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"Of Fruitbaskets and Beaches "Written By: Jewel of Hell Disclaimer: Don't own nothin' but these words.
Rating: NC 17 Warnings: PWP, total fluff, silliness, language,
yaoi, lime, tangerine, grapefruit, kumquat, orange, pomegranate, pummelo,
lemon, Relena bashing, violence, MAJOR OOCness, fruitiness, Bitch
Squad Pairings: 1x2 Summary: I couldn't begin to summarize this story.
Your best bet is to read it and find out. Contains copious amounts
of citrus and silliness. Read if you dare! " Of Fruitbaskets and Beaches " Third Installment: Gateway to Hell Friday morning found Kyra, Lydia, Syriith, Adriana, Jade, and Ivy all at the Maxwell mansion freaking out. It was already ten o'clock, and they were all certain that wouldn't be anywhere near enough time to be ready by one. In the bedroom. "Oh," Lydia fussed, "he totally can't wear that! That's red. That's way too sexy for a first date!" "What about these shorts?" Jade asked, holding up a pair with rhinestone butterflies on the back pockets. "No, long pants are best for a first date," Lydia instantly shot it down. "Anything else screams you're just looking for a cheap lay." Jade stared at her like she was nuts. "Why don't we just put him in a dress?" Ivy wanted to know. In the bathroom. "Okay, since when did you have this fantastic glitter?" Adriana demanded, "and why haven't you ever shared?" "My mom just gave that to me a few days ago," Duo replied. "Said it was an early birthday present." "But your birthday's not till August!" Adriana protested. "And why would she get you glitter?" "I'm not wearing a dress!" Duo shot out the door. "That wasn't all she gave me," he explained. "She also gave me a great new jacket. Oh, that's totally what I want to wear today. It's got pink Swarovski crystal butterflies down the sides!" "But Duo," Lydia called in, "we were just thinking this cute sweater would be–" Syriith threw a Look out the door from where she was painting Duo's toenails. Lydia's comment died. "Then again," she said, "I just saw the jacket, and it's really cute!" "Adriana," Kyra said, standing up, "why are you doing his hair like that? It's way too–" "Here," Jade interrupted her. "Put these chopsticks in his hair. See, there's butterflies on them, so they'll match his jacket." "I totally have no idea how to work with those twigs," Adriana said, stepping back. Jade shot her a flat look. "Chopsticks. They're for a more civilized age, I suppose." Duo giggled. "Why are you fixing his hair before he's dressed?" Kyra demanded. "It'll get mussed when he puts his shirt on. Gah! Why isn't someone doing his nails?" "What's wrong with my manicure?" Duo demanded. "I only got my nails done like a week ago." "The paint's chipping," Kyra said as if it should have been obvious. Which, really, it should have been. Duo threw his hands up. "Whatever! Someone do my nails. Time's ticking, girls!" In the bedroom again. "He can't wear just that jacket," Lydia continued fussing. "What should he wear under it?" Ivy just looked at her. Blankly. "Oh, why am I asking you?" Lydia said with a sigh. "Here, how does this look?" She held a plain white shell underneath it. The other girl gave it a critical eye. "Okay, I'm not an expert, but even I can see that looks way too plain with that jacket." "Thousands of outfits, and not a thing to wear!" Lydia lamented. Now in the bathroom. "Maybe we should put this glitter in his hair," Adriana said, looking at the bottle. "It says it can be applied anywhere." Syriith giggled. It was a strangely ominous sound. Duo looked at her. "Glitter in my hair? What if it's that stuff like on Halloween that keeps falling out? I mean, glitter in my food? Come on." "Would your mother seriously buy you anything so cheap?" Kyra asked, folding her arms. Duo did have to concede her point. "Here, close your eyes," Jade said. "You need blue highlights around those pretty eyes of yours." "Totally," Adriana agreed. "Lydia, what's he wearing? We can't really do his makeup until we know!" In the bedroom. Lydia threw her handful of shirts on the floor. "Ivy, you're not helping at all!" "What's wrong with any of those things you just showed me?" Ivy demanded. "You can't wear those things on a date!" Lydia snapped. "Why not?" Ivy countered. Lydia stamped her foot. "You just can't! Don't you know anything?" In the bathroom again. "Come on, you two!" Adriana called. "We haven't got all day! We only have two-and-a-half hours left!" Kyra rolled her eyes. "That's it." She stalked into the bedroom. "Ivy, go get some coffee. Jade, you go help her. Lydia, help Adriana do Duo's makeup. I'll decide what he's