|
"That Which Mends"Written By: SkyLark Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, or its characters. I just love playing with them. Pairings: 2x1x2, past 2xOC, 5xOC, 3x4 Warnings: Angst, Violence, Sap, Lemons/Limes, AU Archives: http://www.gundam-wing-diaries.150m.com/gw/SkyLark/gwSkyLark.htm
and http://www.mizunoamy.bravepages.com/skylark/skylarkfics.html Summary: Heero is a straight A student studying Psychology and finds his world turned upside down when he attends a Frat party.
"That Which Mends" [And I know dark clouds will gather me Chapter 16
[Flashback]
The nightmares were too much.
Even a whole week after his release from the hospital, he just couldn't shake them. If they didn't involve those poor girls that he had to leave to their monstrous captors, it was Anna or Meiran being shot... then there were those dreams involving all of those terrible things.
And as much as it killed him to admit it, there was no getting over them without... a little something to take the edge off.
Just a little trip to take the edge off... that's all it was.
Opening the tip of the bag, he was just about to bring it to his nose when a familiar voice gasped behind him, "Trowa!"
Wide-eyed, the undercover agent spun on his heels to find his lover standing in the doorway. His hair disheveled from just getting out of their bed, Quatre's own wide eyes reveled every bit of his shock, his hurt, his worry... and his disappointment.
That much was especially impossible for Barton to deal with. At least it was until disappointment melted into an anger that he never saw emanate from the blonde who was soon glaring at him with such ire that his face began to redden.
Closing in on him, Winner snatched the bag away and held it up. "If this is the only thing that's going to help you cope with everything, tell me now so I can save myself some trouble by leaving you now," he gritted through his teeth. "And I know you've used a couple of times since you came home, I just didn't know where you were getting this at the time. I'm not going to live like this."
His mouth opening and closing in a couple of attempts to speak, Trowa finally found his voice enough to breathe, "Quatre, I...." Hands shaking at his sides, his frustrations bubbled up and he shot a fiery glare back at his partner as he snapped, "You don't know what the fuck I had to deal with back there!" Gesturing to the bag and its contents, he growled, "That's the only thing that helps me get away from it all."
"Well, maybe if you started actually talking to me about what you went through instead of looking to this shit to cope, you might actually be able to deal with it!" Agent Rock shouted. "Do you realize that you haven't opened up to me about *anything* since you came home?!" Throwing his arms up in the air, he exclaimed, "If you're trying to protect me, I can take it, whatever it is!"
Biting his lip, Agent Night's eyes stung as his craving for the drug and his reasoning heart conflicted over what he really needed in that moment. Those dark memories were coming on all the stronger even as he stood there, fighting to have a clear thought while at the same time hating himself for hurting the one person he loved over all others.
That was the trigger Barton needed to come to his only clear option. Snatching the pouch, he pushed himself into the kitchen before his damaged body could change his mind as he moved for the sink were he spilled the blend of white sands and turned on the faucet to flush every last grain down the drain.
Collapsing onto the floor, he pulled his legs towards his chest as his entire frame shook. Winner was at his side and holding him fast before the Latin officer saw him move in. Clinging to one another on the floor, they allowed their tears to run unchecked as the emotions of everything they had been holding back came crashing down.
As devastating as it was on his physical state to not have the release it wanted, Trowa's only solace was in knowing that he was still around enough to have made the right call. If nothing else, he had that to find relief in.
[End Flashback]
* * * *
Heero finished making his notes then looked up to face his patient. "And you haven't had another hit since that night?" he asked kindly, his expression and tone free of any accusation.
"No," Trowa sighed, shaking his head. "And it's been months since I've even had a craving for it, but... Fortunately I wasn't in with those monsters long enough to develop any worse addiction that I what had for a while there." Shrugging, he stated, "Quatre's not one to bluff. And I'm not about to lose him, so I had to clean myself up."
Tilting his head, Yuy complimented sincerely, "That's extremely commendable of you. Yes, Quatre might have given you a reason to keep yourself clean, but you still had to put the effort into that challenge. Not many in your shoes would have been able to come out of it as well as you have."
Caught by surprise at the sentiment, Barton blinked widely at the counselor. "Thanks," he all but whispered. He shrugged, "But that was one of my terms with him and the others when I told them what I was dealing with... I needed to do it on my own or I'd only spiral back."
Lost to his memories, his emerald eyes lost their focus as he shared, "Duo, Wufei, Anna, Lady Une... They were there when I needed to talk. They kept me company whenever I called, dropping everything and sometimes having to stop over in the middle of the night. But they also gave me my space when I had to take on the brunt of it and I think that's what made the biggest difference."
