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"Shadow Man"Written By: Kaeru Shisho Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Gundam Wing
or its characters, nor do I make any monetary profit off this story. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: Yaoi, AU, angst, sap, romance, drama Pairings: 1x3, 2x4, 5xC Summary: Hardly more than a shadow himself, Trowa glimpses the shade cast across the concrete of another young man, who is about to make a fatal mistake. A/N: This story takes place in a universe more
like ours today, where the colonies exist, but not in space, and where
the world is on the cusp of change " Shadow Man" Chapter 3 Oh, fuck. Oh, God. My stomach did a horrible clench and twist at the sight of Heron, now Heero, if that was in fact who that was beneath the bandages and medical apparatus. "Understanding what the equipment is-" I spun about, nerves jangling. I hadn't expected Wufei's voice to come from behind me. "- and what it does is the best way to overcome the anxiety the appearance brings." "Fuck, Chang! You're not supposed to be sneaking in here!" I was jumpy enough without him alarming me like that. "No one was checking badges." He stared straight ahead through the window. "You forget, I've been through this, worse than this, before." Of course he had. As he'd once explained to me, when the war had hit his homeland, Wufei had lost everyone he'd ever known. He'd run for his life as far and fast as he could, and that was how he'd come to us in the circus. He'd been cloudy on the details. He'd never said much, but now I wondered if he had watched members of his clan die in places like this. I turned back to see if anything had changed in the ICU. Nothing had. "Looks like an alien torture chamber." "Most of what you see is telemetry equipment monitoring vital signs. I recognize IV tubes, catheter. They're using a ventilator to do his breathing." Even though my friend sounded like a professor, I didn't call him on it. I also got what he meant-machines were keeping Heron alive. "That sounds bad." "It could be that he was given drugs that suppress his breathing. You have heard of a drug-induced coma?" "I guess. Why would they do that to him?" "I'm not saying they have. But the doctor said he was in a coma and being monitored carefully." "Oh. Them watching over him is good." I thought I might be swept away by a torrent of emotions. I felt sick. "I'm not feeling too good. You seem okay." "When our district was attacked the first time, I spent hours attending the injured." The weight of many sorrows pulled at his face. "It was nothing compared to...later." Furrows lined Wufei's brow. He looked like a man fighting his inner demons for a moment then his brow cleared. "The word 'coma' can be so daunting that some doctors avoid saying it." I wasn't sure the word could intimidate me more than the machinery. "Yeah." Wufei, I guess, wanted to make certain I was scared shitless the way he kept talking about it. "He is not going to just wake up from a coma and jump out of bed one day back to normal." "Oh." Yeah, I thought Heron might just do that and I was all stressed out waiting for the chance to talk to him. "It is not going to happen today, my friend." And here again, Wufei patted me on the back. It was comforting. "Depending on the severity of his brain injury, waking up can be very slow. If he's lucky, some of the steps will blend together in a matter of days. If not, it may take a long time, or not happen at all." Gulp. Thanks for that, Dr. Chang. "They put his legs in traction, or something. I don't see that helping anything. I oughta ask about that." But who should I ask? Who would know? I had lost track of the personnel or even what to call them. They all wore plain lab coats. Who was a doctor or nurse or one of the hundreds somewhere in-between? Pat, pat. "Calm down. Be patient. He has to be stabilized first. Traction is for the long bones." "Oh." I didn't know shit about medical stuff. "Just imagine the ends having to be held so they touch and not slip sideways with ligaments and muscle tension-" That description made me wince. "Yeah, okay! Stop!" I wasn't particularly squeamish, but, fuck it to hell. "I'd rather not imagine that, if you don't mind." I was really glad to have my best friend standing with me, though. We stood watching machines keep alive a shattered boy. "He fell so far." Wufei grunted at that. "Notice that they have elevated both arms and legs, so he must have breaks in all of them. It reduces swelling-" "-What's happening?! God! Fuck! Guys are running in there! That can't be good." I cast about for a nurse to question and when I found one, I was told to go back to the waiting room. It was Wufei who finally snagged a chattier one. "We will do as we are told," Wufei assured the nurse. "Just tell us what the emergency is." "Brain swelling." In a reaction to my confused look, the nurse continued, "Say you hit your thumb with a hammer - your thumb is going to swell. The brain reacts the same way to its impact, but the skull severely restricts the space the