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"Hard to Say"Written By: ELLE Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam
Wing (unfortunately) and they were used without permission, but all
the words are my own. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: modern
day AU, cursing, light drug use, angst and feels, explicit sexual
situations, homophobia Pairings: 1x2x1,
past 1xR, current 4xR, Summary: Heero is a divorced dad with two kids and Duo is his younger fling that is quickly turning into something more despite his best effort to stop it. Author's Notes: I said I'd never write a fic like this and yet, here one is. The Duo in this fic is a bit of homage to a woman who made my life much easier than she had any obligation to when I was a child and who was taken from me by abject selfishness later in my life. That said, this isn't intended to be very autobiographical so don't read too much into that. In this fic I'm really focusing on the nature of different kinds of relationships and the effect of conversation and the things left unsaid so it's slower paced and perhaps a bit more subtle than some of my other work. I've debated intensely for over a year whether this was even worth finishing and posting so I'm not expecting this to be everyone's cup of tea. In fact it's currently unfinished because I'm struggling to complete the last chapter for a variety of stupid reasons. I'm hoping just posting this will give me the motivation I need to do so but we'll see.
"Hard to Say "
SIX Duo lay his head against the steering wheel a minute, piecing himself together before he walked into the house. It was late, or early really, depending on your perspective - three in the morning - and he felt like falling apart. But there was no where he could go and nothing he could do. He had to keep it together. He managed to make it inside only to notice Solo's door cracked open a few inches and he eased it open the rest of the way to see his brother wasn't in the room and worry seized him immediately. He listened carefully, the whole place quite, before he padded his way to the patio out back. Relief flooded through him when he caught sight of him laying back in a chair, smoking and staring across the lawn at nothing. He slid open the door to join his brother, actually selfishly pleased that he was up too. The smell of marijuana hit him then and he laughed lightly, getting Solo's attention. "Just like the good old days," he said, ruffling a hand through his sandy hair as he passed and took a seat next to him, remembering fondly how they would get lit in their old tree house only feet away, the structure barely supporting their weight in their teens. "Yeah except I've been throwing up radioactive shit for hours," Solo offered with a sick grin and Duo frowned, unamused by his making light of the situation. "Come on now," Duo sighed. "I get enough of guys puking their guts out at the bar." Solo coughed out a dry laugh and offered him the blunt. Duo accepted and stared a moment at the glowing paper between his fingers. It had been nearly three years now since he had a hit. He drew in deep and let the feeling wash over him a minute, missing it more than he'd missed past lovers, passing it back to Solo quickly so that he wouldn't be tempted to smoke the whole thing. "Hey - what are you even doing here man?" Solo asked as he took another hit. "What do you mean? I live here now, remember? Or have you been smoking too much of that?" Duo joked, bypassing the question. "Nah, I mean, that guy you're fucking - usually you're over at his place, right? But you've been here all week." "He's fucking me," Duo replied, once again avoiding the question. "Or he was fucking me. I don't fucking know. But I wasn't fucking him, you know, technically." "Shit." Solo's eyes were wide in the dim lighting. "Talk about too much damn information. I don't need to think about my little brother getting fucked." "Then don't think about it," Duo offered with a shrug, turning his eyes to the stars. Silence fell between them for a few minutes as Solo quietly smoked. Honestly Duo didn't know what happened. Heero was so distant when he came back to pick him up after a few hours. They just took the kids back to his place and then Duo left, unsure what else he should do. And then he never heard from him again. Duo didn't want to seem like a needy kid, and he sent a few texts, tried a few calls, but each attempt was completely ignored. He didn't know what else to do but wait and see if Heero would reach out to him. But now it had been an entire week and he'd heard nothing. Duo wasn't stupid. He knew what the end looked like and the pain in his chest was unbearable. He'd never meant to get so attached. He knew this was coming right from the very start and yet still... All he could think about were those last words Heero said to him. There was never