|
"Paranormal"Written By: The Plotting Housewife Disclaimer: Gundam Wing belongs to Bandai, Sotsu
and associated Parties. This work is written for pleasure not profit. Rating: R Warnings: Humor, crack, ghost hunters, AU Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 5x6, 13xUne, RxD Summary: The gang gets together to investigate
a haunted house. The ghosts are ready to scare them silly. Too bad
they don't know who they're dealing with. "Paranormal "
Heero was helping Trowa get the connection going in the van when a flashy Rolls Royce pulled into the driveway. They looked at each other, then at the car as it pulled to a stop in front of the house. The sides of vehicle were caked in mud from the drive down the dirt roads and for some odd reason, that made Heero smile. Duo must have been rubbing off on him. "Must be Treize," he said. Trowa was squatting just inside the van with a metal case dangling from his fingers when he realized his mouth was hanging open. "That's...quite a car." Heero snorted. "As if he'd be caught dead in anything less." He brushed his hands off and walked over to the car to greet them. The driver's side door opened and a brown haired woman stepped out looking undeniably pissed. She stormed around to the other side where the passenger door had yet to be opened. She yanked on the handle and cursed when it wouldn't open. "Oh, you lock the door on me? That's real mature, Dear. You know if I didn't know any better, I would say I'd married a freaking five year old!" She pulled on the handle again. It still wouldn't open. "Treize! Open the fucking door!" "Need some help?" Heero offered, trying his damnedest not to laugh. Lady Une glared at him, then pointed into the car. "My toddler of a husband is too chicken shit to come out." She leaned down so her face was level with the window. "You hear that?" Now, Heero could see Treize's profile through the car and noticed his lips were moving. Une shouted. "You are a grown ass man. This is your house and your case and you're too scared to come face the music." She straightened up, her expression was that of a woman at the end of her rope. "I don't believe him." Heero smirked. He'd read Treize's experience in the case file. He hadn't taken the alleged haunting of his house very well to say the least. "Don't worry about it. He can stay in the car. We don't need him to do this." "You hear that, you wuss? They don't need your worthless ass - oh, you're going to flip me off now, are you? Well, we'll just see about that. How about I put a nice foot-sized dent in the side of your precious Rolls? Would you like that?" Une was now standing on one foot, the other held up in front of her as she threatened to kick the car. Trowa came over to stand beside Heero. "I really hope she doesn't do that. That is one sweet ride." Heero glanced at him sideways. "Since when are you a car connoisseur?" He shrugged. "It's a Royce. Best car ever made -" he glanced at Heero. "What?" Heero laughed. "Nothing." They watched as the passenger door finally popped open and out came an irate Treize Khushrenada. "You kick my car, woman, I'll -" "You'll what? Hit me? I'd like to see you try. I'll pound your ass into the ground!" "Alright, guys. Let's refrain from any bloodshed, okay?" Une turned towards them, her dukes still raised, looking hilariously disappointed. Treize turned his nose up and sniffed. "As if she would." "Don't tempt me, asshole." "Okay, come on. Let's go inside and say hello to the others okay?" Heero ushered Une towards the house, feeling like he was talking to kindergartners, gesturing for Treize to follow. He did so, reluctantly, hands in his pockets, dragging his expensive shoes through the gravel, and pretending to be interested in nature. Once at the door, he stopped and shuffled on his feet, biting his lip. He looked back at Trowa, still working at the van. Hmmm...maybe he needs some help... Trowa heard the crunch of footsteps, looked up, and groaned. Oh, God. He did not need this. Trying, and failing terribly, Treize attempted the casual approach. He pursed his lips and blew through them, only succeeding in making spittle fly out of his mouth. Trowa looked at him like he'd just taken a dump on the driveway. "Are you trying to whistle?" "No," Treize sounded offended. Damn, but Une made it look easy. "Sooo...how's it going?" Trowa glanced up and then back down as he twisted a few wires together. Oh, Christ. Not the small talk. "Fine." "Catch any good ghosts lately?" Treize suddenly doubled over, laughing