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"Three"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: Yaoi, threesome, lemon Pairings: 5x1, 5x2x1, 2x1 Summary: Boy falls in love with roommate. Roommate has a boyfriend. There seems to be only one solution.
"Three" Part Six We got dressed and went out. Had a couple of drinks. Danced. Heero was between WuFei and I, pushing his ass back against the hard bulge between my legs and rocking his pelvis against WuFei. Our hands were all over him, hiking up his shirt to caress his heated skin. Sometimes my fingers would meet WuFei's by accident and it created surprising sparks. It was the start of a period that I would later comer to refer to as the 'honeymoon' and it lasted blissfully long, longer than we could have hoped for. At that point the three of us were so excited and incited by this new thing, exploring and sharing firsts together, that it distracted me and WuFei from that fact that the sparks between us never amounted to anything. We loved Heero, our love for him - and only our love for him - connected us. Sooner or later, that passionate, all-consuming love for Heero would overtake the situation, when the novelty of the threesome wore off. Our shared affections for Heero were an insufficient foundation for such a complicated relationship and thus it was doomed to fail. Once that fear crept up on me, I knew our days were numbered. Soon I found myself resenting WuFei's presence whenever I made love to Heero and when our hands would meet on his writhing body there were no more sparks to be detected. WuFei felt it too. The thing was, neither of us dared to say anything or do anything. Because we knew that if we did, it would all fall apart and we would lose Heero to the other and the reason we agreed to any of it, was always because we both wanted him. Letting go was not an option, we were both too stubborn. It became a bit of a tug-of-war, although we never competed in any way that would make it obvious to Heero. Heero didn't see it, we made sure of that. It didn't mean that I liked WuFei any less. I still liked him more and more every day, but only ever as a friend. And the more I liked him, the more I realized how much my feelings still fell short of what I felt I felt for Heero and that it always would. They were both my lovers, but only one of them was my love. I didn't like to admit it, because it made me feel like a backstabbing asshole, but the times that I spent alone with Heero I cherished the most. As agreed upon, we didn't have sex without WuFei, we would only kiss at times and sometimes we could not stop ourselves from heavily petting each other through the layers of clothes that we refused to take off out of principle. But even without sex, it were these moments in which I felt most connected to Heero and I would gladly trade our sexually active threesome, for that sexless twosome. It wasn't up to me, however and it wasn't up to WuFei either. Heero was the connective tissue that held us together and if the threesome ever broke apart, only he had any control over where the fault-line would be; between me and him or between him and WuFei. The only power WuFei and I held was the decision to snap ourselves off, leaving the other two together, we couldn't force the other out. Quitting never seemed like something either of us could do. Heero and WuFei were almost desperately holding onto each other because of their history, they simply couldn't let go of what once was, in the hopes that it could someday be like that again, with or without me. And I was pretty determined not to let go either. I had never had my heart broken before and I didn't feel like bringing the weight of that kind of hurt down onto myself. I was so devoted to Heero that I was no longer very susceptible to logic - the logic that we were only fooling ourselves, only buying time, that it would never work long-term - the voices in my head quieted and I thought the compromise was working, for all of us. We even convinced others, continuing to earn money making video's for the website. The illusion was shattered one day; abruptly and unexpectedly. We were on a date, the three of us. We didn't make ourselves look too suspicious because none of us were the type of guy to get touchy-feely in public. When most people looked at us, all they saw were three friends, only a discerning eye could pick up on the flirty undertones, but those could easily be dismissed. For this reason, dates were actually kind of fun. There was no pressure and we didn't receive any odd looks. We had dinner and then went to see a movie in the theater. We had popcorn thrown at us by others, who were annoyed by our incessant commentary throughout the movie. We laughed a lot and came to the conclusion that we should probably stick to watching movies at home, where no-one could be disrupted by our vocal cynicism. I could sympathize that, to most people, a movie wasn't very enjoyable when someone was constantly pointing out: "That's not real!" And "That could never happen." However, before we made it back home, one of us decided that it would be hot to have sex in the public restroom. It may very well have been my own idea. We went to the restrooms on the upper floor, it would be quieter there. We crammed ourselves into one of the stalls and without any thought process or strategizing, Heero ended up pressed up against the wall of the stall - an mirrored impression of the random carving of 'Q 3 T' would end up on Heero's cheek - I was behind Heero, fucking him, with our jeans halfway down our thighs and WuFei was behind me. I didn't even think about it. I was comfortable around WuFei, we had kissed, jerked each other off and exchanged blowjobs. The only thing we hadn't done was actually have sex together, for both of us it was always about Heero, ultimately. I was rocking into Heero, losing myself to him. All I could hear were his moans and I buried my nose in his hair, breathing in the smell that was distinctly his. That all changed when I felt the blunt head of WuFei's erection against my hole. A switch was flipped and all of a sudden all I could hear were his breaths and grunts, deafening in my ear, and all I could smell was his spicy cologne. All previous, erotic thoughts evaporated and there was only one thought left in my mind: I don't like this. I didn't say anything, because I felt like I couldn't, not without betraying the imbalance in the three-way relationship and risk being left out. The sensation of being deep inside Heero prevented me from going soft. I froze and bit down on Heero's neck when WuFei entered me. I would later brush off the mark as a love-bite because the truth made me feel dirty. The moment forced me to acknowledge how wrong the relationship was, how much of my integrity I was sacrificing to be with Heero. I had sworn off loveless sex on my big trip of self-discovery through Europe and yet there I was - in a public restroom of all places - being fucked, in arguably the most intimate way, by someone I didn't love, not like that at least. With effort I managed to reach