"The Neon Spectrum"

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not profit.

Rating:

Warnings: Angst! Drama! Hurt/Comfort elements! Language! Sexual confusion/identity crisis! Gender identity crisis! Homophobia! Transphobia! Violence (non-explicit)! SEX (explicit)! Minor Dom/Sub Dynamic (honestly so mild it might not even be worth mentioning)!

Pairings: 2x1, 3x4

Summary: Duo finds out life isn't black and white when he realizes he's in love with his gay roommate. But Heero has no interest in dating a 'straight' man while he struggles with his own identity.

AN: This story explores the sexuality spectrum as well as the gender spectrum. That means this story includes a Gender-Bending/Genderqueer/Gender-Fluid/Non-Binary Gender Identity character (read: feminization and crossdressing). If that is not something you are open to, please skip this story.

If you decide to read this story, please remember that the featured characters are individuals and are not written to represent an entire group of people. I'm not making any statements on what it means to be queer or gender queer. Neither sexuality nor gender identity can be generalized across people – it's different for everyone – and this story is about the experiences of two individuals. I don't mean any disrespect, to anyone, and I hope I've handled the subject with the sensitivity that it deserves.

Beta: Shima Yi (Thanks so much for doing this!)

"The Neon Spectrum"

Chapter ELEVEN - You Win Some, You Lose Some

The four of them met in front of the pizzeria and exchanged introductions. Bram was tall and handsome - albeit a little mousier than Duo had expected based off of Hilde's description - with his curly hair, strawberry blonde scruff, wire-frame glasses, and moss green sweater-vest worn over a grey, striped button-up. He was friendly and easy to talk to, and Duo could tell he made Heero feel at ease right away when he leaned forward for a polite hug, as if he was in-tune that Heero's energy was different - not as masculine - and recognized that he could hug him the way a man could hug a woman. He was sweet; right off the bat, Duo liked him and he was happy for Hilde. The way he stared at her - all googly-eyed - made it apparent he was smitten with her.

Hilde was dressed to impress; Duo felt guilty about not giving her a heads-up that the restaurant wasn't exactly fancy, but he figured that she'd come to that conclusion on her own, considering it was just a pizzeria. She wore a fitted, black dress, knee-high boots and a lot of make-up. He hugged her tightly as he greeted her, and told her she looked beautiful, because she did.

He was grateful Hilde and Heero would finally have an opportunity to get to know each other. He had admitted to Heero that he had told his long-time friend about "the secret" and Heero's reaction had been mild; not what he was prepared for. Heero said he expected Duo would tell Hilde and that, while it made him self-conscious, he wanted Duo to be able to share things with Hilde. Heero was always worried about burdening his boyfriend and - more than anything - it was a relief to him that Duo had someone to talk to.

With the formalities of introductions over, they headed inside; Bram was already starting in on a funny story about the Uber he and Hilde took. Inside, as they were waiting for the waiter to prepare their table for them, they all laughed at Bram's jokes. Duo thought things were going well. Hilde's smile was beaming when Heero instantly complimented her high-heeled boots, recognizing them as Dior, and pointing out the coincidence that his shoes were Dior as well. But her reply was odd.

She thanked him, and glanced a look at his patent leather, black and white shoes with asymmetrical zippers down the front, and wondered: "Aren't those from the women's collection though?"

The shoes had flair, for sure - not typical men's footwear - but they weren't particularly feminine either. Duo would have never thought that they were technically women's shoes, but obviously, Hilde was familiar with the brand. It was an odd thing for her to focus on, and kind of rude too. Heero sheepishly admitted that she was right, but argued that the design was pretty masculine for women's shoes, so they were unisex in his eyes. Duo and Bram were standing by, neither of them knowing how to insert themselves in the conversation. It was awkward, and Duo felt tension between all four of them.

The waiter returned and guided them to their table. They took their seats in silence. Hilde sat across from Duo, although he had hoped she would seat herself opposite of Heero, to give them a better opportunity to talk and get to know each other. She immediately snatched one of the menus off the center of the table and hid her face behind it.

Duo shared a look with Heero, but Heero simply shrugged and grabbed a menu himself.

"I really like your bracelets," Bram said. "They're beautiful."

Maybe he is a little too nice. Trying a little too hard, Duo thought to himself, but he recognized that it wasn't a bad thing.

Heero proudly looked at his three bangles. "Thank you. They were Duo's birthday present to me."

"Are they real?" Hilde asked.

Rude!

"Sorry?" Heero raised his eyebrows at her, not understanding the question.

"Are the gold ones real, or just plated?"

"I-..." Obviously Heero understood her question once she clarified, but he looked no less confused. "I don't think that matters."

"Oh no, of course not!" She agreed with a smile. She looked at her menu again, but then added as an afterthought: "Duo bought me lovely gold earrings for my birthday once. I'm wearing them now," she touched her finger to one of the gold hoops in her ears.

"They're very nice," Heero said flatly; he shot an odd look at Duo before focusing his attention on his menu.

Duo stared at her incredulously. Why is she being like this? Bragging about earrings I gave her three years ago? Come to think of it, he never saw her wear the hoops once before - why were they important all of a sudden?

The waiter came by to take their order. They all got pizza, except Hilde, who ordered chicken lasagna. She also asked for a carafe of wine for the table; when he brought it over a minute later, she poured herself a comically big glass, and while pouring wine for the rest of them, she giggled at herself when she spilled some. She raised her glass for a toast and wasn't satisfied until they all touched glasses and took a sip - even Bram, who informed the table that he didn't drink, which Hilde didn't seem to be aware of.

"Hil," Duo leaned across the table, "Are you drunk?"

"Just a little tipsy," she defended herself. "I had a few white wine spritzers at the start of the evening."

"Alright, well, be careful," he reached out and narrowly stopped her from knocking over her glass when she made a dismissive gesture.

Bram and Heero did most of the talking. Hilde's contributions to the evening were mostly just obnoxious laughs, regardless of whether or not what was said was actually funny. Duo tried to engage in the conversation, but he was distracted by Hilde's all-over-the-place attitude; halfway through dinner, he had to start babying her, stopping her from pouring herself one glass of wine after another as she drank like a sailor. Having known her for eight years, he knew she couldn't handle her liquor well, and he never liked her much when she was drunk - she got very bratty. Usually, he knew they would be able to at least get a laugh out of it the next day once she sobered up, but he didn't think it would be funny this time around.

