"Braid"

Written By: Kaeru Shisho

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Gundam Wing or its characters, nor do I make any monetary profit off this story.

Rating: NC 17

Warnings: AU, male/male pairings, language

Pairings: 1x2. 3x4. 5x6

Summary: The interlaced stories of the GW pilots mirror their entwined friendships as they romance their way through life.

"Braid "

Chapter 6

(o) Duo's POV

Try as I like, and did try to listen to what Heero had to say to me, but my mind went a bit numb. I heard "L2" mentioned, but missed some details.

"- not ready for a boyfriend right now... Nothing personal," he was saying, "You...you're as good as the next guy, no I didn't mean that. You're better than most guys. I have nothing against you; it's just that I'm not ready to give up-"

I didn't want to hear about the other men in his life. The ones I knew about, mutual friends, were bad enough. I turned on my side and gave him the sincerest look I could manage in return. "I ah, Heero...I swear, I um... I mean, I'm really flattered that you even spend time with me. "

His face flushed suddenly and he looked away. Funny dude. I decided it was time to say what I'd come to tell him.

"Uh, you know...um...uh, I go to counseling. I've been going off and on, mostly off, but I started going when I started at the university, what with the health care they gave us for free. It's not that I'm totally messed up or psycho or anything...it's just...well, I have a little ADD...Attention Deficit Disorder, actually...and it helps me to cope with it. I mean, it was great for my piloting skills, but less so for sitting still in a classroom trying to stay focused and all for hours on end. So, now ya know another of my dirty little secrets. You must think I'm even more messed up now," I said glumly.

"No, I think you're just real," he replied. "You're one of the few people I've ever met who doesn't try to be something he isn't...you aren't perfect, but you don't pretend to be. I'll admit you're pretty well hidden inside your goofball personality most of the time, but you are for real."

"Um, thanks." I hadn't heard him say that much personal stuff in a long time, if ever. "Most people think I'm acting, but that's not so. I just have a complex personality." I tried out a grin. "What you see is what you get, at the moment," I said gamely.

"I respect that, " he said sincerely, "but you don't strike me as the super hyperactive type."

Okay, so he's not a great psychologist, but it sounded so good coming from him I couldn't disagree, could I?

"No," I laughed. "ADD can be with hyperactivity, or not. I'm mostly not. I guess I'm more of the shy, daydreamer type of ADD, you could say, heh, heh. But, it's ok...sometimes I think it's as much of a blessing as it is a curse. I have some unique talents...ADD people are well known for their creativity, and their ability to see things in a different light. You know, people like Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison?" I asked. "Both ADD people."

"I guess that's cool enough," he agreed.

I was heartened a little bit by his apparent understanding. But, I knew I had one more question that I really wanted to ask him...well, needed to ask really. I wasn't sure how he would react, but I just had to know.

He gave me a strange look, but didn't say anything, like Quatre sometimes scrutinized me when he was trying to "read" my feelings, as though he was trying to see something that wasn't quite in focus on my face, only Heero's eyes were like dark blue screws boring right through to my heart. And it was as painful as it sounded.

I jumped up, and then I passed out.

The next time I opened my eyes I made the mistake of sitting up too fast and feeling dizzy. I laid my head back against the pillow again, and stared at his ceiling for a minute. I took a deep breath, and suddenly I noticed it...the scent...the smell...of him. Since I had awakened in the room, it had been scratching at the back door of my consciousness, but only when my mind relaxed enough to let it creep in. I could smell his cheap shampoo, which got me to thinking that I'd like to buy him something nice for his hair, a minty conditioner. Suddenly my head was spinning again with so many different emotions... I was lying on Heero's bed in Heero's room. And he was sitting in a chair looking anxiously at me.

"Duo? Are you awake? Are you okay? You really had me scared for a minute there, fainting away like that! Your blood sugar must have gone off. Was the pie I gave you the only thing you've eaten all day?"

He didn't wait for me to answer.

"Obviously it was. You're damned lucky I'm strong and caught you before your head hit the floor! Not something that head of yours needs."

"Uh...Heero?"