my climax. I breathed a sigh of relief when it was over and WuFei pulled out of me. I managed to keep this hidden from my partners. I wasn't about to suddenly come out and say: you know what? This isn't working for me after all. We went home. It was quiet between us. Sometimes I would catch Heero frowning at me in the rear-view-mirror of WuFei's car as he drove us all back to the apartment. At home, in Heero's bedroom, the three of us had sex again and I suspected they had both picked up on the change in of my mood. I got the sense they knew something had gone wrong and that they had to fix it somehow, but they didn't seem clued in to what the mistake had been. Without giving anything away, I orchestrated the scene so Heero would top me, to replace the sensations that WuFei had left inside me. The memory was erased with the first thrust, so effortlessly. It was pleasant. It was pleasant in a way that caused me self-doubt. WuFei was behind Heero and I didn't see him, I didn't even hear him, which was the predominant reason why I had grown to like this arrangement in the bedroom, even though my preference was to top. On all fours, with Heero rocking into me, I forgot about WuFei. The bubble shrank to such a small, cozy size that it excluded him and it was just Heero and I, together, cooped up in that bubble. But all bubbles must pop. In the aftermath Heero crawled to WuFei, laying on his side next to him. The Japanese man extended his arm back, blindly searching for me. I gave him my arm and let me pull me to him, with the intention of it being the last time. I pressed my chest against his back and rested my head on the pillow, so close to his my nose was tickled by his wild hair. Heero placed our hands - intertwined - on WuFei's chest. The three of us shared the bed that night, like we had done several times before. Heero always served as a buffer between the Chinese man and myself and that night was no different. I clung to him and pretended that I didn't hear WuFei's soft snore. Logically, I should have snuck out of the bed and slept in my own room, but I had myself convinced there would be no harm in one last 'hoorah'. WuFei left very early in the morning, before the sun had even thought to peek over the horizon. He had classes that day, starting at eight, and he still had to drive home and get a change of clothes and probably shower too. The alarm on his phone went off at fuck'o'clock, waking him instantly. He shut the alarm off before the third beep. Heero's sleep continued, undisturbed. I had been awake the entire night - or so it felt, if I had nodded off, it had been for short increments only - but I feigned sleep when I felt WuFei stir. The mattress dipped and moved slightly as he crawled out of bed carefully and quietly. He knew Heero could sleep through an earthquake, but he thought I was still sleeping and he was being quiet for my sake. See, how could I possibly hate a guy like that? I didn't trust myself to even be able to make eye-contact with him without betraying my change of heart, that was why I pretended to sleep soundly. I didn't open my eyes until I heard the soft click of the bedroom door being closed behind him. Heero hadn't been aware of his boyfriend's departure. His breathing was deep and even, every muscle in his body was enviously relaxed as he continued his deep, dreamless slumber. I stared past his ear at the wall opposite to the window. The blue color on the wall changed from a steel blue to a warm tone with the rising of the sun. Streaks of sunlight broke into the space through crack in the curtain, moving across walls and furniture and casting shadows. One slither crept up Heero's exposed arm. I watched it move from his elbow to his shoulder, where it suddenly disappeared. With my nose I nuzzled the hairs at the nape of his neck and raised my head off the pillow to peek over his shoulder at his calm, peaceful features. I kissed the shell of his ear, the side of his neck and his bare shoulder. The arm around his body started to move, without my conscious control. The hand disentangled from his limp fingers and the knuckles brushed up and down his abdomen at the height of the lowest ribs. Heero sighed, but never showed any signs of waking up. A last hoorah, I thought to myself. Merely lying next to him as he slept hadn't been much of a hoorah... I shifted behind him, scooting even closer to him. My hand became more purposeful, making larger movements on his torso and reaching lower every time. He moaned contently but he was still fast asleep. I rocked my pelvis against him nearly imperceptibly, but it was enough to encourage my body to reach a full state of arousal. Finally, my hand went low enough with the downward stroke and I discovered Heero's body had reacted positively to my ministrations and he was sporting morning wood. I whispered his name and rained kisses on the back of his neck and his shoulders. "Hm... Duo..." I stilled and looked over his shoulder. His eyes were still closed, but moving back and forth behind his eyelids. His mouth was open with slow pants but he didn't say anything else. He was dreaming. He was dreaming of me. Encouraged and emboldened, I took his erection into my hand and stroked it slowly, lovingly. He arched his back and moved into my hand as well as back against my stiff arousal. "I love you, Heero," I whispered to him. I had never told him that before, even though it had been obvious to me for a while by then. Still fast asleep, he was not capable of responding. I leaned over him a little further and placed a kiss on the corner of his mouth, I couldn't properly reach his lips. I lay back down and looked over my shoulder. My eyes found the bottle of lube. It was still on the bed, to the left of the pillow, right where we left it after using it yesterday. I couldn't possibly! "Duo... ah..." My cock, sandwiched between us, danced at his subconscious moans. Without pausing to give it the amount of thought that would have surely stopped me, I rolled away from him briefly to retrieve the lube. We both sighed when I pressed against him again. One of my arms was trapped underneath Heero's head, so I could use only one hand and it was a struggle to pop the tight cap of the bottle, I couldn't get any grip on the thing. Finally, it snapped open and I squeezed the last of the clear liquid directly onto myself and rubbed it in with two or three strokes and then ran my slick hand between Heero's ass-cheeks. I positioned myself and my skin flushed with heat but at the same time a cold sweat hit me. We had agreed that we would never do anything unless all three of us were present, I reminded myself. But there he lay, tempting as ever, moaning my name - not WuFei's name! - and waking him up like this had always been a fantasy, ever since WuFei first told me how deeply Heero slept. The thought process was cut short. He pushed back against me, mewling softly and wantonly. I lost my grip on the last, slippery bit of control and it was all sensation-based from that point on. With a snap of my pelvis I thrust the entire length of my erection into him. His mouth opened first, but when a soft moan developed into a cry, his eyes flew open. "Ah!" He was visibly confused. He turned his head to look at me over his shoulder. His eyes were wide with shock. "Good morning." I made use of the opportunity and kissed his mouth. "What are you-... Ah! Hn..." He lost the ability to speak when I started rocking our bodies together. He turned his head the other way again and bit into the pillow. 