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"An Inexplicable Thread"Written By: ELLE Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam
Wing (unfortunately) and they were used without permission, but all
the words are my own. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: AU in modern day, language, extensive
drug use, my poor understanding of the military, CIA, and Yakuza,
likely it'll get pretty smutty at times but I'm not certain how long
it'll take to get there. Pairings: 1x2 Summary: For years now, Duo has been plagued with visions of a mysterious man he is forced to paint. Meanwhile, Heero is returning from undercover field work to a life of nothingness. But they will soon learn they are more entwined then they know... Notes: I'm trying something a little different with the POVs in this. I normally stick to third person POV but only follow one character's thoughts. In this story, some chapters are going to be half Duo's POV and half Heero's POV. Then others, when they're together, are going to be a mixture. We'll see how it works out. I'm a bit nervous about it because I frankly despise mixed POVs as I find them contrived and unrealistic, BUT I can't see any way around it so here goes nothing.
"An Inexplicable Thread"
Duo wore a grin only for himself as he took the elevator up to his apartment. The show went wonderfully. Although some people were a bit off-put by his bright and angelic body of work, mostly they were receptive and he'd sold many pieces that night. Heero had come too, looking unbelievably dashing in a demure grey suit, sipping champagne and staring with his signature boredom at everyone in the room. The memory made him chuckle. He'd been so pleased when Heero arrived, thinking that the despite the other man's overwhelming amount of attention last month Heero would ultimately feel too out of place and not show. Unfortunately he found himself falling hopelessly for the strange, stoic man. He supposed it was inevitable. He'd spent so much time over the past eight years thinking about him, wondering who he was, staring into his eyes... Now that he was here and being so kind - how could he not fall for him? And sometimes he could swear those eyes were sweeping over him, admiring him, if only for a moment. But he shook his head, trying to banish those thoughts so that he wouldn't get his hopes up. Nothing Heero ever said indicated he was interested in men at all, let alone him. Besides, he was quite aware Heero's time was limited. One day he'd return to his mystery job and Duo would be alone, again. He might not be able to see him any more, even with heroin... "You're pathetic," he muttered under his breath as the elevator bell chimed and the doors slid open. He turned down his hall and was shocked to see a dark figure leaning against his door. As he got cautiously closer, he realized it was Heero. But Heero never came to his apartment at night. He'd thought he'd gone home... "Heero?" he called carefully as he approached. Duo realized when he was only a few feet from him that his whole body was shaking. "Heero?" he asked again, reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder when his impossibly blue eyes turned up to meet his, his face wet with tears. "Don't make me leave," Heero begged, his voice cracking. "No, no," Duo comforted, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. Heero fell into him, leaning his full weight into his body so that he had to re-stabilize himself before he could dig his key out and unlock the door. They stumbled in together and Duo lead him to the bed and sat him down. He was going to switch on a light but Heero gripped his shirt in an unbelievably tight fist and so Duo sat down next to him. He found Heero pressing his face against his chest, sobbing uncontrollably. In spite of his surprise, Duo wrapped his arms around the other man's trembling shoulders, holding him tightly. "I don't even know who I am," Heero whispered after an indeterminate length of time, after his sobbing slowed to a miserable cry. "You're Heero Yuy," Duo replied calmly, trying to be what Heero needed, though he wasn't sure exactly what that was. Heero shook his head, face still buried against his chest in a puddle of wet. "Who is that? Who is Heero?" he asked, his heart clearly breaking with the words. "I've spent so long pretending to be someone else, I don't even know me." Duo stroked his hair, running his fingers through the unruly mop of silken thread. "You're a good man, Heero," he murmured. "You're smart and caring. You care so much about others that you separate yourself from them completely so you don't get hurt when you have to let them go." He chuckled then. "And you don't like art." "Don't I?" Heero asked, pulling himself away. He rubbed his eyes on the back of his hands and set them dejectedly in his lap, staring at them helplessly. "I didn't even - I didn't even know I was gay." His voice was nothing but a strangled whine then, and Duo could tell