Nodding, Heero was not at all surprised to hear any of that when it came to the other Preventers. They were as tight a group as any six individuals could possibly be. It as what made them such a formidable team in and out of the field.
"How are you sleeping now?" he asked in genuine concern.
Agent Night winced at that. "Actually, that's part of why I decided to meet with you," he frowned deeply. "Lately, those nightmares have been coming back... still not as often as they used to, but when they do come they're.. vivid and it takes me a while to realize that I'm still not in them after I wake up in a cold sweat." He shifted his head to motion to his shaking right hand, adding, "And that tic is getting stronger when my anxiety rises."
Chewing on the inside of his cheek, Yuy thought out his next question for a breath in time before he came out with it. "Is there anything from your mission when you were with that group that you'd like to discuss? Anything to get off your chest?"
Trowa snorted, "Other than the fact that it was the damned longest seven months of my life?" Rubbing the back of his head, he let out a puff of air and stared off through the windows behind the intern. "We've worked some pretty... fucked up cases over the years," he informed. "But that was the first time I ever got in as deep as I had been to see how some of the worst people ever devised operate..."
Heero swallowed roughly, but kept his appearance trained in a blank slate as he watched Barton's age a couple of decades before him. "Those girls... their screaming... I can still see, hear, smell... everything as if I'm still there to take it all in," the officer murmured.
"I was trusted by the ring leader, Donovan, as I was sent in to do, so I could get information on the other hidden sex rings throughout the state," Barton went on. "And in gaining his trust, I had to turn my backs on those poor girls who cried, begged, prayed for an end to their torture." Clearing his throat, he said, "The ones who were strong enough survived while a couple others found a way out by taking their own lives at the first opening. And to be honest, I don't know that the ones who lived are better off for having made it through that. Many of them were mutilated, broken, several will never be able to bear children and they're all going to have worse demons to battle than any I've had to face."
Trembling, Night muttered, "The worst was when Donovan tested my loyalty. There was this beautiful, little one, Tasha... he made me hold her down while he..." His voice trailing off as his eyes shimmered, he shook his head and couldn't go on with that.
Skin paling, Yuy bowed his head. What he had imagined in his mind when first learning of the case was nowhere near as bad as he was willing to allow it. Now there was no hiding from the terrible truth of what hells existed out in the world.
"Bad as that was, that wasn't the worst of the things I witnessed and had to turn my back to," Trowa spoke up after a long pause. "But I started dipping into their drug supply regularly after that just to get through my stay and do what I had to do, getting every last name and location out of that son of a bitch so that we could rescue everyone we could."
He slowly shifted his gaze back onto the counselor so their gazes could lock again. "That's just some of what I have to deal with at night," he concluded with another shrug as he finally refocused and returned to the present.
Letting go the air that he was only then aware he had been holding, Heero ran a hand through his unruly hair as he muttered, "Holy shit."
Trowa laughed, a real laugh with a smile that reached his eyes. "Yea," he smirked, "that about sums it."
Something that had always intrigued Yuy bubbled to the surface and he inquired, "How did all of you come to enlist as Preventers in the first place? You were all very young, my age now, when you started out."
The question hung in the air for a brief pause as Barton thought over how to respond. "I suppose that the others wouldn't mind my answering that," he said at last. "Full disclosure and all... besides the fact that you're a friend we trust." Grinning in appreciation, the counselor shifted slightly in his chair to make himself more comfortable.
"I guess the best way of describing it is that we were all wanderers, going though life without any real direction before we were discovered and offered the chance to come onto the team," the tall agent began. "We all just happened to be a little lost when Lady Une and the government paired up to create a new division in national security."
Looking to the intern, he said, "Aside from being pretty keen with computers, I had no specific field of interest to take up aside from being brought up in a long line of law enforcers from cops to judges. Being a police sergeant himself, my father taught me early on how to handle a gun and I became pretty good at it before long... so it only seemed natural that I follow suit and joined the academy when I graduated high school while staying enrolled in a few advanced IT courses that I took on the side just so I could keep up a hobby that I enjoyed."
Barton chuckled deeply, "It was fate, I guess, when it was announced that new cadets were being looked at to potentially be selected for a new federal branch. My name was added to the first list of candidates because I was one of the best shots amongst the people that were being considered for the roster. And there may have been others who were just as good with a firearm, but my skills in coding moved me to stand out."
"I was looking for something different when Lady Une approached me," Night smiled wistfully. "And her offer was too good to turn down in that I was the first brought into what she called an 'experiment in keeping national security in line.' She promised that I'd be seeing more intense and harder to solve cases that would make a read difference in protecting and serving. I signed on the dotted line not long into that meeting."
