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"Hard to Say"Written By: ELLE Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam
Wing (unfortunately) and they were used without permission, but all
the words are my own. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: modern
day AU, cursing, light drug use, angst and feels, explicit sexual
situations, homophobia Pairings: 1x2x1,
past 1xR, current 4xR, Summary: Heero is a divorced dad with two kids and Duo is his younger fling that is quickly turning into something more despite his best effort to stop it. Author's Notes: I said I'd never write a fic like this and yet, here one is. The Duo in this fic is a bit of homage to a woman who made my life much easier than she had any obligation to when I was a child and who was taken from me by abject selfishness later in my life. That said, this isn't intended to be very autobiographical so don't read too much into that. In this fic I'm really focusing on the nature of different kinds of relationships and the effect of conversation and the things left unsaid so it's slower paced and perhaps a bit more subtle than some of my other work. I've debated intensely for over a year whether this was even worth finishing and posting so I'm not expecting this to be everyone's cup of tea. In fact it's currently unfinished because I'm struggling to complete the last chapter for a variety of stupid reasons. I'm hoping just posting this will give me the motivation I need to do so but we'll see.
"Hard to Say "
FIVE Duo stared at the multi-level mansion in awe, suddenly understanding what Thomas meant when he'd said his mom's TV was better. Anxiety was fairly rolling off Heero in waves and it wasn't doing much for Duo's mental state either to have him be so nervous. "Whatever she says to you, don't engage her," Heero warned as he shut off the car, clearly reluctant to get out. "I'm just a friend. I won't do anything that would suggest otherwise," Duo assured him but Heero just shook his head. "It won't matter," he stated with absolute certainty and a feeling of dread wormed it's way into Duo's gut as he looked back at the ominous building Heero's children called home. The only reason he was even here was at the request of Thomas. Otherwise he wouldn't have touched this situation with a ten foot pole. He had just been selfishly happy that she had the kids Friday night on Heero's typical weekend so that he could escape to Heero's place after work instead of having to go home. But now he realized karma was about to bite him in the ass for his selfishness. They got out of the car and approached the house as if attending a funeral instead of a birthday party. Heero rang the doorbell, which played a ridiculously cheery custom tune, almost causing Duo to laugh aloud, before a wonderfully polished woman in her late thirties answered. "Heero," she said, voice rolling over his name in a weird, strained way. "Relena," he replied and Duo almost gapped as he realized that she was Heero's ex. Then her eyes turned to Duo, looked him up and down in a purely scientific, dismissive way, said "my aren't you the perfect picture of a slut," and walked off. Duo's mouth did literally drop then as he followed her with his eyes down the hall until he couldn't see her any longer and just kept staring after that. Heero sighed and he snapped his teeth together as wide eyes turned to look at him in surprise. "I warned you," he said unapologetically as he stepped through the threshold. Duo followed after cautiously, so shocked he couldn't even take the time to be impressed by the handsome house and furnishings he was walking through. All he could hope was that she got her dig in early and would ignore him the rest of the time. Heero had kept their relationship so secret from the kids he'd be pissed if she wrecked that for him. "Duo!" Olivia cried from across the lawn as they walked into the back yard. He searched her out of the crowd, standing at the top of an inflatable slide, and he waved back at her as she quickly slid down and ran over to him. Duo was caught in awe at the way the yard was done up like no birthday party he ever saw before with probably thirty kids running around the property. There was a pool too and a huge grilling station and catering being set up across picnic tables and Duo felt sure it must've been one of the nicest parties he was ever at - and it was for a thirteen year old. "Duo, Duo!" she said, wrapping an arm around his leg. "Can you do my hair?" He laughed and complied, quickly braiding her hair before she ran off to join her friends in the bounce house. "Hello Heero," he heard and turned to look at a classy blonde man approaching in slacks and a button up that looked entirely too formal for a kid's birthday party but he offered a warm handshake that Heero reciprocated apathetically. "And your friend is...?" "Duo Maxwell," he introduced himself with a handshake too, sensing Heero's resistance to speaking with this guy. "Nice to meet you, Duo. I'm Quatre," he returned what seemed to be a genuine smile. "Relena's husband." Duo couldn't help chuckling. That sure explained a few things. "Nice to meet you too," he replied. "Please, make yourself at home and help yourself to anything. There's beer behind the bar," he offered with a wink and Duo nodded, assuring Quatre that he would get some before he was gone and off to greet the next group of people. "He doesn't seem so bad," Duo offered and Heero grunted, eyes following Thomas as he went through the inflatable obstacle