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"Persistence"Written By: Honor Disclaimers: I own Gundam Wing, a dragon (which
resides in my back yard) and possess the ability to fly at will. Pairings: 3x4 Spoilers: For episodes 3-10 Warnings: Romance, heavy lime, angst, sappy moments,
language, violence. I start out very much following the series, but
it doesn’t last long and will slide into a TWT. Some OOC (I gave
Trowa an actual personality, based on my interpretation of his character
in the series. It conflicts with the fanon view, which is why I’m
putting up the warning.) Rating: R Archived: Gundam Wing Diaries Betas: Velvet and Caitilin /thought/ *emphasized* <<vid or comm>>
"Persistence " Chapter 9 What we need to know about loving is no great mystery.
We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon
it, not continually question it. Over-analysis often confuses the
issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight. We sometimes
become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember
that love is easy. It's we who make it complicated. It was late at night, and practically everyone else was in bed. Only two were up, and they were both in the computer room. Wufei was checking his messages for the last time before heading for bed, and Trowa was taking apart his communicator. He’d unfortunately dropped it in a sink of water earlier that day, and hoped that if he took it apart and dried it out it would work again. Maybe. The silence in the room was almost oppressive. Trowa wanted to take advantage of this private moment and ask Wufei a few questions, but wasn’t sure how. Or even if he should. People and their emotions wasn’t his expertise—he’d leave that to his partner. There was a muttered Chinese oath, then Wufei turned his head to glare at him. “Just ask. I’m tired of you thinking so loudly.” Trowa arched an eyebrow. Well, at least Wufei was back to normal. Usually he was either quietly informative or loud and abrasive. That moment in the kitchen where he had been so sad and wise…that had been a little unnerving. “Why did you say such a thing?” Wufei bristled like a cat rubbed the wrong way. “That is none of your business.” “I don’t mean the history behind it,” Trowa denied softly. “It is obvious that *is* none of my business, and painful as well. Why did you say anything to us at all?” The silence dragged out so long that Trowa didn’t think he’d get an answer. Finally Wufei spun to face him, jaw set. “Your lover…is persistent. In the past month and a half, I have received a message everyday asking of my welfare, giving me information, and so forth. I have…he is an admiral leader and a strong one. He should be respected.” Wufei abruptly turned away, signifying an end to the conversation. Quatre had contacted Wufei on a regular basis? Why was
he not surprised. Apparently forty Maguanacs and one Trowa Barton
weren’t up to the task of keeping tabs on one small blond. Trowa’s
mouth quirked wryly. And apparently he’d done something right,
since Wufei was already thawing a bit toward him. /I wonder what he
did to gain Wufei’s respect like this. I don’t imagine Wufei shut his laptop down and started out of the door. “We think highly of you, as well,” Trowa told him quietly. His eyes never left the disassembled communicator in front of him. Wufei hesitated in the doorway, looking back with unreadable eyes. “…good night, Barton.” “Good night. Wufei.” Trowa grinned mentally. /Score one for Quatre./ + Quatre was lightly dozing when Trowa joined him in bed. He sleepily stirred, only settling when he was pulled against a firm chest. “’rowa?” Trowa snuggled in further, eyes closing. “Hn.” “Why are you so pleased?” …apparently there was going to be side effects in having an empath as a partner. “I talked to Wufei a few minutes ago.” Quatre woke up a bit more. “Really? About what?” “I was curious on why he said anything to us this morning. It’s not in character for him.” “…I think we’re misjudging him, Trowa. He’s in a great deal of pain. If that were to be lifted, I think we’d be surprised at the real person he is.” Quatre shrugged this off, making a mental note to think about it later. “Anyway, what did he say?” “Now that I think about it, he really didn’t answer my question. All he really said was that you were a strong person and an admiral leader, and he respected you. Which reminds me, just how did you find time to email him everyday?” “Hm? Oh, I just did it whenever I had a minute. Why, is it working?” “Well, he mentioned it. I don’t think anyone else has shown such consistent concern about him before.” Trowa squeezed the blond in his arms for a moment. “Apparently, whatever it is you’re doing is working.” “Good.” Quatre stifled a yawn. “Go to sleep,” Trowa commanded softly. “Mmmkay.” Quatre snuggled in a bit more comfortably, and went out like a light. + They split up the next morning. Heero had tracked down the base where Armand’s handle had been hacked. He and Wufei went to deal with them early the next morning, almost before everyone else had woken up. Duo led Quatre and Trowa out to a rendezvous point t meet Howard on the eastern sea shore of the North American continent. They hid their Gundams on the beach, in a large outcropping of rock then hiked two miles to the nearest town to grab some lunch. It was