loud enough to scare off a few nearby birds. He leaned back up, bouncing on the balls of his feet, grinning proudly like he'd just won the prize for Most Hilarious Quip. "Uhhh...yeah..." Trowa tested the connection. It looked to be a go. The monitors flickered to life and he could now see into the rooms where the cameras had already been set up. The rest remained dark as they were still being linked up. Treize peeked inside the van. "Oh, neat! You can see the inside of the house from here?" He pushed past Trowa, nearly knocking him on his ass as he climbed into the van. "Don't touch anything." Treize picked something up and turned around. "What's this do?" "I told you not to touch anything," Trowa grumbled. "It's an EMF meter." "What's that do - oh! What's this?" Treize dropped the meter and picked up something else. "Hey! Put that d - Goddamnit..." "Miss Une!" Quatre came flying through the foyer and into the woman's arms. "It's so good to see you! How are you?" "I've been better, Quatre," she said, patting the blond on the back. She glanced behind her when she realized her husband wasn't there. "Where's - Treize! Stop bothering the nice man and get your ass over here," she shrieked right into Heero's ear. He reached up to rub it, making a mental note to schedule a hearing exam first thing Monday morning. Duo appeared in the doorway, grinning. "Won't come in, huh?" "No. If I had a dollar for every time -" She paused, the fine hair on the back of her neck standing on end. Her entire right side seemed encased in ice. Her skin prickled a moment later when there was an unearthly moan right next to her ear. She glanced at Quatre who stood bug-eyed in surprise. He was staring into the empty space next to her head. "Don't move, Miss Une. He's standing right next to you. He's looking at you." "Okaaay..." She stood frozen, breath stuck in her throat. "What's he doing now?" She asked, glancing at the blond. Quatre blushed to the tips of his ears. "Uhhh...you probably don't want to know that." "Oh, for fuck's sake," Une groaned. She turned her head to the right and glared. "What's the matter, Mr. Ghost? Is the afterlife so boring? Are you really that hard up?" The cold feeling immediately evaporated. "Miss Une, I think you hurt his feelings." "Oh, Christ." "That's our Quat," said Duo. "Always worried about everyone. Even perverted old ghosts with ectoplasmic stiffies." Quatre rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's go to the kitchen. Relena's making coffee and tea." Une's bad mood dissipated at the mention of coffee. "You just said the magic words." Duo stood to the side and gestured down the hallway. "Lead the way, Oracle." Quatre glared at the nickname as he helped Une out of her coat. "Oh, but...what about Treize?" Une snorted. "Treize who?" They disappeared down the hall leaving Heero and Duo in the foyer. Heero had snapped a photo with his phone during the moaning incident and was now staring at it with his mouth hanging open. Duo quirked an eyebrow. "What is it, babe?" He came around, peering over his lover's shoulder and gaped at the picture. "Holy shit. Quat wasn't kidding." Heero's mouth clicked shut, then opened again. "Is he -" Duo snickered. "Yes, he is." "You think Une will want to see this?" Duo's chest was shaking with laughter. "Une, hell. I'm getting that shit framed." Heero stepped back outside to check on Trowa and noticed his friend standing by the back of the van, pinching the bridge of his nose. Treize stood next to him gesturing wildly. He jogged across the yard and Trowa glanced up, looking at him with such relief, Heero felt like a shit friend for leaving him alone with Treize for so long. Which was only about fifteen minutes. Then again, if you knew Treize, you knew that was an eternity. "- And then, she's bitching at me the whole way here and I'm like, "I just want to listen to my music and eat my McDonald's without being nagged." I don't want to go into that house. I never want to go into that house. Ever again! But she's like, "Wah Treize, you have to. It's your house and your case and why are you being such a baby blah blah blah, nag nag nag,"" he'd adopted a high falsetto while saying this, "And I'm like, "Why can't I just stay at home and cover the case over the phone? Like, don't we have internet and technology and stuff? Why do I have to -" Treize suddenly spun in place, his eyes rolling back in his head. Then he dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Heero caught up to Trowa and glanced at his friend. "You