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"Three"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: Yaoi, threesome, lemon Pairings: 5x1, 5x2x1, 2x1 Summary: Boy falls in love with roommate. Roommate has a boyfriend. There seems to be only one solution.
"Three" Part Two I had studied into the wee hours of the night and was feeling peckish. I snuck out of my bedroom and tiptoed to the kitchen. As quietly as possible I searched kitchen cabinets for something to snack on, only then remembering Heero had been bugging me to the groceries today - it was my turn - and I hadn't gotten around to it. I contemplated finishing the last of his treasured cookie dough ice cream, weighing my options, but I quickly came to the conclusion that he would likely murder me. The bag of stale doritos would have to do. The bag was a bitch to open. We had folded the open end in on itself and as I picked and plucked at it the crackling sounds were deafening, like fireworks exploding right by my ear. I couldn't figure out how to open it without waking everybody. "Munchies?" My body flinched violently. "Mother of- Fuck!" I exclaimed. I placed my hand over my chest, feeling the racing heart underneath the rubs. "You scared me." "It looks like it." His voice was monotonous, but he was smirking. "It's not funny." "It's a little funny." "Heart attacks are not funny," I stressed. I took a deep breath and dropped my hand from my chest. I bent down to get the bag of doritos that I had practically thrown to the kitchen floor in my fright. Luckily I hadn't yet managed to pry it open. He watched me pick at the bag and pointed out: "You don't have to be so quiet. Heero is a deep sleeper. So deep it worries me sometimes." "Oh." Once the bag was open I popped a chip into my mouth and then offered him some. "No thank you." I looked him up and down. He was dressed in his jeans and the fancy button-up shirt he had worn for their date that night. I had heard them come in around midnight and figured WuFei would spend the night, but it looked like he was getting retting to leave at two thirty AM. "Going home?" "Yes." "Why don't you ever sleep over?" The question was blurted thoughtlessly, but I was too interested to know the answer to immediately apologize and retract the inquiry. He narrowed his eyes at me. "I don't think that is any of your business." "You're right," Was my unfazed retort. "It's not like I don't want to..." I frowned. "It's not like Heero doesn't want me to either," He made sure to add. "Okay..." He sighed. "I guess not waking up together like some old, married couple is the one thing we have left to distinguish our relationship from that of an old, married couple." I nodded. "We are a perfect fit, we really are. But we have become boring." His expression was one of grief and regret. "I noticed." Wow, geez, Maxwell, mister sensitivity! I thought to myself. I quickly stuffed my unwise mouth with a big chip. He looked a little offended, although all I was doing was agreeing with his own observations. He bit back: "Don't get any ideas." "What do you mean?" "Heero told me you wanted to ask him out, before you knew about me." I was hardly shocked. I had guessed Heero would tell him. "Before you come swooping in, just remember that I'm no out of the picture yet." I raised my free hand in surrender. "Look man, the point is, I haven't asked him out and I won't ask him out. He's with you, I get that. I respect that. Bro's before..." I made a face and then a vague gesture. "You get what I mean." "Good," He relaxed visibly. He was too good of a guy to hold grudges, too mature to be petty. I chewed on another chip, the crunching sound was the only thing to fill the silence between us. "Can I ask you something?" WuFei spoke up. "No, I won't go out with you," I joked, but it fell flat. "Too soon? Never mind. Go ahead." "Heero told me your family is very religious." I realized that was not a question. "Yeah... Some of them, at least." "But you are gay." Still, he failed to ask an actual question. "Yeah." "Aren't the two kind of difficult to marry?" He interlocked his fingers to illustrate his point. "The two?" "Your love for Jesus and your love for dick." I chuckled at his crass phrasing, I did not expect that from him. With a dismissive wave of my hand, I replied: "But I don't love Jesus." "Yet you wear the cross." He nodded at my silver necklace. "It's my brother's cross," I clarified. "I don't wear it because I'm religious. I wear it as a reminder." "A reminder of him?" I shook my head and chewed on another chip. I was stalling, I didn't quite know how to explain myself, I had never had to explain it to anybody before and while the jumbled mess in my own head made sense to me, I couldn't expect others to understand. Finally, I answered: "A reminder that I need to be my own person and to not let other people's bullshit dictate my behavior." He seemed interested. He took a step forward and leaned against the barstool. I scoffed. "It's a long story." "So?" "So, it's almost a quarter to three." "I'd like to know." He demonstratively took a seat. "Why?" "Because you're my boyfriend's roommate and the only thing I really know about you is that you used to be an asshole." Getting a little defensive, I said: "I don't have to prove myself to you." "That's true," He agreed, but he remained seated and looked at me expectantly. Telling him seemed to be the only way this was going to go and I didn't even really know why I didn't want to tell him. Just because I had never told the story before, didn't mean I was purposefully keeping it a secret. It wasn't a secret, really, just a story I hadn't come around to telling yet. As weird as it was for WuFei to be the first person to hear my take on what happened, it might have been for the best. I could consider it practice. I imagined I would be telling this story many times over the course of my life anyway. "I don't know where to start," I admitted sheepishly. Perhaps, subconsciously, I was stalling. "I'm not even sure if I know exactly where it all started." "That's okay." I shrugged and decided: "I guess I should start by saying that my mom has always been really religious. Most would refer to her as a religious zealot, or God-fearing nut I suppose." WuFei frowned at the contempt in my tone of voice. "My dad and I never really got into it. We tried to be respectful. We always waited for her to turn her back before we would roll our eyes at her... My brother was different though. He totally bought into it. He loved the whole song and dance. I don't really know why. Sometimes I think the only reason he started going to church with our mother was to be closer to her, to have some kind of special relationship that she didn't have with me, or even with our father. I don't know... some kind of Oedipus-shit." I waved my hand dismissively. "It doesn't matter why he decided to start believing. He just did and he was as fanatic about it as our mom. Church. Bible study. The works." I glanced up at WuFei and was a little surprised to find I still had his undivided attention. "What I forgot to say is that my brother was really sick, ever since he was young. CKD: Chronic Kidney Disease. It's manageable. He would get episodes and he would be bedridden and on medication, but he would always bounce back. It never got really bad. And of course that was because of all the praying they did," I rolled my eyes. "But when I was in my junior year, I got called home because my brother had been hospitalized. His kidneys were failing. They put him on dialysis, but the doctor said he would need a transplant." "And you couldn't find a donor?" I snorted. "I got tested right away. My father too. It turned out I was a perfect match. We were going to schedule the surgery when- ... When he