a point where I felt about her the way I feel about you right now. But he'd married her. And then things got all fucked up and now it didn't matter how Heero felt - things like love were totally ruined for him. Duo reached for the blunt to take another hit, unable to bear the sorrow welling up inside of him without something to cut off the pain. And pot was just too easy. Just like it was every time shit went wrong in his life. His fingers trembled as he pressed the paper between his lips and drew in but he ignored it. He could hold himself together better than this. His brother was fucking dying right next to him and he was getting depressed about a dude who told him right up front he'd just wanted to fuck around dropping him like a bad habit? Fuck. "You remember when mom used to make us volunteer in the damn kid's room at church?" Solo asked suddenly as he took back the joint, letting smoke curl out from his nose and lips after holding it in as long as possible. Duo nodded, not real sure why he brought that up. But he didn't really have time to contemplate it as Solo was tucking his head between his knees and taking labored breaths and Duo stared, scared, putting an uncertain hand on his shoulder. "You okay?" "Fuck," Solo muttered, body shaking and Duo gripped his shirt tightly, unsure if he should wake up Helen and Ben or not. Duo watched him heave a little, then swallow, then spit on the concrete, smearing the mark with the heel of his slipper as he sat back up slowly. "Are you okay?" Duo repeated, letting his hand fall as Solo sucked on the joint, appearing to return to normal. "This fucking nausea kills," he muttered, looking away in embarrassment and guilt wracked Duo, following in the footsteps of pity. Then Solo turned his eyes back towards him, pinning him with one of the most serious looks he'd ever seen Solo give anyone. "Just promise me if I start loosing my hair or whatever you won't do anything as dumb fuck as shave your goddamn head." Duo bit his tongue and nodded his head, swiping a finger across his heart the way they used to when they were kids. "But that stupid fucking nursery. God I hated that shit," he continued and Duo chuckled a little at his ability to switch topics. Duo didn't really have any fond memories of the place himself. Screaming babies, being bossed around by teenage girls, diapers... Nothing he really ever wanted to re-experience. "Me too," Duo agreed, anxious for another hit as he watched Solo smoke but trying to let the feeling go while he still could. "Sometimes, you know, I think mom was just trying to get us to like kids or something, like, so we'd have our own or whatever." His eyes got distant and his fingers curled around the roach from an alternate angle to make the last bit easier to smoke. Duo didn't know what to say. Solo blew smoke in a narrow line out his lips, leg bouncing a little in a nervous tic. "Sometimes it really fucks me up to know she'll never have grandkids." "Fuck, Solo, shit," Duo sputtered, completely shocked by the blunt statement of his mortality. "Don't say shit like that. Fuck's sake you can have kids one day and, Christ, Heero's got 'em anyway so they could at least be step-grandkids or whatever." "Heero?" Solo asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow. "The guy who's been fucking you on the daily who you haven't seen for a week?" Duo stared at his knees as a hot blush swept over him. Yeah, that was pretty stupid. Once more there was silence between them and Solo rolled the last bit of paper in his fingers to extinguish the flame before throwing it down on the patio and smashing it with his heel the same way he'd done to the bile he spit up earlier. "So what the fuck happened?" Solo stated at last and Duo frowned, continuing his intense scrutiny of the ground. "I don't know man, it was just like..." Duo started, squirming a bit as he remembered last weekend. "His ex flipped out and he got all weird after that. But I don't know 'cause right before that he'd said the sweetest shit he'd ever said to me. I thought we were really getting somewhere, you know? But now he's ignoring my calls." He hazarded a glance at Solo who was frowning and thumbing his chin. "You really care about this guy?" Solo asked then and Duo wasn't flippant with his answer. He thought it through, even with the burning sensation in his ribs telling him that anything but an affirmative would be a blatant lie. The thought of it being over between them physically hurt and the only thing he wanted was to see Heero's stupid, miserable face one more time. "Fuck, yeah, I do," he breathed out after a minute, cracking his knuckles with his thumbs, feeling like a little kid. "I don't know what happened - it was just supposed to be fucking, ya know?" "Shit, again with the TMI," Solo laughed and Duo found himself blushing again, meeting Solo's amusement with shy eyes. "And