going to wear." Syriith looked up, fireballs shooting from her eyes, that Look clearly saying I dare you to disagree with her! Of course, no one ever disagreed with Kyra. Especially when Syriith backed her up like that. Jade and Ivy left, and things calmed down. And Syriith happily went back to doing Duo's toenails. "Sheesh," Kyra muttered. "You people (mutter mutter) . . ." Since the jacket Duo wanted to wear was black, Kyra selected a pink shell to go beneath. Sequins across the neck gave it an extra bit of bling, but she purposefully chose a plainer one to draw more attention to the designs on the jacket. After a bit of indecision she found a pair of form-fitting jeans that she knew would draw attention to Duo's . . . assets. That left only shoes. Right about this time Jade and Ivy returned, Precious hot on their heels. The little Papillon raced into the room, making a beeline for the bathroom. Kyra made a grab for her, but she was too quick. Moments later Adriana and Lydia cursed, followed by some crashes and bangs. "Precious!" Duo wailed. Kyra rubbed her temples. "Jade," she snapped, "get her out of here!" Duo reluctantly relinquished his hold on the little dog, and she wriggled wildly when Jade took her away, obviously trying to get right back to Duo. Jade managed to put her out and shut the door before she could bolt back in. She sat right on the other side and started whining and caterwauling to get back in. In the bathroom. "She knocked things all over!" Lydia fussed. Duo noticed she seemed to be doing a lot of that. He decided to tell her. "You sure fuss a lot," Syriith said calmly. "We only have two hours and seven minutes left!" Lydia exclaimed. "How can you be so calm?" "I'm telling you," Jade said, entering the bathroom with coffee for all, "she does tai chi when none of us are looking." No comment from Syriith. "Okay, I know what he's wearing now," Kyra said, following Jade. "Pink and black. Sexy and flirty, but just conservative enough not to say 'jump me, I'm yours.'" "Pink and black!" Adriana yelped. "And we started his makeup blue! Damn, now we have to start all over!" "Hurry, hurry!" Lydia fussed some more. "Here, here's some makeup remover. Oh, Syriith, do you have to sit right there like that? You're in the way!" Black flames. Syriith looked up. "I'm doing his toenails," she explained calmly. Adriana glanced down at her, applying the creme to an applique. "You're always doing his toenails," she noticed. "Why is that?" Duo frowned a little. "You know, she's right," as if he'd only just noticed that himself. Syriith pulled his foot a little closer to herself. "I like his feet." Glaring as though daring them to have a problem with that. Duo didn't have a problem with that. Especially when she dug her thumbs into the ball of his foot and began massaging it. Nobody mentioned Syriith was in the way again. Despite the pandemonium, fussing, freaking out, and crisis situation, the girls still had his makeup done and clothes put on before twelve-thirty. That left only his hair. Jade took center stage, wielding her chopsticks with expert efficiency. Soon she had the long auburn-chestnut tresses artfully twirled up around the glittering lengths of polished wood. "Wow," Adriana said, stepping back, "that's really cute, Jade. Where'd you learn to do that?" Jade shrugged. "Oh, made it up as I went." Syriith carefully slipped Duo's feet into his sandals. The rest of the girls felt like they were watching Cinderella. Lydia clapped her hands. "Oh, perfect! Duo, you're so cute it's not fair!" At least she was done fussing. Downstairs, the doorbell rang. Pandemonium could not describe what just happened. All hell broke loose. "See?" Lydia fussed. "I told you it was a good idea to start when we did! He's seven minutes early!" "Quick, perfume!" Adriana said, grabbing the bottles littering the counter top. "Ah! Which scent should we use!" "Do you think Heero will even notice?" Ivy demanded. "Shouldn't we be focusing on the fact that the doorbell just rang?" Jade pointed out. "Ah! Don't mess up his hair!" Lydia fussed some more. "Lydia, Adriana, Jade, Ivy, out!" Kyra barked. "Go get that damn door already!" Duo heaved a sigh of relief when they left and took their fussing noise with them. "I'm exhausted, and my date hasn't even started yet!" "Duo, hon," his mother called up the stairs, "there's that really nice boy here to see you, Heero? Says you have plans to go out together?" "Coming Mom!" Duo called back. He suddenly felt butterflies in his stomach. "Okay, what should I talk about?" Kyra smiled, tucking a stray lock of hair behind his ear. "Just be yourself. You'll knock him