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"Warheads"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: Post War, angst, fluff, psychological
issues, lemon Pairings: 2x1 Summary: Duo and Heero try to become more than
comrades in their attempt to be normal young men. They settle down
but find that peacetime is difficult to adjust to and with only each
other to rely on, it is a struggle, especially for Heero. " Warheads " Part XVII - One step forward 1
"Oh man." I groaned as I started to peel away layers of clothing that had hardened and stuck to my body. The rustling of fabric was impossibly loud and I heard several steady drips of water, soiling the carpet. With my jacket out of the way and thrown through the open bathroom door into a dark abyss of a non-existent universe, I ripped the bowtie away from me. It had been a dread trying to get it undone in the cab, getting wet and then starting dry had solidified the knot. I had been on the verge of declaring it doomed and attacking it with scissors as soon as we got home, but Heero, bless him, reached over at my incessant complaining and figured the knot out in only a few seconds. The bowtie followed the jacket into the bathroom. Right on it's heels - if a bowtie would have heels - was Heero's jacket and tie. My whole body started to shiver uncontrollably in the AC chilled air. When I took off my button-up shirt my body was covered in a sheen of chlorine water and goosebumps. "Oh man..." I repeated and my teeth started to chatter. My wet braid felt like an icepack against my back and the cold of it felt like pins stinging the sensitive skin. Suddenly, there was warmth enveloping me. I sighed, wrapping the warm, soft towel that Heero had thrown around my shoulders tightly around my body, clutching it with trembling fingers. "Thanks buddy." "It's that hair of yours." He said flatly from somewhere between the dark shadows of our bedroom. "It's impractical." A chuckle rumbled low in my chest. "Mm, but it makes me look so sexy..." I took a step forward, towards Heero, who backed into our closet door. We stood so close to each other I could feel his hot breath on an exposed patch of my chest and I smelled the heavy chemical scent that was caught in the shirt that he was still wearing. I didn't do anything, I simply stood there, waiting I supposed. For a long time Heero just stood there too, trapped between myself and the closet, but if he had wanted to escape, all he had to do was take a step to the side. But he didn't do that. He breathed against my chest, quicker than usual, through his parted lips. I could hear his soft pants as he tried to mentally assert control over himself and the situation. I barely saw him looking up at me. The world surrounding me was nothing more than vague shapes in the dark and I had to rely on my other senses. I focused on the sound of his breathing, the scent of his clothes masking the scent that was distinctly his and the feel of his breath against my skin like feather light caresses. I knew his eyes were searching me for answers and I could clearly imagine that endearing frown on his face, but I didn't offer him any. Even though my whole body was sick with excitement and my heart ached to act upon it, I gave it time and curiously waited for how he would make the situation proceed. There was fear that he would leave me cold and shivering once more, even within the towel, but considering the events of the evening that had slowly come to pass, I was hopeful that we were on the verge of a breakthrough, but I didn't want to push him off the edge, I wanted him to decide to take that leap for himself. "I'm cold." He whispered. "I'm not." I said honestly, the cold was nothing more than a memory, vanished by the heat that burned within me. "You should take your shirt off." I said and just kept standing there. "Yeah." His voice croaked. He scraped throat and then brought his fingers up to the top button to undo it. Between me and the closet he barely had any space to move and sometimes his cold elbow brushed my warmed skin, sending arcs of lightening through me. He pushed off the closet to take the shirt off and I felt his bangs touch my collar bone. I swallowed with uncharacteristic nerves. He dropped it down on the carpet, at that point neither of us cared about getting it wet. Moments passed in which nothing happened, till he finally said: "I'm still cold." I had the feeling like he was trying to tempt me, trying to make me act and even though the prospect of taking the lead and speeding the process along was enticing, my curiosity about what would happen otherwise, held me back. I didn't want to always be the one to make the initiation. I didn't want him to feel forced into anything, instead I wanted him to know that he was free to do whatever he wanted. I thought that was particularly important for him to know, considering his past. I took the towel off my shoulder, I wasn't cold anymore, I was burning up inside with desire. My body radiated heat. Heero seemed to be drawn to it, leaning in, but