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"Brothers"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: AU, Get together fic, sap, angst, fluff,
citrus Pairings: 2x1 Summary: After the death of his mother, Duo is forced to live with his estranged father. The new family seems perfect at first, but the truth is entirely different and will be revealed as Duo starts to get feelings for his "brother".
"Brothers " Chapter Fifteen I had to focus on my schoolwork. The deal was that I could share Heero's room with him as long as my grades were good enough. I couldn't risk my grades dropping and being forced to leave Heero alone again, not when I knew Cameron was lurking to do some serious harm; to break Heero all over again and break the semblance of trust that had built between us. I was managing reasonably well, it didn't hurt that my brother could help me with my homework if necessary and he even tutored me when I threatened to fail an upcoming test. Especially where Physics was concerned, I was having trouble, luckily I could fall back on his expertise in particular in that class, since we were always paired up together for assignments. The source of my concentration-issues were the constant whispering and degrading remarks of typical high school bullies. I faired reasonably well ignoring them when Heero and I walked side-by-side through the hallways, but when sharing a class with them it was a challenge not to lunge at them. Heero paid their hurtful words no attention, or so it seemed, and with a heavy heart I realized the verbal abuse he was subjected to at school paled in comparison to everything he had already been through. But their harsh words stabbed at me. They called him a whore and a slut and those words hit a sensitive target within me. Obviously all these guys knew were the rumors that Heero had fucked a teacher to improve his grade, last year, they didn't know of everything else going on, but I did and I knew Heero didn't deserve to be called such things. The other problem was; no matter how frustrated and angry I was, I couldn't act on it, I couldn't release it on them and make them suffer the slightest smidgen of pain, because if Cameron would find out I had gotten into a brawl with classmates, he would have the perfect excuse to segregate Heero and I. So I sat in class with my fists clenched and trembling in my lap while the teacher lectured. The only way to protect Heero from all of it was to get him out of that goddamn place, and over and over I solemnly vowed to make this happen, even though I still had no idea how to accomplish this. Without any real evidence Cameron - and his slew of buddies in all the right places - could brush off any allegation as twisted fiction concocted by two arguably unstable teenagers. And a few weeks later, if he would even hold out that long, he will report that I 'ran away' and with me disposed of he could go back to re-indoctrinating Heero. After the bell rang Heero and I walked down to the bike stands behind the school building in total silence, our shoulders bumping together on occasion. Walking through the long, empty hallway to the exit I noticed a group of guys trailing us, quietly laughing amongst themselves. When I shot them a look over my shoulder they burst out in a hideous cackle. "You two are really cozy together lately!" One of them observed. It was exactly the kind of provocation I didn't need and wouldn't be able to stand much of. Not wanting to be left alone with them at the bike stands while Heero undid the lock on his bike, I told him: "I gotta take a piss first." My brother knew I insisted on not letting him go home without me, so rather than wasting breath arguing with me he wordlessly followed me as I took a left turn into a connected hallway which would lead back to the lunchroom and the restrooms. Rounding the corner I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and made an effort to remain calm as I prayed the bullies would just go out to their bikes and leave us in peace. With a cringe I took note that they followed us. Their pace was unhurried but I knew they were waiting for a chance to corner us and with an appropriate sense of dread I realized the restrooms were the perfect place for them to crowd us with no escape. The cafeteria was a dead-end in and of itself and would definitely be abandoned at this hour, but I remembered that we could take the stairs up to the teacher's lounge, with a lockable door, and the teacher's lounge had a back entry connecting it to the parking lot and sport's field. If we went that way we could get a head start on them and they would have to circle back and go through the locker rooms and gym, they would never be able to catch up with us. It was the only way to avoid a situation that Cameron could use against me, so while the boys were still dragging their feet behind us, I grabbed Heero's hand without warning and sprinted away, pulling him along with