"Third Time's the Charm (Sort of)"

Written By: Waterlilylf

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. All rights remain with Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. No profit being made here.

Rating: R

Warnings: Romance, humor

Pairings: 1x2

Summary: Duo discovers that meeting people - one person in particular - is so much easier in his head than in real life. Especially as that one other person seems determined not to notice him, whatever he does...

"Third Time's the Charm (Sort of)"

 

Chapter 5 - Fifth (and First) Time to Say I Love You:

I call my taxi service, and a perky female voice blithely informs me that, yes, of course she can send out a car. It will only take two hours. At the most generous estimate.

As if to reinforce just how much the universe is currently hating me (and right now, I really don't blame it), it starts to rain, slow lazy drops plopping on my beautiful shirt and immediately discolouring the silk. Damn. And then a car pulls up beside me. Oh, shizzle. Just what I need; some kerb-crawling jerk who thinks I'm a hooker looking for business, albeit a very expensively-dressed one.

Except it's a car that I happen to I know; not just some random kerb-crawling jerk.

'Duo. Wait! I'll take you home.'

'Fuck off.' I still have my 'phone out, looking for another taxi company's number, and I don't even bother looking at him.

'Don't be such an idiot. It's raining - do you want to get soaked? Now, get in the car.'

Charming. So, I'm an idiot who exists only to be bossed around and told what to do, I think sullenly. Too feeble to get rid of some hassly guy in a club, and someone he can't trust to leave alone for two seconds in case I start looking elsewhere.

Someone who doesn't have enough sense not to stand out in a rainstorm.

Well, he can go fuck himself. Except - it's starting to rain a little more heavily and my feet are already starting to feel soggy. I didn't choose my divine Italian shoes for their waterproof properties. Yes, principles are wonderful things, but I'm wearing hand-stitched suede jeans. They'll be ruined in two seconds. I don't actually mind getting wet (I quite like walking in the rain) but I don't want to wreck my clothes.

'Fine,' I snap, 'but I don't want to talk to you. Got that?'

He nods, obviously not daring to speak. Good.

'You have no fucking idea how pissed I am with you,' I mutter, closing the car door, and glaring out the window. The ride home is truly horrendous. I have no real idea how we got from hand-feeding each other morsels of lobster and scallop to this. I have no idea how to get back there. There's a loop in my head that keeps replaying Heero's comment that he was sorry he'd interrupted anything with that guy in the club, and it's pretty much over-riding anything else. How can he possibly think so little of me?

He gets out of the car after he parks, and shadows me as I walk to my building. I want to snap at him that I'm quite capable of finding my own front door, thank you very much, but - I just can't be bothered. I don't want any more arguing. I can't even be bothered to object when he gets into the lift with me.

I'm half-planning to slam the door in his face as soon as I get inside, but of course Smokey comes barrelling straight out, determined to love us both half to death. 'Smokey, sit!' I rap out, and he instantly drops at my feet. He and Heero both give me identical looks of pure misery, as if I'd just stamped on their favourite toys. I feel like Cruella de Ville's more evil twin brother.

'Oh, for God's sake!' I lean against the door, and bend down to pull Smokey's ears. 'Go on, then. Say hello to him.'

Heero crouches down to hug the dog against him, and then looks up at me. 'Duo, please. Just - tell me I haven't ruined this. Us.'

'No!' I manage to choke it out, half on a sob, and then we're suddenly kneeling on the floor, wrapped around each other, gasping apologies.

'I've never been in love with anyone before,' he says into my hair. 'I've never felt like this about another person, I didn't think it would ever happen.'

He's sort of implied this before, but it's the first time he's ever really come out and said it.