course, laughing. "He doesn't live with your kids," Heero said at length, but then added after a minute, "though it could be worse." "Well, I'll get us a beer, huh?" Duo offered after an awkward silence, Heero's intensity nearly unbearable, just standing there glaring at everything and everyone as if he was personally challenging the whole damn party to try and get him to crack a smile. Heero turned to look at him and shook his head. "I don't drink in front of my kids." "Oh." Duo supposed that made sense. He couldn't remember a time Heero drank in front of them. In fact, when he thought of it, Heero didn't even have beer in his house, just closeted liquor that was rarely taken out. "I guess I knew that," he admitted, feeling embarrassed. "Lemonade, then?" Heero nodded and Duo meandered to the bar, glancing at the other attendees, watching Relena as she chatted with an incredibly attractive older man with shoulder length white hair. Maybe he was a little enamoured for a minute as he poured lemonade and wondered who he was as the typically shy Olivia ran up and greeted him with a hug. Relena noted her daughter's hairstyle and frowned, glaring across the lawn until their eyes met before yanking the hairband loose, Olivia's fair hair falling apart immediately. Olivia made some complaint, pouting and stomping her feet. Relena just smiled and offered some explanation but Duo knew the truth. "Whatta bitch," he muttered under his breath to the sound of laughter behind him and he shot his head around quickly, terrified. He met the eyes of a short, round, elderly Japanese woman in vibrant colors - white capris and a bright purple and pink floral top with hair done in large tucked up curls, covered in big, obvious gold and gemstone jewelry. "Not a fan of my former daughter-in-law, huh?" she asked with a knowing wink and Duo found himself blushing. This was Heero's mom? It didn't occur to him that she would be there, though it seemed obvious in retrospect that grandparents would attend. "Honestly, ma'am, I can't say I really know her," he answered as neutrally as possible. "Ah. Well if you don't know her, then you must be Duo, Heero's...?" "Friend," Duo filled in quickly. "Friend?" she replied, one skeptical penciled in eyebrow raised. "Friend," he confirmed with a nod. "Sure." She smiled a secretive smile that made Duo feel immediately overexposed and he glanced in Heero's direction to see that he was completely absorbed in watching his kids, same pissed off glare on his face, and Duo knew he was likely going to be stuck in this conversation for a while. "If I can," Duo started, shifting his feet uncomfortably, unable to meet the pleasant smile on her face. "You don't care about...?" She shrugged. "Should I?" "My parents do," he confessed as he stared into his cup, sloshing ice back and forth nervously. What was it about moms that made him say shit he never meant to say? "Well hunny, as my late husband used to say, the heart wants what the heart wants," she pat his cheek gently and he smelled the perfume on her wrist, overbearing and floral yet strangely comforting. "Besides," she continued as she moved to get a drink herself. "I already have my grandkids." Duo stared at the back of her head. She had to be quite a few years older than his own parents - so how could she be so casual about it? Shouldn't she be steeped in societal norms from the 1940's or something? "I thought you were bringing me a drink, not gossiping with my mother," Heero ground out, appearing at his side suddenly and causing Duo to startle as he stared at his... friend. How in the world did this cold, reticent, straight-laced guy come out of that easy-going, sweet, flamboyant woman? "It just kinda happened," Duo answered, rubbing the back of his neck apologetically. "It's not like you would introduce me," she accused and Heero sighed. "There's really nothing to introduce. He's just a friend," Heero replied and her bright lips dipped into a frown. "Now don't be like that," she said. "You know I don't care as long as you're happy." Duo supposed that at least Helen's non-confrontational style was less awkward than having to hear an argument like this. Especially considering Heero was nearly forty. "I am happy," Heero argued in a way that didn't sound particularly happy at all, making Duo want to laugh. "With my friends." "Heero, you have never had a friend." "And why -" "Hey 'Ro," Duo interrupted with an elbow to the ribs. "Who's the tall blonde over there talking to your ex? That guy is hot." Heero stared at him like he'd grown a second head but Duo only offered back an innocent smile. "My ex-brother-in-law?" Heero retorted. "You really do have a daddy complex, don't you? You just find the oldest man in the room -" "But we're just friends," Duo emphasized, smile turning a little bitter. "Why do you care?" "Well good luck," Heero replied, grabbing Duo's drink out of his hand and claiming it for his own. "He's married." "So were you," Duo muttered, watching Heero's back as he walked away and his mother just grunted. Duo looked over at her. She reminded him of Heero, then. "Let me give you a little advice," she murmured as she fixed him another drink. "Heero will always be at odds with himself. Perhaps a boy like him needed a more... normal childhood." She seemed truly remorseful then as she handed him the new cup of lemonade. "But the thing he wants most is the thing he is the most inexperienced with - stability." She smiled kindly at him then. "Good luck hunny." And she was gone, leaving him to