'Pillow-biter', that was one of the derogative names my brother and I used to call him. Much like 'Cocksucker', the word had lost its negative connotation to me once I started to come to terms with my own sexuality. Nowadays, I loved pillow-biters and cocksuckers, Heero most of all. My rhythm was slow and gentle, because it never was whenever WuFei was also around and it was something I had been craving. My thrusts were only shallow, but it felt wonderful for us to be moving together. Heero further arched his back and he reached one hand back and grabbed hold of my thigh, gripping a handful of flesh and pulling me closer to him, making sure I was all the way inside him. He was not denying me, but still he said: "I don't think we should be doing this without WuFei." His incessant moans told me I didn't have to worry. "Do you want me to stop?" I winced when his fingers dug into my leg further, the short nails leaving crescent shapes in my skin. "No, no... Please..." I growled and bit into his neck. The pressure in my belly built and 'slow and steady' wouldn't cut it anymore. I felt a wildness in me that needed to be unleashed. I hooked my hand under his knee and raised his left leg and I started fucking him earnestly. He let out a strangled cry and took his hand off my outer thigh to pleasure himself. He could tell I wasn't going to be able to last much longer. He turned his head and I knew what he wanted, his lips were begging for it. I connected our mouths and kissed him savagely, pouring all of my desperation into the kiss. I knew it would be the last time, but he didn't know that yet. When I came, I couldn't maintain the kiss. I merely groaned and growled into his open mouth. Heero followed me shortly, his gratified moan blending in with the pathetic sounds I had been making as I rode the waves of my orgasm. We panted harshly until, eventually, I caught my breath and, in a momentary lapse of reason, I whispered: "I love you, Heero." No bullshit. His reply was immediate. "I love you too." My heart swelled. My arms tightened around him. I didn't ask him if he still loved WuFei, I was too scared of the answer. I didn't want to ruin the moment, that last moment. I planted one last kiss on his lips and then rolled away from him. I sat on the edge of the bed for a minute, gathering my composure and organizing my thoughts. I realized that I owed it to WuFei to tell him first, he deserved to get a heads-up, so he would have a chance to salvage his relationship with Heero. My presence had been a crutch to its limping gait, he had to figure out how to keep moving forward without me. Surely he would be pleased though, he would have his boyfriend all to himself again. He had won. "Where are you going?" Heero asked when I got up from the bed. "I'm going to make us breakfast." "French toast?" He cheekily suggested. I looked back at him and smiled. "Sure." I loved the way he looked at me, with both trust and the excitement of something new; both satisfaction and longing. When I was at the stove, in my underwear and a wrinkled T-shirt that I had picked up from the pile of clean laundry, flipping French toast over in a hot pan, he came to stand behind me. He snaked his arms around me and rested his head against my back. I could feel his breath through the worn, thin fabric of my shirt. "I'm still horny," He muttered. "Is it because of the French toast?" I laughed. "It's because of the French toast, isn't it?" "It's because of you." I didn't say anything, but I felt myself tense up, so he must have felt it too. He detached himself from me. He stood beside me, leaning his hip against the countertop. He watched the movement of the spatula that I held loosely and used to flip the toast in the pan and then transfer the finished pieces to an awaiting plate. I glanced at him quickly and noticed a sullen expression on his face. He watched the process of me making breakfast drearily. His shift from admitting that he was horny to that brooding gloom was jarring but I wasn't about to comment on it. I didn't want to lie to him, so if I were to avoid telling him about my decision regarding our very complicated relationship, I had to avoid all subjects that were even an inch below the surface. I was really stretching the limits of the no-bullshit-agreement, but I didn't want to get Heero upset and confused and then just dump that on WuFei. Heero was no fool. He could tell there was something that had to be said, but purposefully wasn't allowed to be put into words. He didn't press and I suspected he knew what was going on and he simply preferred to stick his head in the sand and leave the truth unspoken for a little while longer so we could all continue to ignore it for a little while. We were all standing on shaky ground and there was no shame putting things on pause for a second to give us all a chance to grab something sturdy to latch onto before the ground would start splitting and opening up underneath us. He did not end up eating much of the toast, with the excuse that he still wanted to go on his daily run. I used that prompt to steer the conversation towards the weather, the most shallow of all subjects known to man, a safe bet. We talked about the weather at length, about the thunderstorms that had been predicted for this Friday but that the forecasts were all clear and sunshine now. That spring boarded a discussion about the unreliability of weather forecasts which lasted all the way through the last bite of toast. It was embarrassing and uncomfortable. I was reminded of the kind of conversations that my parents used to have, shortly after Solo had died. My mother tried every dull approach to keep the silence from settling in, because we all knew what would happen once we allowed the silence to come. The truth. Things were better after he came back from his run. He had exchanged his dour mood from that morning with a remarkably chipper one. I was familiar with the uplifting effect of physical exercise, thanks to Heero, so I shrugged it off. Later in the afternoon, I left the apartment. I told Heero I was going to study at the music hall. In reality, I was going to see WuFei. I knew where he lived, but I had never actually been to his place, another testament to the extent to which my relationship with WuFei was solely about my relationship with Heero. Like our apartment, WuFei had a very nice place. The apartment was smaller, because WuFei used most of his 'porn-income' to finance his regular trips to China to be with his family, but it was still nicely furnished with simplistic, oriental-style furniture and a traditional, almost stereotypical color-scheme of black, tan and red, with