Duo, naturally, that spotted the circus just on the outskirts of town. “Hey, cool! Guys, let’s grab lunch there. Howie isn’t going to show up for at least another hour. We can do a few rides while we wait.” Quatre looked at it wistfully. “I’ve never been to a circus before.” “Okay, that settles it, now we have to go.” Duo grabbed his wrist and started dragging him willingly towards the circus. Trowa just sighed and followed along in resignation. It was rather fun to watch Quatre’s _expression as they got closer, though. He was lit up like a child, trying to watch everything at once. /Maybe I should take him to other things like this. I know he’s never really been out doing ‘normal’ things./ He was so focused on his lover that it took a second to place why this circus was so familiar. It’s because it was *his* circus. Trowa screeched to a halt, panicking. “Trowa?” He barely registered Quatre. Uh-oh. If this was…then Cathy…and he hadn’t left with anything more than a note, and she *hated* it when he did that…he had the bruises to prove it… “TROWA BARTON!!!” Trowa flinched as that feminine screech echoed through the crowd, silencing everyone within hearing range. Duo came up beside Quatre, eyebrows raised. “That’s a new look for you, Tro my man. I don’t see you do ‘panicked oh God she FOUND me’ very often. So who’s the chic?” By this point, the ‘chic’ had arrived. She reached up and grabbed Trowa’s ear, hauling him down to her level. “You are in SO much trouble, mister. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll contact you later’?! Even if you live a hundred years, you’re *still* going to be in trouble!” Just from the past few times he’d gotten Trowa to talk of his past, Quatre had an idea of who this must be. He cleared his throat politely. “Excuse me, but…are you Miss Catherine?” Cathy paused and looked over her shoulder. The last time that Trowa had brought someone home, they had been hot, and short on manners. This guy was just as hot (maybe a tad more so, just because she had a weakness for blonds) and there was another person behind him that was just as cute, if unusual because of the hair. They however had manners. Things were looking…interesting. “Yes. Who are you?” “Quatre. This is Duo.” Quatre gave her a charming smile. Trowa’s silent signal of ‘help! PLEASE!’ did not go unnoticed, he just didn’t have a clear plan on how to extract his lover from the girl’s clutches. “Do you have a place we can talk? The middle of a crowd doesn’t seem like the right place for a reunion.” Cathy self consciously let go of Trowa’s ear. (It was only now beginning to dawn that they had quite the crowd of interested on lookers.) He straightened up with a thankful look to the blond and eased a few inches away. “Um, certainly. This way.” Trowa didn’t *quite* hide behind the shorter blond as they were led to a trailer, but it was a near thing. He wasn’t looking forward to the conversation that was sure to take place. Duo was quietly snickering behind them. “Shut up, Duo,” Trowa growled out of the side of his mouth. “Sorry,” Duo attempted to subdue the urge to keep snickering, without noticeable success. “It’s just…I didn’t think you were scared of anything. Then this little circus girl pops up out of nowhere, and you’re shaking like a leaf. Man, I wish I had a camera.” Trowa glared at him darkly. Maybe he should do that prank on Duo without waiting for Heero… Cathy pushed the trailer door open and waved them inside. “Just have a seat.” Quatre sat on the couch, a little amused and bemused when Trowa sat right next to him. If they were any closer, the redhead would have been on his lap. “She’s not going to eat you,” Quatre murmured in his lover’s ear. “No, but she’s going to ream me,” Trowa grumbled back. “Duo, stop snickering!” Duo really lost it at that point, laughing helplessly. He collapsed on the only real chair in the small living room, hand clamped over his mouth. Catherine watched this with open confusion. “What’s so funny?” “He’s finding my discomfort amusing,” Trowa growled, glaring at the braided and laughing teenager. Cathy processed this was a ‘humph’ and decided to ignore everything from that corner of the room. “Trowa, where have you been?! I only have one note, and a message you sent about a week ago to tell me you were alright! You know that isn’t going to cut it.” Trowa sighed, very put upon. “Cathy—” “And don’t you dare give me that whole ‘my life is my own and I have an agenda’ thing! I didn’t buy it the first time!” Quatre gave a glance askance at the Latin. How much does she know? Trowa shook his head. “Cathy. I’m…a terrorist, I guess is the term. I’ve been on a few missions back to back.” Catherine’s eyes narrowed. “I knew you were a soldier, but…alright. You were on missions. The entire three weeks?” “No,” Quatre refuted quietly. “Part of the time, he was with me.” Her sharp eyes hadn’t missed the easy and silent communication between the two, or how close Trowa had stayed to the smaller blond. Trowa hated his personal space being invaded. That he had allowed someone to be that close spoke volumes. “I see. So it’s you who is dragging him into this.” “No.” Trowa snapped. “Don’t shift the blame. I told you I have my own agenda. It just matches what Quatre is doing.” “So you teamed up, just like that.” Quatre started chuckling. “There wasn’t any ‘just’ to it. You know Trowa. It takes a lot of persuasion to change his mind about anything.” Catherine subsided a bit at that. He had a point. It was impossible to change Trowa’s mind most of the time. ~Give me two pina coladas, I want one for each hand!