contemplate that statement. It certainly seemed a reasonable explanation as to why Heero would stay in a loveless marriage to a woman he wasn't even attracted to for so long. Certainly having a wife and a family offered him that kind of stability. But Duo himself wasn't exactly the stable choice. He was just a dumb kid who spent the past few years fucking around. It wasn't until recently that he got his shit together enough to try to find some stability for himself. Maybe that was what his mom meant by him being at war with himself. That he still desired the exotic thing even though he needed the ordinary. That contemplation certainly didn't make him feel too optimistic though and he fell back into a lawn chair and glared at his lemonade. He probably shouldn't have agreed to come. Sure Thomas asked him but then it wasn't like it really mattered if he were there or not it just... He really wished he had a beer but then it seemed like he should try to respect Heero's rules regarding his kids and put up a unified front but then what did it matter if his kids would never even know their dad was gay let alone that Duo was his boyfriend or partner or whatever? The last thing he wanted to do was have an extended conversation with anyone when karma obviously had other plans in mind and Heero's ex-brother-in-law he'd so admired took the seat next to him. Go figure. "Hello. Duo, is it?" Duo nodded and tried to smile but he felt Solo nagging at him, begging him not to play nice. Solo always stood up for him. Beat up anyone who gave him shit. Chewed out anyone who made him feel threatened. It really was a shame Solo was put up for adoption. His dedication to family was insurmountable. "I'm Millard. Pleased to meet you." He held out a hand and Duo reached over to shake it. "Olivia has told us all about you." "Has she?" Duo felt the tension in his smile. "Only good things, I hope." "Sure." The way he smiled back felt like a trap. "But of course, children only care about childish things like pizza and bumper cars." Duo had to wonder what the fuck was really going on here. Was this some kind of weird threat? Like they wanted him to know that they knew what he did with Heero's kids? Did it matter? "What do you do for a living?" he asked without much preamble and Duo shifted in his seat, expecting an interrogation. "I'm a waiter," he answered, intentionally short. "Oh." Millard frowned a moment. "Where?" Was this guy serious? This wasn't subtle at all. But he didn't see a way out of it. "The White Swallow, downtown," he answered, leaning across the seat with a feral grin and a nod where he looked the other man up and down provocatively. "You oughta come visit me sometime. Guy like you - tall, handsome, expensive clothes, that pretty hair - you'd get great service." He winked then and Millard swallowed, clearly uncomfortable. "And this is where you and Heero met?" Millard inquired when he regained composure and Duo laughed. "Yeah, and? Don't like thinkin' about your former brother-in-law pickin' up dudes at a gay bar?" Duo asked with feigned kindness as the other man struggled with an appropriate answer. "Look, I don't know what your game is here," he said, letting him off the hook. "I know I'm not one of you respectable types, but I do my damn best. Now, if you'll excuse me." Duo stood then and Millard followed suit. He was about to walk away when he turned last minute back to Millard and leaned in close. "And just so you know, there's nothing between Heero and I. I'm definitely not his... boyfriend," the word came out weird from his mouth anyway, surely proving his sincerity. "So you can all get over it." And with his final piece said, he walked back into the house in search of a bathroom to calm down in. He realized he hadn't even bothered to see where Heero was and he wondered faintly if he would even try to come find him. Immediately he chastised himself, realizing the answer to that question. Why would he? Heero had enough shit on his plate without having to worry about him, too. It felt a little intrusive but he just decided to open doors until he found a bathroom. Not as if anyone was around anyway. But the first door he opened was into a den with the biggest TV he had ever seen in his life. He stepped into the room in awe, momentarily distracted from his frustration. The walls were hung with canvases from Relena's second wedding - a beautiful, demure affair with Thomas and Olivia done up in formal attire. He glanced at the bookshelf, filled with different novels and DVDs and pictures of the recent past. While he supposed it made sense that Heero wouldn't be featured in any pictures, it seemed strange to him as he was still Thomas and Olivia's father. But he put it out of his mind and was just about to leave when something in the corner caught his eye - three large albums in white and pink and blue in the very lower left hand corner of the shelf where no one would really notice them. Unable to control his curiosity, he slid out the pink one and realized by the cover that it was a scrapbook of Olivia's birth. A grin cracked his face then and he glanced at the door, listened to the silence in the house, and decided it was worth the risk to be nosey. He grabbed all three albums and sat down on the couch. He started with Olivia's and found himself immediately grinning as he went through the elaborately made up pages of pictures of her birth. Heero holding her in the hospital filled him with a strange warmth he wasn't expecting as he gazed on her like she was the most