Being denied access to the wine carafe - when she was an adult who could make her own decisions, she argued loudly - only made Hilde more irritable and argumentative. She mocked Bram for not drinking; rained empty compliments on Heero, which she somehow managed to phrase in a way that made them sound like jabs towards his femininity; and she kept calling Duo "Dad" or "Daddy", with a roll of her eyes, whenever he stopped her from reaching for the wine, or prevented her from catching her sleeve fire when it got too close to the candle in the center of the table. Pretty soon, none of the three men were very happy to be in her company - not even Bram, who seemed cured of the lovesick-look he had in his eyes earlier. The other guests in the restaurant weren't too fond of her either, and the staff was also not impressed.

Duo had seen her drunk before, but she was never quite as horrible as she was that evening; or maybe she had been, and it was just more awkward since it wasn't only the two of them - now Bram and Heero were getting dragged into her antics.

When their plates had been cleared away, the waiter asked if they would like to see the dessert menu, but it was no secret that he'd rather see them leave, with the gruff tone of his voice.

"No, thank you, I'd like the check," Duo said.

"Jeez, he's not getting a tip," Hilde muttered, purposefully loud enough for the waiter to overhear as he stepped away from their table.

"Jesus, Hil." Duo shared an apologetic look with both Heero and Bram. When the bill arrived, Bram offered to pay, or to at least pay for half, but Duo shook his head and paid for everything himself. "Can you just make sure she gets home okay?"

Bram looked uncomfortable, but before he could say anything, Hilde blurted: "I'm not going to let him take me home. I barely know him."

"What are you talking about? You said you guys were dating."

"This is the first time we've gone out," Bram explained sheepishly.

Duo shot Hilde an incredulous look. What the fuck is going on?

"I think, maybe, I should just go," the curly-haired man said, and he looked to Duo and Heero for approval.

Duo pitied the man. He seemed genuinely saddened by how Hilde had turned out to be. He had a crush on her, but all he was left with after the evening was disappointment. "Sure, yeah. I'll take care of her. I'm sorry about all this."

"That's okay. I'm sorry too." Bram got up from his seat and extended his hand to Duo, and then to Heero, for a polite goodbye. "Thank you, for dinner. Goodnight." He meekly waved goodbye and then walked away.

"Bye," said Heero, before getting his phone from his pocket to arrange transportation. He ordered two Ubers: one for himself to take him home, and one for Duo and Hilde, so he could escort her back to her apartment before heading home himself.

"I'm so sorry about this," Duo whispered in his ear. He placed his hand on the back of his neck, and rubbed his thumb in circles. "I don't know what has gotten into her."

"It's fine. Just get her to bed. You guys should definitely talk tomorrow."

Duo nodded.

The first Uber was quick to arrive, and Duo got up with Heero to walk him to the car; he ordered Hilde to stay at the table. Outside he held the door open for him, but before Heero could get into the car, he kissed him.

Heero smiled and adjusted his coat in the cold wind. "I'll be waiting for you in your bed." Duo liked the sound of that. He knew they wouldn't have sex, not after that crazy evening, but he was looking forward to falling asleep with his lover in his arms.

After seeing Heero off, Duo headed back into the restaurant and cursed when Hilde was missing from the table. Soon enough though, she came stumbling out of the restrooms. She had trouble walking in her high heels, being as inebriated as she was. With an arm around her waist for support, he guided her outside. She was shivering in the cold, but her coat was warm enough, and he knew some fresh air would do her good while they waited for the second car. Once the Uber pulled up, her helped her into the backseat.

The car ride was very quiet. For whatever reason, the driver did not have the radio turned on. Hilde seemed to be crashing. She had been happy-go-lucky - if insufferable - at the restaurant, but in the car, she fell silent and her expression was blank as she looked out the window. Suddenly, she burst out in sobs. Duo stared at her, shocked. He was angry with her for her behavior, but he also hated seeing her upset - he didn't know how to act.

"Are you alright, miss?" The driver asked, since Duo wasn't being of any help.

"I'm... fine..." She mewled pathetically. She sobbed and sniffed a minute longer and then, as abruptly as it started, she stopped crying and stared out the window again with empty eyes.

They arrived at her building and Duo asked the driver to wait a few minutes so he could help her upstairs. The man as understanding, but reminded him that he couldn't wait too long. They headed up the stairs slowly. There was no elevator and she needed his hands to keep her steady. She took off her boots halfway up to her fourth-floor apartment and managed a little better, but still Duo kept his hands at the ready, and carried her boots for her so she could use both hands on the bannister, and steps in front of her.

Inside her apartment, Hilde blindly found her way to the couch where she dropped down before Duo could redirect her to her bedroom. He searched the wall for the light switch; when he found it, his friend groaned at the bright light overhead.

"You should get to bed. Sleep this off."

"Carry me?" Hilde begged with pitiful eyes.

Duo was losing his patience with her. "You can walk." He went over to her and hoisted her up by her wrist. She winced and moaned as if he hurt her, but he had taken care that he wouldn't, and he knew she was being difficult for the sake of it.

"You're mad," she surmised.

"Yes."

"I've never made you mad before."

"You have, I've just never let you see it."

She sighed dramatically and dropped back down onto the couch, much to his dismay. "Why are you letting me see now? I don't like it."

"Because I used to get mad at you about little things. This is not a 'little thing'."

Hilde looked up at him with innocent eyes.

"You were really shitty tonight," Duo pointed out, even though there was no reasoning with her - considering how drunk she was - and most of what he would say would be forgotten by tomorrow. "To Bram and to Heero. To me too, but I don't care about that."

"I've been nothing but nice to him! All I ever did was call him 'cute' and 'pretty'."

"Yeah, sarcastically."

"I didn't," she pouted.

"Whatever. And you were a total bitch to Bram. Why did you lie to me about him?"

"Lie?"

"You said you guys had been dating - that wasn't true!"

"Oh, right," she chuckled.

"Is it funny?"

Hilde laughed harder. "I thought you'd get jealous!" She said, as he body shook with laughter. "But why would you ever be jealous of a guy like Bram? Fuck, if I had known he was going to wear a sweater-vest, I would have asked Jonathan from human resources. I didn't because he's bald!" She continued to laugh, clutching her sides.

Duo sighed. "You're not making any sense. You were trying to make me jealous?"

Suddenly, whatever had been funny before wasn't anymore, and she stopped laughing and glared up at him. She snapped: "Of course I wanted to make you jealous!"

He frowned at her. "Why?"

"Because I'm in love with you, you asshole!"

Duo reeled back at her unexpected confession. "What?" He wanted to laugh, hoping it was another joke that he wasn't getting, but her expression was dead serious, and there was nothing humorous about the predicament he found himself in. He heard a car honk and knew it was the Uber driver getting impatient, but he couldn't walk away after what she had said. He did, however, take a step back to distance himself from her when she reached out to grab at the front of his jeans.

