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"Greeting Cards"Written By: Kaeru Shisho Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Gundam Wing
or its characters, nor do I make any monetary profit off this story. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: Yaoi, funeral practices, AU, fluff Pairings: 1+4, 1x2x1, 3+H, 5xH, 3x4, 6x9 Summary: Each chapter is based on Heero’s
greeting cards and Duo's mortuary. "Greeting Cards " Chapter 23 -- December Wonder, Part 1 -Reign of Zombies- from Hilde's Perspective I began to wonder if I hadn't come to the wrong play after all. It was only five minutes into the first act and I couldn't imagine a man of Zechs' standing demeaning himself to participate in such a debacle. Duo, whom I hadn't yet seen on stage, might do something unexpected for the fun of it, but Zechs Merquise? My boyfriend, Wufei, sat to my right, his expression alternating from cross to stultified. On my left were two friends from my hospital volunteering, Amy and Sue, and at the far end sat Fay from my shop. Over a couple rows and up I noticed Sally Po sitting beside her date, who I didn't know. From the confused expressions everyone wore, I could tell the entire audience was stunned. "So what's wrong with that blowhard?" Wufei asked in a low voice while gesturing toward the stage. "Nothing. He's fine. Just another romance-novel love-interest for the idiot heroine to spurn for no apparent reason. Just wait, some dark and evil guy will show up for her to fall for." "Nonsense." Wufei meant the show and not the content of my wisdom, I knew. He was trying, pretending to be interested, and I appreciated his effort to be supportive of our friends, who had better show up on stage soon, God damnit. When would they appear? I focused my ever-wandering attention back to the poor lead girl's sad tale of unmatched passion a moment longer, and then I felt him jiggle my elbow. "Hilde?" "What?" I wasn't angry at him for his repeated interruptions; in fact, I was happy for the distraction. "Aren't your friends supposed to be in this? They weren't any of those losers, were they?" "No, you haven't missed OUR friends—and don't pretend you wouldn't recognize them either. They're zombies, wherever they fit into this stupid play." Amy giggled. "Oh Hilde, here comes Mr. Tall, Blonde, and Handsomely Mysterious. How long do you suppose we have to wait until we see Miss Charlotte swoon at his feet?" I did wish Amy would drop the pretentious "Miss" and "Mr." appellations, but I knew complaining about it would just give her the attention she wanted, so I let it pass. "About five minutes... eh... nope; there she goes!" I shouted. The people seated around me didn't even bother telling me to be quiet. My conversation was far more compelling than the dialogue on stage. "Oh, Blaise, what a breath of fresh air you are to this town!" "Why, Charlotte, how kind of you to say; and to think, you hardly know me." "I feel like I've known you all my life." "You are as intelligent as you are beautiful." "What a load of crap," I grimaced. "Ewww, how can she stand looking up at that moustache? I hope Zechs never, ever tries to go around sporting one of those revolting things for real." "What makes you think the guy's evil?" Wufei asked. "The bad guys always have moustaches," I explained to my agent-boyfriend, though, he was as good a profiler as marksman as there was, and knew. "That's not true!" Amy protested. "My daddy has one and so does Miss Sue's dad, and you know that Miss Hilde! Oh, you were just kidding me, weren't you?" "Yeah, I was. Oh, don't look now, but Mr. Tall and Blonde is showing us his evil side. See? Just like I said." Sue leaned over Amy to reach me. "You sure you never read the book?" "Book? This trash isn't based on any written matter or it would have been burned first. It's all the dreary outcome of a mind tortured by watching endless soap operas. Now what's going on?" "The spurned gentlemen are trying to reason with her and warn her about Mr. Tall and Blonde," Amy answered. "Ha! Like she'll believe them! She'll think they're just jealous. Man, if they're smart they'll figure out just how lucky they are to have escaped her crazy clutches. Ah, well. Now ol' Miss Charlotte will try to get the bad guy to fall for her, you can bet." "He doesn't seem too interested," Wufei noted. "Not yet. She'll have to really knock herself out to get his attention. Look... Oh, cripes. There she goes with the absurd devotion act. What a simpering fool!" "Well, at least those other nice men are free to find... OH!" "Heh, heh. Yeah, Mr. Tall, Blonde, and Evil is killing them off one by one. That's why they're disappearing." "There's where our zombies are going to come from," Fay put in from the far side of Sue. "Betcher right," I agreed. "Gods, listen to that guy bellow. Yeah, yeah, you're evil and you're proud, we