek and careful and wanting something else, some other life. The strange thing was, the two parts that I consisted of, both could only see the part of Heero akin to their own. There was no logical way to figure this out, to rationalize which part of Heero I should focus on, I was too divided.

I guess you could say my head understood and was willing to support him, but my heart could not accept this, too afraid to get broken.

Instead of standing around, adding a feeling of uselessness to my already torn and confused state of mind, I got dressed in casual wear and went out for my bagel run, chasing some normalcy that I will never be able to achieve, like the horizon that is always there to see, but never within reach.

In the bakery I got my cheeks pinched and my shirt straightened before she shooed me back home with our free breakfast.

I had been gone no more than fifteen minutes, but in that span of time Heero had showered and hastily dried himself and had secured his position on the couch in direct view of the television. He was leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees. He stared at the screen intently and seemed oblivious to my arrival back home, although of course nothing goes unnoticed by the perfect soldier, except perhaps my heartache.

I held up the paper bag. The scent of the freshly baked bagels wafted through the air and was spread through the apartment by the draft of the air-conditioning. "Got breakfast."

Heero didn't even look up.

With a sigh I retreated to the kitchen to prepare our breakfast. In the background there was indistinct talking, coming from the television set, voices that were sometimes interrupted by the rush of large vehicles passing them. I carried our two plates into the living room and briefly paused mid way, curiosity got the better of me and forced myself to look at the screen. The reporter holding the microphone was familiar, she had been covering all the onsite news in Ethiopia. She was standing by a dirt road and her straight black hair whipped around her face as a large truck passed by her.

"- wasted no time. As you can see behind me, construction vehicles are already underway, president NgGasi wants the dam to be completed by AC201. Once the dam is built, the other 900 kilometers of the Awash river and the interconnected lakes that rely on the in stream of water from the river, will go dry, causing desperation in the many villages downstream depending on the flow of fresh water. NgGasi wants the water to be rerouted through canals towards the larger cities. He announced this plan as part of his vision of making the cities of Ethiopia both tourist and corporate hotspots, but disgruntled civilians are accusing him of eradication. The poor villagers who have been living a traditional life dating back to PC times, cannot afford to move into the cities, let alone face the radical cultural change. They are basically left to die upon the completion of the dam."

"Here." I pushed the plate towards him. He accepted it without even looking at me, but he didn't eat, he put the plate on the coffee table in front of him and kept his undivided attention on the news report. I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear, trying to find some place to put my frustration, so it wouldn't burst out of me in unintentionally nasty ways. Poking a finger at my bagel, I quickly realized I wasn't hungry at all and the information presented on the TV didn't help in the least. A computer generated image of a region of Ethiopia, showing where the river once was and where it would be going. Dozens of dots along the black line indicated settlements that relied on the river they were established next to, but would be drastically affected by the projected change. No water meant no crop, no crop meant no food, no food meant no life.

Will there ever truly be a just peace? I asked myself. Or will it always be this grand scale chess match played by opposing bullies? So what if the Preventers would kill this asshole and appoint a decent guy? Wouldn't it be true that at some point, in some place, some other douche with misplaced sense of righteousness will make the same mistakes? And then the board is just reset and the game begins anew.

Peace took so much work, it was discouraging. Things seemed so easy during the war. You had an enemy and he was standing right across from you and you could either defeat him, or be defeated and you do this time after time, till the war comes to an end and you don't ask any questions, like "What happens when the war ends?" We had been working towards it like a destination, but, it turns out, it was only the starting point for a different kind of battle.

Relena had it all wrong. She loved a peace that never existed and never will.

"I can't believe you're watching this shit." I commented.

Heero didn't respond, he kept his eyes trained on the screen. He would for the entire day.

Another morning, another empty, cold bed beside mine. It didn't worry me anymore, yet my heart kept skipping a beat, I don't think I'll even get used to waking up next to an empty spot. It was very early, earlier than I would normally get out of bed. But once I'd become aware of his absence, I couldn't sleep anymore. I jumped into jeans and a T-shirt, I knew the lady would be at the bakery, even at this hour. I had to wait a little while for our bagels, looking around the shop as behind the partition I heard her muttering to an employee in an incomprehensible language and sometimes he chuckled in response.

The employee came out to meet me, holding my bagels for ransom till I would give him a handshake. He was slight but handsome and had a friendly, freckled face with an honest smile. The bakery lady was still mumbling in foreign tongue.

"What is she saying?"

The young man shrugged and spoke matter-of-factly: "I have no idea, I don't speak Greek."

At that I raised an eyebrow. "You just pretend you understand her? Why don't you just tell her you don't understand a word of what she's saying?"

His smile brightened. "If talking in her native tongue is what she wants, why would I dump on that? I don't necessarily have to understand something to let it be."

Wow, he might as well have hit me on the nose with that bag he was holding. Before he could perform more Jedi mind tricks on me I bid him goodbye and thanked him for breakfast. The lady called from the back: "Bye!"

"Bye." I excused myself.

The whole way home I spent denouncing his logic. Starting with the obvious argument that the two situations could no be compared, letting someone talk gibberish is a far cry from letting someone go behind enemy lines to execute a heavily protected dictator. Even though it felt like the universe was trying to convince me I should let him deal with this the way he saw fit, I could not accept it. It only made me angry, I felt like Heero was trying to make me out as the bad guy for not supporting him on this matter, making snide comments for the past two weeks and otherwise avoiding all communication except for the infrequent lingering and questioning stare.

When I came back I heard the shower was running and Heero's running shoes lay strewn by the door, like he had just kicked them off. I made breakfast, despite that fact that food didn't seem nearly as popular as of late. Heero seemed too occupied and reluctant to eat anything and my personal concerns at the sight of him caused such a big lump to form in my throat that I couldn't swallow anything. But to keep up pretences, I made prepared two plates and two generous mugs of hot coffee, finishing up just as he emerged.

"How was your run?" I inquired casually, not looking up at him because I hated how arousing he looked when he just got out of a hot shower, with his hair still damp, his skin glistening and his face flustered. Unbeknownst to Heero, I had called doctor Borland of the Preventer agency a few days ago. With Heero's avid exercise routine I was afraid he was running his knee to hell, but the doctor glibly informed me that Heero's knee was healing at an impressive rate. Go figure. It seemed Heero's body was as determined to proceed with this self-appointed mission as his stubborn mind was.

"Fine." He grunted. He sipped the scolding hot coffee.

I wish he would stop it, I wish he could turn this focus elsewhere, but I knew better than to wish for silly things. All I could do at this point, was try my best not to be excluded from his life and bide my time till he was ready to accept the logic that he did not need to do this, he did not need to push himself like this. He owed no one. So in an effort to maintain our precariously constructed relationship, I offered to go with him on his run tomorrow. Maybe in part because I couldn't stand waking up to another empty bed.

He glared at me skeptically. "You aren't going to slow me down are you?"

I shook my head. "I promise."

"And you aren't going to try to talk me out of it."

I chuckled breathlessly. "Heero, you know that if I want to keep up with you, I have no breath to spare for talking."

All he said was: "Good."

"So I can come?" I asked to clarify.

"Sure. I leave at five am."

My eyes might have popped out of my eye sockets, but I managed to contain them and coolly remark in a flat tone: "No shit." I glanced at the clock quickly, it was almost seven thirty AM, deducting the short time Heero would have been home by the time I had gotten back from the bakery, it became apparent that he had been running for more than two hours. The early hour became the least of my concern. I hated running. Couldn't imagine lasting for two hours, physically as well as mentally. "Why so early?" I tried to keep the conversation alive, seeing as it was the first we had had in what felt like ages of solitude.

