"Searching"

Written By: Persephone

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Gundam Wing so don't sue; just enjoy!

Rating: R due to angst and swearing

Warnings: Angst, Death, Sap, Swearing but happy ending!!

Pairings: Heero and Hilde, mention of 3+4, 5+S

Summary: Four of the pilots die, leaving Heero and Hilde alone. Can they make a life for themselves after this crushing blow?

Searching

 

 

Heero stood in the rain, surrounded by Preventers, and people he had never met but had been touched by the Gundam pilots. While he knew the Preventers, they weren’t his friends, he thought grimly. He had never taken the time to make friends. He would always have the other four Gundam Pilots, there was no need for anyone else...or so he thought. He glanced up at the sky, dark and gray, reflecting his mood. The sky wept for him, for the world, wept the tears he didn’t have.

His gaze settled onto the ground as the voice droned on and on. The pastor’s words were meaningless. He had never met them, had never heard Duo crack a joke in the middle of a death-defying mission, had never listened to Quatre’s sweet music, seen Trowa’s magnificent circus act, or ignored Wu Fei’s rantings about justice. His gut clenched as the coffins were lowered slowly, together, down into the ground. Panic reached up to claw at his throat, aching to get out, but he forcefully pushed it back down. His best friends were dead, killed by a crazed group of terrorists, wanting revenge for the death of their leader during a raid by the Preventers. The four men, waiting for Heero to join them at their weekly dinner meeting never saw the waiter coming with the bomb taped to his chest, never saw him push the detonator, never saw Death. But Heero did. He had been walking into the restaurant, late, when the bomb blew. Had seen the looks on the faces of the four men who were everything to him as they noticed the deranged man approaching them. He saw Duo’s grim acceptance, Wu Fei’s grimace at the injustice of dying without an honorable death, Trowa’s urgent need to step in front of Quatre; to protect his love, and Quatre’s horror at the thought of the bomb going off in a public restaurant.

He blinked as the people began to depart. It was over. His friends were buried, forever. He looked around him. Lady Une in her uniform, no tears graced her face but her eyes were filled with pain. Noin was crying into Zechs’ chest, his arms wrapped securely around her in comfort. Catherine was surrounded by members of the circus, her boss’ arm around her shoulders as she wept. The Mauganacs all had their hats off and tears streamed down their faces unchecked as they mourned the loss of their leader. Sally Po was standing regal and proud as tears fell from her eyes to the ground, her engagement ring glinting in the light from the lanterns surrounding the graves. Wu Fei would never be her husband, He was the last of the Dragon Clan and they were no more. But then her hand crept over her still-flat stomach and Heero allowed himself a moment of relief. The Dragon Clan would continue. Sally would see to that.

He turned to go but his eyes rested on the last person, standing away from everyone else. Hilde, Duo’s best friend next to Heero. Like him, she shed no tears. Her gaze was calm as she met his and her grip tightened on the hand of the little boy crying at her feet. Duo’s son but not Hilde’s. He had been married for two years, but the mother of the baby had died during the birth and so he and Hilde had raised little Solo. She was now his legal guardian, as told by the will. She bent and picked him up, cradled him against her chest as he cried and waited for the crowd to disperse. She stood, stoic and proud through many condolences and whispers of regret. As Heero did. She pressed Solo into Noin’s hands and waved good bye to the boy from where she stood. Noin had offered to take him for the weekend, so Hilde could deal with Duo’s things and grieve in peace.

When finally they were the last two standing in the rain, they faced each other in front of the fresh graves. Hilde raised pain-ravaged eyes to meet Heero’s emotionless gaze, her vision blurring as tears began to spill and her composure finally left her. He knew she was alone right now, just as he was. They were as close as she and the other three pilots were but they had never been as close as Duo and Hilde. But he knew what he needed to do; for him and for her. He held out his arms and she sought refuge in them as she lost control of the savage pain eating her alive. She had held a special place in all five of the pilots’ hearts, they had all loved her in some way and now fourwere gone. They had been her family and now she was alone. Heero and Hilde slid to their knees in the rain, wrapping their arms around each other as she screamed her agony. He rocked her in his arms, her pain touched his, broke through the dam he had built to ward off his own tears. But they couldn’t be held back and came unbidden to his eyes and fell, mingled with the rain soaking their clothes. The perfect soldier was no more, replaced by a broken man, lost in his grief as emotions came flooding to him in a rushing tide that he was defenseless against. Her sounds of grief finally slowed and she pulled away to look up at him, pushing wet hair out of her face. She cupped his face in her slender hands as he continued to cry and he looked at her helplessly.