From the things he's told me, he had a pretty awful childhood. His parents died in a 'plane crash when he was just a tiny baby, and his dad's best friend had been designated as his legal guardian. Odin sounded like a decent enough guy, but he was a career diplomat, and Heero spent the first seven years of his life being dragged around the world like an extra piece of luggage, dumped on to whatever nanny or nursemaid was available, until the next posting came up. Then he died; Heero got passed around a few distant relations for three or four years, none of whom remotely wanted the responsibility of a young child, and he eventually ended up with a great-uncle on his mother's side, who packed him off to the first boarding school he could find which would take a ten-year-old boy.

There'd never been anyone who'd really cared for him, who'd bonded with him.

Even someone who hasn't spent a fortune on therapy can work out that it's not easy for him to connect easily with people, to get attached.

He has a few incredibly close friends, all of whom he's known since he was at school, and he's mentioned dating a few other people, but I get the impression that none of them were really all that serious for him.

And now there's me.

There are a few minutes when we just cling on, gasping each other's names and pretty incoherent apologies. Smokey gets bored pretty soon, and starts scratching my leg with one paw. 'Oh. Fizz it. I should take him out for a minute. He's been here for a few hours by himself.'

'I'll do it,' Heero says at once, snagging one of my jackets off the coat rack. 'Go and put on something dry. I won't be long.'

I start to object, or at least offer to go with him, and then think that maybe he wants a bit of space. Maybe it's something we both need. I take off my clothes, and pull on a t-shirt and cotton pyjama bottoms, both soft and worn and washed out. I can't even be bothered to hang my lovely clothes up, and leave them in a heap on the floor. After that, I just lie down, trying to sort out what I'm feeling.

It's not like we haven't had a row before.

We've had silly little couple-y squabbles, almost for the fun of it, over whose turn is to unload the dishwasher, or what toppings to get on a take-way pizza, and we've always ended up in bed, with dishwashers un-emptied and food unordered.

One semi-serious argument, about a month after we'd met, for a similar sort of reason as tonight, but it hadn't escalated anything like this one. Maybe we'd both just been too new at that point, too scared of what might happen if we really had a proper fight, so we'd both backed down and apologised, pretty much as soon as it had happened.

I'm an idiot.

I rewind everything that happened in the club, right from when Heero left me at the bar. He'd been trying to help, I can see that now. He'd seen some guy talking to me, he'd clearly got from my body language that I wasn't overly keen, and he'd just - been his overprotective Heero self. Any other time, I might have found it charmingly chivalrous, because I do kind of like the over-protective thing sometimes, or laughed it off, or maybe told him later that I was well able to look after myself.

Instead, after what Hilde had said, after thinking about Solo earlier, I'd totally over-reacted. Obviously.

The front door closes, loud in the after-midnight silence, and I can hear him talking to Smokey, and my dog giving a couple of answering barks. Heero doesn't come in to my room for another ten minutes. Actually, he finally opens the bedroom door just as I'm thinking I'll get up and find him. He sits on the edge of the bed, clearly uncertain. 'It's really pouring out. I dried him off a bit; he's settled down in his basket now.'

'Thanks.' He's clearly towelled off his own hair as well; it's even more dishevelled than usual. I stretch one hand across to him, and something that's knotted and tense and cramping inside me loosens, just a little, when he takes it.

He did this the first time we met, in that cafe. Picked up my hand and held it like it was something marvellous, miraculous, and twined our fingers, linking us together. 'Duo. Did you really think I was going to hit you?'

I know, bone-deep, as much as I've known anything in my life, that this is the question that will decide our whole relationship, probably the most important thing anyone will ever ask me.

'No! I swear, absolutely not. I was just pissed at you, I should never have said that. I swear, I'd never even have looked at you if I thought you'd ever hurt me. I know it was an awful thing to say, but I was really pissed. I know you wouldn't. Heero, please, please believe me.'

I whisper his name once more, just a breath, and squeeze my fingers around his, and suddenly he's properly in bed with me, and we're wrapped around each other again.

Oh, thank every deity in the entire universe.

We just lie like that for a while, not speaking, occasionally making tiny incremental shifts to get even closer together, and at some point, he slides off his shoes and trousers.