brain has to swell." "And that's a problem," I concluded. "Yes, a serious one. We have procedures to help, which the doctor is certainly attempting now." As if the initial brain injury wasn't bad enough, there was more danger to come if the swelling got out of control. No one had to point that out to me. There was nothing I could do, so I returned to the waiting room. I felt Wufei standing over me where I slumped on a chair. "I'm taking you for a walk," he said. "I'm tired." He pulled me to my feet, and I followed, apparently unable to think for myself. He led me to a snack bar, selected a pre-packaged salad, a cold cheese sandwich and a carton of milk. We sat and I ate. It tasted like wax at best. I washed the food down with the milk and rubbed my face. My beard was growing in. "What time is it?" I asked, thinking it was maybe 5:00 PM. "After midnight." Fucking shit. "No wonder I'm tired. Long day." "I'll drive you home. Get some rest and come back in the-" "No! Sorry, no. I gotta stay in case..." my voice trailed off. "He's not waking up, Triton, not tonight." "I'm Trowa. I'm going by that name now, remember?" "I do. I was just testing you for coherency." "Did I pass?" Instead of answering, Wufei walked away. I watched him nab an intern and disappear around a corner. I checked that the book bags were still okay, and since my lineup of chairs was still empty, I stretched out. Midnight. If only I had a couple blankets, I'd be set, I was thinking, and, like magic, a warm weight landed across my chest. "Here. Lift your head." Wufei pushed a rolled-up blanket under my head and spread out the one on top. "I'm told that he just blinked his eyes for yes or no." "That's good." "Yes, it is. I'll stop by in the morning before practice." "Hey, thanks." I meant it. He was the best friend I'd ever had, even though we'd never shared personal secrets. Did other guys do that? I'd taken him for granted. Friendship hadn't meant much before, but suddenly everything had taken on more significance. There was only the single chance at life, after all. I dozed off and on. I couldn't help but drop off, I was so whacked out, but every time I did, someone passed by on the way to the ICU and I woke up. I did manage to be asleep when Wufei came by as he'd promised. "Sit up. I brought you breakfast." "Coffee, yeah." I gulped it fast enough to sear the roof of my mouth pretty good before I noticed. "Any word?" He shook his head and looked inscrutable. "Eat first." "What's this?" I asked as I noticed he was handing me something. I poked at the warmth rolled in paper. "Breakfast burrito." He didn't honor that by pretending it was good. I knew Wufei had never touched any food item with a name like "breakfast burrito," much less prepared it, so I assumed it came from a machine or the cafeteria. I bit into it anyway. "Thanks. It's not bad." "I'll ask the duty nurse about his condition while you eat." I chewed that over thoughtfully. Something was on his mind. I could see he wanted to say more. "What?" "You told me you joined the circus as a very young child. You'd be too young to recognize a relative and it's been too long without contact for one to find you-my surmise. Also, Heron...Heero, that is, doesn't resemble your family at all. When the bandages come off and the swelling goes away that will be apparent to everyone and possibly trigger new questions." "Oh." "If he's to be anyone's cousin, he should be mine. And I have no living relatives to say it's not true." "Good idea. We'll go with that, then. I'll call Catherine and tell her about the change." One curt nod. "I'll do that." His smile was almost timid. "I promised her I'd get you back to the trailer to change clothes today." "I'll go." He was still looking at me with a strange expression. "What the fuck? Do I look funny or something?" He shook his head. "You eat. I'll speak to his doctor, and when I get back we'll go see him." I owed him for everything he'd done, so, dutifully, I ate on command. I finished about the same time he returned, looking glum. "What?" "Apparently, he had a little setback a couple hours ago." That woke me up. "How bad? What happened?" "A brain injury leaves a person open to a number of complications." "Uh, huh." "The brain's control of the bodily functions has been compromised. They have him on blood thinners to minimize blood clots and anti-seizure medication." "Plain English, Chang. What new thing happened?" "He's back on a ventilator." He turned and walked a few steps. "Coming?" "Yeah, yeah..." I followed him to the observation window. "So that means that his brain's not working to make him breathe?" Wufei shrugged. "I'm not certain why. They are concerned, because many brain-injured patients on ventilators end up with pneumonia." "Pneumonia. So what are they doing about it?" "The staff seems to be expecting it or at least prepared for that eventuality. The nurse I spoke to said she was on the lookout for the symptoms and that he received treatment quickly." "But will he be okay?" I asked stupidly. He could die. I knew that. Wufei couldn't promise me