~ Duo got hold of himself and dug out his communicator. “02.” Quatre stared at him blankly. “That’s your ring tone for your communicator?!” <<Kid, where are you?>> Trowa rolled his eyes. “You should have heard the previous version.” “Howie! I’m at the circus, man. Are you on the shoreline?” <<No, I’m sitting in Alaska trying to load up on some ice. Get your scrawny ass down here, kid. I ain’t doin’ all the work.>> “Ryoukai!” Duo caroled cheerfully. “Be down in a few minutes. Maxwell, out. Okay, boys I’m gone.” Quatre nodded. “Trowa, why don’t you stay and talk this out? I’ll handle everything.” If it had been anyone besides Quatre, Trowa wouldn’t have agreed. But it was Quatre, so he nodded (a bit reluctantly). “Fine. I’ll meet you in an hour or so.” Quatre nodded in return. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss Catherine.” “Likewise,” she returned, studying him carefully. Silence reigned in the trailer for a moment after the door closed behind them. Catherine arched an eloquent eyebrow at her adopted brother. “So? Who is he really?” “…” “Oh don’t give me that. You hate having anyone in your personal space, but he was and you let him stay there. He obviously knows you well. So what is he to you?” “He’s my partner.” Catherine rolled her eyes. “Trowa, I wasn’t born in the dark.” Trowa stood up restlessly, turning away from her and facing one of the small windows. “It’s the truth.” She paused, taking in his defensive stance. “I have a hard time picturing you letting ‘just’ a partner coming so close to you. Are you boyfriends or something?” Trowa sighed irritably. Catherine would continue to push until she had all the information she wanted. He found himself bristling at it. “Or something.” “Lovers?” Trowa flinched at the word. “No.” “Then what?!” “I told you, we’re partners.” “And I told you I wasn’t buying that. You’re
physically comfortable with him, Trowa, and that doesn’t happen
unless you’re intimate. So if you’re not boyfriends, and
you’re not lovers, then what are you?” There was no response,
unless you counted the Trowa whirled on her, eyes narrowed angrily. “Shut up.” Her eyes flew wide. “I don’t believe this. Trowa, what the hell do you think you’re doing?! It’s obvious that he cares about you! Why are you using him like that if you can’t return the feeling?” “I said *shut* *up*!” Catherine unconsciously backed up, swallowing hard. She’d never seen Trowa angry before. It was…a scarily impressive sight. “I can’t. You’re both going to be hurt in the end if you keep this up.” All of his fight just seemed to drain out of him. He stared at her silently, with muted eyes. “Trowa, if I’m wrong, if you do care something about him then please tell me. I don’t think you have it in you to hurt someone like that. Is he special to you?” “He’s…he’s my friend.” She blinked at hearing that. She’d never heard
Trowa describe anyone as a friend before, not even in past reference.
He must care at least a little about the blond, then. But that still
didn’t make what he was doing right. “Friends don’t
do that sort of thing, + An hour later, it was that sentence that played over and over in Trowa’s head as he walked down to Howard’s ship. He’d never had a friend before, so he had been able to delude himself that being with Quatre and having sex with him was alright. It was acceptable. But Catherine had lots of friends, and she knew what was acceptable and what wasn’t. Sex wasn’t. This disturbed Trowa deeply. She claimed that being a friend to Quatre and yet having sex with him at the same time was wrong. She thought he was just using him for sex, taking advantage of the blond’s kind nature and teenage libido. /And…she’s right, in a way./ Quatre had been wrong, when he claimed that it didn’t matter if Trowa wanted him back. Unless there was some kind of strong feeling of care between them, then… /He’s nothing more than a whore that I’m using. And I can’t bear to think of him as that. He’s NOT that, dammit./ /I’ve lied to myself long enough. I have to end this. Maybe it won’t make a difference for me if I break this off now or later…but it won’t hurt him as badly if I break it off now. And he’s more important./ Cathy had already assured him that he was welcome to bunk with her, again. She’d actually been miffed that he’d questioned his place there. He’d just go talk to Howard, clear things with him, then settle things with Quatre before going back to the circus. Of course, things didn’t work out that easily. Howard was gone for parts, leaving him Duo to talk to. At least they were in the small office in the ship, and not out in the open. Trowa had a suspicion that this wouldn’t go smoothly. He tried to keep it brief, and added a pointed glare so the braided idiot would keep his mouth shut. “I’m staying with Catherine. When can Heavyarms be ready to go?” Duo had been muttering over a set of blueprints but he paused at this announcement and looked up. “Why did I hear the words ‘without Quatre’ in there somewhere?” “When will Heavyarms be ready?” Trowa repeated flatly.