how deeply the confession embarrassed him. But he had the distinct impression it wasn't being gay that bothered him as much as not knowing something so fundamental about himself. Unfortunately, Duo didn't know how he could possibly reply to that, though he was spared the attempt as Heero started again after collecting himself for a moment. "Twenty-eight fucking years old and I didn't know...?" Disgust with himself was evident from his tone and his hands tightened into angry fists. "I just thought, maybe I was asexual, maybe sex wasn't meant to be fulfilling to everyone. I thought maybe I just didn't have the emotional capacity for it. I've appreciated the male figure on more than one occasion, but I didn't think... I pretended that too. I pretended everything. "Do you know what that's like?" Heero's eyes met his then and they dug deep into him - so deeply Duo blushed with his exposure. "No," he admitted softly, feeling sorry for his friend. "I pretty much always knew. Sometimes I wished it was different, sometimes I worried it was because of what he did to me, but in the end, it's just a part of who I am." There was a long silence between them and they had both dropped their eyes, lost in their individual thoughts. But eventually Duo looked up at him, studying his profile against the city lights that leaked through his windows. "What... happened?" he asked gently. Heero sighed, seeming extremely uncomfortable. "You have to understand, I haven't let anyone this close to me... ever. I have been trying. You... you won me over and so I've been trying to be friends. I thought that was what I had to do..." Although Duo didn't understand what he was getting at, he listened patiently. And then those eyes turned up to meet his again. They seemed filled with fear and regret. "I work for the CIA. I'm an undercover operative. That's why I was so concerned about those pictures. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, I never intended to, but you have to understand, I just got off a four-year assignment. For four years I've acted a part, played a role, I..." he paused, obviously unhappy with confessing this to him. "I'm supposed to take this time off to rediscover who I am, normalize myself, so to speak. But I've never been normal..." "It's okay," Duo interjected. "No, it's not," Heero continued, shaking his head. "I was using you to get to where I need to be. I didn't expect any of this. But tonight..." His breath hitched and Duo worried he might start crying again. "Tonight, when you touched me..." It was just a little thing, Duo recalled. Maybe even a bit selfish on his part, as Heero's good looks were irresistible to him. He'd rested his hand on the small of his back for a moment while he showed him around the gallery. But Heero had stiffened up and Duo let his hand fall away, hoping he hadn't offended him. "I've never felt that way before," he breathed out all at once. Duo felt his eyes wide as saucers as he stared at the man he'd longed for over all these years, unwilling to believe he was really there, sitting on his bed, confessing his analogous desire. He turned back to Duo then, lifting his hand and warily, carefully, touching it ever so lightly against his cheek. Duo yearned to lean into the touch, press those gentle fingers closer to his skin, but he found himself immobilized by the fear that this was all just a hopeless conjecture of his mind. "I want you so badly," he whispered, the words barely audible against the pounding of Duo's heart. And without either initiating the action they were suddenly locked together in a fumbling, clumsy kiss of desperation and yearning, fighting to mesh themselves so tightly that they would never have to part again. Duo buried his fingers in Heero's hair, forcing his face against his, unwilling to let him escape even as their breathing came ragged and intermittent in the small seconds their lips would stray. He felt Heero's strong hands on his hips as he pulled him forward into his lap and Duo straddled him willingly, moaning loudly into his mouth as his wanton hips slipped snuggly against the other man's, fueling the heat between them. Heero's hands gripped his waist so tightly then he was sure he'd find bruises in the morning, but Duo couldn't think straight enough to care. Duo's hips bucked unwittingly against Heero and he felt every inch of the other man's erection stuffed uncomfortably in those suit pants. He found his hands wandering down Heero's neck and into his suit jacket, sliding across his sides and feeling how muscular he was, surprised at how ignorant he'd been of that fact. He pulled the shirt out and felt that hard stomach for himself, his desire rising such that he found himself shuddering and he had to break their kiss. Heero just moved his mouth down his face and into his neck, nipping at it and playing with the sensitive flesh there, doing nothing but making Duo's condition worse. "Fuck," he groaned out, gripping Heero's belt buckle shakily and