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"Warheads"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: Post War, angst, fluff, psychological
issues, lemon Pairings: 2x1 Summary: Duo and Heero try to become more than
comrades in their attempt to be normal young men. They settle down
but find that peacetime is difficult to adjust to and with only each
other to rely on, it is a struggle, especially for Heero. " Warheads "
I stood in the doorway, encased by light, but my attire rejected it, absorbed all of it back into darkness. Quatre had taken the job upon himself to get our suits dry-cleaned and pressed and returned to us in pristine shape. However, when we bought the suits, I never expected to be wearing it for this grim occasion. I rolled my shoulders in the confinement of the jacket, trying to make myself more at ease in the outfit that was like a uniform to me. The black fabric rustled in the silence. Adjusting my tie around my neck for the final time I asked: "Are you sure you don't want to come?" "Yes." The reply was very confident. I sighed. "Okay, maybe "want to go" is a poor way of saying it," I tried vainly, "don't you think you should go?" "Why?" "To pay your respect." "I have paid my respect." He argued. "To pay my respect twice would be superfluous, not to mention he jeopardized the mission, he barely deserves to have respect paid once." His voice was cold and distant, as was his expression. Sometimes it scared me, but I knew what was behind those walls and I knew they were crumbling. "You don't mean that." I stated. "Yes I do." The retort was childish. I reached for my tie again, it felt so constricting around my neck. I stood in the doorway counting seconds, not really sure what I was hoping for, what I could realistically expect from him. My wristwatch counted along with me. If I didn't leave soon, I would be late. "Why are you going?" He suddenly asked. It didn't sounds like he was actually interested in my reasoning, his voice had the appearance of being accusing. I shrugged, moving the heavy jacket around my shoulders. "Because I feel it's the right thing to do." "You barely knew him." I nodded. "That is true. But he is an agent, like you and in many ways a soldier, like we both were. But more importantly... it could have been you. God, or some cosmic force decided that it should be him. I want to go to show respect and remorse, because even though I'm glad it wasn't you, it sucks for him that he drew the short straw. The least that can be done is show that he will be missed and remembered." He was silent, perhaps contemplative, perhaps stubbornly rejecting my logic, I couldn't tell with his bangs shadowing his eyes. "I should go, or I'll be late." I paused, hoping for him to change his mind. I honestly felt it would be good for him to go, to come to terms with what had happened, but he remained silent. "I'll be back in a few hours. Do you want me to take you to the bathroom first?" I asked motherly, not trusting Heero's battered body to be able to go back and forth between his bed and the bathroom, let alone balance on one leg long enough to relieve himself. His eyes narrowed defensively as he looked up at me sharply. "I can do that by myself." I decided it was best not to disagree with him, but jokingly I reminded him: "If you miss, you clean it up yourself." "Hn." I chuckled. "It's been a long time since I heard that one. Can't say I missed it though. I'll be back soon." I slowly closed the bedroom door, I guess still hoping to be called back to help him into something appropriately sullen and black, but the door shut without protest. I walked to the train station with my hands stuffed deep into the pockets of my pants as if they were searching for something in the depth of them. The dress shoes made clicking sounds on the pavement as I walked, a delicate rhythm to accompany my thoughts. I realized that in spite of all the death I had seen and created, I had never attended a funeral. What that meant I did not know, perhaps it fuelled my desire to go even more strongly than mere moral implications. I suppose it didn't really matter. I arrived at the station just in time to catch the train headed towards the Kennedy space center and adjoining Preventer headquarters. I caught the reflection of a woman dressed in black, a few rows in front of me and wondered if she was heading to the funeral herself. But then she answered her phone and she became all smiles, giggles and blushes. In a way it was good to see that even thought it felt that way, this day does not evolve around death. I got off at the Kennedy station and scanned the directory for the Preventer agency graveyard. Finally I spotted an appropriately black arrow with a respectable white print that pointed me in the right direction. I followed the arrows that led me to a long winding path leading away from the tall building. Just beyond the reach of the shadow of the Head Quarters, the path came to an end, opening up to a grassy field. A white marble monument was erected to honor the deceased agents buried in the graveyard, in bronze letters it read: "These grounds are dedicated to the honorable agents who gave their life in the protection of the balance in the world. They will be remembered respectfully as agents and lovingly as family and friends." And underneath the script were many rows of bronze stars, too many to count, to prepare visitors for the site they were about to discover. The grass was dotted with humble, white headstones. What sent a shiver down my spine was not just