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"Hard to Say"Written By: ELLE Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam
Wing (unfortunately) and they were used without permission, but all
the words are my own. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: modern
day AU, cursing, light drug use, angst and feels, explicit sexual
situations, homophobia Pairings: 1x2x1,
past 1xR, current 4xR, Summary: Heero is a divorced dad with two kids and Duo is his younger fling that is quickly turning into something more despite his best effort to stop it. Author's Notes: I said I'd never write a fic like this and yet, here one is. The Duo in this fic is a bit of homage to a woman who made my life much easier than she had any obligation to when I was a child and who was taken from me by abject selfishness later in my life. That said, this isn't intended to be very autobiographical so don't read too much into that. In this fic I'm really focusing on the nature of different kinds of relationships and the effect of conversation and the things left unsaid so it's slower paced and perhaps a bit more subtle than some of my other work. I've debated intensely for over a year whether this was even worth finishing and posting so I'm not expecting this to be everyone's cup of tea. In fact it's currently unfinished because I'm struggling to complete the last chapter for a variety of stupid reasons. I'm hoping just posting this will give me the motivation I need to do so but we'll see.
"Hard to Say "
FOUR Despite the goal of today, Duo was feeling pretty good as he stared up at his apartment for the last time. He'd gone over to Heero's after work last night and they didn't even fuck, Heero just got out of bed and reheated him some dinner, sat with him while he ate, and kissed him for a few minutes before he got in the shower. Slowly they were merging into something a little more domestic but then they still blew each other that morning so maybe not completely. The memory of waking up to Heero mouthing down his chest to his abs to his thighs made his skin tingle as he looked over at his handsome fuck. Or whatever they were. Domestic or no the word boyfriend would definitely stick in his mouth if he dared to test it out. "Look, you know this whole thing with your kids and us?" Duo started carefully as he wiped his hands on his pants, staring at his few worldly possessions destined for a cheap storage unit. Part of him wanted to just say fuck it and take them to the dump instead. Light them on fire right here in the parking lot. Heero didn't say anything, just appraised him carefully and Duo shrugged. "It's gotta kinda be like that at Ben's." "Oh." Heero blinked and seemed genuinely curious but unsure if he should ask. Despite becoming a little more open with one another, they weren't exactly just offering their pasts as open books to be rifled through. "I mean, Helen's cool or whatever and Solo doesn't give a shit, really, though it probably would fuck with his head a bit to see me, ah, you know... kiss you or whatever." Heero frowned as he tightened cables in the truck and Duo shoved his hands in his pockets. He knew it wasn't the suggestion that he didn't want to be seen kissing in front of his brother, but the suggestion that they might actually kiss in front of anyone they knew that made Heero frown. "But Ben, he's a pastor." Heero stopped, hands resting on bungee cords and turned to look over his shoulder at Duo. There was something like amusement on his face and Duo glared back with a pout. "We didn't talk for nearly two years after I came out. He kicked me out of the house, you know? I was adopted. That kind of thing, not having a home - fucking sucked. Not to mention that's why it took me all this time to go back to school. I was on my own since I was eighteen." Heero hopped down off the truck and pulled him in tight, kissing him hard, just for a moment, and Duo was left staring as Heero moved away again to close the truck. He scratched at his head. Sometimes Heero was really impossible to figure out. "I'll be on my best behavior," Heero returned coolly and Duo laughed at the preposterous image of Heero, only a handful of years his adoptive parent's junior, playing the innocent boyfriend with them. "Ben shouldn't even be there," Duo offered as they climbed into the truck together. "We still don't really get along. Pretty sure he's as excited as I am about this." Duo stared out the window as Heero started the vehicle, watching the apartment he'd called home for the past few years fade in the rearview mirror. "You know that as long as my kids are at my ex's, you are always welcome to stay at my place, right?" The words were soft and gentle and Duo's head snapped around to stare. He'd kinda figured Heero wouldn't exactly mind his booty call showing up whenever - especially considering how many nights out of