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"Free Falling"Written By: Kaeru Shisho Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Gundam Wing
or its characters, nor do I make any monetary profit off this story. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: AU, rated for language, yaoi pairings Pairings: 2x1, 3x4 Summary: Duo searches for the key to happiness and love while free falling through life A/N: I couldn't have done this without Waterlily's
invaluable editing "Free Falling" Chapter Six Nothing remarkable happened on L4. I even managed to shave off a couple days and return to L5 early. On the ride back I did my mental transitioning, trading one blue-eyed brunet for another. I got to thinking about things. I wondered why Heero invited me to move right into his one bedroom apartment, when he had wanted to take things slowly at the beginning. In some ways, wouldn't it have been easier on him to live separately and just date? It had been convenient for me to have a roomie who was a familiar face, but, hell, moving in was very full on and very frustrating at the same time. Quatre had made the arrangements—I couldn't forget that. What had Quat's angle been and how had he convinced Heero to go along with it? Did I want to know? Probably not, but still, I did wonder. And when I showed up, Heero was especially solicitous. He made a point of getting home on time and bringing less and less paperwork home. We worked out at the gym and watched movies when we weren't keeping house, eating, sleeping or having sex, wonderful sex. It was after one of our strenuous romps in bed that Heero began another of his heart-to-hearts. The conversation started out rather tame, but then came about and hit me like an artillery tank full out. "I think you know this is a real commitment for me." Heero's voice was very low, almost a whisper. "By 'this' you mean my living here with you? I'm getting that message." "Good, you're supposed to, but there's more to it than just living arrangements, you know. Are you okay with that? I mean, do you really want to make that kind of commitment?" "I-I guess. Um, actually, I'm gonna need you to spell it out clear-like 'cause I'm not sure what that is exactly. Ah, geez, 'Ro, just tell me straight out. What do you have in mind?" He retreated a little, his eyes piercing mine with a blue-ray intensity that could fry my brain. "How about faithful? I think that's important." I leaned over and kissed him softly, just as he'd kissed me a moment before. "Like exclusive? Even when I'm on L4 and not here?" "Yes, is that a problem for you?" he asked, and I could feel angst radiating off him. "Kinda. You know, I'm not here all the time and when I'm on L4 I have, like, another life." The prickling unease I felt was totally unpleasant. I did not want to broach this subject with him. But he pushed, "Can you tell me about it?" "Can I, or will I?" "Will you... would you?" I didn't want to, but I saw no slick way out. "Duo?" Now I heard panic in his voice. What kind of scenario was he devising in that brain of his? I decided I might as well tell all. 'cause if I didn't then it would like I was intentionally hiding something to be ashamed of. And I hadn't been hiding what was going on on L4. Just partitioning off my two lives. "Sure, I guess so. It's not like some big secret or anything, but I just have kept these two parts of my life separate." His stare did not let up. "So, ah, I live alone, like I said. Hilde and I were assigned side-by-side rooms when we began at the job. Next door neighbors." "But you two were already friends." "Yeah, we really hit it off. We hung out, watched movies." All true. "More?" "Um, yeah. Listen, it's a long ways off--" "Lovers?" "Yeah, we fool around. When she wanted it to become physical, I let it happen." "So Hilde started it, your physical relationship, I mean." "Yeah, she started, or at least she asked me if I would do the dirty." "And you said yes." "Yeah, I was curious, I guess. I'd never done it with a girl and that's how humans are designed to work, you know? I was also very depressed over losing... to Trowa, and frustrated." "Sexually." "Yes, sexually-- psychologically. Hilde offered me the affection I needed at the time." "At the time? But if it went on, you must have wanted it to continue." Heero didn't miss a trick. "I guess I really cared for her and I wanted what we were doing together to go on. I didn't want to end it." "So it's lasted, what, a month?" "Or so." He looked down, diverting his eyes from mine. "And now? Is it still going on?" "Yeah, kinda, though, not so much." "Are you and Hilde...serious?" "No!" I could be emphatic about that. "It's just stress relief, really. A-And so you know, it's just with her and you're absolutely the only guy in my life." From the look on his face, I decided he needed to hear me say that last part. "But--" "But—what?" "Why didn't you just tell me before?" Why, why, why? "Remember that feeling in space, free falling one second and then gravity would kick in a second and then back to free falling—all in about a second?" "Yeah. Like a double-punch to the midsection." "Well, that's how I feel a lot of the time. I'm just hanging happy and then the ground beneath my feet disappears and I'm sunk." My hands clamped down on his shoulders, feeling the firm, solidness of Heero. "Ground me, 'Ro." But he turned away, shirking my hold. "I can't do that Duo, not right now. I think this time you should go back to L4 early." "Early? I don't want to go back at all. I mean I have to, but..." "Today, I mean." "Today? You can't mean that!" "I thought we had something really special, Duo, just you and me, but now I find out I was just a fling while you had this other life, practically a wife back on L4." "It