gold accents. Definitely harkening back to his roots. "Nice place," I admired as I stepped inside, without actually being invited in. WuFei hadn't said anything to me yet, he had just looked at me oddly when he opened the door and saw me. "I've never been here before." "No," He said and the implied 'and you shouldn't be here right now' hung heavily in the air. I stopped in the middle of the living room and looked around. I knew I was stalling, but I needed a minute to get comfortable and put myself at ease. My heart had been racing all the way over to his place. I worried that I could possibly be making a mistake, but then I remembered how horrible I had felt the evening before and I was reassured that I had come to the right decision. WuFei wasn't falling for the lighthearted chitchat as easily as Heero had. "Why are you here? Is something wrong?" "Don't you think it's weird that we have, technically, been in a relationship for - what? - two months now and I've never been to your apartment?" "Nothing about our relationship is 'not weird', so seeing as it fits in perfectly with the norm, I've never thought of it as odd." I nodded. "Good point." "This is about yesterday," He surmised and his voice softened. "About what happened in the restroom stall." I stiffened visibly. I hadn't expected for the conversation to turn that serious so soon. "I'm sorry." His tone was genuinely apologetic. "I knew I shouldn't have done that, certainly not without asking you for your permission first." I tried to make light of it, as I had for my own sake before. "We've done so much together already..." "But not that," He pointed out with steeled gaze. "No... not that." "I'm sorry," He repeated. He folded his arms in front of his chest, giving away his discomfort. He tried to explain: "I can't say it was a completely innocent mistake. You were all over Heero and you both seemed to forget about me. You didn't leave me much options to include myself. There was some resentment involved and I acted rashly and unforgivably. I didn't think it through." "It was just your way of saying 'I'm still here'," I concluded. He nodded and looked away in shame and anger. He wasn't happy about the fact that he had let himself lose control like that. "Well, I heard you loud and clear." I chuckled bitterly. "Did I hurt you?" My face went beet red. "What? No, no nothing like that. It was fine, for all intents and purposes," I waved my hand dismissively, "it just wasn't what I wanted, or what I was prepared for." "I'm very sorry." I shook my head. "You've apologized enough, WuFei. I'm not here because I'm upset with you." "Why are you here?" He asked sharply. He dared to ask the type of question that both Heero and I had not been able to ask that morning, the kind of question that prompted the expected, but no less hurtful truth. He already knew why I had come, but he needed to hear me say it. "I can't do it anymore." It was out quickly. The sting was intense, but short-lived, like ripping off a band aid. He sighed. "I can't be in this relationship with you guys, in spite of the many benefits," I elaborated. "I can't stand sharing Heero with you. I can't stand all this wrong stuff I am doing just to stay close to him. It's not fair to any of us." I frowned at him as I scrutinized his reaction. I had expected some conflict to be reflected on his face, but also a hint of victory. His expression was all about despair and it confused me. Realizing what might have been my mistake, I clarified: "I'm not going to fight you for him. I'm saying I'm out, so you two can be together the way you were. I'm not going to interfere anymore and I'm not going to try to win him over. He is your boyfriend, first and foremost. I get that." The thin line of his mouth only tightened further. His gaze was off to the side, his black eyes were searching something in the thin air. "I don't understand," I admitted, my confusion obvious in my tone. "I thought you would be at least a little relieved... Don't you want me to bow out?" "No." I chuckled nervously. "Why not? Don't tell me you've fallen in love with me." He snorted. Woa, okay, I guess not. Thanks... "No," He said, "I'm afraid that, when you leave, Heero is going to realize he is no longer in love with me." I stared at him and had nothing to say. "You've been a lightning-rod," He explained, "You've been channeling all this excitement into our relationship and this charge has kept our relationship alive all this time. Without you, the thing is going to flat-line, like it had before, only now he'll know how to fix it: by being with you." It took me a moment to figure out what to say. "Even if that is true, I'm just the exciting stimulation, that's all. He still loves you and he won't love you any less without me in the picture." "That is very nice of you to say, but I don't think that is true." "Come on, man. I'm not that guy! I'm not the guy that breaks up couples!" He shrugged. "It's not your fault." "It feels like it!" "It's fine, Duo. I'm not angry or upset with you." "No, I am upset with me." I glared at him. "And angry at you." In the blink of an eye his demeanor changed. "What the fuck have I done?" "You're giving up way too easily! So what, you- you hit a speedbump and instead of giving a little more throttle, you shift into reverse?" He narrowed his eyes at me. "Nice analogy, but this 'speedbump' you're referring to is more like mount Everest and we've been up there for over a year at this point. Without oxygen!" He made wild gestures with his hands. "Our relationship is in a coma, Duo. Heck, if we're going with analogies; we're brain dead and you have been our life support. What the fuck do you think it going to happen when you pull the plug?" "That you would wake up! You two could be great together, you fit together perfectly. When you shock a dead person, they could reanimate. It could be like that." He rolled his eyes at me. I continued: "I don't want you to give up. If the relationship really is over, than that's the way it is, but don't throw in the towel now. Not after your opponent has tapped out. You have a chance. Use it." I took a deep breath and, suddenly, I started to laugh. "What?" "I just- We've used so many metaphors... I'm confused." He chuckled bitterly. I lowered myself onto the armrest of the couch and let the tension deflate before I continued more calmly: "We will tell him, today." My decision seemed to frighten him. "There's no point in dragging it out." He sighed and sat down on his couch. "If it's what you want..." "It is." "Do you really think Heero and I can still work?" There was a delay before I answered: "Yes." The delay was not because I doubted their relationship, but because it was difficult for me to admit that they made more sense as a couple than Heero and I. They were right for each other, whereas I... I didn't deserve Heero, I didn't deserve his love, not after what I had put him through when we were younger. WuFei had never wronged him, he had never torn him down, instead he had built up his confidence. I was only ever good at destroying things. I loved Heero