|
"Battle of the Sexes"Written By: Honor Disclaimers: I’ve contracted some guy named
Doctor Draken to steal the boys. It’s part of his mad scheme
to take over the world. Nifty, huh? Pairings: 5XS Rating: PG-13 Warnings: Swearing…er…I think that’s
it. Post-EW. Spew warning! Spoilers: nada Archived: Gundam Wing Diaries and honordemandoren@
livejournal. com Betas: Velvet Author’s Insane and Often Incoherent Rambling: *emphasized* " Battle of the Sexes"
I’m going to kill him. Yes, I’m a Preventer and a doctor, but I’m
also a woman. A fed up, extremely pissed woman; one that can legally
carry around firearms and shoot people. And if Chang Wufei doesn’t
grow up in the next fifteen seconds, he’s going to die. I’m
fairly sure Une will consider it to be justifiable homicide. "Sally." Noin was giving me an anxious look,
probably reading the murderous intent on my face. "Take deep
breaths." "I don’t want to take deep breaths,"
I growled at her. "I want to kill him." We were in our office
at HQ, and yes that means there’s only those little cubbyhole
walls up so anyone can hear us…does it look like I care right
now? "I know." Her sigh was a little strained.
"Believe me, in your shoes I’d probably already have at
least taken a couple of shots at him. But you can’t kill him." Before she could respond, Duo sauntered by. He opened
his mouth, probably intending a friendly ‘Hi! How’s it going?’
like he usually did when he saw me. It never made it out of his mouth.
"Whoa. You look pissed." Duo is nothing if not blunt. "What
did he do this time?" It’s past ridiculous when everybody knows who I’m
mad at without me having to say anything. "Duo, you’re one
of his best friends. Can’t you sit him down and explain to him
what flirting is all about?" "Don’t tell me he went ballistic on another
guy?" This scenario has played out so many times I feel like
I’m in a Shakespearean play—the plot is all laid out, the
actors go through the motions and their lines, and the ending is inevitable.
Act One is when some very nice looking man sees me, and we start giving
each other interested appraisals. Act Two is when he casually saunters
over and starts making small talk. Act Three is when we begin a game
of light flirtation. Act Four is when Wufei notices, shows up, and
scares the guy off with either glares or cutting insults. Act Five
is when I blow up at him, he yells back, and we stalk away from each
other fuming. Like I said, no deviation whatsoever. "Of course
he did!" I snapped in exasperation. "Duo, so help me, if
he does this one more time I’m going to clobber him." "That’s what you said last time," he
pointed out neutrally. The tone was completely spoiled by the twinkle
in his eyes. "How do you think he got that black eye?"
I growled back. "You are a scary and vindictive woman, Sally Po." "Why don’t you try telling your friend that?
Maybe then he’ll leave me alone!" "Ah," Duo intoned wisely, "but do you
want him to leave you alone?" In the beginning I was actually hoping that he would
get the nerve up to ask me out. After a year and a half of waiting
in vain, I really didn’t care if he wanted me or not. I was just
fed up with this rut. I feel like I’m living in a soap opera,
and I don’t like soap operas to begin with! "Right now,
yes!" He quirked an eyebrow at me, silently asking ‘really?’ I let go of most of my irritation and decided to level
with him. Grabbing his arm, I towed him in closer so I could say this
without the whole building hearing it. "Look," I muttered
in a low tone, "the truth of the matter is he’s one of the
hottest pieces of eyecandy around and of course I noticed and appreciate
the view. But I’m going on a year and a half now without being
on a date because he keeps screwing it up and there’s just so
much of late night television that a girl can take before she wants
some personal attention, okay? So do I want Wufei to leave me alone?
If he can’t get up the guts to actually ask me out, then the
answer is yes." Duo smirked. Or maybe I should say Shinigami smirked.
That was a very disturbing smile my friend was wearing. Noin looked
a little unnerved by it as well. "Sal, since you’re such
a sweetheart, I’ll offer you a deal." I wasn’t sure if I could deal with Shinigami and
come out on top, but I was certainly willing to hear the terms first.