"Beating the heat." He explained curtly.

Okay, so that made sense. "Not just beating the heat, beating the sunrise."

"Do you want to come or not?"

Something dirty sparked through me. I did, I really did. "Yeah. I do. Really!" I insisted as he raised an eyebrow at me. Heero left me alone at the kitchen. When he switched on the TV a shiver went through my body. It was starting to become an obsession to him. I wondered if he had been honest to Nettle about this behavior. Surely she could distinguish a slippery slope from a minor speed bump?

Heero spent another day tending to his obsession, soaking up all the information. He was one step away from making notes, but of course he had photographic memory, so that step was redundant. I spent the day tending to my concern. To distract myself I cleaned the apartment around him and gingerly started work on the laundry again, though I hated doing the laundry. I ignored Heero because I knew it was futile investing attention. Sometimes I caught him looking at me, but only to satisfy his curiosity as to what I was doing. As soon as he noted I was merely dusting or doing the dishes, he would look away. god forbid he would offer help, that would call for interpersonal interaction and he had no interest in that lately.

I was right there on that slippery slope with him. I ran the risk of resenting him. It didn't matter that I recognized his feelings and empathized with him. I had different expectations of this life and before this mess, at least it seemed like we were both working towards that common goal. Now it seemed like we were turned in different directions and in our effort to pull the other along in the direction we wanted, we ended up shuffling down some path that neither one of us was keen on taking. I felt like even though this failed mission was hard to confront himself with, Heero was taking the easy way out by turning back to his work, because that is something that we both knew he could do. I felt like he was running from himself and giving up on us. And surely, in the meantime, Heero felt like I was taking the easy way out, by ignoring this horrible news from the outside world and not forcing myself to face it and not to dare to do something about it.

There were a lot of misunderstandings between the two of us.

The day came to an end. The apartment was organized but my head was as much an interwoven mess as it was before. After spending the day living next to each other, rather than with each other, we met on opposite sides of our joined beds. I looked at him deeply, hoping he could see in my eyes that there were so many things I felt that I couldn't voice.

But Heero looked away and crawling into bed he suggested: "You might want to set your alarm."

I kneeled on the mattress and grabbed the alarm clock still balanced on the headboard in the absence of a nearby nightstand. I set it to a quarter to five, I didn't need much time. Seeing that "04" on the digital display had my stomach churning. I might as well drop down right now. Two hours of running before my body was even ready to accept the black muck that we call coffee, was going to be hell. But that's what you do when you are in love. You do stupid stuff, anything really, just to get closer.

I settled into bed and switched the light off.

Neither of us said anything, like we hadn't for a while now. Heero turned his back towards me and I assumed he promptly fell asleep, his breathing evened out. I didn't believe that because we didn't say "I love you" anymore, it meant that there was no more love between us, for each other. I did believe it was testimony of the troubles we were going through, individually and together. It hurt, but we would have to work through it.

I don't think I had caught a wink of sleep when all of a sudden, in the darkness of the bedroom, my alarm started blaring. I flung an arm up and it took several random hits to get the right button. Heero had gotten up a few minutes prior. There were slivers of light between the doorpost and the door to the bathroom where he was getting changed.

I got out of bed and ripped the curtains open. It was still dark outside. The sun wouldn't rise for at least another forty-five minutes or so. I picked a comfortable set from the closet and waited for Heero to come out of the bathroom. Normally I wouldn't mind, but right now it just didn't feel right to have him walk in on me butt naked as I was getting dressed.

"No spandex?" I noted when he passed me by. I shouldn't have been disappointed, it would have been distracting to run after him for two hours long in those skin tight shorts. The pants he was wearing fitted him nicely as well, but not sinfully so. Of course, he would even look good in a potato sack fashioned around his hips.

"They're in the laundry."

"Right." I left the door to the bathroom ajar as I changed, to let him know that I wasn't shutting him out. I got changed hastily, brushed my teeth and braided my hair tightly, so it wouldn't come undone during the run.

I said I wouldn't try to talk him out of anything, so I didn't. I silently followed him into the dark and let him lead the way through abandoned streets and peaceful park trails. As was ever the case with Heero, there was no warm-up, he started to sprint and I followed him, whatever pains I felt, I reminded myself that Heero's knee must be hurting like a bitch, but his stride betrayed no pain and so I figured I could bite back my own.

The night had been hot and humid and it had lingered on the ground. Even before the sunrise, it was warm and the sweat on my back was seventy-five percent effort, twenty-five percent heat, but those numbers were flexible.

The sun finally peeked over the horizon and the black sky turned to pastel shades of pink and vibrant shades of orange. The display of color was quickly muted by the overpowering blue of the sky as the sun rose higher and higher. With the sunrays on my face, the heat rose and not solely because of the direct warmth on my exposed skin and black clad torso. In the light of day Heero's figure running ahead of me was clear to my eyes, the sight lost the mystery that it held illuminated by the sporadic streetlights, it became... exciting and truly something worth chasing after. The percentages of effort dropped quickly and were replaced by sweat and heat caused by being aroused. Luckily not in the obvious, physical sense, that would make it considerably harder to run.

I focused on the way his hips moved as he ran, sometimes trailing my eyes down his long legs. My hormones were not sensitive to the fact that our relationship was going through a rough patch, they ran amuck in my body. It wasn't so difficult anymore to keep up with him. Reverence stole over me - however cliché that was - when the heat of the environment caused Heero to take his dark grey shirt off. Keeping his pace, he peeled it off his body and over his head and he tucked one end of it in the back pocket of his pants. The sway of the grey fabric only enhanced the rocking motion of his hips and his bare back of golden skin was exposed so the movement of the muscles in his back and in his shoulders could be admired.

"Holy shit." I muttered under my breath.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah." I managed.

Heero rounded a corner and I came to the grateful conclusion that we were heading back towards our apartment after almost two hours. I didn't know how much of this kind of torture I could stand before a situation in my pants would cause me embarrassment. I was in dire need of a long, hot shower. Unfortunately the last hundred yards may have well been a vast distance. I watched Heero jog in front of me in slow-motion, enthralled by the elegant way with which each part of him moved. I remembered how soft his skin was and how hard his muscles. Maybe there should have been, but there was no shame as I fantasized privately. How long had it been since the last kiss? Too long. Always too long but especially now. It just hadn't felt right getting close to him as he was so obviously rejecting closeness, feeling comfortable with the distance that had been created between us.

Of course my body paid no heed to that and I didn't know how much longer "long showers" could satisfy my desire. It was true torture living with the object of your affection and attraction, but feeling unwelcome in his personal space.

Heero slowed down as we neared the door and I caught up with him. When we entered the lobby he suggested we'd take the stairs, but I said something foul and breathless and pressed on the control panel of the elevator. "You know I can't keep this up if there isn't someone chasing me with a big gun."

"I could bring my gun next time if you want."

I snapped my head back at him. Heero's face was impassive, but I was pretty sure he had just cracked a joke. Instead of trying to get him to own up to his dry humor, I used the opportunity to secure this new step back towards the closeness we had once shared, not so long ago: "You want me to come with you again?"

The doors opened and Heero stepped inside. "If you can keep up." He remarked.

I followed him into the elevator. Even though I dreaded making a routine out of these morning runs, I knew a little cardio would do me favors and, more importantly, it was one of few chances to be with Heero without the damned background chatter of the news channel. "Deal." I breathed. I rested my hands on my knees, leaning forward and tried to catch my breath. My face was red, but that was a different matter, that had more to do with Heero's reflection in the steel doors of the elevator.

Heero pulled his shirt out of his pocket and used a dry spot to wipe the sweat from the back of his neck.