'I'm so sorry, Heero,' I say at last, when the comfortable companionable part has sort of leeched out of the silence, and it just becomes a void to be filled, waiting for explanations and apologies. It would be so very tempting just to close my eyes, and let him hold me, and pretend none of this ever happened. Except - it could all too easily happen again. It could be worse.

This time, Heero came after me. Next time, he might not. I can all too easily see him retreating into his shell, convincing himself that it wasn't meant to be, that he's better off alone. He might have done it this time if he'd let himself think it through, if it hadn't started to rain, if he hadn't wanted to leave me standing out in the rain by myself.

And I don't know if he really cares enough about me to think I'm worth the risk of getting hurt. I know enough about him at this point to know how he compartmentalizes things. I can imagine him locking our time together into a box, never to be thought of, except as a warning never to get so close to another person.

If he really, truly made up his mind that we were finished, I don't know if there's anything I could do about it.

'I'm sorry for all of it. I - way over-reacted, and it wasn't even your fault, most of it. Do you think, can we talk a little bit about what happened?'

'It's over,' he mutters into my hair, just the way I knew he would.

'Please, cookie?' I coax, snuggling against him. He gives a little huff at the nickname (I know he likes it really) and his arms tighten around me.

'I've never really seen you lose your temper before,' he says softly. 'I didn't think you even knew how to swear.'

'You wouldn't do it much either,' I huff at him, 'if you'd had a nun wash your mouth out for you when you were seven.'

'Sister Helen?' he asks, because he remembers every single little thing that I've ever told him.

'Yeah. Poor lady. I had some mouth on me back then.'

'Duo, no offence but you still do.' His lips quirk slightly at me, a faint tease, and I smile back, letting myself relax properly for the first time since this all began. 'I was only trying to help,' he says finally, when I've almost given up on getting him to talk, when I'm starting to think that maybe he's right, maybe it's over, and there's no point going over any of it. 'It's not that I think you can't take care of yourself.'

'I know. And I do kind of like it, sometimes. You going all masterful and over-protective. Just - it wasn't the best time.' I keep my voice as low as his, just little breaths of sound. 'It's just...you know I met Hilde this morning, right? She kind of mentioned Solo, and well, he was pretty possessive and shit when we were together, and he hated me going anywhere near other guys when I was out with him and...'

'You think I'm like him?' He looks utterly stricken; I think he'd probably make a run for it except he has me twined around him, and he can't really go anywhere without peeling me off (which is totally not going to happen.)

'No! God, Heero, no! You're nothing like him, honest. But what she said, it made me think about some stuff, and it's a little bit scary, you know? Not you, but the idea of being with someone. You're kind of the first person I've properly been with since him.'

'It is scary,' he agrees.

'Yeah.' It must be doubly so, for him. I'm the first person he's really had a proper relationship with, I know that, and I'm definitely not the easiest person to be with.

'I love you,' he says suddenly, quite brisk and matter of fact, as if he's commenting on the stock market. 'You know that, don't you?'

'Absolutely.'

'Well, good. And you know I didn't mean the thing I said - in the club.'

I shrug, just a little. It had damn well hurt, him saying that. The implication behind it. 'He was asking about my books, at the start. I was being nice. That's all. I didn't ask him to fucking hit on me. I was in the process of telling him to get lost when you barged in.'

'I'm sorry,' Heero breathes. 'I do - I try not to mind so much. But you were laughing with him, and I just...'

'Yeah,' I say softly, and put myself in his place for a second. He'd left me, just for a couple of minutes, and when he'd looked back, I'd been laughing and talking with another guy. I wouldn't have reacted well either, if our positions had been reversed. 'Heero. It didn't mean anything, we were talking about my books and I was just being nice to a fan. It's what I do. It's like - I dunno. My default setting. To be nice to people.'

It's not just a default setting; it's been my survival strategy since I was a little kid.

Smile winningly at the nice people as they do their shopping, and they might feel sorry for you, might throw a few coins to the street kid begging at the corner, or might not notice as you pick their pocket, or slide something out of a basket.