told me that he wouldn't accept my kidney because it was not what 'God intended'. God made all people the way they were supposed to be. Undergoing a transplant would be tampering with God's handiwork and that was unacceptable." WuFei seemed shocked. "He refused the surgery, no matter how much I begged. My mother had his back and my father... he was too much of a coward to say anything. He just took a seat in the corner and watched as things got worse. My mother and brother would pray, and that would have to be enough to save him." I reached up and touched the cross. "He was in and out of the hospital for a couple of months, for his dialysis. But after a while, he wasn't allowed to go home anymore. He needed to be hooked up on all the machines all the time." I paused, took a deep breath and concluded: "The machine only bought him time. And praying did nothing. He died a year after he was supposed to take one of my kidneys. He could have lived, but he let himself die because he let someone else - God - control his life; be in charge of his decisions. He couldn't think for himself anymore. It was always 'WWJD'; what would Jesus do?" WuFei nodded, but it seemed he was unable to produce a vocal response. "After the sadness and the anger, I realized I was heading down the same path as my brother, only I was not trying to impress God, I was trying to impress him. For me, it was always: 'WWSD'; what would Solo do?" I explained: "My brother's name was Solo." He nodded again. "I was a dick to Heero because my brother was a dick to Heero. I wanted to live by my brother's rules, as I suppose most little brothers want. Solo's surrender to his death made me realize that with everything I do or say, I have to think to myself - for myself: is this right? Not according to God, not according to my brother. Do I think this is right?" I looked down at the cross. "This thing reminds me that I shouldn't fall back on anyone other than myself. I don't know if I'm on the right path, but I know for sure I was on the wrong path before, so I had to do something different. But... yeah... that's the story." "I think that is very impressive," He said. "Commendable." "Thank you." I smiled at him. "That means quite a bit, coming from a veritable saint like yourself." He laughed bitterly at that. "Hardly. I do things that I'm not proud of." I leaned in, intrigued. "Do? As in: present tense?" He shook his head at me. "No no. I'm not falling for that." "Come on, 'Fei, tell me a story!" I prodded with a smirk. "Fei?" He cocked an eyebrow at me. "Would you prefer 'Wu'?" "I prefer 'WuFei'," He deadpanned. "Tough. We're friends now." I decided and took another handful of chips from the bag. "I told you a deeply personal story, according to the universal laws of friendship I have thus earned the right to foreshorten your name as I see fit... WuWu." "If you're going to bother with two syllables you might as well call me 'WuFei'." He was practically pouting. "Not when my other options are so much more fun." He glared at me. "Is this your idea of doing the right thing?" "I told you: it's a work in process." I grinned. He sighed but I was pretty sure I saw an amused twinkle in his black eyes. "I think it's best if I headed home." Without further ado he slid off the barstool and walked out of the apartment. I went back to bed, cradling the bag of chips in my arms. I couldn't sleep that night. It wasn't because I regretted sharing my personal story with WuFei - I actually felt good about it, it felt less heavy and crazy now that it had been put into words, without the earth splitting open and swallowing me while. It also wasn't because of my frequent fantasies about Heero, I never minded it much when those kept me 'up' at night. I was curious about WuFei's Freudian slip. What kind of things did the Chinese man do that didn't make him proud? He seemed like such a straight-laced, proper character. Perhaps the more relevant and more important question was: Why did he continue to do these things that he wasn't proud of? I was intrigued. This shameful secret - whatever it was - brought WuFei down to my level. I didn't mean that in a condescending, negative way. It was an attractive quality, to find out he was just as human, just as flawed, as the rest of us. For the first time I felt a desire to get to know him better, not to dig up dirt on him and use it against him. I was genuinely interested. Ever since my change in lifestyle, I hadn't been able to make many friends. I wanted to try to become friends with WuFei, but that would be a challenge. Most people were put off by how resolute I was in my behavior and in my decisions. I was a bit of a 'partypoop' and the ever-present silver cross that was always noticeable against my pale skin didn't make me appear any more likeable. The thing about my new choice of lifestyle was that once I had decided something was right, I went for it, unabashedly, unapologetically and really there was no stopping the inevitable; things would happen my way. I was tenacious like that. I would never force anyone to do something they didn't want, so when they didn't agree with me, I would cut them out of my life, to spare us both. I understood why that scared people. And since I could change my mind back just as quickly, people also had trouble pinning me down and deciphering what I wanted, a characteristic that didn't exactly nourish friendship. People readily accused me of being flaky and they were right, but for me the most important thing was to be honest and be true to myself. Sometimes I pursued that goal in an insensitive manner and I never blamed past friends and acquaintances for not being willing to put up with my all-over-the-place way of living. I didn't really have a handle on myself yet, I accepted that my idea of right and wrong was still evolving and I had to evolve with it, suddenly and forcefully if need be. I promised myself I would never let myself stagnate because it would benefit a friendship or a relationship. My helter-skelter approach to life had calmed down a bit, but still I had found Heero to be the only person able to put up with me and my moods. I suspected because, given our past, he valued my honesty above anything else as well. He needed me to be honest as much as I did, or else he would never be able to trust me, if I reverted back to my old ways of wanting to please people. He didn't mind that sometimes that meant I felt compelled to tell him that the shirt he was wearing was ridiculous, tell him that his cooking was inedible, or we would have to switch seats in the movie theater a couple of times only for me to realize I wanted to see a different movie altogether, or cancel plans at the last minute. I was flaky with him, but he never held it against me, because he never had to worry that I was doing something simply to amuse him, or that I was playing games with him. And in turn I had to accept it when he called me an idiot and pointed out that my handwriting would be bested by a blind epileptic. There was no bullshit between us anymore and thus a friendship between us worked. Since WuFei was a lot like Heero in many regards, maybe one more thing they had in common was that they were both people I could be friends with. I realized I would like that. I knew I had to let go of my fantasies of Heero anyway - I figured it was only a matter of time before his image would fade from my mind's eye and I would imprint on someone new, that was how it always happened. I no longer wanted to write WuFei off as an obstacle that stood between me and my ill-advised crush. My intention to see them both as my friends - Heero as nothing more and WuFei as nothing less - was turned on its head when WuFei's secret was inadvertently revealed. And it was a secret he shared with