“Hilde...I...why can’t I stop crying?” fresh tears welled up in her eyes and fell as his own shaking hands reached up to brush them away, his eyes closed and he pulled her to him again, crushing her in his embrace as they shared their grief. “I’m the only one left...I’m alone...”

For hours they sat, cradle in the other’s arms, as they watched the graves settle in the rain. Finally, their tears dried and Heero and Hilde stood on shaking legs and walked to their cars. He stood next to hers, awkward and aware of the emotions he had displayed for her. She bit her lip and looked up at him and then reached out and tangled their fingers together. “Heero, come stay with me. You shouldn’t be alone and neither should I.” He gazed at her, looked down at their clasped hands, considered, and then gave a short nod. While she watched him walk to his car, Hilde sighed. All she wanted was to be alone but he had already seen her collapse once, she couldn’t do any worse than that, could she?

They got into their cars and he followed her to her house, carefully reconstructing the wall around his heart, building it block by agonizing block, preparing himself so that he would survive what needed to be done. What he needed to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Part Two~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He watched her, silently, as she made coffee. Every time their eyes locked he didn’t bother to look away, just continued to watch her, waiting for...something. She didn’t know what. All she knew was that it was driving her insane, the way he could completely break down and then in less than twenty minutes during the drive to her house, become completely composed and indifferent. It was infuriating, not to mention unfair. Her nose was still red, her hair tangled from air-drying in the car, her face haggard and pale. She had seen herself, she knew she looked horrible but he looked fantastic. She knew why Relena had fallen for him. And now, looking at him, she knew why Relena had given up. He acted as though he hadn’t just lost his four best friends, hadn’t seen them die, hadn’t cried for them, like he didn’t have a care in the world. But Hilde was different than Relena. She wasn’t in love with him, it didn’t hurt that he wasn’t open all the time. She had held him as he cried and he had held her as she cried. As far as she cared, they were even. And she didn’t want to deal with someone else as emotional as she was. Her hold on her emotions was tentative to say the least, she was barely maintaining a sane thought and just wanted to go to her room, where she could cry and grieve and make as much noise as she wanted. She needed to mourn alone but she knew the boys wouldn’t have wanted Heero to be alone.

The beeping of the coffee pot broke through her thoughts and handing Heero his cup of coffee, led him into her living room. Her house was small because she, Duo and Solo hadn’t needed a lot of space and she liked being close to everyone. But now she felt the walls closing in, everything reminded her of Duo and the crushing blow of what she had lost. If she didn’t get to her room soon, she was going to lose it. She took a deep breath and forcibly held back her tears. Her pride couldn’t take a second round of breaking down in front of someone else. So, she plastered a fake smile on her face as he watched her. They both knew it was fake and she studiously ignored broaching the subject, instead she talked about simple, mundane things that didn’t involve anyone they knew or anything that had happened.

Finally, she set her mug down, conversation exhausted. She couldn’t think of another stupid thing to say and he had only answered her with one-syllable replies. She avoided his eyes; she didn’t like his gaze. It was empty, but direct. Emotionless, but compelling. It was too much work, now, to hide from it so she pretended he wasn’t looking at her.

“Hilde” his subdued voice jerked her head around to meet his eyes and she smiled weakly in answer. “You don’t have to stay out here with me. Go to bed, you’re tired and I’m not much company. I’ll be fine on the couch.” she started to protest but his frown sent her from the room gratefully.

After seeing that he was settled with blankets and pillows, she slipped on her pajama pants and a long sleeve shirt and paced around her room. She released her hair from its clip and it fell softly around her shoulders. With a sigh of relief, she felt the merciless headache begin to fade. But it didn’t last long as Duo’s closed door caught her eye from inside her room. She faltered in her step and knew what she had to do.

Squaring her shoulders, Hilde walked from her room to Duo’s room, across the hall. She had avoided it for a week, now. It had to be done and she wanted it over with. She had to go into his room, see his possessions, touch them, see and feel him everywhere. It was going to kill her. But she wanted to get it done before Solo came home, before he could be reminded that his daddy was gone forever.

She stepped into Duo’s room and pressed a hand to her mouth, trying to hold back the sobs that threatened to overwhelm her. ‘I can’t do this, I can’t do this!’she thought frantically. His room was so neat, so orderly. After having nothing for so long as a child, Duo had been careful about everything. His possessions were always clean, always put back where he found them, as if they would disappear before he could find them again if he placed them somewhere else. She started to back out of the room, the memories were too fresh, the loss too soon. She had almost made it to the door when a picture of her family caught her eye.