fumbling to get it undone as Heero moved on to his ear. When he finally succeeded, it was Heero's turn to be forced to stop due to the overwhelming sensations he was feeling as Duo's nimble fingers stroked the length of his cock. "Better?" Duo teased, staring at the handsome man sitting on his bed with heavy, half-lidded eyes. Heero didn't answer, he just returned the stare and stood, lifting Duo up and throwing him down on the bed on his back. Duo was so surprised he found himself laughing as Heero settled on top of him, rubbing their hips together to purposefully leave Duo panting. "'Ro, I can't," he begged pitifully, knowing if Heero kept this intensity up he'd come against his will. Heero paused for a moment, staring down at him, and Duo's heart felt like it was doing flip-flops in his chest. "I've never done this before," he admitted quietly as they both took a moment to catch their breath. Duo figured Heero didn't want to give up enough control to be bottom on his first foray into the wonderful world of gay sex so he sat up, lifting Heero's chin and kissing him on the forehead. "It's okay," he comforted. "I'll help you." Heero sat back down on the bed, seeming a little forlorn and confused, as Duo stood and dropped his pants, throwing off his own suit jacket and digging in the nightstand for lube and a condom. He set them on the bed before he pushed Heero backwards, climbing on top of him and kissing him full on the mouth, refueling the fire between them. Heero still seemed nervous but Duo could tell it was doing nothing to lessen his desire and so he sat back on his legs, yanking down his pants a little further before slipping the condom on him and covering him in lube. Heero watched from his reclined position and Duo could tell he was studying his every action, making sure he would never be caught in this predicament again. It amused Duo and he took a few moments to relax himself before he sat up on his knees again, positioning himself over Heero. "Don't move," he warned him and he reached behind himself to steady his cock before he settled down upon it. They both groaned as Duo took him in, slowly, inch by painstaking inch. Heero thrashed his head, his hands balled into fists, clutching the sheets desperately, but he heeded Duo's warning and kept his hips still. When Duo finally accomplished the task he sat with his shoulders slumped, breathing deeply, whimpering at the feeling of Heero's dick throbbing inside him. And then he began to move. Heero's reaction was worth any pain he'd received and his lips curled as he watched the man writhe in pleasure. Pleasure Duo was giving him. Pleasure he may well have never felt before. He picked up one of Heero's hands, pouring lube haphazardly into it and placing it against his own aching erection. Heero immediately responded, stroking its length roughly, teasing him by speeding up and slowing down, clearly deriving amusement from Duo's guttural moans of conflicted gratification and agony. But quickly Heero was overrun by his own need for release and Duo could tell when he was through playing around. He felt his own orgasm build until he was overwhelmed and with a needy, lusty moan he tipped over the edge, slamming down on Heero's hips as he came. Heero bucked up against him, unable to move much as his muscles clenched around his cock, but he shoved up into him three more times before he came, dragging Duo down upon him and kissing him ardently, honestly, deliberately as his hips convulsed in satisfaction and finally came to a stop. Heero laughed for a moment, a sound more beautiful than Duo thought he'd ever heard before, his body trembling in his euphoria, as Duo planted kisses on his cheeks and chin and neck and shoulders. And he slipped off him carefully so that he could lie there against his chest, listening to his pounding heart and knowing in that moment what perfection was. Heero's eyes fluttered as slowly, painfully he regained consciousness. It had been a long time since he had slept that deeply and it perplexed him a moment until he realized he was unusually warm. Then the gentle sighing of Duo's breath registered and he recognized as he cracked his eyes open that he was still twisted around the other man, his head cradled in one of those strong, masculine arms, the other thrown over his waist. A lazy smile floated across his face before he even realized it and he slid a hand down the other man's torso, a little moan escaping Duo's lips. He supposed most people didn't find discovering their homosexuality comforting, but nothing could've made Heero happier. For the first time since his singular high school girlfriend, he was planning to sleep with the same person twice. But this time he would actually enjoyed it. In fact he smiled at his erection pushing against Duo's thigh, wanting to wake his newfound lover up just to verify his findings. Instead he let him sleep, his eyes tracing every inch of his face, carefully cementing every detail in his memory so