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"SHADOWS AND LIGHT: AN UNBREAKABLE BOND" Written By: Stone Angel
Please see Prologue for disclaimer, ratings and explanations. ^_^ AN: Ok. There are more songs in the next few bits than one can shake a proverbial stick at. And can we say "ANGST!"? Keep the tissues with you if you cry easily cuz you won't be the first to cry while reading this. Especially the last chapter. The tittle is Latin for "always faithful".
SHADOWS AND LIGHT: AN UNBREAKABLE BOND:
Heero sat on his couch, staring at the wall. He had been that way for.... He didn't even know. Nor did he care. He was too confused by his own feelings to be thinking on something so trivial as time. 'I love Duo. I love him more than anything. But I can't go back to him. It wouldn't work. I don't want to leave him by growing old and dying. And he won't do it. I think it would be best if I moved on.' He groaned at that thought as his head fell back against the couch and tears seeped from his closed eyes. 'HOW can I say that?! What am I supposed to do here?! We're fucking SOUL MATES! How do you just walk away from the person you are destined to be with? I want to go back. I want to more than anything. But I have to be strong. ...And.... After what I saw him do....' He shuddered. 'He enjoyed that. Killing that man. How can I get involved with someone who enjoys killing? He always said he hated it. That was not the case last night. I would be willing to kill, but I would never enjoy it. God. That was so horrible.' He raised his head and stared at the wall once more, wiping the tears from his cheeks. 'I'll just move on. I won't run to him this time. This is for the best.' * * * A week later, Heero decided to go out. He locked his door and headed for a club, just wanting to get drunk. He had slept no more than ten hours in the past seven days. Could not seem to turn his mind off. And he craved sleep with a frightening intensity. But it would not come. So he threw on his tank top and shorts and headed out. He decided to go to a bar that was not the one at which he had met Duo. It held too many memories. He went to a bar in Atascadero, on the other side of the stretch of a town from Duo's and his place and proceeded to flash his fake ID at the bar. The bar tender, a seedy looking man who seemed fit to work there, paid the card no more than a glance before complying with his order of "Booze, booze, and more booze" and returned with a shot glass and a bottle of vodka. He left the bottle when Heero put a fifty on the bar top. After a few hours of drinking enough to be drunk but not pass out, a man sat on the stool aside him. "I haven't seen you in here before." Heero turned his eyes to him briefly. "Well that makes sense. I've never been in here before." The man smiled charmingly. "I see. What made you want to? It's kind of a dump." The bartender glared but said nothing. Heero shrugged. "I need to get drunk." The man nodded and ordered a whiskey. "I can understand that. Trying to forget someone?" Heero nodded. "Ex." "Oh. Bad break up?" Heero nodded again. "Yeah. He has issues with trust." The man grinned. "So it's a 'he'." Heero slammed down another small shot. "Yeah." "I swing that way, too." Said the man. He took a sip of his drink when it was placed before him. Heero looked to him from his peripheral vision. The man was pleasant looking. He couldn't have been older than Twenty-five. Muscular but slim. Well dressed. His hair was black and spiked and he had deep brown eyes. His skin was tanned. His smile was pleasant and Heero checked his canines to find them too dull to be retracted fangs. He was human. 'Definitely cute.' He thought, slamming back another drink. "You wanna get out of here?" He asked, shamelessly throwing himself at the man. It was a way to escape. Only for a few moments, but he needed it. The man seemed stunned for a moment before smiling. "Sure. What did you have in mind?" Heero pointed to his side. "Door. Outside. Back alley." The man seemed even more surprised but was not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. "Ok." Heero got up from his seat and walked to the door, swaying slightly and stumbling a little every so often. He exited the seedy bar and headed around the building to the alley in back. The man followed close behind. * * * Duo tried his best to ignore the ticking of the clock by his bed, but even he could not tune it out. Keeping his face buried in the pillow, he reached over and picked up the offending item, hurling it across the room to smack into the wall and fall to the floor, not ticking again. 'And another one bites the dust.' He thought cruelly. It was not the first clock he had destroyed for that reason. And it would not be the last. Most times, he enjoyed the sound, but at the moment, he found it positively loathsome. He checked his blessedly silent digital watch. 'Eleven. I'd better go out. Goddamn. I just wanna stay here and die.' He buried his head under the pillow. He had not slept much. In the last week, nightmares had been haunting his days AND nights. The vast majority of them were of Heero. The phone rang in the other room and he wondered if Wufei would answer it. He sensed that he was in the house and hoped that he had the graciousness to answer the bloody thing before he killed THAT too. After two rings, he heard Wufei answer politely. 'Just incase it's her.' He thought sadly. 