Look desirable enough, seductive enough and some guy in a club might be tempted enough to hand over the money for a blow-job, or a quick fuck in a bathroom or back alley.

Smile as you're looked over by fashion editors and designers and photographers. Smile as they step that little bit too close, close enough to murmur something in your ear, as they touch your arm or your ass, a gesture that starts out as accidental but somehow turns into a caress when you don't object. Keep smiling as they close the office door, or lead you somewhere private, because it's what everyone does, it's the only way to get hired, the only way to stand out from all the other pretty boys who want to get hired.

That was what Solo had always said.

I tell Heero some of that, haltingly. He knows most of it already, really, since I told him nearly everything about myself soon after we first met. Like he did back then, he just holds me, and drops occasional kisses on my face, on my throat, as I open my soul for him.

'It's not that I don't trust you, honestly,' he whispers. 'I do. It's just that I don't really see why you'd want to be with me, when you could have anyone in the universe. You're so..'

'Oh, hush. Heero, love, I'm with you because I want to be.' I pause, looking into his eyes. 'I love you.'

It's not the first time I've said it. Not exactly. Twice during sex, but that doesn't really count. Once when he was asleep. (I'm pretty sure he was anyway.) And once was a sort of jokey thing when he turned up here one night with pizza and ice-cream because I'd mentioned earlier that day that I was blocked on a chapter I was trying to finish. I'd just flung my arms around him, and said the L word, and quite a bit later we'd eaten cold pizza and melted ice-cream in bed.

But it is the first time I've said out loud, seriously, and I get very thoroughly kissed in return.

'I love you,' I say again, just to get another kiss. 'Heero, seriously. I utterly adore you. And I swear, I've never cheated on anyone in my life.' Technically, I'm not really sure if that's true. I'd been with other people when I was with Solo. (But he was the one who'd essentially pimped me out, and sometimes he'd been there too, so I don't think that counts as cheating.)

'I just need you to trust me a little bit, OK? No, don't.' I gently put one finger over his lips before he says anything, because I know what he'll say. 'I know you think I'm - dazzling, and everything, but really I'm just me. I'm not that amazing. But you are. I know you say you don't know why I'm with you, but Heero, I feel exactly the same way about you. You don't need to be jealous, ever,' I breathe.

'I'll try,' he promises.

'And I'll try only to be nice to female or very elderly fans from now on.' It's supposed to be a joke, but I can see he likes the idea of it. 'I will try,' I say seriously. 'I promise. No flirting.'

He gives me a solemn nod. 'I will try to control my... over-possessiveness. I know you don't like that.'

That's bit tricky. 'Um, I sort of do, sometimes.' I know it's stupid, but there's a part of me, deep-down, that equates jealousy and the whole possessive thing as caring. There's a really nasty little part that doesn't see any harm in provoking those emotions. I used to do it with Solo all the time; chat up some other guy just as a way of getting his attention. I've never consciously done it with Heero, except...he'd left me, in that club, and the first thing I'd done was - let myself get chatted up by some guy. With Heero watching.

Well, fizz it.

It hadn't been a conscious decision, God no, not for one second, but I'd still done it. And reacted to what Heero had said in the way I had precisely because, at some level, it had been true, and I'd known it.

'I'm sorry,' I mutter suddenly, curling back into his shoulder. 'Heero, I'm so sorry.'

He settles me against him, petting my hair. 'Duo, stop. You didn't do anything; it's fine, honestly.'

'I love you,' I say against his neck. It's so easy, I don't know why I haven't told him before, and now I apparently can't stop saying it. 'And God, I'm so sorry, Heero. That guy, I get why you got pissed off, I was sort of flirting, it's this thing I used to do with Solo, just to get him to pay attention to me, and I didn't even realise, and I'm sorry.'

'You said that,' Heero reminds me. His hand is still running up and down my braid, so gently. 'Maybe we can say that we both...over-reacted a little bit?'