you think he cares about you too?" Duo frowned then, looking down. "I thought so, for a minute, you know. He just... He's hard to read but yeah." He met Solo's eyes again, nodding, speaking more confidently this time as he thought about those words, the way Heero kissed him after he'd said them, all sweet and gentle, making his whole body feel light - making him feel loved. "Yeah. Yeah I think he does." "Then you can't just let him go without a fight," Solo said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and Duo stared. "Go to him. Show up at his place right now. Force him to talk to you. Just 'cause he's fucking ancient doesn't mean he's not gonna get scared and fucked up. Trust me man, if anyone knows what they're talking about, it's me. I'm scared out of my fucking mind and I'm still fighting." Duo swallowed hard, choking on tears as he watched the sincerity in Solo's face, heard the fear and uncertainty in his voice, knew that what he was dealing with was ten times harder than Duo would ever really know and yet still he was doling out advice on Duo's pathetic love life. And there was nothing he could offer in return. He stood and wrapped his arms around Solo's neck, holding him tight. "Fuck but I never deserved a big brother like you." "Don't cry on me," Solo laughed in a sad way that tugged at Duo's heart, returning the hug momentarily. "Go do that pansy-ass shit for him." "I'm not a fucking pansy," Duo argued as he straightened, wiping wet eyes on the back of his hands. "Sure." Solo shook his head and smiled knowingly. "Now go an' get your man back. I don't want to have to start sharing my pot for real." "Fuck you," Duo said as he ran a hand through Solo's hair once more and shoved his head gently to the side on his way out. "Fuck you too," Solo called back over his shoulder and Duo heard the snap of a lighter behind him. He climbed into his car, his whole body buzzing with nerves, fingers clutching the steering wheel as he moved through the deserted streets. Really, he had no fucking clue what he was going to say, he just hoped that seeing Heero would be enough to inspire him. Part of him thought Solo was crazy. It would be nearly four a.m. He'd be lucky if Heero even opened his door for him. In fact, he might just be setting himself up for humiliation. But then what he told Solo was true. He did think there was something there - and that he wasn't the only one who felt it. And he sure as hell couldn't let Solo down now. But he chewed his lip nervously as he parked, staring up at the dark house and wondering if Heero missed him at all. He didn't let himself worry about it too much as he got out and walked up, throwing caution to the wind and ringing the doorbell. In fact he rang it three times before the door opened and Heero stood there in a robe and pajama pants, hair mussed from sleep, eyes a bit glassy, a look of dumb shock contorting his features and Duo thought he never looked more handsome than right at that moment. "Duo?" he asked, clearly confused, as if he could hardly believe it. Duo just shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded, realizing that it was dumb to think he would be anything but speechless when confronted with him. "What are you doing here? It's four in the morning," Heero stated and Duo felt embarrassed then and didn't know what to say. 'I just wanted to see you' sounded utterly pathetic and he doubted some monologue about fighting for the things you loved would work as well on Heero as it did on him. Duo shrugged and looked desperately at Heero for help, for something, some indication he'd made the right decision by coming here. And Heero's face softened just a bit as he stepped out onto the porch to meet him. "I missed you so much," Heero admitted, his voice breathy, and he placed his hands on either side of Duo's neck before leaning in and kissing him. It was like a gunshot through his body to taste Heero again and momentum swept through him until he was clutching at Heero's shoulders, dragging their bodies together, kissing him like he was scared he'd never get another chance. And Heero reciprocated, wrapping him up, pulling him back into the house, lips sliding across his whole face only to come back to his mouth and reengage, sucking at it with a need that made Duo's knees weak. They stumbled up the stairs, shedding each other of clothing, fingers frantic to get to the flesh found underneath. Duo didn't need to say anything because Heero needed exactly what he did as he pressed him into the bed, prepping him quickly with rough fingers, kissing with his teeth and pulling at his lips and biting at his jaw. There was a madness to their fucking that had never been there before, a desperate need as Heero slammed into him until he was nearly shouting, gripping Duo's hips hard before pausing and staring down at him. Duo panted, meeting eyes so blue