got that. Oh, now he's going to revel in his biliousness." "Merquise developed his vocal expertise commanding men." Wufei smiled at his extraordinary brilliance. Men... I loved him, but my boyfriend was an arrogant son-of-a-bitch. "And now... My greatest moment wherein I shall summon the lord of the dead from the bowels of the earth. Hear me, hear my call! Rise up!" "That's his incantation? I could have come up with five better ones with my tongue tied behind my...well, with no problem at all, anyway." And I could! "Together we shall begin the Reign of the Zombies! Rise, heed my call and appear, Oh EXOR, LORD OF DARKNESS! Rise!" "Exor? What kind of a lame name for a demon god is that?" Wufei asked me. "They are shameless." "Strangely familiar, oddly enough," I grumbled. I was fighting through the cluttered storage lockers in my mind, the endless yard sale knickknack knowledge collecting in my brain, searching for a file, the one where that name, Exor, was associated with its nutcase of a creator. "No, no! Blaise darling! You've been misguided. This isn't the way to salvation, dear. Let me help you! Let me guide you back on the path of the good and right. I...I... yes, I vow with all my heart to change you. To rid you off all evil and turn you to the light..." "Hey, dearie, open your eyes!" I shouted again. "Quit railing away. Blaise dearest is murdering everyone in the play. He is not listening, baby." "It was all the fault of that nasty little boutique-owner temptress, I know. It's not your fault at all!" "Little boutique owner? Say what?" I gasped. Instantly my mind located the missing information, filed under 'Insane complexes' and 'people who hated her' and came up with Dorothy E, (for Exor; could it be so simple?) Catalonia- bingo! But how had Dorothy's insane ravings, her 'screen play,' made it into this play, and why? "I don't think she is convincing him," Wufei shared with all my listeners. "He's not changing his mind about raising the dead." "You are right, Mr. Wufei. That Miss Charlotte is going about this all wrong. She's doing it for the wrong reasons. If she had justice in her heart and was truly righteous and of pure intentions, then, and only then, might she have the strength to overcome his evil!" "Ah, Amy? Please sit down, the folks behind you can't see," Sue urged her. "That's okay, honey. You're prettier than anything on that stage," intoned the voice of a young man from the seats behind them. "Oh!" Amy gasped, and fell back into her seat, a blush of embarrassment spreading over her cheeks. "I see I have no choice left. I- I must be the final sacrifice! You are far greater a man than a delicate, chaste maiden such as I could have imagined. I would have given you everything!" "That's bullshit! You would have slept with the creep if he'd given you a second glance, that's all you mean," I grumbled. "Still would if he winked." "Your path of glory to your gods offers me no attractions. Only by the dark light of Exor, the Lord of Darkness is there a place for me to rule the dead!" "Dark light? How is that a meaningful phrase? Who wrote this drivel?" Fay asked Wufei, as if he'd know. Wufei opened his dog-eared play list. "It says here that Marty Cat-rat-love, or something-- the print is smudged by something disgusting." And then he dropped the offending object on the floor. "You look it up if you want." "Never heard of him," Fay clipped off. "When's this over?" I laughed, but it was mostly at my prissy boyfriend's trials with his sticky fingers. "Pretty soon, there aren't any people alive anymore, 'cept those two." I rummaged through my purse for a wet-wipe (always keep one in a baggy), found it, and passed it to Wufei, much to his relief. He'd reward me later with his undying devotion. "And I think that's about to change," Sue pitched in. "Looks likes our poor heroine is about to throw herself overboard for the cause." "Then to prove my love for you is greater than all else, take me! Sacrifice me to your demon lord, Exor. I shall die devoted to you and for that you shall turn from evil and love me forever bound in my blood!" "He's actually killing her after that sweet speech! He is awful. What's the purpose in that?" Amy cried out, completely puzzled by the stupid play. "There is none. This whole play is pointless. He kills her in blood-lust-rage thing; his demon lord, Exor, an affiliate of Exon the Oil Magnate, possesses him." In all seriousness Amy replied, "Is that what he's doing? Oh, I get it now." Wufei shook his head. "I thought he was simply being funnier than before." "I am Exor, the demon Lord of Darkness! Let the reign of zombies begin! Oh no, Nooooo! The vessel I have chosen for my return is too weak with regret... and now I, too, die..." "Yeah, and now look, he dies too. With anemic little 'poofs' of fire and brimstone, how lame. What a display of pyrotechnics. Great, marvelous! Everyone dies in the end. What a load of crap! What's the purpose? Good, bad, or indifferent, everyone dies in the end? What a senseless, inane, worthless plot!