wasn't like that-- isn't like that! I told you, she's not my wife, just a friend with benefits, like." "Then what does that make me?" My answer stuck in my throat. Nothing sounded good right now. "I trusted you enough to want a commitment, and if you can't give me that then we can't go on like this. So, go back to L4 and think about... everything." "You're breaking up with me?" "Yes. I won't be the other man in your life. If I'm not enough, if I alone can't make you happy, then... we are over. Think about it." He didn't return from work that evening. I couldn't stand the thought of sleeping alone with him avoiding me, so I did what he'd asked. I headed off to the port and arranged for transport back to L4. A whole week early! It was awful. (o) "Duo?" "Ah, geez." I was going to have to change the lock on my door and not give out the key. And, shit, that wasn't the first time I'd thought the same exact thing, and still done nothing. "Hil, I'm sleeping, or trying to—" "So glad you got back early." Not me. Not by choice. "Saw your name on "incoming". You coulda called and I'da picked you up...gone for dinner...something." "Didn't wanna bother... tired." "Oh, let's not fight about it. All that matters is that you're back early to see me. Miss me, huh?" "Ah, yeah, babe. C'mere." So, yeah. Back on L4, my life just settled back into its rather predictable pattern, though, as the hours passed, I longed to be back on L5. Well, to be precise, I longed to be with Heero. The only way that was going to happen was if I came clean with Hilde, broke that off, and went crawling back to him, begging for forgiveness. That was gonna be damned hard and there was no guarantee that he would take me back. Perhaps Quatre had done me an unintentional favor. His unexpected sexual advances and my easy capitulation had gotten me into sex, good sex, and then his dropping me like he did forced me to start over. The hurt hadn't gone deep and I got over it rather fast, 'course, I'd been a kid, and, well, not all that hurt, and I'd had both Hilde and Heero to hold. Now I was older and facing a dilemma. Hilde and I were involved in a sort of mating dance and then there was my kind of sexual tourism involving Heero as well. I wanted what came to a scaled-down version of a "mate in every port", not that I was shuttling off to partake in exotic, erotic smorgasbords for a price, I had limited myself to just the two—Hilde and Heero. Hilde knew nothing about Heero and I didn't think she'd much care. I figured she was satisfied with things as they were, didn't expect me to be faithful when I was gone to L5, and didn't even want to know - I mean, she never asked so she didn't care, right? It was possible that I was wrong about that, since I had been oh-so-wrong about Heero's expectations. When it came to Heero, I'd made no clean cut from Hilde and he'd expected me to. That was stopping him and me from moving our relationship forward—even continuing our friendship! He demanded complete faithfulness, and on L5 I was his all his. It'd never occurred to me to extend that to when we were colonies apart. What did all this tell me about myself? Well, I wasn't the hot stuff I thought I was. I had to admit to my own stupidity. The universe didn't operate to benefit me and only me. Others had feelings and needs, too, and they didn't often conform to the same rules as mine, apparently. Now, to make things right I'd have to bend my notions. I had to admit that I wanted a relationship, that I couldn't have everything my way, and that I had made a huge mess of things with Heero. Lying there in the dark night cycle of the L4 colony, trying to be quiet in my confusion so I wouldn't wake Hilde again, my thoughts kept circling back to Heero on L5, wondering if he was the person I could love with my whole heart. The answer ricocheted around my head, always coming back "yes." Sometimes it shot back "Yes, you idiot!" And the more I thought about it long enough and well enough, the answer became entrenched. I knew with unshakable surety that I wanted a relationship with Heero, which made my encounters with Hilde now seem all the more absurd. It was contrary to everything I wanted for myself. I decided that the first thing I'd do in the morning would be to ask for my key back and tell Hilde not to come in unannounced. It would be a start. Then it was morning and time to face the consequences of my crazy thought processes-- talk about the sickening "thunk" feeling you get after free falling. "Duo, why are you staring at me that way?" "What way? I'm just looking." "No, you're looking with the intent to kill. I recognize your Shinigami face when I see it." "Oh, I wasn't doing in on purpose; I was just thinking." "So? Spit out what you're thinking." "Okay. I want my key back." "Your key? You mean the key to this apartment? Why?" Ah, shit. "Privacy. Whatever! It doesn't matter why, I just want it back so I can control who goes in and out, okay?" "You think I parade other people through this place when you're not here?" "No, no, no... Hil." "Then it's all so you can control my coming in, you mean. You have someone else you wanna bring in here?" "No! You know I'm never with anyone. It's not like that." But, of course, it would be. I thought I'd just do this in stages. "Here's your damn key, then. I don't get you, Duo Maxwell. You give me your key, fix up the place nice to impress me, rush back to see me. It's like you were thinking serious about us, and then you up and take back the key. I don't get you. Not. At. All. Without me around, you'll get pretty lonely, you know. And I never ask you for much. Maybe that's the problem? I should make a few demands so you know what I expect? Well, here's something to consider. If you want bed rights, you might box