"Shadow Man"

Written By: Kaeru Shisho

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Gundam Wing or its characters, nor do I make any monetary profit off this story.

Rating: NC 17

Warnings: Yaoi, AU, angst, sap, romance, drama

Pairings: 1x3, 2x4, 5xC

Summary: Hardly more than a shadow himself, Trowa glimpses the shade cast across the concrete of another young man, who is about to make a fatal mistake.

A/N: This story takes place in a universe more like ours today, where the colonies exist, but not in space, and where the world is on the cusp of change

" Shadow Man"

Chapter 5

When I came back the next day, I was met by Nurse Ann.

"Excuse me, Mr. Barton."

"Ah, call me Trowa, please."

"Trowa, then. I'm thrilled you came back today. Seeing you here every day for over three weeks...well," she flashed me an embarrassed-looking smile. "When you didn't appear in the morning, I was worried."

"Yeah. I'm not so sure this is a good idea. Considering." Three weeks! I couldn't account for that much time passing. Maybe I'd lost a bit of my life being here.

"Oh, it is!"

I swept away the hair blocking my eyes so she could see I meant what I was about to tell her. "He really doesn't want me or Wufei around. Believe me when I say that."

"Oh, that's not true. Really. He's been difficult and lashed out in the only way he can."

Apparently, I wasn't the only one targeted by Heero's anger. He'd verbally attacked everyone within range. I guess I felt better about that. "Wufei reads a lot and he said head injuries made people, um, unpredictable."

"Often it can. There's lots of things at work here. Two days ago, we took him off the anti-seizure medication he'd been given for a few weeks. He's monitored for substances in the blood that can worsen confusion and precipitate seizures, but everyone reacts differently to changes."

"I guess. So his bad mood might go away on its own?"

She shook her head. "Imagine being stuck in bed, immobile for nearly a month. Was he an active person before?"

"Yeah. Sports jock," I blurted out before thinking. "Um, he wrote a note to his cousin before coming here and told him a couple things. I remember that." Fucking idiot. I was closed to slipping up again.

"You're the one who found him, correct?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I was."

I thought she'd leave me now. I hoped she'd move away from the door. I was ready to move on before I got trapped in more lies. "So, ah... yeah..."

Instead, she had more to tell me. "Being restricted to a bed with traction, he'll get frustrated and bored and even depressed, irritable, and withdrawn."

"I'd be a basket case stuck like that," I said.

We shared a smile, her half of a smile shoring up mine, mostly.

"I can't tell you how wonderful you are for continuing the visits."

"Oh," I could feel the heat rise to my face. My bangs wouldn't hide it all. I hoped she wasn't flirting with me.

"It seems inevitable," she said sighing, "teenage friends end up dropping out. Seeing someone so severely injured, I think, just jars with the sense of invulnerability teens have. Rather than facing that fear, they fade away." Sounding like a teenager herself, she added, "It sucks."

"Yeah."

"Too bad he hasn't any other family-anywhere. That would help you."

"If it were me lying there," I said, avoiding the topic of "family," "I'd want to know when I'd get better-if I'd ever be okay."

"I'm sure he thinks about that all the time."

"So, what do I tell him? Do I say he'll recover completely or what?"

She opened the file in her arms and handed me a small brochure. "Read this and tell him the truth. Give him the facts. He's come so far, but it all depends on the extent of his brain injuries. Bones heal, new pathways can be made through the brain for information to travel, but it takes time and work to get well. And then it's a crap shoot."

I mumbled a "thanks" and read the four-page handout. I thought about what I'd say to him today. I wished I'd known him better before he was hurt, but I hadn't and there was no changing that now. I'd have to guess how much he'd want to know and how blunt to be.

"Hi." My greeting was met by two things, a grunt and a blink. "Okay, so, I got this brochure I can read to you."

"No."

"Want to know what happened to you?"

"Fall."

"Well, yeah. As a result of falling from the roof of building and making contact with the concrete, you sustained a Closed Head Injury." I said that in a doctorly voice that, at least, got his attention. "Now I'll read: a Closed Head Injury is an injury where the skull stays intact. The rapid movement of the head can be enough to significantly injure the brain. The brain can be slammed into the inside of the skull. There may be bleeding in the brain and swelling in the brain will follow. The consequences of your severe brain contusion put you into a coma for..." I paused for dramatic effect and to let him know I was inserting his particulars, "... three weeks."

