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"Hard to Say"Written By: ELLE Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam
Wing (unfortunately) and they were used without permission, but all
the words are my own. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: modern
day AU, cursing, light drug use, angst and feels, explicit sexual
situations, homophobia Pairings: 1x2x1,
past 1xR, current 4xR, Summary: Heero is a divorced dad with two kids and Duo is his younger fling that is quickly turning into something more despite his best effort to stop it. Author's Notes: I said I'd never write a fic like this and yet, here one is. The Duo in this fic is a bit of homage to a woman who made my life much easier than she had any obligation to when I was a child and who was taken from me by abject selfishness later in my life. That said, this isn't intended to be very autobiographical so don't read too much into that. In this fic I'm really focusing on the nature of different kinds of relationships and the effect of conversation and the things left unsaid so it's slower paced and perhaps a bit more subtle than some of my other work. I've debated intensely for over a year whether this was even worth finishing and posting so I'm not expecting this to be everyone's cup of tea. In fact it's currently unfinished because I'm struggling to complete the last chapter for a variety of stupid reasons. I'm hoping just posting this will give me the motivation I need to do so but we'll see.
"Hard to Say "
TWO The first thing Duo noticed was how shabby the lawn looked. It was kind of a silly thing to pick out, but then for as long as he remembered it had been treated with the utmost care, pruned immaculately, and seeing the lawn in the shape it was now told him more than anything else ever could about the state of affairs within the house. It had been over a month since he'd been home and the thought made him groan inwardly. But it was difficult to juggle school and work and a sudden and very demanding sex life. He made a mental note not to use that as an excuse to Helen. "Anybody home?" Duo called as he entered the foyer and Helen rushed in from the kitchen, throwing her arms around him for a moment. Her eyes shone when she looked up at him and the guilt he felt made his chest tighten horribly. "I didn't expect you," she said, refusing to remove her hands from his shoulders and neck, holding on to him like a lifeline. "But I'm so glad you came." "Of course I came," he answered, feeling defensive and trying not to turn away. Her look was worse than Heero's - more penetrating, more intense. "I meant to come sooner, but you know - school, work... I met a guy..." Helen laughed then, beckoning him to follow her back into the kitchen where bowls and vegetables were spread across the counter as she prepped chicken salad. "You've always 'met a guy,'" she admonished lovingly and he sighed and leaned against the counter, watching her chop celery and onion with practiced ease. "Yeah, I guess, but this one's different, I don't know. He's older." Duo hadn't intended to start rambling this way but then that was always the way it was with her - he couldn't help himself. He supposed that was how it was supposed to be with your parents. She lifted an eyebrow and glanced up at him from her work. "Older, hmm?" "Yeah, you know, more mature, or whatever." He knew that sounded lame but then he didn't really want to divulge everything about Heero, afraid that his own hopes and fears would come tumbling right out of his mouth if he did and they were really nothing Helen should concern herself with when she had so much more on her plate. "You don't sound too confident about this," she observed without looking up, sliding the vegetables into a large bowl with the chicken. Duo scratched at the back of his neck self-consciously. "I guess I don't really know what he sees in me," he admitted, almost instantly regretting the words because he kinda did know what Heero saw in him - or at least he had a guess - and it was nothing he wanted to tell his mother. "I'm guessing he's quite a bit older, then," she said without condemnation as she moved to clean the herbs. Duo was grateful she didn't look up. He didn't know how she could divine such information simply from his awkward words and posturing. "Twelve years," Duo confessed, biting his lip nervously. "Hmmm," she murmured as she plucked leaves from stalks. "He probably sees something fun, something young." Helen glanced over at him quickly, pinning him with a knowing look that made him blush furiously. "Something hot." "Helen," he pleaded and she grabbed salt and pepper, turning back to her work. "It's the truth," she warned seriously. "He may try to take advantage of you." Duo rolled his eyes. As if he had anything to take advantage of. He was basically broke and had nothing worth having. Heero laid the whole thing out for him the day they met and Duo was under no illusions about what kind of relationship Heero was looking for. If Duo wanted out, he could just say so. "Seriously." She frowned, getting some mayonnaise and lemon juice from the fridge, looking at him once more. "You have a good heart. It's an easy thing to take advantage of." "Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure he's not