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"Hard to Say"Written By: ELLE Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam
Wing (unfortunately) and they were used without permission, but all
the words are my own. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: modern
day AU, cursing, light drug use, angst and feels, explicit sexual
situations, homophobia Pairings: 1x2x1,
past 1xR, current 4xR, Summary: Heero is a divorced dad with two kids and Duo is his younger fling that is quickly turning into something more despite his best effort to stop it. Author's Notes: I said I'd never write a fic like this and yet, here one is. The Duo in this fic is a bit of homage to a woman who made my life much easier than she had any obligation to when I was a child and who was taken from me by abject selfishness later in my life. That said, this isn't intended to be very autobiographical so don't read too much into that. In this fic I'm really focusing on the nature of different kinds of relationships and the effect of conversation and the things left unsaid so it's slower paced and perhaps a bit more subtle than some of my other work. I've debated intensely for over a year whether this was even worth finishing and posting so I'm not expecting this to be everyone's cup of tea. In fact it's currently unfinished because I'm struggling to complete the last chapter for a variety of stupid reasons. I'm hoping just posting this will give me the motivation I need to do so but we'll see.
"Hard to Say "
THREE Duo licked his fingers free of the ketchup resulting from what seemed like fifty ripped packets as both Thomas and Olivia covered their hotdogs and french fries in the stuff. He caught Heero's glare and grinned. Honestly, he wasn't trying to be suggestive, but if Heero wanted to imagine him licking... whatever it was he was imagining... then that certainly wasn't his fault. Heero had made it perfectly clear they were not to act in any way suggesting there was anything more between them than friendship and Duo intended to uphold his promise that he wouldn't. "We're going to ride rides after this, right?" Thomas propositioned his father and Heero nodded - garnering a cheer from Thomas and a pout from Olivia. Duo raised an eyebrow as he shoved fries covered in salt and vinegar in his mouth with deep satisfaction. There really was nothing better than fair food. "You not like rides?" Duo asked and Olivia shook her head. They spent the beginning of the day watching derby shows and wandering around livestock contests while Thomas had endured it all with obviously waning patience and Duo frankly couldn't blame him. Any time they went to the fair, Solo and he would spend the whole time stuffing their faces with cotton candy and funnel cakes and riding the rides until they felt sick and to be honest, Duo hadn't even realized fairs had all these competitions and shows until today. Though he also didn't remember fairs being quite this large, either. "You don't have to ride," Heero assured her and she seemed to shrink against his arm defensively. "That's right," Duo added with a smile. "Thomas and I can ride together." "Cool!" Thomas enthused and Heero seemed relieved. Duo had to guess this must be a common dynamic in their relationship, that Thomas was the outgoing, tenacious one and Olivia shy and reserved, and he imaged it would be hard to reconcile their differences. "What do you want to ride first?" "The rollercoaster!" Duo laughed and shook his head. "I can't believe they have a rollercoaster here now. It's really a lot different from when I was a kid." Heero snorted and Duo pointed at him with the french fries in his hand. "Oh please. At least there was a fair here when I was a kid. You were probably too busy hunting buffalo on the plain and reading by candlelight to even go to a fair when you were a kid." Duo shoved the fries in his mouth with a self-satisfied smirk and licked his thumb while Heero blinked in surprise and Thomas laughed, Olivia joining in more discreetly. He had never made a dig at Heero's age before. He could see Heero's jaw working as he bit back any number of what were likely completely inappropriate responses. "There were fairs," he finally muttered out, "but I never went to them." "Daddy didn't have time for fairs," Olivia stated and Duo met her serious defense with equally serious eyes. "Really?" She shook her head and Thomas filled in for her. "No. He got to travel the whole country when he was a kid." Duo detected a hint of bitterness there and Heero sighed. "It wasn't fun," he said, seeming as though he'd repeated this argument a million times. "I didn't get to go to school, I had to have a personal tutor, and I didn't have any friends. Think of your birthday party coming up. Imagine if you didn't know Kyle or Jaxon or Mason and had no one to invite. Would that be fun?" Thomas scowled and didn't answer and Duo tried to find a way to lighten the mood. He really didn't know anything about Heero's childhood and his curiosity was definitely piqued but he felt that now wasn't really the best time to ask for an elaboration. "You have a birthday coming up?" he asked Thomas instead to try to draw his attention away from the sore subject. Thomas just nodded, a bit dejected, not playing into the topic change. "What day?" "August second," Thomas replied and Duo smiled and leaned over the table a little as he ran the last of his fries through the soppy vinegar. "That's awesome!" he said with enough enthusiasm