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"Hard to Say"Written By: ELLE Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam
Wing (unfortunately) and they were used without permission, but all
the words are my own. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: modern
day AU, cursing, light drug use, angst and feels, explicit sexual
situations, homophobia Pairings: 1x2x1,
past 1xR, current 4xR, Summary: Heero is a divorced dad with two kids and Duo is his younger fling that is quickly turning into something more despite his best effort to stop it. Author's Notes: I said I'd never write a fic like this and yet, here one is. The Duo in this fic is a bit of homage to a woman who made my life much easier than she had any obligation to when I was a child and who was taken from me by abject selfishness later in my life. That said, this isn't intended to be very autobiographical so don't read too much into that. In this fic I'm really focusing on the nature of different kinds of relationships and the effect of conversation and the things left unsaid so it's slower paced and perhaps a bit more subtle than some of my other work. I've debated intensely for over a year whether this was even worth finishing and posting so I'm not expecting this to be everyone's cup of tea. In fact it's currently unfinished because I'm struggling to complete the last chapter for a variety of stupid reasons. I'm hoping just posting this will give me the motivation I need to do so but we'll see.
"Hard to Say "
EIGHT Duo stared out the window as he pulled up to the house after a morning meeting with his advisor about his upcoming certification requirements. Solo was on the front porch and Heero was on the lawn, pruning back bushes with his sleeves rolled up. He parked next to Heero's car in the driveway and didn't try to hide his confused expression as he walked up the pathway to the front door. "Where's Helen?" he asked Solo, completely uncertain how he should even greet Heero, who just stared at him. In the end Duo opted to just ignore him completely in favor of the bigger mystery. "Inside, making lunch, I think," Solo offered and Duo frowned and walked in, ready to deal with this head on. But he did take note of her gardening equipment sitting abandoned on the porch. "Hi, Duo!" Helen called when she heard the door open and saw him approach. "What's going on?" he asked bluntly as he leaned against the counter, watching her stir iced tea. Helen shrugged. "Heero called the other day and talked to Solo. Apparently he offered to come help with the gardening. It was nice of him. He really knows what he's doing, gardening." "But, you -" Duo furrowed his brows, slid up next to her so that he could look her in the face. "Why would you agree to that? You don't even like him." She stopped what she was doing and looked at him then, right in the eyes. "Why do you think that?" Duo sighed and stuffed his hands in his pockets, staring at the ground, suddenly feeling stupid and embarrassed but he foolishly dedicated himself to following through. "Because you acted all weird around him when he was here last time and -" "Weird?" Helen interrupted, putting a hand on her hip. "- and you - well, yeah, you shook his hand, first of all - you never do that - and you were just like -" he blew out a frustrated breath that ruffled his bangs, "- weird. Uncomfortable. Like he would... You know, like, him being gay would -" "Duo," she stopped him, putting a hand on his arm and squeezing it a moment. "You have this all wrong." He glared down a bit petulantly from under his bangs, not wanting to hear some stupid excuse. He'd already gotten himself worked up and then forced himself to get over the fact that Heero would never be able to stop by, to pick him up unexpectedly, to just come over for dinner - even though that whole notion was a little bit beyond ridiculous - but still. He wasn't ready to accept he'd misconstrued Helen's signals. "You say this man isn't important to you, that you don't have a relationship with him, but you see him all the time. The way you talked about him when you first told me about him, the way you looked at him while he was here - I'm not stupid, sweetheart." She moved her hand to his cheek and smiled up at him. "You care about him a lot. And that made me nervous. I've never - you never brought home girlfriends or anything, I mean -" They shared an uncomfortable laugh and her hand fell back to the counter. "You know, like Solo did. I've just never had to deal with this from you before." "So you don't care that he's, you know, a guy?" Duo asked skeptically, though a tiny bit of hope threatened to undo him. "Well..." Helen hesitated and Duo sighed, immediately disappointed. "It is a little... different. But I'll get used to it." She picked back up the stir in the pitcher. "He's a nice guy." She paused once more to look back up at him. "And he clearly thinks the world of you." Duo