his boyfriend. My roommate had point-blank asked me to make myself scarce one Saturday night. I thought I knew exactly what that meant: that he wanted the apartment to himself for some unadulterated fun with his boyfriend. I was not entirely wrong, but... I asked him how long he needed and he suggested that I should 'go see a movie or something'. I did as instructed and made sure to stay away longer than the average movie runtime. I didn't want to walk in on anything, that wouldn't help me let go of my attraction to Heero, nor my jealousy of WuFei. After the two-hour movie that was basically a single, stretched-out action sequence of set pieces exploding in dangerous proximity to the cast of B-list actors, I took a detour home through the park and browsed through the magazines at the local grocery store where I picked up a bottle of orange juice and dish soap and strolled through the aisles trying to remember what else Heero had written on the list posted on the fridge. Kitchen towels? I wondered and decided to take a pack. It was probably something like that, I figured. I was deliberately quiet entering the apartment. I assumed they had fallen asleep after what I imagined to be the most boring, uninventive horizontal tango possible, based on their passionless interaction in public. I didn't want to wake WuFei. I had learned he had been right about Heero, the Japanese guy slept through everything. I flicked on the light in the kitchen and put away the orange juice. I studied the list stuck to the refrigerator door. Heero's fine, cursive script was enviable. Orange
juice Toilet paper, goddammit. I grumbled inwardly and then shrugged as I put away the pack of kitchen towels. Close enough. On my way to my bedroom door I stopped in the middle of the living room when I noticed a jacket draped over the backrest of the couch. I didn't know WuFei very well, certainly not well enough to know every piece of clothing he owned, but I knew that was not his jacket. It was a bright red windbreaker with the ostentatious logo of a local college sports team on the back and on the sleeves. I moved in closer to inspect it - pondering the implications - and I could smell the heavy stench of cheap cologne that impregnated the air surrounding it and probably permeated the fabric of the couch. Expecting to feel relief that the relationship between WuFei and Heero wasn't enough to stop him from seeking the company of others, I was surprised to find myself angry at Heero for cheating on his boyfriend. WuFei didn't deserve to be treated like this! I was disappointed that Heero would do this him, it was a very unattractive quality. It caught me by surprise. I jumped up when the bedroom door at the end of the hall opened and that smell became even heavier when the football-loving stranger walked into the living room. He paused when he saw me. "Uuhhh, how long have you been standing there?" Clearly he was worried that I had heard something. I hadn't, but there was no need. Heero's request for me to leave the apartment in combination with finding this sleazy person here were all the clues I needed to piece things together. I glared at him, at his unwashed hair, at the graphic print on his T-shirt and at the big, black shoulder-bag he carried. What the fuck was in there? "I just came in," I said and this seemed to put him at ease. "Cool." He walked past me and grabbed his shirt. He gave me an odd look, he didn't understand why I was glaring daggers at him. He called back to the bedroom: "Guys, I'm heading out!" Guys? Plural? Heero emerged from the bedroom wearing nothing but one of his sinfully tight and low-riding jeans. He stopped in his tracks when his blue eyes found me. "You're home." I didn't even have the time to offer a sarcastic reply to him, stating the obvious. I was shocked and confused to the point of incomprehension when WuFei appeared behind Heero, in just his underwear! "Duo." His black eyes widened. Of the three he was the only one apparently embarrassed at being caught in the act, although I wasn't sure what 'act' I had walked in on exactly. I was speechless. Were they having a threesome with that guy? I watched as the stinking football-fan left the apartment without saying another word. At the possibility my face contorted into a grimace and the first thing that popped into my mind was: they could do so much better. Heero and WuFei were both insanely hot, made all the more apparent by them standing before me only partially dressed and their hair tousled in the most incriminating way. Why would they invite a lanky, pale, stinking guy into their bed? When I finally spoke, I made little sense. "I'm... what? ... confused... I don't...." "I'm sorry you had to see that," Heero said coolly and he walked to the kitchen and got the bottle of orange juice I had purchased only half an hour ago and drank right from the bottle. WuFei reached up a hand to straighten his hair, but he could not hide the evidence. Aside from his hair that was in a telltale state of disarray, his exposed chest was covered in a fine sheen of sweat and his bottom lip was swollen - one of them had sunk his teeth into it. Eventually I asked the question that was, for whatever reason, most prominent in my mind: "Why him?" The couple shared a confused look. "Does he have like... a super big dick, or something?" I blurted. I was practically pouting, but I didn't understand why. Did I want to be in a threesome with them? I didn't even like WuFei that way. "What?" Realization dawned on WuFei, while his boyfriend's frown remained. "We did not have a threesome with him." "Then what were you guys doing in there?" I dumbly inquired. Black eyes darted to the slim figure in the kitchen. "You still haven't told him?" "No." "Why not?" "It didn't come up!" I watched the exchange like a tennis-match, moving my head from left to right. "Don't you think he should know? I mean, it pays for all of this." WuFei gestured around himself. The apartment? It pays for the apartment? "What pays for the apartment?" They looked at me like they had both momentarily forgotten I was there. "Isaac works for 'Boyfriends Barebacking'," WuFei explained. "Isaac being the guy that was just here and..." I paused. " 'Boyfriends Barebacking' as in... a porn site?" I looked at Heero, utterly shocked. I knew he was no longer the innocent boy I remembered, but this seemed too extreme. "You didn't seriously think a part-time job as tech-support was enough for a place like this, right?" "Well, what the fuck do I know!" I did feel stupid all of a sudden. The apartment was too amazing and I should have suspected, but other than thinking to myself, in a passing manner, that it was strange he could afford a big place like this, I never doubted the tech-support story. Not even when I never actually saw him go to work nor hear him mention work. Before losing myself to this string of thoughts I shook my head and verified: "So you guys make porn videos?" "What's wrong with that?" Heero shot back, picking up on my judgmental and accusing tone. "I'm just-... I didn't expect this." I didn't know how else to phrase it. "First it's the vegetarian-thing. Then I find out you have a secret boyfriend and now this! It makes me wonder what other secrets you have. I thought we were being honest with each other." "I don't have any secrets. And I am being honest, but you didn't ask me so I didn't say anything." I nearly went cross-eyed giving him my most incredulous look. "What was I supposed to ask? 