the amount of headstones, but the stretch of grass that was yet unused. It sent the clear message that at this amount of death, even though it seems insurmountable, it does not end. Every visitor knows with a single glance how many have fallen and how many will fall in the protection of the peace. Hopefully it will draw more appreciation from their hearts. Amazed by the gravity of the feelings I was experiencing, I halted for a moment and reminded myself not to make this about me. My hands went to my throat again to finger the green tie I had stolen from Heero's uniform because the bow tie seemed so festive. I tucked one finger in the loop around my neck and loosened the noose a little. In the distance I saw a gathering of people appearing like a blotch of black ink on a painting of otherwise bright and vibrant colors and I headed in their direction. I passed many headstones, curiously reading the script. They all started the same, stating the name, rank, date of birth and date of death, but the text on the lower half was always different. Famous quotations from passed poets, Biblical lines, or "Here lies my beloved husband". A particularly poignant one made me stop reading. "I love you, mommy". When I neared the group I slowed my gait to assess the situation. A mahogany coffin was being put in place in the center of the crowd and to the right of it was a black and white picture of a man I recognized to be the agent I came for and beside that was a black ribbon with his name at the center of a circle of yellow and white flowers. I kept my distance so as not to encroach. After all, Heero was right, I barely even knew the agent. I stole glances at the faces of the people, all sad and solemn. At the center of the gathering of people was an older woman, flanked by two younger, tall and broad men. The woman was crying uncontrollably and needed the support of the men just to remain standing. The mother. The men by her side looked too much like agent Levelt to be mere agents. They were his brothers. Both were struggling to keep from shedding tears. I felt uncomfortable realizing I had been proven wrong. I always thought I had seen the most gruesome of what death had to offer: the actual sight of someone killed. It wasn't. The most horrible thing about death, was the devastation it left in it's wake; broken families, lonely friends. "Duo." A hand landed on my shoulder as my name was whispered. Une came to stand beside me, observing the scene also, with tormented eyes that seemed to have aged a decade since I last saw them. "So Heero didn't come with you?" "No." I saw no use in explaining it to her. She must know Heero well enough to know that this is too hard even for the Perfect Soldier. "Will you bring him Monday?" She turned to look at me but I didn't look back. "To see the doctor. Not the shrink." "Really?" Her voice was thick with genuine surprise. "What's that's supposed to mean?" I shot a foul look at her. "Well... of the two I think seeing a "shrink" is most pertinent to Heero's recovery." I rolled my eyes and turned back towards the group of people. "Like Heero's would even say anything to some stranger, just because he has some degrees on his walls." "She, she has degrees on her walls." Une corrected. "Well gee, I hope the feminist commission forgives me for my gender discriminatory assumption." I deadpanned. Une sighed. It was a frustrated sigh. "Heero might not talk, but sometimes it's even more important to just listen. I think she has some things to say that might help him and then he can decide for himself whether he wants to talk or not." "He doesn't need a shrink." I hissed. "Duo, you have to accept that no matter how much you love him or how much he loves you back, you can't be everything to him. You can't be a lover and a mentor and a therapist-" I shushed her for the ceremony started. For the next half hour we both paid attention to the words of the minister and family members who shared childhood stories, some of which drawing a teared-up chuckle or smiles from the crowd. Rather than a ceremony that mourns his death, it celebrated his life. His brothers spoke of when he was young, a group of friends reminisced an embarrassing year of college life and his girlfriend, barely able to speak through her tears, thanked him for being full of love for everyone, unconditionally. Bible verses were recited by others and after the final words everyone walked up to the casket to place a white rose on top of it. The mother, who came last, lingered and her mouth moved as though she was talking, but no sound came out other than her sobs. The people started to head off, walking towards the small chapel at the far end of the field. The mother and the brothers stayed behind to watch the casket being lowered into the ground. The woman had suddenly turned very quiet and stoic, she had probably disengaged from the situation to be able to handle it. A young girl played a melancholy song on her violin as the casket disappeared. "I'm surprised there was something to bury." I mumbled, walking away to offer some privacy to the family. Une followed me, she walked slowly, having trouble balancing on the grass in her high heels. "Recovery teams set to work quickly. They found his body Wednesday night. Then ensued a big, political tug of war. I haven't slept since." Judging by the dark circles under her eyes and her pale complexion I had no reason to think she was exaggerating. "None of the Preventer agents are officially listed as agents, so they had no proof of malintent. They identified