felt himself blush faintly and he looked away before looking back again carefully, helplessly curious. "...how so?" Helen laughed and set the pitcher in the fridge. "He's not a particularly talkative guy - but all he wanted to talk about was you. How funny you are, how caring, how good you are with kids..." "What?" Duo practically choked, unable to even believe what she was saying as she pulled out chicken. The idea of Heero discussing him behind his back in those terms... "Not in so many words, but I knew what he meant." She turned and smiled at him over her shoulder and he gave a little smile back. "I'll get you boys when lunch is ready. Okay?" Duo nodded and felt remarkably childish as he wandered back out front, greeting Solo with a nod and staring shyly at Heero who sat back on his heels and looked up at him for a minute, their eyes meeting as he swiped at the sweat on his brow with the back of his arm. He had to admit, Heero looked remarkably hot like that, sweaty and so domestic. For a minute he imagined a world in which they could live together, that he could be working next to him, lick the sweat from his cheek, make out on their front lawn and go upstairs into their house, fall down on their bed - but no. It wasn't worth considering. "So..." he started, toeing the porch, unsure of whether he should just come out and ask Heero what he was doing there or not. "I thought we could go get you a suit before you went to work," Heero offered and Duo scratched at the back of his neck self-consciously. "You know, I do have a suit," he offered, feeling stupid and even more like a kid. Heero sighed and slumped his shoulders. "I doubt it's appropriate." Duo gapped as Solo started laughing. "What the hell does that mean?" "I just mean, you have a certain way of dressing that plays to your... assets... and -" "Are you saying - ?" Duo's brows narrowed dangerously but Heero didn't stop. "- and a bunch of lawyers are going to tear that apart." They stared at each other a minute, the tension so obvious that Solo reined in his laugh. "You're nervous about me being there," Duo stated, trying not to make it sound like an accusation. "I'm nervous about the whole thing," Heero admitted and Duo dropped his hands to his sides. "I'll put it on and you can judge?" Heero nodded his agreement to that plan and Duo went back into the house to change. Frankly, he thought he looked damn good in his grey pinstripe suit. Maybe it showed off his ass a bit but he certainly didn't think it was that problematic. But when he walked back out to the porch the look Heero gave him spoke volumes. Heero glanced quickly over at Solo, who merely shrugged, trying to repress an amused smile, before Heero coughed a little and spoke. "Honestly if we were anywhere else right now I'd peel you out of that in thirty seconds flat," he deadpanned but the heat in his eyes and Solo's raucous laughter caused Duo's face to burn with embarrassment and he looked down at himself uncertainly. "I can't help it that I look good in a suit!" he argued back, flustered and grabbing the ends of the jacket and yanking them down to smooth over his chest. "I'm sorry lil' bro' - it's pretty... tight," Solo offered, shaking his head, big grin on his face. "What?" He turned to glare at Solo for not taking his side. "It's fine," Heero answered, standing and brushing dirt from his knees. "I don't mind." "Maybe I mind," Duo argued back, not wanting Heero to spend even more money on him and certainly not wanting to get into this argument right in front of Solo. "Duo -" "We'll talk about it later," Duo stated matter-of-factly, turning and making his way back through the house to his room to change. But he heard Heero's footsteps behind him as he followed him into his room and shut the door, pinning him up against the dresser and kissing him full on the mouth. Duo melted against him despite himself, Heero's whole body hot from exertion, his lips salty from sweat and his skin smelling like sunlight and grass and Duo fought back a moan that threatened to come pouring desperately from his mouth into the kiss. And Heero's hands were doing just as he'd suggested they might a few minutes ago - sliding up under his jacket, peeling it off, grabbing his ass and sliding his hands up under his thighs, lifting him onto the dresser, hips colliding. "We can't," Duo whispered, fingers tangled in his shirt, feeling utterly too constricted in tight suit pants. "I know," Heero whispered back between flighty kisses. "But I can't -" "I know." And in that moment, Duo understood. He moved his hands through Heero's sweaty hair and held him close, buried Heero's head in his shoulder until their breathing returned to normal, and Duo understood more then than he ever had before that sex was an escape for Heero in just the same way that drugs had been an escape for him. When Heero blew him at his old apartment, after he'd made the decision to move home, it