"Apres La Guerre "

Written By: Waterliliylf

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. All rights remain with Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. No profit being made here.

Rating: R

Warnings: Duo POV, angst, sap, humor

Pairings: eventual 1x2

Summary: Post War Fic, mostly Duo POV set seven years after the end of the War and absolutely oozing angst and sap and humour and confusiona and Duo-suffering.. Long 1x2 get together fic

"Apres La Guerre "

 

Chapter 94 -Spinning:

Mornings were the worst, no doubt whatsoever about that. Mornings had always been special. They were both early risers and mornings had meant taking the horses out for a gallop, going for a swim, lazing around in bed, talking and touching idly, until one or other did something that wasn't idle at all.

Waking up alone, in the bed they'd bought together, was hideous; a feeling that hadn't remotely lessened over the past three months. It had been easier after the first time Trowa left, back in April. He'd been busy, and there'd always been an end-date in sight. He would kill Dekim Barton, or be killed in the process, and if he did manage to survive, maybe Trowa would come back when he knew what had happened. But Trowa did know, and he wasn't coming back, and now, there was just his whole life stretching to infinity, without Trowa.

Totally his own fault, Quatre told himself sternly.

And all of his lover's belongings were gone. He hadn't taken anything the first time he'd left. The second time, six weeks ago now, he'd had a set of suitcases with him. Other things had been shipped separately to Earth, or donated to charity, or thrown out.

It had been nice, before, having his things still around, as if he could come home any moment. He'd been able to pretend, sometimes.
The room itself was different, just a little. The rug was gone, the rug where Dekim Barton had died; it had been cleaned of the blood stains, but he hadn't wanted ever to see the thing again. He rather thought one of his sisters had taken it. It had been an ancient, precious thing.

Trowa had taken the little writing desk too; he'd always loved it, loved the tiny secret drawer with its own key, and Quatre had insisted. They'd agreed to joint custody of Wufei's calligraphy scroll, and Trowa had got it first.

Nothing left of him now. Just the portrait, and he was making a habit of talking to that. Far too frequently.

Lying in bed, he wished it a good morning and then reached for his laptop. It would be almost lunch-time in Florence; he kept his watch on Italian time now, so it was easy to imagine what Trowa might be doing.

A good time to call him. They all seemed to eat lunch together, except when Duo was off with Heero.

'Hey,' Trowa shook his hair out of his eyes; it was getting to the shaggy stage. He'd had it trimmed fairly regularly on L4, when Quatre's barber visited. He was wearing clothes Quatre didn't know; linen trousers and a light-coloured shirt, and he was sitting in an armchair in his bedroom. He'd turned the computer screen around once, for Quatre to see the whole room. He'd never visited the embassy in Florence and he liked having an idea of the sort of place where Trowa was living.

'How're things?'

'All right.' It was always awkward at first, awkward most of the time really, but Trowa had never told him not to call, so he did. Almost every day, after he woke up. He'd spent most of the past seven years talking to Trowa first thing in the morning. He couldn't imagine not doing it.

He told Trowa some family news; his sister Rebekah was pregnant again, and a niece had become engaged to a boy her father disapproved of. The Grand Winner Soap Opera, Trowa had always called it.

'How's Italy?'

'Still lots of pasta,' Trowa said solemnly, and then told him about an art gallery he'd visited with Duo and Zechs the day before.

He could imagine the three of them, walking around the ancient streets. It was good that Trowa had friends around him. He was in a place he liked too; that was important. Florence had always been one of Trowa's favourite cities; they'd been there together once or twice, and he'd been there on his own more often, visiting Heero. 'That sounds lovely.'

'It was good, yeah. Quat, I better go. We'll be having lunch in a sec.'

'Yes, of course. I just wanted to say hello. Trowa, I …'

'Don't say it, Quat,' Trowa warned sharply. 'Just – don't. OK? There's no point.'

'OK.' Quatre echoed, biting his lip, biting back the words.

'I know, anyway,' Trowa said, his tone a little softer.