That got a reaction.

"Th-eee?"

"Yeah. Three weeks. And you've got another 6-7 weeks of traction to set your femurs. Guess your arms will come out of casts then too."

He looked pretty sad. It was a long time to be a lie-about in the hospital. Maybe on the beach would be acceptable, if you could keep the sand out of the casts.

"Yeah, well, I guess you got off easier than you could have. You didn't break your back, 'cause then you'da been placed in a full body cast for 4-5 months."

That won me a wince and a groan.

"And so far you haven't had any seizures, though it warns here that, how do they put it? '-some may develop in delayed fashion, showing up months or years after the initial trauma.' Who knows, huh? So, we'll go on the assumption that won't ever occur."

"Hn."

"That means when the bones are ready, you'll have to teach yourself how to walk, talk, read, write and, while you're at it, you might as well work on speaking in complete sentences. Blink if you wanna, but you're going to live and that's what it will take."

"Hn."

"Yeah, and, like it or not, you got me to help. And there's Wufei, too. And my sister, Catherine. She's okay, really, just don't expect too much from her cooking. Her soups are like dishwater and her stews need something, a lot of something."

"Salt."

"Salt? Yeah, that would help."

"Wine."

"Wine? I've never tasted that in stew. I don't know."

"I... do... a-cid."

"Acid? Huh. Seems you have some stuff you remember. That elevates you to head chef as soon as you can sit up."

And he smiled, both his lips curled and his eyes crinkled. Progress!

I went on to relate a story about the unbalanced high wire acrobat, which I made funnier than it really had been. No reason to get all serious about a drunk clown.

"H-h-horz?"

I had to ponder that question. "Whores-? Oh, horse! The back-ass horse, you mean? Yeah, she's another bright spot in my day. I do earn my keep with her. She'll let me walk her around the arena, but no one else. Next, though, is riding her both directions. Once she takes directions from me, I'll train one of the bare back acts with her. I got time still."

It wasn't until I'd left that evening that I realized that he was remembering things I'd told him. I wondered how much of my belly-aching he'd retained and wasn't sure if I wanted him to or not.

(o)

The next day's circus duties I couldn't avoid swallowed me up, leaving me little time to share with Heero in the morning, but I vowed to never miss a night, regardless of his mood.

One of my less onerous tasks was to run into town and pick up supplies. I took the day's stock list and the truck keys, the one to the truck without the huge CIRCUS advertising on the side panels. No reason to draw undo attention to myself. There was a time and a place for that, which for me was when I worked in tights and a mask under the big top.

I hadn't given the trip to town much thought until I realized that school was still in session and I had been AWOL for the last two weeks. I would have missed the last three weeks had the accident been any other time. He'd fallen on the Friday before a week of spring break.

No one said anything, though, as I minded my own business at the hardware store. I could have been twenty for all they knew. I wanted a sandwich and drove to a place I knew. Trouble was it was near the high school. It was early enough that no students were hanging around yet, so I strode in and wasted no time placing my order for a meat-filled sub, chips, and soda to go.

Bag in hand, I headed for the door and, naturally, spotted a guy I hadn't wanted to run into. He was team mate friend of Heero's and no friend of mine. Not an enemy; I was definitely beneath the notice of any member of the Winner family, but in case he'd noticed me missing from orchestra class and grown curious... My bad luck. Couldn't he have gone to any of the other dozens of eateries within a block of school?

Too late.

I didn't grow my bangs long for no reason, though, so I shook them well over most my face, dropped my chin, and scanned for a hiding place. I found a seat near the door where I could sit with my back to him as he entered. His shadow was with him. I recognized his friend's louder voice and yard-long braid of hair down his back. I didn't think he dressed like one of the rich kids, or acted like part of the elite set at all, but he must have been to hang with Winner.

They passed by me, laughing about the pencils Duo collected and stored in his braid. "It's even got an eraser! Who leaves good ones like that just lying around, I ask you? Not me! Whoa! Free drinks with a side salad order? You wanna salad, don'tcha?"