was the only thing Heero knew how to do, the only coping method he'd come up with and, consequently, Duo understood that he was an escape for Heero. He was Heero's pot, his vicodin, his alcohol - at least originally. Before Duo met his kids, before Heero developed feelings that lead to kissing in his ex-wife's den. He tucked thick, dark hair back behind Heero's ear and murmured against his temple. "I'll help - I'll make you feel better - just not here, not now." Heero sighed heavily into his neck, running his hands across his braid, down his back. "I'm sorry." "I don't need to be there, you know," Duo offered, stroking his neck. "If it would be easier for you, I'll just -" "No," Heero said, leaning back and looking him in the eye. "No, I want you there." He grabbed Duo's hand, pressed his knuckles to his lips, closed his eyes, and leaned his cheek into his palm. Duo stared in awe at the affectionate gesture, fingers trembling a little in his grasp. "Then I'll go," Duo said when he found his voice again, though it sounded weird to him and he tried to laugh it off as Heero opened his eyes, backing up a little. "Thank you." Heero's sincerity threatened to undo him. "Let me change, huh?" Duo asked, hesitant to get off the dresser pressed up against Heero the way that he was, knowing the friction of their hips would be too much. "Since everyone decided this suit was inappropriate." Heero looked like he felt guilty about that but Duo just grinned, not feeling quite as sensitive without the combined judgment of his brother. "Just let me pay you back for it, okay?" Heero frowned but Duo pushed him away and hopped off the dresser, turning his back as he unbuttoned his shirt. "You don't have to," Heero argued and Duo rolled his eyes, though Heero couldn't see it. "I know." Duo looked over his shoulder pointedly, eyes shooting to the door. "Now get out so I can change." He watched Heero's back in the mirror as he disappeared, shutting the door behind him, and Duo exhaled hard, leaning against the dresser. He had known it for a while, known it ever since the week Heero had stopped talking to him and he thought he wouldn't make it another day without seeing him, known it since he felt the burning ache in his ribs when he knew he just didn't want to lose him - but now it was right there, in his face. This was way the fuck bigger than sex now. Somehow, without really meaning to, they were in deep - deeper than he intended, deeper than he realized. He wasn't just a comfort to Heero, a meaningless body - he was someone Heero depended on to help him through the emotional disaster that was going to be this custody evaluation. It wasn't just him finding misplaced comfort in going to Heero's house, in Heero providing a home for him, in Heero unintentionally becoming the support system he needed. This was Heero needing him, too. "Fuck," he muttered, avoiding his own eyes in the mirror. Was this love? It was like nothing he ever felt before - the way his heart pounded in his chest when Heero showed him tenderness, the way it felt good to share things with Heero, to be a part of his family, the way he didn't even care if things were never going to be perfect or 'normal' for them, as long as Heero didn't give up on him and they could still be together. But there was a reason he had guarded his heart from Heero in the beginning, a reason he didn't want to be in this deep. Because Heero had given up on him - just like he'd lied to Relena and didn't consult her about the vasectomy, he had lied to Duo and let him believe he didn't care so that he could protect himself from an altercation. And though Duo wanted him in every way, he knew that was impossible, and that he had to decide if not having parts of Heero was something he could accept. With a certain amount of distance carefully put in place around his heart he left his room and was glad that Helen was already trying to round up Heero and Solo in preparation for lunch. Solo didn't say anything, his eyes still sparkling with amusement from earlier, as Heero cleaned himself up in the bathroom. Duo tried to shut him down with a glare and a quick shake of his head but Solo's grin only widened and so Duo frowned and gave up. Thankfully Solo thought better than to add any embarrassing commentary to lunch and it went by quickly and easily - verging on almost being... comfortable. And while that should've maybe been a comfort to Duo, all he could feel was that everything was too close, that nothing was what he expected and anything could happen and - And he watched as if in slow motion as Helen and Solo laughed at some comment Heero made, Heero looking down into his plate with a small smile on his lips, and his chest hurt as Heero's eyes turned towards him, deep blue eyes landing on his for a moment that felt like eternity and he couldn't breathe. This wasn't right. His family was supposed to be persecuting him, not laughing with him. He was