anything; no one could. Instead of reminding me of that and insulting me, though, Wufei simply and calmly answered my questions. "It's a serious complication, but he hasn't developed the pneumonia part, so that's good news." "Yeah, guess so." I could tell he was weighing my reactions and probably trying to figure out why I'd gotten myself into this mess. Among countless other things, I hadn't told my best friend that I found other boys attractive. I'd never found the right moment to spring that on him. It had never seemed like a good idea and I stand by that decision still. "The staff will continue to treat his other injuries as he continues to stabilize in the ICU. All you can do is wait." "Yeah." I felt his eyes on me, studying me, looking for answers to unspoken questions. I looked up through my bangs and caught him staring. "Yeah, fucking wait. I can do that." "You needn't wait here. You're needed back at the circus. The summer tour will be starting, and you have practices scheduled, which you owe it to others to attend." "Getting tired of feeding the lions?" I smiled, guessing he'd been covering my chores for me, and that was at the root of his griping. "Yes, I am. I have my own duties and no free time. Besides, well, we can discuss it later. I have to go, in fact." "Discuss what?" I held him back with the power of my personality. I didn't touch him. I wouldn't; I avoided contact. Once I began to accept the idea that I might be gay, I'd never wanted to give him reason to question the nature of my friendship towards him. We'd never mentioned homosexuality, and he had no reason to suspect I leaned that way. "You hardly know him and yet you are risking a lot. I don't understand you." "Yeah." I wasn't sure of me either. He stepped very close. I nearly backed away, but he leaned in to whisper, "You don't usually go out of your way for someone, and this...Heero Yuy... is a stranger." "I was just reacting, I guess. The shock and all... at the time." I didn't actually think that would satisfy his inquiring mind. It even sounded lame to me. Anyway, he asked, "And now?" I looked away. I couldn't tell him how I'd noticed Heron at school for some time. I couldn't explain how his strength and masculinity attracted me. His deep, blue eyes. His irritated glares hadn't even chased me away. I couldn't understand myself; I just felt this fascination for him. I'd fallen into a sea of blue, swamping my judgment, leaving me helpless in the wake of my infatuation. I couldn't explain that to Wufei at all. He gave up waiting for me to answer and told me what he'd wanted to say all along. "I watched the news. There was nothing about his accident or mention of him being missing." Wufei followed my line of sight to the tangle of machinery keeping Heero alive. "Didn't you say he had a girlfriend, a rather wealthy, society girl? Shouldn't she be looking for him?" "They broke up. Catherine found a note." As popular as he was, I couldn't name any of his friends or any one I'd seen him close to. Team mates. "He had team mates who will notice he's missing," Wufei said. "I'll get a paper." When I didn't comment, he did, "How about calling the contacts on his cell phone? I don't mean his guardian; I understood why you had a problem with doing that. Have you tried?" No. I shook my head. "Catherine took his phone." "I'll go speak with her about it. He must be missed by someone who is looking for him, but we wouldn't want to alert that perverted guardian of his to where he is. When he's discovered here, if we aren't prepared, there could be serious consequences for-" "I know!" I hated being reminded. "My sister said the same fucking thing." "Well, she is a smart woman." His expression softened and his eyes transfixed on something in the far distance, and then he returned to glaring at me. "We'll talk more. Later." Couldn't wait. Yeah. Couldn't wait for more of that conversation. And yet, ironically, waiting was something I got pretty good at. Later on, I was allowed to sit in Heero's room. I spent as many hours as possible sitting and staring at Heero's face, admiring the play of dark hair against his skin. He looked awful, overall: what I could see of his face was blotched and bruised, head swathed in bandages, broken nose. Both legs in traction, neck and back in braces, both arms in casts. All I could see were casts sticking out from under the white sheet. I did leave his side that day and return to my caravan- just enough to shower and change clothes, to put in an appearance, and to feed the lions, who'd missed me. I wasn't gone long and then I returned to my Heero-watching station and my waiting. Nothing changed for days. Nurses told me the downside of the medications was a sedative side effect. Not exactly what I was looking for when I wanted Heero to become more active and alert. After the first week of his hospitalization passed, I started to lose hope. "How could he pull out of a coma like that and be normal again?" I asked whoever would come in when I was there. "It's really just up to him and his body's ability to repair itself," I was