up one of your precious keys and put it on a very special kind of ring, if you get my drift?" This was all said in a single breath before slamming the door on her way out. "Lock up?" I suggested hopefully to no effect; in fact, the door bounced open. I found a stray cat sleeping on my couch an hour later when I got up. Another fine mess I'd gotten into. (o) I'd put in a long day at the L4 scrap mill and was about to time out on the clock, chewing the fat with the other guys hanging out, when the Dave, freshly promoted to office manager, shouted to me. "Maxwell, it's some laaa-deee, for you." "Oooh, Maxie's got another sweetheart," Stevie, teased. "Oooh, Maxie!" hooted Carl, another scrapper. They all knew about Hilde, of course, that she was "my girl," but that we'd had a fight. No secrets at the scrap yard. "Hello?" It was actually Quatre's secretary. "Please hold." She'd put me on hold while getting Quatre. "Yeah, baby." I decided to play a joke on the guys listening in. "Missed ya like crazy. Um, yeah, I'd like that. How short's that dress you say? Oh, baby. Now I can't wait to see ya. Love ya, sweetheart." Among men, especially young men on an isolated satellite mostly concerned about their image and not too sure about their sexuality, women or the attraction of women was the mark of masculinity. How odd that I, who knew I liked both men and women, I who was certain of my own sexuality in a way they were not, was given a kind of approval because I allowed myself to be heard talking on a public telephone to a young woman light years away. They had heard me tell "my girl" in vivid terms of my adoration. For the moment, in their eyes, I was approved, I was certified straight; I was one of them. But I was not. Didn't matter, though. It gave me a little ego boost, which I actually craved at the time, but what I wanted was for them to leave me alone with my call. The ruse worked to chill their interest and they all smiled and moved off to leave me to my privacy. I heard Quatre's voice on the line and turned my back on their receding backs. "Duo! Where are you?" "Here. L4. Work. Soooo, what's up?" "I'm getting married." "You are?" "Yes!" "So, who's the lucky girl?" "Trowa, silly! We can marry on the colonies. So, what do you think?" "That's terrific, Quat. You sound happy." "Deliriously. Say, how about I come see you." "Place is small, you know." "Just me. Trowa's tied up, so to speak. Friday, okay? Like old times. I haven't seen you in ages and I want to know all about what you're doing." "Friday? Oh, cool. That's fine. Yeah. I'll see you Friday. And Quat? Congrats, really." I walked the short distance to my apartment, envisioning Trowa trussed like a chicken over a bed—of coals, bwahaha-- and went on up to my room. I pulled off shoes and socks, yanked my t-shirt off over my head and crashed. Lying on my bed, looking up at the slowly darkening ceiling, I was overcome again by a sense of loss. My world seemed to be closing in around me and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to reach out to someone but had no idea who that could be. It was Heero, of course, to whom my thoughts went most of all, but how could I call him when he was the main reason for the dark gloom which hung over me? I tried to reason with myself. Stupid. It made me think about my past, current, and future "endings". I had sure missed the boat where Hilde'd been concerned. So she'd wanted a commitment too? Geez. I got the ring hint clear as a bell. Had Quatre already told her he was getting married and put that bug in her ear? Fuck, that good thing with her had been blown to hell. I'd have to tell her I wasn't gonna marry her. End of that. I hated sour endings, and in this case, one ending followed another. Even if Quatre had not decided to dump me for Trowa, he and I would have gone our separate ways within a few weeks at most. I wasn't mansion material. Not office, either, or whatever Trowa was willing to become to tie Quatre to him. I was also sure that Quatre's decision had been best for him. It seemed so, considering what he'd said about his desire for the circus boy. I'd had my chance with Quat and I hadn't measured up, that was for sure. It had to end and it did. The reasons were good. They made sense, but logical rationale had no affect whatsoever on my dark mood. Quatre was planning to spend the night with me Friday and I was not at all sure how to handle that. If he made any move toward having sex I was sure I would not have the strength to resist, but I kept thinking that on the relative eve of his wedding announcement, sex with me was probably not what he had in mind. Heero expected faithfulness from me, which meant I'd have to turn Quatre away completely, should he go seductive. Quat wouldn't like that. How would I avoid a fuss? Ugh... Did I respect Heero's feelings enough to say "no", if asked, and send Quat to my couch? Maybe I should suggest Quat sleep at Hilde's, not that she was talking to me right now? Besides, wouldn't he think it was odd, considering how many nights he'd spent with me in the past? Oh, and I didn't want to sleep with Hilde so he could have her place—if she would even consider sharing a bed with me again. I hated dilemmas. And I knew I shouldn't even be suffering from indecision. Heero told me what he expected. I should just be strong and say no to them all! I hated dilemmas. (o) "Oh, and Hilde's on the night shift tonight. She won't be...ah...popping in." "Quat, I can't believe you arranged that. You did, didn't you? Just so we'd have no interruptions!" "Duo! You can't think I have the time or inclination to micro-manage your schedules to that degree!" "Well, maybe not the time--." "I'll have you know I checked her schedule in order to include her in this