I scraped my throat. "Mind if I call dibs on the shower?" I croaked.

His vibrant blue orbs sought eye-contact in the reflection. "No."

"Thanks."

Upon entry of our apartment I rushed into the bathroom, to hide my recent "embarrassing situation". As I had caught my breath in the elevator and my heart slowed down, I guess blood was free to be disbursed elsewhere. I hoped Heero hadn't seen, it might be natural, especially for guys our age, but I felt awful with guilt. I shouldn't be thinking these things and my body shouldn't be feelings these things, but it appeared I had no control over it, there wasn't anything I could do but discretely take care of it. My body was obviously not restricted in any way by the rules of engagement of this relationship, but I didn't want Heero to feel forced into anything. He didn't seem ready, he certainly hadn't been seeking contact as I had retreated over the past few days.

I stripped my clothes from my body and it felt like the purest of freedom. I blushed at the sight of myself in the mirror and was determined to deal with it quickly. My hand had not much appeal, it was more of a quick fix than leisurely enjoying something. I turned the shower to a soothing, warm temperature and adjusted the spray to it's maximum, so the beating of water on the porcelain surface of the bath tub would drown out any mutters that might escape me.

I was more embarrassed than turned on, it's not particularly arousing to be a slave to your body's needs, but they were needs regardless. As I touched myself, it felt better than I had remembered, it always does. I lost track of my surroundings, giving in to carnal pleasure. I couldn't even be distracted by my braid trailing down my back, getting soaked, which meant it would be a tangled mess by the time I was finished. I let out a soft moan and was startled by how loud it sounded echoing off the tiled walls. I bit my lips, but there was no stopping them as the pleasure built. When finally a moan sounded way too much like Heero's name to be a coincidence, I was embarrassed, but there was also a sense of relief. I said his name again and just his name spilling from my lips sent shivers down my spine and intensified the feeling centered in my crotch. "Nn... Heero..." I became familiar with uttering his name, something I hadn't dared much before. I pretended my hand was his and the visual that that idea supplied made me gasp and whisper his name once more.

I neared my climax quickly, a strike to my ego, but I was way beyond the point of no return. I was so focused on the little fantasy of Heero jerking me off, that I didn't hear the sound of a turning doorknob, of the door I had neglected to lock.

"Where you talking to me?" Heero stopped short in the doorway, the doorknob in his hand, his eyes were wide as luck would have it that the shower curtain didn't obstruct his line of sight. A blush touched his cheekbones.

I froze, my erection still in my hand. I was about to let it go but it all happened in a split second, before my distracted mind could even process the entire event.

Heero found his voice but not his words. "Uh..." Then he abruptly turned his head away and took a step back, pulling the door with him, shutting it with a snap of wood on wood.

After he had left, I could breathe again and I used that air to say: "Oh fuck..." Not only had he just caught me masturbating, he had also obviously heard me say his name, otherwise he wouldn't have opened the door. Getting walked in on solved my situation in a less satisfying manner than I had hoped for, but whatever did the trick. At least I didn't have to worry about it anymore. I closed the faucet and jumped out of the shower, nearly slipping on the wet floor - as I had forgotten to properly close the damn shower curtain - and nearly killing myself most unceremoniously in the process. I had no clue how I was going to fix this, but I knew I had to go talk to him, if only to let him now that I didn't stay in the shower to finish off what I had started. I wrapped a big towel around my hips, tightly so there was no risk of it slipping off. That would honestly be mortifying.

I opened the door and found the bedroom empty so I headed out for the living room. Heero was standing in the open space of the room, looking more shocked than I had ever seen him, but of course it was an understated expression as always. My mouth opened to say something that I hadn't really thought through as carefully as I should, but Heero beat me to it.

"I'm sorry." He spoke hastily, his widened eyes avoiding eye contact. "I heard you say my name, I just thought... I thought you were calling me."

"Heero, I'm sorry." I started, I hadn't really figured out the rest yet. "I... uhm..." I scratched the back of my head. My whole face felt hot with shame. With the worst timing ever, I realized he was still only wearing his pants, his sweaty upper-body exposed. The sight made it even harder to find the right words. I sheepishly opted for: "It doesn't have to mean anything."

Heero blinked and finally looked me in the eye, with a serious face he questioned: "But it does, doesn't it?"

I shook my head, denying it even though he was right. "No, it doesn't mean anything."

"So it doesn't mean you want to have sex with me?"

I was shocked at his bluntness and it made me stumble for words even worse. "Uh... Mmm..." Realizing that I could not fashion a decent lie, I answered honestly: "It means I want to make love with you."

"By your distinction I presume there is a difference?"

I chuckled nervously. "Yeah, there is."

"How is it different?" He continued with a serious face.

"Uhm..." I shrugged, not quite sure how to explain it, I didn't truly believe that lovemaking could be captured by words, but I knew he was going to make me try, so I might as well give it an effort. "The technicalities are all the same, but you can have sex with anybody, you can only make love with someone special, someone you care more about than anybody else. Those feelings that you have for that someone, elevate the whole experience, makes it intense and makes it about more than just the body. So, by definition, we would never have sex, it would always be making love, because you are that someone for me."

"So, you want to make love with me?" He verified with a softer, kinder voice. That slight, curious frown returned to him and I realized I had missed it, it made me smile.

"Yes." My heart beat wildly with anticipation for his reaction.

"I thought that maybe you didn't want to anymore." He cast his gaze down, his face was flushed. "You haven't seemed very interested lately."

"I haven't seemed interested? What about you? You spend the entire day in front of the TV." I stopped myself, before this would turn in yet another argument.

He nodded, almost shameful. "I just don't... I just don't know how to initiate it."

"It?"

He looked at me poignantly. "Contact..."

"Oh." I grinned, "Well, it really isn't that hard. I usually just do it like this." Feeling bold, I closed the distance between us and placed my hand on the back of his neck, pulling him flush against me. I leaned down and worshipped his lips with a lengthy, open-mouthed kiss. "I'm not very subtle when it comes to stuff like this." I jested once we parted.

Heero's breath was hot and rushed against my face. "This doesn't change anything. I still want to go on that mission."

"And I still don't want you to." I replied sternly.

Before any ill feelings could rise to the surface again, Heero raised himself up on the tips of his toes, supporting himself with warm hands on my bare shoulders and kissed me deeply and passionately, with a sense of desperation and need. It had never occurred to me that in spite of everything going on in Heero's head and between us, Heero's body was dealing with the same raging hormones as mine was and it turned out even the soldier could not nullify those urges. And maybe it was fuelled by his need to know that I still wanted him, no matter what had happened to him in his past.

I couldn't even begin to explain to him how much I wanted him.

Heero wrapped his arms around my neck and I cupped his ass strongly, grinding our hips together. I grinned inwardly as I discovered we were both in that certain "situation". It took every bit of discipline I had not to lower my towel and Heero's pants down to our knees to make the body contact even more interesting. Heero loosened his arms around my neck and slid his hands down my chest, the light touch over sensitive skin was delicious and Heero's palms simultaneously grazing my nipples sent jolts through my body. His hands trailed to my sides, under my arms to settle on my back.

It was all becoming a little bit too much and I feared that the friction with the fabric of the towel, caused by the slight gyrating motions of our hips might push me over the edge. Reluctantly, I ended the kiss with a final, chaste peck to his full lips and held him back a little bit, so cold air could rush between our bodies and cool us down a little. "We should stop..."

"You don't want to do it now?"

I swallowed. "It?" I asked again.

Heero didn't answer and that, in itself, answered my question. "I didn't think that... I didn't think that what we just said meant..."

"You were thinking about him." Heero accused me and pulled back a little.