dead." "And if you don't, I will," Syriith added. Kyra flashed her a glance. "I was speaking figuratively." Syriith shrugged. Downstairs in front of the door. "So I've never even heard of Gateway to Hell," one of them said. Heero leaned against the partition. "Not surprised," he said. "It's kinda invitation only." "A friend of yours runs it?" another asked. She sounded like she was looking for a fight. Heero barely managed not to roll his eyes. "Yeah. He's a professor at the college, if that makes you feel any better." "What does he teach?" yet another asked. "Take his class and find out," Heero said helpfully. Inner dialogue: Well, it was helpful. Geez. "Maybe he should teach a little common courtesy," said the one Heero was already thinking of as The Bitch. She just looked like a bitch. "Yeah, then you should really take that class," Heero retorted. The one with pink highlights in her hair restrained her friend. Heero was so far from intimidated it wasn't even funny. Two more came down the stairs. Good lord, how the hell many are there? But behind them was Duo, and the boy looked like something straight out of Heero's dreams. He is soooo cute. Ignoring the crowd of girls, Heero smiled at Duo. "Hi. You ready to go?" Duo returned his smile with a slightly shy one of his own. "Uh huh." Offering the boy his arm, he led him outside away from the girls, who were all waving as though they would never see him again. He opened the door for Duo, then climbed in the driver side. Moments later they were off. "How's your ankle?" he asked, casting the boy a glance. Duo smiled. "It's fine. I can't jump around on it, but it's fine." "That's good," Heero said, relieved. "I hope I wasn't too early today." Duo shook his head. "No. Any later and I might have lost my mind." Heero snorted. "Those girls?" he hazarded. "Uh huh," Duo confirmed, giggling. "Don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but . . . gah!" Heero chuckled. Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Lamasu's Heero Radar went off. Damn, he thought, I gotta get down to Gateway. He'll probably be there any minute. Duo didn't know what to expect when he stepped into Gateway to Hell. It was a bit like stepping into an alternate dimension. For starters, all the windows were exquisite stained glass as though the owner had a tremendous appreciation for art. The ten-or-so tables were all dark, polished cherry wood with blown glass-and-crystal dragons glittering in their centers. The lights were tastefully dim, and the entire floor was black, swirled marble. Mounted in the walls were enormous aquariums filled with the most exotic specimens of fish Duo had ever seen, including what he had a sneaking suspicion were sharks. He could not stop staring, looking around at everything and soaking it in. Why on Earth was this place given such a foreboding name as Gateway to Hell when it should have been called Stepping Stone to Paradise? He felt Heero's hand fall softly, warmly on the base of his spine. "Like it?" the boy breathed in his ear. Duo could not help the shiver that ran down his spine. "Love it," he murmured back, feeling a sharp pang of regret when Heero dropped his hand. Out of absolutely nowhere, a tall man in a long black trench coat appeared. Beneath he was impeccably dressed in a crisp, dark suit with a crimson tie. Eerily enough, he had long silvery hair with black highlights though his face was still quite young. Perhaps two or three years older than Heero. Duo's head canted ever-so-slightly to the side. Hmm, he has the same feel about him as Syriith. "Why are you here, Lamasu?" Heero wanted to know. "Don't you have classes or something?" "Yes," came the reply. Duo blinked. ". . . then why . . .?" Heero began. The man called Lamasu shrugged. "Because I knew you were coming. Who's this?" "Ah, of course. Lamasu, this is my date, Duo. Duo, this is an old friend of mine, Lamasu. He's a professor of . . . something . . . at the university. Philosophy and the practical application of the Dark Arts, I suppose. He also owns this place." Duo put on his brightest grin. It shamed the sun. "Hi!" he chirped. "I'm Duo. Can I just say, this is a totally fabulous place? I totally love what you've done with it. I mean, I don't even know what it was before, but it totally doesn't compare! You have a gift. Maybe you should consider internal decorating. And where did you get these fantastic windows? And where did you find these beautiful fish? And where did you dig up this wonderful marble? And oh my gosh, did you have those centerpieces special made? I mean, you don't even have a theme in here, but it totally works! You just