The world had regained its customary shape and outlines by the time he'd finished his monologue. Let's just say my plans to seduce the guy failed to materialize and I'd fucking fainted! I wanted to dissolve into the fabric of space and disappear, not face him and explain. But, this being my life and all, I started babbling.

"I, uh... I have to go. I'm really late for a job interview, for which I have little interest, but friends set it up for me and will probably kill me if I just blow it off, however... I really want to know something... and I don't wanna piss you off or anything...or make you feel threatened in any way...but, well...um...I hope it doesn't bother you that I'm, ah... attracted to you...uh...physically ...you know, sexually...I mean, I like you as a person too—a lot! I love you! I just can't help it...how I feel about you, ya know? It's like I don't really have a choice about it...I just do, okay? I just want you to see me. The real me and know...that how I feel is real and only for you. But, I don't want you to feel strange about it, and I don't want to let that stop us from being friends, okay?"

During my monologue, I kept my eyes closed, figuring that it would be harder to cry that way. I tried my best to prepare my heart for the awful truth of the rejection that I was sure would follow. Hadn't I practically proposed when I told him I had a great job on L2 and totally awesome digs ready and waiting for me... for us? And then hadn't he already told me a numerous times that he wasn't ready to give up his studies for a boyfriend on L2?

After I'd waited for what seemed like a really long time, I opened my eyes and turned my head in his direction. He was staring blankly out the window again, and I could see a little shine in the corner of his eyes.

Tears, Heero's tears. Oh, God... I could have taken nearly any form of punishment but that!

"Uh...you know, Heero...I mean, if it really bothers you, then I'll just do my best to put those feelings aside, okay? I just want us to be friends. That's more important than anything to me, really! Can we remain friends, please?" I begged.

He just turned and looked at me. Our gazes locked together again for a long while, and I was totally hypnotized by his dark blue eyes. I could literally feel him searching every nook and cranny inside my soul...looking desperately for the answer to a mysterious question. A very important question, it seemed, but one I didn't know the meaning of.

He remained totally silent, still searching my eyes desperately as I sat there. I could sense a battle raging inside him again, and it began to scare me a little. I noticed one small tear run down his face, and I decided maybe it was time for me to go before I fell apart. Or he did. Or we both did.

"Uh...well, ok then. I'm feeling better...don't worry; it's no big deal, really. I can get home all right. See? I'm just fine now. Um...I'll see you tomorrow, Heero. You...uh...take care of yourself, okay?" I said hesitantly.

All I got in return was that same desperately, intently searching gaze. And another small tear. And then as I was about to walk out the door, he whispered, "Give me four years. Where ever; whatever. Come back and ask me again, then. Now, get the hell out of here."

Man, did that haunt me for the longest time. It made me think of my other friends, if they ever suffered for love like I did— like Heero and I did. All the way home I thought about waiting and how I imagined that would be like.

Wufei, I remembered, had told me he could wait forever. Romance was off the table for him, for whatever whys and wherefores. He kept his reasons privately closeted. I needed to tell him he was wrong, so suddenly I was calling him.

"Wufei, yeah, Duo here. I know it's rather late... okay, very late, so I won't keep you. Hold on! Don't hang up! I just wanted to give you some advice. Whether you want it or not. Yes, you do! You need to hear this, believe me. Here it is: Don't wait too long. Yep! That's it! You can thank me later. 'Night!"

The moment I got home I typed up my job acceptance and sent that off with my deposit on an apartment. I scheduled a seat on the next flight to L2, and then packed. My Sanc place had come furnished, so I didn't have big things to get rid of, and my neighbor agreed to clean the place in trade for keeping everything that wasn't nailed down. I left a note with the landlord, telling him the neighbor had my keys and that he could keep my deposit, hefted my few belongings, and hailed a taxi to the shuttle station.

Four years. I could do that, but only if I put some distance between Heero and me.

(o) Trowa's POV

A week after Quatre refused my marriage proposal, I called up Heero to talk. I must have sounded as desperate as I was, because he agreed to miss a class just to see me.

"It's just that it sucked to be turned down." I sank deeper into my seat and watched the steam rise off my coffee. "It was an impulsive thing to do anyway. I just couldn't believe he'd turn me down."