his body but couldn't prove he was an agent so they finally had to release him and he was flown in yesterday." "Was there... was there much left? I mean... a building collapsing on top of you." I shuddered, G used to scare me with horror stories of only fingers and toes being found, it was a tactic supposed to make me extra careful when handling explosives, because if the boom doesn't get you, the building will. "Most of him was recovered, but it had to be a closed casket ceremony." We walked aimlessly through the field. I didn't know why. "Do you know what happened to him, exactly? I mean... was there an autopsy?" Une stopped and looked at me with understanding. "You mean did we see the bullet hole in his forehead?" I could only swallow, not knowing, but fearing the implications this "execution" could have for Heero, legally. "The coroner declared it merciful euthanasia by an unknown subject. Considering the circumstances there will be no investigation. But yes, I do know what happened to him. Exactly. I deduct you know too?" I nodded. "Heero told me yesterday what happened." "How is he doing?" I narrowed my eyes at her angrily. "I'm not sending him to a shrink." Une sighed, putting her hands on her hips. "Duo, if you could, for a moment, let go of the idea that sending him to a shrink means he is crazy. Do you honestly think it won't do him some good? He is damaged, he needs help." "You mean he needs to be fixed!" I spat. "He isn't damaged, he is fine!" I didn't know why I said that, because my heart knew it to be untrue. "He is not untouchable, or invincible. He's just as vulnerable as the rest of us, perhaps even more so. What do you think shooting someone you know in the head, in that situation, does to a person?" Her tone was almost angry as I was disagreeing with her. She was obviously annoyed that I didn't agree with her logic. "Well then maybe you shouldn't have sent a five foot six boy to a hostile situation with a 6 foot three man!" I bit sharply, hoping she could see the intensity of my anger in my eyes. "If I hadn't we would be attending Heero's funeral today!" Une's shout carried across the graveyard and in the distance an old couple looked at us oddly. She took me by the arm and guided me out of their curious line of sight to a tall tree swaying it's leaves in the wind. "Don't you think I know it wasn't a good match in that regard?" She said, insulted. "Well then why the hell did you do it?" "When Heero is alone, he takes big risks. Many big risks. When I sent him on missions, he took increasingly dangerous actions to complete them. Even objecting to strict regulations such as wearing a Kevlar vest. He took a bullet to heart once, luckily he was wearing a vest at that time. It saved his life but he was still vehemently against it. He had no regard for his own safety when it was just his life on the line. I feared that that attitude would kill him this mission, that's why I teamed him up." "But why Levelt?" "Because none of the other agents wanted to partner up with Heero! I didn't want to force anyone, all my requests got shot down, stating they got wives and kids... I couldn't neglect that! They don't trust him, they know he's a liability. They knew their chances of ending up six-feet-under, right where we stand now, would increase exponentially when with Heero. I was about to give up and call off the mission when Levelt expressed interest in the partnership." She bit her lips and cast her gaze to the grassy ground. "He was eager to learn, dangerous or not, he knew Heero is the best and Levelt wanted to learn from the best. He volunteered... Keeping in mind the importance of the mission I felt I had no choice but to accept his offer. I honestly felt that even though it violated basic rules, it was the right decision and that by sending them out together, they would return together. Heero protecting Levelt and Levelt preventing Heero from doing something stupid. I never even feared that this way it would be someone else not coming back." She rushed her words, like she didn't even want to talk about it, but she had to, I understood, as I saw her eyes begging me for understanding. I looked back at where we had been. All the family members had left and two men in green overalls had approached the site and shoveled sand into the hole. "I did it to protect Heero. But as you can see, even though I thought I had the solution, it turned out horrible anyway." She placed her hands on both my shoulders, making me look her in the eye. "I know you want to help Heero yourself. And maybe you can. But can you really afford to take the risk? You think you have the solution, but what if you too are fooled by your own confidence and care?" I ran my sweaty palms through my hair, exhaling loudly. "What good would a shrink do for Heero anyway? They base their insight on knowledge obtained by studying the general population and Heero is about as deviant from "general" as it gets." "I know it's a long shot. I know Heero is... unique and rules don't apply to him, but doctor Nettle specializes in helping agents, much like Heero and she is acknowledged as a leading expert on trauma's. You doubt her because she operates based on what she knows and no one knows Heero. There was a time you didn't know Heero, but you abided your time, you were patient and I see how much you have been able to help him. No one is trying to steal the honor here, or claim that you have been doing a poor job or insinuate that Heero is crazy. I just want to help." "He vulnerable... susceptible. She can't