throw all these things together and it seems like it would be tacky, but you have this completely awesome place that looks so well thought-out and comes together better than a jigsaw puzzle ever could! You have a gift, and you should totally share it with others . . ." Lamasu stared. He didn't have a freaked-out look on his face, or even an appalled one. In fact, his expression was blankly stunned as he listened to this ditzy–albeit really cute–boy go on and on and on and on and on and on . . . and on . . . and on some more . . . and then a little more . . . and then a few minutes more . . . and bloody, was he even breathing? Heero was just looking at him with a very, very amused look on his face. Lamasu could see instantly that his oldest and closest friend was totally, completely, and in all other ways absolutely taken with this . . . charming, enchanting, ephemeral, fey boy. Inner dialogue: And all other such words . . . Who was still going on. And on. . . . and on. Lamasu blinked. They might be standing here until the Fourth Coming at this rate. Reaching out, he grabbed that pretty, pale face in both his hands and planted a very bold–if chaste–kiss on Duo's mouth. That quite effectively shut the boy up–and left a nice taste on Lamasu's lips. Heero looked on, still very much amused. "Now," Lamasu said, "right this way. I have a special table always on reserve for Heero." Heero could see Duo's expression close up at Lamasu's word-choice. After his friend sat them down and left to bring them the special drink of the day, Heero quickly ran through his mind all the possible interpretations that sentence could have. And settled on the one he knew Duo must have come to. "You're the first person I've brought here on a date," he explained softly, reaching over to lightly stroke Duo's hand with a finger. "I usually hang out here with my best friends." The cloud that had briefly passed over Duo's countenance cleared and the sun came back out. "Oh!" he said, instantly mollified. "I just didn't want to think about being another in a long line of conquests." "Actually," Heero said, frowning as it occurred to him, "you're the first person I've taken out since high school. My last date was a blind date with this total bitch named Relena . . . god, I am not going there. It was a nightmare. After that I told my parents I was gay." Duo blinked. "Was she really that bad?" ". . ." "Oh," Duo said. "Okay, well, we don't need to dredge up ugly memories. Have you already graduated from high school?" "Two years ago," Heero confirmed. "I've been spending my time looking for creative ways to messily die ever since." That obviously caught his cute date off-guard. "Um . . ." Heero laughed. "I'm kidding. I just sky-dive, bungee-jump, and surf. I also like snow-boarding from time to time. Even been rock-climbing. I prefer sky-diving and surfing. Especially surfing." Sighing, Duo rested his chin in his hands. "I would love to do either one of those things." "Have Heero take you," Lamasu's voice said as he materialized beside them. Duo jumped, and Heero grinned. "You'll have to give him some kinda warning, Lamasu," he said. "If he's going to die of heart-failure it should be jumping out of an airplane, not being startled in a café." Lamasu raised an eyebrow. "Oh, is Gateway not edgy enough for you?" "Depends on what you're serving these days," Heero decided. "No more human livers, okay?" Duo looked mortified. Lamasu looked affronted. "I would never serve human livers. Brains are better. But no such luck today. We're serving octopus eyeballs." A half-giggle, half-groan escaped Duo's lips. "I think I'm going to be sick . . ." "If you pass out, I'm sure Heero will enthusiastically administer mouth-to-mouth," Lamasu said serenely. Heero rolled his eyes. "Shouldn't you be making us some food?" "Oh, right. The usual, O Pharaoh of Gateway?" Lamasu said, deadpan. Heero gave him a Flat Look. Duo giggled. Lamasu vanished. "I like him," Duo said. "He seems very nice. He kinda reminds me of Syriith." Heero swallowed some of whatever mixed drink Lamasu had put in front of them. "Who?" Duo giggled again. Heero decided he liked that sound. "She's one of my friends, remember?" "No," Heero answered. "Oh!" Duo exclaimed, and just like that changed the subject. "I wanted to ask about your friends. What are their names? What are they like? How did you meet? Did you go to school together? Where are they now? Do they work at the university like Lamasu? Or are they students there? Do any of them surf like you? Do they–" "Breathe, Duo," Heero interrupted, smiling slightly. "Load so many on me at once and I won't be able to remember