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"Introspection"Written By: Ryouga Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam boys or any other character from the series. Warnings: Angst, Pov. Pairings: None Rating: PG 13, Heero’s Pov. Authors note: Introspection:: examination of ones own thoughts or feelings:: Heero made me write this^^;; Special thanks to Shenlong, my walking dictionary *snickers* Summary: This is a look at how Heero may have felt about his life, before, during and after the war of 195. Set atop of the balcony floor as Relena gives her speech, just before he disappears for a while. Date: 20th June 2004 "Introspection "
I hate being the perfect soldier. People seem to think that I am proud of that title, that I enjoy my solitary life; that I like to be alone and unsociable. After all, it is what I was trained for; wasn't it? Soldiers with missions like mine were destined to be hated and despised, but for some reason the popularity in that category lies with me. I've killed so many people and destroyed so many things that I can't blame any one for hating me, despising me, I guess I deserve it don't I? I've taken away loved ones from families, from their friends. Family... What is family anyway? I've never had one. I have never known the true meaning of 'motherly love'. Duo talks about Sister Helen being like a mother to him all the time, and he uses that expression fondly. I have no use for 'fondness'. What good would it do me? A killer, a murderer, an assassin and besides, popularity states that I am cold and callous, that I have no emotions, hold no remorse for what I have done; that, I suppose, is why I am so wracked with guilt about the past, that's why my heart cries constantly over the past wrongs that I have committed. Cold, cruel and callous, that's me in a nutshell. I need to find my true purpose in life. With the wars over, I have no idea what my next mission is. They did not train me for that, for a life other than destruction and such. Wu Fei, Trowa and Quatre seem to be content with working for Preventer, Wu Fei, I think, has an ulterior motive, her name being Sally. Trowa; he just seems to 'go with the flow' as Duo terms it. Quatre; Quatre is a walking mountain of ingenuity, his skills are impeccable when it comes to strategic maneuvers; they need him. Duo, he's still making up his mind, then again, so am I. It has merit working for a place that promotes peace, but all I have known is war. I've never really belonged in an environment like that. In fact I have never really belonged anywhere. I wonder what it would be like to belong. The one thing, that beleaguers me is the sudden need I have to belong. Duo has asked me to move into an apartment with him, but I'm a little unsure of my decision yet. Living in close proximity of another on a one on one basis is something I have never experienced; besides, I am planning to go away for a while. I need to think, to clear my head. Relena knows and although she hasn't mentioned anything, I know she knows. I think the others may be a little annoyed after I have gone, because I don't intend on saying anything. Relena won't say anything either, she understands me quite well and she knows I will return when I am ready. It puzzles me. Why do people have to assume things? Relena and I get on quite well, but it annoys us both that we have already been ‘married off’. She and I are quite close and we are similar in some ways and different in others; but we have both agreed that friends is all we want to be. She’s an interesting girl, with a nicely proportioned posterior, but Duo’s entices me more. Relena jokingly says I’m gay. To be frank and all joking aside, maybe I am, but I have no idea where my preference of gender lies. That’s really the only time I have ever thought about it. Duo on the other hand, I’m sure he’s gay, he made reference to something the other day and I had to think twice before I realized he was offering me more than just a shared apartment. I just ignored him as usual, thought he was jesting, but according to Quatre, I should have listened to the undertones. How was I supposed to know? I never grew up around ‘love’ and affection, or the idea of it. There was only room for a planned daily schedule in my child hood. My toys were computers, guns and explosives. My playtime, was revolved around assassination, hacking, espionage and target practice. I had already completed my first assignment at an early age. Shot him at point blank range. The one thing that I would like to know is… Who am I? What am I? Was I born? Was I created? And if I was, was killing and destruction my only goal in life? I’ve never been told. My name is not even my own, it was borrowed from an icon of the colonies. Am I his clone? The colonies needed a martyr; maybe I was a replacement, a substitute. Maybe I was born from his own DNA; it’s possible isn’t it? No one seems to know anything about my past or where I came from except the good Doctor and he refused to tell me anything more than I needed to know. All I needed to know. Well maybe I need to know more about myself. How can I even begin to think of building a life for myself if I don’t know who I am. I should just forget about it. Even now as I stand here watching Relena from the balcony one more time before I head off, I have already begun to let go a little of my unknown past. I’m wearing my own clothes, I have no gun in my hand and no desire to whisper those words that I have said on so many occasions over the past few years. Omae wo korosu. I expect those words will haunt me for more than just forever. I guess I can go now. Relena is doing just fine on her own. She never asked for my protection this time. That’s why I think she knew I had intentions to leave. She’s not the vulnerable, Relena we all knew a while ago. I really believe she’ll be alright now. All of the others bar Duo are down there supporting her. At least he had the decency to let everyone know that he had gone back to L2 to give Hilde a hand with the scrap yard. As for me… It’s time to leave. When I’ve worked out just what it is I’m feeling and how to cope with it. I’ll be back. Wait for me, Duo. Wait for me.
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