"What’s the deal?" "I’ll go stir ‘Fei up and make him jealous
enough to actually get his ass in action, and in return you teach
me how to cook something besides a microwavable dinner." Duo? In my kitchen? *Cooking* in my kitchen? As I remember,
his last attempt at ‘cooking’ had ended in him moving to
another apartment—as I understand it, he hadn’t gotten his
deposit back either. "As long as I can teach you in your kitchen
and not mine, it’s a deal." We mock-formally shook to seal the deal, then Duo winked
at Noin. "Would you care to join in on the action?" Noin bit her lip, taking a second to think about it.
"Oh what the hell, he’s been driving me crazy too. What’s
my part in your plan? And it’s obvious that you have a plan." "Of course I do. You won’t even need to lie
any." Duo leaned back past the partition walls—damn that
boy is flexible, how can he bend like that and keep his balance?—checking
both ways real quick. "Ah, perfect—Anderson is coming this
way." Anderson was the renowned gossip in the building. I
think I’m beginning to catch a glimmer of Duo’s plan. "Just follow along behind her in about a minute,"
Duo instructed Noin quietly. "You’re there just as a confirming
witness, got it?" "Can I be sarcastic and insulting too?" Noin
was bouncing in her seat like an overactive three-year-old on a sugar
high. Duo shrugged (which Noin I’m sure took as silent
assent) and in the blink of an eye switched from Duo-the-friend to
Duo-the-Casanova. He just *oozed* sensuality. Don’t get me wrong,
Duo’s damn good looking and a person would have to be blind to
miss it, but I’ve never seen him like *this*. It was a minor
shock to my system to realize that he wasn’t that half-scrawny
sixteen year old boy anymore…when the hell had he gotten so tall
and filled out anyway? "So…" the voice was meant to be confidential…
it was also pitched to be heard all around the room. He shifted in
closer, letting one hand trail up my arm. I had trouble keeping my
face straight, what I really wanted to do was gape at him. "Friday,
my place?" I could hear the click of high heels getting closer…slowing
down as they caught Duo’s tone and words. I kicked my brain back
into gear, smiling up at him deliberately and matching that almost
bedroom quality of voice. "Six o’clock? I make some excellent
Cantonese." "Sounds good, beautiful." Duo paused for a
second, glancing to see if Anderson was on us yet. Then he leaned
in close and kissed me. Oooh. Mmm. I had almost forgotten how nice it was to
be kissed. Duo’s no slouch in that department either, let me
tell you. I kissed him back without even thinking. There was a gasp of shock, something hitting the floor, then quick rapid steps away. Duo pulled back, smirking slightly. "I think my timing was perfect. Damn, Sal, if I wasn’t gay I’d be very tempted
to take you out. Fei-fei doesn’t know what he’s missing."
I flushed a little at the sideways compliment. "You’re
not bad either." He bowed a little. "Thank you, pretty lady. Noin,
better get going. If I know Anderson, she went straight to Wuffers
to demand his side of the story. You’ve got about ten seconds
before he blows his lid." Noin was snickering and rubbing her hands together in
glee as she bounced up, quickly heading for Wufei’s office. She
really is upset with him, isn’t she? "Give it ten minutes," he instructed me, "then
go to the break room. I usually get a cup of coffee at about this
time, and I’ll make *sure* to wander by Wuffiken’s office
lamenting about my lack of caffeine and get him to follow me. I’ll
have it out with him a bit and see if I can’t properly provoke
him then you can step in okay?" Are we really sure that Quatre was the main strategist
of the pilots? Duo even has this *timed*, and all spur of the moment
too. …or was it? It hardly mattered, but I made a mental note to ask
Duo about this later. "Sure. And thanks, Duo." "No problem. Tell you the truth, it was bugging
me too." With a casual salute he strolled away. Wufei’s office is about ten down from mine, so
I could hear Duo quite clearly complain about needing some coffee.