"No! No, I wasn't!" It was a breakthrough in itself that that was true. "But I... are you sure you're ready?"

"I want to do it." He stated. "I want to make love."

The way he said it, didn't feel right, but I couldn't place the feeling and I quickly became distracted by rampaging thoughts, leaving me utterly flabbergasted.

"We could do it tonight. There is something I want to do first."

"Uh..." How could I possibly respond to this madness? Were we really setting a time for this? And what is it that he wanted to do first? "Heero, isn't this a little crazy? We can't plan something like that."

"But I prefer to plan it." He said a little meekly and he looked at me like he really wanted me to agree to it.

I presume my hormones took over and make me say: "Well, okay... We'll do it tonight." My brain couldn't have possibly been involved in the agreement, it was still too bewildered to make any sort of sensible combination of words.

And just like that, we had scheduled our first time. I almost felt like I had to write it down in my day planner, or ask what exact time he had in mind and which location.

Once the awkwardness and forcefulness of the arrangement had come and gone from my mind, it dawned on me that maybe he was right to insist on planning it, even though I had some difficulty accepting that. It was so anti-romantic, so unnatural, but at the same time, it was logical and responsible, everything Heero is. Setting a date for it might be the only way for him to properly prepare for it, rather than waiting for it happen, wondering when it was going, wondering if he was interpreting my signs correctly, wondering what he should be doing. I suppose to someone with as limited social skills and barely apt at reading body language as Heero, it could be difficult to judge where a kiss or a touch was leading. If you don't know where you are headed, I imagined it could be challenging to react. If it's heading towards sex, you might respond to a sensual touch in kind, even up the ante a little, take it that much further. If it wasn't supposed to be a more than a fairly innocent make-out sessions, your touch be best reserved.

It was a very rational decision for him to make. Maybe that's what bothered me, that his cold rationality would even invade and control our love life, if we couldn't expel it from there, we couldn't expel it from anywhere. It would always be there, hovering over our heads, affecting everything, guiding everything through previously set structures of conduct.

That was my rational - though tinted with emotions - respond to all of this.

Of course I had an irrational response as well and that response was more positive; it was excitement. I couldn't deny that I had been waiting for and dreaming of us taking this step for a long time and the prospect of finally going there, across that line, was enticing to say the least. Enticing enough to make me bottle all personal concerns for the remainder of the day.

Heero and I took turns showering, with no more awkward run-ins. After a breakfast of fruit and yoghurt, because I was in no state of mind to go for a bagel run and be confronted with that doting grandmother kind of personality, Heero settled in front of the television, much to my dismay, but I chose to ignore all the bad signs and focused on other things. Even though Heero had taken the romantic spontaneity out of what would be our first time together, didn't mean I couldn't try my hardest to inject some romance back into it. I wasn't sure if Heero would even appreciate my efforts, but I knew I would feel better. So I spent most of the day discretely fussing over our bedroom, which I presumed to be where it would happen. It would definitely be the most comfortable place and it would suit with Heero's archaic and unimaginative ways of tackling this. I don't think Heero had even considered the possibility that sex could be had anywhere other than in bed. That thought made me smile, even though it was a little sad.

I changed the sheets on both our beds so they would be crisp and fresh and we could properly get them dirty. I had cleaned the bedroom the day before, so that saved me some work. The next step was retrieving the supplies I had previously gotten in the anticipation of this event from the night stand that was currently far away from either sides of our beds. I got the lubricant and took a condom out of the box, walking them over to the beds. I had planned to hide them under my bed, just within reach, but sitting on down the mattress, I realized I wouldn't be able to get them if we ended up on Heero's bed. The only place I could put them where they would be readily accessible, was underneath my own pillow. I grimaced at that, but reluctantly realized it was my only option.

When I was done, it wasn't enough. Looking at our bedroom, without any decoration or warmth, it didn't feel right. I didn't know why I was so taken with making this as special as I could. Being with Heero was special in itself. I was probably just determined to make this as different as possible from his first sexual experience that almost went badly awry.

I made a grocery list as an excuse to get out of the apartment. At the store I got the basic supplies that I had jotted down, but made an unregistered detour to aisles of the large multi-purpose supermarket I had never visited before. Beyond the power tools, screw drivers and lawn mowers, was the home decoration section. Scanning the shelves, I was completely lost. All those trinkets that I absolutely saw no purpose for, a veritable zoo of stainless steel miniature animals, stained glass partitions and decorative - fake - books to fill empty shelves and "impress guests with your intellect!"

I tapped a young employee on her shoulder. "Excuse me, where can I find candles, or something?"

She smiled politely at me. "I'll show you, follow me sir." She guided me to the end of the aisle and then left, to a corner where shelves were stacked up to the ceiling. It was a six by three meter section of candles in every shape, size and color and with varying scents. Even fake candles I noted, just a plastic cylinder with a little, flame shaped light bulb at the top that started flickering at the press of a button. "Did you have something specific in mind?"

"Actually, I had hoped the search term "candle" would be specific enough." I deadpanned.

"Well, we have all kinds of sizes to fit every candle holder, but you can also combine different kinds and make a plate of candles. These are floating candles, you can buy basins of different depths over there. These melt cleanly, but these, as they melt, have their sides peeled away, it gives a very rustic look." She gestured rapidly from left to right and up and down as she spoke. "We also have a wide selection of colors to match your interior, or a certain mood you are trying to set, but cream candles are the most popular, they have a very classic look."

"I don't know what to say." I stared at the daunting task before me. "But I guess "Help" would be a good place to start."

The young woman, a little older than me, chuckled. "Well, what is the occasion?"

Couldn't well tell her I had a sex-date, so I answered: "A romantic evening." In a way it was the truth, or so I hoped.

"Aww. That is so sweet. Is it a dinner or...?" She grinned at me.

"Uh... just romantic..."

She winked at me "Gotcha. Well, like I said, white candles are always a winner. I'd suggest these, they burn with a delicate scent of lilac. But you could try other scents-"

"No!" I proclaimed, not willing to start on that whole wall of different scents. "I'm sure lilac is fine. Just give me a bunch of those."

"Do you want different sizes?"

I stared at her blankly. "Should I?"

She nodded and she already started selecting a multitude of candles of various shapes and sizes, from thick and short to thin and tall and everything in between.

"That's quite enough." I said as the basket was starting to get heavy. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She beamed. "Have a wonderful evening."

I sure hope so. At the cash registry I was shocked by the prize of the candles, but was too embarrassed to put some away, also, can't be cheap when dressing up a night like the one I was hoping for. Feeling silly, but, in a way, successful, I left the store with two heavy plastic bags, one with the actual groceries, the other filled with candles. I didn't get anything else, I was probably overreacting as it was, add flowers or rose petals and I'd be starring in an extra cheesy movie.

When I came home, surprisingly, Heero had vacated his spot in front of the TV. As I put the groceries away, I heard him typing away on his laptop, my heart wrenched. He was likely doing more research on the conflict in Ethiopia, maybe even already mapping out his strategy. So that was the thing he had to do... I pushed all unwelcome thoughts away and snuck the second bag into the bedroom, which wasn't hard, Heero's focus on his laptop could not be deterred.

I placed the candles at random on the nightstand, on top of our closet and in an out of the way corner where there was no risk of knocking them over. I brought a lighter over from the kitchen and put it in my drawer of the nightstand.

As the evening drew closer, I started to experience a mixture of nervousness and excitement. I didn't allow myself to be bothered by my doubts, I tucked them away and let the anticipation build. I fooled myself into thinking that making love could elevate our relationship not just in the physical sense, but also offer Heero something that I could consciously never do with words. Part of me, naively, hoped that it would cure him to some extent, make him see the light, make him become more comfortable with himself, with me and with us. It was a remedy too easy to be true, but I wanted it to be so, so badly, that hope overpowered rationality and that which I should have known to be true.