In conclusion, he commented, "That's basically how it worked for all of us. We all came from somewhere military, prestigious or some other form of notoriety and happened to be in the right place at the right time. Wufei was the next to sign on shortly after me, Quatre about a month later then..."
There was no anger over that, only acceptance and almost relief that Yuy picked up on. Obviously Barton was thankful that he didn't have to be the one to bring Long up.
Gulping, the officer nodded, "Yea. Meiran. It was about six months later when Anna and Duo were brought in at the same time and the rest is history for all of us. The Commander was smart to specify that her agents be as young as we were because most people working in the system after a while gain either a resentment for it or unbreakable loyalties whatever division they came from. She was looking for the latter, but to have her team devoted to the Preventers and the Preventers only."
He decided to take advantage of the agent's candidness to appease some of his own curiosities surrounding the team and how they operated.
Pen ready to scribble, the psych major asked, "Did all of you have any troubles adjusting to each other when the Preventers division was officially established? You mentioned how you all sort of wandered aimlessly up until then and most people in those situations have difficulty adapting to having a clear purpose and others."
The undercover officer paused, a glint of humor over irony in what he was about to say flashing in his unobstructed eye. "I supposed most people in our situations would have had problems, but that just wasn't the case for us. We all got along right away and worked together smoothly."
Barton crossed his legs and drifted off into trying to find the right words to sum up his thoughts. Then, his head lifting when he came to something he liked, he stated, "It was sort of like coming home... Natural. Comfortable. Where we belonged."
Which was exactly what continued to bother Heero.
For all intents and purposes, those clashing personalities should have imploded at a catastrophic level to where everyone on that team would have gone their own ways while permanently severing any tie to one another... but the exact opposite had happened. every psychology textbook, article and study he had looked into that centered around the psyche argued against such individuals being able to coexist so effortlessly.
In the back of his mind, the intern decided to get in contact with Odin Lowe before the end of the week. Clearly, there was an aspect to analyzing that was being missed. If he was going to be an effective psychologist, that would have to be corrected.
But he kept himself from further digressing from the session at hand.
Wrapping up another series of notes that he had been jotting down, he raised his head and asked, "After everything that you've been through in the last four years you've been involved with the Preventers, do you have any regrets about taking the offer up?"
At no suspire to the scholar, his patient did not blink or wait to say very clearly, "No. Not one. And I know that I can say in all certainty that every one of my teammates feel the same. We want to help others, always have for whatever our upbringings or motivations might be that embedded that in us. Of course we've all had to deal with hell but we knew what we were getting into. Meiran... she lost her life doing exactly what she wanted by saving others who couldn't defend themselves. She wouldn't have had it any other way, just like the rest of us."
Yuy smirked knowingly. He already expected that response. He had only brought it up to solidify that resolve in his friend by having him say as much. Still, he felt the need to comment, "You know, I didn't want this job when Lady Une offered it to me. I kept quiet during her announcement, but I was hoping that all of you would outright refuse having me come on as the division's counselor." To the wide, emerald eye that blinked at him, he snickered, "Hell, I did everything I could to stay away from here but then Quatre and Anna insisted I come on and I lost my bet with the Commander. She was going to let me walk off free and clear if she couldn't convince two of you that I was needed." "You're shitting me," Trowa laughed. "I know it's too late to warn you about this, but don't ever get into a bet with that woman when she's making the terms. She never gets into anything unless she knows she's going to win."
Snorting, Heero rolled his eyes. "Yea, thanks for that now." The agent was still snickering as he smiled, "But in all honesty, I actually... like coming here. And being any sort of support to you and the team is becoming more and more of an honor than anything I anticipated now that I'm getting to learn what it is you all do."
Barton sobered at the sincere profession. Somehow, learning how the scholar had originally bucked his new role put him more at ease in talking to him. Returning the smile, he stated, "Well, I guess that this wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be."
The intern barked out a sharp laugh. "That coming from you is a hell of a compliment," he replied with a lopsided smirk. Peering down at his notepad, he turned to the next blank page and began to write as he proposed, "As for your not being able to sleep at night, I have a suggestion that might be able to help-" "No meds," Night snarled, his defensiveness back tenfold as his whole body tensed and his visible eye narrowed. "I won't take any antidepressants or pills of any form. I won't be dependent on any medication."
Heero was nodding before the officer had finished his thought. "I'm not a fan of antidepressants for anyone battling substance addictions, so I wasn't even thinking of going there," he reassured, his head lifting so that their gazes could meet again. "Actually, I think you're doing great on your own and I was going to bring this class up as a way that you can continue on that path."