the week he spent there anyway - but then to be offered it freely, no strings attached... No one had ever offered him something like that before, with the possible exception of Helen the day she walked through the door of his foster home. "No, I..." he stumbled, surprise and appreciation lodging in his throat. "Thanks." Heero didn't look at him, just nodded towards the road. The trip to the storage unit was uneventful otherwise and Duo didn't talk much, absorbed in his own thoughts of impending doom. For what must've been the millionth time he steeled himself and told himself it wouldn't be as bad as he was imagining, that they were both adults, right, and that this wasn't his eighteenth birthday all over again. He was twenty-six, now. If worst came to worst, he'd just leave. But when they pulled up to the house his confidence wavered - because no one could get under your skin the way your family could. And no one knew just how to hurt you the way your family would. He drew in a deep breath, gave Heero a tentative smile, and then committed himself to the path he'd chosen by opening the car door. Helen had clearly heard them pull up and was waiting to greet them on the porch. Duo noted the way her eyes appraised Heero with doubt and uncertainty and he immediately felt defensive. There had been a time or two where Helen briefly met one of his boyfriends, but she never knew it at the time and in general he kept the two parts of his life clearly separated so he would never have to deal with an awkward confrontation or unnecessary judgement. Helen refrained from her typical hug and instead just smiled at him nervously and shook Heero's hand during the introduction. Duo couldn't help but find it somewhat startling that she was nervous - she normally had such an easy going manner and personal conviction enough to let her talk to anyone. Being a pastor's wife required that. But with Heero her voice wavered and Duo wasn't sure why - and not being sure was the worst part. Was it because this was his... whatever Heero was to him? Or was it because Heero was gay? They went back to grab a few things from the truck before heading in. Duo managed to keep up an easy banter of what he couldn't even say as they wandered back through the house, down that dreaded hallway, and to his old room. Heero paused when they reached the pictures, taking time to note each one, and Duo waited a moment outside the door, watching him. "You played football?" "Made Varsity sophomore year," Duo bragged a bit with a shrug as Heero stared at his old team photo, sporting jersey number 22, black and gold. "I was pretty good." Heero asked no further questions so he let him look at the pictures a moment and turned to put the box he was carrying down in his old room. Mostly he was glad the room had been converted to a guest room over the years and not left the way he'd had it in high school. Sure, he remembered what used to be there under the purple and cream frilly comforter and paintings of flowers - the rock posters, the bookshelf stacked with CDs and video games, the hidden stash of weed and gay porno mags under the bed. There had been some great things about high school, but almost everything was eclipsed by his devastating fear of Ben's eventual rejection. "So you're the guy who's screwing my little brother." Duo's heart stopped in his chest and his arms shook as he heard Solo's voice from the hallway. If anyone ever wondered where Duo got his attitude, they never did after they met Solo - he always had to phrase things a certain way, always had to be shocking. Fuck but that wasn't exactly the introduction Duo had been hoping for and he inched towards the doorway as his brain raced for a way to smooth over the horridly awkward thing Solo had just said. "Basically," was Heero's completely unaffected reply. "You're kinda older than I expected." Duo had reached the door and was mentally banging his head against the wall, unsure why Solo saw fit to embarrass him as thoroughly as possible. He couldn't see Heero's face but he watched as he just shrugged, totally nonchalant. "Who am I to judge if he has a daddy complex?" Over Heero's shoulder he saw Solo's face contort into a frown and Duo bit his lip on a smile, anticipating the laughter that followed that frown. Solo reached out and smacked Heero's shoulder in what Duo knew was a welcoming gesture as he laughed and even though Heero stiffened as was his nature, Solo didn't seem to mind. "Is there anything I can help with?" Solo addressed Duo over Heero's shoulder and Heero turned to look at him too, still holding a duffle and a box of his own. Duo walked forward and took the box, smiling a little awkwardly at his brother. "Nah, man, I don't have that much stuff." It only took them about fifteen minutes to get the rest of the stuff in - and they weren't moving very quickly. True to form, Helen started