doing that," Duo muttered. He wanted to add that Heero wasn't real big on emotional intimacy, but as soon as he opened his mouth he locked it shut again, realizing that wouldn't exactly help prove his point at all - supposed it would only support hers. "You're a big boy now, Duo," she concluded with an easy smile. "You can take care of yourself. Not like you ever listened to me anyway. Neither of you boys did." Duo sighed at the familiar speech but smiled anyway as he set plates on the table. He tried not to notice the stack of bills as he moved them to the office, but he didn't have to riffle through them to know exactly what they said and exactly what they meant. "Would you get your brother?" Helen called to him as he set the bills on top of an even larger stack on the computer desk, glad for the distraction despite not really wanting to see his brother at all. The conflict he felt was intense as he wandered down the hall, a hall he'd walked so many times, pictures of their lives in chronological order on the wall as he went. He offered them barely a glance but then he knew them so well his mind filled in every detail as if he had studied them at length. Baseball, football, more than one Christmas, family reunions, senior portraits - all the highlights, none of the shit. He knocked gently on Solo's door, hoping he wasn't going to wake him, and felt relief when he heard Solo's voice call back to come in. Slowly he turned the knob and stepped inside, overwhelmed by how exhausted and just plain shitty Solo looked. But Duo supposed that's what lymphoma did to a person. "Hey little brother," Solo offered optimistically as Duo crossed the room to his bed, sitting down next to him as his feet hit the floor cautiously, clearly feeling weak and unsteady. He never called Solo his brother - at least not to his face anyway - but Solo always had. It suddenly made him incredibly uncomfortable. "Hey man." He ran his fingers through shaggy sandy hair, not feeling much like the younger brother then. "Sorry it's been a while. I guess you started chemo?" "Finally, yeah." They shared an awkward smile. "Guess that fuckin' sucks, huh?" "Yeah," Solo admitted, laughing. "Like you wouldn't believe." Duo wanted to say something as he stared into soft blue eyes - but he didn't know what. We'll figure this out. It'll be okay. Just hang in there. None of those things were true and Solo had to know it. So he kept his mouth shut, tried not to betray his own fear, tried to offer him some level of comfort with his own eyes but he felt like he was failing. There was nothing he could do, nothing anyone could do now. He knew Helen chose to pray, but that felt like a lie more than anything else. "I guess Helen wants us to have lunch," Duo said at last, feeling ashamed that he found relief in breaking eye contact. Solo just nodded and Duo helped him up, wandering back together though that hall of memories that seemed distorted now. Or maybe it wasn't the pictures that were distorted, it was just them, turned into something tragic and horrific, like a bad funhouse mirror. Neither of them held the promise of a bright future any longer. It was probably better that the pictures ended after high school. They sat down to eat and Solo made light of the whole situation as he took small bites of everything. It was obvious to Duo that he didn't really feel like eating at all, instead throwing himself into describing the different nurses at the hospital - complete with a play by play description of which ones flirted with him and exactly what their dimensions were. Duo knew it for what it was - optimistic posturing. But somehow, sliding so easily from Solo's lips, it didn't sound so much like a lie. Instead, Duo found himself grinning, wishing it were true, wishing Solo could slip those girls his number and get a callback, but still sobered by the reality that they saw one too many guys like him cross through those doors only to die in six, nine, twelve months time. In return, Duo discreetly sidestepped his personal life and instead talked about his classes, his impending graduation and certification, his potential for employment. But after about an hour it was clear Solo was exhausted and they let him retreat back to his room. Duo helped Helen clean the kitchen, wrapping a sandwich for Duo to take to Ben at the gas station down the street. For a moment he thought he'd ask if she was really okay... but then he already knew the answer. She hadn't been okay for a long time. "I'll be back soon - okay?" He hugged her tightly before he left and she nodded into his shoulder. "He's tired, but you know, he appreciates seeing you so much..." He heard the tears in her voice and selfishly hoped she wouldn't start crying. "I know." Duo tried to bolster her with a sympathetic tone but he knew his words meant nothing. He had been a shit son recently because he knew for a long time what he had to do. But he'd been putting it off, scared of what it meant, trying to avoid reality, trying to avoid responsibility. He was sick of being the reject kid that had to step up when shit got rough when he knew from experience that jack shit would be done for him if the situation were reversed - but still. Seeing Solo like that... It hurt. And he knew he couldn't be selfish any longer. Not when Solo