|
"Hard to Say"Written By: ELLE Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam
Wing (unfortunately) and they were used without permission, but all
the words are my own. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: modern
day AU, cursing, light drug use, angst and feels, explicit sexual
situations, homophobia Pairings: 1x2x1,
past 1xR, current 4xR, Summary: Heero is a divorced dad with two kids and Duo is his younger fling that is quickly turning into something more despite his best effort to stop it. Author's Notes: I said I'd never write a fic like this and yet, here one is. The Duo in this fic is a bit of homage to a woman who made my life much easier than she had any obligation to when I was a child and who was taken from me by abject selfishness later in my life. That said, this isn't intended to be very autobiographical so don't read too much into that. In this fic I'm really focusing on the nature of different kinds of relationships and the effect of conversation and the things left unsaid so it's slower paced and perhaps a bit more subtle than some of my other work. I've debated intensely for over a year whether this was even worth finishing and posting so I'm not expecting this to be everyone's cup of tea. In fact it's currently unfinished because I'm struggling to complete the last chapter for a variety of stupid reasons. I'm hoping just posting this will give me the motivation I need to do so but we'll see.
"Hard to Say "
SEVEN The folksy music from the band had drifted through the whole art walk but now they were facing the stage, blankets laid out across the grassy park, Olivia leaning heavily against her father's shoulder, hair fashioned in a plait that made Duo smile every time he saw it. Although, to be honest, the whole day made him smile. They had decided together that they weren't going to change anything about their relationship to appease Relena. Whether Heero wanted to believe it or not, Duo was pretty sure her end game wasn't to take his kids from him, but simply to break them up and make Heero miserable. Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned, or so Helen always said. But Relena did change things between them now, intentionally or not. Heero was different. His hands held on a little tighter, he laid a little closer, reached out a little more. Duo relished in the attention that week but still couldn't help but be a nervous that it would all fall out from under him. After all, Heero was perfectly willing to cut him out of his life completely without a word if that was what it took. Had Solo not convinced him to show up at his house, they certainly wouldn't be here together right now. He knew that despite everything, despite Heero's feelings and the fact he divorced her, she still held all the cards. She could still manipulate him. "Are you hungry?" Heero asked, shifting Olivia's bangs from her face and she nodded. It was getting dark, the late summer sun setting slowly, and they had spent the day wandering through art booths and exhibits and Duo knew she had to be tired. Heero looked up and their eyes met and Duo smiled. "Thomas and I will go get us something," Duo offered and Thomas nodded in quick agreement. Heero pulled out his wallet and Duo tried to decline but he handed him forty bucks anyway with a look on his face that stated there would be no argument. As he pressed the bills into his hand, Duo let his fingers brush his palm, the closest to a real thank you he could offer. Despite his alimony, the mortgage for a house he didn't even want, he never allowed Duo to pay for anything anymore, knowing that all of his money went to his family. "Well?" Duo turned to Thomas and they wandered back through the booths together in search of food. "Duo?" Thomas said after a minute and Duo turned and smiled down at him, raising his eyebrows. He seemed nervous and Duo couldn't figure out why. He thought they were having a pretty nice time of it, but then Thomas had been a little more reserved than normal. "Yeah?" "I'm sorry that mom and dad fighting made you leave my party." Duo stared for a minute and stopped, grabbing Thomas' sleeve and pulling him off to the side. Maybe he hated all the stupid church bullshit he had to go through as a kid, but it did teach him a lot about dealing with children, and he crouched down to eye-level with Thomas. "Hey, it's not like that, okay?" Duo told him sincerely, not really knowing what to say but not wanting him to feel guilty over things he couldn't possibly understand. "But they fight all the time," he argued, puffing out his cheeks in frustration, clenching his fists, and Duo frowned. "They loved each other once, right? I mean, I don't understand why they still have to fight so much." Duo didn't know what to say. He honestly wasn't sure that Heero ever loved her but clearly that wasn't the kind of thing you said to a kid who was obviously still struggling with his parents' divorce. "Look, man, it's like this," he started, smacking Thomas lightly on the shoulder with the back of his hand, trying to create a level of camaraderie between them. "Adults are pretty stupid most of the time. They like to make