visit." "Okay, okay! Sorry for the insinuation, or whatever." "I don't know...." Good idea. "I am sorry, Quat." "Oh, Duo, I know you are. Let's just forget this whole beginning and start over, okay? My, but your place looks ... clean. Give me the tour." The tour ended with us naked in bed. I forget how, but it was all good at the time. His last fling. That's what my role model said. Bad me. On the good side, it helped me put all my relationships into perspective. Again, but this time with different results. By late Friday evening I knew without a doubt that the feelings I had for Heero were entirely different from those I had ever had for Quatre. Quatre was the first person I'd really loved beyond the brotherly sort of feeling, and he would always have a unique place in my heart, but that was that. The sex, well, frankly, after 'Ro, anyone would pale in comparison. One highlight of our romp came from my workouts. The gym time had proved valuable, toning me enough for topping Quat and holding him down, which was a perk. And topping Trowa's fiancé made me feel pretty damn great. I knew I loved Hilde as well, but there, too, it was different, distinctive. What I felt for her had grown platonic with time, the sex dwindling in importance and, honestly, losing interest for me. I had a protective affection for her, which had lasted ever since our days on L2 during the war. I'd come to know both Quatre and Hilde well, I thought. I knew their quirks, their strengths and weaknesses and moods. I could tell within a moment of her answering the phone how Hilde was feeling and how her day had gone. I could see Quatre across the room, hanger, or office and know if he was happy, sad, aggressive, passive or horny. Heero stood alone. He always remained, on some level, a mystery to me, like the inside of my own heart. I loved mysteries, watching the clues unfold over time, delving deeper for clues, learning everything I could about him, and anticipating someday completely solving the enigma "who is Heero Yuy?" "You really are a lot less fun than you used to be." Quatre was actually joking with me as he dressed to go back to Trowa and his executive suite condo with a view of the artificial park. "Heero doesn't think so." He didn't, anyway. "Really? I'm so happy for you, then. I had hopes that you two would hit it off some time." "Did you?" Naturally he did, since Quat had arranged our living arrangements, but I had let bygones be bygones and dropped that issue between us. It had worked out for the best after all, or it had. "Yes." He embraced me tightly. "I'll always love you, Duo. It brings me joy to see you so happy." Was I happy? Quatre was sure upbeat. "I wasn't sure if it would be Hilde or Heero who'd win your heart, I'm still not certain, but I can feel that glow of true love radiating from you. And I'm just so glad to have been a part of your life." "My love life, you mean." I smiled so he'd know I meant it lightly. "I know it seems wrong to you that on the cusp of getting married I wanted this." "Yeah, but who am I to judge you?" "My good friend, that's who! I thought that Catholic boarding school training would have weighted you down with a load of moral guilt." "Guess not. I absorbed the love and caring parts." "How wonderful for you! You see, marriage secures Trowa's future; it's not a chastity belt. Should something happen to me, he inherits... he's set for life. I wanted that for him." "And you love him?" I actually wasn't sure he did. He didn't sound like Heero; he didn't sound all exclusive about Trowa, which seemed a part of a permanent relationship. I got that much from hanging out with Heero. "Oh, yes, of course!" "And we're friends forever?" "Always, Duo." We parted that morning with our friendship intact. But things would never again be the same between us. Quatre was moving on and now it was time for me, too. I never had been all that promiscuous with a string of lovers a mile long, but I'd tested the waters. I knew if I ever settled down in marriage, though, it would be my last, which meant my upbringing had had some affect on my heart's intentions. Hilde clearly was waiting for that marriage proposal. Heero wanted something akin to it, if not that very thing, unspoken as yet. And me? What did I want? There was no choice, no decision to make—I already had. What was left was telling Hilde I couldn't give her what she wanted. I wasn't sure I could be everything Heero wanted either, but he would complete me. I had to wait another week until Hil's schedule and mine overlapped, giving me time to summon the nerve to break the bad news. I emptied my apartment of the few belongings I had, boxed and sent them to the L5 shuttle dock storage. All I had left was a bag and a couple changes of clothes. I was ready to move on with my life. Heero had accepted my calls, let me leave a recorded message, but hadn't spoken to me or returned a single call, which had me worried. Did he still have missions with the Preventers? I didn't think so. Here I was burning my bridges without knowing if he would take me back—not for sure. I needed some assurance and I wasn't getting it. I know it was arguable whether or not I deserved Heero's guarantee to take me back. But I wanted it. Heero remained mute. I plowed forward anyway. I invited Hilde out to dinner. I thought a secluded table in a public place would offer me the privacy to say what had to be said and some protection from a temper tantrum. It worked, but I felt cruel. She cried. She hadn't expected much better from me, which was rather insulting, but since it was true, how could I argue? I had nothing to say that could make her feel better, so when she asked to use my cell phone, I let her. It was the absolute least I could do. She crushed it with a foot on her