"I would, actually. I'll do that. I'll get a coffee and you can have the extra soft drink. Would that be all right with you?"

"Yeah, great actually, Quat. Little cash-light today."

I hadn't expected Winner's generosity. I almost began to like him. I wasn't sure why I didn't. What it was about him I didn't like? It was more than just that he was one of the "have it all's" and I wasn't-I wasn't that shallow, was I?

No, I didn't think I was. Heron had been well off, and I'd liked him. Not a good comparison. I was so hooked on Heron that even his being a cold bastard jock hadn't put me off. Or a Heero-mummy kept alive by machines.

I decided to go before I started dreaming about a pleasant Heero who was a friend. I jumped to my feet, but because I'd been listening in on their conversation, I missed my chance to leave before they saw me.

"Hey, it's that guy...uh... from the circus! Haven't seen you inna month! You okay?"

Damn. Two pairs of blue eyes were searching my face for answers. Not like Heero's dark blue ones at all. These were earnest and open and kindly interested.

"Trowa? You've missed orchestra and our final performance. I hope you can still graduate. Have you been ill?"

With Heron, I'd known where I stood. He'd never pretended that I existed. His stare had penetrated my physical body with no pretense of familiarity or friendliness. I was flummoxed. I was sure neither of these guys had ever acknowledged my existence before. I was surprised Winner remembered my name from class.

"No. Not exactly. Busy."

"Quat, the circus starts in a couple weeks. I'll bet he's got tons of stuff to do more important than school. Right?"

I nodded. I was stunned that someone like him would even be aware of life outside his little private school world. But I hadn't tried getting to know them either. I'd kept to myself, my little circus-centric world, just as much. Maybe I had been wrong about them.

"I'm certain the teachers will let you make up any work you've missed," Winner was telling me. "They want us all to graduate and have a chance at getting good jobs or going to college."

"I've got a job." This was the truth.

"Oh!" The blond blushed rose. My remark embarrassed him. "Of course you do! Sorry, I didn't mean it wasn't a good one either."

The long haired guy stepped in to save his friend further foot-in-mouth disease. "You're not the only one suddenly gone missing around here."

I felt the blood drain from my face. I grabbed hold of the table to keep from wavering on my feet.

"You remember Heron Lowe? He just disappeared a month ago." Both guys clammed up and watched a server set down their drinks and sandwiches. "Not so bad for me. I got his position on the soccer team, but it's pretty weird, huh?"

I nodded and looked at the door as more students entered.

"That creepy guardian of his asked around for him, but it stopped so I figured he'd been found. Then-" he paused when his blond friend patted him arm. "What?"

Winner lowered his voice to a whisper. "Not only him, but Relena Peacecraft just vanished too. Rumor is that they eloped!"

I shed tension like a coat, thinking that maybe I got away with hiding him at the circus. "Oh, yeah? I wish them luck. I, ah, gotta run." And I ran, food in hand, out the door, letting it slam behind me.

That was close. It wasn't until I was in the truck heading back to the circus that I let my thoughts wander back to my encounter. It hadn't been as bad as I'd imagined; they had been cool, friendly, and informative. Heron and Relena eloped! Heron's father, no, the braided guy called the man his guardian very pointedly, possibly believed that rumor and stopped hunting for him. How the rumor had started, I didn't know, but I was grateful to whoever had started it. Maybe. Depends on what they actually knew.

I knew from Zechs' breakup note to Heero that Relena had been transferred to another school. Wouldn't that fact kill the elopement rumor? Unless Zechs and Relena had something to hide and were letting the story work for them, too? It was something new to ponder.

The high school had to know who it was who fell off the roof. Didn't they? How would they know? Oh... It occurred to me that if the emergency report was all they had to go by, they would think that it was me who had fallen. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. I didn't know a thing about the machinations of police reports or EM reportage, but I did know that the circus world was run like a separate nation within the Sanc kingdom. Had I really pulled it off? Hidden Heron from the rest of the world and replaced him with Heero?

It awed me. It was as if my shadow world might be real.

As I thought more about my situation, I wondered about how deep in trouble I'd gotten myself – and both Catherine and Wufei for covering my story. Had she let the school know I'd been injured and transported to the hospital? Probably. She hadn't said a thing to me, or worried me. I'd have to thank her in a big way.