to get Thomas to look at him funny. "That makes you a Leo and Leos are some of my favorite people." "Huh?" Suffice to say, Thomas had never heard of the Zodiac before and Duo went on a rambling explanation even despite Heero's skeptical and irritated huff. Any more he didn't tend to believe in it, but there was a point where it was very important to him and helped him cope with a lot of the bullshit going on his life. It didn't help that his mentor at the time was versed in drawing up charts and hooked him with all these seemingly accurate personality predictions. It also didn't help that he was smoking a lot of weed. But it was a topic Duo knew was fascinating, especially for kids, and once they determined that Heero was a Scorpio and Olivia an Aquarius, Duo himself an Aries, they started in on sign compatibility. Luckily they finished eating before they got around to the compatibility between Scorpio and Aries and he and Heero both changed the conversation quickly to throwing away their trash and moving on to the rides. "Sorry," he apologized as they watched the kids walk over to the trash can for them. "But I knew it would distract him." "You don't believe that shit, do you?" Heero asked bluntly and Duo laughed. "Nah, not any more," he said. "But for a while it was easier to think that things were out of my control rather than try to do anything about it." Heero accepted that explanation with a sympathetic nod. "But just so you know, Aries and Scorpio are supposed to be pretty explosive," he teased back with a wink and Heero grunted dismissively. "Duo?" Olivia asked when they returned to the table. "Will you braid my hair again?" He smiled and did so, taking a little bit of pride in the fact that Thomas thought he was cool enough to ride the rides with willingly and Olivia seemed to think he was pretty cool too if she was wanting her hair done up like his all the time. It was actually a lot of fun for Duo to relive a happy part of his childhood through Thomas, taking him on the tilt-a-whirl and remembering how Solo was always so much stronger than him and they would fight for control but Solo always won, spinning them so fast he'd feel sick afterwards but could never admit it because he didn't want to seem weak in front of his older brother. The gravitron, which they always saved for the end of the night when it was especially disorienting as lights whipped around them at ultrahigh speed and he could barely see Solo standing next to him, just hear his boisterous laughter. The paratrooper, which was always Duo's personal favorite as he loved the feeling of flying, of the wind through his hair and the moment of rest they got as they planned out their next few rides. The looping starship, where Solo would sing "rock-a-bye baby" to him at the top of his lungs as the ride ramped up, embarrassing the hell out of him every time. He knew Solo would've loved the roller coaster too. Some of the rides Olivia found acceptable and they decided to ride together - the carousel, the train, the alpine slides, the bumper cars. The bumper cars were great though because Duo helped Thomas antagonize Heero and Olivia's car the whole time - and mostly succeeded. Until after three times through Heero apparently wised up and talked to some of the other people in line as Duo and Thomas worked out their attack strategy in secret - or as secret as you can get in line, which basically amounted to turning your back and crouching over each other whispering in one another's ears, ignoring everyone else - because fairly quickly it became an every other car against Duo and Thomas' as they were rammed mercilessly on all sides. But the smile their ploy got from Olivia was totally worth it and she was on cloud nine the rest of the day. As the sun set they decided to get ice cream and ambled through the park to the ferris wheel, a ride Duo never truly appreciated as a kid but was excited for now, imagining looking over the fair full of happy, exhausted people after a basically perfect day - with Heero sitting beside him. "Your kids are really great," Duo murmured as he leaned over the bar with his chin in his hand, staring down at the cart ascending after them, watching as Thomas held Olivia's hand to comfort her. His eyes slid over to Heero lazily, observing the somewhat uncomfortable look on his face. "Seriously, I'm not shittin' ya, they're really great kids," Duo repeated, sitting up straighter, facing him. "Even when Thomas gets impatient with Olivia, he is still sympathetic to her. That's really amazing. And she clearly adores him." He laughed, mind wandering inevitably back to Solo again. The whole place felt like him. "Solo n' I fought like mad at that age." Heero thumbed the bar, clearly nervous for some reason, looking down at them until the cart disappeared from view. "I was supposed to have a third," he started and Duo blinked, curious as to why Heero was divulging something as personal as that. "What happened?" Duo asked quietly after a long, uncomfortable pause. "After Olivia was born, things were great between my ex and I for a while. There's a kind of post-baby euphoria, you just..." Heero stopped as if he didn't really want to explore that train of thought fully. "I didn't think much about having another one until Relena was pregnant again. I - At that point I began to finally admit to myself about..." He made a vague gesture with his hands that Duo took to mean his homosexuality. Words weren't his strong point, at least not