way out. That actually inconvenienced me. I wanted to call Heero. I'd already arranged my return trip back to L5 for that night and I wanted to share my news with Heero, my decision to promise complete faithfulness to him. I headed for the shuttle launch station unsure but determined at least to see Heero. I stowed my bags in a locker at the station. While fingering a ticket in my pocket, I found a pay vid and called 'Ro again on his cell, with no luck connecting with him, then put in a call to his office. This time I got past the recorded message and found myself speaking to a staff assistant. "Mr. Maxwell? Yes, Agent Yuy is still offsite. He is due back Monday. If you wish to make an appointment-" "No, I just wanna talk." I gave up when I heard the last boarding call for my ride to L5. I usually had to battle back a rising tide of excitement on my return to L5. Just anticipating my homecoming and seeing Heero would distract me from the long boring trip. This time, though, was more like the first time. Yeah, there I was again, embarking into the unknown to face another dramatic, life-changing episode in my existence. (o) I checked into the hotel I'd stayed on my first, earth-shattering (heh, heh, Zechs never thought that was turn-of-phrase was funny either) trip to the fifth colony. It gave me a place to leave my stuff, since I didn't presume to be welcome at home and to just walk back into the place I'd shared with Heero, unannounced. I could have gone back. I had a key, but I wanted to play it safe. I wanted Heero to invite me back into his life and home, not just accept me. Or something. Maybe I was afraid to go there and see someone else's socks under the bed, or, more likely, folded away neatly in our dresser. I was nervous. I checked for junk work and found it could wait another day or two. No one was rushing to finish removing the last of the scrap. I grabbed a bite to eat at a diner walking distance from the hotel, thought about picking up a new cell phone, but nothing close by was open, so I returned to my room, took a shower, and lay awake on the bed most of the night. The next day I checked out, fed up with waiting around and riddled with anxiety. The exercise would do me good, I figured, so I hefted my gear and walked all the way to the Preventers building. Although I'd been there before, I'd been with Heero and he had all the security passes it took to move around anywhere inside. I, however, had none. I did spot five cameras and probably twice that many eyes on me. Wondering... And then... I could not believe my luck. There in the lobby I caught sight of the tightly bound ponytail at the back of the guy's head. "Wufei?" I said it just loud enough that if it were him he'd hear me. For a second, the back stiffened and then he turned a stern face my way. It was Wufei and he was rushing toward me, arms outstretched in greeting. "Maxwell! Duo! I, ah—hello!" "Just 'Duo', Wu. Don't need the last name first treatment. I ain't Chinese." I don't think he got what I was saying; at least, he ignored my attempt at humor. "I can't believe you're here of all places. I tried to call your number, but -" "My cell had a pressing engagement with Hilde's foot and lost. Haven't replaced it." I tried to make it sound like no big deal that I wasn't making it easy for anyone to contact me. "Um, I'm actually here to find 'Ro." "He didn't tell you about his court date?" His nearly black eyes bore into mine, while I let them. "He told me about your breakup." What the hell? He must have noticed my agitation, or the dent in the trashcan where I'd kicked it. "None of the details, none at all-- just that it had happened." He hefted one of my bags over a shoulder and maneuvered me out of the building and in the direction of the parking lot-- probably in order to minimize any further collateral damage from our talk. "Tell me about the court thing." He connected with my mood immediately and didn't try to drive the conversation back to prickly topics, like my break up with Heero. "I understand it was a simple matter this time. He only had to put in an appearance and Preventers arranged for his lawyer. He called earlier to say the ordeal was over and he was catching the next shuttle out of Sanc." "Oh." That was good. He was coming back here, for a while anyway. "I'm on my way there now, to pick him up. Come with me. I know it would mean a lot to him to see you." "Um." Would he want me there? He hadn't called. Oh, he couldn't have. Shit. I knew I'd be sending him a message if I could have met him and didn't. "Not caring" wasn't how I felt and not what I wanted him to think I meant. "He's been torn up over you." "We'll see about that. Sure, let's go." It was now or never, right? Heero hadn't told me a thing about the trial since the first month. He'd been living with me and that worry and not sharing. Had he been protecting me, or himself? A chill ran down my spine. Wufei was back on L5, which meant Heero and he were trading spaces once again. What if Heero was going to return to his position on Earth and he was just coming back to close the apartment?! "So, he is coming back here, not staying in Sanc...permanently?" Oh please, oh please be true! "I think that all depends on you. Again, he didn't go into details, but I got the feeling he left the ball in your court. Here's the car." The car was a standard Preventers loaner, tan and bland, but loaded with features hidden away. I thought about Heero's Astra and the feel of all that power in my hands, a lot like loving him. Everything made me think of Heero. Wufei waited in the driver's seat until I settled in. He was Heero's friend and he seemed to have accepted me as one without question, and considering how infrequently we'd been in contact since the war, I