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"If That’s What it Takes"Written By: Gypsie 1201 Pairings: 1x2 Warnings: Angst, POV, Sap Rating: PG-15 Disclaimer: I don’t own Gundam Wing or any
of its characters, nor will I make any money from the creation of
this story. Feedback: All is welcome and much appreciated. Beta work by Chelle. Summary: It takes two to make a relationship work, but when something happens and one person suddenly stops, what will the other do to save it.
" If That’s What it Takes"
With a sigh, I push the fear to the back of my mind again as I slip from under the heavy comforter that covers the queen-sized bed. Then, pulling on the oversized t-shirt that still lies beside the bed, where I’d stripped it off the night before, I head for the bathroom just down the hall to deal with my full bladder, give my hands and face a quick wash, and down a glass of water to fend off the dry mouth waking up in the middle of the night has caused before heading for the living room. That’s where I find him, just as I knew I would, sitting on the couch with his arms braced on his knees and staring at the vidscreen, which is still dark. The only light in the room comes from the refrigerator in the kitchen, but it’s pale and doesn’t give me a good look at the expression on his face. I don’t need it though to know the pain that’s there and with a barely controlled sigh, I walk across the room and into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of milk; the only thing I’ve found that can help me get back to sleep after being woken up like this. Even as I’m doing it though, I know I’m just putting off the inevitable. But then again, I could just drink my milk and go back to bed instead of what I know I’ll do. Nothing would change either way, it’s been three days now and still he won’t talk to me. Three very long and quiet days since he came back from whatever hell he’d been in. When Commander Une had approached us about the mission nearly three months ago, I’d been the first to raise my objections. Not only about the details of it, which were sketchy at best, but also because of the choice of agents. I know that Preventers’ policy doesn’t allow for committed couples to partner on those types of missions, but it was still a hard thing to swallow knowing that, if we accepted it, I wouldn’t be going in with him. But in the end, we agreed that it was needed and did just that. Beside, once I knew Wufei would be with him it was a bit easier to take; if there was anyone I trusted, not only with my own life but his, it was the ex-pilot of Shenlong. But even then, I hadn’t really thought about just how hard it would be not seeing or at least speaking to him for two months. And it wasn’t until after the first week had passed that it finally hit me that he wasn’t going to be coming home any time soon. By then, not even his smell on his pillow remained and everything in the apartment just seemed so cold. I took to spending more and more time at headquarters after that, where it was my job to monitor the mission, collecting the reports and various information they were able to funnel back to us from the group they’d infiltrated. It got so bad that, after spending four day straight sitting at my desk staring at the reports, Une had me put on forced leave. Meaning that, if she caught me anywhere near the Preventers’ building for a week, she’d have me listed as unfit for duty and taken off fieldwork permanently. I was pretty pissed about it and who could blame me, those little bits of information were my only connection to the one person in this world who I simply couldn’t live without and for a week, I got nothing. I did my week in peace though and when I returned, I kept strictly to the mission hours she’d set for me. But only because I knew if I didn’t she’d carry through on her threat to take me off the case all together. And while the time following that seemed to drag on and on, it did finally come to an end. I’ll never forget the day the last piece of information came in and with it the code that indicated they were coming home. Without batting an eyelash, I’d turned to Une and informed her I’d be taking the rest of the week off. To say the look on her was priceless would’ve been an understatement; it was a mix of extreme relief and thoroughly pissed off that only she could accomplish. She didn’t argue though and as soon as the work day was over, I rushed home to begin my preparations. Two days later, on the actual day they were supposed to be home, I spent it cleaning the apartment and preparing for a night he wouldn’t soon forget. I even went so far as to fix a big dinner; candle light, good wine, soft music playing in the background, and our favorite, Italian takeout on our best plates. I ended up throwing it all away the next morning because he didn’t come home that night after all. Instead, he’d spent the night at headquarters, him and Wufei both being debriefed for nearly twelve hours straight. He hadn’t even called to tell me he wouldn’t be home, no one had. I was the one to call and it was Sally that had told me what was going on. That was my first indication that something was very wrong. With nothing else to do the next day, I’d gone to headquarters just like any other day, choosing to wait in our shared office for him to show up instead of trying to track him down in the building. When lunch time rolled around and I still hadn’t seen him though, I decided to run to the cafeteria to grab something to eat. That’s when I found him, coming out of Wufei’s office with a very dark look on his face and I‘d stopped dead in my tracks as I watched him walk toward me. But he didn’t even pause or acknowledge my presence, and the hurt it caused nearly had me bend double in the hallway. This was the first time we’d seen each other since he left for that mission and he hadn’t even looked at me, let alone spoken to me. So, I did the only think I could think of, I grabbed him by the arm and demanded to know what the hell was going on. I’ll never forget the look he’d given me then; his eyes blank for what anyone else could see, but not me, we’d been through too much together. I could see the pain in them; pain and grief that had not been there before he’d left and for a moment, I couldn’t breathe. Unfortunately, before I could really analyze and find a source for it, he jerked his arm out of my grip and continued down the hall without looking back. I found myself staring after him in shock for several long seconds, until I managed to pull myself out of it and had gone directly to Une’s office; if he wouldn’t tell me what had happened, I’d get it from the top. Ten minutes later, I slammed out of her office for the second time since the beginning of that cursed mission after being informed that I was no longer privy to the details since I’d been officially taken off the case just that morning. I took everything in strides from there, even if I was seriously pissed off; the fact that the building was still in one piece when I walked out the front doors five minutes