they looked black in the darkness, trying to figure out why he stopped until Heero was pulling him up into his lap, kissing him, hugging him, his hands all over him and Duo held him back, fingers tangled tight in his hair, digging into the flesh of his back, meeting every shallow thrust with his own frenzied downward movement. He was so close he reached between them and jerked himself, Heero's hand wrapping around his own, and he brought his other hand up to the back of Heero's neck and pressed him hard into another kiss. In mere moments he was coming between their bodies, across their sweaty skin, and Heero rolled him onto his back again for his last few weak thrusts until he was collapsing on top of him, gasping in breath and pressing his lips against his shoulders. As Duo stared at the ceiling and played absently with Heero's hair, reveling in the feeling of Heero's open-mouthed kisses across his collarbones, he wondered just what the fuck happened. Heero was never so... ferevent. Could one week apart really affect him that much? "Heero?" Duo whispered, a little nervous to disrupt him when he was so eager to sink himself in Heero's skin. "We can't..." he whispered back but he didn't move his lips from their place on Duo's shoulder. "I can't do this." Duo pushed him away then, sitting up and staring at him in horror. He didn't even know what to say. How could Heero fuck him like that and then act like he didn't want him? Heero just lay on his side, staring up at him, eyes pained. Heero's fingers curled on the bedspread like he wanted to reach out to him, but he didn't. "I don't know what else to do." "You could start by fucking talking to me," Duo growled, hurt that it apparently wasn't obvious. Heero stood then and walked into the bathroom. Duo sat and listened to the running water with mounting frustration. Was Heero really just going to blow him off like that? At four in the morning after he'd come here and they fucked like the damn world was ending? "She's taking me to court," he said, quiet anger snapping in his voice as he stood in the doorway, arms over his chest defensively. "She told me Sunday. She's going to try to get full custody based on my 'lifestyle.'" Duo stared, feeling gutted as he watched Heero's face twist in anger and turn away. "And since they're all damn lawyers it'll get priority." "They can't do that," Duo argued, his own anger searing through him with far more intensity than he anticipated. But then, part of that was the guilt of knowing he was the catalyst. "No, it's unlikely they'll succeed, but they'll make Thomas and Olivia go through all this bullshit with counselors and they'll smear you for your age and where you work and make our relationship into something it's not." His weary resignation only served to make Duo angrier. "But we haven't even touched!" His voice was getting alarmingly loud even to him and Heero only offered him a shrug. "It won't matter." "That vindictive bitch," Duo seethed as his hands clenched. Then he looked back at Heero, guilt written all over his face. "I'm so sorry." "It's not your fault," Heero sighed but Duo knew that wasn't true. It was his fault. He should've just stayed in his nicely cordoned off place in Heero's life - but he didn't. Selfishly, he had wanted more than that. Selfishly, he had wanted all of Heero. Fuck but he was such a stupid kid. But that was the problem, not the solution. He honestly wasn't sure what the solution was, but Duo knew one thing - the problem had already been created. If Heero cut ties with him now, it wouldn't matter, he would still be the problem. Relena would still take Heero to court. His kids would still have to undergo whatever they were going to have to undergo. Their actual relationship had no bearing on what had already been set in motion. "Let me help you," Duo offered, moving to the edge of the bed and Heero snorted skeptically as he left the doorway, allowing Duo to pass and clean himself off. "Seriously," he called from the bathroom as he wiped cum from his stomach and legs. "She's already got the ammunition she wants. Nothing you do matters at this point." He threw the washcloth in the tub and walked back to see Heero sitting on the bed, staring dejectedly at his knees. "Please go," he whispered, fists shaking and Duo shook his head, though Heero couldn't see it. "I'm not letting you do this by yourself," he said, leaving no room for argument, crawling across the bed to wrap his arms around Heero's shoulders, kissing them gently. "Please," he whispered again, noting the way Heero leaned into the touch despite himself. Duo kissed him then, just the barest touch of lips, fingertips running softly across his skin. Heero's skin prickled under his touch and he shivered. And though Heero never said it in words, he gave his consent in kisses and the way he held him close for the rest of the night. ~ * ~ |
