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"Alternative Directions: Options "Written By: Karina Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or the lovely
boys and their girls in the series. Wish I did. Please don't sue me.
I haven't even got a brass razoo to give you. Rating: Deffinately PG in Australia, at the moment,
but probably safer to say R for later chapters. Not sure about international
ratings Warnings: It will be 6x2, even though it does
not start out that way. After all, Zechs and Duo never met in Gundam
Wing and only spoke briefly over a com line in Endless Waltz. I've
tried to keep them in character as I saw them in the series. A bit
of language creeping in under stressful conditions. Pairings: eventual 6x2, past 2xH, 2+H,6x9, 1+R
Summary: Directions is set post Endless Waltz
and roughly 2 years have passed. Zechs and Noin are on Mars and Duo,
after spending some time with Hilde in a relationship leaves L2 to
join Preventers. Hilde was not happy about his decision. I guess enough
said. Here t'is, and I hope you like it. This is also AU for the standard
setting, as well as the series and Endless Waltz. Spoilers: Gundam Wing Series and Endless Waltz Many thanks to Dulin for volunteering to beta this. //... // thoughts
"Alternative Directions: Options"
Chapter 139 2nd March AC 198 Sanc Stephansbourg The Coachman's Rest Time: 03:15 Heero There were more than sufficient vacant rooms at The Coachman's Rest to accommodate the entire security contingent assigned to the protection of Mariemaia and Relena. Despite this they had decided to double up in some cases with Heero and Quatre opting to share a room. Sally and Relena had also decided to share a room and despite the elderly couple's arched eyebrows neither had objected to their Princess rooming with another person. Heero had no idea what the couple thought was going on but he did not particularly care. To him it made sense to have Sally in with Relena, both as a sounding board, which he was certain she needed and as added security. There would be guards at her door all evening but he felt considerably better knowing that the ever competent Sally would be close at hand. As for himself and Quatre sharing a room, that made even more sense to him. Not only would it permit them to guard each other's backs, which they were accustomed to doing since the war, but it would also allow them to discuss matters that were best discussed away from inquiring ears. He had every intention of informing Quatre that they needed to talk and making certain that they had an appropriate time in which to do so, but he needed first to make certain that Relena was safe. He had followed in Relena and Sally's wake having every intention of standing guard at Relena's door but at a look from Sally that was laced with meaning he had nodded a good evening and quietly accompanied Quatre to their shared room. He had watched as both women entered their room and the look Sally directed at him said clearly enough that she wished time alone with Relena and she would not stand for any interruptions. As far as Security went the good doctors gaze had lighted on the two guards already at the door. "You can take up guard at breakfast." Sally watched him from her doorway and her blue eyes were intent. "Get some sleep and don't think for an instant I have forgotten that ankle. Get your weight off of the leg and give it some rest." Quatre had been standing in the doorway as he had been staring at Sally, wishing the infernal woman would make herself scarce so that he could have a few quiet words with Relena. He glanced back at the young man who watched him with grave eyes and it was all too easy to see the strain on his face and his hands were clenched into fists. With a sigh he nodded to Sally. Their room was only a mere two doors down from Relena's after all and he had no doubt that should there be a disturbance both he and Quatre would hear it and react accordingly. He ran a hand through his unruly hair, watching as the guards settled into their place. If he was honest with himself he had only wanted to say good night to the Princess. He was, in truth, relieved to be dismissed to his room and not run the risk of Relena wanting to talk to him about this possibility that the Peacecrafts were more than merely royalty. Sally could deal with whatever storm of emotions needed airing with Relena. She was, after all, infinitely more suited to that type of thing that he was. Banishment to his room, like some errant child, he mused, had its uses. It would give him the opportunity to discuss certain matters with Quatre sooner rather than later and the truth was that he ached. The weight of what he was afraid of weighed even more on him than the pain that haunted his body and he would make certain that he would be discussing matters with Quatre with his foot propped up which no doubt would please Sally. He was tired. He was in pain. He ached mentally as well as physically and he was worried at what Relena had made of the old man's words. Dismissed by a final glare from Sally he retreated to his doorway, looking back and lingering until both guards were settled into position. Only then did he permit Quatre to pull him into their room and he made no protest as Quatre guided him to the first of the twin beds that dominated the room. Larger than single beds but smaller than doubles each bed boasted an intricately carved head board and thick eiderdowns that looked to be hand crafted. As