They had taken Solo to an amusement park for his birthday one year and they had gotten goofy hats and taken their picture. He was cradled between Duo and Hilde and all three were smiling like mad. Duo was giving Hilde bunny ears and she returned the favor right as the photographer snapped the picture.

She raised a trembling hand to touch his face, trace his image as the picture blurred and went out of focus and the tears fell from her eyes. She couldn’t hide from it anymore. Reality set in and clutching the picture to her chest, Hilde curled up on Duo’s bed and wrapped herself around his pillow. Sobs wracked her body as she smelled him; his shampoo, his body, the clean smell of laundry soap.

In the living room, Heero’s sensitive ears picked up her sobbing and he nearly went to her but he knew the heart-breaking sounds of grief weren’t meant for anyone’s ears so he wrapped himself in a blanket and laid down on the couch, shutting his eyes as if to ward out the sounds of her mourning.

When Hilde woke up the next morning, it was to sunlight and happy laughter from the neighbors. She uncurled her aching body and eased herself up into a sitting position. She glanced outside to see the kids playing in the street. How could they not know? Today was the first day that Hilde had to firmly believe that Duo was dead. He was never coming back. Before, without seeing his grave, she could pretend. But now, now there were no excuses or dreams to hide from. Her best friend was dead...dead...dead. She kept repeating the word in her mind. Death had taken Shinigami from her and she, in turn, wanted to curl back up and die, hold out the world, pretend her family was still in her arms. But she couldn’t. Solo needed her and she would have to live for him, now.

She stumbled out into the kitchen and met Heero on the way in. He nodded to her and then handed her a cup of steaming coffee. Two creams, no sugar. He knew, just from last night, how she took her coffee. Duo had known the second time, too. Her hand started to shake and she nearly spilled the coffee. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, schooling her features. When she opened them, Heero was watching her, as if waiting to see if she would choose to live in the past or the present. She took a sip of coffee and nearly gagged as her unsettled stomach heaved but she forced it down and grimaced. He was still watching her.

She went to the fridge and pointed for him to sit at the table in the center of the room. “Are you hungry? I could make you eggs, I have bacon...maybe some toast?” he slowly shook his head and she sighed, “I’m sorry, I’m used to feeding an army of two every morning” she froze and her hand leapt to her mouth to stop any more memories from coming out. She blindly sat in a chair and dropped her head into her hands.

“Heero, help me. Solo can’t see me like this! What am I going to do?! I need to pull it together but everything reminds me of Duo, of the other three. I can’t stop remembering, I want to stop!” ‘I’m hysterical.’ she though numbly, her voice shrill and panicked.

Heero reached over and tilted her chin up, a firm hand cupping her jaw. “Breathe.” her mouth opened and she gasped as air returned to her lungs. She hadn’t known she was holding her breath. Her fear-filled eyes locked with his and his lack of emotion made her angry, forgetting for a moment, the pain.

She stood up, jerking herself from his grasp. He sat back, surprised as she ranted and raved at him, “Goddamn you, Heero! Why?! Why don’t you feel anything? You sit there as if you don’t know that the four people closest to you are dead. They’re DEAD!! Murdered for their past, for your past. Doesn’t that upset you at all? Make you want to scream and cry? How can you do it? Is one day really all it takes for you to get over what happened? Yesterday, at the funeral with me, you cried in my arms! Tell me your secret, please! How can it not still haunt you! One day, Heero...is that all they meant to you? Why don’t you feel like I feel? Why can’t you grieve?” his jaw clenched more with each word, but she was too lost in her words to notice that with each phrase his body grew stiffer, tighter like a coiled spring, until finally, his control snapped and he stood up as well, towering over her. He backed her against the fridge and imprisoned her there, an arm on each side of her body, pressed against the cool metal.