'We’re both so screwed. Dear God. Kill me.' He gripped over his heart where it felt like he was being sliced in two. He wanted so desperately for it to be Heero calling him. But he was terrified that it was. After a moment, Wufei knocked on the door. 'OH GOD! IT'S HEERO!' Duo bolted from the bed to the door and flung it open to snatch the phone away from a surprised looking Wufei. "Hello?!" 'Damn. That sounded too eager.' "Duo?" Came Quatre's gentle voice. 'Oh.' He didn't know whether to be disappointed or relieved. Maybe both. "Hi, Q." He closed the door in Wufei's face, not caring if he was insulted, and threw himself back onto his bed. "Duo? What's going on? Trowa and I just got back from L.A. and I can feel pain from you. What happened?" Duo gulped. 'Good old Quatre. You can't keep anything from him.' "Heero and I are having...difficulties." Quatre was silent for a moment. "I know." He said at last. "I knew this would happen." Duo sobbed silently for a moment. "As did I. But what could we do?" For a few seconds, the line remained vacant. "Was it about...?" "Ah. And he caught me hunting." "Oh my god, Duo. Gomen nasai." Duo shook his head though he was speaking on a phone. "Dameo. It's not your fault. It's mine. I should have been more careful. He shouldn't have... I shouldn't have done that." Quatre said nothing for long moments. "Duo. Just... Wait. Do nothing stupid, my friend. Promise me?" Sighing softly and blowing a gust of air into his bangs only to have them fall back into his eyes again, Duo answered. "Hai. Chigiru, tomodachi. Ja na." He clicked the phone off and dropped it to the bed, burying his head beneath the pillow. 'I have to go out. I can't stand being here anymore. I have to DO something.' He got up and took a moment to compose himself before opening his door and walking out to the living room. Wufei's eyes turned to him with unmasked concern. "Dai ja bu?" "Hekki." He said flatly. "I'm going out. I'll be back late." He walked to the door and stepped out. There were no stars and he heard thunder in the distance and caught the scent of rain in the air. 'Hn. Fitting. It smells like a storm.' He got in his car and headed for the nearest big town, just wanting to walk the streets. * * * Heero felt his back pressed against the bricks of the wall of the alley, nothing more than a few feet of space between the seedy bar and an old abandoned antique shop and lit by a dim halogen light. Hands insistent in their goal tried to lift his shirt. "No. Just the shorts. And let's make this quick." The man nodded. "Sure." He pulled a small, plastic packet containing a condom out of his pocket and began to unbutton Heero's shorts. He moved forward to kiss him, but Heero stopped him. "No. No kissing." The man nodded again. Heero closed his eyes. 'I have to move on. If that means nothing more than a fling for now, so be it.' He ruthlessly crushed the feeling of guilt he had for betraying Duo like this even as the more rational part of his mind argued that he was not being unfaithful. One could only be unfaithful if they had a person to be faithful TO. This meant nothing to either of them. * Duo walked along Camino Real. He looked up to the sky. A few raindrops fell from the heavens to grace him with their presence upon his skin and he smiled slightly. 'So like tears.' He thought as he continued to meander down the sidewalk. He heard something that sounded like a scuffle to his side, a few blocks down the way. 'Maybe I can take my mind off this after all.' He thought, intending to help who ever was in need. He raced around the brick building to see an alleyway. When he looked in, he stopped in his tracks, his eyes becoming wide and his heart screaming at him to run but his feet unable to do so. '.......Heero........' * "My name is Josh." Said the man as he unzipped Heero's fly. "What's yours?" Heero groaned. "It doesn't matter. Just fuck me." Josh chuckled slightly. "Be still my heart." He said sarcastically as he began to tug Heero's shorts down. Heero opened his eyes and closed them when he saw a deep amethyst. 'Kuso. I even see him when I OPEN my eyes.' He decided to keep his eyes closed, loving the rain that began to fall onto him and the man he was about to let_ 'Why did he stop?' He noticed that the man had stopped trying to undress him and himself and now the only sound in the alley was that of raindrops hitting the cement. He opened his eyes and looked into Duo's. '.......NANI?!' "Heero...." Heero gazed at his lover for long moments, unable to comprehend the situation that should have been so obvious had he not been drunk and had his mind not been reeling. Thunder cracked in the distance as the rain began to pour then, drenching both of them. Duo gazed back at him. Anger and hurt played in his eyes, but it was hard for Heero to tell if he was crying as they both had raindrops on them, small rivulets running down their skin to the ground. "Duo..." Heero looked to his feet to see 'Josh' crumpled on the cement. Out cold. He became angry at that. 'So now he's going to interfere with my physical life, too, ne? Not just my emotional.' "Duo... WHAT?! What the hell?! Why…?! You can't do that!" Duo growled slightly, flicking his bangs of the rain that drenched them, sending shining droplets flying through the air. "I just did." "Did you kill HIM, too?!" Heero demanded, though he saw the man's breathing. Duo looked hurt, though he covered it well. "Why are you out here with him?" "It's called ‘moving on’, Duo!" He hissed. "I have to move on!" Duo looked down at the man and now Heero could tell he was crying, though doing his damnedest not to show it. 