I could also hear Anderson’s slightly shrill voice as she tried
to pump Chang Wufei for details on his love life. It’s true…the
woman has no survival instincts whatsoever. Hence why she’s not
allowed to go out into the field. Duo might have told me to wait ten minutes, but I was
honestly curious as to what he was going to say. I waited two, until
I heard Wufei storm out of his office and slam into the break room.
Then I quickly scurried over and planted myself next to the door,
leaning against the wall to remain out of sight and unobserved. "—not a game, Maxwell!" Hm. Wufei sounded
pissed. "Who says I’m playing?" "You’re gay, why are you hitting on Sally?" "Ah, Wuffers, you’re laboring under a misconception
here," Duo tsked in a slightly mocking tone. "No I’m not! Ancestors take me, I’ve
seen you flirt with Heero on a regular basis." "Yeah? Well, you can’t blame me he’s
totally hot. But Fei, have you ever considered that I might be bi?" You could have heard a pin drop in that room, the silence
was so absolute. I knew quite well that Duo *wasn’t* bi, but
boy could he make the truth dance a jig when the situation called
for it. Wufei made a slightly strangled sound. "So you’re
just dumping Heero?" "What’s to dump? He’s obviously not interested,
he’s never flirted back and I’m tired of hitting my head
against a brick wall." "So you’re just switching to Sally?!" "Wufei," Duo sounded completely condescending,
"it has not escaped my notice that Sally is a very beautiful
woman. Actually, most of the men around her have noticed—including
you. Now, unlike the rest of those yahoos I’m not afraid of you
or afraid of going after what I want. You can’t intimidate me
away, Chang Wufei. Not like those other idiots." "Duo." Wufei was…quiet, now. Not enraged,
just very serious. "I’m asking you to leave her alone."
"Why? So she can keep spending her nights alone?
That isn’t what she wants, Wufei. Maybe this life is enough for
you, but it’s not enough for her. She needs someone to hold onto.
If you refuse to be that for her, then why shouldn’t I make a
move?" There was no answer. I felt…strange at that growing
silence. It took a minute to realize that I was disappointed. I had
hoped that Wufei cared enough, deep down, to fight for me. But apparently
it didn’t go down that deep. What had I been waiting for, this
past year and a half? Duo walked out at that moment, almost running into me.
He looked vaguely surprised to see me hovering near the door. Catching
my arm, he drew me further away for a moment to confer quietly. "Sally, I’m not sure how much you overheard,
but I’m telling you this right now. He’s so in love with
you the guy can’t think straight. If I wasn’t his best friend,
he’d probably have beat the crap out of me just now. Just go
in there, pretend like you know nothing, and see how he reacts. I
think I’ve got him to the point where he’s going to finally
admit aloud what he feels." I had a teacher once tell me that only seven percent
of our communication was verbal. Duo must have read something in Wufei’s
body language that made him think this way. My assumption was perhaps
too hasty. I nodded firmly. "Okay." Taking a deep breath
I turned around and strolled ‘casually’ into the break room.
One look at Wufei’s face was enough to tell me
that I had definitely made the wrong assumption. This was not a silence
of defeat but a silence of rage. His hand was flexing like he wanted
to hit something, but couldn’t figure out where the target was.
Okay, Sally, remember—you know nothing. I gave him one quick
look, rolled my eyes, and headed straight for the snack bar. "He doesn’t suit you," Wufei muttered
acidly. "Who doesn’t?" I retorted icily. "Duo." "And why not?" "He’d drive you insane in three days and you
know it." Actually, he probably would. I deliberately shrugged
my shoulders, not even deigning to look at him. "At least he’s
man enough to ask me out. Unlike someone else I could mention."