his weary body settled on the bed his backside sank deeply into a thick mattress and he could not quite restrain the moan of pleasure that marked his relief at taking his weight from his injured leg. A faint, pleasant scent of lavender wafted around him as he edged further back on the bed and the soothing scent drew a quiet sigh from him as he propped the pillows up against the head board. He would just make himself comfortable and then he was going to have to tell Quatre about Romefeller and the stud book they had kept on the nobility of Europe. "Yes, I thought that you would be pleased to get off the leg." Quatre stalked past him and crossed the room, vanishing into what Heero assumed to be the bathroom. "I'll be back in a minute." He resisted the urge to close his eyes. If he did that he would quickly succumb to the exhaustion that weighed at him and he needed to talk to his companion. //So much has happened and I am not certain what I should think about any of this. The old man … he should be considered a nut case but … but in light of what I know he made sense. Frightening sense.// "We have some things that we need to talk about before we get some sleep, but first …" There was a moment's silence that worried him and he looked to the bathroom door. Quatre was not generally one to prevaricate and he knew that something about the conversation had deeply disturbed the empathic abilities of his friend. "Quatre?" "I think you would feel better for a quick freshen up." Quatre appeared in the doorway with a basin of steaming water, wash cloth and towel. He knew that his friend was right, he desperately wanted a wash and to change into fresh clothing but he was concerned with getting too comfortable. He was tired, bone-aching tired and at this time they had the privacy to talk and they had so much to talk about. He had so much yet to explain and there was also the small matter of what it was that Quatre had sensed in the private parlor during that disturbing discussion. Quatre had been reacting to some very intense emotions and was no doubt just as exhausted as he, if not more so. Getting comfortable could be a mistake. "That will have to wait. We need to talk. I have some things that you need to know in light of what we heard tonight and we need to discuss what it was you were sensing in there. You have never said much about your empathy before but I think that we need to discuss it now." Quatre had crossed the room to stand beside the bed and seemed to freeze in the act of placing the basin on the side board between the two beds. He looked pale and there was a brightness to his eyes that was rather disturbing but quickly enough he was moving again, setting down the basin and placing the towel very precisely on the bed beside Heero. He dropped the wash cloth in the basin of water and produced a cake of soap from a pocket, placing it beside the basin. Through every very precisely made movement he kept his eyes focused on the wash basin, never once looking at Heero. "We do have a lot to talk about but if we try to talk about it all then we will still be here at midnight tomorrow, talking and settling nothing. We need to sort out our priorities and get some sleep. Nothing can be accomplished while we are exhausted." //Something's wrong. I don't know what it is but he's … tight? Tense does not seem adequate to describe what he looks like. We can't afford to leave this. We may not have the chance to have this talk until much later and I need that brain of yours, Quatre. I need you to work on the idea of Romefeller breeding psychics and what they might possibly want with them. // "Who were you reacting to? Who was it in the sitting room that you were sensing so strongly?" "Everyone." The whisper was accompanied by a flash of anguish in blue eyes that met Heero's with steely determination. He turned from the basin and met Heero's gaze. "I was reacting to everyone in there, not to one person in particular but to everyone in the room. I need … Relena had some very interesting reactions but she had cause to react as she did. At this point in time it is not you she needs but Sally." he lifted a hand in a placating gesture. "Sorry. That … never came out right. I didn't mean …" Heero shook his head slightly. "It's okay. I would not have a clue where to start tackling the subject with Relena. I'm … too confused myself and Sally was always good with that sort of thing. Emotions and all that." "Sally … There is something there. She is intensely curious about certain aspects of what was said. I think she might know something important … or suspect something that might reflect on this psychic business." Quatre ran a hand through his blonde hair, looking ready to hit something. He was visibly attempting to calm himself down and Heero was uncertain that he was succeeding. "I was reacting to you, too and what you were feeling … Heero … I need … I can't explain exactly but … What was it that set that shock so deeply into you? I 'felt' you react to something. Something that made you … step back? Sort of.. I don't know how to describe it but maybe … go back to something inside of you is close. Some memory? I can't really explain what it was that I felt, the words just are not adequate to describe it. I know that something he said disturbed you deeply and that it still does." "A great deal of what he said disturbs me." Heero scowled at Quatre, considering the carefully bland expression that had closed over the face of the