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "Bring on the zombies or I'm demanding my money back!" "Zombies! Zombies!" A large contingent of agitators seated around my crowd, joined in, "Zombies, zombies!" not knowing if there were any or not. Magically, the lights dimmed and the spots adjusted to the color 'eerie.' Fog machines in the aisles and offstage gassed out clouds of mist, further contributing to the moody atmosphere. And if that wasn't enough, creepy music rose out of nowhere, and this was particularly odd because at no other time in the play was there music or singing involved. I sat forward with a grin. "Now we're getting someplace." Shadowy, pale-faced apparitions appeared to rise from the floors, in the aisles, on the stage. I had no trouble picking out Duo from the other raggedly dressed figures because of his distinctive hair. So much beauty wasted on a guy, I gotta say. Not in that makeup, though. Heero was a little harder to discern, although he was standing close to Duo, but I found him. That guy scared me before I got to know him. The way he just sat and stared... When he hooked up with Duo I worried about his motives. What Duo didn't need was an artsy-fartsy headcase ruining his life—again. Solo had been one. Duo fell for the type, I guess, but he didn't have to be screwed over for his weakness. Heero wasn't Solo. He was turning out to be fantastic for Duo. Oh, yeah, he was an artist and crazy, but he was as submissive as a puppy and he put Duo first, for a change. And it didn't hurt that he had a sexy way of running his fingers through his hair, leaving it mussy, and that he had eyes the color of Crater Lake. Look at him now, looking over at Duo, catching his eye and smiling. Now that was the look of love. How could I not love Heero, too? Then Quatre and Trowa appeared. That damned Quatre looked sweet and meek but he was scheming and controlling in ways Duo never even guessed, wasn't even aware of. But... he had opted out of Duo's life before injuring Duo too deeply. He'd left no scars, which, I guess, could make him an okay guy in my book. Trowa was one cool dude. He could handle Duo and Quatre—at the same time! The man had to have nerves of steel. Oh, there was Zechs again. I could hear the girls squeal. He made a fantastic demon lord zombie. His height permitting him loom over the others and his hair, loose, glowed. "There's Duo and Zechs, too!" Amy cried gleefully and pointing to the far side of the room. "He sees me!" Who knows what she was talking about? For the first time all evening, the hall came alive, although the intention was more likely to have been to suggest the opposite. The big production number began with all the zombies leaping vigorously about and singing the catchy opening song. Then Heero and Duo peeled off from the lineup for their portrayals of the spurned suitors. Duo sidled up to the zombie version of the Charlotte character and began to sing. His youthful voice rang sweet and clear as he attempted to sing his way into her heart. "Please be my lady. I know I can make you happy, If you will let me, I promise to make you happy --maybe, maybe." "He has a nice voice," Amy said giggling. The zombie girl resisted Duo's temptations and charming smile with a firm shake of her head, and turned away. He heaved a dramatic sigh, and then tap-danced off stage, only to return moments later to form a part of the chorus. "I didn't know he could sing. He dances, too? Wow!" Sue cried out. "He's just Mr. Entertainment, isn't he?" Fay said sarcastically. I was so proud. Was that my Duo up there on the stage? I knew he could sing and dance like a pro, having demonstrated his talents under the influence of more alcohol than had been good for him a time or two in the past. I'd bet my next month's profits that Solo had even thought so, but had kept him down in typical competitive male star style. Yeah, I was impressed. I imagined him singing softly, arms around his Heero, lying together, under the sheets. Oooh, not what I should be thinking about... Change visuals... Solo. Solo. God, I hated that man and what he'd done to Duo. I mean, he was hot and handsome and Sanc's performer of the moment, but it was damned hard for me to stand by and watch Duo's self-confidence plummet, to see that out-going personality fade, crash and burn, steamrollered by Solo's career. Duo would not listen to me. "But what you have isn't love, Duo. Infatuation lifted to the idolatry stage, maybe, but it's not love!" I remember screaming at him and him getting so mad. I know he knew I was right, but he just didn't seem to be able to assert himself. He stopped calling and returning my calls after I had pointed out how bad