'I think that works. I'm kind of messed up, you know.'

'Shhh. You're perfect. Perfect for me.'

We don't talk for a while after that. Heero unbraids my hair, and carefully spreads it out so it's draped over us both. I think I even start to doze off for a little bit, as his hands drift over my skin, my hair.

'I don't get it,' he says finally, and it's like he's been having some conversation with me in his head, that I'm not privy to.

'What, love?' I press my lips to his arm, and then lift my head to look at him properly.

'The - the thing with that man. Solo.' Such loathing in his voice as he says the name. 'I can't understand why you let him hurt you. I can't understand why anyone would stay in that sort of relationship, and you... You're such a strong person, you're brave, you're intelligent. I just can't imagine you ever putting up with anyone doing that to you.'

'God, Heero. I dunno. Why does anyone? Why did Wufei put up with that guy with the weird name?'

'Treize never hit him!' Heero says vehemently, but there's sudden shadow behind his eyes, like he's doubting that, all of a sudden. The question, I realise suddenly, isn't just about me. It's about Wufei as well, and I don't even know what went on with him and the evil ex. I'm not entirely sure that Heero does either.

'Well, that's good,' I say levelly. 'Heero, I don't know. I was a stupid fifteen year old kid, and he'd read the abusers' manual backwards. It's not like he beat me black and blue every day. I would have left if it had been like that. It didn't even happen that often, not at the start anyway. The first few times, God, he was so sorry after. So nice to me, he said it was all his fault, that he didn't deserve me, that he was under so much stress, that I was this amazing person and he wasn't fit to be near me.'

'He wasn't!' Heero bursts out.

'Yeah, I know that now, I really do, but ... anyway. I don't even know when it changed, not really, just it always ended up being my fault. I didn't get a job, or I said the wrong thing at the wrong time, or I looked at some other guy when we were out..and I thought, I was so fucking dumb, Heero, I thought that proved that he cared about me, if he got jealous like that; sometimes I'd even chat some one up on purpose, just to piss him off, or to get his attention. I dunno.' I roll over on my back, gazing up at my ceiling, feeling Heero's eyes on me. 'I loved him,' I say softly. 'I really did. I just wanted him to feel the same way, to be special to him.'

I'd never had that. Sure, Heero hadn't exactly had a peachy childhood either, but there'd always been some adult in the background, watching out for him. There'd always been nice clothes and the best schools and a safe place to sleep. Once he'd started school, he'd had his friends and their families looking out for him. I'd had Sister Helen, for the few months I'd been at the orphanage, and there'd been a few other social workers and foster parents who'd cared, but I'd never been special to any of them, never more than another needy, lost kid in a never-ending line of lost children.

I'd never been special 'til Solo.

I do try telling Heero some of that, stumbling over the words, but it's obvious that he doesn't get it, that he just can't see why anyone would stay in that sort of relationship, when they could just leave, just walk away. It's so black and white for him.

If someone hurts you, treats you badly, you leave them. It's an equation set in stone.

We're so very different, both of us. He's self-contained to the point where I don't think he's ever really needed anyone, or he's convinced himself he doesn't.

'Heero,' I sit up abruptly, leaning against the headboard, and resting my chin on my knees. 'What would you do if I hit you?'

'What? You wouldn't!'

'Purely hypothetical question, OK? What would you do if I threw a punch at you right now? Say I broke your nose? And then I started to cry, and I said I loved you more than anything, and I hated myself, and my publisher was pushing me to bring a deadline forward, and I really needed the money because I had debts and people, bad people, were leaning on me to pay them back, and I had really awful writer's block, and I couldn't believe that I'd hurt you, the only thing in the world that actually mattered to me. What would you do?' I challenge again. 'Hit me back, call the cops, walk out?'

'No. Of course not. I'd want to help you, whatever you did. You know that.'

'Yeah,' I say softly, looking at the sapphire truth shining in his eyes. 'I know you would, Heero. But that's how it starts, you see.'