He repeated: "What?"

"I love you!" She was angrier than anything else.

Duo didn't know how to process it. This was the same friend who rubbed in his face that he was in love with Heero, a little over a year ago! The same friend who encouraged him to try and make Heero fall in love with him! Why would she do that if she was in love with him? Hell, he had even offered for them to start dating again, and she shut that down!

One of her mood swings occurred again, and she became soft spoken and sweet as she explained: "Remember when we talking about how a single moment can change your entire perspective, and make you see something, that has been in front of you the entire time, differently?"

Yeah, when she helped him have the epiphany that he was in love with Heero, and later told him that he could help Heero have an epiphany with regards to his feelings for Duo. "Yeah...?"

"For me, that moment was at your birthday, last year. When we danced? When you kissed me?" Her tone hardened. "You kissed me!"

Duo blinked at her accusation, as if he did this to her - like he had masterminded it.

"I realized how great we could be, together, now that we are both older," she continued.

"That kiss was a mistake. I told you it was a mistake," he said. It had to be said, even if it made her look as if he had punched her in the gut. "I was sad about Heero, because it seemed like he was going to be a no-show."

Hilde scoffed. "Sad about Heero," she mocked. "The only reason you even think you love him is because I told you so!"

"Hilde-" Duo tried to calm her down, but she ranted on.

"What if I was wrong? Have you ever thought about that? Clearly, I was wrong! Heero just has you confused. You are just confused, Duo!"

"I'm not confused! I was confused before. Before you helped me realize the truth." His voice was starting to become hoarse with emotion as it dawned on him that the things she was saying could ruin their friendship: a friendship that had lasted eight years; a friendship that had opened his eyes, to see himself and Heero more clearly; a friendship that he owed so much to. He loved Hilde, but not in the way she wanted him to. "Hilde, you better stop before you say something that I will never be able to forgive you for." He held up a trembling finger.

"You are confused! I was too! I thought you were gay, but he isn't even a real guy! And he's not a real woman either!" After a pause, she shouted: "He's nothing!"

"Don't talk about him like that," he warned her with a dangerous stare.

"He's nothing!" She repeated, bitter in the face of his rejection, and out to hurt him as much as he had inadvertently hurt her. "You think you love him because he's girly, but he's just an imitation! Why would you want that if you can be with someone real?"

Duo shook his head at her, and took deep breaths through his nose to keep himself calm and his emotions in check. His eyes were welling up with tears, but he didn't want to shed them.

"I'd understand if you were gay, and you liked him, but not me, because he's a guy. But you're not gay. And Heero is not even transgender - he's just a fucking drag queen-"

"Stop!" Duo buried his face in his palms and cursed under his breath when he felt his wet cheeks. "Why are you doing this? Why are you like this?" He thought she was better than this; he thought she would understand, that she would be open-minded. He thought her to be a woman of the twenty-first century, but she had been reduced to a woman scorned. The alcohol might have made it worse, but alcohol does not put words in mouths that aren't already there.

"He's crazy and he's manipulating you because he knows he needs you! He's going to ruin your life! He's sick! He's sick in the head!"

Duo balled his fists at his sides. He became nauseous at himself - at how close he was to hitting her. She knew exactly where his buttons were and was pressing all of them.

"Once he realizes that, you're going to spend the rest of your life stopping him from trying to off himself! I don't want to watch him drag you down. He's caused you so much trouble and heartache already!"

"Shut up!" Duo screamed at the top of his lungs. "SHUT UP!" He fisted his hands into the front of his coat, not knowing what to do with himself as he had a physical reaction - pain in his chest, headache, trembling limbs - to his own anger, grief and hurt.

His biggest fear was Heero being so torn by his switching gender identity - and society judging him for it, brushing it off as a mental illness - that he would see suicide as the only way out, the way so many conflicted LGBTQ+ people turned to suicide as a last resort, especially those with gender identity issues. He told her that in confidence; he had trusted her with that. To have his best friend use that fear against him was the most hurtful thing anyone had ever done to him. He'd been mistreated and bullied by many people in a lifetime, but never did anyone hurt him so intimately.

He doubled over. The pain was physical and for a second, it was too much to bear. He sucked in a deep breath and forced himself to straighten up. He could barely see her small, seated form through the tears in his eyes. "We're done," he ground out.

"Duo... No..." Hilde reached out to him but he stepped back, nearly tripping over the coffee table. "Please... Don't do this!"

"This is not my doing!" He yelled angrily. "This is all you! You ruined us!"

"You ruined what we could have been!" She wailed in response.

He stormed out of her apartment and ignored the desperate change in her tone as she pleaded for forgiveness and begged him to come back. He rushed down the stairs and felt like he couldn't breathe again until he was finally outside. He wasn't surprised to see that the Uber had taken off. He wandered down the street and opened his coat to cool some of the insufferable heat in his chest and face.

She caught him completely off guard. She had been so cool with the thought of him being attracted to Heero in the first place. Clearly, she wasn't homophobic - he knew her to have gay friends. How can someone like that shut her mind to people like Heero? Why was an acceptance and understanding for gender fluidity too much to ask, and why did that seem to be a recurring thing? Homosexuality was accepted more and more, while transsexuality was villainized, and non-binary gender identity was misconstrued as a mental illness and turned into a lame internet meme: "If I had a dollar for every gender, I'd have two dollars." He knew that she probably would have never said the things she did if she hadn't been in love with him, and hadn't been trying to lash out at him for leaving her affections unrequited; but that did not excuse what she said about Heero, and how she betrayed Duo's trust as a friend.

It was disheartening finding out that Heero had been right after all.

He unlocked his phone and scrolled through the back-and-forth messages between him and his partner, until he found the text that had been brought to the forefront of his mind.

Someday something will hit u

Heero had been warning him the entire time, but Duo had been naïve and optimistic, thinking that the worst he would have to deal with were guys like Jamie and that asshole at the restaurant. He didn't think someone close to him would hurt him like that. He didn't think it would cost him a cherished friendship.

Maybe when u least expect it

Heero had been right about that too. And of course, he would turn out to be right. This had been his life; he'd been dealing with people reacting negatively to him since he came out in his late teens.

Duo scrolled further down.

Pinky promise me ull talk with me then

Pinky promise

He toyed with the idea of breaking that promise, because he knew Heero would feel responsible and guilty for what had transpired between Duo and Hilde, and he didn't want to hurt him. But he made a promise and, more importantly, he knew he needed Heero. He craved to be held in his arms and have him comfort him, because he believed he was the only person who could help him feel right again, after that explosion between him and Hilde left him feeling all jumbled up inside.