had to endure so much. Solo, at least, had always pulled through for him. He owed him. "I'll be around more. I promise." She pulled away from him, looked him in the eyes, noted his sincerity and nodded. "We'd all really appreciate it." He knew that wasn't quite true but didn't want to call her out on it so he took the sandwich in a brown paper bag with a can of Coke and left. When he got to his car he wrote a check out in the amount of his rent, filing in the reminder line with the one-word question - 'Rent?' - and slid it into the bag, driving down to the gas station where his adoptive father worked his part-time job. The bell over the door rang and he plastered a big smile on his face to hide how difficult the visit to the house had been. He never liked to show any kind of weakness to Ben. The two years they didn't speak after he came out was enough to teach him that certain things were better left unsaid between them. "Hey," he greeted with a casual wave, throwing Ben the Coke, which he caught easily from behind the counter. "Duo." His eyes were hard, downtrodden, beaten into a deep depression after years of dealing with shitty sons with differing illness that not even God could cure, apparently. "Helen wanted to make sure you ate," Duo explained, handing over the brown paper bag, hoping his father would wait until he left before opening it and finding the check. He wasn't sure if he would be pleased or upset - their relationship wasn't that straightforward. On the one hand Duo would be doing his duty to his family but on the other he would be bringing sin under his roof once more. "Surprised you showed up," he said, voice leaving no question of his disappointment in the blunt statement. "Been busy," Duo returned, keeping his statements equally short. There was no need for an explanation - despite his good book, Ben never offered him any forgiveness. "Well." Ben popped the tab on the can, took a sip, and waited for Duo to say something else - but Duo didn't really have anything else to say. "Yeah," he answered, wiping sweaty palms on his jeans. "I'll see ya 'round, I guess." Ben nodded and Duo tipped his head. It was the most conversation he could have hoped for, the most they'd had in months. For a minute he wondered what the hell he was thinking - moving back into that house would be horrible, just as it was before he left. But then he thought of Helen, how alone she must feel, how Solo smiled at him and acted like things were normal, how much good he could do if he were there for them... and it made living with Ben again almost seem like it would be worth it. By the time he was back on the highway, he was emotionally exhausted and his anxiety reached an all time high as he thought about Solo and that stack of bills and the stupid lawn and all those family portraits and the whole fucked up idea of moving back in. Originally he agreed to go over to Heero's that night as Heero had offered to cook for him after quite a bit of wheedling on Duo's part, but as much as he would've liked some kind of physical intimacy, he knew Heero couldn't offer him what he wanted. He wanted a hug and someone to vent to - and that wasn't their relationship at all. Most the time he didn't even want it to be, but right then... He just knew couldn't walk into Heero's house with a smile, pretending that everything was okay, and then fuck him like he wasn't drowning in his own dark thoughts. Although in their two months of mutual fucking around neither one had ever backed out on the other, Duo was about to do it. And though it didn't do anything for his anxiety if he thought about it too hard, when he got into his apartment he opened his phone and did just that with a simple text message and hoped Heero understood. "Sorry man - I have to cancel. Just not feeling up to it." He stared at his rinky-dink living space, a shitty little one bedroom with not much more than a bed, a couch, his textbooks and a handful of paperbacks on a bookshelf, and a wide variety of thrift store clothes. Things might've been different if he hadn't been forced to move out at eighteen, forced to get a job to pay rent, forced to make some shitty mistakes because he'd had no help and no support - but at least it wouldn't be difficult to pack everything up. His phone vibrated. He pulled it out to see, as he expected, a text from Heero. "?" Duo tried not to be pissed about the singular symbol, not sure if it was a product of Heero being nearly forty and out of touch or if it was just because he was a man of very few words to begin with. "Just feel shitty. Went home. It was a mistake. I'll see you tomorrow or whatever." With a huge sigh he stalked to the bedroom, pulling everything out of his closet in frustration. He knew it could be days before Ben gave him the okay to move back in - likely in the form of a cashed check, not actual words because fuck knew Ben couldn't just call him up and talk to him about it - but he also knew the likelihood of Ben being able to turn down the offer, whether he actually wanted Duo there or not, was low. He pulled out his phone when he felt it vibrate for the second time, glaring at the screen. Heero, again. "Have you eaten?" "Lunch," he typed back sarcastically. Then he thought better of it and added in another message, "Yeah, I got