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"Dreaming"Written By: ShenLong Disclaimer: I don't own the G'boys, I just borrow them from time to time to play with and return them a whole lot happier, ne? I don't own the song "When I Can't Have You" either. It belongs to John Farnham and as such all rights are his. Pairing: 1xR, wishful 2x1 Warnings: Angst, sap, Duo POV, Song fic. Rating: PG 13 Summary: Duo attends a reunion of the pilots. He's harbored a love for Heero since the wars but has been unable to let the other man know of his feelings. He plans to tell Heero at the reunion and see if his dreams can become reality; but when Heero arrives with Relena, all those hopes are shattered. // Indicates song lyrics // Archive: http://gundam-wing-diaries.150m.com
"Dreaming" Oct. 2004 ShenLong
I rise wearily from my bed and stumble towards the bathroom where I proceed to relieve myself. Washing my hands after flushing, I splash some of the cold water against the skin of my face, trying to wash away the sweat of yet another dream. // Every time I look into the mirror, Raising my head, my twin stares back at me, dark circles appearing around the eyes, skin mottled with the flush of heat from the dream and cold water from the tap. I close my eyes, not liking the image I see and a shiver runs through my body. I turn and move back towards the bedroom to dig out some clothes to wear while my mind keeps running in circles and bringing me back to those thoughts; thoughts I shouldn't be having; thoughts that can only lead to destruction. For both of us. I close my eyes but it's futile, your face still appears, taunting me, reminding me of something that I cannot have; no matter how much I crave. // I ask myself is it a sin to be a sinner Can one be damned for their thoughts? Is it a sin for me to keep thinking about you, wanting you so badly it hurts? These dreams, they're all I have left now to indulge myself in. Is that so wrong? At least in my dreams I have you beside me, loving me, holding me, touching me; and nothing comes between us. I know that the good book says that one should not covert thy neighbor's wife... or was it goods? But you are hardly goods, or a wife, now are you? Which means, does that particular commandment relate to me? To my dreams? They also say 'Thou shalt not kill', but we did our fair share of that as well so I guess that one sin of the mind really isn't going to matter all that much considering I'm going to hell anyway. // 'Cause I know that we could never be, 'Too late' and 'If only' are the saddest words in the English dictionary; or so I'm told. I have no reason to disbelieve it. As much as I long for you, ache to hold you, I know it will never come to pass. Maybe, maybe if I had made my feelings known during the war then things might have turned out differently. But I couldn't afford to let you know how I felt. Fighting a war alongside a person you are romantically involved with isn't a good idea. Compromises are bound to occurr, and compromises can lead to failure. And failure was not an option to you. // I'm only make believing, So now all I have are my dreams, my fantasies, as I plod along through my daily existence. I had decided to tell you after the war how I felt and see if my pathetic hope of a relationship might be possible; but you disappeared. I waited patiently but you never returned, so I buried my feelings along with my heart, never to see the light of day again. But now, after all this time, you have returned; and along with that, so have my hidden feelings. Knowing that you were attending the reunion that Quatre was hosting gave me hope once more. I thought that maybe I would finally get my chance to admit my inner most secrets to you, but then I hesitated. I'm only deceiving myself to think that you could possibly return my love. // Tell me how could I I felt rather than saw you enter the room and made up my mind to tell you once and for all of my feelings, and so I turned around, smile firmly in place. Then my world shattered around me. You made your entrance; with her. I should have known better. How could I ever have thought I'd stand a chance with you? All those months fighting a war side by side, only to have her show up time and time again. Not that I can blame her though. She does have good taste. For someone who never told a lie I sure did a good job convincing myself that I stood a chance with you. // Dreaming is all I do, So I guess it's just going to be me and my dreams once again. It is painfully obvious to me now that you could never reciprocate my feelings for you, that you don't swing my way. The gold band on the third finger of your left hand confirms that. So I take what is left of my broken and battered heart and seek solace away from the laughter and gaiety of the reunion party. I need time, time to mourn my loss, time to pick up the pieces and locate the mask I've long since abandoned. I find a balcony, far enough away to offer me solitude but not far enough that the sounds of the party are completely obliterated. Fighting back tears of hurt I try to look on the bright side. What bright side? // Someone else can hold you like I want to, God, it hurts so much to see you with her; not that I bear her any malice, it's not her fault. It tears me apart to see her holding your hand, dancing with you, pulling you into her arms and kissing your sweet lips. It should be me that holds you that way; it should be me that kisses you