Using his phone, he navigated his way to the nearest bus stop; he was in luck when a bus came by a mere three minutes later - he'd be home sooner than if he'd wait for another Uber. He hopped on and got off at the bus stop around the corner from their apartment building. He walked the rest of the way home, feeling like a zombie, and he leaned heavily against the mirrored wall of the elevator as he went up.

The apartment was dark except for the orange light coming out of his bedroom, where Heero was waiting for him. Duo toed off his shoes and shook off his coat along the way, tossing it onto the couch. He stopped in the doorway of his bedroom and sighed at the sight of him, lying on the bed, tucked under the sheets, hugging a pillow to his chest.

The younger man blinked his eyes open, probably woken up by Duo's not-so-quiet entrance. "Hey." Tired blue eyes recognized his distraught expression right away and he sat up in bed. "Babe, what's wrong?"

Duo couldn't speak. He started to cry. He crossed the distance to the bed, and crawled under the sheets and into Heero's arms. He wept into the crook of his neck, and found comfort in his lover's warmth and the way he petted his hand through his hair.

Heero didn't pry for answers; instead, he let Duo cry for as long as he needed to, until he started talking on his own accord. With a heavy heart, the older man told him that his friendship with Hilde was over, because she was in love with him and tried to convince Duo that it was wrong for him to be in love with Heero. He couldn't tell him the details; he didn't even want to repeat most of the things she had said, but he knew Heero would figure out the broad strokes and that broke Duo's heart.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Heero whispered.

"You warned me. You warned me but I didn't believe you." Duo felt the wetness on Heero's cheek when he nuzzled his nose against Duo's ear. "I didn't want to tell you. But I promised. And I needed to tell you. I need you. I love you so, so much."

"It's okay. I'm glad you told me. Thank you." Heero tightened his arms around him. "I got you. I got you."

And he did. He petted his hair and rocked him and Duo cried again, because that moment was exactly one of the reasons why Heero wouldn't say he loved him too: in case Duo couldn't handle being faced with such reactions for the rest of his life, he didn't want to burden Duo with his "I love you". He didn't want to tie Duo down with his word; instead, he left him an escape hatch. Him not saying "I love you" was his way of communicating, "it's okay if you need to protect yourself".

Eventually, exhaustion caused Duo to fall asleep.

Not having Hilde in his life anymore was a bigger adjustment than Duo had predicted. They never saw much of each other - only lunch or dinner every month or so, and silly text message exchanges in between, sometimes exclusively emoji's - so he figured that, although he would definitely miss her, he wouldn't think of her often and it wouldn't really change his life. But once he blocked her number, after she spent days texting and calling, trying to reach him, he realized that his friendship with Hilde - having been his only friend aside from Heero, Quatre and Trowa - was a bigger part of his life than he had been aware of.

Regularly, something would happen, or a random thought would occur to him - little inside jokes they'd shared for eight years - and he'd think of her. Hilde would find this interesting, or Hilde would think this is funny. Every time, he reactively went for his phone, to send her a text about a dumb commercial, a song on the radio, a dog on the street or a habit observed in a stranger, like he normally would, only to stop himself and remember: We aren't friends anymore.

It took a while for that pain to dull and it definitely cast a dark shadow on the holidays, Nicole's wedding - to which he was invited as Heero's "Plus One" - and his birthday at the start of the new year.

Heero told him that the friendship didn't need to be over if he didn't want it to be; he was the voice of reason, and even the devil's advocate, as he sometimes took Hilde's side as they talked about it. But Duo didn't think it would be fair to salvage the friendship by accepting her narrowmindedness on the issue of gender identity, not when she wouldn't salvage the friendship by accepting Heero. Not to mention, her romantic feelings for him made everything all the more complicated; Duo no longer felt like he could trust her the way he used to, since she had her own agenda. Love made people do crazy things - Duo could sympathize - but he couldn't forgive her for the things that she said.

After a while, he realized he missed the person he thought she was. He had been wrong about her. She had been grossly selfish and he had never expected that of her. He knew what it was like to be in love with someone and have to endure seeing that person happy with someone else; for months he had to watch as Heero was happy with Logan while falling more and more in love with him every day, but he had never attempted to drive a wedge between them for his own benefit, like Hilde had attempted. She should have been his friend first and foremost and as his friend she should have been happy for him.

Duo had an interesting conversation with Trowa about the changes in life after "coming out". Trowa was different from Quatre and Heero, in the sense that it had never been obvious that he was gay, since he didn't fit the stereotype. He didn't come out to everyone in his social circle until he was twenty-four years old, and his coming out left him with fewer, but better friends. "I found out who my real friends were," he said.

By his own engineering, people only ever met the side of Trowa that they could identify with, and could latch onto without stepping out of their own comfort zone; then, they filled in the blanks based on their own biases and stereotypes. The friends he had to leave behind only ever liked the idea of Trowa - "straight Trowa" - and they would have only ever accommodated him in their lives if he had traveled the same path as them: meet a girl, get married, have kids. The friends he was still close with were the people who could step beyond their comfort zone and embrace the differences between them. Either way, he didn't blame any of them, because it was his own fault for waiting too long to be completely open with them.

Trowa likened it to signing a contract, one that is partially written in invisible ink; they didn't know what they were getting into when they signed, and they got more than they bargained for. Everything could have been prevented if all information had been on the table from the start. They simply would have never become friends to begin with, and no one would have gotten hurt.

It was the same between Duo and Hilde. Their friendship, too, was based on a contract that was partly illegible. In their case, because there was a part to Duo that he himself wasn't even aware of, Hilde couldn't have known either that he would one day fall in love with a person that was neither man or woman, and that she was supposed to be cool with that.

Hilde's comfort zone was pretty broad, considering she was fine with the possibility of Duo being gay or bisexual, but as she had fallen for him; she became fenced in by her comfort zone, and she couldn't budge far enough to accept the gender spectrum. Perhaps one day, when her feelings for Duo had faded, things would be different and she could learn that the gender spectrum was just as valid as the sexuality spectrum; then she could accept Duo's love for Heero. At least, that was Trowa's two cents.

It had been an eye-opening afternoon, because Duo never felt so close to Trowa before. After their heartfelt conversation, sharing private details about their past, he felt more connected to him than ever, and he recognized the importance of "fewer but better friends". Now that Duo had figured himself out, he could connect with people on a deeper level. It was a shame that Hilde wasn't one of those people.

He let go of his anger, and he let go of her.