supposed to be fucking him, not be fucking in love with him. This is what he wanted, but now that it was happening, it felt surreal. It felt like everything was going to fall apart if he let himself believe and - And he'd be devastated in the fall out. As badly as it hurt to be alone, it was going to hurt so much more when he was abandoned again because this - this was everything he'd ever wanted. Family, love, acceptance, and somewhere to belong and now what was he supposed to do? Give his whole heart, trust that things would be okay when Heero had hurt him before and Solo was dying right next to him? Things could never be 'okay' and this false sense of security, this house of cards was way, way worse, Duo realized, than guarding himself with continual disappointment. "Are you okay?" Heero asked and Duo realized they were sitting outside a shopping complex and was taken aback, barely remembering getting into the car and certainly not recalling any of the ride there. "I -" But no words came out as he stared at his hands, unable to look Heero in the eye, remembering then how he looked at him over lunch, like he was happy, and it was disturbing because he realized he'd never seen Heero happy before, not like that, not even after orgasm, and he knew that look. That same look from the albums at his ex's house, the look he gave his children when he didn't know the camera was being snapped and now Duo realized just how much responsibility came with that look and he - he didn't know what to say. "You've been unusually quiet," Heero continued innocently enough while Duo felt a rising sense of panic. "I thought lunch went well." "What were you doing there?" Duo asked then, turning to look at him, wanting to see Heero's expression as he answered, wanting to see if he would shut down like he normally did. He suddenly understood more clearly than before the boundaries he had broken when he'd shown up at Heero's house uninvited with pizza and movies all those weeks ago. And now as a direct result of those actions, his own boundaries had eroded right in front of his eyes and he'd foolishly been so blinded by optimism that he forgot why they were even there. "I thought you would like it," Heero answered and Duo stared like he'd gone mad. "Since when do you care about things like that?" Sure Heero did things that might be indicative of caring - always saved him dinner, replaced his toiletries at his house, offered him a place to stay - but those were just things to keep their relationship harmonious. Heero had never said it before, not like that, not so direct. What Duo might like wasn't anything that had mattered before - at least not outside the bedroom. Heero sighed and gripped the steering wheel, flexing it in his hands, looking like he might be happier pacing than stuck in a seat. "For most of my life, I thought maintaining absolute control would make me happy," Heero started, obviously not really wanting to be having this conversation but then, neither did Duo, so he understood. It would've been much easier if Heero had just pulled around the back and Duo sucked him off and really, he realized, that was most of their relationship and Heero was taking a leap here and if this was what he wanted, Duo knew he was going to have to reach back for him. "My mother was an installation artist, my father a salesman, and we traveled the country, mostly going wherever my mother had work. They'd attend elaborate parties, leaving me with a nanny in some hotel or some furnished apartment and I thought their whole life was a party. I guess most kids would like that." Heero paused and his eyes looked lost in some memory as he thumbed the leather of the steering wheel and Duo waited patiently until Heero began again. "But I didn't like it. I thought it was irresponsible. I wondered why they even had me. I was lonely and miserable and I swore I would never be like them. "So when I met Relena our sophomore year, her infatuation with me caught me off guard. I'd never had a friend, much less a relationship, and I never considered things like my sexuality or - whatever." His fingers gripped the steering wheel so tight then his knuckles were white. "I thought getting married and having a stable job, a family, doing everything my parents didn't would make me happy. She wanted the same things and she was obviously happy I did too. I thought..." Heero paused again, tried to loosen his grip but failed. "I thought I just didn't understand how to be happy. I thought I would figure it out in time. And really, Thomas, Olivia, they did make me happy, I don't regret them. It was just -" the fingers of one hand flourished upwards "- everything else." Duo waited for the point as Heero caught his breath and gathered his thoughts, having not heard such a confession from him since the ferris wheel. And strangely he found it helped to hear this now, to understand Heero's past and why he was so guarded, to know