what you asked. Actually, my closest friends are Lamasu, Dante, Jason, Daniel, Wes, and Jin. I only went to school with Jason, Daniel, and Wes. Dante and Jin are Lamasu's age. They all do different kinds of things. If you want to meet them, there's a state-wide surf competition coming up next month. They'll all be there. Otherwise it's kinda hard to get them all together in the same place. They're pretty busy. See, unlike me, they actually work. Or pretend to, anyway . . ." Duo giggled again. Now Heero decided that he would always do what he could to make Duo giggle. It was such a sweet, happy little sound. He always wanted to make Duo happy. Wow, I'm already thinking about 'always.' Have I ever been this nuts about anything, let alone anyone? "I'm looking forward to college this fall," Duo said, looking a little dreamy. "We're all looking forward to different classes. Actually, I'm sure Syriith would like what Lamasu teaches. She enjoys Philosophy." "So she's dark and creepy like Lamasu?" Heero asked, sipping his drink. Duo shook his head. "Oh, no!" he said earnestly. "She's not creepy. She's just very dedicated. She takes things very seriously, you know. She's one of those types of people who thinks about something, and then gives it her all, you know?" "No," Heero said again. "And Lamasu's not like that at all. He teaches everyone's doomed." "Well, they are," Lamasu said. Duo jumped again. "You really gotta stop doing that," Heero said, frowning up at Lamasu. "Well, if you wouldn't be so jumpy," Lamasu said, frowning right back at him. Heero raised an eyebrow. "I wouldn't be–?" "Hell yes," Lamasu said, folding his arms. "Geez, jumping about like a little scared girl. Whassa matter with you?" Duo giggled some more. Then jumped again when a large crow landed on his shoulder. "Um, I hope this is a friend of yours?" he said, looking up at Lamasu. Who smiled. Heero had never seen quite that smile on Lamasu's face. He looked . . . well, enchanted. "Yeah. His name's Phantom. And I'm amazed he's over here. Normally he's antisocial with everyone but me. And Heero, but that goes without saying, I'm sure." The crow named Phantom hopped down onto Duo's wrist and perched there, looking at Duo with a keenly intelligent gaze. "I've always heard crows are one of the smartest animals," Duo mused. "Is that true, Phantom?" The black bird bobbed its head in a fair imitation of a nod. Duo blinked. Then he laughed brightly. "I like him! Lamasu, where did you find him?" "Actually, he found me," Lamasu replied. "His egg fell on my head." "And didn't crack?" Duo said, incredulous. Lamasu shrugged. "Even as a tadpole he was special." Phantom glared at him. Heero gave him another Flat Look. "I thought Phantom was a girl," he said. Lamasu shrugged again. "He is." "Well no wonder she looked at you so insulted!" Duo exclaimed, outraged. "I'm sorry, Phantom, will you excuse him for being such an oafish lout and letting me call you a 'he?' It won't happen again, I promise!" He glared at Lamasu. So did Phantom. Lamasu smiled. To Heero it was just plain strange, because Lamasu never smiled. Ever. Duo wasn't ready to forgive him, though, and tossed his head. Heero resisted the urge to say that was very typical female behavior. He wasn't sure Duo would appreciate being called female. He also had to resist the urge to just tackle Duo. "Um, is there a lady's room?" Duo asked, still looking miffed. "Me and Phantom need a minute." Lamasu nodded, "Oh yeah, it's that way. Do you ladies need an escort?" "I think I can find my own way, thank you," Duo said primly, brushing Lamasu's extended hand aside. Phantom stuck her beak in the air. Heero watched them, so amused it was all he could do not to laugh out loud. Lamasu sat down in Duo's recently-vacated chair. "I like him," he said. And that all by itself was a freaky new thing. Lamasu didn't like anyone. Barely liked his friends. Heero excluded, of course. "I do too," he admitted. "He's just so . . ." "Damn cute," Lamasu finished for him. "I think he thinks he's a girl, and that's just . . ." "Damn cute," Heero concluded. "He's so my type it's like he was made for me." "Yeah," Lamasu agreed. "Well, I'm happy for you. I hope you fall madly in love and he runs your life. Kinda like you run mine." Heero frowned. "How did you know I was coming?" he asked. "My Heero Radar told me. It's finely tuned to your every whim. Speaking of which, your lunch is probably done, and here comes your bride-to-be. I think I'll vacate her seat before she gets herself worked up into another tizzy." Heero drowned his chuckle in his drink.
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