enough to admit that WuFei was the better man and Heero certainly deserved the better man. We didn't waste any time. I wanted to get it over with, before I could selfishly have another change of heart. I knew how fickle I could be, how easily I could change my mind. I needed for it to be done, so there would be no turning back. WuFei was reluctant. Initially, he didn't want to be there when I broke the news, because he didn't want it to seem like he had forced me to back out. I assured him that it would be best if we would all be there, it concerned us all and I still wanted us to be friends afterwards. Heero greeted us when we walked into the apartment. He had just come down from the loft, carrying a stack of papers, which he stuffed into his shoulder bag. "I had to print out about a million lines of code," He snorted, "How can a professor in computer science still insist on having students hand in their assignments on paper? I bet he has made a deal with the local office supply store and gets a cut of their earnings on printing paper and cartridges." "Heero, have a seat," WuFei cut in with a strict, serious tone. I shot him a look, I had warned him not to be dramatic about it. Heero froze and his gaze shifted between us. He looked unsettled. "What's wrong?" "Nothing is wrong," I hurried and dropped down into one of the lounge chairs. WuFei and Heero took a seat on the couch and they both ended up looking at me expectantly. Bite the bullet, I told myself. "I'm bowing out." Heero's eyebrows twitched into a frown. Recognizing the confusion in his eyes, I clarified: "I suppose you could say: I'm breaking up with you, both of you." "Oh." The Japanese man turned to WuFei, but the black eyes were quick to avoid eye-contact. "I really enjoyed the past couple of months," I elaborated, "But being in a relationship with two people is too complicated for me. It's not working for me." Heero looked at me intently, focusing on my words and quietly digesting them. "I'm sorry. But I'm out." "Okay." WuFei and I blinked at Heero's casual acceptance of the news. The young man laughed. "Jesus, you guys had me worried there for a second. With the looks on your faces, I thought someone had died or something." He swatted his hand against WuFei's knee playfully and got up. "Wait, Heero," I stopped him, more than a little surprised by his reaction, perhaps even a little offended by how effortlessly I was dismissed from the relationship. Secretly, I had hoped he would try to talk me out of it. "You do get what I'm saying, right?" "Of course." At my apparent confusion, he explained his reaction: "I knew this was coming. I know you, Duo, you're flaky. You always change your mind." Even though there was no malice in his tone, I was still perturbed and disappointed. "Uhm..." WuFei jumped in, he was as befuddled as I was. "So you're okay with it just being the two of us again?" "Why wouldn't I be?" He got a bottle of water from the fridge and took a swig, casual as you please. "Well... Uh... Great..." I stumbled. "And we're still friends right?" "Of course." He glanced down at his watch. "I'm sorry, I know we usually have movie night, but I promised to go over my code with a classmate, he got a C for his last assignment, so..." He made a face. "I have to head out." "Sure..." He smiled and picked his bag up from the couch, hooking the strap over his shoulder. He leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on WuFei's cheek. "Dinner tomorrow?" "Great." "Cool." He turned to look at me. "And I guess I'll see you later tonight." He waved halfheartedly and then he was out the door within a few seconds. "Okayyy," I drawled. "That went... well." "Yeah..." I didn't understand why his reaction to the break-up was so blasé. My ego was hurt and although it affirmed my decision to step out, I felt worse about the call I had made than I had before. WuFei couldn't explain it either, he shrugged when I gave him a quizzical look. Out of habit, more than anything, I invited WuFei to stay for the evening and watch a movie with me, but he declined and it was for the better. It was too awkward. I hoped time would solve this eventually, but for now being around him didn't feel like hanging out with a friend, it felt like being stuck with my ex's boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend, all wrapped in one. I was discretely grateful when he left. Just like that, I was alone. Alone and lonely. With nothing to do but wallow, I went to bed, it was the best I could do to escape my thoughts. I hadn't slept the previous night, so in spite of my tossing and turning, I fell asleep after only a couple of minutes. I didn't wake up until the sun was shining brightly into my room and I heard the clatter of water on stone tiles as Heero showered; he had already returned from his morning run. The bathroom door was unlocked and left ajar, nothing unusual. When I had been part of the relationship, I would have no qualms about barging in, taking a piss and brushing my teeth while following the blurred contours of Heero's silhouette through the fogged-up glass of the shower stall, but I had to remind myself that he had reverted back to being roommates and nothing else. After hovering outside the bedroom door - for an inappropriate amount of time - I headed for the kitchen to make coffee. I was nursing a big mug of the black brew, hunched over the breakfast bar, when Heero emerged freshly showered. "Good morning," I croaked. I tried not to watch as he prepared his breakfast, but how could I not? His hair was still wet and a few shades darker, the strands clung together in thick tendrils and he kept running his hand through, pushing his bangs out of his face - and I would watch them slowly slip back. His neck and shoulders, left exposed by his white tank top, were glistening with beads of water, clearly he hadn't bothered toweling off properly. Worst thing were the jeans; the jeans that I used to love, but hated in that moment, because they reminded me so cruelly of what I passed up on. The tight, blue jeans fit him perfectly, riding up between his ass cheeks just right and the denim fabric was drawn taut over his thighs and calves. What really killed me was knowing that he never wore underwear under that particular pair. I was caught staring so I hid behind my massive cup. "Any plans for today?" He inquired. "No. Just... study... the usual..." Jerk off and have a cry maybe... "I'm going to the grocery store, did you need anything?" I grimaced into my mug, remembering the conversation the three of us had had before about needing to get a new tube of lube and I had used up the last of it yesterday morning for my 'last hoorah'. "No, thanks. I'm good." Remembering to buy lube was their problem now... "Okay." He put away his bowl of yoghurt and started towards the door. "You're heading out like that?" The question slipped past my lips before I could filter my thoughts. You could see everything in those jeans, which was why he usually paired it with a longer shirt or sweater. He looked down his own body with a sheepish smile. "Duo, it's like