me. We raced through the open space of the cafeteria and I could hear the squeaks of the sneakers of our chasers on the linoleum floor. I didn't let go of Heero's hand, not even when he told me to between pants. I climbed the staircase two steps at a time, dragging him along with me. "Don't the Maxwell-brothers want to play?" One of the guys called after us. "Where are you taking me?" Heero demanded. I didn't answer him. "Please don't be locked. Please don't be locked. Please don't be locked," I kept repeating as we approached the door marked 'TEACHER'S LOUNGE. NO ENTRY'. I grabbed the doorknob, twisted it and felt incredible relief when the door swung open. I pushed Heero inside and followed him in. I closed and locked the door just in time. The boys cursed, tried the doorknob in vain and banged against the door. "Fucking pussies!" They shouted. I turned around and stopped dead in my tracks at the sight of an unknown, mousey teacher dressed in plaid, seated on the ratty old couch, staring at us in shock. "What- What's going on?" "Nothing, ma'am. Sorry for the intrusion. We'll be out of your way," I said with a grin and reached for Heero's hand again. When he refused to let me grab him by the wrist I urged him along with my hand on his back. We headed out the back, ending up in a nearly deserted parking lot and I decided on the long way home so we wouldn't risk running into those assholes again. "But my bike..." Heero meekly objected as he realized we were going in the wrong direction. "Fuck, Heero. They'll be waiting for us there. You can get your bike back tomorrow." I took a deep breath and wiped the sweat off my brow. "We shouldn't have run away," He concluded. "This won't help. If they don't get us today they'll get us tomorrow, or any other day." "Maybe, but that doesn't mean I'm going to make it easy on them." Heero challenged: "So your brilliant plan is to just keep running away from them?" I shrugged. "And what about getting away from Cameron?" Heero went on with taunting voice. "Any progress on that front?" I looked back at him over my shoulder and glared at him. "Do you really still think you should just ride it out? Wait for graduation? Do you honestly believe he'll leave you be when you go off to college?" "I'll be too old. At least now he can still market me as a high-school-boy, but a lot of them have already been complaining that I'm too big." I felt my stomach invert. "They don't like that my shoulders are getting broad. They don't like my voice, now that it's deep. They don't like that my penis is bigger now. They don't like my armpit hair or my pubic hair. They don't like the hair on my legs. And shaving doesn't fool them either." My face contorted. "Please stop..." "I'm just saying... I'll be too old. Nobody will want to fuck me anymore and then I'll be fine." I couldn't help but snort at his naiveté. "What about old men who are into frat-boys? Cameron can just as easily find new 'customers' with different preferences to hand you out to as a party-favor." "I'm too old," Heero simply repeated, possibly in denial - necessary denial. As we walked side by side, both with our hands tucked into our pockets, I wondered with a grimace: "When did Cameron last...?" I couldn't get myself to say the words, but I knew I had to ask these things. I had to know and I had to understand and I needed Heero to tell me the stories, in the hopes that it would confront him with the awful truth, make him see that he needed to get away. As often as I could stomach it, I had to make these inquiries. I liked to believe it was helping. Heero did open up to me more and more and I could see the hidden signs of a change starting within him. "When did Cameron last fuck me?" Heero verified, for shock-value. "Yeah..." "When I was thirteen." I nodded. Cameron liked them especially young. Thirteen was already too old for him. "Did he tell you it would be the last time?" "No, but I had a feeling. It was getting increasingly infrequent, it had been a while since he last had sex with me before that, a couple of months or something." "How uh-... How often would he rape you when you were still young enough for his taste?" I used the word 'rape' purposefully to hammer it in while he kept avoiding it. I didn't like having to be harsh with him, all I wanted was to wrap my arms around him, have him rest his head on my shoulder and merely hold him, but comfort wasn't what he needed, not yet, he hadn't reached that point yet. First, I had to get him there. "Sometimes he would have sex with me," He emphasized his choice of words, "as often as every night." "Please stop saying 'sex'," I begged him through gritted teeth. "Why? That's what it is." "Did you want him to?" He shook his head, "It was rape," I concluded. "Whatever," He growled and he wrapped his arms around himself as we continued to walk along. "You told me before that you tried to run away a couple of times." "Yes. Twice. When I was much