He bent his head, titling downwards, forcing her to meet his gaze, his voice filled with contempt, “You want me to feel? You think I have no feelings? What the hell do you know about me, Hilde? What gives you the right to judge me? Yes, you’re right! I don’t want to feel because I don’t think I can bear it if I let my emotions free. I’m grieving, silently and in my own way. I’m going to find who did this to them and I’ll kill them. Slowly, painfully, I’ll get my revenge, giving them what they gave my friends. Would you rather me be like you? Hysterical and useless. You have a child. Granted, he’s not yours, but Duo’s. But, you still have a piece of him. I have nothing of my friends but worthless memories and cold, glossy pictures. They won’t make my nights any warmer or chase away my pain but you have Solo to comfort you. I have nothing. So do not demand of me what I cannot give. I have nothing but revenge. Until then, I won’t grieve. Rest assured, when I do break down and lose it, like you just did, I’ll call you up so you can watch me as I fall apart. Retribution for not getting to find comfort in shared grief.” with that he pushed away from her and grabbed his jacket. He walked out of the door without another word. He never looked back..

Hilde slowly sank to the floor, resting her head on her knees and cried. Not for her, or for what she lost, but for Heero. Because he couldn’t.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Part Three~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three years later, Hilde waited for her son, now eight, outside of the school. When she saw the teacher walking Solo out, berating him gently, she sighed in exasperation. Her son was just like his father. Duo had always been getting in trouble, loved making mischief, so did his son. He looked so much like his father. His big violet eyes searched her face when they reached her, waiting for his punishment. She merely held out her hand and watched his face light up as he hugged her. She couldn’t help a smile as the teacher tiredly explained what he had done. He certainly was creative, she had to give him that.

Hilde leaned down to listen to him as he chattered about his day as they walked to the car. She felt eyes watching them so she lifted her own and searched the crowd. Not seeing anything but still feeling unsettled, she hustled her son into their car and headed for home.

The scrap yard was doing fabulously, better than she had ever dreamed but she refused to move out of their little house. There were too many wonderful memories to share with her son. Duo’s son.

As she made dinner, she watched Solo playing outside in the fenced-in yard with their dog. He had wanted to call the puppy Deathscythe after his father’s gundam but she had refused, saying it wasn’t a dog’s name. Instead, he had called it Rashid, after the strange man who came periodically to check on Hilde and say hello. Hilde had always told him Rashid was a good friend so it made sense to him.

She was about to call him in for dinner when she tripped over something on the floor. With a chuckle, Hilde bent to pick up a stuffed animal resting at her feet beside the table. As she rose from her position, she froze. Her eyes landed on scuffed yellow sneakers, traveled up strong, jean-clad legs, over a trim waist, a solid chest covered in a long-sleeved blue shirt to meet a man’s discerning gaze.

“Hello, Heero” Hilde set the bear on the table with exaggerated care and rubbed her hands along her jeans to gain her more time. She felt frumpy, in her ripped up jeans and oversized shirt. She motioned for him to sit as she pulled out a dining chair and plopped into it. “So you were the one following me. I wasn’t sure, but I had my suspicions.” She looked him over, carefully, looking for something, anything to show she was forgiven.

He rested his arms on the table and clasped his hands together. “I’m sorry I startled you. I wasn’t sure it was you, until I saw Solo. He’s the mirror image of Duo.”

“No, it’s fine, to be honest, it was almost reassuring. Isn’t it uncanny? He refuses to cut his hair because he’s seen many pictures of Duo and his braid.” Hilde waited a few seconds before continuing, searching his eyes. She didn’t find what she was looking for. “I’ve been waiting to say this to you for a long time. I’m sorry...for what I said three years ago. It was horrible and wrong, and I’ve felt awful since the words came out of my mouth! I was hurting and you were there and I lashed out. I’m so sorry.” she covered his clasped hands with hers, trying to convey her apology through touch.

He opened his palms under hers, so they rested together, “I understand and I apologize, as well. What I said was inexcusable and I hope you’ll be able to forgive me.”

She tangled her fingers with his, her thumbs rubbing the warm skin on the back of his hands, “You were forgiven the minute you walked out. Did you...did you find what you were looking for?”

He looked at her, appraising her and jerked his head in a sharp nod, “Hai, they are avenged. Their murderers are dead.” she closed her eyes briefly and opened them again. He narrowed his eyes, trying to see her reaction. She smiled tremulously, “Thank you, Heero, for doing what I could not.”

“What does avenged mean?” They both turned to look at the little boy, covered in dirt, standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

Hilde was up in a second, “Solo Maxwell! I cannot believe you dared to come into my house looking like you do! What did you get into? No! No..don’t move, stay right there, mister. I can see the dirt flying already.” Her words were chiding but her voice held little more than resigned love.

Solo peered over his mother’s shoulder as she knelt before him with a washcloth and a towel, taking off his shoes. He tugged on her arm with one dirty little hand, “Mommy, there’s a man in the kitchen...a big man.”