tell him to do anything. He'll take it as an order and as proof that what he has been doing is wrong. I don't want him to think that, because he has been doing great." I warned. In spite of my serious warning, Une smiled. "Does this mean you agree?" I exhaled loudly, not really sure what I would be getting Heero and myself into. "I won't tell him what to do. He has to decide for himself." Une retreated her arms, wrapping them around herself. "Tell him that if he refuses to come see the Preventers psychiatrist, he will be fired." "What? So you now you're just going to force him?" "Duo, calm down! I'm hear on two accounts, I'm a concerned friend but I'm also his boss and breathing down my neck is another, big, boss. As a concerned friend I am suggesting that he'd take this offer and meet with doctor Nettle. As a boss I am required to order him." I bit my lip and stuffed my hands back into my pockets, fingering the lint I found at the bottom. "I'm not really sure him getting fired is a bad thing." "Living without purpose is always a bad thing." I shook my head, feeling my braid move back and forth along my back. "He doesn't want fighting to be his only purpose." "Fighting is an admirable purpose in life when you consider it saves more people than it kills." I chuckled bitterly. "You'll have a hard time selling that to anyone who has gone to battle and has spilled blood with his own hands... You'll have trouble selling that to Levelt's mother as well." "Maybe..." She uttered mysteriously. "Just another thing Heero can discuss with our psychiatrist. I'll send a car to come and get you and Heero at noon, Monday. He'll be examined by doctor Borland first and then, if he accepts, he will meet with doctor Nettle." Without saying anything further, not even a goodbye, she walked off and left me by myself in the shadow of the tree. With many thoughts on my mind I walked the long way back to the train station to find I had just missed the train. I seated myself on a bench overlooking expansive fields and the air- and spaceport which was void of all activity. It was hard for me to accept that Heero needed things that I am rationally not capable of providing. I doubted Heero would be willing to talk to this doctor Nettle, though I understood, in spite of my ego, that it might be beneficial, Heero would probably be impossible to persuade. We would both prefer that we could keep this entire issue contained to the two of us, but that desire was faulted by our inexperience with handling, expressing and resolving troubling emotions. Perhaps I should have had more faith in Une's perspective from the start. After all, isn't it reasonable to assume that all us Gundam Pilots are damaged in one way or another? I didn't think it possible for any of us to escape the haunting memories of the war unscathed. I also found it difficult to believe we could ever be cured from them. Une's question's weighed on me. Can you really afford to take that risk? What if pride, misunderstanding and jealousy withheld me from allowing Heero to get help? What if she really could ease some of his troubles, save him from his most devious torments? Could I take the risk of denying him that? I grunted tiredly and rolled my head back, staring up at the pristine blue sky, not a whiff of a cloud in sight. I got up when I heard the train approaching. The ride home I stared at my own reflection, objectively observing my maturing face and form. In both the literal and figurative sense I've outgrown Heero. I was afraid that though my physical growth was stagnating at almost six feet tall, my emotional growth would continue and I would leave Heero behind. If this doctor could help him grow, speed up his development in ways that I fear I have been lacking, I saw no harm in that. Even if she couldn't help him, if he just lay on her Freudian psycho-analytic sofa with his arms stubbornly folded across his chest and his lips sealed shut, there would still be no harm. By the time the train stopped at my destination the voice in the back of my head echoing Une's earthly - perhaps naive - reason, convinced me that it was worth a try. Unfortunately I am much more easily convinced than Heero. After getting off the train I quickened my pace to hurry home. I had been gone longer than I expected and I didn't want Heero to be alone for too long. I rounded the final corner to the entrance of our apartment building and instantly recognized the short blonde finger obsessively pressing the buzzer of our apartment. It reminded me -rather stunned : That's right. I have a life. And there are people in it. Seeing her brought a surprised smile to my lips. I called out her name as I closed the distance. Sookie turned her head, her blonde curls dancing. When she saw me she smiled too and jogged towards me to meet me halfway, but just before we met in a slow-motion hug, her face went pale and she stopped an arm's length away from me. She looked me up and down, my black shoes, my black dress pants, my black formal jacket. "Oh no." She covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh my God. Why are ya wearin' funeral clothes?" She asked panicked and suddenly out of breath. "Don't worry. It's not... Well, I did go to a funeral but I didn't really know the person that well." She hit me hard against the chest. "Damn ya! Scaring me like that!" "I didn't do anything." I pleaded innocently. "Not returning my phone calls all week and then showing up wearing this!" She hit me again, but not as hard. "Ya scared me, I thought something had happened!" "I'm