Quatre nodded. 'I'll talk to you tomorrow?'

'Whenever. Yeah, if you want. Tomorrow's good.'

'All right. Enjoy your lunch. Have a nice day.'

'You too.' And then he dialled off.

'I miss you,' Quatre told the blank screen. 'I love you.' Trowa was right; there wasn't any point in saying it. He still missed being able to.
He'd made his choice though, months before. Decided that it was infinitely preferable to lose Trowa but know he was still somewhere in the world, living his life. Even if he'd always dared to cling on to a tiny tendril of hope that Trowa might forgive him, one day.

He still might, one day, and if he didn't, it would be Quatre's own fault.

At least, they were talking; that was something.

He took a deep breath, and rubbed one hand across his eyes, and went to get on with his own life.

Later, after a special trade union meeting that went for even longer than he'd expected, he called Duo. A little break in his day, before he had to go and face his board of directors. A family dinner, after. He wasn't much looking forward to either.

After Duo's accident; after he'd spent time on L4, and recovered and gone back to live with Wufei on Earth, they'd talked every day, without fail, even if it had only been for a couple of minutes.

Then there'd been a board meeting that had gone on forever, and a string of unmissable appointments the next day, and then a business trip with a crowded itinerary. He'd called Duo in the middle of all of it, and they'd decided that maybe it just wasn't practical for two very busy people to stick to that sort of schedule, and the calls had tapered off a bit. They'd still talked a lot, but sometimes days or even a couple of weeks had passed without contact.

Incredible, Quatre thought, thinking about it. Too busy to spare a few minutes out of his day to call his best friend, who'd been trying so hard to deal with university and being a student. How stupid he'd been.

They talked every day now, though, and it was glorious, having Duo back in his life.

Duo was smiling when he appeared on the screen; things had to be going fairly well then.

'How was it?' It had been the first day those children he'd found on L4 had met their long-lost grandparents.

'Good, I guess. I mean, yeah, it was good. Nat remembered them, once he saw them, and Gemma, a little bit. She went straight up to the grandmother when she saw her.'

'Did you like them?'

'They seemed like nice people. They've got a big family back home; other sons and daughters and their kids. Cousins. All that. Not as many as your lot, but plenty of people. They had photos. They've got a nice house in the country, two pet dogs. Space to run around.'

'That must be nice for the children, finding so many relations.' Duo didn't say anything. 'What happens now? Are you still thinking of applying for guardianship?'

'Dunno, Quat. I said all along, if they were good people, and the kids liked them, then yeah, they should be with family.'

'Horribly difficult for you, still.'

Duo looked at him. 'Q, it's kind of not. It's like – a relief, almost. How awful is that?'

'Goodness, it's not awful at all,' Quatre said feelingly. 'It would have been a huge commitment, Duo. Having the responsibility for three children, for the rest of your life. I certainly couldn't have done it.'

'Could, too. And I would've. I mean, I talked about it with Heero and the guys. They were all on board with me doing it, and I want to stay in touch with them. Have them for holidays maybe, sometimes. I told the grandparents that, and they were fine. They were … really nice people,' he added, wonderingly. 'I'd never let the kids go stay with anyone who wasn't.'

'Of course not,' Quatre assured him. 'So, what's the next step? They can't just take them, can they?'

'God, no. It's all baby steps. They're all officially wards of the Sanque government right now. I guess some kind of social worker needs to visit their house, talk to all the family; then they can go for a short visit, supervised, and see how that works.'

'It sounds like a very good system,' Quatre said quietly. Duo had told him about foster care on L2, which hadn't been. 'Very focused on the children's needs and wants. And you won't be losing them straight away.'

'Right,' Duo nodded. 'That's good. I'd hate for them just to fly off. And that won't be happening for a good long while yet. They need to set up a good support system. Look at local schools and that. Plus, they're all going to need tutors and therapists. The grandparents aren't that well off, but the rest of the family's prepared to chip in. Go from there.'