blonde. How much could Quatre pick up from a person with this empathy of his? He knew so little of psychic potential and what it entailed. "Which part did you …" "Heero! Stop it. Just … stop trying to avoid the issue. I …" Slender fingers were locked into blonde hair and there was pain in the blue eyes. It looked as though he was about to tear his hair out by the roots. "I'm sorry." a whisper. "I'm too stretched … I'm trying to contain what I felt and … I can't play word games. Not now." Heero stared at him, hands locked together, uncertain if he should reach out physically to Quatre. He watched the trembling fingers locked around pale gold strands and fully expected to see clumps of hair float free in the air. Quatre was visibly trembling and he was afraid that if he touched him he would break or explode into violent action. "I am trying to establish control points. I … I need … If I can … the control points will allow me to 'bracket' what it is that I felt. If I can contain it behind barriers that I can raise and lower at need I can safely pick apart what I felt. I need to … I can't describe it. I need you to … I know we have to debrief but I have to … to …" He had the distinct impression that Quatre was about to break and he had a flash of emerald eyes. Trowa would never forgive him if Quatre had a breakdown. "I don't know what to do to help." softly, subdued. He knew nothing about this empathy that so marked Quatre as different. "I want to help you but … I don't know what to do." "I'm not different …" a hiss and the blue eyes looked their hurt. "I'm not different just more sensitive to emotion than most people." With a visible effort Quatre seemed to draw himself up and forced his hands from his hair and Heero had the impression he was about to explode into curses or physical violence but the blonde retained control of himself and even seemed to steady. "I'm sorry … I … I know that you don't consider me to be a … a freak. I … I've had enough of that reaction from people who realize and … I never have felt it from any of you … us … but … I'm a little stretched just now." Us. Us as in the Gundam pilots. Each of them had contributed something unique to the team that they had made at the end of the One Year War and he could only wonder what they might have been capable of if they had worked together from the start? If they had known that at least some of them were rather special in their own way? What they did have in common was heart wrenching. Each of them, every single one of them had been lied to, cheated on, fed false information, used and abused emotionally if not physically and … for what? Some days Heero wondered what might have been had Quatre obeyed his father's demands and remained as the heir to the Winner fortune. What would have happened to Quatre and to the others if he had not been there to pull them all into a working team? "I … I'm not sure what you …" One of their own was hurting and he needed to help, but how was he meant to help with something he had no understanding of? Empathy was something he was sorely lacking in at the very best of times and now … how was he to help one who had an overabundance of it? "What do you want me to do? I want to help but … I'm not Trowa and I guess he would know how to deal with this situation, as close to you as he is." Was that relief in those intense blue eyes? Quatre looked like he would dissolve into tears and Heero fought the reflex to run for the door. He really was not good with emotion but he was no longer the Perfect Soldier … he had never been the Perfect Soldier in his view. A soldier needed certain emotions and he had not had them but he was not about to start a debate with himself. Quatre needed someone now and being afraid of emotions was certainly not what was needed to help deal with the situation. "Just … If you could sit still and give me a couple of minutes. I … I need to sort a few things out, re-establish control points and to do that I need to be distracted from … well... I … Just let me take care of you, okay? I know I don't make any sense but … I need to take care of you. It's … Well. I don't know if it will make sense but … As you become more … comfortable … I can use that to … well … I will feel it and … improve my own … comfort level? Control, at any rate. Am I making sense?" "Take care... of me?" Quatre fidgeted, wringing his hands together for a moment before he hissed softly and reached to tug briefly at the jacket Heero wore. "Let me deal with it in my own way. Please. I don't have the words to make any sense. Just let me help get you comfortable while I tone down. It … it helps, to do something. If you could just allow me to help you get ready for bed …" He shuddered and growled. "Shit, Heero, just shut the fuck up and let me work, okay?" Prussian blue eyes widened in shock as Quatre glared at him with a look that promised messy death and then those slender hands began to strip off his jacket with calm efficiency. Heero sat in bemused silence, not daring to speak as the blonde quickly and efficiently stripped off his jacket, jumper, business shirt and the muscle shirt beneath that, leaving Heero bare-chested and thankful that a roaring fire was in the hearth. The room they were to share was far warmer than the hallway had been but it still had a way to go before it could be described as being toasty warm. The old man knew how to lay a good fire and the blaze lent the room both a cheery, cosy atmosphere and was