making lunch. They gathered in the kitchen and Solo fielded Heero easy questions - what he did for a living, where they met - kept the conversation light. Duo helped him out and despite the tension of the moment, the gravity of it, that Duo was home now, he could suspend reality, if only briefly, if only for that moment, and pretend that things were going to be okay. So as he was setting the table, listening to Solo ramble about some new nurse at the clinic, Helen chiming in to corroborate his story, he leaned over Heero who was already seated, smiled at him a little as he set the plate in front of him, set his hand on his shoulder, tried to display more confidence than he actually felt, tried to communicate some thanks with his expression. And Heero offered a look of sympathy that made Duo feel that yeah, this was okay. But the illusion was shattered the moment the door opened and Ben walked in. The entire room froze at the intrusion, each one of them knowing to some degree what his arrival meant. Duo straightened, hand falling immediately from Heero's shoulder, their eyes meeting across the room, the tension between them thick enough to cut. Duo expected anger, words, something - but Ben just turned and walked back into the garage, slamming the door on his way out. Duo growled and stormed after him. Something in him had snapped then, when he saw that look of disgust and disappointment so obvious on the face of a man he'd once viewed at his savior. It was worse than when he was eighteen and all he got was anger because he still had hope then that things would change. Now he knew, beyond a doubt, that Ben would never respect him, never come to see that he wasn't going to magically change into his idea of a perfect gentleman, never going to be able to be cordial to the man he loved. And although that disappointed him, the anger he felt overrode that sadness and was what really drove him into the garage after Ben. The fact of the matter was, Duo was doing him a big ass favor moving back in here and at the very least he could be treated with some damn respect. He was a fucking adult now, not a kid, and he wasn't going to avoid this any longer. The silent treatment wasn't okay when he was eighteen - it sure as hell wasn't acceptable now. He shut the door behind him with force, but not the same unbridled anger that Ben had employed. He wanted to be seen as an adult for once, an adult capable of making his own decisions. "This isn't going to work," he started, roping him in before Ben could escape. There was a short, cold laugh. "You've got that right." The sarcastic comment had Duo's blood boiling in seconds flat. "Not if you're going to be bringing around - around -" His words halted and Duo stared. "Guys?" he offered in disbelief. "Heero?" He couldn't imagine what his face looked like at that moment but it was obvious by the look on Ben's that that was what he meant. "Heero is like - we're not even dating, really, he's just a friend, he was just helping me move." Which was true, for the most part. "And anyway he's like upstanding citizen of the year compared to some of the guys I've been with." That certainly didn't help his argument, at least not in Ben's eyes, and the disgust that comment returned brought Duo's anger back full force. "You didn't even give him a chance. He's a good guy with a good job and, jeez, he has two kids and -" "What?" Ben interrupted, causing Duo to stop and repeat himself. "He has two kids, you know, and they're great, he's a great father, you'd really -" "No," Ben said and Duo realized then that he wasn't helping his case at all with that assertion. "You're telling me you're actively destroying marriages now, too?" Duo straight up laughed at such a ridiculous accusation. "No - he was divorced way before he met me. Jesus." He instantly regretted taking the lord's name in vain as Ben's face clouded further. "I don't mean you," he growled back, "I mean... you." "You mean gays?" Duo felt horrified when he realized what Ben was trying to get at. As if Heero somehow fell prey to a raving pack of homosexuals and was forced from a loving marriage into depravity. The stare they exchanged was wrought with tension and Duo wasn't even sure how this conversation got so far away from the intended topic with this kind of absolute nonsense. "Look, whatever you think about me, or him, or... whatever - it doesn't matter. I'm here now and I'm not here for you - I'm here for Helen and Solo." He was direct, emotionless now, just trying to make some kind of truce, faced with the enormity of Ben's bias. "I'm not going to be bringing random guys here to do whatever it is you imagine I do. He's just here to help me move. Then he'll be gone - and trust me, he won't be back." Ben's expression didn't change, his skepticism obvious, and Duo sighed in defeat. "I promise. I wouldn't do that to you, and I wouldn't do that