Heero nodded and ate a second and then a third roll. He was enrolled in the graduate engineering program, while I was in the medical school on the same Sanc University campus. When possible, we met up at the campus coffee shop, to share the ups and downs of college life, and life in general.

"Yeah, well... yeah." He told me that Duo had chosen to avoid graduate school and, instead, was diving headlong into a well-paying computer tech job. On L2. That was a long way away. He told me he wanted four years to get his grad degree and had asked Duo to wait for him in some indeterminate limbo state.

"Bummer." Anything else I could say would just set him off. I could tell he knew he'd been a stupid idiot. He just wanted sympathy, which, when you get down to it, was really what I wanted, too.

I told him about my romantic getaway that had ended up in our own kind of limbo. Also a long way away, from reality.

"Bummer," he said, repeating my summation with equal sympathy for my idiocy. "You love him for real?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Suppose so. I did at the moment. Now, I'm numb."

Then Heero straightened and put his hand on my arm. He and I avoided contact with most everyone, so it was an unusual thing for him to do. It got my attention. "Tell me...what's it like?" he asked.

"Which part? Being on top of the world one minute or falling off the edge the next?" By letting my sarcasm show through, I let him know how much just mentioning it still hurt me.

"The top part. Being in love."

Now that was the strangest topic of conversation anyone had ever broached with me before. Coming from Heero, I lost my voice.

"If you hold your breath any longer, you'll pass out," he warned me.

I wasn't even aware I was doing that. "Oh..." I gasped. "I, ah...didn't expect that question, that's all."

"So?"

I considered my words a moment then answered, "I felt impenetrable, for a while. Nothing could touch me. I was lighter than air, I was all-powerful, I was filled with an excess of joy. It was weird. Suddenly, I wanted a family of my own, a home, a husband to come home to, security and all. Really weird. I thought he wanted that, too. I was wrong."

"No, you weren't. You were right, your timing was wrong." Heero sipped at his drink and was even smiling a little.

"Humph," I sniffed. "Same thing in the end."

"Not really, Trowa. Quatre wants all that and more, just not right this minute. You are both too busy-"

"Busy, yeah, I know. He explained. I agreed. I know. It's just..." I let that thought just fade away.

"Disappointing? It would be to me, under the circumstances."

"Yeah. And now...I don't know what to do. Survive this... waiting-it-out time. Study, I guess. Get through the medical program and in four or five years, try again."

"That's a long haul."

Right. Enough about me. I felt the need to hurt back a tad. "Isn't that how long Duo has to wait for your answer?"

Take that.

Now it was Heero's turn to shrug. "He'll eventually forget all about that. He's got his own life and problems going on now."

"No shit." I said that but the look I gave him was more along the lines of "Is this the same Duo we're talking about? He won't forget, and you know it."

We paused to eat and sip and contemplate.

"So, you two did it, huh?" Heero asked.

"It? Oh, that...ahem...yes. It was better than I'd imagined it would be, with a virgin." I smirked at him.

Heero winced. I realized that I had no idea if he had ever had anything like a boyfriend, or girlfriend for that matter, in his life, having turned Duo away and been pretty much focused full time on missions up to now. None that I knew of. Had he ventured into the world of sex, I wondered?

"Have you...tried?" I asked.

"What? Oh, that, ah...yes." He was blushing and tearing a roll to shreds. "You want to teach me some new tricks?"

I inhaled my sip of coffee and gasped, sputtering and spilling the entire mug coffee over my shirt.

"That was smooth, Trowa. How about this: you come over and change your shirt. I got t-shirts that will fit. I need a ride home anyway. SUV's in the shop. Anyway, you promised we'd do something special tonight, unless you forgot about that."

His birthday. I hadn't forgotten. "I have a minute to spare." All right, that was an out-and-out lie. I sure as hell wanted to teach Heero Yuy about sex; I'd make time.

To be sure he won't tell anyone about this, so I will. He'll deny it, say it never happened, but it did. I gave his some tips on romancing a guy, but he just pushed and pushed for the sex and I was weak.

I popped in a CD and lit a candle.

"So what's next?" he asked. "I have no idea. Foreplay isn't my strong suit."