so lovingly. It should be me that makes you cry with laughter. Fuck! I never knew how much pain a broken heart can exude. // Wish I could find a way to make it better, Watching you carefully from my hiding place in the shadows of the grand ballroom, I can't help but notice that all doesn't seem to be as it first appeared. There is a soft, subtle undercurrent to your body language; a clear sign to me that you are not completely at ease. I think I know your signals by now, after all I spent a great deal of time studying you during the wars. I wish I stood a chance, that somehow I could have let you know how I felt, maybe then this pain would be a little easier to bear. But that would be selfish of me now. If there are problems between you two the last thing you need is for me to make my feelings known and cause even more trouble. No, that is something I think is best kept locked away inside my aching chest. // 'Cause I know that we could never be, It's so unfair, life. As much as I want you it can never happen. I just need to accept that and move on, let it go and look to the future. You're married now and there is no place for me in your life. Sometimes you cannot have your heart's desire. // I'm only make believing, 'Yeah, Maxwell. Stop deluding yourself. You can never have him, love him the way that you want to.' I scold myself. 'He's happy with her, or so it would seem. Let it go and stop living in a fantasy world.' // Tell me, how could I Lying to myself; that's all I've done since I last saw him. Made myself dream that I could have a life with him; that he could be interested in a street rat like me. // Dreaming is all I do, Despite the knowledge that I will never have you in the way I long for, I'm not completely ready to give up my dreams. If nothing else at least I can retreat into my mind where all is happy and rosy and most importantly; I have you all to myself. // If I could be the only one that you'd come running to, // I'm jerked out of my reverie and look up to find you staring intently at me. I feel the furrow form between my brows as I try to figure out what you're doing here... alone... with me. I watch warily as your hand reaches forward. Surely you couldn't know. I never said a word, not to you or anyone. I bite my lip nervously and then shiver as your knuckles graze across my cheek. The silence between us is deafening. // If I could make the past undone, I would. // Something breaks inside me then and it slowly dawns on me that you care about me... that you care *for* me. Once more I feel the ache of loneliness inside and curse myself for being so weak, for not having spoken up long before now. How I wish I could turn back the clock. How I wish I'd had the nerve back then to have told you of my feelings. Right now I'd sell my soul to undo the past. // Sometimes I feel, it's the way you look at me. // Your deep blue eyes gaze at me and I'm left floundering. I can read so many varying emotions in those depths where before emotion didn't exist. And what I see only makes my heart beat faster; my legs turn to jelly and the lump swells in my throat. // The way that you do, when you know I can't have you. // Those eyes tell me so many things now; regret, unhappiness, resignation and it is then that I realize that you are also trapped in much the same way that I am. Both desperately wanting something that neither one of us can have. But to even attempt to change the situation would result in a misery for both of us that would be far worse than living without each other. Society has changed, but not that much, not enough to willingly accept two men together. And no doubt there would be public outrage should the husband of the head of the peace keeping force leave her... ...for another man. While I don't give a damn about my own reputation, I've been called many things in my young life, I love and care for you far too much to see you suffer that way. Eventually you would come to hate me and that is something I couldn't live with. I gently cup your cheek with my hand, search your face with my eyes and brush my lips softly over yours. The words come out easier than I'd thought, despite the lump in my throat. "Go back to your wife, Heero. She needs you more than I." I can see the sadness in those cobalt depths and whilst my inner turmoil rages and threatens to spill from my eyes, I somehow manage to stop it from happening. "I love you, Heero, always have and always will; but some things are just destined not to happen." "But..." "Shhh... I'll be okay. Forget about me, go back to where you belong, you'll work it out. Be happy." With one last kiss to those lips I turn and melt back into the shadows. // I'm only make believing, It cannot be, not now, not in the future and I would only be deceiving us both to think otherwise. // Tell me how could I I drift away from the reunion, neglecting to say my farewells. But I don't care. I lied to myself that there could have been an 'us'. Seeing you with her, understanding her dependence upon you I know it is not possible. She is dependent on you far more than I. // Dreaming is all I do, At least I still have my dreams. No one can take those away from me. So in one way I still have something of you... my memories. My memories and my fantasies, that's all I have left to keep me warm through the long, lonely road that is my life. If I can't have you... At least I can have my dreams. ~ Owari ~
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