later was proof of that. Besides, I just figured once I’d got him home in the quiet of our own apartment, I’d be able to wheedle the information out of him. I just had to calm down a bit first and he just needed the time to get that stick out of his ass that the debriefing or whatever had somehow shoved up there. But it didn’t work that way. Instead, he’d remained completely unresponsive, even when I’d gotten angry and started yelling at him. That was three days ago and while we’ve still been sleeping in the same bed, driving to work, and eating dinner together, we’ve been completely apart. And every night, I wake up about this same time to find him gone, sitting in the living room and staring at a dark vidscreen. Not for the first time, as I stand here in the doorway to the kitchen with my glass of milk in my hand, I wonder what would happen if I just walk back to the bedroom and go back to bed. If I break the routine that we’ve settled into since his return to our home. But I know I can’t. No matter how much his silence hurts me, I know it’s slowly killing him. Whatever happened on that mission, whatever horror he experienced that he doesn’t want me to know about, it’s slowly eating him alive inside and if he doesn’t find a way to get it out, he’ll eventually waste away. And yes, I do know that that’s the reason he’s not talking to me. Why you might ask? Because after spending a very tense and quiet night at home on a night that should’ve been spent reacquainting ourselves with each others, I’d stomped back into Une’s office the next morning and demanded an explanation. She wouldn’t tell me of course, because she‘d promised him she wouldn’t. But she did let me know in an off-handed and off-the-record way that I really needed to talk to him about it. And that, whatever it was he was trying to protect me from, was bad. For the third time, I’d had to leave work early again, since just the thought that he was doing this from some warped need to take care of me, thoroughly pissed me off. And while I’m still not happy about it, I’m not prepared to lose him over it either. So, with that in mind, I heave another deep sigh and start across the living room toward the couch, sitting beside him and setting my glass on the table, before turning to him and place a hand on his knee, doing my level best to ignore the flinch that passes through him at my touch. “Heero?” I question softly and wait for his eyes to move to meet mine. “Are you alright?” It’s the same question I’ve asked him for the last three nights and I get the same answer as before; nothing. Instead, he simply continues to stare at me, the look in his eyes so full of pain and regret it causes my own heart to clench in return. “Please, Heero. Please tell me what happened.” I break down and beg him, once again just like every night since his return. But tonight’ll be different, it has to be. I simply can’t take this living with a ghost anymore. Anymore than I can sit back and watch as his silence tears us apart. “I can’t take this anymore, Heero.” I tell him and for a moment, I see his eyes widen in surprise. “I can’t keep living like this.” This is the first time I’ve deviated from the routine in three days. Normally, after he’d ignored my plea for an answer I’d grab my glass and retreat to the bedroom, slamming the door behind me and leaving him to spend the rest of the night on the couch by himself. Like it mattered anyways; we might still be sleeping in the same bed, but he hasn’t touched me at all since his return. I might as well still be living alone. It’s that fact that’s prompted me to act this night, to demand an answer and not give up until I have it, no matter what it takes. “This… whatever it is… isn’t hurting just you, you know.” I remind him fiercely while I continue to ignore his surprised stare. “I love you, Heero, and I spent two months alone because we were doing our jobs; a job that I’ve always believed in, just like you. But something happened on that mission while you were gone, I know it did. Something you can’t or won’t tell me about and whether you want to believe it or not, it’s killing us both.” By this time, I’m in tears and although I hate myself at that moment for the weakness they show, I can’t seem to make them stop either. Only three days of his silence has passed, but this pain is by far the worse I’ve felt in a very long time. “Why can’t you tell me, Heero? What can be so bad you can’t tell me, the one person you’re supposed to love above all others? You promised me when we started this relationship that we’d always be honest with each other. Did you lie to me? Did you?!” I know my voice has risen as I’ve spoken and undoubtedly our neighbors are not too happy about the noise but I can’t care anymore. Watching him slowly die before my eyes is not something I signed on for and either he tells me now, or we really and truly are through. The very thought of being without him for real though causes my blood to run cold in my veins. “You’re killing me with this silence, Heero. You’re killing us! Is that what you want? Do you want to end it? I thought you loved me?” I finish at barely a whisper, my voice running the gambit much the same as my emotions have over the last, several days. And as I watch him continue to watch me, I know he’s still not going to answer. This is when it finally becomes too much for me and as the first of my sobs escape my lips, I drop my head down into my hands as the past days finally catch up with me. The storm that slowly and cruelly passes through me nearly tears me apart as I cry for myself and for Heero but mostly for the loss of something very precious that I can see fading before my very eyes. And just as I’m preparing to run back to our bedroom to finish my breakdown in private, his arms close around me and pull me close against his chest. But instead of calming my tears, it only draws a louder and more violent sob from my chest. This is the first time he’s voluntarily touched me since he left for that damned mission and it feels so damn good I can hardly bare the thought of it. But even as I’m wallowing in the warmth of him surrounding me after such a long absence, another sound other than my tears reaches my ears and I force myself to calm down enough to hear it. When I finally realize what it is, it nearly undoes my efforts; he’s chanting my name as if it were his personal mantra; softly, barely more than a whisper. And what’s more, there are tears in that much loved voice and before I can even think about it, I turn in his arms so I can pull him to me, tucking his head up under my chin. “Shh.” I whisper as his previously silent tears turn into sobs at my actions. But inside, I don’t want him to stop. I know that the dam that had been keeping whatever he’d been bottling up from rush out is breaking inside of him. I’ve been wanting this for three long days and as I sit and rock him gently like a child, for the first time since he came back from that mission, I know he’s finally coming home. END
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