it. I'll talk to you in a few days." Duo hoped that would dissuade any more messages. He stared at the pile of clothes on the floor and growled, kicking them across the room before storming into the kitchen, slamming open his freezer and dragging out the bottle of vodka he kept there. The first hit was cold and he winced at the burn as it slid down his throat. He didn't really intend to get trashed - he tried to be careful about it these days - but he just needed something. He went back to the bedroom with the bottle in hand and began folding clothes and stacking them, careful to keep his sexy shit out for work, until he lost all track of time. Eventually he recognized he was a bit too tipsy to be doing anything effectively and he moved to the bookshelf in the living area, figuring that stacking square books shouldn't be that hard. But he spent an obsessively long time getting them in size order and had about half the case divested when he heard a knock on the door. No one knocked on his door. He stared at it like an apparition. Almost no one he knew had any idea where he lived. The errant thought that Ben had shown up at his apartment to confront him about the money had his heart pounding and slowly he crossed the room as if he were on his way to the gallows. So when he saw Heero standing there with a plastic grocery bag, a paper bag sporting the Wendy's logo across it, and a dozen roses, he found himself laughing - pleasantly shocked and surprised. Heero, however, seemed incredibly nervous and Duo wasn't so drunk he didn't realize his laughter probably wasn't helping so he stifled it behind his hand. "I've never done this for a guy before," Heero muttered as Duo let him in, inspecting the bags to find burgers, fries, and cheesecake. "I can tell," Duo teased as he took the flowers. But it also filled him with a sense of warmth as he stared at the delicate roses in his hand. It was a little bit difficult to believe that in the four years Heero had been divorced, Duo was the first guy he ever tried to comfort. However when he thought about the kind of guy Heero was, it also wasn't particularly surprising, and he wondered how many other guys had even made it past the one month mark with him. "Or maybe I've just had shitty boyfriends," Duo added quickly. "But I've never gotten flowers before." Heero appraised the stacks of books with obvious curiosity that dissipated the moment Duo retrieved the bottle of liquor. But he didn't bother to explain, he just grabbed the food and flopped down on the couch, patting it in invitation for Heero to join him. "You didn't have to do this - I woulda been okay." Heero helped himself to a glass of water and joined him on the couch, claiming one of the burgers for himself. "No," Heero disagreed and Duo stared. Was Heero really trying to argue with him when he was clearly trying to pretend like everything was fine? Didn't he know you didn't do that? "You're never that dismissive. Something is wrong." "I'm plenty dismissive," Duo argued, more for the sake of arguing than anything else, and Heero shook his head curtly. "No, you're not. You're blunt. I like that." Duo stared again, bottle of vodka falling from his lips. Heero never used those words to describe him, never told him what he liked. Even during sex Duo picked up all of Heero's cues by himself, learned what Heero liked from his own experienced hand. "So what's wrong?" Duo stared at the burger for a minute. This wasn't really their relationship. They fucked. They talked about aerodynamics a bit, planes, programming, mechanical systems and engineering, ignorant assholes at work and school, but not feelings. Heero didn't even know that he had a brother or that he was adopted or... well, Heero didn't really know anything about him. And while he had thought he wanted this, he now kinda understood why Heero hadn't encouraged it before. It seemed strange and awkward and he wasn't sure exactly what to say. "You got a while?" he asked with a dry chuckle, clearly giving Heero an out if he wasn't sure he really wanted to go there. Just because Duo spent the night with his kids once and bought them frozen pizza didn't mean their whole relationship had to change. He was used to dealing with shit on his own. And this - there was nothing Heero could do about it anyway. "All night," Heero replied simply, not looking up at him but clearly ready to listen. Duo sighed and set down the bottle. "I was adopted," he began wearily. "So was my brother Solo." And from there he spun the tale of how they discovered Solo had non-Hodgkins lymphoma, how he managed it for so long until he was too sick to work and had no insurance and sure, there was COBRA but he couldn't afford it and it took so long to get on Medicaid, but then there were so many out of pocket expenses and it just snowballed into where they were now. "He's finally qualified for chemo," Duo finished, starting in on the cheesecake, stupidly grateful for the dessert as he drowned his sorrow in it. "But fuck that stuff is expensive and Medicaid only pays so much." Heero had shifted after eating so that he was able to watch him speak, one arm thrown over the back of the couch, and now his fingers slid down to Duo's shoulder, stroking it gently. The simple touch made Duo want to lean into the other man, warmth