"Do you mean to suggest that you’re only going
out with him because he asked?!" "No," I corrected loftily, "it’s
because he’s charming, and gorgeous, and confident enough *to*
ask me out." Unlike you. I was quite proud of myself for not
saying that out loud. I picked up a water bottle and dug a credit
out to pay for it. It would come in handy for the two aspirin I planned
on taking after this conversation was done. Deliberately I turned,
giving him a pointed look. "After all, I’m not a nun. I’m
free to date whoever I wish aren’t I?" He was trapped and he knew it. If he argued the point
further he would have to admit that he was wrong at some point—and
the sun will explode before Chang Wufei will admit that he’s
wrong about something. If you looked under his carefully neutral _expression,
it was easy to see he was angry and miserable, but he wasn’t
saying anything either. In spite of myself, I felt a soft pang about that. Not
enough to let him off the hook of course. "Later, Wufei,"
I caroled as I headed for the door. Uh-oh, I’m back to woman. Never a good sign. I
paused, glancing back. Yup, he’s definitely blown his lid. I
think I saw steam coming out of his ears. "If you think I’m going to leave it like this,
you’re crazy!" He stalked forward, making me retreat until
my back was against the side of the refrigerator. *Finally*! This was the Chang Wufei that I knew—one
that knew what he wanted, and was going to put forth all of his effort
in order to get it. I was mentally jumping up and down for joy even
as his eyes pinned me in place. Just to goad him further (yes, I am
aware that I have a twisted sense of humor) I quirked an eyebrow at
him. "Apparently you have something to say." "You’re not going out with him," he stated
curtly. Probably not. I carefully didn’t smile, just stared
back at him coolly. "Oh?" "You’re going out with me." YES!!!! He FINALLY said it! It was a struggle to keep
my voice and face even, but I somehow managed it. "You sound
very sure of that. This isn’t some misguided attempt to protect
my virtue is it?" I knew damn well it wasn’t. I expected him to argue—get upset and exasperated
like he usually does. He didn’t. He leaned in slowly, mouth brushing
mine in a warm caress that sent little shivers tingling along my nerves.
…*oh*. On the second pass my eyes fluttered shut
and this time I kissed him back. When my lips parted his tongue snuck
into my mouth. Somehow this made the room’s temperature jump
ten degrees. Now don’t misunderstand. Duo’s nice to kiss.
Wufei is like wrapping yourself around a blazing inferno. He shifted
his head more to the right, tongue tangling with mine…okay, this
might have been worth a year and a half’s wait… He retreated a bit and it took a second to blink myself
back into focus. There was a slightly smug look on his face as he
said softly, "I’ll pick you up at six." "To dinner. And after dinner I’m taking you
to bed and convincing you that you really don’t want any other
man as a lover." Oh I certainly hope so. "You better have a very
good argument ready, Wufei." His smirk widened a bit, but he only kissed me again
briefly (darn it!) before he turned away. "At six," he repeated
before he disappeared into the hallway. When I was sure he was out of hearing range, I did a
little victory dance. As Heero would put it, Mission Accomplished.
Duo’s and Noin’s head appeared in the doorway,
wearing identical expressions of ‘*Well*?!’ I just grinned at them, which was answer enough. "He’s asked you out?" Noin was torn between
incredulity and giddiness. "Tonight," I confirmed. "Where?" "Dinner," and then hopefully to a nice comfy
bed somewhere…oh shit! My euphoria evaporated under a wave of
panic. "Noin! I don’t have anything that’s nice to
wear!" I had jeans or uniforms that was it. Duo started snickering. "If that’s your only
worry, you’re okay." "No I’m not! He’s going to pick me up
at six and it’s—" I glanced at my wrist watch "—three
now!" Noin, bless her observant mind, offered quickly "There’s
a Chinese clothing store three blocks down." "Let’s go." I grabbed her arm and started
running out of the room. "Sal!" Duo called after me in amusement. "Should
I clock you out?" "Tell them I’m sick!" I called back over
my shoulder. "Une only wants us to use sick days if it’s
an emergency!" he yelled back. "This is an emergency!" I was nearly to the
doors by now, but I caught something like an eye roll from him, and
‘women’ muttered in tones of utter despair. ~*~*~*~ OWARI
On to the sequel: "Side Effects" |