that he would never forget this wonderful person to whom he owed so much. There was no need to be hasty. They had time. Heero would make sure they had time. The thought of work and Chang and the psych eval made his stomach churn anxiously so he resolved not to think about it. Right then he just wanted to live one day at a time, exploring Duo and the depths of his own heart, resolving that he simply wouldn't worry about work until Chang called him again in another month or so. This was good for him, he knew it. Duo helped him learn something about himself he could never have discovered on his own. Something that gave him an inner peace he'd never even realized he was missing. If this wasn't what this forced break was for then he wasn't sure what was. "Thank you," he whispered, lifting a hand to stroke the tendrils of Duo's silky hair away from his cheek with a gentle thumb. Duo leaned graciously into the touch. He was obviously coming to because the arm around Heero's waist was removed so that he could cup Heero's hand in his own, slipping his fingers slightly between them. Then Duo's eyes slid open and they seemed to be smiling at him when he got a glimpse of them as he turned his head so that their noses almost touched. "Morning," he mumbled sleepily, the arm pinned under Heero's head moving so that he could stroke his shoulder. The simple touch felt like fire and he physically ached for Duo. He'd foolishly never realized how much sexual attraction mattered - how overwhelming desire could be. A pang of guilt cut through him as he thought back on Relena and all their arguments, how devastated she must've been to know she didn't make him feel this way... Heero thumbed his chin as he stared into those endless eyes, leaning in to kiss him softly after a moment. Duo was smiling when they parted and he turned over onto his side. Heero's breath caught and his hips twitched forward as their hard cocks met clandestinely between them. "Good morning," Duo restated with a husky laugh, though Heero wasn't quite as amused. He'd never had so little control over his own body in his entire life. "Aw don't be sore," Duo teased. "I can't help the affect I have on unsuspecting men." Heero's frown deepened as he slipped his hands under the sheets, across Duo's strong form until they settled on his hips, and yanked him tight against his body, making him gasp in his own desire. "Fair's fair I suppose," he admitted when he regained composure and smirked, nuzzling his nose against Heero's before claiming his lips as his own, Duo's tongue flirting with Heero's, his fingers circling his nipples languidly. He didn't realize his hips were rocking until Duo's fingers traced the rippling muscles of his abs down to embrace his throbbing dick, stroking it and eliciting a deep groan from him. But he quickly collected himself and returned the favor, both of them fighting to bring the other to completion first. They kissed tenderly for several minutes, spent and sweaty under the heavy sheets. "Why don't you take a shower first?" Duo offered. "I'll clean up around here and be in in a minute." Heero was incredibly reluctant to leave the bed, afraid that once he did the spell would be broken and he would be miserable again, fighting himself and all his walls and reservations for a sliver of happiness. Seeming to sense his fear, Duo gripped one of his hands tightly in his own. "It's okay," he assured quietly. "I'll still be here." With all the strength he could muster he forced himself out and felt Duo rake appreciative eyes over his naked body. It made him feel vulnerable for a moment until he looked back and caught Duo's expression. He looked shy and unsure of himself, like he couldn't believe someone with Heero's physique would ever wake up in his bed. So he grinned a tiny, self-satisfied grin and walked back to the bathroom with his pride intact and buoyed. Duo slipped into the shower just as Heero was getting out and his breath caught in his throat when he saw that gorgeous unbound mass of chestnut hair cascading around his shoulders. He made a mental note to release the other man's hair the next time they slept together so that he could truly enjoy it. Duo warned him it would take a while to wash and dry as he shut the glass door to the shower. Kindly Duo had set a towel and a brand new toothbrush out for him and he used both. He wrapped the towel around his waist before walking back out to the living area, not exactly looking forward to getting back into his surely rumpled suit. But there he found sitting on the coffee table a plain black T-shirt and some jeans that were definitely bigger than Duo's size, even a little too big for him, and a black coffee with an unpeeled orange. How well Duo knew him for their short time together. He hated starting his day with carbs, although a package of bagels was sitting out, evidence of Duo's preferred breakfast. The tee he'd been offered was well worn and smelled like Duo and he found it comforting as he