That's it. I can see the exact instant when he does get it, and then he pulls me to lie in his arms.

'Did he really?' He ghosts one fingertip across the bridge of my nose.

'Yeah.' I have to steel myself not to flinch, not because of his touch, which I can barely feel, but because I can remember how much it hurt. So much blood and Solo swearing that he loved me, though the haze of pain.

Instead, I curl closer into the warmth and strength of Heero's body, holding me, knowing that this man will never hurt me.

'What happened?' I think the question just slips out, or maybe he'd just planned to ask it in his head, because he looks surprised when I glance up at him.

'The first time? Like I told you, pretty much. He'd borrowed money from these moneylenders, he was always having some big idea, some scan, and they never worked out. They were threatening him, or he said they were anyway. There were these guys he knew who made snuff films; you know what they are, right?' He nods, looking rather sick, and I press on, just wanting to get it over with. This is something I've never told him before.

'I'd done a couple of things like that before, but God, Heero, it was horrible; you have no idea how awful. Solo said I had to start somewhere, that everyone did it like that, and then you got better jobs, and I didn't know anything, I believed him, but I hated it. So much. I - there was this one film, it was supposed to be set in a children's home, it was all about abusing kids, and I was supposed to be one of the kids, and I couldn't - I just walked out, and I swore I'd never do anything like that again. Then I did get a few real jobs, modelling for catalogues and stuff, and that was OK, I quite liked it.'

I'd loved it, actually. People fussing over me, and lovely clothes, and Solo beaming his approval in the background, then taking me back to his apartment, to his bed.

Being special, for the first time ever.

'Then there was this money trouble, and he said the only thing he could think of was for me to go back and make some of those films again, and I said I'd do anything else, anything, but not that. And he hit me,' I finished simply. 'Just like I told you. And then he said he loved me, the first time ever, and of course I went and made the stupid film. Three of them.'

'And then what happened?'

I sneak a look at him; it's the first time I've told him this particular little sordid slice of my life story, but his face is totally impassive. I just shrug. 'I guess the debt got paid off. Oh, yeah, and I slept with the director a couple of times, like I was this little extra bonus for him or something. And then I got an actual proper modelling contract and that was that.'

I roll back on to my side to look at him properly, and he takes my face in both hands and leans in to kiss me. 'I'm so sorry all that happened to you. I just - can't believe you, sometimes. Most of the time. That you went through all that.'

'And now I'm here,' I say, very quietly, gazing up at him. 'So it all worked out.'

'It did,' he affirms, and dips his head down to kiss me. Not just for comfort or affection this time; there's a definite bit of spice to it, and I arch up to meet him. Exactly on cue, my darling dog scratches at the door, and Heero mutters a curse.

'Does he need to go out again?'

Actually, Smokey is one of the reasons why I usually go to Heero's place. He (Smokey, not Heero) usually needs to go out at least once during the night, generally at the most inopportune moment. Nothing kills the romance quite so effectively as having to pull on some semblance of decent clothing, and stumble around outside after a dog as he tries to find that special place to do his business. Especially if you then need to clean up the resulting stinky business and carry it to the nearest bin. At Heero's house, he's installed a pet flap in the kitchen door, so he (again Smokey, not Heero) can go in and out when he wants.

'He's OK for now, I think. He usually whines when he really needs to go out. He's probably just bored out there by himself.'

'Maybe you should get him a friend?'

'Yeah, I'd like to, I do think about it sometimes, but I don't really have space for two dogs.'

'I do. You know, if you two moved in with me, we'd never have to get up in the middle of the night again.'

'Seriously?'

Admittedly, I do spend a lot of time there, and I've had my own key for weeks, but - actually moving in with him is still a pretty massive step.

'You don't have to,' Heero says quickly, watching my expression. 'I mean, you could, any time. If you wanted. I just wanted to say that you would be very welcome. And Smokey. And you could keep this place, and rent it out, or we could stay here sometimes if we're going out in the city. Anything you liked.'