'Hey Heero, do you pay rent by doing porn videos with your boyfriend?' Seriously?" "Don't make it sound like we're whoring ourselves off." "I'm not! But am I allowed to be shocked here? This is pretty... weird." I turned to look at WuFei who had been keeping quiet. "And what about you? Was this the thing you weren't proud of? Or do you have more secrets?" Heero interjected, addressing his boyfriend: "What does he mean? What did you two talk about?" "Nothing." "But you told him you weren't proud of this?" WuFei grumbled. "I'm not." "I thought you said you were okay with it!" "I am okay with it!" He argued and once more they were ignoring my presence. "But I don't have to be proud of it, right? This isn't something we tell our family, or friends and for good reason. We are not exactly standing on the moral high ground here, so it's not always easy for me." "Do you want to stop?" "No..." He sighed. "I didn't say that." Realizing I was in the middle of a lover's quarrel - the last place anyone wants to be - I excused myself, ducked my head between my shoulders and headed for my bedroom. Heero came after me: "You can't tell your dad." "Don't worry, I won't." I didn't tell my father anything, now that my GPA was acceptable we hardly spoke. Our father-son relationship was conducted in its entirety over the phone and consisted of nothing more than the exchange of forced niceties. "I won't tell anyone," I promised solemnly and then scurried into my bedroom and hid myself there. Through the walls I could faintly hear them continue their discussion, but not for long. It went quiet and after a few minutes I heard the front door open and shut, announcing WuFei's departure. Then I heard Heero's bedroom door close as well. I couldn't pinpoint what I felt, everything was overshadowed by the initial shock. My feelings were neither negative nor positive, I couldn't decide. I wasn't principally against porn, as a consumer I enjoyed my fair share of it and since they only slept with each other and not for strangers I couldn't think of anything wrong with it. But still it was strange. My gaze darted across my dimly lit room and found my laptop on the desk under the window. The thought that it was out there, for everyone to see, myself included, was equal parts tantalizing and terrifying. The fantasies that I had entertained in the most secret recesses of my active imagination were merely a Google-search away. Clearly I didn't fantasize about WuFei and Heero together, but the ability to see Heero like that would likely negate the off-putting presence of his real-life boyfriend and with a slight stretch of my imagination I could probably supplant the Chinese man. Even with those thoughts running through my head I stayed far away from my laptop. Internet access was dangerous at that point. It wasn't right. My plan had been to stop regarding Heero in a sexual manner, watching him have sex with his boyfriend would hardly accomplish that. The next morning was awkward beyond comparison. I was having my breakfast at the bar when Heero came back from his morning run. I stared into my bowl of soggy cereal with determination. It was all I could do to stop myself from noticing everything in those tight shorts he always wore. "Good morning," He said between pants, casual as you please. "Morning..." He grabbed the orange juice again but this time bothered to pour himself a proper glass. He stood at the other side of the bar, opposite of me, leaning his hipbone against the counter. He was staring at me and I suspected he was waiting for me to be the one to bring it up, but I refused. After a while, he wondered: "Did you watch our videos?" I looked up at him sharply. "No! Of course not!" I came very close though. Too close. It was embarrassing. "Oh." He shrugged. "You are very blasé about all of this," I observed. "I don't care if you see it. Lots of other people have." "You have to admit that's different." "Sure," Was his dry reply and that was all he had to say about it. Not able to contain my curiosity, I started asking the questions that I had wanted to ask the previous night: "How did you get into this?" He made me wait for an answer as he first pulled his earphones out of his sweaty shirt and set his phone aside, switching off the up-tempo music that had still been playing. "I actually did work as an at-home tech-support for a couple of months in my Freshman year," He began. "That's how I met Isaac, he was a colleague. He always treated himself to the latest tech; laptops, tablets, smartphones, cameras. I knew he couldn't afford all that based on our salary, installing Word on some old people's computers," He rolled his eyes. "I asked him about it and he told me, very frankly, that he was working as a cameraman for this gay porn site." I raised my eyebrows. "And you were like 'I want in on that'?" "Not right away. I thought it was kind of creepy. He would go to people's places and record them while they were jerking off or having sex. Sometimes a 'director' would go with him, but more often than not it would just be him. Anyway, around that time WuFei was saying that he wanted to visit his family in China more regularly, his stepmom had had a baby girl and he wanted to watch his sister grow up, but he couldn't really afford it. I guess I complained about our money issues to Isaac a bit too much, because he said that he could get me a job as a model for the porn site, that way I could earn the extra cash." He took another swig of orange juice. He was very matter-of-fact about it all. "The website has this subseries called 'Watch my boyfriend jerk off', I only had to masturbate and I got paid a couple hundred bucks per video." "Whoa." He nodded. "That's what I thought. So I did it, once. Just to give it a try and so WuFei could go back to China for his sister's first birthday. I wasn't planning on doing it more often, but it was so easy." "What did WuFei think about it?" "He was against it, of course. But he came around. 'The end justifies the means' and all that. But he insisted on being there the next time, so I wouldn't be alone with Isaac." I felt hot blood surge to my cheeks. "He would watch you jerk off while Isaac filmed everything?" He nodded. "It was actually kind of... hot." He smirked. "We would get paid even more if WuFei agreed to be in the shot as well. He didn't have to do anything, just watch as he always did. The videos became really popular, don't ask me why-" Because you are both hot as fuck, I thought to myself. "Isaac arranged a pretty good deal for us. For those masturbation videos I'd get six hundred dollars." "Holy shit!" "Obviously the site makes plenty of money, with monthly subscriptions and ads. They can afford it." "If it paid so well already, why did you decide to... actually have sex on video?" I wondered. "Like I said, it was hot. WuFei would get really horny and after a while he wanted to participate and of course Isaac encouraged that. Eventually the deal was that we would each get double the fee that I used to get, if we had sex. Nowadays we both get fifteen hundred dollars for a single video. Even more when we experiment with toys or play into certain fetishes." I swallowed and needed a moment to get an interesting visual out of my mind's eye. "How often do you shoot these videos?" "Once or twice a month." I frowned at his answer. We had been living together for over half a year and I had never noticed Isaac's stench in the apartment before. Heero was able to read the question in my eyes and he said: "We've only done it here twice. When you were on that four day excursion to New Orleans for your Jazz course and then the other time when you had that showcase and you said it'd be like three hours." "That's why you couldn't come to my showcase?" I was a little offended, even more so than back then when he had given me a bullshit excuse why he wouldn't be attending, even though I had earned the finale slot with my rendition of all three parts of Ravel's 'Gaspard de la Nuite'. He continued, unfazed: "The other times I asked to do the shoot in the