when they weren't technical, and Duo forgave him and didn't interrupt. "We were fighting all the time. She was so excited but I was terrified. How could I bring another child into this situation where I..." He stopped and swallowed, restarted again. "I got a vasectomy without consulting her." Duo's eyes widened as he stared at Heero. He felt like he knew what was coming but he didn't want to offer, didn't want to guess. He wanted to hold Heero's hand but as the ferris wheel descended again he couldn't risk it with the kids behind him and his hands tightened reflexively on the bar instead. "She miscarried at ten weeks. Apparently that's somewhat common, I'm not sure. I... I was so relieved." Heero stared at his feet but kept talking. "She desperately wanted to get pregnant again. We tried for a few years even as the fighting intensified and I didn't understand how she could want that. She even underwent fertility testing, afraid the miscarriage affected her. Obviously she wanted me to go too but... When I finally told her about the vasectomy, the divorce papers were in my hand within the week." Duo grimaced. He couldn't really blame her in the situation, but then he also felt for Heero. Coming to terms with his sexuality in the middle of an already tense marriage... Duo's own experience in long term relationships was basically non-existent so what did he know? The longest he'd managed was a year and a half and that only lasted as long as it did because he was fucked out of his mind most of the time. "I always figured it was, you know, you being gay that broke you up," Duo admitted, though he supposed that was the most straightforward assumption. "Obviously it was a background factor but I managed in that marriage for years knowing I wasn't attracted to her." He shrugged, looking so much older in his defeat than he actually was. "I could've stayed a few years more." "Wow," Duo muttered, unsure what to say to that. He was always so forward about what he wanted, how he felt - hell it got him kicked out of his house and he still would've made the same decision even after everything because it was who he was. He couldn't imagine himself staying in a situation like that, lying about who he was like that, and he didn't understand how Heero could. "I know what I did was wrong," Heero said, finally turning his eyes up to look at Duo, his hurt painfully obvious. "But I don't regret it." Duo set his hand on the seat and stretched his fingers towards Heero, trying to offer him some level of comfort despite the situation they were in where he couldn't hold his hand or show him any affection whatsoever. Heero stared down at it curiously a moment before he placed his own hand on the seat, mimicked his fingers so just the very tips were touching, the most imperceptible touch they could manage. Duo beamed at him, watched as his hair shifted over his eyes in the breeze, backlit by the crazy multi-colored lights of the fair below, and those so damn kissable lips parted ever so slightly. The sexual tension between them in that moment was palpable and it took every ounce of Duo's restraint not to just say fuck it and lock their lips, thoroughly explore every inch of Heero's mouth. Thankfully the ferris wheel began to move again and the rocking motion distracted them, the moment fading fast. At least Duo was beginning to understand why Heero didn't want to deal with commitments, with other people's emotions - why his relationship with his ex was so strained, way beyond any kind of jealousy over him leaving her to fuck around with guys. Part of him was forced to wonder what Heero would lie to him about to avoid having to confront him - but he banished the thought. Even a year with Heero seemed optimistic, frankly, seeing as the guy clearly had issues that Duo knew he could never fix. Whatever lie would tear them apart would come up sooner or later but it would never be twelve years into a marriage. He managed a smile as they got off and began meandering through the rigged games and wild lights to the exit, the last ride of the night always filling him with a sad sort of longing to never leave that joyous carnival atmosphere. And depression swept through him fast and hard as he thought about Solo and how alive he seemed here, in Duo's memory - a memory that supplied him with images of Helen and Ben walking hand in hand in front of them to the car, making him wonder how Olivia and Thomas felt about their parents divorce, if they wouldn't have wanted Heero to stick it out despite being gay so that they could still have a family. As he stared at the back of Heero's head his heart began to feel heavy because he realized that it didn't matter how long they were together, he would always be an interloper, an outsider. He could never really be part of this family. Helen was right. He was just a dumb kid that Heero was fucking around with because he was hot and the fact that he was nice to his kids was convenient but not anything Heero had been looking for when they met. He was just being stupid to think of any of Heero's actions up to that point as indicative of any long-term intent. Despite the cavalier way he might have acted, Duo still thought one day he'd find "the guy" and they'd settle down together or whatever and so he was forced to wonder if he wasn't just wasting a lot of time here. He wondered if Heero would ever fall in love with anyone again. If Heero had ever been in love with his ex or if he even knew what love was. But as Heero