to him, either." Duo looked down and slid his hands into his pockets self-consciously. "Frankly I probably won't be around much anyway, so don't worry about it." That seemed to catch some pity and Ben said his name but Duo interrupted before he could say anything more. "I'm just trying to do the right thing." He looked up then, totally sincere, but knowing that should evoke some empathy from his adoptive father. He didn't want to manipulate him, but he didn't want the next however many months he had to be here to be fraught with unnecessary frustration either. And honestly, he did want Ben's love again - he just wasn't sure he was actually capable of getting it back. "Duo," he said again, sighing and crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned against the workbench, hair seeming entirely too grey then. "I hope you never decide to become a father." Duo stared in shock and then started laughing, completely beside himself. He wiped at his eyes and looked at Ben, who was smiling at him - albeit just a little - for the first time in eight years. He was tempted to say all manner of inappropriate things that were a direct rag on Ben's beliefs, namely that gays couldn't raise children so he had nothing to worry about, but he chose not to ruin the moment. "Yeah, you got nothin' to worry about there," Duo said, relaxing for a moment as they appraised each other as equals. "Will you come in and have lunch? I promise it won't be as bad as you're thinking." "I..." Ben paused and looked torn. He looked at the clock over Duo's head and shook his head. "I don't really have the time. I just came by to grab a sandwich." Duo didn't know if that were true or not, but he decided to just accept it at face value. It was the only way moving back was going to work. "I'd say maybe next time, but I don't think there'll be one," Duo joked light-heartedly although his own words irritated him but he turned back towards the door anyway, walking in to a clearly awkward conversation that ended essentially as soon as they stepped back in. Ben waved uncomfortably at Solo and Heero before turning to the fridge and grabbing lunch meat from it. Duo sat down next to Heero, who turned to look at him with obvious curiosity, making sure he was okay and Duo returned a tentative smile, trying to tell Heero with his eyes that it was okay, that he was okay. Solo came to the rescue, asking some innocuous question about his work schedule and Duo managed to stretch it into a several minute answer, offering everyone a buffer from each other. When Ben left with nothing more than another short wave, they all listened until they heard the car start and roll out and then both Helen and Solo immediately turned to Duo, who rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. "We worked it out, I think," Duo announced and the topic was kindly dropped. The rest of lunch went well, or so Duo thought, and Heero went home and he went to work. But as his shift went on and he was forced to deal with handsy drunks and stupid bar shit, he realized how emotionally exhausted he was, how tense, and everything seemed to hit him harder than he'd expected. The idea of going back to that house felt suffocating and he felt like he was still making a mistake. The things Ben had said were offensive, they were hurtful, and maybe they'd come to some kind of truce but that didn't make it okay or mean it didn't hurt. Even the way Helen handled herself around Heero, polite but otherwise nervous, bothered him and by the time midnight rolled around he was way past done. He managed to convince his shift manager to let him off a little early and while he intended to just go home, he found himself rolling up to Heero's, hoping he'd meant what he said, unable to bear walking into that house right then when he was so emotionally vulnerable. Going to Heero wasn't much better but then Heero was uncomplicated. Heero was all face value. He could tell him that he just needed a minute and he felt like Heero would understand. Before he left the bar he texted Heero and the door was unlocked for him when he arrived, Heero curled up on the couch reading. Duo watched him and for a brief moment he felt like he was home, here, far more at home in Heero's house than in the house he grew up in. Heero lifted his head and placed his bookmark, watching Duo back, and they were completely silent for a moment. Duo's heart skipped a beat as he realized he wanted this. And he was a little bit afraid he only wanted this to escape everything else but then coming home to Heero, the way he had so many nights the past few months, just felt... right. But he shoved that feeling deep down in his heart where he could hopefully forget it even existed. Heero walked to the kitchen and pulled out a plate he'd fixed and Duo smiled a little, eyes filling with tears as he fell into a seat at the table, laying his