“Duo, answer the damn question.” He turned so he could glare at the teenager still looming in the doorway. “You do realize that Q would sell his soul to you without a second of hesitation, don’t you? If you walk away now, you’ll be breaking his heart.” Trowa ground his teeth. “You don’t know anything about this.” “I know he’s scared of losing you. And I know you’re being an absolute asshole. Look, Tro, neither one of us are real comfortable with the ‘I love you’ department, but let me give you a hint here. Loving somebody means unconditional trust, and support, and caring. I think you’re capable of that—from what I’ve seen, you’re already doing it. Why you’re willing to just drop it all I don’t know.” Trowa pivoted about and stalked out of the room, door slamming behind him. Duo let out an explosive sigh. “Hell, I tried.” + Quatre had just managed to get a pair of jeans on when there was a knock at the door. Brushing damp hair out of his eyes, he called, “Come in!” His head cocked as his lover came in. “You don’t look happy. She really did chew you out, didn’t she?” Almost out of habit, he rose up to kiss him in welcome. Trowa stepped back. It was that action more than anything that made Quatre stop. Trowa had never, in their entire time together, avoided him physically. “Trowa?” Trowa swallowed hard. This was going to be harder than he realized. Much harder. “I’m leaving.” “…I don’t understand. Why are you leaving?” It couldn’t be a mission, not with Heavyarms out of commission. Another breath to bolster his courage. “Because I shouldn’t stay with you any longer.” Quatre’s brows snapped together. “That is the stupidest thing you’ve ever said to me. You’re not making any sense, Trowa.” “I’m using you,” Trowa rasped. “You’re my friend. I shouldn’t be using you like this.” “Using me?” Quatre instinctively reached out, trying to put them both on a physical level, a comfortable place that they alway retreated to when they didn’t understand each other. “You’re not—” “Yes I am,” Trowa snarled. He pinned the other pilot against the bathroom door, nearly shaking. /Why am I so afraid…/ “Just like a whore. I’m not giving you anything, but I’m taking everything. I refuse to lower you to that level, Quatre. You’re not like that and I won’t make you into one. But I can’t trust myself with you so I have to leave.” Where was this coming from?! Quatre started shaking his head frantically. “That’s not true! None of tha tis true!” “Yes it is!” “No it’s not! You can’t lie to me, Trowa. Of all the people in this world, I’m the one person that you can’t lie to! What are you really afraid of?!” “Dammit, Quatre!” Both of Trowa’s fists hit the door right above the blond’s head, and Quatre jumped slightly at the impact. “Stop it!” Quatre felt a little uneasy. Trowa was seriously angry with him. He just couldn’t figure out *why*. “Stop what?” “Don’t play dumb!” Trowa snarled, leaning in closer. “Every time we have sex, every time we go on a mission, every time that you do something thoughtful for me, every *minute* that I spend with you I can feel you tie another flaxen cord around my neck that makes it harder and harder for me to leave. But we both know that I’ll leave eventually—my usefulness to you will end sooner or later. Don’t make this any more difficult. You’re the best partner I’ve ever had on a mission. Let’s leave it at—” Quatre caught his head and rose up to press a kiss on his mouth, cutting off the words. “I love you.” Trowa’s rant halted. He stared in growing panic at the person in front of him. He…he hadn’t heard that right… “I love you,” Quatre repeated firmly. “And I don’t want you to ever leave.” “Shut up,” the Latin rasped. “Shut up! You don’t know what you’re saying.” “I know exactly what I’m saying,” Quatre refuted quietly. “But you can’t believe it. I’ve loved you since the minute that I laid eyes on you, but I knew you wouldn’t be able to believe that. I had to show you.” “I can’t love you back. I can’t…I can’t promise you to love you forever, to not want anyone else.” “Trowa…” Quatre was ready to scream in frustration. “I told you, that doesn’t matter.” “It does matter! I’m taking advantage of you, and I won’t do it anymore.” Trowa turned away from him, snatching at the handle roughly. “Trowa!” Quatre stuffed his feet into shoes to run after him, snatching up a shirt as he went. But that brief delay cost him. By the time he was up on the main deck of the ship, Trowa was out of sight.
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