I have to kiss him then, because he's obviously picked up on just how important it is to me to have my own place. It's nowhere near as amazing as Heero's glorious house, or my much-loved, long-lost beach house, but I like it. It's in a new block overlooking the harbour, so I've got amazing views. Plus, it's the first property I've ever owned outright, in my own name. No one can take it away from me.

It's my sanctuary, after a couple of years of living out of my car, or staying on friends' floors or couches or futons, or living in crappy rented studios.

It's mine.

'I...kind of have a lot of stuff.' Silly, but it's the first thing I blurt out.

'I've noticed. I have a big house, Duo. I could have more storage space installed.' He's sporting the little half-smile, amused and indulgent, that he gets whenever I start talking about clothes. Normally, I don't mind, but tonight, it flicks me on a raw nerve. I don't care if the rest of the world thinks I'm some superficial, fashion-obsessed fluffhead.

Couldn't care less.

But I don't want my boyfriend thinking that.

'Heero, do you know what my earliest memory is?'

He shakes his head, since of course he doesn't. I've never told anyone, but he looks a bit nervous. He knows pretty much everything about my past; he knows it can't be a happy memory. He's obviously expecting me to talk about rats, or scavenging in dustbins, or just being hungry.

'No, it's OK, it's something nice. I think I was about six or seven maybe,' I say slowly, rolling on to my back and staring up at the ceiling. I don't want to look at him while I'm saying any of this. 'I mean, I do remember lots of little bits and pieces before then, but this is my first real vivid memory, you know? I was in this park, and I'm still not sure what I was doing there.' I'd never quite been sure about that; I think there was maybe some sort of fair or festival, and I guess I'd been taken there with a few of the other kids, to beg or pick pockets or whatever. I'd probably wandered off at some point, because at the start of the dream, I'm alone.

'I'm in this flower garden,' I tell Heero. 'I don't think I'd ever been anywhere like that before. It was - like magic. So many colours, and butterflies - I'd never seen butterflies before, I didn't even know what they were. It was perfect, like paradise.' (With a jolt, I suddenly realise that it was like Trowa's garden.) And then there was this little dog, a puppy. I think it might have been a Maltese or a poodle, one of those little white fluffy ones, you know? It was so cute!' I can still remember those bright black eyes looking at me, the softness of its fur, the tiny pink tongue curling around my finger. We'd played a game of tag around the flowers, chasing each other, and then falling in a heap under a bush.

Heero's smiling softly when I glance at him, as I tell him all this. Of course he is. It's adorable, right? A tiny version of me, playing with a puppy. What a perfect first memory for anyone to have.

'I think we both fell asleep; it was a hot day, and we'd been running around a lot.'

I sneak another look at Heero; his eyes are half-closed, but he looks happy, and I can see he's imagining the scene in his head. Little Duo curled up in a flower bed. It's greetings-card cute.

'That was the good bit.' I can actually hear the tone of my voice change. 'It changed after that. There were these two guys; they were park-keepers or gardeners or something. They were looking for the little dog; I guess it had wandered off and the owners reported it missing, and they started shouting that I'd stolen it. One of them, the older one, had grabbed me and starting shaking me and yelling, and the other one, the youngish one, had just looked at me.

I'd only been a kid, but I'd known that there were monsters in the world. I'd seen stuff. I knew what happened when guys looked at you like that. Looked at street kids who'd never be missed.

'Then, there were these two ladies.' If I close my eyes, I can still see them so perfectly. 'They were like, I dunno, princesses out of a story book, and they smelled like flowers. They told this guy to put me down, to stop hurting me. I didn't think he'd pay any attention, because they were just girls, really, but of course he did, 'cause they were all dressed up and elegant, and they spoke the right way, and looked right, like they were rich. That's what clothes are, you see,' I finish quietly. 'Camouflage. If you're dressed right, if you look right, you can get away with anything. That restaurant we were in tonight, I was just thinking before you got there, they'd have chased me off when I was a kid.'