their relationship was. He said he didn't care what I thought. He was devoted to Solo. He lived with Solo, and owned nothing but a closet of clothes and the mortuary. He'd never sing again, even in the shower, if it made Solo mad. He'd stand by while Solo pawed some glitzy girl for a promo shot, always in the shadows. He almost never went out in public with Solo, maybe never, but he never, ever went out with anyone else. Saving himself for Solo. Duo was crazy-devoted. He was immature, stubborn, and really, really acting stupid. Like everyone else, I read about the plane crash, front page, the morning after. Solo died in the plane crash and left Duo with nothing but the mortuary he came with. Even lost the clothes because he was barred from the apartment they shared. He wasn't in the will. He wasn't under contract. He was nothing, and so he got nothing. My dear sweet Duo. He was so heartbroken, he nearly died. I was too late finding out about the funeral to stop him from doing the embalming. He wanted to make Solo look right, after the crash. He did it and nearly killed himself in the process. Thank God for the Claremonts for taking him in and nursing him back to health. He'd been practically catatonic, and Duo wouldn't have made that up when he told me about it later. Those nice people even convinced him to call me and renew our friendship. I owe them so much. And after getting back on his feet and getting back to work, he had to meet someone like Quatre. Well, at least Heero was there, too. He took over where I couldn't. You see, I'd vowed not to let Duo die inside again, if I could help it. So far, so good. That whole coffee shop romance was just so cute, looking back on it. Poor old Heero with his tattered jacket, all moony-eyed and making cards for Duo, who was dating one of the richest guys in town. The guy could hardly string three words into a sentence, but he could draw like sin. I got a good look at that notebook of his once when he left it on the table to visit the men's room. That's when I saw Duo as he did. Sure, he was beautiful, but Heero could see Duo's inner beauty and in his portraits it shone through. Of course, it took me awhile to be sure of him, as sure as you can ever be about another person, but now I liked Heero a lot. All you had to do was look at Duo to see how good the artist was for him. That confident strut. Look at him strut! "Swing that braid!" I shouted. Yeah, Duo was happy, secure in his head, and had a positive outlook again. Thank you Heero! Love you! Weird as all get out, though, Heero was. Recently, he had slapped one of those o-fuda things on me and then taken it back saying I should test it out on Wufei first, just in case. I didn't know what the hell to make of that so I showed the slip of paper to Wufei. He seemed to understand what it was for, pronounced it "nonsense", but he didn't throw it out. It's still pasted on the inside of my shop door, where he left it. Such a dear, my Wufei. Sigh. Desire filled my mind and I looked over at Wufei. "What?" Wufei asked. Had he cringed? It took the voices of the zombie chorus shook me out of my dream world. I suddenly wanted to have my sweetie-pie all to myself. "Let's forget dinner and go home...now." "Now? It's finally gotten interesting," Wufei said. Then it was Trowa's turn to warble his case: "We're the undead, 'nuff said. We're zombies, gotta get that through yer head. Don't come around unless you've come from underground...!" His soft, low voice and sensitive manner melted the hearts of many of the girls listening, but he was turned away by the Charlotte poser just the same. He moon-walked over to join the background singers. "He's pretty good, isn't he?" I called over to Sue, who was looking starry-eyed up at the boys. "He sings...and those moves..." The rest of what Sue wanted to say was lost as the music swelled. Amy gasped. "Oh, look! It's big, bad-boy Zechs!" Zechs lurched stage center, clasped the zombie girl at the elbow, and bellowed in a rocker scream: "I got no use for your platitudes. I have my own agenda. I got no use for your attitude, Don't start something you can't finish I'm something bigger than all the rest. I'm the general to rule the world So don't put me to some test, Don't start something you can't finish!" "Gods, will you listen to that, Amy!" I poked my friend in the side to get her attention. "He really could be a rock star, too, dontcha think?" "Uh, huh," she nodded, unable to tear her eyes off the very sexy-looking man. Immediately after Zombie Zechs ended his solo, the faux-Charlotte zombie girl locked him in a tight embrace. Her shrill voice whined, "Oh, no! Please let me show you how love can free your heart!" Backing her was the chorus of zombies singing: "Free your heart, free your heart!" At last, Zechs loosened her grip, and let loose with a heart-rending scream: "Begone!" He