was touched. I let out some of my pent up tension with a sigh. I needed someone to talk to and Wufei sensed it with his magical Chinese intuition, or something obviously I was oblivious to. "Anything you have to say will stay right here. You have my promise." Wow. He and Quat in a room together could be amazing. Would one intuit and the other counter-intuit back? Who would win? "Duo?" "He wanted a commitment and I wasn't ready." "I see. That is a complication." "It was but I got it all worked out. I'm okay with that now." "Are you? Well, I'm sure Heero will be pleased. Have you come back to tell him?" "I'm back because I have this two week tradeoff between L4 and here, but the trash structure from the old colony... ah... your old colony, um, well, I'm nearly done with the recycling, and then I'm done here, and with no job I'm back to the L4 scrap yard fulltime, but I wanna stay here. We just never agreed on a completion plan, 'Ro an' me, not until he had that assurance outta me, which I got. I really got it. I just had this other life on L4 and I didn't see how it impacted everything else and that hurt him, but now I got no ties back there and I'm ready." Whew! That had felt good to get off my chest to someone else. "Geez, was that dumping overload, or what?" Wufei was smiling, in a kind way. "I asked for it. No, that's fine. I'm glad to hear you have conquered your loyalty problems. I think you can make Heero happy. I wasn't sure if he should count on you for support." "I'm dependable!" "I didn't know you well enough to make any determination. All I knew were Heero's plans to leave Preventers, once he felt his life had stabilized. I wasn't sure if you could be that steadying factor." "You are now?" "Not really," he chuckled, too, "He's overly stable. You'd keep him just enough unbalanced to take a few of the risks he's going to have to make." "Shit, I'm not that disruptive an influence." "You underestimate yourself. You shook him to his core—in a good way, mind you. Heero, well, I feared for his sanity after the 'incident' with his former -" "Lover? Slasher? Yeah I know all about that. 'Sokay to talk about it. So, he was pretty down?" "Very. And knowing how the isolation on L5 can depress some people-- I didn't want to do the trade for that reason. I tried to convince the commander to let us both share the position on L5, and when that didn't work out I contacted Barton to come stay with him." "You asked Trowa? Before me?" "The two had been...close... during the war and I knew Barton was looking for a change." "Oh, Trowa got his change, all right." Wufei raised an eyebrow, questioning. "I was surprised when Winner called me with a proposal of his own immediately after I'd called Trowa." "He wanted to stay with 'Ro?" "No, he suggested you." Ah, wheels within wheels... Quat was just a fucking little schemer. I could feel his eyes searching mine for a reaction. "Quit looking into my head." I snorted a laugh out my nose, imagining Quat pulling strings, his machinations moving Trowa one way and me another. "Sure he did. He didn't want Trowa to go cozy up with 'Ro, not when he was about to pursue circus-boy himself. They're getting married, you know?" "I only just received the informal announcement." "Quat broke off with me for Trowa, just before." "No, I didn't know that. That's interesting, in a heart-wrenching, soap-opera way." He ventured a little smile my way and I laughed. "If I told you I'd hadda little fling with Tro' would you think you were next in line for a Maxwell seduction?" He laughed aloud at that. "You didn't!" "Nah, no Trowa conquest." "Good, it wouldn't work anyway." "You don't think I could get him in bed with me, um, if push came to shove?" He laughed harder and pulled into a parking spot. "You have a way with words, Duo. No, I bet you could snare Barton, though you wouldn't, considering how you just told me you feel about Heero." There was a question in his eye I needed to settle. "Absolutely. I was just talking." "And you'd have no luck with me." The twinkle in his eyes had returned. "Probably not. I'm too tall, now, huh?" "Not tall enough. I have a beau, and very tall one, and if all works out he'll be joining me here on L5." "Really? A he? Here? You're staying on L5? Awesome! I don't know what to be more shocked about, that you dig men or are moving back, or that you snagged a guy of your own. 'Course, your personality's been overhauled for the better—" "Duo, shut up!" "Well, not totally overhauled--" I muttered. "Enough. Heero's shuttle just landed. We have a friend to collect." Heero looked nice in his dark suit. He'd even had it tailored to fit properly. I could see his eyes sliding from Wufei, who he had expected, to me, who he hadn't. What mattered to me was the smile that lit his face when he noticed I was there, and that was just the beginning of what was heating up between us. My apprehensions evaporated on the spot. I stepped forward and attempted one of those public-acceptable, male-male, one-armed hugs. His body melted against mine as his steel-breaking arms tightened, banding us together. "God...Duo..." "Hello, Yuy." Wufei had decided to play it cool and stand far enough away not to be a part of our gay greeting. "Chang." Heero's lips were on mine a heartbeat later, giving me a very thorough kiss. I was not unknown around here. Some of the scrap people moved through the shuttle yards and docking area. I'd logged frequent-flyer miles with all the crews. My sexuality and my orientation had been paraded about on L5 by Heero's "my savior" kiss before, making me infamously straight on L4 and just as infamously gay on L5. I was a blend, truthfully. Oh well. I could suffer the cat-calls and wolf whistles and fag taunts, if 'Ro could. Speaking of cats-- "Duo, your