you think they're smarter, that they've got their sh - stuff together better than everyone else, but they don't. You get me?" Thomas nodded solemnly as Duo stared into his eyes. "What your mom and dad are going through, with each other, it's gonna take a long, long time for them to figure it out. But that's not your fault, or my fault, or anyone else's, okay?" Thomas looked unsure and Duo gripped his shoulder. "I'm serious. Your dad loves you, okay? No matter what. And that's what matters." Duo smiled then and laughed a little as he stood. "Trust me. I made my dad so mad he didn't talk to me for two years and he still loves me." Duo didn't intend to say that, he didn't even know if he believed that, but he knew in that moment that it was true. That Ben might not agree with his "lifestyle," or ever accept his partners or the fact that he was gay, but he still loved him and maybe, just maybe, that was part of the problem. Because loving someone wasn't easy - the things they did, the things they wanted affected you personally, even when they shouldn't, and he realized that now. He chuckled as they started walking again, shaking his head. He really felt like an adult then. "What did you do?" Thomas asked and Duo looked down at him. "Huh?" "What did you do that made your dad stop talking to you?" "Oh." Duo grimaced as he realized his mistake. "It's kinda like your mom and dad, really, I guess. I made a decision my dad didn't like. Your dad made a decision your mom didn't like. Sometimes, when you love someone, the decisions they make can hurt you." "Why?" Thomas' confusion was endearing and Duo laughed, clapping him on the back a little too hard so that he stumbled forward a bit and laughed too. "I don't know," he answered honestly. "It's pretty stupid really. But I told ya, adults are pretty stupid." "You're not stupid," Thomas replied and Duo shook his head. "Oh yeah," Duo grinned, "I'm pretty damn dumb." Immediately he realized what he said, eyes widening. "Shit! I mean - ! Don't tell your dad I said that, okay?" He looked down at Thomas who was grinning now too and shaking his head. "I won't." "Good kid," Duo winked and shoved his hands in his pocket, feeling successful as they rounded the corner on the food carts. "Hey - think your dad would like a gyro?" They decided on food and brought their bounty back to Heero and Olivia, who cheered up instantly upon their return. Thomas was in a better mood too and they chatted amiably about school and their friends and the art exhibits they saw while listening to the local band on stage, waiting for dusk to fall and the last fireworks of the year to start. Duo let his fingers creep over to Heero's while the kids watched in awe as colors lit the sky and he brushed their fingertips together, smiling without even looking at Heero, just knowing that this moment was a good moment and that they made the right decision. Heero's fingertips brushed back, lacing between them and squeezing. Carefully he glanced at Heero out of the corner of his eye, face illuminated by colored light, and noted the tiny little curl of his lips. Yeah. This was good. And he thought, maybe, they could make this work. Then their fingers separated and the moment was over but the warm feeling stayed with him even as they packed up the blankets and made their way back to the car. Heero drew him a few steps back, watching as the kids walked on ahead, and Duo tilted his head, curious. "I'm sorry that you can't..." Heero started awkwardly and then trailed off. "Nah man," Duo threw his shoulder into Heero playfully and Heero's brows furrowed in confusion. "I don't want to anyway. Wanna go home and see my brother." Duo wasn't sure what he said but Heero's mouth set into a thin line and despite the curious look Duo threw in his direction, he wasn't divulging what was on his mind. "I'd want to, you know, but don't feel bad about it. It's gotta be this way." Heero looked resigned for a minute before looking over at him, lips parted a bit, subconsciously, and Duo smirked. He knew all Heero's cues. Knew he wanted to kiss him. Knew he was probably half hard right at that moment and all it would take was a few strokes, a little grinding, a deep kiss and... shit. He stopped himself thinking about what was impossible for them right now and instead, Duo bit down on his bottom lip purposefully in response, played up big, needy eyes and Heero glared. Duo ran his fingers down his throat, across the soft, cotton t-shirt on his own chest towards a nipple and Heero reached out and forcibly shoved him. Duo just laughed, used the momentum to pick up Olivia, who had turned around with her brother to see what Duo was laughing about, and throw her over his shoulder, parting through people with hurried apologies as he rushed forward like he was back in a high school game and she squealed her amusement. As Heero had picked him up, he dropped Duo off at his house and Duo left the family he was beginning to think of much too comfortably as his own with a wave before slipping quietly through the door. It wasn't that late, but he expected Helen and Ben to be in bed. He was wrong though and his adoptive father