Hilde leaned back on her heels. “Yes, baby. The big man is a friend, his name is Heero Yuy.” she brushed his bangs out of his face. His eyes widened as Heero got up and walked towards them. He stepped away from his mom, pushing her nagging hands back towards her and straightening his back, standing tall (for an eight year old).

Heero bent down in front of him, resting on the balls of his feet. “Hello, Solo.”

Solo looked him up and down before holding out his small hand like he had seen the men on television do before. “Hullo, Mr. Yuy. I’m eight years old and I like to play with my new dog, Rashid. Do you like dogs?”

Heero’s eyes widened and then crinkled at the corners as he smiled, the first genuine smile Hilde had ever seen him make. “Rashid is your dog’s name? Wow, that’s a great name...I love dogs. I’ve always meant to get one but I just never seem to have the time. Can you show me your dog?” Solo grinned up at him and tugged at his hand. They had reached the door before he skidded to a stop and looked back at his mom.

“Mommy, can Heero stay for dinner? Can he, please? I gotta show him my dog! And then we gotta play in the sand...I have great trucks...oh! Then we can build a tree house...” his voice faded away before Hilde could answer him as he led Heero outside. Hilde turned to watch them through the window over the sink. She sighed. Her baby boy was growing up, getting to the age when he needed a father figure and felt the loss of not having one. She watched carefully, waiting to see how Heero would act around her son. She laughed in surprise as his face lit up when he saw the eager puppy, when her son continued to treat him like a normal person, like a friend.

Solo was climbing the tree in the yard, trying to show Heero where he wanted the tree house to be when he slipped on a branch and began to fall. She gasped and whirled to run out the door. She was halfway across the yard before her frantic mind acknowledged that her son was securely held in Heero’s protective embrace. He was waving at her, excited to have been the cause of so much excitement. She laughed in relief and turned back to the kitchen. Just as she was stepping into the doorway, Solo called her back.

He leaned precariously down from Heero’s embrace and Hilde almost laughed at Heero’s startled expression. Solo was a wired bundle of energy, “Mommy, you wanna help us build the tree fort? It’s gonna be great!” even though his voice and expression conveyed welcome, she saw right through him. He wanted to be alone with Heero, wanted to take in as much time with a “real man” as he could. So she declined gracefully and headed back to the kitchen to stall finishing dinner.

Later that night, she and Heero were out in the yard, admiring the half-finished tree fort. Cradling a cup of coffee in her hands, Hilde watched him as he sipped his own coffee. “Thank you for spending so much time with Solo. He’s been wanting a tree fort for so long and I went out and bought the supplies and everything but we just never had the time. You’re great with him.”

Heero shrugged off the praise. “It was part of my training. I needed to know how to interact with kids in case I came into contact with them in order to fit in and not seem suspicious. Your son is a great kid. It was easy.” she smiled at that and sat down on the deck steps.

Heero sat next to her with an easy grace belying his powerful body. She looked at his profile. “Heero...”she waited for him to turn to her, “Tell me.” he understood what she meant.

He took a deep breath, “I found them. It took a while for me to find a lead but once I did, it was ridiculously easy, as if they wanted to be found. They were part of Dekim Barton’s regiment, the elite force that refused to surrender. They scattered at the end of the last war. There were five men...one for each of the Gundam pilots. Before I killed them, they told me I was supposed to be at the table so the bomb would take me out. The one time I was running late because I wanted to get them all something for our reunion.” He looked up at her, his eyes filled with so much pain and guilt that the breath caught in the back of her throat and she nearly whimpered. “I was supposed to die, but instead, I got to watch my friends die. I deserved to die. They didn’t. I was so naive. I had it all figured out, Hilde. I was gonna get my revenge and once I did, I’d breathe easy, the pain would go away. Well, I got my revenge but it isn’t nearly enough. What am I going to do now? For the last three years I’ve had a purpose and I lived for it. But now...I still have nothing and I’m still alone!” He clenched his fist and slammed it down on her wooden steps, making the cups rattle. She pushed them aside and scooted up next to him. She opened her arms wide, waiting and with a ragged sob, he fell into them. She wrapped him tightly in her arms, his face buried in the crook of her neck as she murmured phrases and words of comfort. He began to cry, clutching at her, trying to immerse himself in Hilde, to lose the pain.

And for the first time in three years, Heero Yuy wasn’t alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Two years later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mom! Hey Dad! I’m starting pitcher!” Solo Mawell-Yuy raced across the parking lot to meet his parents as they got out of the car, “The game’s about to start, hurry up, you guys! Geez, how come my parents are always the late ones?” He skidded to a stop in front of his dad and grinned up at him.