hit his final note then with an elegant twist of his wrist flung the girl off him and sent her spinning into the wings. Lucky for everyone, the personalities of my buddies, generously including Zechs in that exclusive grouping, transcended the material and brought the house to its feet. The play ended with a tacky climatic light show with colored lenses and strobes. The standout performances of Zechs, Trowa, and Duo added a humorous edge to what had intended to be a seriously, frightening, dismal, and depressing conclusion. No amount of makeup could disguise how good-looking, or unseasoned, they were. They stole the show, such as it was. "Zom-bies! Zom-bies! Zom-bies!" chanted the audience. The director stood there with his mouth hanging open like he didn't know what to do. The show was over. All the actors had returned to the stage and were taking their bows. How could he satisfy their need for more zombies? The director must have been completely unprepared, and the producer seemed baffled as well. As the curtains rose and the actors took their final bows, the din became overwhelming. "Zom-bies! Zom-bies! Zom-bies!" It was Duo's pretty, blond ex who stepped up to the plate, er, microphone. "Would you like us to carry the encore?" "Yes!" roared the seething mob, although they weren't the ones he'd actually asked. The frazzled-looking director jumped at the possibility. "Could you? Yes, yes, anything!" This was all to the background chant of "Zom-bies! Zom-bies! Zom-bies!" "We have a little skit," Quatre announced with a wink. "Yay!" From the look on Heero's face, a kinda death-glaring death mask, I'll bet Quat-boy and Trowa had pressed Heero into their 'act' for 'fun' and 'just in case,' while Heero must have thought he was mostly the gag writer and that they would have trained someone more outgoing, like Duo, to actually do the act with them. "Okay, guys." Quatre was speaking into the mic, but directing his speech to his friends. "We're good to go. This is our chance for the big time. Broadway next, then our world tour." Heero's eyes grew wide and wild-like, as fear must have been prickling his skin. "Skit? Now? Out there?" Quatre chuckled, and gave him a little push. "Let's just get past tonight. Come on, Heero; you're the nurse." The three young men ducked in front of the falling curtain, while the applause rose to an awful din. At the side, Zechs stood with Duo. I could hear him ask, "You knew about this, I take it?" "Notta bit," Duo grinned. He was watching Heero, but flashed me a bit of a smile, too. "Looks like Heero didn't exactly know either." Trowa smiled and waved as he approached a microphone. As he started to speak, the hubbub died and the room grew quieter. "Thanks everyone. You've been a super audience, and I'm used to audiences, actually, but as a circus performer. So for a few minutes here, let's say I'm your friendly family psychiatrist. You know, the mind-sweeper, the doctor who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing." I laughed loudly. Just the thought of the laconic Trowa as a psychiatrist, struck my funny bone. My outburst woke up the crowd, starting the chuckles, until the whole crowd was responding to the jokes with gusto. "In your case it's more of a case of the care of the id, by the odd," Heero said. "Thank you Nurse Yuy. You know, when I was just starting my practice, I had to advertise to get patients." Heero looked out into the audience. I waved so he could pick out me and Wufei. Sue blew him a kiss, Amy was clapping madly, Fay smiling and waving. I swear, the guy blushed before getting back to his lines. "Oh, I remember: 'Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back.'" "Ah, yes..." Trowa remarked with some hesitation. "...something like that. It worked. Before long I was swamped with business." Heero sighed as if he had to endure an idiot for a boss every day. Not bad for an amateur. "Yes. Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door." That, Heero said straight-faced and with absolutely no vocal expression. He was priceless. He was hysterical. I was hysterical. No, I was in stitches. Heh, heh... now I was thinking in doctor jokes! Anyway, they were funny enough for the crowd to rumble its approval. Trowa frowned in jest. I doubt I'd ever seen him convey so much information with his face in all the short time I'd known him. "That will be enough for now, nurse, unless I have a patient waiting?" "Well, in fact you do." Heero stepped aside and Quatre took center stage. "Doctor," Quatre said in a harried tone of voice. His body language screamed 'frantic', and the crowd roared as he continued. "I'm manic-depressive, and I need help." "I see, well... Calm down. Cheer up. Calm down. Cheer up. Calm..." Trowa's voice faded into the applause. The guy was a natural clown, but then so was his little blond boyfriend. What a cute couple they