head down on it as he watched Heero reheat the food, emotionally and physically exhausted. Just the idea that Heero had considered hours ago when he'd eaten to make extra food for him and then set it aside, that he thought he might come and thought about him while he wasn't there and thought about what he would want was overwhelming after hours of being pawed at for tips and treated like his relationships would never be accepted by his family. It was enough to make him feel like he might fall apart and he took a shuddering breath. He told himself he wouldn't cry. Not in front of Heero. "You're tired and your blood sugar is low," Heero said as he set the plate in front of him and Duo propped himself up weakly, giving Heero a meek, appreciative smile. "Yeah, and that dick with the porn-stache who thought I was there for his own personal amusement sure didn't fucking help," Duo muttered as he picked up the fork, slamming it into green beans angrily as he thought about the way that guy touched his ass every single time he walked by. Two hours in he was sure he would've decked the guy if Trowa hadn't taken over the table for him. Heero set down a glass of water a little too hard and Duo glanced up at him but his face was already trained into impassivity. "Sorry," he apologized. "My mistake." "Nah, it's okay," Duo replied hesitantly, unsure if Heero was telling the truth or not. "I'm sorry lunch was so weird. I'm sorry Helen was so weird." He grimaced as he thought about it before turning back to his plate. Heero sat down across from him with his own glass. "No, she was fine. I thought we got along well." "Well, you don't know what she's really like," Duo grumbled, thinking of the warm, friendly personality she normally greeted strangers with. "I think you're reading too much into it," Heero offered and Duo shrugged, unsure what to say and too absorbed in eating to bother with thought for a minute. But as he cleared his plate and he began to feel better his thoughts and feelings began to coalesce. "It just pisses me off that they act like you're, I don't know, bad or something and they can't just treat you like a person, they have to treat you all weird, and I'm - we're not even - you know - whatever!" Duo struggled at the end, dropping his fork on the plate with a ceremonious gesture of dismissal and crossing his arms over his chest. Heero chuckled as he took the plate to the sink to rinse it and place it in the dishwasher. "I'm used to that. I have an ex-wife, remember?" Heero said. "She's far worse than that." Duo stared up at him and shook his head. "I don't care. I've dealt with this shit forever. It's not even you, you know? The real problem is me. It's me and it always has been." He sighed and let his eyes linger on Heero where he leaned against the counter, waiting patiently for him to finish his rant, although Duo realized he had nothing left to say that he hadn't said to himself a thousand times before and he just didn't want to think about it any more. He wanted to spend the night here and pretend he could stay here forever and hide from Ben and Helen and maybe, most of all, Solo and his sad eyes and his teasing and his attempts to smooth everything over and make it bearable when he was suffering so much worse. Just like he always had. "You're tired," Heero repeated. "And so am I. Let's go to sleep." Although it was phrased as a demand Duo knew that Heero meant it kindly and was only looking out for his best interests and so he nodded, following the other man upstairs. He undressed, washed his face, brushed his teeth with the toothbrush left for him in the little cup that made the whole place feel even more like home and crawled into bed next to Heero, making his way far closer than he normally dared to steal a kiss. And Heero complied, offering him a sweet kiss filled with no urgency just compassion. As Duo stared into his eyes a minute afterwards his heart leapt and he grabbed Heero's hand, placing it on his hip pointedly, stroking his chest with gentle fingers and kissing him again, running his tongue against his lower lip in a teasing way he knew Heero loved. "Will you fuck me?" he asked quietly, not wanting to break the mood but then he wanted the feeling of Heero inside him, completing him, holding him in his arms and kissing him and making him feel wanted, making him feel needed - making him feel home. "Are you sure?" Duo nodded his head slightly. "Yeah," he breathed into the languid kiss, not sure exactly how to explain to Heero just what he wanted but hoping he would understand. "Slow, you know?" It was Heero's turn to nod as he rolled on top of him, continuing the lazy kiss, pressing his body weight down on him, heavy and warm. And for perhaps the first time since they started screwing around, Duo came face to face with how much he really appreciated having a rock like Heero in his life. ~ * ~ |