Heero Yuy tapped on his son’s baseball cap and pulled the brim down over excited violet eyes. He laughed at the suffering sigh he received and reached down to adjust it. Hilde reached his side and handed him the baby bag he automatically reached for. And the baby girl that followed it.

Hilde bent down beside her son and pulled him into her arms. She ignored the embarrassed yelp she got and hugged her son tightly, “We’re so proud of you, honey. Now remember, it’s not whether you win or lose-” she broke off as Solo finished the sentence for her and glared at Heero as he chuckled.

“ ‘-It’s how you play the game.’ I know, Mom, I know. But you gotta admit, you get treated a whole lot better if you win the game! I gotta go get into line, but I’ll see you afterwards! Bye!” He turned and was about to run off when he whirled around and reached up to give his little sister a sloppy kiss on the cheek and then jogged back to the field.

With a last call of ‘Good luck’, Hilde stood up and went to her husband. He greeted her with a warm smile and she felt the now-familiar tingle in her stomach.

She wrapped her arms around his waist and and smiled back at him when his free arm pulled her closer to him. “I love you, you know.” she murmured.

“I should hope so, as I’m the father of your latest child” Hannah gurgled in his arm and grinned toothlessly at them as if she knew they were talking of her. His throat tightened as he looked at his family, one across the parking lot waving madly at them, the others in his arms. “I love you, Hilde.” She slipped out of his embrace with an emotion-filled chuckle and clasped his hand in hers. Together, they walked across the parking lot and found seats in the bleachers to watch their son play baseball.

Later that afternoon, when Hilde sent him to the store to get more hotdog buns for the team barbecue at their house, Heero stopped off at a familiar place. He pulled four bundles of flowers out of the back seat of his car and walked through the cemetery until he reached four grave markers resting side-by-side.

Heero knelt before each one and laid the flowers before the gravestones. He sat back on his heels in front of them.

“Hey guys. I know I haven’t been here in the last month but things got really hectic at home and I had to postpone my usual visit for a couple of weeks. I hope you don’t mind. Hell, I even brought you more flowers than usual to make up for it!

You know, when the bombing happened and I lost you, I didn’t know how to go on. I had lost my entire family in less than one hour and I was lost and alone. I grasped onto the only thing I could. Revenge. And before you even think about berating me, you would have done the same and you know it!

Hilde doesn’t know the exact date I finished my self-imposed duty and I don’t either because I wasn’t keeping a steady calender during my hunt. But today is an incredibly important anniversary and I need to share it with you.

You see, today is the day I went to Hilde’s house after...you know. I was back to square one; lost and alone. Until she welcomed me into her house, let me build a tree house with your son, Duo. And then, she held me while I cried.

So I don’t know what to call today. I don’t think I can even give it name. But let’s just say, for Wu Fei’s need for organization, that today is the day I stopped being alone, stopped being dead, and started living again.

Now, don’t get in a huff. I haven’t forgotten you and I never will. You four are and always will be my family. And every day, something reminds me of you and I miss you so much it aches and I can’t seem to breathe right. But then, I see Hilde and our children and our eyes meet and hers are so filled with love that I know mine are, too.

Don’t worry, I won’t ever stop coming here and seeing you. You’re my family. And so are they. I have a family, you guys. You’d be so proud. I live the classic life of a suburbs dad. And I love it. And I love them. And I love you, too. But I wish I could share it with you. And in a way, I think I am. I know you’re here, watching over my family. But it still isn’t the same.

I miss you.” with that, Heero pressed a kiss to each gray stone and got up and walked away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Heero’s become such a softy, ne?” Duo rocked slowly on his gravestone and chuckled to hide the emotional tears brimming in his eyes. He was so damn proud of his buddy.

Wu Fei cleared his throat to hide his own emotions, “It’s justice.” He studiously ignored the orange feathers floating occasionally from his wings. He had to think of a way to get Duo back for that prank.

Quatre looked up from where he had been cuddled against Trowa’s chest, his eyes wet and shining, “I think it’s wonderful. Heero’s happy, again. He deserves it.” He stretched and his wings unfolded and nearly blinded the other three in their whiteness.

Trowa merely nodded and steadily watched Heero’s retreating back. ‘It seems you found what you were searching for, Heero.’ He caught Quatre’s hand and smiled at him. ‘Love’

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