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"Braid"Written By: Kaeru Shisho Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Gundam Wing
or its characters, nor do I make any monetary profit off this story. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: AU, male/male pairings, language Pairings: 1x2. 3x4. 5x6 Summary: The interlaced stories of the GW pilots
mirror their entwined friendships as they romance their way through
life. "Braid " Chapter 7
(o) Wufei's POV How long had I been sitting in the park woolgathering? Shivering to set my teeth to chattering was enough to get me back on my feet. For an hour or more, I walked fast to get my blood moving. When I paid attention to my surroundings, I realized that I was quite close to Milliardo's Sanc estate- well, house. It was small. Bigger than a hut, smaller than a manor. An abode. Dear, ancestors, what nonsense I was muttering! He told me that he avoided the repaired Sanc Palace, leaving that to" Relena and their family portraits", and lived in a cottage in a very ordinary college neighborhood. I knew it, of course, because I'd walked past it on numerous occasions when I didn't know who lived there and a couple times (countless) since I did know. He hadn't said whether it was a rental or he owned it or whether or not he was planning to stay in Sanc for long or go gallivanting around the universe again. I knew nothing of his plans for the future, but I knew where he was living, and that's where my feet were carrying me. Two blocks, I thought. Just walk to the end of the street, turn left, walk two blocks. Off-white house. Maple tree in the front yard. I stood restlessly, shifting my feet in that direction. I'll just look. My fingers worked at my stress-stiffened neck as I walked, this time counting the trees I passed. I counted. I knew how many trees were before his trees. How lame could I be? Not as lame as my legs. My legs deteriorated as I moved closer. What a feeble mess I was! Not only my limbs, but my ability to reason was deteriorating rapidly. What day of the week was it, and why couldn't I recall what Mill had told me? Would he be in? Seeing the house jolted me back into the here and now. He wouldn't be home tonight. I remembered, now that I had walked all the way, that he had mentioned visiting his sister. The house seemed empty, so that was probably right. There were no lights on. There was no car in the drive; he wasn't likely to be home. I let out a shaky breath. Well. Wasn't that a fine cauldron of soup? Now what? Crawl home? Apparently not. My feet took off on a path of their own choosing. The gravel in the drive crunched under my shoes, loudly. I winced at the noise, dropped my hand from my stiff neck, slowed down. I'm just looking. I pushed open the unlocked gate and minced around back. His patio was tiled with shale slabs, hard and quiet. I crept up the steps, and across towards the back door, feeling slightly detached from my actions. I didn't really know what I wanted or why I thought I wanted whatever it was I wanted or what I thought I was doing at his house, if he wasn't there. I wish I could shut off my brain and its ceaseless questioning and defending, is what I really want! My body hummed with nerves and tiredness and cold; my eyes were dry and wide. I should just go home. But instead, my fingers slid over the wooden doorframe, and I rested my forehead against it. I wanted in. I wanted to lie on the couch and hold Milliardo naked. Let me in! I went as far as pull open the screen door to get at the main door. Of course, it didn't open. I was pressing a locked door. Idiot! My arm jerked back compulsively and the screen door slammed shut, hard, making a loud noise, which up to then I'd successfully avoided. Spooked, I jumped backwards looking around. I had been certain that no one was home, but now? I am certain he is here. My heart was beating erratically, when Milliardo appeared out of the mist. He called out softly, "Wufei? That is you! What are you doing out here so late?" Mist? I blinked repeatedly to clear my vision. Very localized mist remained and appeared to be contained in the back yard. Rising over a hot tub enclosure. Of course, you nitwit! The man had been in the hot tub, but now he greeted me with a towel wrapped casually around his waist and steam rising off his overheated naked body- quite a sight for my sleep-deprived eyes. He moved closer, right up beside me so that I could feel his warmth penetrate my frosted exterior. "I only just returned home a few minutes ago and needed... something to relax- damned woman." Woman? What damned woman had he been seeing? I stood in thought a moment. Yes! Relena, his sister. He'd been meeting with her. His nose rested lightly against my cheek. It burned away all thoughts