"Ah, I think I'll take off my wet shirt," I told him.

"Let me," he offered. "Consider it part of my birthday present from you."

"All right." I was starting to wonder how we got to his house. I didn't remember the drive over. I also decided that Heero wasn't lacking in experience as he'd hinted at first. "Although I was planning on just taking you to that campus movie and dinner."

His cool fingers ripped off the shirt, flung it across the room to hit the wall with a wet smack. That success was followed by a brisk removal of the rest of my clothing.

"Now me." He stood poised, ready for me to do my thing.

I felt, well, like a fool. "I, ah..."

"Oh, I'll do it then. You'd think I'd be the nervous one. There."

I looked over his naked body of muscled perfection, and then drew him into my arms.

"I..." was all I could croak out.

"This is just between you and me. I'd never tell Quatre or anyone," he assured me.

Or Duo. It occurred to me that this should have been Duo's job and was about to stop the proceedings.

"Or Duo," he said. "I want him to be impressed that I know what I'm doing, if he agrees to see me again."

Oh, so I was really a stand-in and teacher. That was a little disappointing, too.

"Heero..." was all I had to say for the next hour.

I awoke out of a half-dream state lying on my back, a weight across my chest and fingers fondling my favorite parts as a fresh condom was rolled on. I opened one eye and saw a mess of brown hair. Gods... "Heero? A-gain?"

"Don't worry," he said like he was afraid I'd start crying or something. "I'll do all the work this time, now that I've got the hang of it."

I had never been...in that position before, but I should have guessed Heero would want have the upper hand in that as well as everything else. "Yeah."

He reacted in a way that just proved my point all the more. If I thought I was tired at the onset of the evening, he made certain that I was not much more than a drained husk by the end of it.

I hoped to God that he and Duo made up. I knew I couldn't take that again.

Okay, I made most of that stuff up. I did borrow a dry shirt at Heero's place and I did hope that he and Duo made up and Duo found his way back to Sanc. But that's it.

Believe what you want.

(o) Wufei's POV

For some reason, which my treacherous brain has conveniently shelved, I agreed to write this log of my grand love affair for Maxwell to combine with similar, I can only imagine, tripe (what else could it be?) from Yuy and Barton. Maxwell's goal: to produce a spectacularly trashy document for us to all cherish to our dying days. I doubt he has even read this, much less, edited it. For a test, I shall now write about my research on t

{editor's note: no you won't, Wu-meister.}

(o) Trowa's POV

Time for the new and improved Trowa! A caring, considerate, compassionate fellow that Quatre and all our other mates would be glad to know, to welcome into their hearts and to love.

Right. Well, close. I did give it a go. It was summer and I was going to be a new man.

Quatre and I invited the others to his beach place numerous times over the course of the summer, and never once did I sleep with him, or anyone—or even tried to. I avoided arguments like the plague; I never asked a thing of him, I was thoughtful, kind and supportive. I knew that all my effort would make an impression on him. A reward was just waiting for me down the line.

My karma was set for success. I was poised, confident that all would turn out fine.

So, you are wondering "How did you do, Trowa?" Well, let me tell you...

By mid summer's end, Heero demanded that I "snap out of it!" He informed me that Quatre thought that I was "in love with someone else and dying from some mysterious disease that I was keeping secret from everyone."

Love sucked.

(o) Wufei's POV

"Um, Professor Chang?"

I looked up from my desk, covered with papers to grade, to see the most beautiful girl, the kind all the boys loved the instant they saw—tall, slim, curvy, and impossibly perfect. I wasn't quite a full professor, but I wasn't going to correct a student's misconceptions on that trifling point, especially when it gave me more authoritative power. "What do you want?"

I hated her perfection. She must have known I instantly hated her. It didn't require Winner's perceptiveness. Any fool could read my slitted-eye mood.

And yet she didn't leave.

She smiled and handed me a note, at which point I recognized her to be one of my students. Damn. Had to be politely professional now.

The note smelled of some God-awful perfume.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" I demanded, dropping the offending note onto my desk before the stench attached itself to me.