studio. I didn't want to... bother you with this. I think 'bother' is the right word... I don't mind people knowing, but I mind people meddling and I thought you would meddle and try to talk me out of it, out of guilt, or principle. Whatever." "Do you feel like you're doing the right thing?" He smiled, he recognized the question as the question that has played a prominent role in my own life, ever since I told him the full story of my self-discovery, shortly after I told WuFei. "I don't feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I like this apartment. I like that I can invest as much time as I need in my studies, I don't have to worry about putting in the hours of a part-time job. I like that WuFei can watch his baby sister grow up. I think it's a fair compromise." I didn't know if I agreed and perhaps it was my imagination, but I wasn't convinced Heero truly believed in this compromise either and part of me suspected was that the reason he didn't want to tell me and didn't want me to meddle was because he knew it would take little to persuade him to end this arrangement. However, I acknowledged that I might be putting words in mouth based on an idea that I wanted to be true, but wasn't necessarily. I liked to believe that he didn't think as lightly of this as he made it seem, but if I had learned anything, it was that Heero always managed to do the unexpected; whether I liked it or not. The question was simple and so was the answer: "I you feel you should do this, than you should do it. I won't meddle." "Thank you." I shrugged. "It's your decision." Wanting to be adult about it, I added: "And even though we share this apartment now, that doesn't mean that doesn't mean you have to tiptoe around me. You don't have to go to a studio or anything." "Really? You're okay with it?" "Sure." I shouldn't have said that. Things escalated way too quickly because I said that. I had been at the music hall one afternoon. Our assignment had been to write a simple piece of music, that had to include all the common and popular chords and combinations, as a way to teach the chords to a new student in a natural, flowing progression. My fellow classmates probably fared better than me, they wouldn't mind so much if the end-product sounded off, it was merely a teaching tool after all. But with my sensitive ear, I couldn't stand the forced mixture of the chords. The piece I wrote - and every variation of it - gave me goosebumps, in the bad way. By the end of the afternoon I had to give up and I headed home, forgetting that I had told Heero I wouldn't be home until late at night. Three things I noticed the moment I stepped through the front door. The smell. Isaac's jacket on the couch. And the sounds. If it weren't for the sounds I would have immediately backed out of the apartment, heady from the smell of Isaac's cologne at the very first whiff. The sounds nailed my feet to the floorboards and I couldn't move. I had heard WuFei and Heero have sex in Heero's bedroom before. The walls were not thin, but they weren't soundproof either. Most I ever heard though, was a gasp and a duo of strangled moans before it all went quiet. They were never very vocal and never loud, probably always mindful of my presence in the next room. It was never hot listening to them, it was only awkward. They always sounded unnatural and out of sync. Clearly, biting back moans didn't work well for a porn video. Standing in the door opening I could discern WuFei's grunts and Heero's sharp cries in a fast rhythm. Listening to it, I felt it seep down to my bones and I could feel the blood surge through my veins in pace with it. My body synchronized with it - became one with it - the way it did with the aural pulse of the metronome on the piano. With alarming ease, I got hard. My erection pressed painfully against the inside of my tight jeans. I couldn't smell Isaac's jacket anymore, but I could taste something in my mouth. I could taste the scent of sex on my tongue, a scent that existed only in my memory but this memory was evoked so powerfully that my mouth watered. The sounds built to a climax; the pace picked up, as did the volume. Beyond my control my hand ghosted over the front of my jeans and the slight tickle sent jolts of electricity up my spine. Heero screamed and WuFei called out his name, then it went quiet. Shit. I was jostled awake by the sudden, jarring silence. I stepped backwards, out into the hallway and shut the door. I flinched at how loud it sounded and hoped that was only my imagination. I hurried towards the elevator. Walking was uncomfortable with my arousal still prominent, but I wouldn't be deterred. I had to get out of that building. The air had become so hot and dense that it was suffocating me with every breath I took. I leaned back against the wall of the elevator once the doors closed. I was panting. I was sweating. It had been too long since I had last had sex, I realized. The last time had been in the shower stall of a hostel at the coast of Croatia, with a guy named Nicholai. Or Niklaus? Or Jack? I really couldn't recall. That was probably close to a year ago. I didn't think the abstinence would affect me, but I had been proven wrong. A simple solution would be to find a new 'Nicholai', but I was done with that. I was done with having sex with people after what barely counted as an introduction. I suspected I was done with it before I even put on the condom, with Nicholai's alabaster back turned towards me, but I didn't have the sense to stop right then and there. My problem was not that I wanted to have sex so badly. I wanted to have sex with Heero, that was the problem. I wanted to fuck him so badly. I wanted to make him keen like that. I wanted to make him out of breath like whenever he came back from his runs. I wanted to make him sweat like whenever we worked out together; his skin glistening and a drop deliciously traveling down from his temple, all the way to the hem of his shirt. Fuck! Not helping! I held my book bag in front of me as I exited the building. I managed to make my way to the park receiving only a few odd glances. I sat myself down on a bench and sucked in the clean fresh air that emanated from the freshly mowed grass and the trees by the small lake. I gave myself time to cool down and restore some of my dignity before approaching rainclouds forced me to head home again about half an hour later. Just as I walked into the downstairs lobby the elevator doors opened and Isaac, in his stinking jacket and with his big shoulder bag, stepped out. He grinned when he saw me. Other than offering him a polite nod, I had not intended on any interaction with him and made a beeline for the elevator, hoping he would let me pass him without a word. But before I had the chance to step through the metallic doors, he called after me. "Your name is Duo, right?" I turned around. "Yeah." Considering he was somewhat of a friend to Heero, I knew it would be polite to properly introduce myself, so I did. We shook hands and exchanged names and then Isaac made a comment about the 'shitty weather' - it had just started to rain and sheets of water poured down the windows. I was about to think to myself that Isaac wasn't all bad, he wasn't full-on creeper, I thought, but then he had me second guess my leniency when he looked me up and down. Practically leering. "Of course a good looking guy like Heero has a smoking hot roommate," He said. "The porn plot writes itself." I was about to brush off his comment, hoping to hide my disdain, when he called me out: "How long had you been listening before you left?" I wanted to punch his mouth to erase that smirk he sported. I feigned innocence and frowned at the implication. "We all heard you slam the front door shut." "I realized I had forgotten