not close enough to make our bodies touch. He was hesitant, I could feel his nerves and his inner struggle. Finally, he admitted, with a meek tone that made my heart ache: "I don't know what to do." I was quick to answer with a reassuring tone: "Whatever you want to do." He snorted, regaining a bit a of his strength. "That doesn't help at all." He grumbled. I smiled sympathetically. "You could kiss me." I whispered. My stomach tightened and my whole body tensed, almost painfully. I didn't understand how he could have this effect on me by just standing there. I couldn't even see him, I could only feel his presence and even that was plenty to bring me to my knees. He made me feeling weak and strong at the same time. Strong because I knew that he would always protect me, help me and be by my side. Weak because if something were ever to happen to him... I would be nothing. I could handle gunfire and explosions, but loving him made me vulnerable to hurt. He was my weak spot, the soft spot in my armor, through which deadly forces could kill me. But I liked both feelings. I liked the strong and I liked the weak. They made me feel more alive than I ever had before. A following question brought me back to the moment. "Where?" I smiled again. "Anywhere you want." Again for a long time nothing happened and I was starting to lose hope that something was ever going to happen. But then I felt his lips. Unannounced he leaned forward and placed a soft, gentle kiss on my prone neck, just off the side to the Adam's apple. I gasped at the sudden contact that was as much a relief as it was an agonizing pain, when his lips disappeared again. I didn't know why he would kiss me there, probably because it was the easiest place for him to reach with him being shorter than me, but I simply figured: Who cares? Whatever floats his boat. "Is that good?" "Yeah." I breathed. When his lips returned to my body again, they were lower, in the hollow of my collar bone. When they retreated, they didn't leave for long. Moments later I felt his warm, soft, delicious lips on my skin again and again, trailing up my sensitive throat. I gasped again when his flicked his tongue at my Adam's apple before resuming his path of light kisses up to my jaw line. Finally, I felt his hands, they rested heavily against my chest for support as he rose up on the tips of his toes to run his lips by my ear. Without any hesitation I reached out myself. My hands started out on his hips, feeling the hard bone of his pelvis, tantalizingly close, and then I moved them to his backside, as I rested them there, my thumbs idly stroked back and forth, feeling only smooth, perfect skin. Boldly I moved them further south and strongly cupped his ass. It was Heero's turn to gasp. It sounded loud in my ear but it was soothed by the warmth of his breath. Heero wrapped his arms around my neck and stopped the attentive ministrations of his lips. It was time to return the favor, so I started kissing and licking his long neck, feeling shudders go through his body. I moved forward a little bit more, pinning him against the closet door. I moved my hands to his naked sides, feeling the muscles quiver, tense and relax repetitively. My lips blindly searched for and instantly found his. He responded favorably by immediately opening his mouth and allowing me to deepen the kiss. I groaned into the kiss, shamelessly enjoying the sensations that were both familiar - as I had had sex before- and completely novel in their intensity and depth. Pleasure ghosted over the nerves of my skin but unlike ever before, they broke through the surface and made me crazy with feelings that I didn't fully understand, but did fully enjoy. I pressed my body against his. Briefly I was worried about a repeat of the last time we were intimate and I scared him with the same bodily state that I was currently in. But as our lower bodies met he didn't pull away from me, instead, he rocked into me. I moaned at the friction. It was a strike to my pride to notice that he was not as excited as I was, and for a moment it distracted me, but his enthusiastic kisses drew me back in and I decided not to worry, but simply to revel. His hands took hold of my wet braid and the strength of his grip squeezed some water out that trailed down my back like rivers of ice water, contrasting with the heat that came from inside. He moved his hands, which were then wet and cold, over my back and my chest, it sent pleasant tingles down my spine and to somewhere else. They eventually settled on my neck, his thumbs poised over a wild heartbeat. I don't remember when exactly all thought process froze and it was a pure matter of reacting to sensations, but at some point it happened and left to their own devices, my hands grew bolder than I would have consciously intended. I was lost in a sea of wonderful feelings, both inside and out, almost swallowed whole by the rough waves that kept crashing over me, overwhelming me. My hands moved down and stopped at the barrier of fabric around his hips. They moved forward and