younger," He brushed it off as if trying to escape had been a silly, childish mistake. "Then you must have known that what he was doing to you was wrong," I pointed out and I studied his features, but his expression was utterly indifferent. "It doesn't matter, nobody believed me. Cameron convinced everyone that my stories were latent memories from before I was adopted and that I was merely projecting. Everyone thought I was crazy. Tabytha got really mad at me and Cameron would punish me. It was easier to just stand it, than to keep trying something that I knew would fail. Sex is easy. It was the easiest way to survive." I stopped and waited for him to halt and turn to look at me before I stated poignantly: "Surviving is not the same as living. You deserve to live. You deserve to be happy." Heero cast his gaze to the ground, his brows were furrowed with confusion. "I don't understand why you're doing this. Why are you trying to help me when it could get you killed?" I walked up to him and waited for him to look me in the eyes. "If I left you behind, I wouldn't be able to live with myself anyway." "You're risking your life for someone who isn't worth it." For the first time I could detect a vulnerability in his voice and it broke my heart. If I thought it would help him, I would have hugged him, or touched his shoulder at least in an effort to comfort him, but I didn't think he'd appreciate being touched. "You're worth it." "I've been nothing but horrible to you," He pointed out. I offered him a smile. "I disagree." His eyebrows twitched, betraying more of his confusion. I shrugged, knowing it would annoy him that I didn't elaborate. There was no point trying to explain to him that I knew he cared more about me than he let on, it was apparent in the way he had gotten comfortable with me. He accepted my company and coming from him I understood how meaningful that was and I couldn't hope for more. I motioned for us to keep going and we walked home in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts. Cameron still gleefully dangled an unknown punishment over my head. He was practically giddy at dinner and I felt like everything would soon explode. He used to hate it whenever Heero and I displayed something akin to friendship or comradery, it made him anxious and jealous, but lately it made him smirk and I knew that meant he was planning to drive a wedge between us. He was biding his time until the perfect moment when whatever he had up his sleeve would have the most devastating effect. Eventually, I was forced to give Heero a heads-up, let him know that Cameron was up to something, and that he shouldn't let it get to him. My warning only confused Heero and made him suspicious, so I told him not to worry about it and then proceeded to beat him at the racing-game we were playing. For a moment, I forgot about my own worries, watching him lean with the movements of the on-screen racing vehicle, biting his bottom lip in concentration and making disapproving sounds when he skidded or took the corners too wide. It was always a treat to see him exchange his seriousness and impassiveness for something so... youthfully innocent. I knew there was a young boy within him, locked away for his own protection, that could blossom and enjoy life when he was allowed to be free. He shot me a side-way glance mid-game and I smiled at him, unashamed at being caught staring. He smirked back at me - just the tiniest curls of the corners of his lips - and I couldn't figure out why, until I heard an explosion coming from the television and I turned my head just in time to see the replay of me driving my racecar at full-speed into a concrete barrier. "Well shit." And that was how my perfect winning-streak came to an end. When we returned to school the next day we discovered the group of guys that had been chasing out had taken their frustration out on Heero's bike; the tires were slashed and they had carved 'WHORE' into the blue metallic paint of the frame. At least this act of vandalism had satisfied them and aside from the everyday whispers and distant laughing, we were left in peace. The school week went by quickly and without a hitch and I was lulled into a false sense of security. Coming home Friday afternoon, two hours later than Heero, I noticed both cars were missing fro the driveway, which meant both Tabytha and Cameron were away for the evening and that was always a relief. For one evening I wouldn't have to worry about Cameron, or worry that I was going to leap over the dining room table and strangle Tabytha for her inexcusable inaction and preoccupation with all the things that matter least in life. I went upstairs and found the bedroom empty and the door to the bathroom shut. I knew instantly what was going on behind that closed door and it never got any easier. It never left me feeling any less queasy, or less powerless. But with determination I stormed into the bathroom. Heero had known