efficient at bringing warmth to the air. There was a basket of logs set to one side of the hearth ready for later but Heero wondered if they would need the wood. The eiderdowns looked to be thick and soft and he had no doubt that they would be wonderfully warm. These people knew their climate and how best to survive in it. In silence Heero watched as Quatre efficiently busied himself with the basin and water. He sat quietly while Quatre washed him down and then dried him with quick economic movements. Watching Quatre intently he noted that through the entire procedure the blonde seemed to be performing some breathing routines which ranged from very simple paced breathing to something more exotic and complex. Twice Heero caught snatches of a quiet litany of what sounded like counting and words in a language that he could not identify. By the time Quatre had efficiently stripped Heero down to his briefs, washed and dried him and then re bandaged his ankle the blonde seemed more his usual self. "I … Thank you, Heero. You … really don't know what a help it is for me to … to … I'm sorry. I can't explain very well." Quatre blushed and settled on the bed beside Heero after pulling the eiderdown up to Heero's waist. "I just needed some activity for my body to focus on while I established … order? … in my mind. I know it makes no sense but …" "No." Heero lightly touched his friends hand where it rested on the bed. "It's alright. I'm … fine with it." Quatre met his gaze and sighed. "Really? I'm sorry. I feel much more … centered now. More able to function and process the impressions that I received." "Good." He studied the young man for a moment before he nodded. "You do look more yourself. Now what?" //I need to talk to you about Romefeller and the stud book they ran … run. They still are doing it, after all. I need to see what you make of that but … are you ready for that? I really don't know how to deal with this.// "Well … If you would not mind … I …" Quatre drew a steadying breath and met Heero's gaze with a look filled with curiosity and determination. He really felt that he needed to get answers and for the moment he sensed that Heero had issues he wanted to press but was willing to wait if there was more that needed to be done for him. It showed just how far his friend had come from that cold programmed automaton he had been when they had first met. "What was it that made you focus so intently? I mean … To begin with when he started to talk about magic you were … dismissive? I think that is the word I am looking for that best describes what I was feeling from you at the time. Impatient, yes, certainly you were impatient. Angry even. Then … then something he said … It caught your attention instantly and instead of wanting to wring his neck and take Relena out of there you … well … You focused? I think that is the right description. You focused on something that he said that meant something to you. Something that meant something important to you though I'm not really sure that you know why it's important. What was it, Heero? I've never felt you do that before. I mean, I know how intense you can be but this … this was different." Yes, he remembered that Quatre had been looking at him and that he had thought Quatre had looked … odd. If Quatre had looked like that listening to the old man then who knew how he himself had looked at that time? Quatre knew nothing about Romefeller and he did not know everything about Epyon either or how he had acquired it. How was he to determine how others felt about this when he did not know himself what he thought of this entire fairytale that had been spun in their hearing this night? Fairytale, yes, tales of witchcraft, charm spells and dragons. This seemed to be in the same league as those fanciful children's stories but he did know that at least some of this particular fairytale might not be so fictional as it initially seemed. "You … With your empathy you sensed the Innkeeper. What did he feel like? I don't know how you do what it is that you do or exactly what it entails but … I don't know if you can narrow down emotions or if you just get general impressions but … Before I answer you I think I need to know if he was being …" He searched for an appropriate word to describe his needs and ended rather lamely with, "honest?" Quatre cupped his hands in his lap and stared at the long fingers for a moment. "I do not know how I do what I do and after what I learned earlier at the palace … I don't know what to make of this ability. I think I need a great deal of thought to just begin to formulate the questions I need to ask before I go looking for any answers. Sometimes I sense very little and other times it is all I can do to hold back the ocean of emotion I pick up on. What I sensed in the sitting room from the Innkeeper and his wife was … Well … To break it down into generalities I think I would have to say I sensed from them sorrow, despair, hope and honesty. I believe that he-they-believed what they said to be true." "Hn." // Then they do believe that the magic they described is psionic ability. They do believe that the Peacecrafts are different. It's not just that they consider them Kings but gifted with abilities to ensure the prosperity and safety of the people. Not that it is not infallible, of course.