'You know, it's much more fun having children on a part-time basis,' he encouraged. 'I love my nieces and nephews, but I love handing them back to their parents after a visit. I think you'll enjoy being their honorary uncle.'

'Sure. It's selfish of me, I get that, but it makes stuff easier. I can make decisions without having to factor them in.'

'And have you? Made any decisions?'

'Yeah, sort of. I guess Wufei told you Zechsy's been cleared to fly?'

'He mentioned it, yes. About fifty times yesterday. I gather he practically kissed the doctor when he heard the news.'

Duo laughed. 'Practically lay down and had sex with her, from what I heard. He's been so worried about Zechs ever since he got shot. He felt it was all his fault, and then me and him getting abducted stressed Zechsy out big time, and didn't exactly help his recovery, and then he insisted on doing the whole Preventers thing with us. I think it's like a weight of his shoulders that Zechs finally got the all-clear medically.'

'I can imagine,' Quatre said feelingly.

'Totally. I'm so glad that you guys are back to being friends.'

'Well,' Quatre qualified. 'We're getting there. I'm sure he'll totally forgive me in the next decade or so. He's invited me to stay, once they get settled in back home.' He smiled as he said it; he'd smiled, for the first time in so long, when Wufei had asked him, a little stiff but clearly heartfelt.

'I hope you're planning to take him up on it?'

'Absolutely. I just have some things to sort out first.'

'Yeah. You really need to get better at delegation, you know.'

'I'm working on it, actually. I've been meditating with Wufei, did he tell you? It's a little odd, doing it over the computer, but it's nice too. Peaceful. I'd forgotten how much I used to enjoy it.'

'Whatever floats your boat.' Duo shrugged. 'He's tried getting me into it a few times, and I fell asleep out of sheer boredom. Zechsy pretends to do it with him, but I think he just waits 'til 'Fei closes his eyes, and drools over him.'

'It's helping me to relax, anyway. Now, you were about to tell me about what you've decided to do with yourself. Have Wufei and Zechs decided exactly when they're leaving?'

'Not really. They want to wait 'til Trowa makes up his mind what to do next. He told you about this idea he has to volunteer at an animal sanctuary in Africa or India or wherever?'

'Oh, yes. It sounds wonderful. Perfect for him.'

'Give him a breathing space to decide what he wants to do next anyway,' Duo added delicately. 'Wufei's already downloading him all kinds of universities that specialise in zoology and veterinary studies. He won't be satisfied 'til we've all got degrees.'

Quatre laughed. 'Tro should do something like that. He'd be amazing. He's so intelligent; it's a shame for him not to do something with it.'
'He said he'd consider it. 'Course, it might just have been to shut 'Fei up. There are places in Italy, though; Florence, even. So he might end up here, eventually. That'd be cool.'

'It would. You'd get to see him all the time. And he loves Italy. All the art and history.'

'He loves the food!' Duo licked his lips. 'We might even fatten him up a bit while he's here. What about you? Any plans to come to Florence? Say goodbye before he sets out on his big adventure?'

Quatre bit his lip. 'It's all a bit awkward right now. WEI and everything.'

Duo leaned forward. 'Never just thought about running off?'

'All the time,' Quatre said honestly. 'But I can't just leave the company right now. And besides, I truly think that Trowa would rather not see me at the moment.'

'That might be what he says. Mightn't be what he means.'

'Well, I'm going by what he says these days.' Mostly, anyway. 'It's only fair.'

'Still sucks.'

'Yes,' he acknowledged. 'But. It is what it is.'

Duo shook his head, grinning faintly. 'Can't believe you just said that. I thought that was like your personal anti-slogan.'

Quatre flushed a little. 'I'm trying to change.'

Duo looked at him, intent. 'You look good, you know. Better than you have in months. Not cutting anymore?'

'Not lately, no.' He rolled up his sleeves to show Duo his arms. No new scars. 'It all feels a little unreal, and I miss him dreadfully, but I'm all right. Coping. It helps, talking to all of you. Now, Duo, stop dodging around, please. It's never worked with me. What exactly are you planning to do?'