better than to lock the door, I'd just make him open it up for me or kick it in otherwise. As feared, he sat in his usual spot on the bathroom floor, leaning back against the bathtub. He looked so small whenever I saw him like that. His pants were caught around his ankles. Covered-up by only his shirt and underwear he let blood trickle from a fresh cut in his left thigh. His reaction to my interruption - a grimace and a groan - was delayed. He had been focused on his task, enthralled by the sight of his own blood, entranced by the pain. More than anything he was irked by my presence. "Go away..." He said, although he must have been aware that he was wasting breath. I wasn't going anywhere. I took a seat on the cold, tiled floor, pulling up my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs. I studied the puddle of blood, assured only by remembering that I had seen him bleed more in the past and he had been fine. But the thing that disconcerted me was that it had been weeks since I had last witnessed him cutting himself and I knew something must have set him off to drive him to seek that release again. "What happened?" Heero scoffed. Absentmindedly he dragged his finger through the trail of blood, leaving a long, red smear across his pale thigh. He glanced up at me and scolded: "Stop looking at me." "If you insist on doing something stupid like this, you'll just have to deal with me watching over you, making sure you don't do any serious harm." He chuckled bitterly. "Right. Because that would just be wasteful." I frowned at him. I knew he was implying something, something dark, but I didn't know what. "Did Cameron say something to you?" "It doesn't matter, Duo..." "What did he say?" I demanded. Heero ignored my question and reached for the tissues. He held a bundle of them against the wound and removed it periodically to check if the cut was still bleeding. When the bleeding had stopped he wiped away the red smear on his leg and bandaged-up the cut. Gruffly he told me to leave him alone so he could change into clean clothes. Trusting that his ritual was over, I got up to my feet and allowed him privacy to get changed, but I wasn't about to stop questioning him. I knew Cameron must have done or said something to manipulate him against me. I had to figure out what damage had been done so I could quickly make it right again. I sat on the foot of the bed - I was allowed to do that nowadays - and I waited for him to finish in the bathroom. Nervously I wrung my hands together and wiped my sweaty palms on my black jeans. I jerked my head up and stared when Heero emerged from the bathroom. He stood on unsteady legs, clad in the tight jeans we had purchased for him during the weekend of the wedding, paired with the white shirt that looked so good on him.. He leaned heavily against the doorpost for a moment, struck with light-headedness. I resisted the urge to jump up and support him on his way across the room. His head lolled to the side and he laughed breathily at himself. I had never seen him act like that and it had me worried. "You like these clothes on me, right?" He wondered and he looked down his own body. "You picked them out yourself." I didn't know what to say. Dumbly, I replied: "They're nice clothes." Obviously it would have been inappropriate for me to tell him that he looked amazing; that his legs seemed even longer in those jeans and his waist even smaller in that fitted shirt. I was already ashamed that I even noticed these things. He nodded. "I knew you'd like it." "What is going on?" He paused halfway through the room. "Whatever you want." The practiced words caused my entire body to go cold and a shiver ripped through me violently. "Heero-..." He stalked towards me, his expression indifferent and unreadable, but the exaggerated sway of his hips spoke volumes. He was putting on a show for my benefit. "Cameron told me you want to have sex with me." My eyes widened. "What?!" I jumped up from the bed in utter shock. I stretched out my arms in front of me to keep Heero at a distance. "Cameron told me about the day he showed you the videos. He said that you are in love with me, and that you want to have sex with me." "Heero-" He continued: "That's why you've been trying to get me away from here, right? Because you want me all to yourself?" "No! No!" Heero stopped, only two feet removed from me, with his brows furrowed into a deep, confused frown. Before, he had seemed almost relieved to have 'discovered' the 'real' reason why I wanted to help him, it made more sense to him that I wanted to save him for my own, perverted interests, because that was all he ever known and all he was able to understand and believe without question. "Heero, please. I told you he would try to do something to drive a wedge between us. He's just trying to stir up trouble, to break the trust between us. Don't listen to him," I urged. I maneuvered around the bed to create more distance between