precious thing he'd ever seen. He just looked so gentle holding her, bathing her, dressing her in little dresses, burping her over his shoulder, swinging her in the park, walking her to the bus stop for the first time. Honestly he had never really thought about what it would be like to have a baby. Most of his earliest childhood memories were full of uncertainty and fear and it wasn't something he ever wanted to make someone else repeat. But looking at these pictures he realized it was different for her. She had a family, a mother and father who cared for her, stability. A little pang of jealousy pierced through him as he flipped through the pages of Thomas' album, seeing the same scenes repeated. He laughed a bit at Heero's shaggy hair, styled longer than it was now, thick framed glasses perched on his nose. It was clear he adored Thomas in the same way, nervously holding him as an infant, staring at him in utter disbelief and joy, a rare smile gracing his face in the pictures contained within these albums. The white one was probably the most fascinating for him, though, when he realized it was a wedding album. He figured with Relena's attitude it was a wonder it didn't get burned but a note written out in flowing script and placed in the front explained why. It was addressed to Olivia and stated that the album was saved specifically for her. He felt a little voyeuristic as he sorted through the more immaturely fashioned album. It was clear Relena had developed a skill set for it over the years of creating pages. Heero's signature scowl graced his face through most of the pictures, only seeming to smile gently during their vows and first dance. Duo's fingertips brushed a picture of him standing in front of a mirror, adjusting his tie. Heero had said he was twenty-two when he'd gotten married. Four years younger than Duo himself was now. He couldn't help but wonder what was going through young Heero's mind at that moment. Did he know it would all come down to this? Did he suspect he was gay? Was he only marrying her for the accessory benefits - a wife, a home, a place to belong? For the stability his mother said he needed? Suddenly he realized he wasn't alone and he glanced over his shoulder in fear until he realized it was just Heero and he breathed out a shaky laugh of relief. "You scared me," he said as Heero came up behind him, standing at his shoulder and noting immediately what he was looking at. "Sorry, I guess it's personal, I was just getting the fourth degree from Millard," he drew out his name with the aplomb it deserved, "and I had to get outta there. Then I found these and, well... Sorry." Heero stared at the page, leaning over Duo's shoulder to flip through the album quickly, not seeming particularly interested but then there was something on his face - so close they were nearly touching - that told Duo that wasn't quite true. "There was never a point where I felt about her the way I feel about you right now," he murmured, eyes turning to meet Duo's then, and his breath caught and his heart pounded and he heard the blood rushing in his ears and Heero moved closer, lips meeting his in a gentle, tender kiss. He felt Heero's hand on the back of his head, tilting it upward just slightly and he sighed, opening his mouth wider to deepen the kiss. His fingers trembled on the album and he never felt quite like this before. Like Heero... Like Heero might love him. But then they were interrupted by a pounding knock on the door and fell apart quickly, both turning to meet Relena's furious gaze. "Just a friend?" she spat as Duo hastily put down the album, hoping she wouldn't notice he'd been perusing it. "What if one of the kids had walked in here instead of me?" Heero's mouth tightened into a thin line but he didn't respond. Duo glanced back and forth between them, not exactly sure what he should do, but knowing he really didn't want to watch what was about to go down. "Well?" she asked impatiently, standing her ground, hands on her hips. And then she snapped, stomping one foot in anger. "You are so selfish Heero! I can't believe I ever married a man who so clearly only ever thinks about himself! Do you know what that would do to them? To see their father with... with... like this?" And then one thing became startlingly clear to Duo all at once. Heero wasn't hiding his sexuality from his kids out of any personal desire to keep them in the dark - he was keeping it from them to appease her. "They didn't. And they haven't. And they won't," he said, barely moving his mouth to speak, the words terse. "And he is nothing..." But despite there obviously being more to that sentence, the words trailed off and Duo looked at him critically, amazed he wasn't actually able to say it after repeating it so many times today to so many people. Maybe it was the proximity of his real confession. Duo glanced back to Relena. Or maybe she could see right through him, too. "Look, I don't want to cause any problems," Duo offered as he stood. "I really am just a friend. Okay, with benefits, maybe, but we don't... you know... do... whatever... in front of... because there isn't..." Relena looked like she was going to positively explode with each word that fell stupidly from his mouth until he heard the jingle of keys and he turned to look at Heero. "Come back later," he commanded and Duo grabbed the keys from him desperately, high-tailing it out of there, not even feeling guilty for leaving Heero in that lion's den, knowing that he wasn't going to be any help at all. ~ * ~ |