settled over the belt buckle, first just fingering it with no intentions, but then some devious little neuron in my brain fired and told the nimble fingers: unbuckle it. And they could not ignore that primal command. The belt came loose and I pulled it out of the loops and discarded it to the side. I distantly registered the sound of the metal buckle hitting the headboard of Heero's bed. Heero's tongue drew back. His mouth remained open and I ravaged it, but he became non-responsive. I, however, was too far lost in a fog, out at sea, to notice this change in demeanor. My fingers reached down for the button of his pants. He groaned something, maybe a word, I couldn't tell. The button was undone. He groaned again. It was definitely a "No". His hands came clamping down on my wrists and he turned his head to the left. I panted loudly. My hurting wrists slowly brought me back, like a beacon of light it guided me through the fog back to shore. Realizing that I had pushed my luck, I apologized sincerely, my guilt and regret was evident in my voice. He released my wrists. With a heavy heart I reached out for the light switch, I needed to see him and he needed to see me. The light was stark and almost painful to the eyes after the absolute darkness. With squinted eyes I looked at him, he had his face turned away, his hair was sensually tousled, his lips were red from my kisses, his chest heaved with labored breaths and was slightly sweaty. The sight would have been arousing but I was too worried about having hurt his feelings or trying to push a boundary that was now being reinforced so it could never be passed. "Heero, I'm sorry." I said again, desperately searching for his eyes but they were hidden behind his bangs. I sighed in relief when he looked at me and said it was okay, even though I wasn't sure to what extent I believed him. I chuckled nervously and stroked a hand through his hair. "You can't really blame me. You have this effect on me..." I joked. "I'm sorry." I frowned. "No, I didn't mean it like that. You don't have to apologize. I'm the one who should be sorry and who is sorry. I took it too far." "I'm going to take a shower." The soldier suddenly announced and he took the escape route that I had left for him, to the side. He stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him with a thud that stopped my heart. The sound of the lock falling into place was like a punch in the face. Soon I heard water running. I found myself in a new daze, one of confusion and sadness. Instead of letting myself wallow in it I undressed and brought my pants and underwear to the tiny laundry room - barely more than a closet, with the washer and the dryer stacked on top of each other. I immediately put a load of laundry into the washer. The pants I hung from a rack, they would have to be dry-cleaned, if they weren't beyond rescue already. By the time I returned to the bedroom Heero emerged from the bathroom in his underwear and one of his black T-shirts. He avoided eye-contact as he crawled into back. "I'm gonna take a shower too." I said, for no apparent reason. Heero didn't answer me. Under the warm spray of water I couldn't keep my thoughts from wandering. I understood that Heero didn't know how to be intimate, in any form, sense or meaning of the word. I knew he didn't have any experience with it and something he has no experience with, he feels uncomfortable with, because he won't be perfect and his imperfection will show; his worst fear. I understood all that, I have known it since I've known him and I have been living with it and working around it and slowly trying to change it since we had moved in together after the war. What I could not understand was why he would suddenly shut me out like this, literally, locking a door between us. Was he afraid of me? Was he afraid that I would take it too far, that I would force him? Terrible thoughts spooked through my head as I heard the door still clicking in the back of my head. Was he afraid I was going to assault him if he didn't lock the door? I shook my head, the water from my hair hit the wall and passed the open shower curtain to where our jackets and ties still lay. "Don't think like that. Because Heero doesn't think like that." I told myself and then turned off the shower. I worked a fresh towel furiously to clean my hair as quickly as possible. In a brief moment I had become exhausted and longed to sleep. I also found myself looking forward to going back to school after spring break, even if it meant facing Sookie with my secret. Feeling cold I dressed in comfortable, warm sweatpants and my TAMPA HIGH shirt. I looked at myself in the mirror but I kept seeing Heero's face, he looked much better in this shirt. I stepped out and saw Heero lying on his bed, facing the wall, but his eyes were open and looking at me. "Did you say something?" "No." "In the shower?" "I didn't say anything." I lied, sounding annoyed. I ripped the sheets off my bed and crawled inside. I turned off the lights and also turned to face the wall. I hadn't expected