"Ladies! Nice to see you again," Duo called as he stepped through the front door of the apartment. He was greeted with a chorus of giggles. The four of them were seated at the dinner table, pouring over Nicole's wedding photos. The glasses of red wine were wisely put on the other far end of the table, to avoid catastrophe. Duo had dinner at Quatre's and Trowa's, clearing the way for "girl's night", which was different that time because Heero hadn't been feeling particularly girly for the past few weeks.

The Japanese man told him he had periods like that before and that he used to think those periods meant something: that he was meant to be male after all. But no matter how long one of those periods lasted, they would always end eventually. Until then, Duo explored and enjoyed his lover's masculine side. Still, he was always looking for subtle clues to try and figure out when the shift would occur, and how and if Duo should act accordingly. He wanted to be sensitive to the change and ease Heero through it, because his lover used to get really upset when the periods of calm were over; he admitted he still got distraught thinking of how much easier his life could be if the scale would just stop moving. He cried about it that morning, and it broke Duo's heart to see. Masculine Heero was a lot harder to comfort when he was crying than feminine Heero, Duo discovered. Heero was too frustrated and impatient with his own emotions to really pay attention to Duo's attempts to console him, and the younger man was angry with himself for burdening Duo with it.

Duo walked up to the table and Heero cocked his head to receive a kiss on his cheek. "Hey, baby," Duo greeted softly, not wanting to disrupt the girls who were cooing over how cute the flower girls - Nicole's nieces - looked in the candid pictures.

Heero faced him with a smile. He looked comfortable and cute in a pair of shorts and one of Duo's shirts, and his growing hair was pulled back into a tiny ponytail high up on the back of his head. "Hey."

Duo rubbed his hand in circles on his back. "Feeling good?" He asked in a whisper.

"Hmhm." Heero tilted his head again; Duo knew exactly what he wanted and leaned in for a sweet kiss.

"Stop it you guys," Drew whined. "You're going to make me ruin my make-up!" She dramatically dabbed her fingers under her eyes, as if she was crying.

"You're worried about tears?" Annessa countered. "Honey, if they go on, I won't be tearing up, I'll be leaving a wet spot on the seat."

Everyone let out a shocked, hard laugh at her comment.

Drew clutched her sides. "Now I'm going to leave a wet spot! From pissing my pants!"

"Oh my God, Duo!" Nicole tapped his arm and pushed the wedding album closer to him. "Look at you! So dapper."

Duo put his hands on the edge of the table and looked down at the picture of himself and a group of the groomsmen that he'd spent a while talking to. He didn't wear tuxedos often, but he did have to agree that he filled the rented suit out nicely. "Not too shabby."

"There's a picture of you and Heero too. Wanna see?"

"Of course," he said. Heero looked so good at the wedding, he wanted to see him again.

Nicole flipped backwards through the pages, until she found a full-page image of the couple; she smirked at him as his mouth fell open.

They had been standing in front of a winter wonderland backdrop: flickering lights, white flowers and white balloons, and crystals dangling down from the ceiling. Duo was in his classic tuxedo. The photo-op was early in the evening, so he was still wearing his bow tie - he had rid himself of it pretty soon after and he had to pay a fine at the tuxedo shop because he lost track of the little thing. Heero was wearing a black suit as well, part of it, at least. His legs looked a mile long in the fitted slacks - not a rental, of course - and the buttoned-up women's blazer he wore on top made his shoulders look sharp; it was cinched at the waist and flared out a little at the hips, giving him a nice, although not overly feminine, shape. He wore nothing underneath the blazer, showing off his golden chest to midway down his sternum. His make-up had been light but brightened his eyes and enhanced their deep blue shade. As always, he wore the threesome of bangles, but also a black, lace choker around his neck. He looked taller standing next to Duo because it had been the first and - thus far - only time he had worn high heels in public; the black, strappy shoes Duo had seen in the store and had ended up buying him as an early Christmas present.

Duo cleared his throat when he realized how long he had been staring. He looked up to see the four of them looking at him, all doe-eyed. "... I'm definitely going to need copies."

Nicole laughed and pushed a USB drive his way. "Already got you covered; these are all the photos from the ceremony and the reception that you and Heero are in."

Drew pulled the wedding album towards herself, flipping it around because she had been looking at it upside down from the other side of the table. "Sweet baby Jesus, boo. You slayed that outfit. I need to borrow those shoes."

"Hell no," was Heero's immediate answer.

"I let you borrow my boots!"

Duo winced; he preferred not to have that night mentioned, but Heero was unaffected and he shot back: "You know damn well your big ass feet aren't going to fit, sister."

Annessa and Nicole laughed at how Heero was able to sound joking and dead-serious all at once. Duo laughed with them, bemused by how Annessa would snort as she laughed; she seemed like such a delicate girl, her laugh didn't fit her at all, but that made it all the more endearing.

He then touched his hand to Heero's shoulder; once he had his attention he announced softly: "I'm gonna take a shower and I guess I'll Netflix and chill in bed."

Heero nodded, but Nicole suggested: "Wanna flip through the rest of the album with us?"

Duo looked at her expectant face and when he turned back to face Heero, he noticed he sported a similar expression. He thought for a moment, wondering if it would be appropriate to join them, but then he realized it wasn't really "girl's night", because Heero wasn't a girl, and that made it feel less like he was intruding in on a ritual that he wasn't supposed to be a part of. He smiled in return. "I'd love to. Can I take a shower first though?"

"Sure, we'll wait for you. We'll drink our wine and get you a glass in the meantime," said Nicole, taking charge.

"Cool, thanks. I won't wash my hair, so I'll only be a few minutes." He left them as they reached for their wine and started a discussion about the hassle of long hair. Nicole and Annessa could identify with the issue. When Drew chimed in, they laughed at her and pointed out that she had it easy because she could just let her wigs dry overnight.

Duo rushed through his shower because he didn't want to make them wait too long. He thought about getting properly dressed afterwards, since they had company. But seeing as how Heero wore sweatshorts and one of Duo's sleep-shirts that was way too big on him, he figured it was acceptable for him to dress comfortable. He went with sweats and a tank top.

When he returned to the living room, his mere presence interrupted their laughter. They stared at him and it made him a little self-conscious. He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, and gratefully followed Heero's instructions as his boyfriend got up from his seat and gestured for Duo to sit down. Once he was seated, he didn't even have time to wonder where Heero was going to sit - considering they only had four chairs at the dinner table - because Heero settled himself on his lap and guided one of Duo's arms around him to lock him in place.

Drew snapped out of it, leaned across the table and extended her hand out to pinch Duo's bicep. "My God, look at those arms." She sat back in her chair and shot Heero a cheeky look. "You lucky, lucky boy."