"I'm a big fan of the prince's," she said in a feathery-soft, lispy voice (something more to hate). "Um, Milli's sooo hot. There was that picture of you standing with him? I couldn't believe my teacher knew him! So, lucky!"

Me or her, I wasn't sure what she meant, nor did I care a shred. She hadn't gone away, though. If she was waiting for me to say something, she'd be waiting a long time, because I was already turning back to the pile of papers, beckoning to me.

"Sooo...? Would you give that to him, please?"

The big watery eyes worked on most the boys, but, I admit, not me. "If I see him. Sure, whatever."

"Thank you, professor. You are so cool!" she gushed and pranced away.

"Yeah, right." I was cooler than Reyka on ice, in an ice bar, in Iceland. I was practically chilled to the bone I was so layered in frost.

I was left there staring down at that letter that was probably more than a simple love note; it marked the end...of everything. No doubt, once Milliardo found out that he got a note from the hottest girl on campus, and a BIG FAN, he'd follow the standard routine and pursue her—and abandon me.

And yet, it wouldn't make sense for me NOT to give it to him. I mean, maybe this was it, my freedom. Maybe I could pass it along and leave him behind knowing that he'd be happy. I could do that, I mean, what was I waiting for? I could never tell him how I felt; I was his FRIEND. And I could never give as much of myself as I wanted to; he'd never want to relinquish his freedom or the possibility of succeeding to the throne someday- for me. So what was the big deal?

I decided I would set him free and detach myself from the whole fantasy before I ruined everything. Just retain our friendship, I sighed. And it hurt me to think of letting him go, but it was time I faced facts and realized that we just weren't meant to be. I was just wasting my time, and his.

I closed the door and sat at the desk, and even though it was against my better judgment, I read the note. I had to look.

The folded pages made a quite thick document, spouting the most eloquent words professing her love. It was just beautiful. It's funny how a strange girl could so easily sum up every feeling I've ever had for Milliardo in one letter. I couldn't have written it better myself. If I could have written such a thing myself, I couldn't have done a better job. It was everything... it said everything I wanted to say to him myself.

Ancestors! I was handing him his next conquest and she was perfect. And down at the bottom it was signed 'The one you've been waiting for'. Kind of a brash ending if you asked me, but I was sure he would fall for it. I mean she was the one ALL guys were waiting for, and since she didn't put her real name, I figured this meant that I'd be forced to pass on further notes and gauge reactions from my... friend. Play the middle man until it was risk free for the both of them, until they got together.

Sigh. My inner voice chided me for my weakness. Be strong Chang; this is what you want. Right? Say "right".

My outer voice took up the charge and ran with it. "Shut up! Wrong! It's not what I want. I want Mill! Wrong, wrong, wrong!"

But ... then I said "right" to appease my inner voice.

I spelled it "wright" to get even, nevertheless.

I was nervous, jealous, depressed, but I said I would deliver the note and I would. I wanted to toss the note out, but she was a student of mine. I said I'd do it and now I had to.

"But when?" I pondered.

Soon. The sooner the better.

I needed to trample my inner voice for being so asinine.

You'll get to see him.

And crush it into oblivion for being so duplicitous.

"Wright."

I slept poorly with Milliardo on my mind (he belonged in my bed, damnit!), which really meant that I hadn't actually been sleeping at all. "I'd sleep far better with him on my bed," I muttered aloud to myself, who wasn't listening.

I slipped out of bed, picked up my clothes from the floor by the bed, and dragged them wearily over my body. I headed for the door. I stopped to awkwardly tie my running shoes by the front door, and then I stepped out onto the front porch.

The cool, damp air felt good against my skin. Goose bumps prickled up my arms. I wandered aimlessly out onto the road, staring up at the writhing fingers of fog. I could run, I thought. Heero ran to clear his head. I started walking down the road, my head tilted back, breathing cold air into my throat, getting dizzy as I watched the sky crawl past. Fuck running. I didn't have much idea of where I wanted to go, but I could just as well do it walking. It felt good to be out freezing my ass off. I deserved nothing better than to be caught in an icy-cold downpour.

My feet pounded rhythmically for blocks. Climbing up and back down a slight hill provided a pleasant stretch. There were few streetlights, but the moon glow was bright enough to see by.