ninety-five degrees outside." I mumbled something into my mug and then he left. How was I supposed to do this? Everyone could see him but I was the only one no longer allowed to look! "I am such an idiot," I chastised myself. I was still convinced I had made the right decision, but following through would be harder than I had anticipated. I moped around the apartment during the weekend. Sometimes, whenever he was home, I caught Heero looking at me and I wondered what he was thinking, but I could never tell. My roommate and his boyfriend slipped back into their usual routine and I felt left behind. Too sullen to be able to tell if they were happy for it to be just the two of them again, or if they were struggling as a twosome, the way they had before, as WuFei had confessed. I wasn't going to ask any questions, I wasn't going to meddle. I would pretend to be giving them their privacy for their sake, should they ever ask, but in reality, I didn't trust myself if Heero ever felt compelled to express difficulties in his relationship with WuFei to me. I worried I would abuse that situation to win him over, when I had promised WuFei I wouldn't. But I couldn't stop myself from stealing looks at my roommate and masturbating to the thought of him slipping into my bedroom in the depths of night and tell me he wanted me and no one else. I was caught off guard one evening, three weeks later, during the first attempt at movie night post-break-up - we had all found excuses to skip out the previous times - when WuFei remarked in passing: "There's this really great transfer student in my class." I tore my eyes away from the pan of melting butter I was stirring in. Heero had left only seconds before to get a six pack of beer and I couldn't help but notice the Chinese man had waited until his boyfriend was gone before mentioning 'this great guy'. I knew what he was getting at, but I played dumb. "Oh? Transfer from where?" "Europe... someplace. He's going to be here 'til the end of summer." "Hn." WuFei is trying to set me up with a rebound? "He's really into Jazz music. He's played the saxophone since he was six years old." With my back turned towards him, it was safe to roll my eyes. The music-connection and the Europe-reference confirmed my suspicion that WuFei was trying to set me up with this guy. He must have innocently figured that we would have enough in common and to talk about because I've been to Europe and because we both played instruments. "You'd like him," He pressed on, urging me to jump in and ask more about 'this great guy'. I snorted, I couldn't help it. "Why? Because he likes music?" Heero doesn't play an instrument and yet I've never felt more connected to him than to anyone else... "What makes you think that a common interest in music would ensure that we would hit it off?" "He's really hot." I laughed, the malice was gone. "Yeah? What does he look like?" "Short. Lithe. Brown hair. Blue eyes." I turned around with a quirked eyebrow. "I know what it sounds like, but he doesn't really look like Heero..." "Right." "His name is Jovan, he's from Bulgaria. Have you been to Bulgaria?" "Nope." "Oh. Well, maybe he'll tell you all about it." "When?" He sighed and finally admitted: "I thought you could go on a date with him. We could go on a double date. You and Jovan, me and Heero." "Wow, so we've graduated from a threesome to a foursome? Is that what you're getting at?" "Not at all!" He hurried, missing my joke. "I happen to think it would be good for you- for all of us," He made a face at his own confession, "if you could move on." "Oh?" "Goddammit, Maxwell, work with me here!" He wasn't really angry, just frustrated that I wasn't cooperating. "You said you wanted to help. How much trouble is it to go on a date with a hot guy?" "How is me going on a double date with a hot guy going to help you and Heero?" "It'll be good for him to see that you were serious when you said you were bowing out," He said through gritted teeth. "I think he understood me pretty clearly." He shook his head and scoffed. "You are so blind." "Go on then, spit it out." "He is still expecting you to change your mind back. The way he sees it, this is just a little break." "What makes you say that?" "Because we haven't had sex!" He hissed and then looked around himself, as if the walls had heard and would tell Heero. "We haven't had sex, the two of us. He's holding out, he is waiting for you." He stopped and chewed on the inside of his cheek. I couldn't let it show, but I was happy to hear him say that, whether or not it was really true that Heero was waiting for me, at least it was apparent he wasn't as interested in sex with just WuFei as he had been with me around. It was wrong that the news pleased me, but I had really hated the thought that Heero didn't miss me at all. I agreed to go on a date with this 'great guy'. My reasons were more selfish than WuFei might have suspected. Hearing that Heero might be missing me had a powerful influence on me, dating someone new would be a good way to distract myself and prevent me from giving into my urge to sneak into Heero's room at night and wake him up with my dick up his ass the way I had that last time. I was also curious to see if WuFei's theory could be proven correct. I wondered if I could make Heero jealous. My roommate returned with the six pack of beer and we watched a movie on the couch. More than anything, I pretended to watch. I didn't know when WuFei told Heero about the double date scenario, perhaps only minutes before he and Jovan showed up at the apartment to pick up both Heero and I. Jovan and I crawled into the backseat of WuFei's car. Jovan asked me a lot of questions, mostly regarding my music. I could tell from the moment our eyes first met that he was quite pleased with what he saw and I shouldn't have been disappointed either. Like promised, Jovan was short, but lithe. His shoulder-length, brown hair was half done-up in a tiny bun at the back of his head. Wayward strands framed an angular face, with high, cut cheekbones and a sharply defined jawline. His ice-blue eyes were remarkable. He was exceptionally attractive, an unbiased bystander might even consider him to be more beautiful than Heero, but I was unimpressed. The obvious truth was biting: he wasn't Heero. WuFei made eye-contact with me through the rear-view-mirror. He had noticed Jovan did most of the talking and I couldn't be bothered with much more than single syllable replies. "Have you told him about your trip through Europe yet?" I glared at him. "No." "You've been to Europe?" Jovan asked, quite excited. "Yeah." "Have you been to Bulgaria?" "No." "You should go sometime." "Sure." "Where did you go?" "All-over." He smirked. "Except Bulgaria." "Yes." Not deterred, even though the Slavic young man must have recognized my scathing disinterest, he asked: "Why did you go to Europe?" I shrugged. "I just had to get away." "Why?" "Because my brother died." "Oh." He bit his lip and turned to look out the window. He didn't say much more for the remainder of the drive to the restaurant. At the restaurant we were