Duo blushed and hid his face behind Heero, digging his nose into his back, between his shoulder blades.

"You have no idea. His arms aren't the only things as thick as trees."

Duo laughed along with the girls, but the sound of his rumbling laughter was muffled as he further pressed his face against Heero's back. His lover definitely had enough wine to be more than a little tipsy, but it was amusing.

"I meant his legs!" Heero defended, but he couldn't keep a straight face.

"Of course you did," the three ladies said in unison.

Once everyone had calmed down and Duo had time to play catch-up a little - pretty much chugging down a full glass of wine - they started leafing through the wedding album.

Their guests left almost two hours later, after finishing the last bottle of wine in the house. Duo was feeling tired and drowsy from the alcohol, but giddy too. His cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling all night: laughing because the three girls were funny characters, and smiling because it felt so nice and right to have Heero in his lap - it was the most normal thing and that made him feel happy. He couldn't count how often he kissed Heero's neck to try and show how pleased he was having him so close.

Heero was clearing away the wine glasses, carrying them to the sink, when he nearly tripped over his own feet; he burst out laughing.

"Don't hurt yourself." Duo came to stand behind him and steadied him with a firm grip on his hips. Heero squirmed out of his hold with a chuckle and he put the glasses away in the kitchen. Then he hopped up onto the kitchen counter, and crooked his finger at his lover, beckoning him closer. He parted his knees in invitation. Duo closed the distance between them with big steps, inserting himself between Heero's thighs.

He leaned in for a kiss but the other tilted his head back, denying him with a breathy chuckle. Duo kissed his collarbone instead, exposed by the loose collar of the shirt that was several sizes too big for him. He put his hand on the small of Heero's back and inched him closer to the edge of the counter. Thankfully, it turned out neither had too much wine, and both were already aroused.

Duo put his hands under the shirt, mapping the smooth expanse of skin, locating the dimples at the tailbone, the countless bumps of the spine, and the sharp rises of his shoulder blades. Heero's hands explored Duo's chest and ghosted over his abdomen, going under the fabric as well to circle each ab.

"Will you let me kiss you now?" Duo moaned.

"... Yes..."

He raised his head and connected their mouths. Their lips moved together languidly. They panted harshly through their noses, neither wanting to interrupt the kiss to breathe through their mouths. Duo hooked his hands under Heero's knees and had him lock his legs around him, crossing them at the ankle behind him. He clawed at the thighs that held him in place, reveling in the texture of short hairs. Heero hadn't waxed in a while; he didn't shave every day either, and Duo liked the prickle of the dark stubble on his upper lip, chin and along his jawline. He liked scratching a finger through it; the sound of his nails catching on the miniscule hairs made him tingle.

They let their tongues meet between their parted lips before taking turns claiming the other's mouth as their own. Heero tightened his legs around Duo and rolled his hips, creating some friction that had them both moaning into the kiss, but it wasn't enough. Duo wormed one hand between them and divided his attention between their two arousals. Instantly, the friction went from not enough to too much and he stopped because he didn't want it to end with both of them coming in their pants. He paused the kiss only long enough to strip them both out of their shirts.

As they continued their kiss, he thumbed the sensitive nipples, and Heero jerked, almost as if Duo's touch had hurt him. But soon he writhed favorably in response and melted anew into the kiss. "Feeling good, baby?" Duo asked against his lips.

"I feel... soft..." he said, his eyebrows twitching as he acknowledged that was a strange answer. Rather than examine his reply, his tongue teased Duo into taking control of the kiss.

Duo ground their hips together. Heero wasn't "soft" at all. His cock was just as hard as Duo's, and just as painful in its need for release, he imagined. He was eager to get them to a bed and naked, so he made sure Heero's legs were still secure around him and directed his arms over his shoulder. He then lifted Heero up from the counter, helping support his weight with one arm snaked around his waist, and the other hand gripping his ass. Heero was small and light, and pretty easy to carry. He felt comfortable carrying him the distance to the bedroom. He walked carefully, because the kisses and the shifting of Heero's hips were distracting.

"Nnn... I'm-... I'm slipping," Heero mumbled against his lips.

Duo thought he had been holding him securely, but to put him at ease he adjusted his grip on him. "Don't worry, baby, I got you."

"No... Ahh..." Heero's fingers twisted into Duo's hair. He pressed their foreheads together. His eyes were squeezed shut. "I'm slipping," he repeated; he realized he wasn't making any sense. "I mean..." His groan was a mixture of frustration and pleasure. "Duo, I'm slipping," he whined.

Physical need and the effects of the alcohol impeded Heero's ability to express himself - and it similarly encumbered Duo's interpretive skills - but after hearing Heero repeat the out-of-place phrase a few times, it dawned on him what his lover was trying to say: the scale was careening to one side, and he was slipping away from the masculine end that he had comfortably occupied for the past few weeks. "I understand, baby. It's okay."

Heero kissed him again but he couldn't focus. "I'm slipping..." There was something so desperate and scared in his tone of voice.

Thankfully, Duo reached his bedroom; he lowered Heero onto the edge of the bed and kneeled on the floor in front of him. He brushed the hair out of Heero's face and cupped his jaw with both hands to make his partner look at him so he could study his expression. Heero looked the same as he had for weeks - scratchy stubble, unkempt eyebrows, no make-up, hairy legs and unshaved armpits - yet different at the same time. His eyes were softer, lacking that cocky defiance that Duo had gotten used to staring back at him. His body seemed to shrink before him as he no longer kept his shoulders straightened, and he kept his knees together and his elbows tightly at his sides. His hands restlessly toyed with the three bracelets.

He's definitely 'slipping', Duo agreed. He didn't know what he had done to trigger it, or if it even had anything to do with him at all, but it didn't faze him, even though he had never seen it happen like that; he had never been witness to the actual switch because it normally wasn't as jarring as this. He just wanted to make sure Heero was alright - he knew his lover had been dreading this moment.

Duo gently grabbed his hands to stop his fidgeting and he kissed his knuckles. "What do you want, baby? What do you need?"

"... I don't want you to stop."

Duo nodded. He rose up from the floor and took a seat next to him. They kissed again and he surmised Heero needed the distraction and the normalcy. He took it slow, giving Heero time to get his bearing and figure out where he'd land on the spectrum. He eased Heero down on his back and crawled half on top of him. He ground his erection against Heero's hips, not only to give himself some much-needed friction, but also to let Heero know that, regardless of the change he was going through, Duo still wanted him. He would always want him. He sighed when Heero grabbed at the front of his sweatpants and curled his hand around the long, thick shape.