to get something at the grocery store." I was impressed at how quickly I managed that lie. Isaac looked me up and down again and wondered cheekily: "What did you buy?" Obviously I was only carrying my book bag. My mind raced to come up with something small that I could have gotten, that wouldn't require a separate grocery bag. "Gum." "Wow, yeah. Now I understand the urgency..." I ignored his sarcasm and avoided his stare nervously and then offered him a halfhearted wave goodbye and tried to make my way into the elevator again. "Hey, if you ever want to make some extra cash..." I spun around. Was he seriously...? "The site pays like two grand per person for a threesome vid." He grinned. Evidently there was a bonus for him involved as well, why else would he be so motivated? "Thanks, but no thanks," I deadpanned. "I'm pretty sure Heero would be into it." I frowned. "I doubt that. And in any case, I wouldn't be into it and the same goes for WuFei." "If you say so," Isaac shrugged and then left. I shook my head at him and pushed his preposterous suggestion from my mind. At the apartment WuFei had taken a seat on the couch and was flipping through channels. He acknowledged me with a casual nod only. Heero was in the kitchen, talking on his phone. When he spotted me he pulled the cellphone away from his ear and asked: "I'm ordering pizza, would you like some?" "I'm not hungry. Thanks though." I stalked across the living room and headed for the privacy of my bedroom. I couldn't breathe again until the door was shut behind me. I threw my bag into a corner and flung myself onto the bed and groaned into the pillow in frustration. I listened to the muffled conversation between Heero and WuFei. I couldn't distinguish one word from another, but the hum of their voices melting into each other had me shivering. Through the walls they sounded the same; that same, deep, vibrating tone, always even and controlled, almost emotionless in a way. If I didn't know any better, I would have never guessed that they were the ones making those incredible sounds before, the passion and desperation was so unlike them. Was it a good act, or did the presence of the camera - or the camera man - incite their lust? The pizza arrived. They ate in silence, watching a movie. WuFei left, before the movie had ended, it seemed. The TV was switched off half an hour later and then Heero closed the door to his bedroom. WuFei still didn't like sleeping over. Shooting the videos appeared to be the only moment of excitement in their relationship and that confused me. They were so perfect for each other, they were so alike. There was friction but there were no sparks. Maybe too alike wasn't good for a relationship, maybe it was like trying to light a match by rubbing it against another match; it doesn't work that way. To create a flame a coarse striking surface is required. But why would two young people stay together if there was no heat? I groaned. I never suspected that the visual of a match striking against a matchbook and igniting could ever be arousing, but given my metaphor of choice, I was hard again. It was only a matter of time before I would search 'Boyfriends Barebacking'. I held off as long as could, but as I did my lust for Heero only became more unbearable and I didn't trust myself around him anymore. Whenever he joined me on the couch to watch a movie, my gaze was drawn to him. Thankfully, he was always too enthralled by the digitally rendered spectacle to notice me gawking at him as he ate his popcorn and licked the butter off his long fingers, that sweet tongue darting out, those soft lips pouting around the digit. It was maddening. I prided our friendship on its lack of bullshit. The honesty between us had been admirable and appreciated as such by both involved parties. But I couldn't tell him that I had dreams of him licking butter off my dick - or maple syrup, or chocolate sauce, or whipped cream, or ice cream, or caramel. I wanted him to give me that same delicious attention that he paid all his sweet treats. I was fairly certain that such an alarming measure of honesty would be more harmful to our friendship than a little white lie. He didn't need to know that I excused myself to go jerk off in the shower to the image of him. And WuFei didn't need to know either. A few weeks of torment later, I had myself convinced that watching those videos would be the right thing to do. My lust for my roommate had become a primal, primary instinct, it was an all-consuming hunger and thirst and I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to both still and quench it somehow and watching those videos was the safest way to accomplish that. When Heero and WuFei were out on a date one Friday night, I settled myself in my desk chair and went online. Occasionally I scowled past the screen of my laptop to the box of tissues on the desk. I am a pervert. I continued on, undeterred. 'Boyfriends Barebacking' was a straightforward site and resembled every other porn site I had visited. There was nothing special about it, except, of course, for the picture of Heero and WuFei on the home page, staring into the camera - looking straight at me! The text read: 'Watch me fuck my boyfriend'. "Oh God..." With a grimace on my face I clicked on the link and a new page opened up with short previews of the videos. In the thumbnails I saw more couples, one platinum blonde and his boyfriend briefly caught my eye until I noticed a solo video of Heero. I didn't consciously click on the video, but the two-minute preview started playing so clearly I was guilty of giving into my sinful curiosity. My shame was quickly forgotten after a few seconds of watching Heero undress wordlessly on screen. The video jumped to a gratuitous shot of him on his bed, pleasuring himself with a sizable vibrator. I shifted in my seat and leaned in closer. The small sounds he was making drew me in. Sometimes he would make eye-contact with the camera lens and I felt my blood surge through my veins, building pressure and creating heat in my fingertips, ear shells and groin. The sudden end of the video was jarring. A pop-up tempted me to buy a membership, but I resisted, as if I could preserve my pride that way. I skipped to the next video of Heero in the 'Watch my boyfriend jerk off' series. This time the toy he used was a clear 'fleshlight'. He held it steady in his white-knuckled fist and raised his hips off the bed thrusting into it. I watched his reddened erection fill the toy in a basic rhythm that my body instinctually understood and mimicked in my seat. I scrolled down to read the brief description. 