Frowning in confusion, Barton bent forward when the page that his friend had torn from the pad was held out to him. As he righted himself, he read aloud, "Body, Mind and Spirit Therapies."
The counselor explained, "It's a facility only about a fifteen minute drive from town, They have martial arts, meditation classes and other self-rehabilitation sessions there. Over the years, places like it have proven to be very successful in helping those with post traumatic stress and addictions. They have indoor and outdoor resources that you can use either as one of a group of people, one-on-one with a trainer or you can just show up and do the work yourself if that's what you want as well."
His growing eyes lowering back to the paper, Trowa muttered, "I... I never even knew that this was an option out there." Holding the page up, he asked the scholar, "No pressure? No questions? I can work at my own pace on whatever I need whenever I need it?"
"Yep," Heero grinned. "Seeing as how you're the type who needs physical and mental exercises to keep yourself balanced, I thought that it was the perfect alternative treatment to help keep you clean and still have some outlet to release a lot of the issues you deal with." Shrugging, he said, "It's my job... listening, as opposed to just hearing and coming to a conclusion that wouldn't work for you."
Several things washed over the agent's face- shock over what was being presented to him, guilt over assuming differently of the intern... but most of all relief at finally having someone who he could work out his struggles with. Biting his lip, he studied the name and address on the paper in his hand and whispered, "Thank you. I'll look into this."
Pleased to have actually assisted someone, Yuy couldn't help but smile. He rarely took pride in anything he did, but this was an exception. And it was further validation of the course he had set himself on as being the right one.
Changing the subject altogether by means of declaring that the actual session was done for now, Barton stuffed the paper into his pocket as he told his friend, "By the way, Quatre and I are hosting a game night at our house this Thursday after work. You're more than welcome to join us if you'd like. All we ask is everyone go in on our pizza order for dinner."
Momentarily stunned by the invitation, Heero nodded, "I'd like that. Thanks for the offer." Even more rare than taking pride in what he did was his willingly going in on anything remotely distracting from his studies or work... but then again it wasn't as though he had many opportunities extended to him before.
But, there was just something about this particular group of people that he continued to feel drawn to...
"Great. We'll get the address and directions to you before the end of the day. Thanks again for the talk," Trowa smirked as he stood up and began to head out at the same time that Heero stood and began to sift through the notes he had taken throughout their meeting.
Yuy cleared his throat, folding his hands together at his waist as he looked back to Night. "Yea," he responded in little more than a breath. "She didn't go into details, just told me what I needed to know."
Losing his nerve to continue on that course, he swallowed hard and frowned deeply, "Any one of us would have made the same mistake. I don't remember everything about that night, but I vividly recall how dark it was and how that rain on top of it was making it impossible to see beyond a few feet-"
His head shaking vehemently, Heero promised, "I won't say anything of it. Not unless Wufei brings it up first, just as you said." Taking a deep breath, he added, "As for the rest, you don't have to convince me that it was an accident. Granted, I haven't known him for long but I just don't see him as the type to act without a reason behind it... especially when it involves firing a weapon at someone."
Instantly, the officer fell at ease at having heard everything he needed to hear and the corners of his lips curled up into a grateful grin.
"Son of a bitch! Nononono!" Anna's voice cried on the other side of the wall, causing both young men to jump. The sound to follow was that of something spraying just as the smell of smoke filled the room.
Dropping his head, Trowa chuckled, "That's my boo." He looked out the window, commenting, "Well, at least it's a good day to be outside." A hand waving over his shoulder as he moved for the door again, he said, "Follow me. I'll show you the closest escape route." Heero opened his mouth to have his friend elaborate on what he was talking about when the fire alarms sounded. "Oh fuck me!" Downs shrieked over the blaring.
~ ~ ~ ~
Minutes later, everyone who normally would be inside of the federal building were gathered in their respective units and talking amongst themselves in the parking lot until the firemen that had responded to the emergency call inspected the building to clear it.
Waving, the redhead giggled nervously, "Um... hi, Commander." Pointing to the clear skies overhead, she ducked her head and shrugged, "Nice day to get some fresh air, huh?" Her teammates and Yuy snickered as they remained huddled close around her to keep the eyes of the other agents from noting the smears of soot and ash on her face and clothes to pinpoint her as the cause for the alarms.
If there was any anger that Middie had tried to hold onto for the weapons expert, it faded away when she laughed and shook her head. "Well, we were due for a fire drill anyway," she sighed in resignation. "And frankly, I couldn't begin to imagine or hope for the boring life I'd have without all of you in it." Her team replied with ear-to-ear grins.
Smirking, Heero murmured to himself, "Neither could I."
TBC |