it, but Heero whispered in the dark, like he always did: "I love you." "I love you too." I hoped he meant it as much as I did. The next morning no words were spoken between us, but somehow we had agreed to go to the gym, so early in the morning we walked side by side. The sun shone beautifully in the clear skies. It had all the pretenses of being a perfect day. But I know that that was not up to the weather to decide. The receptionist greeted us amicably as she always did, but eyed Heero warily as she witnessed the last work-out session in which he mercilessly kicked me to the ground. Her look amused me, it lightened my mood. I still enjoyed seeing the expressions on people's faces when they realized what kind of strength the little Asian boy packed. I threw my heavy bag on the bench and picked a free locker of the many that were available. "I guess we won't be sparring today." Heero said. It had the tone of a joke but when I looked at his face it was impassive, so it was hard to tell. "We could spar if you want." "I don't." He was quick to say. "Oookay." I drawled, trying to lighten his mood as well. For a warm-up we headed for the treadmills, that hummed loudly in the otherwise quiet gym. Our sneakers squeaked in unison as we ran in pace with each other. Before I would run out of breath, I decided to start a conversation, to test the waters. "So, what do you think about last night?" It was a strategically ambiguous question. He had an equally ambiguous answer "It was alright." "Cool." What else was I supposed to say? I paused lengthily, deep in thought, before I inquired further "...Is "alright" an average, was everything alright, or was one particular thing alright?" Heero cocked his head to the side. Even through his thick skull I wasn't being very subtle. "Like, did you like the helicopter ride?" I continued, watching him closely to read his expression. His mask revealed nothing. "I've been in a helicopter before." "Did you like seeing Relena again?" He scrunched his face up and made me laugh. "I'm gonna take that as a no." He didn't argue with my assumption. "Did you like seeing the other pilots?" He gave my question a lot of thought, his final answer was a carefully formulated: "I'm not sure." I didn't know what that meant, I told him so. He thought for a long time again and then answered that he didn't really know either. His honesty made me smile. "That's okay. What uh... What did you think of our pool activities?" He looked sideways at me again, his frown was one of confusion. "Why are you asking all these questions?" I shrugged, trying to appear casual "No particular reason." "It was nice." This time when he turned his head, he turned it away from me. "And afterwards?" I kept looking at him, hoping his face would tell me something that his words refused to. "That was nice too. Weights?" He suddenly stopped his treadmill and jumped off even before the belt had come to a complete stop. I turned off mine and followed him to the weight section. There was another man there, he was wearing several layers of clothes but he appeared to be a bodybuilder of some sort. He didn't seem happy with our company. He was even more visibly displeased when I continued asking Heero questions till finally the man straightened up, revealing he was much shorter than me, about Heero's size and also much like Heero not at all impressed by my height and he huffed impatiently: "If you want to chat could you do it in the coffee corner? I need to focus." he took his weights and seated himself on the most distant bench. "Jeez." I said softly to Heero, but not soft enough, the man looked over his shoulder with warning eyes. However, what the man didn't know was that I used to be a Gundam pilot, I've stared down the barrels of many guns, rifles and laser beams, I was not impressed by his attitude, much less intimidated by his wordless threat. I sat myself down next to Heero, so close out legs were pressed against each other and I leaned in close to his ear, preparing to ask him candidly what he had been feeling the previous night that made him lock the door. But I stopped myself. I realized it wasn't the time, much less the place. My curiosity would have to wait to be satisfied. I kissed his ear and leaned back again. Instead of asking difficult questions I talked about going back to school the next day, sharing with him my excitement and fear, fully knowing there was nothing he could offer to calm my senses. He had only soft grunts and barely perceptible nods in his repertoire. I was grateful for them nonetheless. To the side the buff man walked away with a heavy sigh. I paid him no heed. Rather than taking to the ring and punching each other, we claimed a punching bag somewhere in the corner and I took the first turn whilst Heero held it to prevent it from swinging back and forth uncontrollably. I gave the sack some of my best punches and low kicks, feeling the whole thing shake at the strong impacts. As I kicked it I went back to a time and place long ago and far away. Like an outer-body experience