sorry! I'm sorry." I calmed her by wrapping my arms around her tightly. She sighed and relaxed in my embrace. "Where have ya been all week?" She mumbled into my chest. "I missed you." We released each other and I promised I'd tell her all about my crazy week. I took her up to the apartment. When I opened the door I was surprised to see Heero sitting at the kitchen table, his crutch by his side. On the table top in front of him was a new jar of peanut butter and he had a spoon in his mouth. His eyes widened briefly, adorably, like a child caught red-handed, eating from the cookie jar. But his eyes narrowed again and his lips pursed when he noticed the guest I had brought upstairs unannounced. "Wow!" Sookie exclaimed, looking past me at Heero. "Ya look horrible! What in tha world happened to ya? !" Heero put away the spoon and screwed the lid back onto the jar, his face stoic, unresponsive to Sookie. "Uhm, Heero, you remember Sookie, right? From Aiden's party?" I tried. "Yes." "I'm sorry, I thought you were in the bedroom. Otherwise I would have given you a heads-up." Heero didn't say anything. He struggled to his feet, leaning heavily on the crutch. "What happened? Were ya hit by a car or sumthing?" Sookie kept questioning as Heero gingerly made his exit. The bedroom door closed behind him and Sookie turned to me with wide, shocked eyes. "I told you, I had one hell of a week." I sat her down on the couch and offered her something to drink or to eat while I cleared away the spoon and the jar of peanut butter but she declined both offers and drilled me for information. I joined her in the sitting area and told her what had happened without getting into too much detail, for example: not informing her of the execution, nor the murder that Quatre mentioned, or even tell her that he is a Gundam pilot as well. The whole time I spoke her jaw was agape and her wide eyes barely blinked. It was almost comical and it made it difficult for me to convey the deep emotions that had been burying me all week. I finished and at first she did nothing but sputter a little, then she blurted: "Ya must be pissed!" I smiled. "Actually, no... not anymore." She raised her eyebrows. "Than he must've made one hell of an apology." "No... he didn't." She lowered her expressive eyebrows into a frown. "Then why aren't ya pissed?" I chuckled. "Heero kept asking me the same thing. It took a while, but I finally realized that you can only blame someone for doing the wrong thing when that someone has a grasp on the distinction between right and wrong. I can't expect someone who doesn't know any better to do the socially accepted 'right thing'. When he explained it to me I realized he was trying to do the right thing but made a judgment error." "So yer no longer angry with Heero?" She verified. "Nope." "Then why are ya still angry with that other friend of yers? That Quatre guy." "That's different!" I argued even though I had no defense. "Why?" She shot back, catching onto my inner doubt. I bit the inside of my cheek. "I guess..." I offered hesitantly, "because I'm not crazy in love with him..." She nodded. "He tried to do the right thing as well." "Yeah, but Quatre knows what the right thing is, he has been raised relatively... normal. He should have known better." "Well, the right thing is a pretty ambiguous term, ain't it? It seems like even ya haven't really made up yer mind. I mean, yer angry at him from not telling ye Heero was an agent, but at the same time ya say yer angry about something else he said about Heero, because he was butting into ya guys' business." I blinked. Dumbstruck, I supposed. "I... I guess you're right. Albeit a bit simplified." "Oh honey, ya should really know by now that I'm always right." She jested with a wide grin. I frowned. "I'm still angry with him for some reason though." "Yeah well, were not automatons ruled by logic, we're flawed human beings ruled by emotions. I'm pretty sure in a little while ya'll find yer not angry with that friend anymore, Jus'like y'aren't angry with Heero anymore." An embarrassed blush came to my cheeks and at her insisting I admitted: "How insulting would it be if I confess that I'm pretty amazed by all these insights you have?" "Not at all. It's the accent, it throws everybody off." She said, grinning ear to ear. "I could become a rocket scientist and still ride the special bus. Inbred hicks is what they call us, right?" Though her words were harsh they didn't seem to affect her. She must have been subjected to a lot of prejudice and discrimination in her life, growing up as a young gay woman in the southern states and then migrating down to Florida as a veritable hillbilly. I forgot sometimes, troubled by visions of death and battle, that growing up weighed by a war is not the only poor way of growing up. "So, how are other things going between ya and Heero?" She asked suggestively, adding a wink for good measure. I chuckled and that embarrassed blush returned to me with vengeance. "Aside from the roller coaster of emotions this week I've been more his nurse than anything else." "Hn. A naughty nurse?" She burst out in laughter, I guess my expression in response to her comment must have been hilarious. I composed my face, erasing shock. I was starting to learn that around Sookie I'd best quickly become comfortable discussing sex because it appeared to be her favored topic. I wasn't used discussing such frivolous things, I was more at ease conversing on the topic of Explosion charts and hard entry tactics. Of course being the citizen that I am