I drove directly back to the circus and dropped off the supplies before starting on my lunch. The sun felt warm against my skin as I settled onto a log against my trailer. I felt safe here. That disturbed me, because lately I thought mostly about how confined I'd felt.

I ate quickly. The sun and fresh air were nice, but chores were piling up by the minute. I couldn't let my best friend double up to cover for me anymore. I balled up the paper wrapping and drinking cup, tossed them in a trash bin, and I made my way to the animal cages.

"Trowa!"

I turned to find Wufei jogging in my direction. "Hey."

"They need help clearing the fields of litter. Want to lend a hand?"

Hot sun evaporated the sweat off my back and I drew in a deep breath of late spring air filled with the scents of growing things. In the bright light my shadow was crisp and clear. Lately, I'd felt sick of the routine, my body ached from the strain, and my soul screamed for release.

"Yeah. This beats practicing indoors with the out-of-shape acrobats."

The circus offered variety. Every day could be something new. How had I forgotten and made it into a grind? I felt good today. The difference was being outside, and that realization made me think of a way I could help Heero.

I couldn't wait to make something good happen for him. While taking a break from hauling rocks and stumps and garbage, I called the hospital. I didn't know who to talk to or if I could even do what I wanted, but I was determined to try.

"Hi, can I talk to, ah, Nurse Ann? Yeah, um, page her." She'd know more than me and I could talk to her. "Hey, yeah, this is Trowa? Heero's friend- yeah. I, um, had this idea." I explained enough to give her the gist of what I wanted, and she agreed with me!

She was very supportive, actually, and even connected me to the financial office. Moving Heero to a room with a view and a window that opened-he wasn't going to jump out while hanging in traction-was going to cost more. It would have to be withdrawn directly from my paycheck. The circus opened in a few weeks and I'd get full time pay. Plus, I imagined moving him to my trailer and saving money then. I would make this happen!

"Okay. Can you move him today? Yeah? That would be great. Thanks."

Before I felt too good about what I'd done, I wondered if Heero would appreciate being moved. Maybe not right away. He might be pissed at me. I prepared myself for the worst, so that by the time I got cleaned up ready to go to the hospital I was properly depressed.

Wufei stopped me. "I can go. You look...tired. It must be difficult working all day and then... entertaining a-"

"You might be right about the tired part. I'll go tonight, but could you fill in for me feeding the animals tomorrow afternoon? I'll do the cleanup with the morning feeding, so all there's left to do is fresh hay and water checks."

"I don't see how that rests you more now?"

"Please?"

"Of course! You don't have to beg. I'll do it. We are friends after all."

I'd insulted him. "Sorry- and thanks."

He huffed a little. "It is just as well. I promised Cathy to help settle the new caravan and help her move in."

"New...? What new caravan?"

"Hers."

"She bought a new one? When?" I felt totally left out of the loop.

"Today, actually, and it's not new. The Ringmaster's mistress is trading up, and we, that is, Cathy received a very good deal on hers. She's a good negotiator, for a woman."

"Oh." I really needed to talk to my sister, and keep up with what was going on around her, not just show up and crash in the bunk at night. I owed Wufei, too, for being there for her when I couldn't.

"There will be room for Heero in yours when it is time to move him out of the hospital."

"Yeah. Well, thanks for helping out." I felt like I should have been the one to take care of that, but what the hell.

"My pleasure." He smiled, gave me a curt bow and trotted away.

For a second, it occurred to me that he possibly liked my sister. I dismissed that notion immediately. When he'd joined the circus, he had said something about having avoided certain family obligations, including an arranged marriage and to fight in the war to "honor the fallen," but which was really "a very dishonorable course of action". I hadn't pressed him for explanation-it wasn't the way of the circus. We all had our secrets. In any case, I figured that it was unlikely that he'd fall right into another relationship so fast, especially with his attitude about women: too weak to be worthwhile.

I was wrong about that, too. It was my day to start re-thinking things I'd been so sure of.

(o)

That evening, I arrived at the hospital later than usual. Heero was not in his old room. I had to get help from a nurse at the station to find his new room number and then dash off to find it. When I finally found him, I was happy to see his room had the windows I'd asked for, but the move must have taken a toll on him. He was asleep and didn't wake up while I sat by his bed.