After a while he moved them further up the bed and entangled their legs, offering Heero his thigh to rub himself again, to give him some relief. Heero gratefully rutted against him and moaned into the kiss.

"How do you feel, baby?" Duo inquired tentatively.

"Mmm, so good."

Duo smiled. He touched the three bracelets to clarify and asked again: "How do you feel?"

"... I feel rose gold," Heero said after a moment of contemplation.

Duo nodded and recaptured his lips. They hadn't definitively decided on the meaning of the bracelets yet, and Heero always wore all three of them. But as the conversation came up once or twice, Duo suggested he use the colors of the metals to roughly communicate where he was on the scale, to help Duo play into the kind of headspace he was in. All Heero would have to do was say the word, if he felt it would make him more comfortable and confident. "Silver" meant mostly male, "gold" was somewhere in the middle and "rose gold" was mostly female. It wasn't a very specific system and still left a lot unsure about where Heero was on the spectrum, but Heero couldn't always pinpoint his location for himself anyway, so there were few certainties to be offered. There was still a lot of room for variation in the three, very global categories, but the indication was a good place to start, and it was less awkward and less forced than having Heero try to give a ballpark percentage off the cuff.

"Oh God. I'm so stubbly and gross. I'm sorry." Heero's face twisted into a grimace.

"Nono, I won't have any of that," Duo shushed him. "I love it. I love you. You're my stubbly girl," he said with a smile.

Heero chuckled in relief at Duo's joke, which made him feel less self-conscious. They kissed again and Heero yelped when Duo tweaked his nipples. He teased the nubs, rolling them between his fingers. They were so hard. When he was done toying with them he slowly moved his hand south, gauging Heero's reactions as he went. He was still bucking his hips when the hand reached the waistband of his shorts, and Duo hooked one finger into it and let the elastic snap against his skin. His only response was a moan. He trusted Heero would have found a way to subtly communicate to him that his penis was off-limits if that was the case. He flattened his hand on the belly and slipped it into the shorts. Rather than wrapped his hand around the erection he encountered, he rubbed his palm up and down the underside as it curved up to Heero's belly button, and teased the crown and the slit with two fingers, mimicking the more delicate touch with which he used to search for and stimulate a lover's clit.

He rid them of their pants, to make it easier on both of them. Heero's fist was tight and purposeful as he pumped it up and down Duo's length, and eventually Duo braved to return the favor and he delighted in the fact that Heero thrust up into the tunnel he created with his hand. Maybe it meant Heero was barely "rose gold" and actually quite close to the middle range of the spectrum, considering he still liked having his dick manhandled; or maybe it meant he was finally becoming more comfortable in his own skin and accepting his male anatomy as part of the sex, even when he didn't identify as male. Duo hoped for the latter, but in the moment it wasn't important.

"Do you need a minute to get ready, or do you think it'll be okay?" Usually Heero preferred some time in the bathroom to properly clean himself and get himself ready, but they did skip that step from time to time, whenever they were both too impatient. Ultimately, the choice was always Heero's; they did whatever he was most comfortable with.

"It'll be okay."

Duo retrieved the lube from the night stand - they stopped using condoms a while ago since they were in an exclusive relationship. Heero applied the lube and quickly prepped himself.

"How do you want to do this?" The American asked.

"Sit up. I want to ride you cowgirl style."

Understandably, Duo made no objections. He sat up against the headboard and helped Heero seat himself on his lap, with his back towards him. Even though Duo couldn't see his face as well as he liked, he loved this position. Heero pleasuring himself on his dick wasn't only incredibly arousing, but also eliminated any need for concern on Duo's behalf, because Heero did whatever felt good to him and he wouldn't push himself too fast or hurt himself otherwise. It was also a comfortable position to let his hands roam over his body, especially when Heero was "rose gold" - the sex was always best when his penis wasn't in Duo's line of sight, and he was less shy and reluctant about letting Duo touch it. He latched his mouth onto Heero's neck, with every intention of leaving a deeply colored hickey and, when Heero begged him to "touch him", he happily obliged and pumped and twisted his fist up and down his manhood.

Heero's orgasm caught them both off guard. He tossed his head back on Duo's shoulder and let out a strangled cry. Duo milked him and moaned sweet nothings in his ear. "It's okay, pretty baby. I love it when you come. I'm proud that I can make you feel so good." His lover's body went boneless and he lost the strength in his legs to keep moving himself up and down. To follow him to post-orgasmic bliss, Duo grabbed a thigh with one hand to keep him still and stretched his other arm out over the headboard to give himself leverage so he could thrust up into him. Heero had been impossibly tight in the throes of his climax, but afterwards he was relaxed and his body was so welcoming. It didn't take long for Duo to reach his own peak. Heero moaned, feeling his partner release inside of him.

Once they both caught their breath, Duo helped his weakened lover up from his lap and laid him on his side next to him. Then, he made the effort to go to the bathroom to get them a wet washcloth to clean themselves off with, rather than using the tissues at his bedside.

He stood at the sink, washing himself first before wetting a washcloth under the faucet, when Heero appeared in the doorway on unsteady legs. He leaned his weight against the doorpost and smiled sheepishly.

"Hey, baby," Duo said. "Wanna shower instead?" Usually both Duo and Heero preferred to cuddle and fall asleep after sex, after only a hasty clean-up, even though the sex had gotten messier since they stopped using condoms - which was well worth the trouble, they both agreed. But maybe Heero wanted to be thorough because he didn't properly prepare himself beforehand.

"I want to shave," he stated and scratched at the dark shadow of hairs along his jawline.

"Can I do it?" Duo asked thoughtlessly. He considered backtracking when he noticed the flicker of discomfort in his lover's eyes, but then Heero agreed. Duo motioned for him to get closer and then he hooked his hands under his armpits and hoisted him up onto the edge of the sink.

Heero was silent and watched as Duo retrieve the shaving cream and his razor from the cabinet to his left. He squirted the cream onto his fingers and then rubbed it onto Heero's chin, upper lip and jawline, where it became foamy and white. He dabbed a dollop of it onto the tip of his nose and smiled warmly when that made Heero chuckle. Then he flicked it off with his thumb and got to work.

With a curled finger under Heero's chin, Duo directed his head into whatever angle that made it easiest, and dragged the razor along his skin. He regularly washed off the shaving cream that gathered on the head of the razor and the tiny hairs that got caught between the blades. Duo hadn't expected it, but there was something very intimate about the moment. He knew it required a lot of trust on Heero's behalf to let him do it, to let him get so up close and personal with the manly traits of his body, outside of the immediate need for sexual gratification. Somehow, shaving him was more personal and private than jerking him off.