I watched a short boy with a long braid kick a similar bag, that didn't even move from the force. "I said kick it not pet it!" An angry voice yelled from the dark. The boy kicked harder and faster and threw in a few punches for good measure. Sweat trickled down his forehead and back, his eyes were tired but determined. "That's barely a nudge!" He kicked it more, he kicked it harder. The bag swung slightly, but only like a gentle breeze had pushed it. In the background, that evil voice erupted in dark laughter. It grew louder and louder and more hateful. With growing anger the boy kept hitting and punching, trying to funnel his rage like a secret source of power, through his arms and through his legs, but the punching bag was unimpressed. As was the disembodied voice. "That's not how you punch! This is how you punch!" The voice grew a body and it stepped into the light. A big callous fist swung at the boy and hit him in his face. He lost his equilibrium and with pain he fell to the cold, concrete floor. And I realized that boy was me, as I still remembered the pain from having my nose broken. I looked up at the man, at G. I had held a hand to my face and felt the warmth of the blood spill onto it. "You are worthless, absolutely worthless! J was right! This is not the way!" He bent over and reached his arm around to the back of my neck and took a strong hold of the base of braid, pulling me up by it. I screamed in agony. He started pulling me along by my braid, but my legs were too tired to carry me at the pace he had set. They gave out and with a groan I was back on the floor. I saw my own blood coloring the grey concrete red. G did not stop, he adjusted his grip on my hair, mumbled something angrily and then just dragged me along. I clenched my teeth as all over my body my skin started to scrape and tear by the friction with the course concrete. Relief washed over me when he pulled me over the threshold and into the hallway, where the floor was smooth linoleum. I didn't struggle, I let him drag me through the entire building, bringing me back to my lonely, damp room - a cell. When he threw me in and locked the door - like he always did - I didn't feel scared, I felt safe. G was the only one who had a key. Inside my cell I was safe from the wrath of the other base employees, dark characters with scarred faces and big hands that turned into big fists. Did Heero think that way when he locked the door yesterday? I kicked the punching bag with all my strength and saw the leather ripple in slow motion. The bag pushed back again Heero, standing behind it and the force of the movement pushed him back a few steps. Panting, coming back to the present slowly but steadily, I apologized and asked him if he was alright. "I am." He said, with emphasis on "I". "Sorry." I said again. "Let's switch." I placed my hands against the leather of the bag and waited for Heero to ready himself. The first punch caught me off guard and I had trouble controlling the bag, but after that I was prepared and I kept it from swinging as Heero punched and kicked it. All the while I was wondering what he was thinking about, gazing at the stern look in his eyes. Lying on the concrete floor in that poorly lit training room was the first time I heard the name "J". I didn't know what it meant back then. I thought I was the only one. I thought G was the only one. It was strange to remember a time when I didn't even know of Heero's existence. I remember it as an empty childhood, without him. Without Heero there is nothing. My training had intensified and changed since that night. It was then that they started dragging me out of bed in the middle of the night, nearly drowning me in ice cold water, shocking me with stun guns or just have random, big men beat me up. I knew now what everything meant. What G had meant with what he said and why my training had suddenly changed, one year before the mission: G was trying to mimic J's training technique, in the hope of creating the same results as J created with Heero. But one year was not enough to break me, after a few months I would take it with a smirk, because I knew that I could take everything they could do to me. I had always thought of G of a heartless, ruthless man, but my perception of him has changed since I've met Heero and has grown more sympathetic and... appreciative, after Heero told me of the choking-bag. It was obvious G did not submit me to all the torture J had perfected to train the ultimate soldier. And now I wondered if maybe the old man cared for me more than he had ever let on. "That's enough." Heero suddenly said and he wiped some sweat off his upper lips with the back of his hand. "Let's shower." I nod and follow him back to the locker room. We get our bags out of our lockers and pick adjoining shower stalls. I never used to think that way before, but then, all I could think about was that Heero was only a few feet away, completely naked, separated only by a piece of plywood. I reached my hand out for the faucet and turned the shower cold. "Are you