It was childish to be putting so much weight on a sexual act, but I couldn't help it, especially in light of the fact that everything else appeared to have failed.

I looked my work over one last time, closing the door not just to hide it, but to drown out the sounds from the television as Heero had turned his attention back to the news channel, like an addict.

I looked at the beds and was overwhelmed by flashes of what this evening could turn out to be, I saw our naked bodies together on the bed, holding each other close, exchanging long and deep kisses, hands wandering everywhere without boundaries. I could almost feel his lips to mine and his hands sliding over my skin. I nearly lost myself in the fantasy, but the front of my jeans growing tight and restricting around me resurfaced me. I looked down at myself, a little sheepishly. The anticipation and the excitement could quickly become too much, I recognized and then the night would be over before anything that I planned for and hoped to happen, could. I decided to eliminate some of the pressure and urgency I felt by feigning a second shower of the day. I turned the faucet open to full power, but I didn't check the temperature, I had no intention of getting in. This time I remembered to lock the door.

I sat down on the closed lid of the toilet and pushed my jeans and underwear down just enough to expose the important bit. Unceremoniously, I started touching myself, the pumping of my fist quickly becoming furious and desperate. Bringing myself to completion was no difficult task with the prospect of what was to come. I imagined Heero's lips against my own, his tongue battling with mine and his warm hand replacing the one currently in my lap, his long, slender fingers wrapped tightly around me, his thumb expertly teasing the tip of my erection.

With my free hand I covered my mouth, as I felt it becoming impossible to keep quiet. The rough fabric of my jeans was chaffing the skin at the base of my erection but even that slight pain could not make me last any longer. Deep, muffled moans made their way through my palm but were drowned out by the water falling from the showerhead. As I neared my release, I started pushing my hips off the seat, into my hand. It was instinctual, animalistic. The added dimension to the friction was all it took. I bit down on my forefinger and middle finger as I came, breathing deeply through my nose. I enjoyed the short but intense orgasm as long as I could, lazily stroking myself. I hadn't even noticed that I had closed my eyes, but when I opened them I discovered just how intense it had been as I looked down at myself. My softening member still clutched in my hand, that was trembling with the intensity, I noticed drops of come on my bare arm and stains on my T-shirt as high up as my collarbone.

"Wow." I appreciated breathlessly. I definitely succeeded in taking the edge off. I tucked myself back in my pants and got up. I turned off the shower and realized that without damp hair, it would seem questionable that I had actually showered, but I could pretend that I had my hair pinned up to keep it from getting wet. Stealthily I exited the bathroom and opened the closet for a clean T-shirt. The stains of my own passion really stood out on the black fabric. I took the dirty T-shirt to the laundry room, for once grateful that the laundry was my responsibility. I wasn't terribly embarrassed, I just wouldn't feel comfortable to have Heero clean my come stains off my clothes. Curiously, I had never come across an article of soiled clothing of his, but of course the perfect soldier didn't spill anything anywhere he didn't want it.

With the shirt securely stuffed in the hamper, hidden under Heero's jogging pants from that morning, I walked back into the living space, hoping my face only felt hot and wasn't actually as blazing red as it felt.

"Any preferences for dinner?"

"It's Wednesday." He commented.

"So?"

"You always order from that Italian place on Wednesday."

I smirked. "You noticed that huh?"

He glanced at me briefly with a look that implied: Duh, nothing gets by me.

I chuckled. "Okay. No objections?"

"Of course not, it's just another Wednesday."

My heart ached a little as he said that, but nothing a deep breath couldn't solve. "Right." I walked over to the phone and dialed the number I had memorized. Soon, dinner was on it's way.

To diffuse some of the formality of the evening, I didn't set the dinner table, instead I laid out placemats on the coffee table. "We're not going to watch that shit during dinner." I said adamantly, nodding at the television.

Heero glared at me but he didn't argue.

I bent down and got the remote from the cushion next to him and switched the channel, in search of something light and optimistic. I settled on a random movie. Considering the time it was playing and the fact that I had never heard of it, it couldn't possibly be any good, but anything would be better than the damn news or infomercials. It was only supposed to be a distraction for the tension and awkwardness anyway.

Twenty minutes later I went downstairs to accept our meal from the delivery guy at the front door, tipping him generously and brought it back upstairs. When I sat down next to Heero, I noticed his nervousness, it radiated from his being. His movements were stiff and sometimes poorly coordinated, his mind appeared to be elsewhere and I wondered if it was in a good place. He clumsily knocked over his glass of water as he reached for it, mumbling several apologies as he hurried to dry the surface of the coffee table with the supplied tissues.

"It's okay." I tried to reassure him, grabbing a tissue myself to help clean up the mess. When it was all dried up, I took the soaked tissues to the kitchen to throw them out and brought back a new glass of water for Heero.

He took it from me and emptied the entire glass in a single effort.

I smiled compassionately, he was clearly anxious. I didn't know if it meant he was ready or not. It was normal to be nervous about your first time, but what was too nervous?

We cleared away the dishes after a quick and quiet meal and I sat back down on the couch.

Heero, however, had other plan, he stood by me and looked at me intensely, a stern gaze that poorly hid the uncertainty in his eyes.

"What?" I dumbly asked, looking up at him.

He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and took a deep breath that sounded shaky. "Shouldn't we go into the bedroom?" He suggested with a soft voice.

Instantly my heart started beating wildly. "... You want to do it right now?"

Heero appeared a bit taken aback. "I thought that if we waited too long, we might be too tired." He explained innocently. "Did you want to watch the rest of the movie?"

"What? No!" My hand blindly groped around the couch for the remote and I turned the television off. I remembered the candles, on which I had spent so much money, I could not let it go to waste, even if I started to feel increasingly insecure about the plan. I jumped to my feet and told Heero to wait here for a little while.

He quirked an eyebrow at me, but obliged, waiting where he stood as I went into the bedroom.

I got the lighter out of the nightstand and lit all the candles, trying to keep my focus as I felt hurried and nervous and excited simultaneously. When I was certain all the candles were lit, I was somewhat impressed with the setting I had created, the candles provided a nice warm glow and even though it was cheesy and an utter, inexcusable cliché, I did have to admit that it looked romantic. It was the best I could do. I put the lighter away and went back to get Heero.

"What were you doing? I heard you cursing." He said as I approached him.

"Uh, yeah, couldn't get the stupid lighter to work."

Heero frowned deeply.

"You'll see." I reached out my hand, inviting him to take hold of it. He did and when he held my hand and looked in my eyes, I suddenly wasn't nervous anymore. Instead of thinking of all the things that could go wrong, of the many way in which I could fuck up, I only thought of us, together. Hope pushed everything else away. It made my head much quieter and my heart much calmer. I smiled at him and led him to the bedroom. I felt silly standing there in the doorway with him as he took it all in.

"Why did you do this?" He questioned without any negative nor positive disposition, looking around the room.

"It's romantic."

"It's hazardous." He commented dryly, but he looked at me with a kind expression.

My smile was beaming, my heart was fluttering insanely. I was either extremely happy or about to drop dead from a cardiac arrhythmia. Whatever the case, it felt deceptively good.

We idly stood in the doorway, both of us unsure how to proceed, but I assumed I was expected to take the lead, so I did. I pulled him towards the bed and said down at the foot end of my own bed, looking up at him with a smile that I hoped to be reassuring.

Heero stood in front of me, hesitant, his hand felt sweaty in mine. "Do you want me to undress?"