seated in a cozy booth that forced me to sit shoulder-to-shoulder with Jovan and I had to watch WuFei wrap an arm around Heero. Aside from placing his order, the Japanese man hadn't said anything since we left the apartment. He kept staring at me, coldly, and didn't try to hide it, not from anyone of us. It was unnerving and I didn't know what it meant. I focused my attention on my date. It wasn't fair of me to treat him so horribly, for all intents and purposes, he really was a great guy and I shouldn't brush him off just because I was in love with someone else. I tried to ignore both Heero and WuFei and spent the evening quietly talking to Jovan. The couple across from us was mostly silent as they ate their meals. All I ever caught them saying was "This is delicious" and "Are you going to finish that?". While we were waiting for our desserts and were discussing France - Jovan had spent many summers there with his family when he was younger - I stopped midway into my story when I felt Jovan place a hand on my knee. Even though we had been talking and hitting it off quite well, I hadn't expected that. Faced with silence but no objections, he slid his hand up my thigh, stopping just short of my crotch. His fingers left a trail of pleasant tingles. I chuckled nervously and he grinned. Dessert was served and the hand disappeared before the waiter could give us a warning look. WuFei had had a few beers during dinner, so Heero took a seat behind the wheel when it was time to head home. Jovan was next to me in the back seat and had his hand on my leg again, the thumb was moving back and forth suggestively. He was very open and bold with his touches and flirtatious remarks. I wasn't left completely unaffected by his advances, but sometimes when I looked up at the rear-view-mirror I was just in time to see Heero averting his eyes. The car came to halt in front of the dorms and WuFei encouraged me to walk Jovan to the front door. I did. We bumped shoulders many times as we walked side by side up the path to the front door. Dull music was booming and there were red cups and cigarette butts scattered over the lawn on either side of the path. "I don't miss living in the dorms," I told him. "I don't mind it," He said with a shrug. "It's better than living back home, with my parents. And my roommate has a girlfriend so he is gone most of the time." He batted his eyelashes at me. "You can come up if you want. I know he's away this night." I shook my head at the blatant invitation. "No, I'm sorry. That doesn't seem right after only one date." "Why not? WuFei told me you weren't really looking for anything too serious. He mentioned a break-up." I looked back at the vehicle, but WuFei had his head turned towards the driver's side. "What did he say?" "Not much. Just that you recently broke up. Was it bad?" "No." I sighed. "It was very amicable." "But you miss him?" I smiled bitterly. "Very much." "I'd be happy to help you miss him less tonight." "Thank you, but... flings aren't really my thing. Not anymore." "Okay, that's fair." He smirked. "But at least give me a kiss goodnight." A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. I let Jovan pull me down and into a kiss. He wasn't shy about getting the most out of it, kissing me deeply and intensely, surely trying to let me know what I was missing out on. He pulled back and grinned. "Do you think he saw that?" "Who?" "Heero. He's the guy, right?" I blinked at him. "Did I make it that obvious?" He shook his head. "You didn't. He did." He nodded back at the car. "He has been glaring daggers at me all night. That's the expression, right? Glaring daggers?" "Yeah..." He stepped up to the front door and opened it. "Goodnight." "Goodnight." I watched the door fell shut. For a moment I was too stunned. I walked back to the car and climbed into the backseat. Heero didn't say anything and neither did WuFei. The car pulled away sharply. The Chinese man was dropped off at his apartment. Heero would drive his car back tomorrow and go on his morning run after. Only ten minutes latervwe were back at our apartment building. I waited out by the front door as Heero parked the car, even though he had told me I should just head up by myself. Waiting for the elevator in absolute silence was extremely uncomfortable. He had his arms crossed in front of his chest and leaned back against the wall as the elevator crawled up the shaft to our floor. "Jovan was nice," I said, to test the waters. "Yes, I could tell you liked him," He bit. The doors slid open and I followed Heero down the hall to our door. I waited until we were in the privacy of our apartment before I dared to confront him. "Why are you so angry?" I was confused more than anything, but my tone of voice slipped into something angry and demanding. "Because I just had a fucking awful evening!" He growled and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. As the designated driver, he hadn't been allowed to drink all night. "Why?!" "I didn't want to see any of that!" He shouted. "Any of what?" "You and Jovan! He was all over you! Touching you, kissing you..." He looked off to the side, his eyes were narrowed with anger, but the tone of his voice betrayed his true feelings. He was jealous. WuFei and Jovan had been right, he still wanted me. "I don't understand this!" I exclaimed. "You were fine with me backing out of the relationship. Hell, you even said you expected it!" "I did expect it!" He argued, regarding me with wild eyes. "I expected you would want to take a break sooner or later. But I also expected that you would change your mind back and that you would come back to me- to us," He corrected himself. "But I didn't say I wanted to take a break. I told you I was done. I told you I couldn't do it." My voice had softened. "I didn't think it was definitive. You always go back and forth!" He snarled. "Just that morning you told me you loved me! Or didn't you mean that?" "Of course I meant it!" I took a step towards him and watched him shrink back against the counter and wrap his arms around himself. My heart clenched. "Heero, of course I love you..." "Then why can't we go back to how it was before? What was wrong with that?" I shook my head. "I can't do it, Heero. Precisely because I love you as much as I do, I can't share you with someone else. And I like WuFei, but I don't love him. Not like that." "So because you don't love WuFei you are done with me?" "What would you have wanted me to do? Challenge WuFei to a duel for your hand in marriage?" My joke was inappropriate, but the point I was trying to make was sincere. "He was your boyfriend, long before I came along. I respect that. 