'Stay 'til Trowa leaves anyway. That'll be another couple of weeks, at least,' Duo said promptly. 'And I want to be here for the kids to be settled. That could take a few months or so, to get sorted out, depending on how it all goes. I can't just abandon them.'

'Naturally not. Any other reasons to stay around?' he asked, sly.

Duo pulled a face at him. 'You know damn well, Winner. We've been talking about it a lot. Right now, it makes sense for us to stay here; it's where Heero's job is based, and I can pretty much work anywhere.'

'And you're happy with that?' Quatre pressed. 'It sounds awfully practical. You're quite sure it's what you want?'

'I'm good with it. What I want, is to be with him.' He looked down at his hands, and then back up at the screen. 'We'll see how it goes. If it doesn't work out here, we'll talk about something else, but I guess we'll be fixed here for the time being. That's the plan. And you're being very quiet about it all. I'm not asking for your approval, Quat. This is how it is.'

'I do approve, for what it's worth, although of course you don't need me to,' Quatre said quietly.

'Seriously? I thought you'd be telling me to take things slowly; not just give up my whole life back home and move halfway around the planet to be with him.'

Quatre shook his head. 'Trowa moved across the entire universe for me, and I don't think I ever really appreciated it. I'd follow him anywhere now, and it's probably too late. I think you should do what you think will make you happy.'

'Wow. What happened to you in the last few months? Honestly? Did they somehow mess with your brain?'

'Oh, Duo, don't.' He wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. 'Honestly? I'm the last person in the entire world who should be telling anyone what to do with their lives.'

'Quat, hey. Don't. I was joking.' Duo's voice was very gentle. 'Guess the last few months were hell on the whole mojo thing, huh?'

'You can't imagine.'

'No. Can you still feel him?'

'There's an awareness, always. Just…. knowing that he exists, nothing else. Not at this distance.'

'Shit,' Duo said softly.

'Shit, yes.' It made Duo laugh; his swearing always made Duo laugh.

'So,' his friend said finally. 'You and 'Fei are talking, or when you're not talking you're sitting cross-legged and breathing across outer space at each other. You're having awkward little conversations with Tro and trying not to throw yourself at his feet and beg him to take you back. We're good, the two of us. That's still only three out of four.'

'Duo, don't.'

'Quatre, shut it. Come on, you bit the bullet and talked to 'Fei, and that went OK, right?' he added persuasively. 'I'm not going to go around for the rest of my life with my boyfriend and my closest friend pretending the other just doesn't exist.'

'I haven't done that.'

'No? You're doing a pretty good imitation of it, so. Look, I just want to know that you guys could actually be in the same room as each other, every now and then, without you trying to kill him again.'

'That was years ago. And I was upset.'

'And you pulled a gun on him in my hospital room,' Duo said flatly. 'I know. Tro and 'Fei told me, after. I want you to talk to him. I don't think that's too much to ask, after everything you've put me though in the last few months. You tried to get me committed, for God's sake! I think the least you could do is try to make nice with Heero.'

Quatre's mouth tightened. 'That's emotional blackmail.'

'Yeah, and you taught me how to do it,' Duo shot back. 'So?'

'Are you manipulating him into talking to me?'

'Don't need to,' Duo grinned into the screen. 'Right now, he's so psyched I'm planning to stay here, he'll do anything for me. Quat, listen. I get that you guys used to have a connection. I get that you think he screwed up. But he's only human, like the rest of us. You had him on this pedestal, and there was no way he could live up to your expectations. He made one stupid mistake, I'm over it. It's about time you were too. Now, do you I need to list exactly how many crappy things you've been doing to me lately or are you just going to give in gracefully?'

'Duo, wait! Not like this…' The words were wasted though; Duo had already vanished from the screen, and then Heero was there, so fast he had to have been waiting.

'Quatre. Hello.' Very tentative for Heero Yuy.