bag is moving," Wufei pointed out. Heero's eyes remained glued to mine, though. "How are you?" "I'm here to stay, I hope." I leaned in and whispered in Heero's ear, "Hilde and me... no more. All over." "I guessed," he whispered back, "or you wouldn't have been able to face me again." "Yeah." He was right. I bend over to pick up my bag and it lurched and snarled. "Know anyone that wants a cat?" "Is that's what in the bag?" Wufei asked. "Need I remind you the laws restricting importation of animals to—" I brought the stray out from my bag and the most wondrous thing occurred: I think I witnessed Wufei falling in love. His eyes went super soft like fur. "That is a Chinese Mountain Cat! I'll take that. A rare animal like that requires special care." Heero and I shared a special look. The cat was just a plain old tabby, but if Wu wanted to fuss it up a bit, fine with me. "Yeah, it just showed up on my couch and I, ah, moved out. Cleared the place completely. And... all." Heero was smiling. "Where are all your belongings?" "Shuttle storage. I wasn't sure—" "We'll call for a delivery, later." "So, I can come—?" "Home. Wufei is taking us home." Nothing could be better than hearing that. Wufei took us home. He was subletting a place in our building, so home was home for all. (o) I'd been at this "L4 to L5 and back" crap commute for over 4 months before suffering my second nightmare. It ruined my first night's sleep back with Heero. I tossed and turned in and out of my dream fugue state. There was fire and lots of explosions all around me, oh, and screams, lots of screams. "Duo! Duo, wake up!" My eyes flew open. "God, 'Ro!" What a relief to see his concerned face staring into mine! I leaned my head into his chest, holding him there long enough to convince myself he was in fact real. I listened to his heart thumping life-giving blood through his system. "Duo, you okay?" I inhaled a much needed breath and sat up a bit more so I could see his eyes. I couldn't make out the color in the darkness, but my mind could fill in that detail. The intensity was there. He was real, alive, and so was I. With the fear of losing him still fresh in my mind from the nightmare, I wanted nothing more than to cement him to me, forever. We had a bond, had always had a bond, and now was the time to make it permanent. Like he wanted. Like I wanted, too. I looked him square in the eyes. "I love you, Heero. More than anything in this world, I love you." Release of the words brought a release of my tears. I had exposed myself fully. The words had been spoken and there was no turning back. "I love you" begged for a response. The few seconds immediately after that declaration were terribly lonely. "I know Duo. I never doubted it for a second." His warm hand cupped my cheek and he held me in his eyes. "Plus, you've been saying it all night." Sleep-talking was such a curse. I saw a bright, proud smile flash across his face. "I love you, too." I pulled the blanket over us and then I liquefied, pouring myself over and into the man I loved. Holding him like that I enjoyed a deeper intimacy than ever thought possible with another person. I had never felt so warm inside. I'd never, ever felt so loved, so cherished than there, safe and secure within his arms. My restless nights could come to an end. I didn't want to lose consciousness. I didn't want to miss a second of that experience. But, the warmth of love and acceptance made for a powerful sedative that eventually swept me away into a peaceful sleep. (o) The next day we talked. I talked a lot. I bowed down and offered my heart on the altar of love, and he raised me onto a pedestal to worship. Not really, but the sex was out of this world. I closed his lips with my own again and we resumed our exchange of feelings. And then we talked some more. We celebrated our fifth month sharing a house on L5 with Italian takeout brought in, and over it we planned our future. I had another job to do on L5 then I was done. Heero would schedule down at Preventers and let Wufei take over where he'd left off. Together we would launch his new space building engineering firm. He had hundreds of innovative ideas to use. My expertise at tearing things apart actually had applications for putting things together. "One of my modules can be deployed by pulling apart two hard-shell end domes until the interior box truss snaps into place." He showed me animated designed on his laptop. "That is so cool, 'Ro." He was brilliant and mine and I loved him to the bursting point. We poured over his notes, me pointing out things I understood. "All circulation, power, and data connections are located in the connector nodes?" I asked. "How cool is that for easy construction. No tools!" He glowed. I got what he was doing and he was proud of his work and in love with me. I pointed out a few improvements which would make all of Heero's components have the capacity for disassembly and reuse indefinitely, avoiding the material degradation issues that would the inevitable result of recycling. I knew recycling inside and out. He was so excited about my measly input, you'da thought I designed it all. God, being in love with him was so easy, so natural, so wonderful. Why had I ever had a problem with this, I wondered? I'd been an idiot, maybe? (o) I left the house for work that day feeling a little giddy. "I'll see you later," I told Heero, and then walked into the closet by mistake. Over his laughter I heard him say, "I don't think so, you don't even know where to find the door." I hoped the entire day wouldn't go that way. I didn't want to cut off the wrong piece of colony or hurt myself. I didn't. As it turned out, away from 'Ro's aura, I was sane and capable of operating large machinery. I put in a solid day of