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" Abandon"Written By: Presser Pairings : 1+2 (Duo POV) Disclaimer : Gundam Wing characters aren't mine Rating : R (for language and intensity) Warnings : Deathwish angst (but no one dies) Spoilers: None, I think Feedback : Yes, please, both praise and crits
- it's how I learn
Abandon
It's funny how attractive a simple plastic container can appear when it holds the thing you need. Seems like I've been sitting on the bed for hours, but it can't have been more than 45 minutes - right? I mean, the sun hasn't gone down yet, and I came in after work, so... You know, that glass of water seems a bit dusty. Maybe I'd better refill it. I wouldn't want to catch anything from a stray microbe in the dust that might settle on the surface. But moving seems only remotely possible. Somehow I know that moving at all will only produce one particular motion, the one I contemplate daily now. It's why I don't move at all. It's why I've been staring at the water for 45 minutes. I sigh without moving. I'm so fucking tired now, but I don't dare lie down. No, that motion would simply inaugurate the one motion, the only sequence of events I want. I can read the label on the plastic container from here, even though the light is fading. How do they come up with those names? I remember the first time I took Trazodone. Knocked me for a loop. Supposed to help me sleep, but it really did a number on me. Traz is powerful stuff -- at least to /my/ body and mind it is. It wasn't long after I started on Traz that Heero began asking me why I was having trouble sleeping. Isn't it funny, that I didn't know how to tell him? Even funnier: I still don't know how to tell myself. I find it fascinating how the forces urging me to move and the inertia keeping me from it are perfectly balanced. I think this moment could very well last forever, except that I don't want it to. I want the pain to end. God, even thinking about it makes me want to move, to reach for that bottle. Leaving your lover -- what does the old song say? "Fifty ways to leave your lover." Yeah, well the one not on the list is mine. Wouldn't you know I'd come up with the odd way out. Who in the fuck leaves by staying? Who but Duo Maxwell? Heero didn't even blink when I refused to tell him what was happening inside me. Didn't even blink. Just said his famous "Hn" and walked out of the room. God, how I loved him. We could have been great together, just great. If I had only told him... * * * I remember the bitch slaps, the stomach punches, the lust-hazed look that every one of my "clients" had. In the end, I realized that I was nothing more than a convenience, a dixie cup made of flesh to catch the jizz of the john of the evening. I remember crying, and learning not to cry. I remember when I first turned happy - the ultimate defense against my own mind. I remember.... * * * Heero would never have understood. No point in telling him. No point at all. So here I sit on the bed, wishing he had stayed, wondering why I did nothing to keep him here, and understanding all too well that he did the right thing to protect himself from me by leaving. Leaving was the right thing to do, Heero. I don't blame you, even though I was hoping... Nah, that kind of talk gets you nowhere. I sigh once more without moving. Damn, but my eyes are heavy. I'd really like to sleep now, just sleep, sweet rest.... All I have to do is reach out, and I'll have what I
want. Sleep, that is. And I laugh out loud at my little joke. As my body vibrates through the thin rasping laughter, I realize I've started to move. "No time like the present," I say to no one. Thumb on lid -- amazing how simple it all is. Why do they manufacture something so potent anyway? Better question: why do they let people like me have it? Damn. I can't leave a mess -- better pick up the pills I've scattered across the floor. Probably need all twenty of them, anyway, to do it. I lean over the bed, lying down on my stomach, reaching down with both hands to gather my treasure. And the door clicks. I freeze. "Duo?" I hear my name, but I am silent. "Duo? Are -- are you alright? I came back because...because..." "God, Heero, say it. Tell me what you came back for." Even though I scream the words, Heero hears nothing. I turn my head from the door, surprised to feel tears on my cheeks. "Duo, I came back because I couldn't stay away. I couldn't leave you like this." Like this. I snort softly in derision. Of course, the guilty conscience. Can't have any loose ends, can we, Heero, baby? Can't leave without saying to yourself that you "really tried" your best to help me, right? "Duo, say something." I say nothing. He crosses the room, then sees the pills on the floor. One of my tears chooses this moment to fall from my cheek to the dirty linoleum. He crouches, puts his hand on my head. "Duo?" Softly, so very softly. I could almost believe he cares. "Duo, please, will you look at me? Please?" I shift my back toward him. "It -- it doesn't have to be like this. I didn't come back to 'check on you,' Duo; I came back because I'm selfish. I came back because I need you, Duo, and I don't think I can live without you in my life. Do you hear me, Duo? I came back for me. I shouldn't have walked out on you. That was selfish, too. I just didn't know what else to do, and so I did the wrong thing. Please, Duo, forgive me." "Please, Duo, look at me. Do you hear me at all?" "Duo?" He turns my face toward his, pushing me gently over onto my back. He sees my tear-streaked face. "God, Duo, please! If you can find it in your heart to forgive me and let me come back to you, I promise I'll never ask you again. I'll leave you alone to your thoughts, no matter how dark they are. I'll never ask you what you're thinking, or why you're down, or --" I reach out and touch his hair, and begin to sob like a newborn. He wraps his arms around me, squeezing the life into me. "It's okay, Duo. I'm here, I'm back. I won't leave you again. We can work through this, if --" I cradle his face in my hands, unable to speak. Finally two words come: "Hold me." As Heero takes me in his arms, I abandon myself to life at last. ~Owari~ |