of Relena, and I groaned and slid my face against his. The feeling was insanity. My body roused. My sleeping brain jerked. My mouth opened involuntarily, and I felt myself slipping back. I was becoming an open wound again. One of his hands gripped my arm, probably saving me from falling and cracking my skull open on the slate tile—talk about wounds. Another hand slid underneath my neck, cradling my head—another good idea. His lips scraped along my jaw towards my lips. "Oh!" A pained sound convulsively exited my throat as he covered my lips with his. Ohyesohyesohyesohyes! His hot tongue slid in past my teeth and pulsed next to mine. Desire speared my heart and sliced from my chest to my groin. Even my thighs ached. My body strained backwards, arching up to meet his mouth. He teased my lips, withdrawing his tongue, nibbling on them, swiping his tongue possessively across them. An irrational craving swelled in me. I could burst with need! "You are so sweet," he breathed against my swollen mouth, "Oh yeah... you taste so sweet." I made a nonsensical moan. What other sound could I make but the sound that matched my weak and muddled insides? "I've missed you," he nibbled my lips again, little licks and bites. Ancestors! I had to pull away, but I was weak, so weak and unworthy. I felt like I was trying to swim upwards through sludge. I didn't want to think about sludge! Then his mouth moved to my neck, nuzzling my head back away from my shoulder, exposing my flesh, feasting on it. I cried out, losing my restraint. My hand clutched convulsively at his head, pressing it against me, and I was lost. And then it all stopped! He pulled away. Get back here! "You're freezing! How insensitive of me!" Nononononono! Who cares if I get a little frost bite? I'm burning up inside! "Come warm up in the hot tub. You'd like that, right?" he asked, gently leading me that way. "Uh, yes, but I didn't bring anything to wear." Yes, I actually said that. I noticed the stiff object in my pocket, poking me in the arm as he steered me forward. That girl's love letter. I still had that damned thing with me. I knew it was time to hand it over, and give away the love of my life. He'd know her. He'd want her, too. What man wouldn't? Well, me, but I was gay and I hated her, because she was everything I couldn't be and Milliardo could appreciate that. He'd dated women as well as men. He could have anything, literally, he wanted, and that letter would seal the deal for her. I should have thrown it out, but then what would my ancestors have thought of that unjust act? My inner voice had an answer to that. Criminal! Perverted criminal! I was trembling uncontrollably, and I used the last few moments of foolish mental flagellation to look upon his face for what was very likely to be the last time- before he left me behind. It took every bit of strength and courage that I had, but I gave it to him. I actually GAVE the fucking love letter to him! Not too bright, and yet I was nearly a professor in the university system. (What does that say about our educational system?) I didn't want to see him read it. I practically threw him the letter and said, "Here...Here! Take it. It's for you." He took the crumpled note and gripped it in his teeth. I was shivering uncontrollably, so he helped me out of my shoes and clothes, and then into that steaming cauldron of pleasure. We kissed and touched and held each other for countless minutes. It was restorative. My mind re-engaged. It was then that I moved around to the other side of the hot tub, avoiding his disturbing intimate contact. What makes me think that it's my turn to be happy for a change? All my friends had gone off and found their true loves, and while they may have thrown them away, at least they had been happy once. It seemed everybody had had love dropped in their lap. But not me. I had to search and struggle to find love, and when I finally found it, it was for someone I could never have. I suppose life was meant to be punishing for some people, but that was no reason to string out my own torment. He was trying to talk sensibly to me, but I would have nothing of it, naturally. "Wufei? Are you all right?" Wufei!" "What? What! Milliardo?" "I asked how you felt...about me. That's why you came here...tonight, right?" Was it? "Did you read the note?" Milliardo shook the water off a hand and delicately opened the note and read it completely. He smiled. "Yeah?" I said, trying to sound as normal as possible. "Wufei, you must move closer," he said. He was obviously excited about the note, and I knew it would be torture to hear him talk about it. Great. Is this my chosen punishment for having aimed too high? To suffer through hearing him talk about his new love life and future sex life? Rubbing it in my