// Quatre sighed. "Don't go there. Just get out of the Perfect Soldier persona and stick to being the human Heero, okay? I have to tell you that I like the human Heero a whole lot more than the Perfect Soldier. It's high time he was placed in permanent retirement. Anyway, to be honest I really do not think I am up to dealing with the other you." "Other … me? Quatre, there is only one me. I was taught …" "I know what you were taught … at least some of it and that it was … not nice." Quatre finished lamely and shrugged an apology. "Sorry. Heero, since the war ended you have to know that you have changed. You have become, as I sense it, warmer. I don't feel a cold hard wall in you as I used to and I really don't think that I could cope just now if you shut off the stream of emotions I feel from you. Don't shut me out." A plea, desperate to avoid going back into emotional turmoil with no welcoming beacon to guide him out. He needed Trowa but his lover was a long way away and he could only hope that Heero would understand and not think of him as weak. "You are much calmer than when we said goodnight to the others and that has helped me to control what I sensed. I need that. I need your control but I need your warmth too. After the jumble and chaos that I was exposed to I … I need …" he blushed, knowing that Heero must think him weak after this admission but there was no other choice. He needed to be honest. "I need warmth." "I'm sorry. I … didn't mean to hurt you. I was just thinking. I'm not very good at this emotion thing." "You are far better at it than you think." "I … will try to keep … warm … for you." "Thank you. I'm sorry that I have such trouble describing what it is that I feel. What is so clear to me is hard to place into words that others can understand. I'm not used to talking to people about this ability. The Innkeeper and his wife do believe what they said to be true. What does that mean to you?" "I'm not sure. I don't know how to process what we learned. I have a few ideas and I have a great deal to explain to you but I need to be certain of how to make sense of what we heard. I need to know that I can trust in what they said. That they did actually believe it." "Something that was said in there meant something of importance to you. They did believe what they were saying and much of it saddened them and some of it awed them. What was it? A lot of what they said you were dismissive of up to that point where something disturbed you. You seemed to close off for a minute and what I felt from you was … strange. What was it that was said and what was it that it reminded you of?" Heero watched the blonde for a long moment uncertain where to begin. He needed to tell Quatre about Romefeller and the stud book, about the organization that existed that so interfered with the lives of men and women all over the Earth Sphere. He needed to tell him so much. Some of it he knew. He knew about the public Romefeller, of course and he now knew about the genetic modifications that were performed in their fertility clinics, but there was so much else to tell. Where was he to start? From the beginning or skip the bulk of it and simply answer the question Quatre had originally asked him? The blonde seemed not to be in a hurry and gave him time but he could feel those aqua eyes were focused on him and he knew that Quatre would have an answer from him before they settled to bed. Did he really want to go through the entire mess tonight? Quatre was right, if they fell to discussing everything tonight they would still be here at midnight and probably be no closer to resolution. No. They did not have time to go into details now and he could feel the need for sleep in himself and guessed that Quatre, as emotionally strung out as he had been, must feel it too. "I think … When Sanc was attacked by Romefeller's Oz and we defended the country … I … I think …" He closed his eyes against sight of the blonde, hearing again the words that damned him in the old man's quiet voice. This was harder than he had thought it would be but he needed to be honest. He needed to know if Quatre shared his opinion. "I think I caused the Libra incident. It was my fault." Quatre blinked, plainly astonished by the confession. Fine lips parted for long seconds but no sound emerged. For a few minutes he ran a review of the conversation they had shared in the sitting room, seeking any hint of what had brought this out to air. What was it Heero had heard that made him think he was to blame for the Libra incident? Did he not know that that incident had been unavoidable? He had considered the events of the war and he was firmly convinced of that truth. It was a terrible truth that if they had listened to Zechs instead of considering him to be an enemy when he had sought out certain of their number then the entire episode might not have happened. It was only when Zechs had felt himself to be abandoned by everyone and driven to the wall to bring about peace that he had turned to White Fang and it had become inevitable that they must fight against him. Yet it was also the truth that that fight at Libra in itself had been the beginning of the peace they now enjoyed. Fate? He did not know if he believed in fate. Predestined event disturbed him. He liked to at least think that he had free choice. Finally Quatre shook his head, failing to see where that conversation could give Heero the impression that that final battle had been his fault. "I don't understand." "I know. I know you don't understand, neither do I exactly but the more I think on it the more I believe that if I had not acted as I had then the Libra battle might