made! Um... sorry, Duo, but they really work together; besides, you have a hot stud artist now. Trowa had turned to stare over at Heero and asked, "Who's next?" "A very difficult case." Heero motioned to Quatre, who had been flattening his hair into a central part to appear as a new patient. Quatre announced, "Doctor, I have a split personality. What can you do for me?" Trowa gestured to Heero again. "Nurse, bring in another chair." I don't know what was funnier, the cheesy lines or the 'nurse Heero' reference! "You'll need more than that," Quatre said. "I've got lots of personalities." "You mean you have a lot of personality, don't you?" "No, I have an identity problem... So do I," he added in an entirely different voice to sound like a different person. While we all laughed and giggled, Quatre messed with his hair. He would either change his hair or adorn his head with a hat between each new character. In this case he pushed it completely out of his face. It made him look older, I think. "Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!" "Sit over there and I'll deal with you later." Trowa smiled at his joke, and the crowd whooped it up. It was even funnier with them still in Zombie makeup for all this. Heero standing there, arms crossed, looking very un-nurselike, made me lose it. "Next?" Quatre parted his blond mop to one side. "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin." "Don't talk such rubbish." Ha, ha, ha! Ah, this was a hoot! Quatre spiked his hair up and out in a wild fashion. "Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow." "My only advice for you is this: Don't let people push you around." "Doctor, I can't stop stealing things," Quatre whined with a baseball hat mashing his hair down. "I don't stop at bases!" "Nurse, hand me those pills." Trowa took an imaginary vial from Heero, and held it out to Quatre. "Here, take these pills. They should help you." "But what if they don't?" "Pick up a Rolls for me, silver, wood burl interior, please." Yeah, there were folks rolling in the aisles by this time. Me? I kept up the applause and chuckles to let them know I cared. Hell, Wufei was smiling, hiding it behind a hand, but smiling just the same. Quatre tossed the hat into the crowd, causing a little uproar, then used his fingers to comb his hair over his eyes. "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain." "Pull yourself together!" Trowa snapped, and pushed his bangs out of his eyes with a smile. The crowd twittered as the fall of grey-streaked hair flopped back in place, covering one kohl-smudged eye completely. With a beanie cap in place this time, Quatre said, "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball." "Get to the end of the queue," Trowa replied wearily. "Aren't we about out of personalities yet?" "We're nearly out of script," Heero mumbled, which I for one thought was funny, funny, funny. "There's me!" Quatre squeaked. "Everyone forgets about me. No one notices me. Doctor, I keep thinking I must be invisible." "Who said that?" Trowa asked, looking past Quatre. He grinned and turned back to his nurse. "Actually, I like treating a patient with a split personality." "Is that because schizophrenics pay double?" Heero asked. The way Heero kept his voice flat and emotionless made his lines come off even funnier. I got hiccups. The surrounding multitude twittered and snorted like a barnyard of animals. Heero could really bring out the rustic in us all. "No only that, but Medicare pays for all of them!" Trowa laughed at his own joke. Sigh from the beleaguered nurse. "There's another patient to see you," Heero told him. "My, ah, brother. I hope you can help him." Quatre smashed a feathered 'Peter Pan' hat on his head and skipped around. Trowa folded his arms over his chest and watched seriously. "Okay, so what's your problem?" "I think I'm a chicken." "You do? How long has this been going on?" "Ever since I was an egg!" Before the laughter completely died down, Trowa asked Heero, "What's really wrong with your brother?" "Oh, it is true. He thinks he is a chicken." "And how long would you say he's been acting like a chicken?" "Three years. We would have sent him in sooner, but we needed the eggs." Trowa rolled his eyes as the audience laughed. God, that had been lame. I bet Heero hadn't written it either. "Well, nurse, I'm a busy man. I say let's close up shop for the day. I've already got the date possibilities lining up to see me tonight, and I have to look my best." "Don't become too self-absorbed; it could affect your work," Heero warned him. "You think so?" "Yes. You see, there once was a doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him." "That so? What a clever man!" Trowa laughed. He grabbed hold of Quatre's arm and then Heero's, as if testing their pulses. "This is ridiculous. We don't even have pulses. We are zombies," Quatre