When he was done, Duo used the washcloth he prepared earlier to clean away any excess shaving cream, and then he rained kisses on the newly smooth skin. Heero didn't have much or dense facial hair growth - probably something to do with his Asian heritage - and after a close shave his face was soft and hairless for a couple of days.

Heero twisted his neck to look at his own reflection over his shoulder, appreciating the new, clean-shaven look that he was used to from before. He turned back to face his partner. "Does it look good?"

"Always."

Heero let him shave his armpits as well, with his body razor from the shower, and after Duo had given him a gratuitous puppy-dog look, he even allowed him to shave around his genitals. Then they had fits of laughter as they used wax-strips on Heero's legs, and Heero convinced Duo to try one on himself. Duo didn't dare rip it off, so he gave his lover the honors and was practically howling when the strip came off, taking his dark leg hairs with it. Heero's reaction to getting waxed wasn't nearly as extreme - only a wince at the more sensitive spots; he was used to it and his leg hairs weren't as thick as Duo's.

Afterwards, once the laughter had died down and Duo's shin stopped throbbing, they showered together and Duo couldn't keep his hands off the smooth body. He took much longer than necessary to soap Heero up, and his hand followed the flow of water when he rinsed him off. Then it was his turn and he sighed pleasantly all the while as Heero massaged shampoo into his long hair.

There was some regret that he had let Heero wash his hair when it was time to dry it. It was late and they were both tired and longed for bed, but he had to go through the process of toweling and then blow-drying his hair. However, he was grateful that Heero kept him company throughout, perched on the edge of the bathtub, snacking on a slice of the cake that Nicole had baked for "girl's night". They chatted about the evening, having to raise their voices to be heard over the blow dryer.

When Duo was finally done and his hair felt dry, he put everything away and pulled his hair over his shoulder so he could braid the long mane. "I'm glad you have such good friends," he said.

Heero popped the last of the cake into his mouth and wiped the crumbs off his hand. "Me too."

Duo noticed the guilt in his eyes. Heero still wasn't over the fact that their relationship had put such a strain on Duo's friendship with Hilde that it imploded. He didn't let him go along with that train of thought and wondered: "Do you think the change had something to do with tonight? With being with the girls?" He held the end of his braid and rummaged through a drawer looking for an elastic.

"I don't think so."

"Did it have something to do with me? Was it something I did?" He sighed in relief when he found a spare hairband and quickly tied the end of his braid.

"Maybe. I don't know exactly." Heero looked hopeless and lost, and so small wearing yet another one of Duo's large shirts. "I've been so worried about it happening for the past month that I felt... like maybe I was clamping onto my masculinity, still subconsciously trying to hold myself in place on the scale. The past few weeks have been so easy. It frees up a lot of headspace, not needing to think every morning about who I am and how I should express that, and to what extent I'm allowed to express that. When it's like that, I always start thinking the worst of what it's like to be slipping again and I really dread it, even though I'm used to it now and I know I can handle it and it's also kinda-... I don't know... I feel more like myself when I'm a little all over the place, you know? Sure, it's not easy, but it's also not... locked in. In a way I feel free."

Duo nodded as he listened attentively.

"But when I've been in one place for a while, I get used to it and it's like I forget about everything but the bad things about this gender-spectrum and I get scared. I get scared of... falling off the scale altogether, falling into nothingness. And I get scared of dragging you down with me."

"Baby..." Duo lowered himself onto his knees in front of him.

Heero shook his head, to stop him before he would further interrupt him with words of comfort. "I got scared when I was with Logan too. It broke us. I broke us. I didn't want to break us," he gestured between the two of them. "But you were so sweet this morning. You were there for me and you wouldn't budge, not even when I was at my most mental."

Duo allowed himself a chuckle as he recognized it to be a joke.

"And then tonight... With the girls. With you. You made me feel so safe, and loved, and perfect. You made me feel small, but in a good way - so small that I could fit in your arms and you could hold me and protect me. I think I slipped because I realized I shouldn't hold onto the scale, I should hold onto you. Because I know now that you're not going anywhere. You're so strong and so level that, somehow, you keep me grounded, even when everything gets turned upside down; and I don't have to be scared of slipping when I'm with you, because you'll never let me fall off the edge." Heero let out a choked sob and tears started streaming down his face, but they weren't tears of sadness.

Duo smiled up at him and placed a kiss on his bare knee.

"Your life would be so much easier if I'd just let you go and be with a real girl, like Hilde. But I don't want to let go, even though that's just me being selfish again."

"I don't want you to let go either. I don't love easy; I love you. You are my real girl." Duo reached up and tried to clean Heero face from tears, but more just kept falling.

"...I don't want to say it now," he mewled pathetically, "because I'm being crazy and I don't want this to be the moment that I say it. You deserve to hear it, but you deserve to hear it the right way."

Duo nodded; even though he was dying to hear him say the words, he knew Heero loved him even when he wouldn't say it. It was apparent in the way he vainly and wrongfully tried to protect Duo from himself for the past few months, by swallowing those three words every time. "You can say it whenever you want. It'll be perfect no matter what."

"Oh, fuck you for always saying the right thing," Heero groaned and they laughed together. "God, I'm hysterical," he said and he wiped at his eyes, cheeks and nose.

"You're just tired. Come on." Duo stood up and put one arm around Heero's shoulders and hooked the other under the bend of his knees, and he lifted him off the edge of the tub and carried him to his bedroom. Heero hadn't slept in his own bed since before Nicole's wedding - mid-December of last year - and Duo couldn't be happier. Heero's bedroom had basically become one giant, cluttered walk-in closet, with clothes everywhere. Duo already decided on what his next birthday present for his partner would be: to build him a proper closet and surprise him with it.

Duo tucked them both into bed and switched off the light. He cuddled up next to Heero, but rather than talk, or sleep, they kissed - sometimes innocent pecks on the lips, other times heated make-out sessions and everything in between. When Heero started to return his kisses lazily, Duo knew he was about ready to drift off, and he disconnected their mouths and guided Heero's head to rest on his chest. Heero's left hand lay on his chest as well, and Duo traced the oval shape of the three bangles. He whispered to him: "You're everything to me, I'd do anything for you, and nothing can stand between us."

Duo regretted nothing, in spite of the hardships. He saw the world in vivid, ever-changing colors now, thanks to Heero.

Heero shifted, nuzzling his nose under Duo's chin, and soft lips pressed a kiss to the side of his Adam's apple. "Duo?"

"Hm?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"... I love you."

END

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