I wasn't going to waste my visit, though, so I plotted out how to move his bed a few feet closer to the window. I wanted him to feel a breeze when I opened it. Adjusting the traction hooks took me the longest time, but I had nothing else to do. When I was satisfied with the new location of his bed, I hitched a leg on the window sill, opened it a little to test that it would , indeed, open, and sat there staring out. The gloom deepened and the stars flickered into view.

"Ni-ight?"

I jumped slightly at the unexpected sound, but subdued my rapid heartbeat a split second later. I knew it was Heero's voice, rough from lack of use. "Yeah. I thought you needed a window. That's Orion," I said, pointing out the most easily recognizable constellation in our summer sky.

"I know," he croaked.

I got up and held the straw of his covered sippy-cup to his lips.

He swallowed the water and cleared his throat before attempting to talk again. "Can you see the Pleiades?"

"No. There's too much light from the buildings here. I could from the other side of town."

When he shivered, I remembered the open window and got up to close it. "I'll open it tomorrow when it's warmer. I was outside today and it was nice. Figured you'd like that."

"I will. Why are you doing this for me?"

Why, indeed? "I was hoping you'd skip that question." I hadn't actually meant to say that aloud, but I guess I'd gotten used to opening my soul around him. Only that had been when he was unaware of what was being said.

"Too bad."

I couldn't tell if he was being humorous or not, certainly not from the flat tone of his voice, and there were no facial clues under that bandaging to help either. I guessed he was being serious.

"Friendship?" I cleared my throat. Friends do things like that. Maybe. Rarely. Almost never, but boyfriends might.

"Are we friends?" he asked.

It felt like his stare was penetrating my façade. I wanted to be as honest as possible. "I've talked more to you these past few weeks than anyone else in my life. I think that counts for something."

"And Wufei is my...cousin? Where is he?"

"Covering for some of my chores so I can come here."

"So we're good friends."

"Yeah, if you'd like?"

"I wish I could remember more."

I'm glad you can't. I didn't say that out loud. We wouldn't be having this conversation, if his memories had returned. I could see cat moving in the shadows of the trash cans below.

"Shouldn't you be in school?" he asked after a short pause.

"Clowns don't need a degree. Waste of time."

"But pilots do."

"Huh?"

"You said you wanted to be a pilot."

"You heard-? You remember...that?"

"Of course. I'm not deaf."

"I didn't think you were-"

"I can't do much, but I can hear perfectly well."

"Glad to hear it-"

"And I have an excellent memory, just not of events before waking up here."

"You don't have any trouble talking either," I grumbled.

My problem was that I couldn't remember what I'd told him! I'd rambled a lot, but had I said anything about how I felt about him? Watched him? Lusted after him? I must have lost control of my cool exterior. I was wringing my hands, for fuck's sake!

"Relax or you'll strain yourself," he told me. "We're friends, remember?"

"Yeah." The cat was gone when I looked this time.

"I've been practicing. Thinking complete thoughts and practicing speaking that way, like you told me to."

He'd actually paid attention to what I'd said. It made me feel good, as if I had this power over him, or something. I heard him sigh, and I turned to face him.

"So tell me about the trapeze," he said. "How long did it take for you to learn that?"

"Not long... that I can remember. I was a natural. You're athletic. I bet you'd catch on fast."

"I play sports?"

Oops.

"Yeah. You wrote to Wufei about soccer."

"Soccer. The muscles should be strong, then, and develop again."

I could tell he was thinking about his legs. We both were staring at his legs in casts, suspended in an apparatus of their own, leaving him helpless.

"Swinging on the trapeze gives you that flying feeling. I really love that."

"So you want to fly?"

"Yeah, what I've wanted to do for a while is join the air force and pilot a baddass fighter jet."

"Is that a possibility?"

"I'm more likely to train security lions for a sultan. But, fuck, I'd like to try."

"Pilot fighter-sounds good to me, but fighting in outer space with Star Wars lasers would be cooler," he said, and I felt the smile come through his voice that time.

"Cool, yeah."

We talked about that for the next hour. It was awesome.

TBC

Chapter 6

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