'Heero's boyfriend never lets him top. Would you let him?' I raised an eyebrow at that and wondered if it was true or if it was a gimmick. I was surprised at the fact that he didn't have some kind of inventive porn-name, but I could understand why they opted for his real name, that way no mistakes could be made in the throes of passion. I made the mistake of scrolling down further and found a couple of replies to the video. One of the commenters had written: 'I'd love for him to fuck me'. But another wrote: 'His boyfriend is right, I wouldn't give up that ass either'. Reading those comments was unsettling. I didn't like that every creep in the world could watch Heero like this - although I acknowledged that I was no better than any of them. As if it wasn't bad enough that I was jealous of WuFei, I also became jealous of these strangers, who had been watching Heero all this time. Ignoring my erection I clicked on a video preview of Heero and WuFei together. This preview was a little longer and it started with both of them sitting on the edge of the bed, fully clothed, talking to the camera man - Isaac - about kinky dreams they had had. Heero admitted on camera with a sheepish blush: "I dreamt once that I was getting fucked by two Wufei's." "Like a twin, or something?" Isaac asked. "No. There was a copy of WuFei." "What did they do to you?" Isaac wondered, his tone plunging into a low register. "WuFei fucked me while I fucked the copy," He said evenly. "And then I was on my back and WuFei kept fucking me and the copy made me suck his dick." Isaac let out a deep chuckle. WuFei was out of frame. "Would you like to try a threesome sometime?" Heero shrugged. Then the image changed suddenly and reactively I turned my head away when I became aware of Heero on all fours on the bed, getting absolutely pounded by WuFei, like either the talk of a threesome had angered him, or had turned him on, it was impossible to tell. I couldn't keep my eyes away from the screen for long. I focused on Heero, on the way his bangs moved and his entire body rocked back and forth with the power of WuFei's thrusts. His erection was swinging between his legs. Off screen, WuFei demanded to know: "You love getting fucked, right?" "Yes! I love it! I love it!" The video stopped and the same pop-up appeared, with a link to the subscription page. The previews were too short to masturbate to, but I didn't need to see anymore. The necessary images were burned into my retina and my imagination took care of the rest. I shut my laptop so that I could later deny wholeheartedly that I had jerked off to one of their videos and then I undid my jeans and took myself into my hand. Needless to say, it didn't take me very long. When I was done I cleaned myself up with the tissues and waited until I could catch my breath. The guilt was nothing more than a distant twinge. More than anything I felt a deeply satisfying relief and sense of lightness. It wasn't unlike those couple of times when I smoked a joint in a coffee shop in Amsterdam. But the weight of my actions fell right back onto my shoulders when the front door opened and Heero returned home. Horrified I hurried to straighten my clothes and get rid of the soiled tissue, as if he could see me. Somehow I figured that staying in my room would be more incriminating than facing him in my flushed state, so I headed into the living room. The light was on in the kitchen and I followed the sounds. I watched Heero retrieve a pint of ice cream from the freezer. He hadn't noticed me yet. He dug a spoon into the treat and brought a big mouthful to his lips. I started laughing when he furrowed his brows and reached a hand up to rub his temple. Brain freeze. "Don't judge me," He grumbled. "Bad date?" "Hn." He took another big bite. "You're such a girl." The joke was meant as a lighthearted reference to all those young women in TV series and movies who turned to ice cream in their times of emotional distress, but I instantly regretted my remark when he looked at me sharply. "Don't say that. That's not funny!" I raised my hands in surrender. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. It was just a joke." I didn't really understand why it upset him. "What happened?" "Nothing," He bit. "Heero...-" "I'm serious! Nothing happened. It was the most boring night of my life!" He gestured wildly with the spoon. "It's the same conversation over and over and over! I was so bored tonight I tried to start an argument just so we could have something new to talk about!" "What did you argue about?" "Napkins!" I blinked. "Napkins? Isn't that kind of stupid?" He rolled his eyes. "I know!" Clearly napkins weren't really the issue, so I dropped it. I sat down on one of the barstool and inquired: "Have you told WuFei about how you feel?" He fixed his glare on me. "Of course not. I'm not going to tell my boyfriend that he bores me. He wouldn't understand and it would hurt his feelings." I looked off to the side. "Maybe he would understand," I mumbled. Heero put away the pint of ice cream and leaned over the counter top. When I turned my head to face him I was startled by his closeness. "What did he tell you?" He demanded. This was where I had to honor the no-bullshit rule, especially if I wanted to get away with hiding some other stuff. "He said something about the relationship feeling like a fifty-year-old marriage. And that that's why he doesn't like sleeping over anymore." "He's bored with me?" He summarized and he sounded hurt. "You can't take it too personally. You just told me he bores you as well!" "Great, so we bore each other!" He reached for the ice cream again and wrapped his pouting lips around another spoonful. I swallowed, watching him lick the white sweetness off his bottom lip. But my inappropriate, sexual thoughts evaporated when I noticed the pained look in his eyes. In that moment, I didn't want to fuck him, I didn't want him to lick chocolate syrup off my dick, I just wanted to hug him and pet his hair and whisper nice things in his ear in hopes of cheering him up. My hearted ached for him. I remembered that look from a long time ago, when my brother told him one Thanksgiving that the love note that had been left on his locker before school break was written by him and he hadn't meant a single kind word written on the pink piece of paper. It was devastating to see him like that again, to watch him realize he was waking up from a dream and all the pleasantness of the illusion would be gone. I asked the difficult question, not with the intention of driving a wedge between him and his boyfriend, but because I felt it was a question that had to be asked and I doubted if he had dared to pose it himself. "Aren't you guys way too young to be stuck in a rut like this?" He sighed. "Why are you both holding on to this when it's not making either of you happy?" He was a little offended by that and he bit back: "We're holding on because we still love each other. You don't give up on love just because it's not as exciting as it used to be." "But if there is no passion, how can you be sure that it is still a romantic love?" He frowned at me. "Maybe you fell out of love, somewhere along the line, but you both simply haven't noticed because you still love each other as friends." He shook his head. He wasn't able to accept it. "We just have to find something to excite us again. Like the videos. Those helped for a while." "For a while," I echoed. He scoffed. "What do you know? You said yourself that you've never even had a long term relationship. I'm going to bed. I don't want to talk about this anymore." He grabbed the ice cream and left, stomping his feet. We never spoke of it again, but it was apparent Heero had not forgotten about our conversation - he couldn't forget and he wouldn't let me forget. Wanting to prove to me and to himself that his relationship with WuFei was still spirited, he became a little more touchy-feely with his boyfriend in my presence. His behavior, however, only served to confuse WuFei and it was a little awkward to watch him absentmindedly return Heero's kisses and mostly ignore his touches, completely unaware of what the other was trying to achieve. Romantically they were too out of touch for the Chinese student to be able to pick up on Heero's hints. It took the interference of an HD camera to align their wavelengths. The camera meant sex - and it would have to be good sex - no further communication was required. Without Isaac there, their interaction lacked a sexual trigger and they both slipped into the ease and comfort of a platonic synergy. One evening I was on the couch again, watching another one of my stupid nineties actions movies. That I never failed to enjoy shamelessly. WuFei let himself into the apartment while Heero was still getting ready for their date. "Sup, man," I greeted, not taking my eyes off the screen, I was focused on the action-packed opening sequence. "My guess is