not have occurred as it did." He was sensing rising agitation in Heero and mixed with it was hurt and firm conviction. Yuy indeed was convincing himself of his view even as they spoke but that did not necessarily make him right. "Okay … I'm sorry, Heero, but I don't begin to understand how any action you could have taken would have changed the circumstances leading to that battle." "Zechs." Heero stared down at his hands which he suddenly found to be gripping the eiderdown. "He … Zechs would not have gone to White Fang if I had not … if I had …" He made a conscious effort to ease the grip of his fingers on the material and looked up slowly to meet the intense blue eyes. "It was my fault." a whisper. Quatre, scowled in confusion. He could feel again the rising upset, the condemnation and conviction in his companion and it threatened his own control. Being careful to keep a safe distance emotionally he sought to understand without actually touching that rising mire of self doubt and hate he sensed in Heero. He did not need to be dragged again into a vortex of conflicting emotions and if he succumbed to it what possible use would it serve? He would be of no help to Heero if he fell now and he firmed his barriers. He sorely missed Trowa and the unique quietness of that man's mind that made living with him not only possible but a deeply desired thing. Trowa suited him so perfectly, he was the other half of his soul. They belonged together, fitted neatly into each other physically and mentally. They each had strengths that complimented the other and in Trowa he could be assured of always finding a stable emotional haven in a world where people hid even from themselves and in their hiding colored the ether with noise that he was all too capable of hearing. "Heero, I need you to be steady for me, remember. Don't go off into some possibility that likely has no grounding in anything other than fear of What If. You need to calm down and tell me. What about Zechs? The man had a mind of his own and he was Oz' attack dog. I know that he was not what we thought he was but that is hindsight, Heero. You always discover more after the event and there is no going back. I have tried but I fail to see how you could have affected his decisions back then. Heck, from what we now know he was in space when Sanc was attacked by Romefeller's Oz. Nothing you did could have driven him to White Fang." "He … he came back. To Earth. To Sanc." Quatre stiffened, staring at Heero who met his gaze with sad eyes. "Zechs came back to Earth? After Romefeller attacked?" "I never told anyone what happened before but … Quatre, did you not wonder how I acquired Wing Zero? When I left you over New Port City to pursue those Oz forces I was using Epyon and the next time that you saw me I was in Wing Zero. Did you not wonder how I acquired Wing?" The lighter blue eyes of the blonde youth were clouded with memories of that turbulent time and the emotional storm he had needed to deal with. Yes, Heero had been flying and struggling with the Epyon, fighting to make the suit obey him and that suit had been a terrible thing. It had almost felt as though it had had emotions that he could feel just out of his ability to understand. Epyon had been terrible and he had wished that Heero would not use the monster on more than one occasion. At that time Heero had been something of a mess, with the awakening of emotions and the blood lust still affecting him that had reared the first time he had used the beast of a suit. He drew a ragged breath as he met Heero's troubled gaze. "I had the Epyon and Zechs had the Wing Zero, Quatre." "How … Zechs had the Epyon at the Libra. I never … I was too busy at the time to think … How did he get Epyon? I never really thought about it. I thought that you had been contacted and given the Wing Zero. That you preferred it to the suit Kushrenada had given you. I thought … I don't know what I thought. What happened?" "He was trying to join us." A whisper and strong hands ran gently over the quilting of the eiderdown, tracing the stitching. "He heard about the attack and he left Howard and the Peacemillion immediately. He had been trying to join with us Quatre and when he heard what was happening … She hurt him by giving Sanc to Romefeller but I think he would have accepted that in time. He's not an idiot, after all and he grew up influenced by politics but … I'm not explaining this very well." "Take your time. Zechs was in space but he came to Earth when he heard about the attack? After Relena had surrendered herself?" "Before. She surrendered while he was in transit. I was in the Epyon and I … He made contact before he reached Sanc and I was in Epyon and I would not listen to him. Epyon was telling me things, whispering to me, showing me things and I could not think clearly. Epyon showed him coming and showed me that he was to be my enemy and I … I attacked him." He shuddered, reliving the kaleidoscope of impressions, the images that made little sense but were similar but not the same as those the Wing Zero impressed upon him. The Zero system had not been kind from the first moment that he had entered it but he had mastered it. He had not mastered the Epyon and he believed now that he understood why. "I still have nightmares of the few times I flew the Epyon and I will admit that my memories are somewhat distorted about that period but … Epyon … Epyon was …" Heero rubbed his hands over his face, wishing he did not have to go