'Hello.' He couldn't, off-hand, remember the last time they'd met. After his suicide attempt, yes, but he didn't really remember any of that so it hardly counted. Before that, they'd sometimes attended some of the same political functions. He had absolutely no idea what to say, and nor had Heero, apparently, so they just looked at one another.

It was stupid, he thought wildly. If Duo had given him some more time, just to prepare, to think of what to say, to steel himself. If Duo had given more time, he would have wrangled his way out of it.

And he could think of nothing in the world to say; not apologies, or threats not to hurt Duo again, or attempts at excuses for what he'd done, or thanks to Heero, for what he'd done, both at Preventers or for making Duo happy.

He just sat and let Heero look at him, and suddenly realised there was moisture on his cheeks. 'I'm sorry,' he said finally, brokenly.

They'd been such good friends, so many years ago.

'He made one stupid mistake,' Duo had said.

And he'd cut Heero off, out of his own feelings of personal betrayal and bitterness, and dressed it all up as anger over how he'd treated Duo. Worse, he'd convinced Wufei that it had all been Heero's fault, and Duo – he'd probably made the whole situation worse with Duo. He could at least have tried to convince Duo to talk to him; to listen to what he had to say, but instead he'd demonised a boy his own age who'd only ever tried to do the right thing.

It had almost cost him his relationship with Trowa, who'd refused to drop Heero at his lover's insistence.

'Oh, Heero. I'm so very sorry,' he choked out and Heero actually reached out a hand to comfort him, before remembering. He couldn't hold a computer screen.

Heero had always been his friend; his ally; he'd always been there. He'd had wisps of fantasises sometimes; if there hadn't been Duo and Trowa in the universe, there might have been something more than friendship between them. Silly little daydreams, about someone who was safe for those sorts of imaginings. Nothing ever serious.

Heero let his hand drop, looking annoyed and frustrated. 'I'm sorry about Trowa.'

'My own fault.'

'I can still be sorry. For both of you.' Unlike Duo and Wufei, he left it at that.

'Thank you.'

'When can you come to Earth?'

'Soon, I hope.'

'Good. We need to talk. Not like this.'

Quatre smiled at that; for someone who'd had a love affair with computers since they'd first met, Heero had never much liked using them to communicate. Not personal things. 'Oh, yes. Please.'

'I can come to you.'

He was the only one who'd offered. Of course, he understood completely why the others hadn't; he doubted very much if any of them would ever want to go to L4 again in their lives.

It was almost overpowering; the temptation of it.

'I think…Duo needs you more than I do, right now. But I promise, I'll see you soon.'

The empathy had always been unreliable; unpredictable, changing over time. He'd grown up in a houseful of sisters, and had never felt a flicker from some of them, but he'd been able to read the emotions of some total strangers on the street. He'd accepted it as a child; then got better at hiding it, found some measure of control. It had got worse after Zero and then Wufei had taught him to meditate, so he could block out most emotions.

Two exceptions, always. Trowa, of course. And Heero.

Nothing like each other. With Trowa, like he'd told Duo, there'd been an awareness, from the very beginning. With their increasing intimacy, he'd almost been able to read Trowa's thoughts.

Heero had only ever been a presence, just at the corner of his mind, but there; something steady and unyielding. And Heero had felt him reflected back. They'd talked about it, when they'd been in Sanque during the war. Heero was the only person he'd ever met who'd been just a little like him. Different.

'When?' Heero snapped his brows together. If you didn't know him, you'd think he was glaring, but he was just focused.

'There are things I have to do here.' He came close, very close to saying it, but he'd already decided it wasn't something to share.

Heero's mouth curved, very slightly. 'I see. In that case, come as soon as you can. Or call me. I've missed you.'

'Me too.' Quatre whispered. 'So much.'

They didn't talk much after that, but it didn't matter. It had always been the one thing they'd been able to give each other; shared space and silence, in the middle of the clamour of the world.

And the world seemed like a much better place when he finally broke the connection.

~ * ~

Chapter 95

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