stood in the kitchen, appraising him over the rim of a glass of milk. Duo stopped, stared at him a minute, and smiled. They rarely saw each other, even during the week, but then a pastor's work was never done and honestly he didn't see much of him growing up, either. Now Ben had a second job on top of that so it was understandable but they had a moment together and Duo thought of what he told Thomas and yeah, he smiled. "Everything okay?" Ben asked as Duo approached, setting down his glass, and Duo didn't reply, just wrapped him in an unexpected hug. "Yeah," he said over Ben's shoulder, feeling Ben's hand come up to pat his back, a little uncomfortable but still, better than Duo would've expected before tonight. "Everything's okay." Duo released him and stepped back, a little embarrassed but glad that he'd done it. "Think Solo is still up?" Ben glanced at the clock over the stove and as he made to put his glass in the dishwasher. "He has a hard time sleeping at night on off weeks." Duo nodded and turned to walk down the hall but Ben called him back by his name and he turned to look over his shoulder. "Thanks for the check yesterday," Ben offered quietly. "It really does make a difference." Duo just shook his head. "We're family." He paused, smirked. "Wasn't there a line in Timothy about that, providing for one's family?" "But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever," Ben answered, words solemn. And at the risk of incurring Ben's wrath once again, he joked with a wink, "maybe there's still hope for me yet," before turning and walking down to Solo's door. He tapped lightly against the wood, hoping that if Solo was asleep he wouldn't wake him. But only a moment later he heard a muffled "yeah?" and Duo opened the door slowly. "You still up?" Duo asked as he entered, though the answer was obvious. "Can't sleep," Solo muttered as he turned his head in Duo's direction and Duo crossed the room to sit down on the bed. "You're in late for a night with the kids." Duo shrugged. "Yeah, went to that art in the park thing, you know, fireworks and all that shit," he explained and Solo nodded, throwing an arm behind his head to position himself more comfortably. "You like that?" Solo asked, eyes searching Duo's. "The older guy? The kids?" Duo sighed and stared at the bedsheet, seeming the same as it always was, Solo's room done up more in the fashion he'd had it in high school now that he moved back in on a permanent basis. Gone were the frilly guest sheets, replaced by masculine blue plaid. "Yeah, you know, I kinda do," Duo replied, a little embarrassed. "I've been... Well, you know. He's got his problems, but fuck... It's nice to be with someone who's got his shit straight, too. Kinda inspires me." Duo felt guilty as his eyes trailed back up to meet Solo's, though Solo didn't seem to mind, just nodded thoughtfully. But Solo never seemed to mind. He took everything life dealt him so easy, no matter how shitty. Duo kicked off his shoes then and lay down on the bed next to Solo, who chuckled and scooted over more to make space for him. "What is this, a full?" Duo asked, a little tease in his tone. "I think I got a queen in there, shoulda taken that room when you came back." "Nah," Solo replied dismissively. "That'll always be your room." Duo frowned and looked at his brother, the way moonlight illuminated his profile, and he thought of how different he looked compared to Heero - Solo all blonde Americana and easy going playboy while Heero was dark and mysterious and shut down. And he thought of how really, it wasn't Heero who was his rock - it was Solo. And maybe that's why he had avoided him for so long because the ache in his chest was proof enough of how difficult it was to watch your rock crumble. "Remember when you decked that kid on the football team for calling me a fag junior year?" Duo asked, thinking of all the times Solo came through for him growing up, and Solo laughed a little in the back of his throat. "Yeah, and I couldn't play that Friday -" Solo started. "- and the team was pissed -" Duo finished over him. "- Dad was pissed," Solo corrected with a wide smile. "I'm sorry you took the fall for that," Duo apologized, staring at the plaster patterns on the ceiling. "I don't think I ever said it." "Idiot had it coming." Duo felt Solo's shoulders move in a shrug against him. "Besides, you're my little brother. I'd beat the shit outta anyone for you." Silence fell between them as Duo considered the words, knew they were true. Solo was always there for him - always. Ever since he walked through the front door and into Solo's life. It took coming home to realize it, but he wasn't alone the way he thought he was when he'd made the decision to move back. He'd just assumed the way he'd always had that his family had no interest in helping him. But Solo, at least, would be there to help - he just couldn't, now. Couldn't help Duo get through the experience of watching him suffer so unjustly. "It's not fair, really," Duo said after a moment. "I'm the fuck up. You shouldn't be dealing with this shit. I should be." He felt Solo tense next to him. "No," Solo countered. "You're not a fuck