I knew that, I'd been chased away from plenty of back doors. I knew the things they shouted at you, that they'd take a swing at you if you weren't fast enough.

'Fast forward ten years, and I'm still the same person, really, but I'm dressed properly, so I get the head waiter fawning over me. I dunno. It's all about appearances, Heero. The way people treat you, it's based on how you look, what they think you are.'

I don't really think he'll understand any of that. Yeah, he didn't have the best childhood in lots of ways, but he was incredibly privileged in others. He'd been educated at one of the most exclusive boarding schools in Europe, at a top university. He's never had anyone look at him like he's lower than dirt, like stinking street trash.

We are worlds apart, really.

He doesn't say anything at all, to start, just sits up beside me, and slides an arm around my shoulders, pulling me against him. 'I know appearances do matter,' he says finally, very softly. 'I know that. But I think the way people respond to you - it's not just how you're dressed, it's your smile, it's how you're always so friendly to people, so interested in them. God, Duo, I'll never forget you standing in front of me, that day in the bookshop, the way you smiled at me. I'll always remember that, but I haven't a clue what you were wearing; actually, you'll probably belt me for that but I never notice your clothes.'

'What?' I let out a little snort of mock-affront...in truth, I might have been able to summon up just a little more indignation, except, well, he's wrapped around and telling me these amazing things. 'Do you have any idea how long it takes me to get ready whenever I'm going out with you? And I don't believe you anyway. I know you like my dark blue jeans.'

'I like what's under them,' he says slyly, one hand slipping down my back to curve around that particular body-part. 'And I happen to prefer you au natural. Like this, in fact.'

'Oh, do you now?' I shift a little in his arms, just enough to face him. 'Are you sure about the whole moving in thing? 'Cause we did just have a major row and all?'

'And we talked about it and made up,' he points out reasonably. 'I believe that's what people do.'

'I believe so, yes,' I say, mimicking his dry tone. 'I dunno, Heero. It's a pretty big thing.' A leap of faith. We don't know each other that well, after only three months.

'I know. It's too soon for you, isn't it? I'm sorry, it just slipped out. I didn't think about it properly. I didn't mean to pressure you into anything.' He leans forward, across the very brief space separating us, and brushes his mouth against mine, too fleeting even to be called a kiss. 'It's fine, Duo, really. We can talk about it later.'

'No, listen, I - I didn't say definitely not.' It's a big thing for him. I know that. He's another person who regards his house as his private sanctuary against the world, more than me, even. Yeah, sure, his friends visit and stay over sometimes, but I'm the only person who's there on such a regular basis. I think I'm the only person who's essentially moved in to his personal space. And he might be letting on that it was a spontaneous slip of the tongue, but I know him. He wouldn't just come out with something like that unless he'd been thinking a lot about it first. He'd maybe been planning all along to ask me tonight. It's a huge thing for him, since I know just how much he likes solitude.

And I've basically shot him down.

'I'd like to, honestly,' I say, firmly holding his gaze. 'Heero, I'd love it, but like you said, it is kind of soon. Do you think we could do some sort of trial period? You know, like restaurants have this 'soft' opening periods? I could stay over for three or four nights every week, and we could just see how it goes? Kind of get used to being around each other so much?'

'Absolutely!' He gives me one of those rather rare, heartfelt smiles. I think there's maybe just a tinge of relief in there too. It's a good compromise; he won't have me invading his personal space all the time.

'Oh, good.' I stretch against him, very deliberately bringing certain parts of my anatomy in very direct contact with him. 'So, this is supposed to be our anniversary and everything, and we should be celebrating, and you just said you liked me all natural and naked and stuff, so do you think we could maybe...?'

Exactly on cue, my beloved dog whines outside, plaintive and demanding.

'Right,' I say briskly. Plan B it is, apparently. 'The whole moving in with you thing. How soon exactly can we come?'

 

~ * ~

 

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