now, I should probably start taking sex more seriously, after all, if I'm to believe my biology teacher it's what drives everything. I always thought that was hunger, but with my belly full and sated it became increasingly possible that sex is the main motivator in the normal world. "Sex hasn't really been on my mind lately." I explained. "When something like this happens," I nodded towards the bedroom door, "you go straight back to survival mode." "Sorry." "That's okay. I should probably think about it more often. Not in the naughty way, but I suppose I have my work cut out for me with Heero." "Do ya know if he was... uhm... or not?" "He hasn't really said it out loud, but... I'm afraid..." I shook my head. "I really didn't want to circle back to this topic..." "Sorry. Again." I smiled. "That's okay. Again." She looked at her watch a declared that she had to go home. She hadn't really expected to see me, so she promised her grandparents to be home early. I hugged her, tightly and she hugged me back even tighter. I thanked her for her concern, she didn't really know what that meant but she smiled anyway and she said: "Yer welcome." As a way of saying goodbye she said: "Take care of that patient of yers, Naughty Nurse Maxwell." When she left I felt at peace. Her presence had - if only momentarily - reconciled some of the brewing turmoil within me. I realized, though it wasn't exactly an epic epiphany, that it was nice to have a friend like her, someone who just made me feel good. Someone who was honest with me and could help me because she saw things and knew things to which I was blind and ignorant. On the heels of that "epiphany" was the determination to get Heero to see that shrink, Nettle. She would have to be his Sookie, his beacon. Une was right, I couldn't be everything to Heero. Just like Heero couldn't be everything to me, for which I never blamed him. I made a B-line for the bedroom, all of a sudden overcome with the urge to see his face, even though it was bruised and his right eye bloodshot. Heero was sitting straight up in bed, his - too - much loved laptop perched on his lap, his fingers hovering over the keys. Though he froze upon my entry, his fingers were tantalizingly close to the keyboard, like a lover yearning to touch skin. "What are you doing with that thing? !" I demanded to know, slightly jealous of the tender attention Heero was giving the softly humming machine. Oh if he would use his fingers on me just as expertly and delicately I wouldn't hum, I would purr. "How did you even get it in here?" I leaned forward and shut the laptop, grasping it out of his reach. "Hey!" He protested adorably, his one arm vainly reaching for it. "Nuh uh. I know you. Laptop is work and you're not supposed to be working." "I promise I won't. Please." I chuckled. "Oh, I am so not falling for that. I invented puppy-eyes and let me tell you something, young grasshopper, you have much to learn. What am I supposed to believe when I hand you back that damned thing, that'll you'll be surfing the web for porn?" His eyes widened minutely. I groaned displeased. "I came here to do something and now everything got sidetracked!" I sat down beside him on the edge of his bed. He looked at me with a neutral expression in which I detected a warm softness. It made my heart thud audibly. My lips curved in a small smile and I slowly leaned in, keeping my eyes open out of curiosity as the distance to his face decreased. "Sookie reminded me of something I've wanted to do. Since we talked yesterday." I whispered when our noses touched. Heero didn't respond, his eyes darted back and froth from my left to my right eye. I brought one gentle hand up to hold his chin and tilt his head slightly before leaning in the final distance. It was a soft, innocent merging of lips that left me longing for more but I restrained the urges that I had restrained so poorly in the past, with disastrous results. Keeping my lips just lightly pressed to his I waited for a response. I did not have to wait long. Along with an inhale of breath a hand slipped around my neck and pulled me tighter against him. His kisses were cute in their lack of experience but still they set fire to my body and I could not refrain from kissing back hungrily. He opened his mouth to invite my tongue inside and I accepted eagerly, moving my hand to encircle his neck and feel a fast pulse that rivaled my own. When I started the kiss I didn't know it would amount to something as intimate and intense, but as soon as our lips had met, something familiar sparked and fire spread through veins raging with hormones to set alight uncontrollable teenage desire. Naughty Nurse indeed. I broke the kiss and declared in between pants to his confused expression: "Air." He nodded, panting himself. "You like that?" I asked with a smirk, mesmerized by the way his lips looked, soft, full and red. He nodded, right before he leaned in and sealed our lips together once more, as always letting me take control from there, enjoying the lead I took. I didn't know for how long we kissed. Einstein's relativity confused my sense of time, it felt like mere seconds but it could have been lasting minutes, I sure would want that. "I'm gonna order take-out. What do you want?" I asked breathless, seeking distraction to cool the heat inside my body. Our faces were still close together and our arms wrapped around each other. "Pizza." He said without hesitation. "You don't like pizza." "I know. But I want to learn to like it." "Sure?" "Yes." He pressed his forehead against mine, like