face, reminding me what I have given up, and that I have lost out for no other reason than I am too fucking scared to open my damned mouth and say something when I have the chance? I thought about making up an excuse, but I just couldn't say "no" to him that night. "Okay...okay," I repeated, just as dull both times. The look on his face was indescribable, so full of light, so full of joy. It only made him ten times more beautiful. "Wufei...I don't know what to do with myself! I'm speechless." He was practically jumping up and down. It was almost funny seeing him so happy. I would have laughed, if I hadn't been hurting so much. "So you read the letter?" The words squeezed by my gritted teeth, past my compressed lips. "Absolutely. I'm really surprised! I'd never have had the guts to put my feelings in a letter. A poem or something, maybe, but... This is so... remarkable, really. I've been dreaming about it, but I never thought I had a chance in hell!" Ha! The very thought of Milliardo thinking he didn't have a chance in hell with ANYBODY was downright ridiculous. I mean, if not her, someone at the university was bound to fall for him sooner or later. ALL the girls and a good portion of the males everywhere across the universe seemed susceptible to his charms, if the media reports were to be believed. Well, bravo for me. That little note really made him happy, happier than I ever would have, probably. I decided it was time to cut my losses and move on; at least, I knew he'd have someone. Play the martyr to the hilt, if nothing else. Ancestors, he's so special to me. At any rate, I recognized without a doubt what love felt like. Like I need that! "No chance?" I blurted out. I felt a touch of laughter tickling my ribs; I was far too close to hysteria to be talking. "Of course you had a chance, you're one of the hottest guys in all Sanc; you know that. Heh heh..." "It did, it finally happened. Wufei...I just want you to know...that I feel EXACTLY the same way," Milliardo said, his smile threatening to rip is face apart if it got any bigger. Well, at least I knew he liked this girl, too, wherever he'd heard of her or met her somehow before. I hadn't thought from the way she'd talked, that they'd ever met. Maybe it had been written in the stars, a forgone conclusion?! So what? Like I'd already acknowledged, he'd be happy. Maybe we'd still get together once in a while. Maybe they'd break up in a few weeks and he'd need a shoulder to cry on. I'd be here for him if he needed me. I'd always be there, pathetic little creature that I'd become. "Good, I'm glad. I hope it all works out," I said, forcing onto him all the false well wishes that I could muster. It hurts, oh ancestors, it hurts! But this was what he wanted and what I wanted for him. Terrific. I would have something to look back at twenty years from now when I might want to remember what true love really felt like as it was being stripped from my soul. That's when something happened that let me know something wasn't quite connecting here. Milliardo hugged me tightly around the neck, saying, "It will work out, Wufei, because I've never loved anybody else this much. I love you, too, Chang Wufei, more than anything. Thank you." "Eh?" Was this for real? Then, before my brain could continue to process what was going on, and allow my imprudent mouth to say something remarkably inane or insipid or both or worse, he loosened his grip and kissed me on the lips. He took me completely by surprise and I felt weak, helpless, breathless. Shock got the better of me and I backed up, losing my balance and falling back against the side of the hot tub. I hit my head and slipped down beneath the water. All done in the most elegant manner possible, of course. "Wufei? Are you okay?" Milliardo asked, half concerned, half grinning as he dredged me up. I was just...I couldn't believe...my mind went completely blank. No words would come to the surface, some water spurted, but no words, no emotions could be described, or explained. I just sat there, dripping, coughing, wondering if it was all real, or if I was going to wake up in a second and have to put my Milliardo plushie up on the bookcase. (And, no, I didn't really have a Milliardo stuffed toy, but I'd seen Heero's Duo-plushie.) "Y-uh (cough, cough), I'm fine." Milliardo regarded me, while I regained my senses. "You know, I just told you I loved you, too. You could look a little bit happier," he said jokingly, or not. I don't know what made me say it the way I did, or why I couldn't just let down my defenses and enjoy the kiss. I had been waiting for him to say those words, and the second I did, I screwed it up and nearly gave myself a concussion in the process. Well, that's why, of course. I had knocked myself senseless, and now I felt