gathered Olivia up in his arms at the gates he realized that wasn't quite fair - Heero obviously loved his children. And watching as he buried his nose in her hair, kissing her head made him smile a little and for some reason he thought about Treize's astral charts and despite not buying into it anymore, he realized that true to Heero's scorpion nature he would carry out any mission he undertook with the utmost dedication. It certainly explained why he stayed in a loveless relationship for so long. But then Duo didn't want to be a mission to Heero. He wanted to be a partner. Both Thomas and Olivia fell asleep in the car and the ride was uncomfortably silent as Duo was left to his myriad of unpleasant thoughts. He was glad when they finally pulled up to Heero's house and he was able to escape back into the familiar territory of his own car. "Wait a minute?" Heero asked as he opened the door and Duo nodded reluctantly, fishing his keys out of his pocket and climbing into his own car as Heero ushered the kids inside. He didn't have to wait long before Heero was hopping down the porch stairs and sliding into the passenger side. Duo rose a curious eyebrow and looked at him. Heero threw an uncomfortable glance over his shoulder before meeting his gaze, lifting his hands to the back of his neck, and dragging Duo into a soul-sucking kiss. Shock quickly dissipated into compliance as he let Heero rove his mouth, unable to even believe the butterflies that still fluttered in his stomach every time Heero kissed him like this, with so much intensity it made him weak. Not for the first time he wondered why he had to be so drawn to this guy. Why couldn't he have felt this way with any of the guys his age without kids and ex-wives and complicated pasts? Heero parted just slightly to speak, his lips still pressed against Duo's as he whispered, breathless. "You make me feel so..." "Hard?" Duo offered with a teasing kiss, fingers reaching his knee and he felt Heero shiver. "Horny?" he continued, hand sliding a little higher and Heero gasped, fingers clutching his thin shirt desperately. "Young," Heero answered, sealing their lips together again before Duo could pull away but his mouth slackened, wondering what that meant, wondering if it was only confirmation that Helen was right, that he was being used. Heero sensed his discomfort and backed up so they could meet each other's eyes once more. "I just mean you..." He released Duo's shirt and backed further away, a move Duo was beginning to peg as a way of protecting himself. "You make me want to make out all night the way I never did at sixteen." A burst of sympathy flooded through Duo as he observed the vulnerability and uncertainty written all over Heero's face and he reached out, stroked his hand across Heero's cheek to the back of his head and pulled him forward. "Then let's make out." In what felt like mere moments the car was too hot and Duo was panting, trying to get closer, running his hands through Heero's messy hair and holding him close, forgiving him every transgression, incentivized by desire. And Heero's hands were on his back and his shoulders, pulling him in, feeling as though they were begging his forgiveness. They were merged together, so much like his own first real kiss at sixteen, hiding in the back seat of Mitch's car. Maybe it was okay to want to feel young again. He certainly couldn't complain about the feeling humming through his veins at that moment. "Have to go," Heero muttered as their heads shifted against one another in the brief separation of lips and tongues. "I know," Duo replied, finding it difficult to pull away. He was in deep with Heero, even if he didn't want to be, there was no denying it. It didn't matter what he thought, it didn't matter what the truth was, there was no way his heart wasn't going to be broken. It was too late. "Want you," Heero growled and the lust-laced words went straight to Duo's already hard dick, making him moan helplessly. "Let me blow you," he begged and Heero legitimately whined at that, a pathetic mewling sound that almost made Duo laugh. Talk about feeling sixteen. "I can't." His tone was obviously pained as he pulled away and Duo caught his breath, watching Heero palm himself through his pants, rocking his hips slightly, making Duo feel horny as hell himself. "Monday?" "Fuck, no, had to switch shifts," Duo explained shortly and Heero threw himself back in his seat petulantly. Then Duo really did laugh. "You're a big boy - just go take a warm shower and jerk off." "But - you -" he started and stopped, threw his hands through his hair in aggravation. "Fuck her." The mutter was so low Duo almost missed it and although he was intensely curious, he chose not to ask. This ending was good, better than he could've hoped for. There was no need to spoil it by returning to dark, uncomfortable thoughts. "Thanks," he said as Heero's hand popped the door handle. Heero looked back at him, unsure. "You did me a favor," he answered simply, clearly confused. "For telling me, you know, stuff," Duo explained, feeling awkward and suddenly shy as Heero stared at the door handle in embarrassment. "I'm sure I'll regret it," was all he said before he left the car - but Duo knew he didn't intend it the cruel way it came out and simply let it drop. He followed Heero with his eyes, watched as he entered that quaint suburban house and closed the door behind him, shuttering himself up in a life Duo wasn't quite sure Heero ever really wanted. ~ * ~ |