up." Duo rolled his eyes and blew out a disgruntled noise. "You don't know the half of it. I was fucked out of my mind for four years." Vague memories of eating pasta out of cans and mixed drinks and prescription drugs and money exchanged for sex and a shitty section 8 apartment he crashed at with a boyfriend that beat him down emotionally crowded him until he felt like he couldn't breathe. And then Solo said something completely unexpected. "It's my fault." Duo turned his head to stare in confusion at the quiet words. "What? How?" he argued, voice tight, not wanting to drag up this memory but unable to stop it now that it'd begun. "I made you smoke that first time." The little sound of despair Solo made caused Duo's chest to constrict and he turned over on his side to face his brother, taking his face in his hands and forcing him to meet his eyes. "No, man, just - no," he said directly, staring into his familiar blue eyes in the dark. "I would've found a way to get fucked up regardless. You're the only person who would've come for me. I - I don't know where I'd be without you." He remembered his fingers fumbling over the phone, unsure if he should even bother but not knowing who else to call. He was disoriented, drugged, woke up in vomit covered sheets with his pants around his ankles and his whole body hurt and he had no idea where he was or who he even came with since he was pretty sure he was on the out again with his boyfriend but he knew in that moment that he didn't want to be there any more. And he didn't want to be that person any more. For the first time in a long time he realized, thumb hovered over the dial button, tears blurring Solo's name on the phone's screen, he didn't feel good. This didn't feel good. All he wanted was to escape - and for once, not into the bottom of another bottle of liquor or vicodin. And even though it was two in the morning and even though he hadn't talked to Solo in nearly a year and even though he didn't expect it at all - Solo answered. Solo figured out where he was, picked him up, brought him home to his nice, clean apartment and his pissed off girlfriend. Fed him aspirin and black decaf. Stripped him down to his boxers and sat him in the tub, washing vomit out of his hair under the shower spray as Duo lay his head on his knees and cried. He curled up against Solo's side then, wrapping his arm around Solo's torso and pulling him close, smelling his skin and trying not to cry now as he imagined what his life would've been like without him - what his life would be like without him if the chemo didn't work and he... "You had it all and I - I just wanted to be like you," he bit his lip and Solo threw an arm around his neck, holding him back. Duo remembered crashing on Solo's fold out couch for days, the blonde bombshell of a girlfriend who ended up leaving him when he got too sick to work rolling her eyes, and Duo couldn't even blame her. He knew he was a worthless piece of trash, but Solo didn't care, called out of work for a few days, made him stay, wouldn't let him slink back to his so-called friends and their damaged forms of therapy. "But you're so much better when you're you," Solo answered, amusement in his voice, and Duo repressed a sob, unable to understand how Solo could be so stupidly optimistic when he was literally dying. "I don't know what I'll do without you." His voice cracked as he clung to his brother's failing body, wishing he could make things different, wishing he could take it all away for him. Being left by those that he loved... It was something that only Solo understood, only Solo really got why he took it so hard. It was surely the reason Solo would always pick up his phone and come for him, no matter where he was or how fucked up he was. But he couldn't very well tell Solo not to abandon him now. Because if it was his choice, Duo knew - Solo never would. "Well, you're not going to go back to that, okay?" Solo demanded and Duo nodded his head against his ribcage, sniffling. "And it's not that bad, I'm not giving up, so just stop it - 'cause you're making me depressed you little asshole." "I'm sorry," Duo apologized weakly, wanting so much more. Wanting to stop thinking of him as perishable. Wanting to stay like this forever, feeling his chest rise and fall against his cheek, under his arm, body warm and breathing and very much alive. Wanting to tell him how much he loved him. But he didn't say it, couldn't get his mouth to form the words he held so close to his chest, words Solo knew even if Duo could never express them. Instead, he said something completely different. "Do you remember when we were kids and you used to sing rock-a-bye baby to me on the looping starship?" Solo laughed and Duo smiled at the sound, the reverberation of Solo's chest under his ear, blinking away his tears. "Yeah, and you used to get so fucking pissed, you'd blush and try to stomp my feet but you couldn't reach." "Yeah, not until I hit that growth spurt and then I got you back plenty...!" "Oh we're not gonna go there," Solo replied and they shared funny memories long into the night until Duo fell asleep next to him, abs sore from laughter. ~ * ~ |