I had to tell him the truth. "Milliardo...I didn't write the letter, some girl named Amelia did." "Oh, of course," he laughed. But I looked at him, and he saw the truth in my expression. His joy faded quickly, and I saw his joyful face melt into one of utter misery that almost brought tears to my eyes. His smile was the first to go, then his eyes lost their youthful glow, then his shoulders dropped, then the rest of him transformed in sections to the sad figure that half-floated before me. He looked over again at the letter he'd left resting on the edge of the hot tub. The ink was smudged and blurring from the wet steam. "You...you mean...you didn't write this? You're not...'The one I've been waiting for'?" His voice expressed so much shame and despair, I couldn't answer him; I could only shake my head. "Oh...oh God...Wufei...I'm so... shit, embarrassed. I...I...look, this didn't happen, okay. None of it, this never happened. I'm sorry. Just...just...forget about it." When I looked up again, tears were welling in his eyes. He turned his back on me, attempting to hide his shame , but he was hurting and the pain was showing through his front and back, inside and out. I sloshed over to him in the tub and put my arms around him from behind. Why can't I say it? The mystery was gone, the risk was gone, and the love was real, so why couldn't I just say the damn words? They choked me, refused to come out, they betrayed me and forced themselves downward to hide away in the dungeon where I had kept them locked up. I needed a magic charm to disenchant my lips! "Why? Why don't you want me?" Milliardo's voice caught in his throat. He was fighting back a sob. "Oh damnit, Wufei, if you don't want me I'm not worth the air that I breathe." I hugged him tighter, wishing I had the strength, wishing I could just say it, just once. I was crying harder than he was, and then, as if on reflex, I stood out of the water and kissed him on the cheek. "STOP IT!" he shouted, pulling away from me. "Don't you see, you're making it worse? I thought you were above all those others, better than they were. And then if you could love me, then I must be good, too. That I deserved you somehow. Now I know how much it hurts. God, I couldn't help it Wufei, please believe me. It's just, you're so wonderful, you treated me like a real person and you listened to my problems. You were the first person I ever trusted. I just...I just couldn't..." He hit the water with his fist sending a flood rushing out of the tub and repeated how sorry he was for everything, and it ripped a hole in my very being, but it didn't break the seal on my imprisoned lips! It didn't open the dungeon! Then, out of nowhere, the magic vault opened. It was as if someone had turned an enchanted key—no, not just someone, Duo. Duo, of all people! I pictured his face telling me what he knew I needed to hear, what he enlightened me about, more than once, "Don't wait too long". The chamber holding my heart's desires opened and out rushed all these words to my lips, rocketing to the surface, stale from being held captive for such a long time. It still wasn't easy to say. First, I merely mouthed the words, and then they turned into a whisper, shy, low speech. But the spa's jets blasted on and Milliardo couldn't hear me. Chang Wufei, always smooth. "Milliardo!" I punched him. "W-what?" I'd definitely "gotten inside his mellow", as Duo might say. I was clearly channeling Duo. {editor's note: who better?} I pointed to the jet controls and he nodded. When the bubbles subsided, I stagger-spoke on. "Er, ah...give me a moment. I want to get this right. I don't want to have to go back and say it again because I screwed something up. I just hope...I mean...I like you and everything and all but..." I was stalling and baulking stupidly. "You came here, tonight...all this...to what? Reject me formally or something?" Milliardo gasped incredulously. "No! NO! No, sorry...no. I just don't know how to tell you...how much this means to me...how much you mean to me." His eyes dilated I could feel his muscles in his legs and arms relax, so I hastily went on. "Look, I like all the touching and kissing and all, but I want this to be more than just about that, okay? It is more than just that, right? I mean, for you too? It's more than just-" "-Just physical attraction," he said at the same exact instant that I did. I gasped, "Yes. I don't want us to be about just... physical attraction. I mean, there's plenty of that... plenty! But, I want more from you, Milliardo. That's all. I just needed to get that out in the open." "Very wise to do that. And I want more than that... too," he said slowly. "But I want to hear you say it... to me." That's when I felt myself floating so that I lay across him, my chest pressing