'I have to be firm on this. Hold on to your anger. This is for the best.' "I WANTED to come back here with him, Duo. I wanted someone warm. Someone with a heart." Duo looked back up and the hurt in his eyes was apparent. "I have a heart, Heero." Grasping firmly to his anger, Heero sneered. "Do you? I’ve never once heard it beat." Duo looked as though he had been slapped. Hard. His eyes wide and injured looking. Pointing at the unconscious man on the ground, Heero continued. "I wanted someone human. HE isn't a murderer." * Duo flinched at that as if it had been a blow. "...Why?... Why do you say such things?" Heero's scowl deepened. "...I saw you kill that man. ...You enjoyed it." Duo looked away. He couldn't defend himself. What could he say? There was nothing he could say or do in defense of what he had done. Nothing. And Heero deserved someone who was not a killer. He looked back to Heero, feeling waves of anger and pain flowing from him. It was obvious that Heero still had feelings for him. But it was equally obvious that he was trying to quell them. 'I don't belong here.' He thought as he looked into the eyes of a man who no longer wanted him. There was a long moment of silence as the two stared at each other and rain poured down upon them, the only sound in the world for a short time. After a long moment, he spoke. "Good, Heero." He said softly. "Move on. Don't let me stop you." With that, he turned and walked out of the alley, sprinting to his car as soon as he was around the corner so no one would see him. He was unable to stop the sobs now, could no longer quell the groan of pain as he all but collapsed on the dirty, wet sidewalk and leaned heavily against the wheel of his car. He sobbed as the sky rained on him, wishing he had just stayed home in bed where he would have been blissfully unaware of what Heero was doing, would never have heard his dear ‘beloved’ say things so cruel. ‘God… Kill me… Please…’ The pain of the whole situation struck him again with an intensity that made him double over in almost physical agony. 'Heero...' * Heero watched him go, watched his lover leave, the tears welling in his eyes as he did. He wanted so desperately to run to him, to apologize, wipe away the tears that mingled with rain upon Duo's cheeks. But he stayed his ground. Watched him disappear into the night. 'Oh god.' He slunk down to the floor of the alleyway. 'How can I do this?' He held himself as he sobbed in a shivering ball in the rain. 'God. Make this end. Please make it end. I can't live like this.' He sobbed harder as he held his arms around himself. 'Duo...' * * * Duo sat on the floor of his room, an empty bottle of Vodka in one hand and a dagger in the other. Neither had any effect on him, but he held them anyway. He swiped his arm across his face yet again to wipe away the tears that wouldn’t stop. He stared blankly at the carpet in the dark and found that if he tried hard enough he could make out abstract shapes in the patterns. It was not something that could hold his interest, however, and most of the shapes were Heero, so he soon raised his eyes to the wall across from him and gazed at the surface. He extended his mind and flipped on the CD player, wanting something to listen to to keep him quiet both externally as well as within his mind. ‘I knew this was coming. I knew it. I should have listened to Teisei.’ I hear A voice say: "Don’t be so blind" It’s telling me all these things That you would probably hide. Am I Your one and only desire? Am I the reason you breathe Or am I the reason you cry? Always…always…always…always…always…always… I just can’t live without you! Duo pressed the blade to his wrist, dragging it across the skin, making a neat but deep incision, merely staring at the blood that only had a short time to flow before the wound healed. ‘This is what they want. All of them. They don’t know what it means. They don’t care. Solo tried to take this and make it his.’ He licked the blood from his arm, loving and hating it at the same time, and watched as the wound healed, wishing he had a wooden knife. ‘I’ll die before I let Heero do this to himself. I love the stupid bastard too much.’ I love you. I hate you. I can’t get around you. I breathe you. I taste you. I can’t live without you. I just can’t take anymore. This life of solitude. I guess that I’m out the door And now I’m done with you. Done with you…done with you…done with you…done with you…done with you… I feel Like you don’t want me around. I guess I’ll pack all my things. I guess I’ll see you around. He sighed and leaned his head back. ‘He doesn’t want to see me anymore. How am I supposed to just pick up and start again? The pieces of me are too small this time. How could he do this? How could either of us?’ It’s all Been bottled up until now As I walk out your door, All I hear is the sound. Always…always…always…always…always…always…always… I just can’t live without you! I love you. I hate you. I can’t get around you. I breathe you. I taste you. I can’t live without you. I just can’t take anymore. This life of solitude. I guess that I’m out the door And now I’m done with you. I love you. I hate you. I can’t live without you. ‘Hee-kun… I can’t do this. I won’t survive.’ I left my head around your heart...