told over and over by the hospital staff. Waiting gave me plenty of time to think, and not in a strengthening, progressive, or supportive way. I stepped through stages like a character in a psychology journal. GUILT. Irrational as it was, I kept thinking that if only I'd done something different the injury wouldn't have happened. Could I have said more? Shouted louder? Tried to catch him? In my more lucid periods, I didn't think so, but I wasn't thinking through everything logically most of the time. So, what I did was to put those thoughts aside until they could be viewed more in perspective. Right. DENIAL. I refused to believe what they reported to me. It's not that I openly refused to hear what I was being told, but the general lack of interest anyone took when I'd point out some new change in his reactions made me angry at the bearer of bad news. "That blink wasn't just knee-jerk, jerk!" I'd say. Hope seemed important, and even irrational hope seemed better than nothing. SHOCK. I've never been the type to make a big outward show of my emotions. This meant I appeared a lot calmer than I was. Inside, I felt anxious and had constant feelings of unreality, like I was trapped in a bad dream. Wufei must have understood something about shock, because he seemed to make allowances for me when I'd forget things he'd just told me. I know in the past he would have yelled at me. I just hoped I'd pull out of the new dimension my head had taken me to, and that I'd unearth the inner strength necessary to make good decisions when they needed to be made. Then I started visiting that even scarier place, my own head. I had plenty of time to conduct my own self-analysis. What if this had happened to me, I wondered? That led me to question what I had done with my life so far. Sure, I had dreams of piloting a fighter, becoming a big war hero, but what had I done to get me on that path? Nothing but dream. I was a circus acrobat and lion-trainer trainee. I could be a clown stand-in and often was a target for Catherine's knife-throwing act. In other words-a big zero. Who would have noticed if it had been me who had taken a header off the cafeteria roof? I would have been left to die, most likely. But, if I'd survived, what if I'd woken up and found I'd never be able to talk or move? What chance would I have had to live a normal life after that? What would I have wanted to happen? I considered pulling the plugs one night and letting him live or die on his own. Good thing I didn't, though. (o) "It's just a reflex." I quickly learned to hate that phrase. I'd feel Heron- no, Heero, had to remember that name- squeeze my hand or twitch or see his eyelids flutter and I'd feel my heart start to race. "He's moving!" Invariably, the nurse would tell me it was just a reflex. "No, it's not. I squeezed his hand and he did it back." I mean, fuckitall, I was there every second of every day and yet some uniformed employee would just squash my hopes as if they knew better. No one listened to me, but Wufei had that kind of presence that made people listen, or something. Maybe it was because he and Catherine had worked out Heero's identity finally, so that he was actually Wufei's long lost blood relative coming to stay with us. Wufei lived with us so why not Heero? I was just the friend doing vigilance service now. "Put it on his chart," Wufei demanded of the staff. "He's responding more often and you'd see that if you kept a record." So they started to record what I noticed about Heero's activity. (o) Emotions ran high in that waiting room. One day, Wufei and I nearly came to blows. "He moved!" "Good. I'll stay with him while you eat," Wufei told me. "But I want to be there when he wakes up. That's important!" "I only have half an hour before I have to meet with the sword-act trainees. Go eat now!" "I'm not fucking hungry!" "Eat or I will break every damned bone in your body!" "Boys! This is a hospital. You will keep your voices down or I'll have you escorted out of the building." "My apologies," he said. "Sorry," I added, looking very, very sorry indeed. "Just remember where you are and behave accordingly," we were reminded. I felt bad taking out my anger on Wufei and told him so. I had no idea what bringing Heero here would do to me. The panic. The grief. The fear. My friend was a comfort and I leaned on him all the time. "What if he doesn't wake up? Or he can't remember anything? Or he hates me for saving him? Or-" "Stop with the 'what ifs?'" Wufei snapped. "You will drive us both crazy guessing what will come of this, and that can only prove to be destructive." "Yeah, I know. It's just hard." "It is. We must stay positive." "Yeah." And Heero progressed in fits and starts. A hand-squeeze sent me running for a nurse, only to be told, "Just a reflex." But it was recorded on his progress sheet. And when the movements added up and appeared more often, I knew he was making headway. It happened again and again. He groaned more and an eyebrow twitched. Stay positive. Easy to say, harder to do... TBC
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