through with this but it was past time that he told someone of what he had experienced when he used that beast. It had been a nightmare and for him to heal eventually he had to share and hope that Quatre would be able to understand. "You built Wing Zero and the Zero system and you flew it so you understand how unique Zero was. Epyon was not like the Zero. Not at all like the Zero system. I knew that it was different the first time I flew it when Kushrenada gave it to me but … He tried to warn me but I never realized just what it was that was so different about it. I can't blame Kushrenada for what I experienced, he did try to tell me but I was not listening. Epyon was not the same as Zero." "I know the suit design was vastly different from Wing Zero but the operating system … That was the Zero system. How do you think it differed from Zero? I guessed they might have been a little different, not being constructed or programmed by the same person but basically they would have been the same program. I don't see that it would have made too much difference to the end product." "You're so wrong." Heero whispered and leaned heavily back against the pillows and head board. "So wrong. I never realized until tonight just what it was that was different about the Epyon. Maybe I'm wrong?" He looked at Quatre with a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "I hope I'm wrong. I might be wrong." When Quatre simply looked at him without understanding Heero leaned back against the headboard and stared up at the ceiling beams. Quatre watched him for a moment, feeling the conflicting clash of emotion within Heero and trying to sort out the impressions he was receiving. There was fear, which he was not accustomed to feeling from Heero of all people, a fading glimmer of hope and not a little despair. When no immediate enlightenment was offered he rose, quietly picked up the basin of water and retired to the bathroom. He would give Heero a few minutes to sort out his emotions and thoughts and he would use the time to clean himself up and settle his own emotions back into order. Quickly and efficiently he bathed himself and then set about tidying the bathroom before he returned to the bedroom. As he expected Heero still remained leaning against the headboard, eyes closed and seemingly asleep but he knew better. He was only too aware of the emotions that now had been sorted into some form of order. Heero had established some control over the maelstrom of self doubt, anger, despair and hope that he had been feeling and the emotional level he had now attained had reached a point where Quatre felt that it did not threaten his own control. Satisfied with the condition of the psychic atmosphere he crawled into his own bed and made himself comfortable, sinking into the thick mattress with a small moan of pleasure and pulling the eiderdown about him. For a few indulgent seconds he permitted himself to luxuriate in the warmth and comfort the old fashioned bed offered him. He felt that he could use some pampering this night. "Are you ready to talk about it now?" He watched the other young man, expecting Heero to move but he remained as he was, leaning against the pillows and the headboard, eyes on the overhead beams. A small sigh escaped Heero and Quatre felt the moment when Heero conquered his fear and passed beyond it. When he spoke his voice was soft, even and very matter of fact. "Epyon and Zero seemed not to like each other much. It seemed that the suits were in control and we had no choice but to obey. We fought each other to a stand still on that rocky promontory beside the sea. Zechs was in Zero and I could feel him, he was in control to a point. I could feel him only defending against my attacks. He was trying to talk to me, telling me … something. That he wanted to work with me, I think, but I … Epyon was relentless. I saw him as the enemy and Epyon would not be denied." He sighed and glanced at Quatre before turning his eyes to the flickering fire. "Epyon was different from the Zero system. Really different but I did not understand then and I think I am only just beginning to realize what the Epyon was. Kushrenada told me, you know. He made a point of telling me that the Epyon was not a weapon and I … never listened to him." Quatre frowned, watching Heero, feeling that quiet moment of confusion that Heero felt at the mention of the former World Sovereign. "Treize Kushrenada told you that Epyon was not a weapon?" "Yes. Yes, he told me. He warned me that Epyon was not a weapon and I forgot. Or I did not believe him or … I don't know. Quatre, Treize told me Epyon was not a weapon and I never told Zechs when we swapped machines. That … the swapping of the machines was not his idea. I had been having trouble controlling the Epyon and I had used Zero before. I should have been able to use Epyon without a problem but I … I could not understand then why Epyon was so much harder to work with. Why it was so hard to get the machine to obey my directives as the pilot. I had no right but … I saw an opportunity to gain something I did understand and I took Wing Zero and left the Epyon for Zechs. At the time I thought it was because I could not understand how Kushrenada thought and that was affecting my interaction with the machine. I said something to that effect to Zechs but … if the Zero and the Epyon were the same operating system, where would that come into it?" He turned to Quatre, blue eyes intense. Quatre had built