I shook my head. "We'll work on that along the way... Sit down."

He slowly sat down next to me, wiping both his hands on his dark jeans drawn taut over his thighs.

I scooted a little closer to him, till we sat hip to hip, the entire length of our legs pressed together, down to our feet. I titled his head and kissed him slowly, not involving the tongue for the time being. Leaning against him I could feel his whole body was stiff except for the part of his that was supposed to be. His response to my kisses, though favorably, were unfocused. I pulled back. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes." He seemed confident in decision.

"Really?"

"Yes! Stop asking me!" He snapped, looking apologetic immediately after.

"Okay, okay..." I shushed. "I just want you to know that we can stop whenever you want to..." With a grin I added teasingly: "But I hope you won't want to."

He nodded but apparently could say anything intelligible.

I had him place his hands on the mattress so he could lean back on them comfortably, making it easier for me to lean in and kiss him. I started out gentle and relatively modest, only moving my lips against his, waiting for him to relax. When there seemed to be progress, I licked his lips and after some sensual persuasion he opened his mouth to allow me access. I quickly lost myself in the taste of him and electricity shot through me when he became more curious with his own tongue and the kiss became like heaven.

I brought my hand around and rested it on his thigh, my fingers extending down the side of it, between his slightly spread legs. I carefully massaged the strong muscle through the fabric, but my hand froze when I felt Heero shift. I was afraid I had moved too quickly and he would have me take a step back, but instead he had brought his own hand up. First to cup my cheek, then to slide around my neck and press my lips tighter and more urgently to his. His fingers delved into my hair at the base of my braid.

My hand on his thigh grew bolder, rubbing back and forth, dipping down his inner thigh, feeling the warmth of his body. I slowly worked my hand further up his leg, curious to feel if Heero was as aroused as I was. I stopped briefly with my hand in the crook of his thigh, but I abandoned all careful contemplation, if I kept second guessing myself, it would never be the way I imagined it.

Heero surprised me as he moaned quietly into my mouth when I rubbed my hand between his thighs, not disappointed by his aroused state. Overwhelmed with lust I pushed him down onto the mattress and moved to lay half on top of him, one of my legs between his thighs, most of my weight supported on one hand as the other kept touching him through the front of his jeans. Our kiss became sloppy, but possibly the hottest kiss we had ever shared, both uninhibited and shamelessly pursuing sensation.

Heero shortly worked both hands into my hair and I could feel some strands pulling on my scalp, but it only gave me delicious shivers. He quickly realized he could use his hands far more interestingly, so he let one draw down the front of my shirt, curiously exploratory. There was a moment of hesitation when his hand was at the hem of my T-shirt, but with a sudden surge of determination he slipped his hand underneath and his fingers moved up my abdomen, lingeringly feeling the shape of the muscles before sliding around to my back, pulling me against him.

I felt incredibly hot and the urge to shed pieces of clothing was indisputable. I raised myself up on my knees, leaving Heero to stare up at me in surprise at the sudden loss of contact. I smiled at him and grabbed the hem off my shirt, pulling it over my head and then throwing it to the floor, mindful not to throw it in the direction of any of the candles. I remained upright for a moment longer, enjoying the way he looked at me while he was pretending not to.

"Move a little further up the bed." I told him.

Heero toed off his shoes and did as he was told. He lay back down with his head on my pillow and abruptly formed a frown. He propped himself up on one elbow and I felt my face becoming red without the mother of all irrational blushes when his hand disappeared under my pillow and he pulled out the tube of lubrication and the condom. "This is what you went to the grocery store for?" He asked with a monotone.

"Uh... no, I went to the store for the candles. I actually... I got those quite a while ago, when we first talked about having sex."

"Oh." He moved to put the products on his bed, out of the way. "So did I." He admitted matter-of-factly.

I grinned through my shock. "You bought condoms and lube too?"

He shrugged. "It seemed to be the responsible things to do."

My smile brightened. I leant down to continue our kiss, quickly making us both forget about the short conversation. Still up on my knees, I had both hands available so I hungrily moved them over his chest, becoming intrigued by the stiff nipples that stood out through the fabric of his thin, cotton shirt. When I stimulated them with my thumbs, Heero's loud gasp broke our kiss. He looked at me with wide eyes and flustered cheeks, perhaps more shocked by the sound he had made than the sensation. I smirked at him and started our kiss anew. Heero was considerably more uncoordinated whilst I pinched my thumbs and forefingers around his nipples and teased them relentlessly. As I continued the pleasurable torture, Heero could not maintain the kiss. He angled his face to the side and bit his lower lip. His eyes were squeezed shut tightly.

Offering him time to catch his breath, I ceased my assault and instead moved my hands down his stomach with feather light touches.

"You're so hot." I admired, looking down at him.

Heero nodded, his head still turned away, his eyes closed. "I feel very hot."

I chuckled, obviously he didn't understand what I meant by my comment. Rather than explaining it to him, I helped him find relief from the heat he admitted to feeling, pulling off his shirt and throwing it to where my own had landed.

I started at his jaw line and kissed my way down his torso, my whole body tingling with anticipation, my erection nearly painful in the confinement of my pants. I sat back down on my calves and undid the button of his jeans, noticing him raising himself up to look at me through heavy lidded eyes. Keeping eye contact with him I carefully lowered the zipper, in the silence I could hear the movement of the metal teeth as they were released. Once the pants were undone, I placed my hands strongly on his hips. Heero understood what I wanted and lifted his hips off the mattress just enough for me to pull his jeans down and peeled off both his socks in the process as well.

Left in only his black boxer briefs, clinging and straining around his arousal, he must have felt terribly exposed and vulnerable, but his eyes were calm and trusting and that reassured me and gave me a warm feeling in my heart to match the hot sensation coursing through the rest of my body. I briefly got off the bed to strip down to my underwear as well - it was relief to get out of those jeans - before kneeling back on the bed just as I had.

Sitting back and studying his features, I touched him through his underwear first.

Heero closed his eyes and lowered himself back down and brought his hands up to bury his hands in his hair. His mouth was open to emit loud pants.

At this juncture I was quite a bit uncertain myself. Oral sex was one of the few things I skipped out on during my experimental teenage years with the young, adolescent members of the Sweeper's crew. I had never done more than a curious lick across the tip during an otherwise plain hand job. I simply never wanted to that for them, it made me feel vulnerable and like I was being taken advantage of. Now, I realized with flushed cheeks, I was eager to do more than just a single lick.

I carefully pulled off his underwear and it followed the path our shirts and jeans had previously taken.

I bent down and started by taking the base of his erection into my hand, giving it a few tentative strokes to familiarize myself and get my bearings. I looked up at Heero face and found him staring at me, the curiosity in his eyes clouded by lust. I dipped my head down and gave the head that first experimental lick. I felt Heero shudder violently and he barely managed to swallow a moan. His sensitive reaction boosted my confidence.

Heero couldn't hold back his moans any longer as I grew bolder with my mouth and started to discover the best and quickest ways to drive him mad. But he kept fighting them, keeping them as quiet as he possibly could.

I realized he was close to climaxing and knew it would probably be best if he did, to relieve him of the tension he must be feeling. I proceeded by focusing on the areas and methods that he seemed to enjoy most judging by his muted reactions and the writhing of his body.

Between deep breaths Heero suddenly gritted through his teeth in a deep voice: "Duo, stop... Ah... I'm going to come..."

I paused my actions long enough to say: "It's okay... it'll help take the edge off."

Heero hadn't been lying when he warned me, it only took a few more downward strokes with my mouth to bring him to orgasm, with a low groan coming from deep down his throat.