a cat seeking attention. I gave him one final peck on the lips before rising to my feet. I chuckled when Heero's hand around my neck tried to stop me from getting up. First I changed into something more comfortable than the from now on known as "funeral clothes" behind the open door of the closet, wondering if that would have the same effect on him as him changing behind the narrow piece of wood had on me. Once done I walked back over to him and helped him out of bed and onto his crutch. The way to the kitchen was uneventful and I noticed he was little quicker than he was before. It was good to see his strength return to him. I called the pizza place and Heero kept me company sitting at the kitchen table while I set the table. After meeting the pizza guy downstairs by the front door I got two beers out of the refrigerator as well, making Heero momentarily scrunch his face up. I laughed. "Hey, if you want to try pizza, you have to give beer another shot too. Pizza and beer, doesn't get more normal than that." He didn't look pleased with that. He ate his dinner staring at his plate contemplatively and I ate my dinner staring at him, studying his incredibly attractive features as well as every tiny cut and the distinctive shape of the spot of blood in his right eye. If my perception was not deceiving me, the spot was shrinking. I couldn't wait for it to be gone, so I could enjoy his stunning eyes in all their amazing glory. Regarding his ear I had lost hope of a full recovery, a burn of that degree would definitely leave scarring. Luckily his wild, plucky hair obstructed view of most of the ear. I wondered if he was still in pain. I wondered what the burned ear felt like and what the bullet wounds felt like. Strangely in my life on the streets and my time spent with the arguably insane professor G, I had never suffered burns nor bullet wounds. My body was preoccupied familiarizing itself with bruises and broken bones. That was odd, considering I had been through a war, fighting in possibly the most dangerous position as one of five hugely outnumbered rebels. My gaze strayed to the two bolts at the far end of the room. One in perfect condition. One horribly damaged. I looked back at Heero, trying to read his face. "And? Liking pizza a little better?" He was mid-way through struggling to take a bite of a slice, fighting with the stringy, molten cheese. He shot me a look that made me laugh. "Should I take that as a no?" "It's fine." "Ah. That I'll take as a no." "It's not awful. It's just..." I shrugged. "I don't expect you to like it. Maybe pizza, like beer, is an acquired taste and I don't assume they had dried, military rations pizza-flavored." "You know they didn't." Heero replied, missing my sarcasm. I molded my face to express something more serious and announced: "I have something to say. A suggestion... and I think that it will take some time for you to warm up to it." He quirked a confused eyebrow. "Just hear me out. Okay?" After he nodded I continued: "I talked to Une today, at the funeral." The color of his eyes seemed to shift to a darker shade. "She's made some arrangements at the HQ for Monday. We'll be picked up at noon so that weird doctor guy can examine you and... you also have an appointment with someone else." I gauged his reaction, seeing if anything registered, if he had nay clue where this was going, but his face was blank in lack of understanding. "Another doctor, her name was Nettle, I believe." Heero shook his head. "Nettle is the psychiatrist." I sighed. "Then it is indeed Nettle whom I meant." He frowned, lowering his fork to his plate. "Une wants me to talk to a psychiatrist?" "No. She requires it of you, as an agent. She said you would be fired if you refuse." "What do you think?" He immediately said. "Uh... about whether you should go or not?" He nodded. I scratched the back of my head, knowing I was approaching a possibly delicate topic. "I can't really decide that for you." "No, what do you think? It will help me decide for myself." "Okay. Well... I think... I think you could... benefit from talking to someone. Someone who is a good listener and a good advisor." "I've found you to be a sufficient listener and advisor." He stated matter-of-factly. I smiled and thanked him, but admitted: "Heero, I walk the walk and I talk the talk, but most of it is just guesswork." He frowned. "I'm not really sure I understand what that means." A soft chuckle escaped me and my hand reached out across the table for his. "It means that I don't have all the answers to your questions, or all the solutions to your problems." "And you think Nettle does?" Heero sounded openly skeptical. "I think she'll come a long way. Yes." He seemed to be thinking things over for a long time, his gaze going around the room, looking for answers in the cushions of the sofa, in the thread of the carpet and in the paint on the walls. "Don't you want me to get fired from the Preventers?" "All I want is for you to be free to do whatever you wish." I meant that, even though I knew I ran a big risk of being hurt by his wishes, whatever they may be. He drew his bottom lip between his teeth but released it before nervously biting down. "I'm not sure I want to keep working as an agent..." He confessed and he appeared to be as surprised by that himself as I was. "But I liked..." He frowned and looked desperately lost. "I liked being needed. I liked being the person who knows what to do again." I gave a small sympathetic smile. "No one knows better than you. I learned a lot from you, things G