stressed for those who didn't get the joke the first time. Trowa slapped his hand to his forehead and threw his arms up as if in frustration. "So, that's the problem! I thought I was losing my touch." Oh, GOD! Had Trowa intended to out them all on stage, or was that just me? Well, probably just me. The throng about me leaped to their feet in an ear-splitting standing ovation. The guys all bowed and smiled and waved from the stage, saying repeatedly, "Thank you!" The director swept onto the stage, beaming, and then grabbed a microphone. "Oh, thank you, thank you all. You've been an extraordinary audience. Yes, yes, just marvelous!" The producer waited for the noise to die down and then took his turn at the mic. "We have the most exciting news! We have just been asked to take this show on the road, starting with ATLAS CITY, everyone!" "But the play sucked!" someone in the vicinity of Wufei yelled. Okay, me. Someone had to say it! "Oh, no... not the whole play, just the zombies. We'll wrap an entire musical around them!" the director reassured everyone-- me. The happy horde roared its approval, nearly drowning out his next words. I had to strain to catch the last lines. "...thank our writer who is with us tonight. Let's give a round of applause to Dorothy Catalonia for her dazzling script!" "Brain-numbing, rather," Wufei muttered. "You wanted to cut out earlier. Ready now?" "Not now. Gotta see Duo first, you know that." I could feel a headache coming on. I rubbed at my temples. "God, I was just this close to guessing she wrote the whole thing, too." "Naturally." I also wanted to get back at Dorothy for referencing me in a derogatory manner in her atrocious play. How humiliating! I saw Dorothy as she tore out from behind the scenery, berating the sets people for not firing up the flames appropriately. "What kind of a producer would have put up good money for a ridiculous script by that insane girl, I ask you?" Amy carefully folded back the last page of her play list and read me the answer, "A Mr. Zangalosky. See? Producer: Mr. Zangalosky. And that makes sense." "Why should it? Nothing else about this does..." Fay retorted. "Well, that's Dorothy's boyfriend's last name." "Who?" "Martin Zangalosky! You knew that, didn't you Miss Hilde?" "Uh—" My eyes were on glued to the stage where Dorothy had just picked up a small flame thrower and rammed the force level to 'high', screeching, "Like this!" A burst of fire blasted across the stage, narrowly missing the actors, who were flying left and right. The curtains caught fire, however, and toxic smoke billowed out over the now-standing crowd in the hall. Seconds later, the automatic sprinkling system switched on, adding a good drenching to the audience's suffering. Wufei alone seemed pleased. "What are you grinning about?" I snapped as I wiped spray from my eyes. "I finally figured out the title, Reign of Zombies." He was fighting back a smile so I knew he thought what he was about to say was terribly clever. "What's that?" I asked, playing along like a good girlfriend. "I was waiting for the rain the whole time." I blinked. He'd made a joke, and a good one, a clever one. He could gloat over it without me encouraging him. "Heh, heh...yeah... Now, move it! Excuse me! Let me through! Argh! To be taller!" After the play and after the sprinkler system had been shut down, I had to fight my way to get near Duo through a crush of girls wanting Trowa's autograph. There were plenty begging for Quatre and Heero's attention, too, blocking my path. I climbed atop some rock scenery to get a look at the lay of the land, so to speak. Quatre had worked his way around to be near Trowa. Duo was looking at them, too, and I figured he recognized that the irritated expression Quatre wore was because he wasn't the center of Trowa's attention. I jumped into an opening in the masses and slipped rather close to them. I could hear Duo as he shouted, "Hey, Quat. Looks like Tro's pretty popular all the sudden, huh? Feeling left out?" "Yeah!" I was only a step away from Duo, when stopped to check on Wufei's whereabouts. He was standing a bit off to the side, Sally Po speaking to him in passing. It was odd. I understood that feeling of Quatre's perfectly. I wanted my boyfriend's smile directed at me and me alone. I wanted to hear his voice whispering in my ear. I wanted to feel his touch. I wanted him exclusively. I wanted to be with him and him alone, the sole object of his adoration. But there he was chatting with his ex. Ex's should make themselves scarce, very scarce. Invisible would be about right. Yeah, I could understand if Quatre was a bit miffed having to watch Trowa fend off enthusiastic devotees-- while being surrounded by his own crowd of fans, the big baby! Did the poor, little rich boy think Trowa would always be dancing attendance on him? Maybe it was a good thing for