I spat his come out into my hand. I wasn't very keen on swallowing it, even though it didn't taste as badly as I had thought it would. I reached next to the bed and grabbed one of our shirts that had landed there. I think it was Heero's, but I didn't let that stop me from using it to wipe my hand, grinning as I did so. I was the one who had to clean it anyway and besides, it was his come. I dumped the shirt back down next to the bed and used the opportunity to rid myself of my own underwear before crawling back up his body, giving him a lazy kiss to share with him his taste that lingered in my mouth.

I lay on my side next to him, kissing his ear and neck as my fingertips drew patterns on his chest and abdomen that caused him Goosebumps. We waited for some time to pass, allowing his body time to recover and he seemed pleased enough enjoying the aftermath of his orgasm. After several minutes had passed, my touch became more urgent again. Even though my arousal was happily sandwiched between my stomach and Heero's side, it was throbbing for release and I'd best oblige. Kissing him deeply I used my hand to ease Heero back into the same needy state.

In a split second I decided that I was going to let Heero top. Personally the top was a position I preferred, but I trusted that with Heero it would be good either way. My undeniable motivation for my decision was the fact that I had to take care that he didn't feel forced into anything. I wanted him to have complete freedom and offer him some control over the situation, to help ease him into it and make sure nothing would be done that he wasn't ready for.

With that decision in mind, I rolled over onto my back and pulled Heero along with me, maneuvering him to lie on top of me.

Our lips parted and Heero looked down at me curiously. I hope he understood what I was offering with him above me, lying in between my spread legs. I didn't regret my decision, I happily sacrificed the added pleasure I'd experience as a top for his comfort.

It seemed he understood. He lowered his mouth back onto mine, but the kiss was not the same. He wasn't as relaxed, nor as confident. He hands moved down my sides but whereas he had been doing so well before, it appeared like he had suddenly forgotten how to touch me, his movements were awkward and more hesitant than they had ever been. I took a little bit more initiative, taking control over the kiss. When he seemed to become more comfortable again, I broke the kiss and reached for the condom, just to make sure there wouldn't be any confusion about the positions. I handed it to him with a wink.

"Put it on." And again to make sure, I clarified: "Put it on your dick." Something surged through me as I said that, it was dirty, but hot.

He took the condom and sat back, his elbows occasionally brushing my raised knees as he fumbled with the wrapping. He wasn't making much progress, it didn't appear like he was even giving it much effort. He was more fidgeting with it than trying to open it. "I..." He started, but his voice was hoarse. He scraped his throat. "I don't know how to do this." His voice was barely more than a whisper this time around.

"Oh... That's okay. I'll open it for you." I reached out and took the condom from him, blabbering as I did, to diffuse the sudden awkwardness between us of which I didn't yet understand the cause. "You have to find the right corner where there's like a little bite out of it, from there you can easily rip-"

"That's not what I meant." He interrupted me.

I stilled just after ripping the package an inch open and with my erection painfully hard I suddenly worried it was going to go to waste.

"I don't know how to do... this... I mean, I researched it this afternoon so I know the technicalities, but I just don't... I don't know. I just assumed-" He stopped himself and bit his lip, that adorable nervous habit of his.

So that's what he was doing on his laptop today. I had to fight a pleasantly surprised smirk. "You assumed what?" I encouraged.

His expression was openly embarrassed as he admitted: "I assumed that you'd be... doing that..."

There was no fighting the smirk now. "That I'd be on top?"

"Yes." He cast his gaze to the side.

"Do you want me to be?"

He was silent for a heartbeat or two and then directed his gaze back at me. Fear of rejection joined the embarrassment on his face. "Yes." He breathed.

I sat upright and put my hand behind his neck to pull him down towards me. With the tips of our nose touching, I said: "That can be arranged." and then I kissed him deeply and lengthily. I reached out and gave him a few playful jerks to help him back to a prominent state of arousal after losing that to his uncertainty and then flipped us over. Heero landed on his back on his own bed and I positioned myself on top of him, settling myself between his spread legs. Our chests were flush against each other and our heartbeats felt as one.

I admired his body with my hands and with my mouth for as long as I could stand it with my erection dripping with need between my legs. When it started to become too much, I searched for the condom and ripped the package all the way open. I looked him in his eyes intently and for one last time asked him if he was sure.

He could only nod.

I focused on putting on the protective latex - a necessary precaution even though Heero was a virgin and I had always been careful, we could never be sure what the scientists exposed us to with the way they pricked and prodded us. Then I reached for the lube and poured a liberal amount of it onto myself and then spreading it with my hand. With my fingers slick with lube I prepared Heero quickly.

When I deemed him ready and I was crazy with lust, I hooked my hands under his knees and pushed them up towards his chest, granting me better access. My face hovered above his, his breath felt hot washing over my cheeks. I let go of his legs so I could lean my weight onto my arms and without any direction or urging, Heero wrapped his long legs around my hips.

His pants were short and shallow, his arms stiff by his sides.

"Try to relax." I whispered and placed a light kiss on his lips. I reminded him: "If you want to stop-"

"I'm ready. Please..."

I angled my hips and pushed forward, but he was so nervous he was too tight for me to enter him. Even just pressing against him was almost too much stimulation for me to handle. I breathed deeply through my nose, calming myself so it would last. To help him relax, I distracted him with a passionate kiss, my tongue toying with his.

When he finally relaxed enough for me to push inside, he let out a loud moan in a high pitch. Embarrassment instantly settled over him. He tilted his head to side and closed his eyes, like he didn't want to be there anymore, too ashamed. His fingers were clenching around handfuls of the sheets, gripping it so strongly he would nearly rip them.

I took my time completely pushing inside of him, not repressing any of my own moans, hoping to let him know it was okay - desirable in fact - for him to express his pleasure.

He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, the only sign that the penetration caused him pain. Muscles and tendons in his neck strained and stood out as he turned his head away even further, burying the right side of his face in the pillow.

To stop never occurred to me, that may have been selfish, but I knew at that point, for me, there was no turning back. Turning back meant undoing something that we both needed and it would break something between us that might never be fixed. I trusted that he knew his own limits and dared to speak up if they were being trespassed.

Allowing him time to adjust, I leisurely kissed his cheek and neck and licked his ear teasingly. When I pulled my face back to look at him, I noticed his eyes had opened slightly, narrow slits of intense blue peered through the thick curtains of black eyelashes. His mouth had opened as well, his lips parted temptingly. I looked at him for a long time, certain he could feel my gaze burning, but he didn't look back. Not taking it personally I kissed his cheek one final time - gentle - and then slowly started to move, building a rhythm my body was instinctively familiar with, rather than by extensive practice.

The moment I moved, he squeezed his eyes shut again and closed his mouth, his lips became a taut uncomfortable line across his face. I knew him to be able to handle pain better than this, I knew it was more the emotional aspect, than the physical aspect, that had him hurting. So I didn't stop, because it something he would have to work his way through. I started to lose myself in the motions of my own hips. Heero did not shy away but he didn't encourage me either, yet even with him impassive, it was the best sex I ever had - I could safely conclude that after mere seconds. The pleasure surpassed the boundaries of the body and leaked into the spirit and the soul, filling them with something I never wanted to be without, ever again.

Suddenly, Heero gasped. My eyes drew to his mouth, he kept his lips parted, to allow for quick, sharp pants. His eyes were still closed, but not squeezed shut tightly. The muscles had relaxed and his eyebrows had slightly drawn up. I planted an appreciative and encouraging kiss on the corner of his mouth. His eyes opened and looked at me directly. I had never seen them like that. The soldier had been locked deep inside a dark recess somewhere within him and passion colored the blue of his eyes in a breathtaking shade.