couldn't even teach me." "But I don't like being away from you." He abruptly burst, looking at me with pleading eyes, begging me to resolve this issue and aid his confusion out of this world. I shook my head. "I can't tell you what to do, Heero. You have to figure things out for yourself." "And you thinks Nettle can help me with that?" He inferred, with a grumbling tone. "Maybe." He sighed. "I don't like talking to strangers." "I know. But if you don't want to talk to her, then don't talk, just listen. Maybe after a while, when she isn't such a stranger anymore, you'll feel more comfortable telling her things." I looked down, damming my selfish jealousy. He nodded and my heart skipped a beat. "I that a yes?" I ventured. "Are you going?" "Just going. But I'm not telling her anything that isn't her business." He retorted defensively. "That's okay. That's a start." I wasn't going to claim to be happy. Rationally I knew a psychiatristtrained in helping damaged agents could possibly offer solutions that I couldn't even grasp at. Yet like Heero confessed, all I wanted too was just to be needed. It was a hard reality knowing that my best wasn't good enough. But it were selfish thoughts that I ought to banish. I could only hope that this would not mean being shut out, shut out of the truth. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know him in every way, wanted to know of even the deepest, darkest, self-loathing thought so I could take burden upon myself and smooth away his pain. We sat quietly across from each other, lost in our thoughts, till I decided it was time for him to return to bed. I accompanied him all the way, shuffling along with his agonizing gait. I inquired about his knee but he just shot me a look and as if to prove his strength, he quickened his pace. I immediately saw the wince with each step, so I grabbed his shoulder firmly and told him: "It's not a race." "If it was I would still beat you." There was a hint of a smirk. I chuckled, even though a voice in the back of my mind teased that he probably still could. He would ruin his entire body doing so, but he would do it. "When you're all healed up, we'll race. Settle this." I said by way of motivating him to cooperate in his recovery. In the bedroom Heero passed by his bed and headed for the bathroom, expecting a shower. I grabbed his shoulder again and slowly turned him around. I fought against a blush but it was useless. "Do you mind if we shower tomorrow? Skip a night?" He didn't understand, it was apparent in his face. "After that kiss from before I think it would be best not to lather up naked together. Give me some time to gather appropriate thoughts." "So as long as I can't shower by myself, we can't kiss?" "No." Another motivational tool, or so I hoped. "Unless you want me to ravish you." As soon as the words tripped past my lips I realized the mistake I made and it was affirmed by the dark flash that went through his eyes. Without saying anything he went over to his bed and got under the covers. I got into bed myself, mulling over my error and it's obvious implications; a nearly unveiled truth. My heart clenched but I willed it into silence and calm. This horrible truth that I expected, though especially painful for me to consider, would be just one of many horrible truths I would come to absorb. It scared me, but at the same time - paradoxically - reassured me, because I knew I could handle it. In all the secrecy I have considered every possible, dark detail and I knew that even if they would all be true - even the rape, even the murder Quatre suggested - I would still love him. It was an immense feeling that went without description. I pulled myself out of my musings when my brain registered electric blue eyes staring at me. His face was perfect in the soft orange glow of the light, his lashes thick and deep black, his hair playful, his lips could be found guilty of pouting. We stared into each other's eyes for a long time. I was mesmerized by him, even just by the way his eyes fluttered as he blinked. My heart thudded, wildly acknowledging the love that overpowered my entire being. It filled me to a point that it was more than I was. I was just a vessel that looked like Duo Maxwell, filled with love for Heero Yuy. The love had become me. It was my identity. I embraced it, as it filled every space of me that had been painfully empty for a long time. I wondered how he felt. I was certain I would never know until- "I love you." He said. His voice was crystal clear and his gaze never wavered from mine. I realized he had never said that to me before darkness took the room. He never said it to me, whilst looking at me. I could never be sure what it meant, I could even argue Heero himself would never know what he meant, but I felt loved. I felt it was a truth. A kind truth. One that would flood the darkness out of all the other truths with it's blinding light. I smiled a true and honest smile. "I love you too." I hoped he knew how much. I hoped he could tell. I think he could. I didn't reach for the light switch. I kept my eyes trained on him as he looked back. And suddenly we were both smiling, mine bright and big, his hesitant and small, but beautiful nonetheless. The light would remain on that night, even as we slept. I woke up occasionally and with hazy eyes I drank the sight of his peaceful, innocent face as he slept. I knew his demons to be hidden deep, for them to even not show in sleep. But I knew light to have farther reaches still.
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