the Zero system for the Wing Zero. He would understand. "Where would knowing how Kushrenada thinks matter when it comes down to flying a mobile suit?" Quatre considered the question and the man who had posed it for a long few minutes, reviewing what he knew of the Zero system and briefly regretting never having experienced what it was Heero said he felt within the Epyon system. If he had felt it he would understand exactly what it was Heero was trying to say. "Can you tell me how they differed? I am assuming that you are talking about a difference in the operations system itself, not the weapons and overall schematic design of the two machines it was installed in." "You know Zero. You used it. You had it use you." Quatre paled and lowered his eyes for a moment, but he had learned to get past what had happened, or to at least live with it. "Zero never used me. I … It was me, Heero. It was my fault what happened. Somehow I lost control and I lost that control before I built the suit and the operating system. It was not Zero that destroyed the colonies and all those people but the Zero system did seem to make things clearer for me. I think the easiest way to describe the effect it had on me was that it defined what I was feeling. It never used me, merely defined and fed back to me what I felt from myself and from others. I never used the Epyon so I can not compare the two systems. That I know of, only you and Zechs could do that." "I think Kushrenada used it, from something that he said. I learned very quickly that I could not handle the Epyon but I refused to give in. I refused to admit that I could not master the system. It was … wrong. We were in conflict from the outset but I would not admit it. It kept trying to get into my head and it was making me see things … I know that is what the Zero did but somehow Epyon was different. What it was doing to me was … somehow more than Zero was showing us. I think … I think I might know why." Quatre wriggled deeper into the bed, just his eyes peeking above the eiderdown to watch Heero leaning against the headboard and cushioning pillows. "Tell me. Tell me what you think Epyon could do?" "The old man tonight might have given me the answer. When he spoke of there being psionic abilities tied up in the Peacecraft line I suddenly remembered Epyon and how it had made me feel. What it was that Kushrenada had told me and what I did. Quatre, what if Treize Kushrenada built an operating system that would take advantage of that kind of potential? What if he built that suit knowing that it had the potential to be some sort of psionic catalyst? What if he intended that catalyst come into the hands of Zechs Merquise, Milliardo Peacecraft or what every you want to call him?" "He … Kushrenada gave you the suit. You, Heero, not Zechs." "And I could not wait to pass it on to someone else. Kushrenada was in confinement. What if he used me to get the Epyon to the right person to use it? To Zechs specifically." he met Quatre's wide-eyed gaze and shrugged. "I never once considered giving it to anyone else but I handed it over to him without a second thought. In fact, I practically threw it at him and bolted before he could object. When I was using it Epyon kept showing me things I did not understand and I felt pain, deep inside. I resisted it. I was resisting it physically and mentally. I could not stand the idea of losing control to a machine and I kept trying to master it and make it obey me. With my resistance to it in mind, what do you think of this idea? What if the Epyon had had enough of me and my resistance and it sensed something in Zechs? Something more akin to what it was built for? Recognition of what, who, it was designed for? Quatre, why would I just give up a suit with the power and potential of the Epyon? Why would I hand that kind of power over to someone I considered to be an enemy? I never asked Zechs to swap, you know. I just … took Zero. It felt so much more … I can't find the right words to describe how different they were. Zero felt so right after Epyon, as though I had come home." "It was a long time ago." "Yes, it seems to be a long time ago." "It probably made no difference at all to the outcome of the war." Quatre murmured. Heero shook his head slowly and his eyes looked haunted. "No. I disagree. I think it made a difference to everything. We all thought that Zechs had lost his sanity when he appeared amongst the White Fang but … I know the Epyon and Zero screw around with your mind but … Zechs was by far and away above those weak minded fools who were trying to understand the Zero. He would have had little problem in mastering the Zero with exposure to it. I think Epyon was very different and never intended for me. We know now that Kushrenada knew who Zechs really was and that he was an old friend, his family knew the Peacecrafts quite well. If anyone would have known about any of the potential Zechs might have had it would be him. What if Epyon was a suit designed to enhance the potential of a pilot who had something like the ability that you call your Space Heart? You know what Zero did to your empathy … With that in mind what possibilities might there have been if the Epyon was designed to work in conjunction with someone who had the ability to glimpse the future? What if Epyon was designed to work with a clairvoyant?" "Allah." Quatre whispered, staring at Heero. "Oh, Allah. You have to be wrong."
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