us jealous types to learn to get over ourselves, and I put myself into that category. Ew yuck! Trowa had an arm draped around one girl's shoulders, and was absent-mindedly stroking her arm. Quatre looked as if he might tear off the arm from the girl's body if it didn't move soon—now. Jostling me on my other side, the producer was thrusting his way to the zombie boys, shouting crap like, "nailing down ... popular... new venture." Soon the shouting, pushing, and damp press of bodies was more than even I could stand. Knowing what I did about Heero from Duo, I wondered how he was surviving the crush of humans around him. Heero was not a crowd person. He was a loner. A warm body pressed against my back, making me want to start slugging at everyone, but then it identified itself as "my boyfriend." Wufei tickled my ear as he said, "Look at Yuy. Don't you think he's envisioning a flame thrower leveling a path, a grenade clearing the bodies and opening up an escape route?" "Yes, heh, heh..." I laughed. "He always looks that way. It's Quatre who looks really unhappy." In fact... "To hell with him!" Quatre shouted at Duo, and turned away. Oh, yeah, unhappy. Trowa appeared to be blissfully soaking up the attention without him but, "I think Trowa is looking for him." "Move over, honey," Trowa told the girl blocking his view. She wouldn't budge, though, so he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her around to the side. "What was that?" he asked the producer to repeat what he had said. Wufei strong-armed a path of his own, dragging me out with him. Somehow, Quatre had cut his way out, too, and was already standing outside the jostling crowd. "Take me out of this madhouse, please?" "How?" Wufei asked. "You want me to arrest you?" "If that's what it takes to get out the door." "I can do that." He pulled out a pair of manacles from the ether and clamped them around Winner's wrists. "It is too crowded in here for us. Hilde, you can call Maxwell later and tell him how great he did." Wufei pointed to one of the exits. "Preventers' business! Make way!" An abyss opened at our feet, the sea parted, and we moved forward. I couldn't help but poke Quatre in the ribs as he past me at the door. "I think you just lost your girl." Quatre stiffened and stared ahead, but said nothing. Okay, I'd been a bit mean, but he had hurt my little buddy with his 'soft' breakup and I'd been dying for the opportunity to push back, not that it made me feel better. When I found Wufei's car, I settled comfortably in the passenger seat up front, which meant Quatre had to crawl in back. I wondered how Mr. Rich-boy Winner would react. It wasn't a big deal, but I figured Quatre would expect to would have been up front next to Wufei with me scrunched in back. As it turned out, he hesitated only a moment, before giving me a little smile and then sliding into the back. Well, it probably felt unfamiliar and a little novel to him, I decided, but he was dealing with it well. Wufei stopped at Quatre's house first. "Thank you for the ride, Wufei. " Quatre looked at me with an open expression. "You don't like me very much, I know, and I'm sorry. You don't think I treated Duo very well, do you?" The man was blunt as a Pekingese's nose and just a cute, while I looked like the cat who raped the canary. "Right." I was too surprised to think of anything cleverer. "May I ask why?" I shrugged. "If you want to be insulted," I said, "that's up to you." He chuckled. He could really take it, blast him anyway. "No, that's okay. But he's much happier now, you know." "So all's well that ends well? Is that it? The ends justify the means?" "I don't believe so. But he's found it in his heart to forgive me and grow our friendship. As another ally of his, I'd like you to be my friend, too." Aw, wasn't he just too sweet? "Okay." I couldn't let Duo be the bigger man, could I? "I promise not to put any more salt in your "Frappychino" drink." "That was you?" He rested his hands on his hips and smiled. "I thought it was Heero all this time. I'll have to apologize to him." "What did you do to that poor guy?" Wufei asked, entering our conversation, probably to speed up its conclusion. "I've been dumping artificial sweetener in his tea." He shook his head. "He was complaining to the server about it the other day and I was afraid they might come to blows. Well, that I can resolve easy enough. See you later, Hilde," Quatre said with a friendly wave. "See ya!" He sure was polite. And nice. And, I had to admit, a classy Winner. "I do not understand you and all your gay boy friends," Wufei said. "It's a good thing," I told him, "or you wouldn't be you." "Needless to say," he said with a smug little smile, which I had to kiss. We backed down the driveway and sped off to my place for an evening of winter-cuddling and love.
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