us. "So you don't like me?" I noted the vulnerable quality in his voice and the undertone of disappointment. "Heero, of course I like you. I told you I care about you. I'm not trying to get you away from here to-... To do anything to you. I want to get you out of here so you will be free to be whoever you want to be and be with whoever you want to be. No one, least of all me, is going to force you to..." I couldn't even say it. "Cameron is trying to poison you against me, so you won't come with me, so you'll think I'm just like him. But I'm not!" I asserted and I was desperate for him to believe that, because how else could I? Meekly, he wondered: "Is it because I'm too old for you?" My heart broke. "No, Heero, please listen to me. I'm not like him!" I needed him to believe that, because how else could I? "I think you are beautiful and I care so much about you, but I don't want you the way he wanted you. And that's not because you're too old! You're perfect..." I breathed. "Jesus, if you could stand to look at yourself in the mirror and see what I see, maybe you'd understand that anyone would be lucky to have you." I stared at him, shrinking into himself, my bottom lip quivered with emotion. "I don't want you to worry about people not wanting you because you have a deep voice and armpit hair." "How could anybody ever want me, Duo?" He challenged. "Not when they know what I am." "That's not true..." "You know and you don't want me!" He shot back bitterly. "I do want you!" I was as shocked by my own admission as Heero was. I shouldn't have said that, it was wrong for me to cherish anything other than brotherly feelings for him. I didn't want to be a monster, like my father, but I couldn't deny that when I looked at Heero, I didn't look at him in the way a young man is supposed to look at his brother. I was attracted to him, although that made me feel so incredibly dirty that I could never imagine acting on these feelings. But I didn't want to tell him that either. I didn't want him to mistakenly think that he made me feel dirty because he was used or tainted. "Heero, I beg you, trust me. Once you are free from Cameron you will start to see what an amazing person you are and that people do want you, and not just for sex either! You are going to meet a girl that will fall head-over-heels in love with you and she won't love you any less when she knows what you have been through. She will support you and she will help you forget." With a snicker I added: "And she will get jealous from time to time because she'll know that everyone else also sees just how attractive you are." "A girl?" He wondered and he looked off to the side, all the more confused. I smiled gently. "What has been done to you doesn't make you gay. Nothing Cameron has put you through defines you. You can have a normal life." "Is there something wrong with me if I don't like girls?" I blinked at him. "N-No. Of course not." I was a little baffled by the turn of events. "Boys or girls, it doesn't matter. You can like whoever you want to like. That's my point. That's what I want for you." He didn't look any less confused, or any less uncomfortable. "Do you-" I paused, unsure if I should ask him this, but I only meant to understand him better so I could reassure and comfort him better. "Do you think you might like boys?" For the first time since I've known him, Heero blushed and it was endearing. But the innocent moment was disturbed when he asked: "That would be wrong, wouldn't it? Because that would mean that I liked it all along." I took a step towards him. "It doesn't. If a straight woman gets raped, no one assumes that she liked it because she enjoys sex with men, just like no one expects her to become a lesbian afterwards." "But, I did like it," He pointed out and elaborated coldly: "You saw the videos. I get an erection. I can even ejaculate." I understood his turmoil and tried to persuade him: "That is just your body reacting to stimulus. It doesn't mean that you wanted them to touch you." He nodded, although he didn't look convinced. "Do you think you might like boys only because you could get hard and orgasm with these men?" "No." He looked at me all of a sudden, after avoiding eye-contact for a long time during the conversation. "Is there a boy you like?" "Maybe." He shrugged. I didn't press on. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know if he might like me and I didn't want to know if he might like someone else. It didn't matter anyway. "You're gay, right?" His blunt question startled me. There was no point in denying it, even though hearing me say it might make him uncomfortable or distrusting, the truth was apparent in the conversation we had just had and he deserved full disclosure anyway. "Yes. I'm gay." "And you're attracted to me?" "I think you are attractive," I amended. I wasn't sure if there was a significant difference between the two, but I preferred to think that my phrasing implied that I could restrain myself from ever acting on those feelings and it was important to me for him to know that. "Does that make you feel uncomfortable?" "No." "I want you to know that I would never touch you without your permission. I would never force myself on you and I would definitely never have Cameron set something up between us." "I know. I was curious." "Curious?" "Cameron didn't tell me to have sex with you. He just said you wanted it and I was curious if it would be different with you." "You wanted it?" I blurted insensitively. "I was curious," He repeated and continued clinically: "It was interesting to find out you might really like me." "I do really like you," I admitted, "But I don't want to have sex with you." As handsome as he was, this was the truth. Not because what he had done in his past repulsed me, because it didn't, not anymore, not now that I understood. Sheepishly, I added, to lighten the atmosphere: "Besides, I'm not even sure if I am ready for sex." "You are a virgin?" I nodded. "Aren't you curious?" "I used to be. But lately, the idea of sex scares me." "Why?" I shrugged and dug my hands deep into the pockets of my jeans. I had no right to keep secrets from him, not when I knew such intimate things about him. He deserved to know my dark secrets too, even at the risk of scaring him. "I'm afraid I'll unleash something and end up like my father." "I don't think you will ever be anything like Cameron." I smiled at him, grateful for his words. "Thank you, but, that is something I have to discover for myself before I'll truly believe it." Heero nodded. "Heero, promise me that next time Cameron tells you something, don't do that-" I gestured at the bathroom, referencing his self-harm ritual, "Just talk to me." "Fine," He replied irritably, slipping back into his usual, defensive demeanor. He went back into the bathroom and changed into his regular, ill-fitting clothes and announced he had a lot of homework to do. I chuckled at the sudden change, but I welcomed it. We had opened up enough for one day and it was nice to be able to go back to that place of pretend. We did our homework alongside each other and after having pizza for dinner - although I couldn't stomach a single bite no matter how hard I tried - we played another video game. Still, that night, my thoughts started to wander and contemplate what Cameron had tried to achieve. I had a feeling this was just the start, just a pre-game to mess with us. He had subtly tried to engineer a situation in which Heero and I would end up having sex with each other, knowing that if Heero and I took that step it would break us both and make us resentful and distrusting of each other. But the plan had failed, as he could have expected. It wasn't like him to just 'clear the field' and 'see what happens', he was a man who liked to be in control. He wouldn't let this failure rest. Next time, I surmised, he would assume control and he would make sure we would end up making that mistake. He was going to force us to have sex with each other. I didn't exactly know how I came to that conclusion with such certainty, but it would be a darkly clever ploy to get Heero to resent me and for me to fear Cameron all the more, not to mention the self-doubt and self-hatred it would cause me. I sat up in bed - on that mattress on the floor that I called a bed - and my eyes searched for his shape under the sheets. All I could see in the dark were faded shapes of blue; faint, cold moonlight that hit the folds of the sheets just right. His breathing was steady and a little louder than when he was awake, though not quite snore. His breaths came out in sighs. He trusts me, I knew. Cameron was going to destroy that. "Heero?" The breathing pattern changed, but there was no reply. Then the blue shapes on the bed started to move and distort and I saw two sparkles that I knew where his eyes catching the moonlight as he sat up to gaze at me. "What is it?" "Cameron is going to make us sleep together," I blurted There was no movement. No sound. For too long of a moment, I didn't even hear him breathe. "Did you hear what I said?" "Of course, I'm not deaf." I pressed on: "Well then, do you understand what I'm saying?" "Yes, you used 'sleep together' as a euphemism for 'fuck'." I nearly laughed at the dry retort, but nothing about this situation was really amusing. Especially the fact that he didn't argue my statement and quietly agreed with my conclusion was unpleasant. I waited, even though I knew he wouldn't jump out of bed and start packing a bag so we could leave tonight. As if he read my mind, he supplied matter-of-factly: "We can't run, Duo." "We-" "I won't run," He amended and his words were firm and resolute. "It will never end if we run." He was right. Fuck, I knew he was right. We would have to live our entire lives under the radar, off the grid, living hand-to-mouth. I had promised him better than that. If we went to Ruby, we would