that he wasn't alone with the way his childhood colored his thinking, how frustrating it can be not to be able to see eye to eye with your parents, how hard it could be to forge your own path separately from theirs. Maybe Heero didn't fall into a spiral of drugs, but he built himself up just as effective a lie and swallowed it down so that he could sleep at night and that, at least, Duo understood. "But recently, after I met you and you - you made me feel like this," he suffered out, looking like he wanted to lay his head in the steering wheel and maybe bury it there forever, "I decided to try to live by my emotions, for once. Not what I thought I should do, what statistically would have the best outcome, what I - just..." He sighed heavily then looked over at Duo for the first time since he'd begun his soliloquy and Duo saw that he was scared, then, that this was foreign to him and he was nervous and hesitant and afraid, too, and Duo smiled weakly back. Maybe they didn't mean to be, or even want to be, but maybe they really were, in their own fucked up way, perfect for each other. "I just want to make you feel the way you make me feel," he said then in a breathless rush and the look on his face, so anxious, so worried, combined with the words he obviously meant even if he didn't know exactly how to say them or what they implied, had Duo pulling him forward into a kiss, wrapping his arms around his neck, giving him an outlet and a means of expression he was more comfortable with. And Heero melted into the kiss, clearly relieved, bringing a hand up to cradle the back of Duo's head. But it was only a moment before Duo was moving his lips away, keeping their foreheads pressed together, wanting to feel Heero close to him like that, wanting to know there was only an inch between their lips so that he only had to move forward slightly to kiss everything away. "I'm not mad, I..." he whispered, trying to keep his voice from wavering. "You said once this would inevitably fall apart and I - I don't want that. I - I care about you too much." He had hesitated on the words and once they were out of his mouth he pressed back into a kiss, hoping it would be a distraction from the confession, that Heero would forgive him if he didn't feel the same way because he didn't know if he could bear hearing otherwise when the word 'care' was a poor substitute for the word he knew he probably meant. But Heero drew back then just slightly. "Don't listen to me," he muttered, "I'm such a fucking pessimist." Duo couldn't help but smile against Heero's lips as they reconnected, chuckling in the back of his throat, surprised by how much better he felt now, realizing he was being a 'fucking pessimist' as well and yeah, it was one thing to have doubts - Heero clearly hadn't given them a snowball's chance in hell. But he had to try not to let those doubts have full control of his life. It was too late for caution anyway - no matter what he did he was bound to have his heart broken. They took a moment to compose themselves before Heero lead him to what was apparently his favorite suit shop. Duo didn't know that was something people had but Heero and the sales guy knew each other on a first name basis. They explained to Duo how to fit a suit to his body, about cut and style, what was appropriate for what event and what season and he began to understand that some people really cared about this shit and that Heero wasn't wrong, he could've really made an embarrassment of himself without even realizing it. Plus, he had to admit, he looked pretty good in well fitted suit, even despite the fact that it still needed a few alterations for a perfect fit. "I guess you were right," Duo admitted with a bit of chagrin when they left, looking up at Heero from beneath his bangs but Heero just dismissed it, not making him feel any more like a kid by comparison than he already did. The ride back to Helen's was equally quiet but then Duo wasn't as distracted. Instead, he smiled a little at Heero and ran his fingers through his hair, Heero leaning into the touch just slightly. "Duo?" Heero called as he was getting out of the car and he leaned back down into the car, braid falling across his shoulder, noting the way Heero's eyes were pinned to the windshield. "Yeah?" "You'll come by tonight...?" There was hesitance in his voice and Duo's brows narrowed, unsure why Heero would suddenly doubt that. "Of course." Heero's features visibly relaxed then before he left. And Duo did go to his place after work, eating the dinner Heero had saved for him, stripping out of his skin tight clothes, falling into Heero's bed, body, and arms. As he lay on Heero's chest, smelling faintly of sweat and cologne, fingers splayed across his stomach and the soft hair there, listening to his heart beating, he knew, with the sickening lurch of reality settling deep in his gut - he was completely, hopelessly, honestly in love. ~ * ~ Chapter 9 |