As I made my thrusts deeper and longer, he moaned again, low and sexy and drawn out.

I leaned down to capture his lips in a warm kiss. My braid snaked around my shoulder and landed heavily on his chest. It startled him, making him gasp and tense up. I kissed the tension away and he kissed back lazily, unfocused. When the kiss ended he let out a raspy moan, causing him embarrassment again. He turned his head back to side, but quiet pants and moans kept resounding, he couldn't stop them. His cheeks were tinted a bright red.

"I love hearing you." I whispered breathlessly in his ear.

The red on his cheekbones flared even brighter.

I felt his splayed hand on my chest and worry coursed through me that he was going to push me away, and maybe, initially, that was his intension, but instead, after a short pause of hesitation, he dragged the hand up, over my shoulder and wrapped his arm around my neck. He pulled me down. Our sweaty chests rubbed together as we moved and we were panting in each other's ears. I would have found it incredibly arousing if I hadn't been painfully aware of the fact he was using this position to hide his face from me because he was ashamed for me to see the pleasure evident on his features.

I placed a few open-mouthed kisses on the shell of his ear, becoming aware of how sweaty I had become and how quickly the end was drawing near. The pleasure was so powerful it almost made me sick. I firmly planted my hands back on the bed on either side of him so I could raise myself up a bit. Heero reluctantly let me create the distance. His sweaty face came into view. He looked like a completely different person. His eyes were passionate and soft, lidded with thick eyelashes, his mouth relaxed and opened to emit endearing sounds, his hair, damp with sweat, had fanned around his head like a crown of dark strands, his bangs had fallen out of his face, giving him a more open and welcoming appearance.

"You're beautiful." I said, in between my own groans. I looked in his eyes, knowing I was seeing a side of him that I had never seen before, more vulnerable and emotional than he had ever allowed to show.

One of Heero's arms started moving. It abandoned my shoulder. He threw his arm across his own face, burying his nose into the crook of his elbow, hiding his eyes from sight. It was clear he didn't want me to look, he didn't want me to see.

It saddened me, it weighed down on me. But I was a teenager in the throws of passionate lovemaking. Even if I had wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to stop. I kissed the sharp end of his elbow, not forcing him into anything that he wasn't ready for, even though I desperately wanted to see his the look in his eyes. The anonymity behind his arm apparently gave him the freedom to be more vocal, his moans became louder as we were building up to the climax.

I raised myself up further, coming to sit on my knees and took hold of his hips. He let out a pitched appreciation at my assertion of control and the different angle.

It was over soon after that. I realized that no matter how long we would ever be able to drag it out, the end would always come too soon. As I neared my own completion I recognized him to be ready too. I knew myself to be an adequate lover, I had never been told I had left someone disappointed, but this had been nothing like anything I had ever experienced before and though I knew it was Heero's first time, I wanted it to be equally amazing for him and I hoped dearly to succeed.

He came first, it took only a few heavy pets of my hand. I held back my own orgasm for as long as I could, fascinated by the way his back arched off the bed and he moaned loudly. Then a shout of my own joined the aftermath of his.

After a few final, lazy efforts to prolong the lovemaking I stilled, catching my breath with my mouth wide open, but still finding a way to grin like an idiot. For a moment my concerns were gone and I simply appreciated the little victory that we had accomplished together. I stroked my right hand up and down his thigh, trying to soothe him as he breathed heavily and quickly, most of his face still covered by his arm.

I chuckled breathlessly and stupidly. I pulled out, took off the condom and stood on shaky legs and walked into the bathroom to dispose of it and get a towel to clean Heero off. When I returned he had stretched his legs out and had raised his arms above his head, resting them heavily on the pillow as his fingers toyed with the ends of his slick hair. I straddled him and quietly and lovingly cleaned his stomach and chest, all the while Heero was stubbornly avoiding eye-contact. When I was done I threw the towel onto the pile of our clothing and then climbed over to his other side, settling between him and the separation between our mattresses. I lay on my side and propped myself up on my elbow, looking down at him. I still sported a satisfied smile. Can you blame me?

Heero looked like himself again. Like his old self, to be specific; analytical. I already started to miss the passionate him he had shown me, but I had grown confident I would see that side of him again, now that it was proven that that side existed. I lay my head down on his bicep, staring at him staring at the ceiling. The chill of the surrounding air was a nice contrast to the smoldering heat we had both experienced, so I didn't bother with covering us up with the sheets just yet.

His thoughtful expression prompted me to ask if he was okay.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Did you like it?" I asked with a grin.

"Obviously."

My face turned more serious. "You shouldn't be embarrassed Heero."

He didn't respond.

"What are you thinking about?"

He sighed deeply, his eyebrows moving to make that frown again. "I was thinking that... the feeling is already starting to fade away."

"Yeah, post-orgasm bliss sadly doesn't last forever."

"No, I mean... I don't know what I mean. But when we... did that, I felt something in my heart and it was perfect and painless and none of the bad memories could hurt me." He tilted his head slightly to look at me with disappointed eyes. "But that feeling is already starting to fade away. And soon it will be gone, won't it?"

Thinking I understood what he meant, I nodded slowly, I also secretively had high hopes of the sort. Apparently he had had high hopes as well. He too had hoped that the lovemaking would cure him, that it would erase all the bad feelings. In a way I blamed myself, even though that was irrational, because I made a point of calling it "making love", I might have filled his head - both our heads - with ideas and false hope that, however wonderful the intercourse, it could never live up to.

He still had his issues, there was no quick fix for those. He would still have to work on them or this would never be the way we both wanted it, but we would work on them together. And for the time being, I was very happy with this step that we had taken.

He directed his gaze back up at the ceiling.

"Does this mean you regret it?" I asked with fear in my heart.

His answer was simple but relieving: "No."

We shared a silence for a long time, both lost in our own heads, toying with private thoughts. Pondering in the aftermath. I felt myself becoming tired rather quickly and I threw a glance over my shoulder to look at the time. It was only eight thirty, but after our bedroom acrobatics, I was exhausted. My body and mind were ready to sleep, I didn't want to think anymore. I wanted to escape from all bad thoughts and just enjoy this night in my sub conscience.

"Hmmm..." I moaned tiredly. "Let's go sleep..."

"We should blow out the candles first."

I cursed under my breath, I should have know it would be a bad idea. Reluctantly we both got out of bed and worked together to blow out all the candles. With all the candles going out at the same time, the room filled with a smoky sent of lilac. I couched as the pungent smell attacked my nostrils and irritated my throat. "Oh man." I disproved. "That's fucking horrible." I shut my trap when Heero started chuckling, fascinated by the sound.

We both got back into bed and instead of limiting us to our own mattress, I invited him to join me on mine, happy to have him accept the offer. To be able to share the narrow space of the bed, we had to lay close to each other and it felt most natural to hold each other, rather than laying bunched up. I lay on my back and Heero lay flush to my side, his head resting on my chest. His arm was wrapped around my waist and my arm was wrapped around his shoulders. The sheets were pulled up just enough to offer us some modesty.

I was equally pleased with the way we slept together as the way we had "slept together". I realized we had never slept in each other's arms before and I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed the closeness, sharing warmth and what felt like a single heartbeat. I petted his hair with a light touch, reveling in the feel of the silky soft strands. I could feel Heero's breath spreading over my chest like a warm, loving touch every time he exhaled.

"I love you Heero." I whispered.

"I love you too." He mumbled.

And for now that would have to do, even though I wanted more. I would wait for more. I would wait for him. For as long as I could stand this bittersweet hardship.

I hoped I was strong enough to stand it for as long as it would last.

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Chapter 32

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