sipped his coffee, staring out across the city skyline thoughtfully. He wasn't sure how long they could make this work, or how long he would be able to stay there, but at least he knew this was all he wanted. This was surely perfection. After about thirty minutes Duo reappeared in nothing but a faded pair of jeans with a towel across his shoulders, his hair still somewhat damp. Heero took a moment to reaffirm his feelings about that handsome body. "Would you help me with this?" he asked carefully, indicating his hair. Heero didn't mind and certainly didn't want to hurt his feelings so he set down his nearly empty coffee mug and settled down on the clean sheets of the freshly made bed with him. Gently and systematically he ran a brush through his long hair, banishing any knots with delicacy. Duo seemed to purr under his ministrations and it gave Heero a warm feeling he'd never known. It was nice to do something kind for someone you cared about, he decided. It was an opportunity he'd never really had before, but one which he would definitely have to partake in more with Duo. Using his military knowledge he wove the hair into a tight plait, tying off the end with a proffered elastic band. When he was satisfied he bent down to place a kiss on Duo's bare shoulder, feeling goosebumps rise against his lips. Suddenly a wash of feelings came over him and he found himself wrapping his arms around Duo's chest, laying his head on his back, swallowing hard to keep his depressing thoughts at bay. Duo was more empathetic than that, however. He placed his own hands over Heero's and quietly asked what was wrong with fear in his voice, betraying his own worry that Heero would say that this was over. So he felt Duo's surprise when he asked instead, "Do you know why I was recruited by the CIA?" "Because you were the best damned soldier east of the Mississippi?" Duo offered, amusement ringing in his voice. "Maybe a little," Heero admitted, unable to squash his abundance of self-confidence in his abilities even considering the story he was about to divulge. "But no. I was deemed unfit for teamwork by my commanding officer." "Nooooo," Duo intoned, trying to keep the conversation light. "You were a pretty good team player last night." Heero snorted. "Unfortunately they were right. I didn't realize it until many years later, though." The memory of Hideaki telling him he was a liability, a lone wolf, that he couldn't be trusted played back through his mind. The fear that ran through then was still palpable in his veins. He was so sure he was going to die that Christmas night. "What happened?" Duo asked softly, squeezing his wrists. Heero sighed, appreciating the warmth of Duo's back. "I was on a specialized task force to take out a Taliban leader. There were eight of us. We infiltrated the stronghold and then shit hit the fan. They were expecting us, I guess. I managed to avoid the heavy fire because," he paused and in an exceptional show of emotion, tears sprang to his eyes, "because my teammates took the bullets for me. I took out the target at the expense of my team. Looking back I... I could've saved them." His throat constricted as tears rolled down his face and onto Duo's back. "I could've saved some of them if I would've just paused and taken a shot. But I was too selfish and single-minded. I viewed them as acceptable losses, I thought nothing was as important as the target. They let me live, and I let them die." His grip on Duo was impossibly tight, probably so tight he was having difficulty breathing, but he didn't flinch, he just let Heero hold him. If he was disgusted or scared or disappointed, he didn't let it show, and Heero appreciated it more than he would ever know. "And for what? What do I deserve? There is no one who loved me, no one I loved." His voice was little more than a choked sob at this point, but he couldn't stop himself. "I took away a child's father that day. Not the Taliban. I did that." Duo forced his arms off of him and turned to face him, wrapping him up in his warmth and cradling him against his chest. Heero could hear his heart beating over his pathetic, quiet sniveling. "My heart hurts," he muttered, a fist clenched tightly against his chest where his heart resided, pulsing pain through his body with every pump. "I've never felt like this, before, I... You make me feel all these things I've never felt. I've spent my whole life running from this and now..." "Now you have to embrace it," Duo murmured, stroking his cheek as he brought his face up to meet his eyes. "You have to live for those men, to make their sacrifice worthwhile." He kissed him, gently, lovingly. "I stand by what I said." He kissed him again. "You are a good man." And again. "But sometimes good men get lost." Heero let himself melt against those sweet lips, allowing himself to believe Duo's words for just a moment. Maybe he could be a good man. Maybe he could learn how to live. Maybe, with Duo's help, he could be happy. tbc... ~ * ~ |
