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" I Try "Written By: Maaya
Disclaimer: I don’t own the character or
the song. The song, “I try” belongs to Macy Gray, though
I only used the first verse from it. Rating: PG 13 Summary: The end of the war and the pilots are all recovering at one of Quatre's estates. Duo is trying to understand his inner feelings. Warnings: Angst, Sap, Song fic, Duo POV Pairings: 1+2+1 //Lyrics// "I Try" The First Verse by Maaya Part 1 //Games, changes and fears The war was over. Over. Simple word, huh? And yet, it means so much, especially for us - the pilots and Relena. I’m not saying that other people, civilians, aren’t happy - it’s peace after all but when you have fought for something this much, it feels strange and still - I’m glad. Very glad. There is only one problem - we all have to go our own ways. Alone. Meaning that we have to part. The easiest way would probably have been to run away, to disappear in the darkness like I usually do, but something held me back. Friends. Say the word out loud and taste it. Friends. The ‘r’ rolls on your tongue and it gives a sweet, yet bitter taste to the word. Like dark chocolate with mint or coffee with chocolate-taste and milk. It was a long time ago I had friends like this; Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, Relena, Hilde and Heero. They are all my own age. Then there are Sally, Noin and Howard. We’ll probably all keep in touch and all that but I hate to part anyway. I have this sinking feeling that I will be lonely, wherever I go. After the last fight, we were brought to one of Quatre’s
fancy estates somewhere in the Arabian Desert (I’m not really
sure where) to rest and heal. Sally Poe, our doctor, said it was best
for us to stay on earth Personally, I don’t understand how Quatre can like the climate here. With his fair skin I thought that he’d get as red as a tomato after a week here. Not so. It was Trowa who had the bad fortune. I have to admit that it was pretty damn funny to see
his red face, half hidden by his brown bangs. I never thought I would
see the day when he glared, constantly. If I as much as giggled when
he was near by, he As I said, it was pretty damn funny. But now, we have to part, every single one of us. //I believe that fate has brought us here The one I’ll miss the most is probably Heero, old suicidal, dangerous Heero. I didn’t figure it out until he almost died to save the earth and at that time, I was too scared to say anything. I honestly thought that I would cry when I realized that he was okay. I love Heero Yuy. Goddamn it! I love his eyes, I love his face. I love his stern eyes and I love his way of being. I love the way he looks at every day things with a special kind of admiration in his blue eyes, only showing when he thinks there is no one nearby. I saw him staring at a toy-car like that once. It’s like he has never seen and enjoyed those childhood games and plays and is ashamed because of it. I even love the way he walks when he rounds that corner of the white house with red draperies at the sixth street from Quatre’s estate. I have fallen hard, and I know it. Sue me. If I don’t work up my courage enough to tell him what I feel, I’ll loose him forever. I have no idea what he is going to do now after the war, he refuses to say anything, but I know that once he is gone I’ll never see him again. We all know that. I sighed, shifted position to rest my chin in my left hand, and resumed to stare out of the window. The sun was high on the sky and it was almost unbearably hot, even in the shadows, especially for me who wears black. I showered a while ago, a nice cool shower, but my hair is already as dry as dust. Or Trowa’s sense of humor. Staring at the sand that was reflecting the sunlight was beginning to hurt my eyes and I wondered where I had left my sunglasses. After considering going and looking for them, I decided that it was way too hot to go somewhere so I settled with closing my eyes to rest them. The blackness my eye lids gave them was welcomed. //I play it off but I'm dreamin of you When I opened my eyes again, I almost fell out of the chair I was sitting in. Heero was standing in my room, watching me with unreadable eyes. His expression didn’t waver when he realized that I had seen him and for some reason, it annoyed me. “Why don’t you ever knock, Yuy?” I asked, refusing to give in to my curiosity about what he was doing here. He never came to me, I came to him. I don’t even think he had been in my room before, because his eyes scanned around in it for a few seconds. He did it so quick that only a fellow gundam pilot could have noticed it. The answer was simple. He shrugged a non commenting shrug. Have you ever realized how many different shrugs there are in the whole wide world? There is the warning shrug, the smiling shrug, the apologetic shrug and of course, there was Heero’s favorite, the non commenting shrug. The one that doesn’t tell you a fuck about what the ‘shrugger’ feels about the situation. I lifted my chin from my hand and let the latter fall down on the table, resting it on the sun-warmed wood as I turned around slightly in my chair to get a better look at him. “Well, what is it?” I feared that he would shrug again; it would have made it hard to keep up a conversation if he did, but luckily for me he didn’t. He spoke and the words surprised me, even though I knew I had been preparing to hear them someday. “I’m leaving.” I hoped that the disappointment was kept unheard in my voice as I answered. I felt my heart beat faster and faster for ever second as I tried to perk myself up enough to say something, to say what I felt. ..I want you to stay I love you I want to go with you I will miss you can’t you wait for a while it’s peaceful here we want you to stay I want you to stay.. It didn’t make any sense, not even in my own brain. “Why now?” He had a hand resting in one of his pockets of his baggy jeans (don’t ask me how he managed to wear jeans in this heat) and I saw how the fist began to clench. I didn’t know why, I couldn’t possibly understand what I had said to anger him. I thought that maybe, maybe he was nervous. “It’s time.” Oh, yeah. It was time. Sure. I repeated my earlier question with slight mocking in my voice. “Why now?” He looked confused for a while, frowning a little, almost unnoticeable underneath his brown bangs. God, how I wanted to tell him that I loved him. His new answer on my question caused my heart to begin to crack. “I’m not needed here.” I felt lonely and stupid, but worst of all.. I couldn’t come up with anything to say. I felt my mouth open slightly as I dropped my chin, but I managed to catch it before it hit the floor. The only thing I knew was that I couldn’t tell him that I loved him. I just couldn’t force myself to say it. Instead, I did the only thing I came up with. I stood up and walked past Heero and out of the room with swift motions. I couldn’t bear to be the one to be left behind again so I did the thing that was just a little bit better, though not much. I decided to be the one to leave people behind. I desperately wished that he would miss me. “Where are you going?” //I try to say goodbye and I choke His quietly spoken words stopped me in my track and I couldn’t turn around when I answered. “I’m leaving.” It was funny, but in my confused way of thoughts, I didn’t notice that I imitated his earlier statement. “Why now?” He asked. “It’s time.” //Though I try to hide it it's clear I began walking again, down the corridor, past those paintings and expensive statues that Quatre seem to worship and left him standing alone in my room. I could ignore him standing there, but I couldn’t ignore the horrible feeling that pained my chest every time I thought of him. I realized that leaving someone behind was just as bad as being left behind. //Goodbye and I choke ^^^^^^^^ End First Verse ^^^^^^^^ |