He laughed at himself for that thought. ‘Actually… I think that that is a rather good plan.’ * It was Two in the morning and Heero could not sleep. So he was keeping himself busy. He was cleaning out his apartment of all things that reminded him of Duo, listening to his computer in the other room which was playing a loud rock song that he loved and felt was fitting. I see The blood all over your hands. Does it make you feel More like a man? Was it all Just a part of your plan? The pistol’s shakin’ in my hands And all I hear is the sound. He tossed a few hair bands that had been left, the food Duo had bought, even the towel that he had used when he had cut Heero’s hair. He walked over to his laptop and erased the picture Duo had done of the sunset. I love you. I hate you. I can’t get around you. I breathe you. I taste you. I can’t live without you. I just can’t take anymore. This life of solitude. Walking into his room, his eyes settled upon the jacket Duo had given him. He snatched it up to throw it away as well, but found he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He studied it for a moment before bringing it to his face and screaming, using it to muffle the sound. He formed it into a ball and tossed it into the back of the closet. He slammed the door and dove onto his bed, picking up the pillow and holding it over his head to keep the other tenants from hearing his sobs. I guess that I’m out the door And now I’m done with you. * Duo mused on the doomed relationship he had had with Heero. ‘That’s it. It’s gone. It was short lived, and it was Heaven, but nothing lasts forever, and now it is over.’ He gazed at the window for a moment. ‘…It will be dawn in a few hours…’ I love you. I hate you. I can’t live without you. I love you. I hate you. I can’t live without you. I just can’t take anymore, This life of solitude. I pick myself off the floor, And now I’m done with you. ‘I am not picking up the pieces this time. I can’t do it anymore.’ Always… Always… Always… He let the player select another track at random, knowing the CD well and unable to care what song it played. When it started, he laughed mirthlessly at the bittersweet irony of the song the machine had chosen. Look at me. My depth perception must be off again. Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did. It has not healed with time. It just shot down my spine. Duo looked at his healed wrist. Had he been human, the wound he had created, left unattended, would have been fatal. He wished he were human. You look so beautiful tonight. Reminds me how you laid us down And gently smiled Before you destroyed my life. ‘I had what I waited for.’ Would you find it in your heart? To make this go away? And let me rest in pieces? Let me rest in pieces. Would you find it in your heart? To make this go away? And let me rest in pieces? Let me rest in pieces. Look at me. My depth perception must be off again. You got much closer than I thought you did. I’m in your reach. You held me in your hand. ‘I had Heaven. We were so close to it. We had it in our grasp. I should have known better. Nothing that good could have lasted. Not even for the few years I had planned.’ Would you find it in your heart? To make this go away? And let me rest in pieces? Let me rest in pieces. Could you find it in your heart? To make this go away? And let me rest in pieces? Let me rest in pieces. ‘The shards are littering the ground in a thousand pieces. I always planned to die when Heero did rather than live on without him. I was nothing before I met him. I can’t go back to that. It doesn’t matter now. It’s over.’ Would you find it in your heart? To make this go away? And let me rest in pieces? Would you find it in your heart? To make this go away? And let me rest in pieces? Would you find it in your heart? To make this go away? And let me rest in pieces? Let me rest in pieces. ‘…Now I can die.’ Would you find it in your heart? He set the bottle and knife down, grabbed a stake, and walked into the living room. Keeping the weapon hidden, he fed an excuse to Wufei about needing to go for a walk, and headed outside.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wow. That was dark, ne? (ducks pitchfork and spears) Patience, mina. ^_^ If you kill the author, you won’t have anymore chapters. (shakes finger) …….Although I do so love cliffhangers... ^___^ Ja! ~Leia
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