you're early, he just got into the shower." "The presentation ended early and I thought I should come right over instead of wasting time going home first." He came to stand by the couch and eyed the screen curiously. "You want a beer?" He shrugged. "Sure. I'll go get it myself." I grinned. "You're a fool if you think I was going to get up for you. Bring me one too, will you?" I still didn't like the taste of it, but it was the socially acceptable thing to do and some nights I did enjoy the light buzz it provided me. He shot me a look, causing me to laugh, but he dutifully came back with two bottles of beer. He took a seat next to me on the couch, twisting the cap off and taking a swig. "What are you watching?" He sported a frown when the teenage male protagonist took off his helmet, revealing his youth. I tore my gaze away to stare at him. "You've never seen this movie?" "I don't recognize it." "Gundam Wing, man! It's a classic!" He made a face. WuFei wasn't easily impressed. I sat up straight and with a high pitched voice I imitated one of the characters of the film, delivering her infamous line: "I'm right here so come and kill me!" I waited for a spark of recognition. "You've seriously never even heard that quote before?" "No." "Really? It gets me every time." I nodded back at the screen and gave some backstory to help him understand what was going on. I knew it would be a while until Heero was ready, he always took his time in the shower and I figured that had something to do with his built-up sexual energy. WuFei got comfortable in his seat, propping one foot up on the edge of the coffee table. "Popcorn?" I held the enormous bowl towards him. "Nah. We're probably going to try and catch a late dinner before going out." "Alright. Seriously though, I'll lend you the DVD if you want, you should really watch this. I grew up on this shit." He merely nodded and continued to watch the movie with me. By the time Heero emerged from the bathroom, WuFei had totally been sucked into the movie. He laughed at my jokes and my failed attempts to explain the convoluted plot, twisting his face into amusing expressions as I talked about giant mechs and colonies circling the earth. "I'm ready," Heero said, regarding us both with a judgmental frown. We shushed him and I prodded WuFei in his side and said: "This is the part I was telling you about." "I'm right here so come and kill me!" We burst into laughter - the second beer was not entirely irrelevant - and we repeated the absurd line in ridiculous, squeaky voices. I had never known the Chinese man to be this humorous and easy-going, there had always been a barrier of politeness and propriety, but he let his guard down and he was allowing himself to enjoy himself, in turn making it way too easy for me to enjoy his company. Without even looking at his boyfriend, WuFei asked: "Heero, do you mind if we stay in? I really want to watch this movie." "Sure," He replied mildly. "It's not like we had anything special planned anyway." WuFei totally missed the not-so-subtle jab, but I sure didn't. I was quick to invite him to join us, holding up the bowl of popcorn to lure him. His sigh was barely perceptible. He walked around the couch and sat down to my left. WuFei was on my right. Because I had been sitting in the center of the couch, there was no way for the couple to sit together without me scooting over. The fact that neither of them asked me to move over so they could sit together spoke volumes. Heero sagged into the cushions and placed his feet on the coffee table, casually crossing his legs at the ankle. I let my gaze trail up from his clunky boots, up the length of his leather-clad legs - he was wearing a pair of black leather jeans that I knew fit him exquisitely, especially in the posterior - and I marveled at the flat planes of his stomach, shown off by his fitted white T-shirt. His wiry arms were exposed by the rolled-up sleeves of the denim blouse he wore on top. He looked over to reach for the popcorn and as we made eye contact I whispered: "You look great." He grabbed a handful of popcorn and popped the first two pieces into his mouth, while trying not to smile. I nudged his shoulder with mine and said: "It's a really good movie. Have you seen it before?" He snorted. "Of course, it's a classic." I swiveled my head to look at WuFei. "Did you hear? Heero agrees, it's a classic. I told you so." The tension was palpable. It made the beer taste even more bitter. Even the sweetness of the popcorn was lost on my tongue. Heero didn't seem to mind. He had claimed the bowl, taking it into his own lap and he was chewing non-stop, as an excuse to not have to say anything. I didn't know what to say, it felt uncomfortable to be making quips. WuFei, who had been enjoying the movie up until that point, had also stopped laughing, catching on that Heero wasn't happy with him in the moment, but realizing it was too late to do anything about it without coming off as phony. I couldn't let this ruin our evening. I kept swallowing back humorous remarks, waiting for a really good one to test the waters. Eventually, a dry joke burst out of me. It was the first sound in over twenty minutes to not be made by the television set and arguably it was merely this element of surprise that raised the efficacy of the comment - because it definitely wasn't all that funny. I could feel them both flinch at the sudden, deep sound of my voice cutting into the dialogue of the movie and then in perfect symmetry they both relaxed, the tension washed away and Heero was the first to start laughing. Relieved that I hadn't shot a blank, I joined him in laughter and shortly after so did WuFei. Without knowing how I had managed it, exactly, I had flipped a switch and the three of us were able to relax. Heero and I slipped into our usual routine of criticizing every frame, Heero especially enjoyed pointing out scientific inaccuracies, and WuFei laughed heartedly at our cynicism and he called us Statler and Waldorf; the old guys from the Muppets show who panned everything. WuFei wasn't wrong. Later WuFei and I teamed up on Heero, accusing him of hogging the popcorn bowl which led to him throwing handfuls at us when we least expected it. I felt like a teenager again, which was strange because I never did stuff like this with friends when I was younger. I was a mean-spirited, insecure kid and the only thing I had in common with any of my friends was that they were equally mean-spirited and insecure. I liked this much better and I felt blessed for having gotten a second chance with Heero. We watched the sequel as well. It was not as good, a sad fact that rang true for most sequels, but we were high on sugar, beer and the laughing fits, anything and everything could amuse us at that point. This was proven when Heero suddenly burst into a hiccup-y laugh during one of the serious scenes, when it was unclear whether the main protagonist had survived his ordeal and the dramatic music swelled. WuFei and I watched him with raised eyebrows but his mirth was so infectious we couldn't help but start giggling ourselves. After the four and a half hour marathon we left the mess in the living room for what it was and retreated to our respective bedrooms. It was the first time since I had known either of them that WuFei decided to spend the night and although it gave me a warm, hopeful, fuzzy feeling because I wanted their relationship to work out for Heero's sake, I could not deny the distant gnaw of jealousy, like a mouse nibbling away at a floorboard in an old house; you could hear it, you knew it was happening, but you couldn't pinpoint it and you couldn't stop it. You could stomp your feet and scare the mouse away, but he would be back.
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