'Last in, first out', it's only fair." He bit on his lower lip and refused to make eye-contact. "If I hadn't decided to leave, if I had forced you to choose between one of us... Who would you have picked?" I challenged. He whispered is reply: "I don't know. I love you, but..." I nodded. "You still love WuFei as well." He reached out and twisted his fingers into the front of my shirt, pulling me closer to him. Our foreheads touched, our bangs blended together. I could feel his warm, trembling breath on my face. He licked his lips. Because my gaze was focused on his eyes I heard it more than I saw it. My body felt hot all over. Knowing that he wanted me - wanted me so badly! - set me alight. Without thinking, I leaned into him, connecting our lower bodies. We both gasped and our mouths came dangerously close. "I don't feel this way when I'm with WuFei," Was his pained admission. His lips brushed against mine as he spoke. "How do you feel when you are with him?" "I feel..." He paused to carefully consider his answer. "Safe. Comfortable..." "It's easy with him," I surmised. "There are no unwanted surprises." He nodded but said: "There are no wanted surprises either. It's all habitual... Routinely... Scheduled and calculated..." He started to grind his pelvis against mine. "But you still love him." His face contorted, he whined: "Yes." "It's okay. I understand. I don't blame you for wanting to feel safe and comfortable." "But I also want to feel the way I do when I'm with you." He tucked his head under my chin and kissed my throat and flicked his tongue over my Adam's apple. "You make me feel charged, invincible, desirable... You make me laugh and feel excited about the future." I put my hands on the counter on either side of him, gripping the edge tightly. It was all I could do to keep my hands from wandering all over his body, touching him where I knew he liked it best, caressing his skin in a way that I knew would drive him wild. I didn't want to betray WuFei's trust. "I want it all," He said and he leaned back. He bit his lower lip, his expression made it apparent how embarrassed he was about his selfish statement. "And you can have it all," I assured him. "But not in two different people." He buried his face in his hands. "I don't know what to do." "I don't want to force you to choose. That is why I have made the decision for you." I backed up, all the way to the other side of the kitchen. "I want you to stay with WuFei. He's a great guy. He's the better guy. And you deserve the best. I'm the guy who was an asshole to you and made you feel insecure and unsafe." He looked at me sharply. "You know I don't see you like that anymore." I smiled sadly. "And you have no idea how happy that makes me. But I'm still the guy that once wronged you. WuFei has never hurt you. If anything, that is why he deserves to get a second chance with you, certainly more than I do." "So what now? We're going back to being just roommates? You're going to watch me have sleep-overs with WuFei and I have to watch you bring guys home after a date?" He questioned skeptically. He was right, it wouldn't work. We would both end up betraying WuFei's trust for selfish reasons. It didn't matter how strongly we felt, it didn't feel right to me to steal him away from WuFei, whether or not I actually could. "Maybe I should move out." "I don't want you to move out." "And that's probably exactly why I should." He started shaking his head. But the more I thought about it, the better it seemed. How could we get over each other if we were together every day, sharing a home, a couch, a bathroom? A recovering alcoholic shouldn't work in a liquor store. I stated definitively: "I'm moving out." "Where would you go?" He challenged. "Back to the dorms? Go back to insomnia and failing your exams?" "I have quite a bit of money saved up," I supplied, "Thanks to our videos. If I sell the keyboard and the sound system, I can afford my own place for a couple of months." "And after that?" "And after that I'll see." "Will we still be friends?" His concern was not unfounded. "I think we should let things cool off for a bit first. Don't you agree that being around each other makes it harder not to act on-" I stopped myself and made a vague gesture. Reluctantly, he nodded in agreement. "If we give it some time, I'm sure we can be friends." I wasn't sure, but I didn't want to tell him that, in spite of the no-bullshit rule. His hurtful expression had me biting back the truth in favor of comforting him. I didn't want to be reason why he looked like that. A long time ago I used to be a major reason for his sadness, when I called him names and shoved him into the lockers, I couldn't stand to see him heartbroken anymore, especially not when I was the culprit. Maybe that was my foremost reason for backing out and leaving him to be with WuFei. I wasn't ready to take on that responsibility, to allow him to leave his trusted partner for the likes of me. Heero might no longer see me as the guy that used to torment him, but I had not yet shaken that image of myself and I was scared of the possibility that I could inadvertently hurt him again. What if I were to steal him away, claim him as my own and then later things wouldn't work out? It was a huge risk to take and I didn't want Heero to take that leap of faith, not at the cost of losing someone who had proven himself to a great, trustworthy person. What kind of an asshole would I be if I led him away from that, to satisfy my own, selfish desires? I walked out of the kitchen, but I stopped when he called my name. "I feel like I'll be making a mistake if I let you go." I stared at him. Don't make this any harder than it already is! "If it is, than it is a mistake that you have to make." I took another step towards my room and he stopped me again. "This isn't goodbye, right?" I offered him a sheepish smile. "Of course not. I'm not leaving first thing tomorrow and we'll always be friends." He smiled slightly at my reassurance. I didn't see him again after that. When he was asleep that night, I moved out of the apartment. I figured it would be easier on both of us if we didn't get the chance to second-guess ourselves. Moving wasn't much of a chore. Aside from the expensive keyboard, all my belongings still fit into my single duffel bag. I paused to write him a goodbye-note that I posted onto the refrigerator door, next to the shopping list. There wasn't anything left to say, I trusted that I had been able to explain myself well enough, but it was important to me to leave a final goodbye. Whether or not I had any intentions of following up on my promise for us to be friends again in the future, I didn't know, I would have to wait and see how my feelings would change. If I couldn't shake this overpowering attraction to him, it would be safer to steer clear of him, no matter how much that would hurt me. Heero, For many years, I made you feel miserable. Now, I want nothing more than to make you happy. I think you will be happy with WuFei. I will hate walking out that door in a minute, but it will be my atonement. I know you don't blame me anymore, but I still blame myself and I think I have to do this, I have to let you go, so I can finally be sure that I am not that selfish person anymore. I have only three things left to say: I'm sorry. I'll miss you. I love you. Duo I took a deep breath and made sure the note was securely stuck to the fridge and then I grabbed my bag and keyboard and walked out.
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