against his chest. I put my mouth right next to his ear and whispered the lovely words, the delightful lilt of them getting easier and easier to say each time. "I love you, Milliardo. More than anything. I love you, I love you, I love you." I kissed his warm, prickly chin, and this time I took the time to enjoy it. I felt him relax even more, his head turning slightly to allow me to kiss more of his skin. It was at that point that I realized exactly what I was doing! I was kissing him! I was kissing the man I admitted to loving, and he was letting me! And he loved me too! Oh wow! I could feel him breathing under me. My heart raced, my head spun, and I was so close to having everything that I could ever want in life that it scared me. I was actually terrified by the feelings that I had; the desire to completely give myself over to Milliardo and become one with the man who had been slowly changing my life. "I love you. I want you to love me for real and nobody else." That made him moan out loud, and his arms stretched out in front of him as he arched his back and stretched underneath me. I felt his smooth body tense up, and my hands traveled down the subtle curves of his sides. While he was stretching, his body became tight and firm, like having a cat stretch underneath me. I whispered again, "I need you Milliardo. Just say the words, please say you'll be mine, just mine." Milliardo moaned again, even louder. My voice was turning him on something fierce, and it made me feel so good to know I was arousing him beyond his wildest dreams. My body was numb with excitement, my mind was lost in the moment, and my heart, my poor abused heart, found a new purpose, and it seemed to pick up an extra beat, just for him. "Pleeeeaaase Milliardo, say it. Say I can have you. I want you, I want you so bad." I knew it was driving him crazy, I knew he was insane with passion, and I wanted to fulfill his every fantasy. I wanted him to know my love was forever, and that his spectacular beauty, as well as the gentle side of his spirit and good natured personality, had never once gone unnoticed. "Is that... all?" He was only just audible. "Well, I'll love you and nobody else in return." "Really?" "Absolutely." "Okay, Wufei, you convinced me. We'll do it your way..." he gave me a twisted smile and finished, "...since it happens to coincide with my way." "Okay. Um...well, ah..." "What now? Want me to sign something, to commit?" "I think I should." I turned on my charm, ordinarily locked in the "off" position. That startled him. His arms dropped. "Where?" "Here," I offered him my right arm. "I haven't a pen on me," he said cautiously, not being the gaming sort that evening, I guessed. "Use whatever's handy...like your tongue." Get it now lover-boy? "My t-...? Oh," his smile returned. He signed for hours, and then turned to Braille. He was conversant in several languages. I don't know whatever became of that love note. We never spoke of it again. (o) Heero's POV Four damn years. I'd told him to wait four fucking long years before subjecting me to his advances again. It would be torture. Why had I said that? Well, I was unstable around him, that part has been clear from day one. I hadn't expected Duo to have shaped his own unique version of "second thoughts" and come after me like that. Where were we now? What had all started out as a spark between two friends had grown into mutual attraction, which had snowballed into something more serious and, until now, unspoken. He claimed his desires for sex had matured into a feeling for me that went deeper. And, if I'd admitted it, the same was true for me. Importantly, we had had this tacit agreement not to go there and remain co-workers and friends. I thought that's what it was. Had we actually talked about all that, had I in particular talked to him, we might have worked something out. But what transpired was a complete failure on my part and a mortifying experience that ruptured our friendship. There was this implicit agreement to remain friends, and then he had his second thoughts and told me how he felt and since I couldn't give him what he wanted, not at that time, I put him off. I was too damned possessive to just free him entirely. No, like the asshole I was, I told him to come back in four years. That must have scared him. It scared me. And he ran away. I didn't learn how he dealt with all the emotional flack until later. I'm not sure if things would have turned out differently for us, had we talked things over like two adults, but it would have saved us both some heartache. Instead, I made quick work of moving on, settling into my challenging class schedule, while he made a new life on L2. And then another monumental event took place.
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