going to work today?" I asked, mostly to distract myself. "No. No work." He answered curtly. "Good. I like having you home." "I do have a conference next weekend." Heero admitted, his voice laced with traces of guilt. "I leave early Saturday and won't be back late Sunday." Disappointed I lowered my head. "Where are you going?" "New York." "Can't I come with you?" I pleaded, I dreaded the prospect of spending a night alone, not knowing where he was and if he was safe. "No." His answer, sadly, left no room for argument. I let the water beat all thought out of me, limply standing under the spray with weak legs and heavy arms. I heard Heero turn off his shower, already done. At that I reluctantly started massaging shampoo into my hair and rubbing soap over my body, scrubbing away the sweat. "Are you almost done?" His voice came from just outside my shower stall, just as the door of his fell shut after he exited it. "Uhm." My hands stilled in my foamed up hair. "No." I chuckled. "It's my impractical hair you see. Maybe you're right, maybe I should cut it all off." "No!" He seemed startled by his own sudden response. A purposeful silence fell between us till I finally broke it with a chuckle. "I wasn't being serious. I wouldn't cut off my hair if it caught on fire." We didn't say anything for a long time. I guess we were both lost in our own thoughts. Finally, I spoke up: "It's okay, you go home, you don't have to wait for me." He didn't respond but I heard his footfalls lead away from my shower stall and then in the distance a door opened and fell shut. I was worried about the anxiety between us. I thought we had made good progress, I thought he felt more confident and comfortable... with himself and with me. But it seemed that the more physical we became, the more he ultimately shied away from me and tried to push away, tried to create a distance that would protect him from vulnerability. I needed to have more patience, however, the waiting became more difficult as my body and my mind grew more needy of him everyday. I felt like he was disrupting a natural process between us, of growing into one another, like two olive trees planted side by side would entwine their branches and eventually their trunks, to stand stronger and more proud together. The more my branches reached for him, the more he leaned back. The more I tried to guide his leaves up, to the sun, the more he cast them down, into shadows, where they could not grow. With the soap rinsed from my hair and from my body I turned the shower off and leisurely dried myself off with the small towel I had brought. Fully dressed but barefoot I walked out of the shower stall and took a seat on the bench in between the rows of lockers and I dried one foot at a time and put on my shoes and my socks. I was all alone and I could feel it. The God of Death lingering within me grumbled disappointedly at my dependence, it wasn't like him and didn't use to be like me. It was a process I could not stop, but that was okay. Though sometimes I didn't like the feel of my heart clenching at the sullen, lost looks in his Heero's eyes, I knew it was something I needed to feel. In order to be alive and be a complete person. And only when I accepted that could I help Heero become complete. I flung my bag over my shoulder and treaded out of the locker room, careful not to slip on the wet floor. I nodded a modest goodbye to a different receptionist, a young girl, who beamed at me and delightedly announced: "Your friend is waiting for you outside." I frowned at her. "My friend?" "Hmhm. The cute boy with the messy bangs." He waited for me? I was bewildered and almost certain she was wrong. She probably just saw him walking outside and assumed he would be waiting for me. "Thanks..." I replied uncertainly and then waited for the automatic doors to slide open. Squinting in the heavenly sunlight I looked right first, there was a bench but there was no one there. Then I looked left and with an elevated feeling in my heart I saw him leaning against the outer wall of the gym, his hands tucked casually in his jeans pockets, frowning through his bangs that the wind enjoyed playing with. "Heero." I called. He looked over and when he recognized me he walked over to me, his expression never changing. I smiled, I couldn't help it. "You waited?" He tilted his head. "Obviously." "You didn't have a key?" "Of course I have a key. I'm not forgetful, like you are." His words were saying an accusation but his eyes had something humorous and light about them. I kissed the cute boy with the messy bangs right in front of the glass double doors, so the new receptionist could forget about possible plans she might have had. He is mine, I thought, as I released his lips after a brief, innocent but satisfying kiss. I offered him my hand and he took it and so we walked home hand in hand. I was deliriously happy, grateful that he was capable of pleasantly surprising me and offering me little, precious gifts as rewards for my patience.
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