work, cutting sorting, and loading the last of the old war-damaged L5 colony structure on a freighter. That was it. My job on L5 was over. I hadn't actually given notice on L4; I was on official paid leave, Quatre's choice. I was looking forward to planning my role in Heero's company and helping him get it built. This was an exciting time. A fresh new venture. Our plan for the evening was to meet with Wufei and go out to dinner to celebrate our future. He proposed meeting his boyfriend there and introducing us all. He'd been keeping the guy's identity a huge secret. Maybe Heero knew, but I didn't. I could wait and give Wu his chance at surprising me. I walked at a pretty good clip to our door, excited, but hesitated outside in the hallway. The door was ajar. I heard voices within. Heero's voice, low and tight, clearly sounding upset, grinding out something I couldn't completely make out. "—no... I won't." And a woman's voice, Hilde's of all people, said, "I don't mean I'd want him for a roommate by choice, but there was less of an urge to maneuver him toward an open window than most guys I know." "You don't love him. Not like I do. You did this just to get him—" "Oh, Lord, I'm crazy for love, but not that crazy!" They were talking about me. Me! I burst into the room. "What the hell?" Something inside me twisted when I saw Hilde perched on an arm of our couch and Heero, ashen, and staring through me, but I pushed it away violently, preferring instead to see how things played out. What happens when matter and anti-matter come together in the same time and space? No one knows because the violence of the effects keeps wiping out the evidence. Let me tell you, I've seen it, lived through it, and at the moment of contact I wished the two of them did obliterate the known universe and take me with them rather than have to deal with the outcome. "What are you doing here?" I asked Hilde. "How did you get my address? 'Ro? What's going on?" "You shoulda told me about him," she said. "Maybe...I disagree, but doesn't matter. It's too late now. We are over, like I told you." Heero took her hand and led her to me. "What are you doing, 'Ro?" "I've reconsidered," Heero said to her. He said it softly, tears forming in his eyes. "And I can't do this." "Do what?" I asked, my voice a bit unsteady. Suddenly, Hilde's hand caught mine in a sort of death grip. "Do what? Talk to me. God damn it! Will somebody tell me what's going on?" I let anger and frustration take over, because it was better than showing the fear I felt as my life spiral out of control, free falling with nothing to ground me. And then things just got a lot worse. Heero looked at me and smoothed a few stray hairs out of my face. "You have a ...a... baby on the way," he murmured. I fought to keep my brain from shutting down immediately after that news, and hear what he was telling me. "I don't think I could ever live with myself if I took you away from your child. It's not right that you live with me if it means your offspring will grow up without a father." "What? I never wanted to be a father!" I protested, freeing my hand from Hil's with some effort. This couldn't be happening to me! "I know, but you are. That changes things. Sometimes you just have to do what's right, even if it kills you inside," the love of my life replied, tears rolling freely down his face. "I don't believe this! Not to be too insulting here, but, Hil, how can you be sure it's mine? And 'Ro, why do you believe her?" "She has proof. Test results." "Oh, yeah? Lemme see'im." She spoke to me for the second time since I walked in. "Not with me. On L4. I knew when you broke up with me; it just took a few days to get the DNA results." "And you didn't think to inform me then? You had to come here and fuck with my life here? Fuck up the best move I'd made in my life? Do you see how I might not believe you?" "You hurt me, leaving. I didn't know what to say. I came here to tell you... I never suspected you and Heero were...lovers!" "Yeah, well—" Fuck. "We gotta computer. Show me the proof first." I was a bit startled when Heero suddenly turned towards me and shoved Hilde into my arms. I looked at my lover in surprise and caught his wrist. "What. . .?" "Don't say anything more that might hurt what relationship you've got. Take care of her, Duo, and be a family." "B-but--! 'Ro, it can't be true. It can't. Will ya just gimme a chance to prove it?--!" I sputtered, but he cut me off to speak directly to Hilde. "And you... Duo and that baby are the best things that will ever happen to you. If you take them for granted or hurt either of them in any way, you'll have me to answer to," Heero said gruffly. "'Ro?" I breathed hard, eyes wide and my knuckles white where I gripped him. This was not happening! "There's some screw up somewhere." He smiled through his tears and put his hand on my head. "Goodbye, Duo. Do your best with your new family." "No!" I choked, straining against Hilde's arms. "Don't you ever let him go," Heero said, leveling his blue-eyed gaze at Hilde. "Heero, I love you!" I cried, struggling. Heero wiped his eyes with the back of his forearm. "I love you, too, Duo. I always will, no matter what. But now, you have to go." He thrust us into the doorway. "No! Don't do this! I want to stay here with you! Don't push me away!" "I have to. Others need you more than I do," he said, and turned away to close the door. "NO!" I screamed, starting to cry. "Take care," he said over his shoulder, and closed the door. I could hear the latch slide shut from the inside. "Heero!" I screeched, voice breaking. "Open up!" I pounded on the door until my fists bled. "Duo, he's made up his mind. Let's go back to L4." Oh, dear God? What had I done?
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