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"To Be Human" Written By: Stone Angel Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters belong to their various copyright companies. Rating: R Warnings: Angst, sap Pairings: 1x2 Spoilers: None really.
To Be Human He's doing it again. Hiding. He's always hiding. And I'm tired of it. Today, I'm going to try to make him understand. He can be human. I stalk over to him and wait by the chair in which he sits at the desk, typing away at that infernal laptop of his. I wait. His eyes glance to me from his peripheral vision but he gives no other sign he knows I'm there, doesn't miss a beat on his worn keys. I wait. He clicks the program closed and starts to work on another. Fuck waiting. I close his laptop. He FINALLY acknowledges my presence and turns to me.
He seems passive_the scowl he always wears holds no effect over me
anymore. I learned long ago that it was an empty expression, holding
no meaning. "You know, all work and no play makes Heero a VERY dull partner." "Hn." He moves to open his computer again but I place a hand on it. I know he could easily break my wrist, but for some reason, I don't think he will. He waits. The clock in the room is ticking so loudly I think I may go deaf. I count the ticks for a full minute before I give in and speak. "Did you know there's more to life than a mission?" He seems surprised I said that but the slightly stunned look is covered in an instant. "What makes you sat that?" "You. All you ever do, care, think about is a fucking mission. There's more to your life. There's more to you." He seems to consider that for a moment before shaking his head. "Not until the war is over." I sigh, utterly exasperated and desperately wanting to kick the asses of whoever taught him he wasn't allowed to be human. "Did you know that the majority of soldiers out there are human?" He seems confused by that question. "I believe 100% of soldiers are human." I shake my head with a smirk. "Nope. There's a very small percentage that is not." I hold out my hand in offering. "Care to join the majority?" He snorts at that. "Duo, omai wa baka kore wa." "At least I feel." I counter as I walk away to my bunk, flinging myself back onto it and closing my eyes. Let him think about that for a moment. I wait. There is silence in the room save for the ticking of the clock. No typing. No talking. Nothing. Not even the sound of breathing. Che. The man doesn't even breathe! How can this work?! I count the ticks for two minutes this time, fighting to keep breathing as the suspense tries to choke me by making me hold my breath, and then hear something by the side of my bunk. I open my eyes and look up. He's there. And he's confused. And he's waiting. I sigh and close my eyes. "What?" I manage to sound annoyed though my heart is beating faster than a rabbit's. "What do you mean? When you said I wasn't human?" Sighing again, but not opening my eyes, I answer. "Heero,
we are soldiers. YOU, my friend, act like a ROBOT. I often wonder
who pilots who when you fight with your Gundam. Everything is mechanical.
Like "Hn." He does the unexpected and sits on the bunk. I peek open an eye to see him staring forward into space. When he turns back to me I close that eye. "Why are you saying all this?" Crap. I can't lie to him. "Someone once said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. I look into yours and all I see is me staring back. Christ, Yuy, you won't even let yourself have a soul." He seems to consider that for a few seconds before speaking. "I do." "You do what?" "I have a soul." "Hmm. Where is it?" I peek open my eye again. He seems annoyed. Good. "Yuy, you are allowed to be human. You have to be a soldier, but all other soldiers are human. You can be too." He shakes his head. "Iye. I went too far. So they took it from me." Now we're getting somewhere. "Took what?" He turns slightly sad eyes to me. "My humanity. They took it." I gulp. Ok that's not what I expected. Not the words, but the look in his eyes as he said them. They looked…dead. Take it from someone that is surrounded by death. I know that look when I see it. And he's got it. But…there's that little spark…. "No one can take your humanity, Heero. Even if they killed you you'd be human. You'd be a dead human, but a human." I say as I sit up. "They did." I decide to broach another question. "What did you mean, `I went too far'?" He looks forward into space again, his voice a whisper. "I killed a puppy's girl." Shit. "You… You mean a girl's puppy?" He shakes his head and mouths `no'. Aw man. So now he doesn't want to feel so he won't feel
guilty about that. Or any of the other depravities we have to commit
in this war. And his trainers are the ones who taught him to do that.
He looks down to his wrist and pulls his hand away. I press on. "Guilt. Those mean guilt. And that is a feeling. But it's not the only one out there. And while it is a good one to have so we learn and do the right thing, it is not pleasant." "What are pleasant ones?" I smile my best and brightest for him. I see his lips twitch in response before he keeps them still. "That's one there." I lean forward and embrace him gently. His body stiffens for a moment before he relaxes and becomes passive. I'll have none of that. I rub his back with one hand.
"Heero, it's Ok to feel. You ARE human, they can't take that
from you, no one can. They put to sleep the part of you that reaches
out. But it's Ok. You He relaxes further against me and rests a head on my shoulder. I rub his back more as I speak. "Do you cry?" He nods his head and I smile. "Me too." He is quiet for a moment before he speaks. "What do you want me to say?" I shake my head. "No. This is not some mission. This is life. YOU decide what it is you say or do." After another moment, I feel tears on my skin and know that I have met with success. Yuy the Stone is bleeding. Has been for some time. But now he can let someone tend to his wound rather than doing it himself. I kiss his hair and wait for him to speak. I want to tell him that I love him, but I think that can wait for another day. He's mixed up. He just needs to cry right now. "Why did you do that?" I cringe. Maybe kissing his hair was a bad idea. "How do you do that?" Kiss? "What do you mean?" "You make me feel…at ease. How do you do it?" I smile. Maybe today is the day to say it. "I love you." He doesn't stiffen or pull away. Just sits there in my arms, quiet, as his tears die down. "Have you ever been loved by someone?" He shakes his head. I kiss his hair again. "Well, I do. I love you." For long moments he doesn't say anything. Then, in a small voice he speaks. "I don't… I don't know what love feels like. I couldn't tell you if I did love you back." I smile as I continue to rub his back. "That's Ok, Heero. I'm not concerned with that right now. I just want to be here for you." For a moment, he is stunned into silence before I feel the tears again. I hold him tighter, trying to convey my support, and he does the unthinkable. His arms snake around my waist and he holds me back. "Arigato." "Hmm." I play with a short lock of his hair while my other hand rubs his back. "For what?" Sighing and taking a sobbing breath, he speaks. "For holding me. And letting me cry." I smile. "Anytime." My eyes wander to the clock. "Heero, it's Eleven o'clock and our classes start early. Even if we don't learn anything, we still have to go, ne? We should get some sleep." He nods but doesn't move from the bed. Smiling to myself, I lay back and draw him alongside me, moving over so there's room on the bed for the two of us. His eyes widen for a moment in unmasked surprise before his lips twitch again in that little almost-smile and he relaxes against me, never letting go. I don't let go of him either, not even to pull up a blanket. Our bodies might be cold, but tonight, our hearts are warmed by the other's. I wonder. Will it be like this every night? Right now, that's not important. Right now, I will help him. Help him to be human. Teach him its meaning. He needs to learn how to breathe. And, until then, I will learn to hold my breath. OWARI
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