only endanger her. Perhaps worst of all, Cameron would simply focus his attention on someone new, some other, innocent boy. There was no telling how many lives he had ruined and how many more he would continue to ruin, beyond our own, if we didn't stop him. But we couldn't stay here. We mustn't let him turn us against each other and break us beyond repair. I had to save Heero while there was still something left to save. I didn't want to partake in killing that last part of him, squashing that last remaining seed that could still grow beautifully if attended with the love and care he needed and deserved. Not to mention, I didn't know if I could handle it. To be forced to do that, to enact my worst nightmares... to become like my father. Before I could sort through my thoughts and voice my concerns or ask for his advice, he said: "We have to do it." "What?" I hissed at him. "We are never going to get into that safe to retrieve the evidence we need." Another truth that was hard to swallow. But the bitter taste made it sickening, but not any less true. "If we can't get to that evidence, then we must find new proof. Proof he can't hide and has no control over." His cool and detached tone frightened me. I wished I could see his face, see some reflections of my own fears and worries, to not feel alone in this, but all I had was his cold, steady voice. "He will force us to have sex," He said, "And we will secretly record it. We can hide a camera in the room. That will be enough to warrant a search of the house and then the other videos will be found. He can't talk his way out of something like that." "But... we would have to..." "It's just sex, Duo." "It's not!" I exclaimed. I jumped up and walked blindly across the room to flick on the lights. Heero was sitting in the center of his bed, staring at me. His face was unreadable. "Heero..." I approached the bed and sat down on the edge. My brother-in-law pulled his knees up to his chest and held the sheet tightly in his fists, but his eyes remained steadfast. "How can you say that we can just have sex when you never even like it when I touch you in any way?" I questioned, trying to make him understand the seriousness of what he was proposing. "When I want to hug you, or put my hand on your shoulder?" "That is different. Sex is easy. I know how to have sex." "But... I don't..." I looked at him vulnerably. "It will feel good. There is no pain involved for the dominant partner." I flinched at his words. "That's not what I meant..." I felt silly for saying this to a boy who has been forced to endure so much, but I couldn't help myself: "It will be my first time. I always wanted that to be a special thing." He nodded. His gaze hardened but he seemed to shrink into himself further. "It wouldn't be special with someone like me." "No, I didn't mean it like that!" I reached out but stopped myself before my hand could touch his knee. "It wouldn't be special with Cameron there... watching and directing." I shuddered at the thought. "We can't run," He reiterated. "No. We can't." "If you really believe he won't leave me alone, even when I go to college, this is the only way." His eyes challenged me. "I want to save you," I said meekly, plucking at a fold in the sheets. "I don't know if you will be saved this way..." "I can handle one more. The question is: can you handle this one?" My heart thundered. I would sacrifice anything to save him. If what he said was true, that he could handle it, that he could survive one more time, than I had to trust him and I had to take that risk. I had to get him out of here because the only reason for his suffering was the fact that my mom took me away all those years ago. Maybe I wouldn't be able to live with myself afterwards, but this wasn't about me. As hard as my life on the run had been with my mother, I had known joy and contentment and security. Heero had never experienced that, it was his turn to get to know happiness, with or without me. I nodded in agreement. Amazed and shocked by my own response. "Promise me you'll tell me if you change your mind? You are in control. It's your decision." He clenched his jaw and quietly regarded me for an uncomfortable stretch of time, until finally he nodded. "And I promise you, I won't hurt you. I'll be careful." "You'll be as careful as he allows you to be." I swallowed. I shook my head, already starting to regret this entire plan. "I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you." "You will try not to," Heero said calmly. "And that is why I'd rather do it one more time with you than with Cameron or his friends." Our gazes locked. My stomach inverted. I felt like throwing up, but I hadn't been able to eat anything all day anyway. "It's just sex, Duo," He repeated, attempting a reassuring tone, as he must have noticed my face turning a pale shade of green. No, it wasn't. I was going to rape my brother...
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