sucker punched him." Trowa was shaking the sting out of his hand as he eyed Heero in challenge. "You would too if you had to listen to that for as long as I just did." Heero snorted. "Well, now we have to carry him into the house." It was probably the only way to get him in there anyway. Heero didn't think he'd ever go in voluntarily. "Or, we can just leave him here," Trowa smirked. "Cruel. As tempting as that is, we have two Preventers in the house and I don't think they'd take kindly to negligent homicide, or depraved indifference, or whatever," Heero said, laughing. "Do you know Zechs? He'd help us hide the body." Heero lost it, doubling over and slapping Trowa on the back. "That's right. I forgot about their...history." "That's probably half the reason he doesn't want to go in there," Trowa guessed. "It should be an interesting night having the two of them together in one house. They might have to see and speak to each other." Heero pretended to be appalled. Trowa mirrored him. "What is the world coming to?" Treize groaned and rolled onto his back, but didn't wake. Trowa nudged him with his foot before Heero hissed, "Don't wake him up. The longer he's out, the better off we'll all be." "Good point," Trowa nodded. "I'll go get Wufei. He can help us bring him in." "He's not going to be happy about this." Trowa glanced at him over his shoulder. "Do you know Wufei? He'll probably throw me a party." "Yeah and so will Une." "No, Une will be pissed that it wasn't her who knocked him out." "I don't envy you, buddy. The wrath of Une is something to behold." Trowa returned a few minutes later with Wufei and Zechs. They stood looking down at the unconscious man before Wufei glanced up at Trowa. "This your handiwork?" "Yeah." "You know, I'm not supposed to condone this, but -" he glanced up when he noticed Zechs leaning against the van, laughing his ass off. He continued, "Yeah...off the record. Well done. I wished I could have done that." "Pretty sure that would have gotten you in serious trouble," Heero said. "Hey, you know he called Zechs last month? Tried to tell him he'd get us fired if he didn't go back with him." Heero's eyebrows disappeared beneath his bangs. "You serious?" Wufei nodded. "Yeah. How's that for some shit. Sexual harassment and blackmail. I wanted to press charges, but -" Zechs placed a hand on his lover's shoulder. "But it was our word over his and considering his high position in government -" "That probably wouldn't have ended well for you guys," Trowa guessed. Heero was morbidly curious. "So, what happened?" "Zechs told Une about it." "Ouch." Treize came to when something heavy and cold dropped onto his nuts. He sat up with a gasp, instantly regretting it when his face throbbed with pain. The hell - did I get hit by a locomotive? "Close," said a soft voice. He cracked open his sore, and likely bruised eyes. A blurry figure stood over him and Treize squinted around the pain to see who it was. Blond hair came into focus and below that, sparkling blue eyes. The man smiled at him. "Not a locomotive. Just my boyfriend." "Ugh," Treize carefully touched his nose to make sure it wasn't some unsightly puffed up mass of shit on his face. "Your boyf -" his eyes widened as he suddenly remembered what happened. He'd been telling that Barton guy about his harrowing trip to the house with his wife when he'd been socked in the nose. "That - that bastard! How dare he?" The indignity! Who did that blue-collar ape think he was? Treize was of a mind to give him an earful and then press charges. "And he'd likely punch you again, just for that," said the blond man. The name was coming to Treize now. Winner, was it? Treize glared at him. "What are you, a mind reader?" The blond raised a brow. "Something like that." He groaned, picking the ice up from his now frozen balls and gingerly pressed the pack against his aching nose. Goddamn, but that hurt like a bitch. "Where is he?" Winner leaned back in his chair, crossing his legs. "Oh...he's around here somewhere." "Around..." Treize gave a start when he suddenly realized he wasn't outside anymore. "What - where am - oh shit!" Winner grinned at him. "Welcome home, Mr. Khushrenada. Your family is happy to see you again." There was another earth-shattering scream that echoed throughout the house, but this time, it came from the living. On the other side, the ghost of Auntie Mildred smiled and rubbed her hands together. So nice of you to come see your Auntie, dear nephew. I do hope you enjoy your visit...
~ * ~ |