When fatigue threatened the collapse of my limbs right there in the center of the sidewalk, I tottered over to the small public park at the edge of the university. There was a playground and picnic area. I sat on a bench with my head tilted back, breathing slowly, deeply. I felt a surreal calm. It was better than the maniacal head spin from which I'd been suffering.

I noticed the university bell tower glowing in the moist haze, and thought about Heero and Duo. Heero once told me they'd had sex up there at the top. They actually hadn't, but he imagined what it would be like and then I had dashed the idea. "What if the bells went off?"

"Oh, they would," he'd grinned back, despite my attempts to discourage his train of thought, testing my forbearance. That tower was visible from nearly every point in town and I didn't want the image of Heero and Duo having sex up there in my mind every time I saw it! "They most certainly would."

Indeed. Too late. Image pressed, mold created, ready for repeated processing.

I remember the embarrassment I'd felt. Heero had never used sexual innuendo in a conversation with me; not one about Duo, that is. He was so hung up on that guy, but then, what would one expect? Duo was a character. Just thinking about him brought a smile to my lips now. I no longer could recall how I'd felt about him as teenagers fighting the war.

How did that tune go that Duo was always humming? "Something new's got old; something warm's grown cold-"

As much as I wanted not to be gay, I knew I was. I could find a woman and marry, father children and be something or other, not especially happy. I wouldn't marry a man. What was the purpose of that? I could live with one, and might, but whom?

Milliardo Peacecraft? There could be no future for me with Milliardo, since we were worlds apart. Weren't we? Wasn't that the main problem? His world included, whether or not he would admit to it, a straightforward succession to the throne; he'd have to face that responsibility sooner or later, probably sometime soon, something far more profoundly serious and important than pleasing me. I was a simple scholar destined to remain in the university fold until death did we part, nothing more.

I could already feel the bonds of our friendship growing deep and I wasn't so stupid as to blow that with an attempt at a fling, which could only amount to nothing except to give him another person to avoid in the future.

Sadness filled my heart. The organ which pumped my life's blood swelled to bursting. This was how Heero must have felt, how he'd tried to explain to me about missing Duo after another of their monumental fights. Duo clung to him in spirit, lifting him up and dragging him down. Poor Heero, how he must suffer!

Well, Maxwell could do that to you. Even I felt Duo's presence at times. Like now, in fact. It was as if Duo was with me, telling me something. Like he was watching me and trying to steer me onto a different path.

But that wasn't possible, was it? Duo wasn't even in town. He wasn't on the same continent. I didn't even know if he was on our planet. Probably not if he was off visiting Howard and the Sweepers.

So, was the self-proclaimed God of Death suggesting I take a leap of faith? Superstition directed the decisions of many of my ancestors. But I may or may not have made it clear that my much esteemed ancestors had turned their backs on me, stopped listening. Well, fuck them.

I'll just choose another irrational cultural belief system- Heero's might do. Maybe if I closed my eyes and kept walking, then, when I opened them next, I would find my own true love—like at that shrine in Japan Heero once told me about:

"You both stand at opposite ends, back to a rock. Close your eyes and walk towards one another. If you reach the other person, then you have found true love."

"What if you don't?" I'd asked him. "What then?"

He'd shaken his head. "I don't know. I never tried, but if you don't try, you won't ever know." He'd been talking about his own serpentine path to enlightenment, but it fit with mine as well.

I softly sang Duo's song, but it changed as I repeated the verse: "Something old is returning new; something cold's becoming warm."

How portentous! Oh, well, significant, perhaps, but the meter was shit. I never was the poet—that was Duo.

Which led my thoughts back to Milliardo. Always back to Milliardo. I wasn't the strong warrior anymore. I was weak. No. I didn't feel weak, exactly. I had my own moment of enlightenment and came to the conclusion that life was short and all my arguments against taking action were ridiculous. I should just "man up" and talk it out with Milliardo and not with the imaginary version of him inhabiting my head. That version of Mill was beginning to sound too much like me.

Thanks, Duo, I think I understand it now.

{editor's note: about time, dimwit.}

Chapter 7

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