spreading through him quicker than the alcohol had, but he held his distance. Heero had never touched him like that before, sympathetically, in a non-sexual way, and he wasn't going to push it. "Anyway, I'm probably going to end up moving back in to help out Helen and all. That's what the books are about," he explained, pointing to the pile with a sad laugh. "Guess that was stupid but I wasn't really thinking. Anyway I don't really want to do it, but they need the money. Ben's got a second job but they're probably going to lose the house without some help." "I'm sorry," Heero offered and Duo shrugged a bit. "It is what it is." He looked up at Heero, hesitant, wishing for a moment that he could just reach out and hold his hand. "I - I don't want it to change anything between us." "No," Heero was quick to reply. "Only you and I can decide that." Duo smiled then and scooted a little closer, unable to help himself, desperately wanting physical affection. Heero's hand moved to his other shoulder, almost a hug as Duo polished off the cheesecake. "Thanks," he said after a moment, setting down the plastic container and fork, turning his full attention to Heero. "You didn't have to do this and I really do appreciate it. I don't really have anyone, you know? Kinda used to being on my own." He shrugged a little and offered a self-deprecating grin to hide his neediness. But Heero nodded as though he saw right through it, tightened his arm around Duo's neck, and pulled him into a kiss that was surprisingly gentle despite the rough way he brought him into it. Duo let himself fall headfirst into that kiss - feeling so damn good to be wrapped up in his arms. There was no urgency to the kiss, no pressure - it was just the affection he needed packaged in a method Heero was capable of giving. Inevitably however his lips began trailing down Duo's neck, lavishing attention on his collarbones, tongue teasing his skin, and Duo sighed. It felt wonderful, Heero's open mouth traversing his flesh, but he knew for a fact his head was so not in the right place for that right now. Reluctantly he tried to push him away. "Heero -" "Shhh," he breathed back, shifting and putting a firm hand on his chest, pressing him back into the couch. His hands shifted down Duo's sides as he knelt before the couch, spreading Duo's legs with little resistance. Duo's breath caught in his chest. He couldn't exactly pretend he wasn't turned on - because he clearly was - but really he just wanted to maintain the illusion that Heero had come there for something more than sex. That he was genuinely worried. That his offering of flowers and dinner was sincere. But when Heero put his hand on Duo's belt buckle and looked up at him there was something in his eyes, something soft and something like a question, and Duo bit his lip, his hands finding their way to the back of Heero's neck. "Let me," Heero murmured as he undid the belt buckle, the button, the zipper and Duo realized as Heero worked him over slowly that this was the same thing, a method of offering the affection he craved in a way that Heero understood. "Fuck 'Ro," he groaned, fingers in his hair, slumping back on the couch and just letting the experience happen. It's not as if Heero never blew him - he knew intimately how damn good he was at blow jobs. In fact he found himself continually amazed that an older guy would be so into sixty-nine. But he never blew him without any expectation of having the favor returned. Their whole relationship was based on mutual satisfaction - and this was different. Duo knew that this was about him and he knew Heero was trying to bridge a gap between them that he likely hadn't tried to bridge with anyone in years. The combination of orgasm, sugar, and alcohol - not to mention the affectionate foreplay - left Duo feeling ten times better than he did an hour ago and he smiled lazily down at Heero as he wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, eyes meeting for a moment. Duo let his hands slide out of Heero's hair and rested them on his knees as Heero sat back on the couch, picking up his glass of water casually and taking a sip. Duo took a shot from the bottle of vodka and zipped up his pants. They sat in a somewhat uncomfortable silence for a few minutes before Heero set the glass down and looked at him, appraising his condition. "Well..." "Are you gonna stay?" Duo asked suddenly, afraid of the answer, but more afraid of him leaving. Heero's mouth opened like he was going to say something and then paused. Their eyes met again. Duo's brain felt fuzzy and he just... He just wanted him to stay. "Okay," Heero agreed with a little hesitance but Duo couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as he scooted closer and laid his head on Heero's shoulder. Heero stiffened a little, clearly uncomfortable, but then Duo felt him work to relax, his hand reaching out carefully to grasp Duo's fingers in his own. "Thanks," he murmured, closing his eyes. He knew it was stupid to think that Heero would be some kind of companion, some kind of boyfriend - just testing the word out in his head was comical and he chuckled a little in the back of his throat. But even though he was used to being on his own, he just really didn't want to have to do this shit alone any more. ~ * ~ |
