|
"Hard to Say"Written By: ELLE Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam
Wing (unfortunately) and they were used without permission, but all
the words are my own. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: modern
day AU, cursing, light drug use, angst and feels, explicit sexual
situations, homophobia Pairings: 1x2x1,
past 1xR, current 4xR, Summary: Heero is a divorced dad with two kids and Duo is his younger fling that is quickly turning into something more despite his best effort to stop it. Author's Notes: I said I'd never write a fic like this and yet, here one is. The Duo in this fic is a bit of homage to a woman who made my life much easier than she had any obligation to when I was a child and who was taken from me by abject selfishness later in my life. That said, this isn't intended to be very autobiographical so don't read too much into that. In this fic I'm really focusing on the nature of different kinds of relationships and the effect of conversation and the things left unsaid so it's slower paced and perhaps a bit more subtle than some of my other work. I've debated intensely for over a year whether this was even worth finishing and posting so I'm not expecting this to be everyone's cup of tea. In fact it's currently unfinished because I'm struggling to complete the last chapter for a variety of stupid reasons. I'm hoping just posting this will give me the motivation I need to do so but we'll see.
"Hard to Say "
It's
hard to say what it is I see in you - Sister Hazel, It's All For You ONE Duo sauntered up to the quaint suburban two-story that still seemed so out of step with who he thought of Heero as and knocked on the door with his typical self-confident flair. While he wasn't used to having to take a lot of initiative to keep a man, Heero was a far cry from the men he typically dated, and he knew Heero would require a different approach if he wanted to be more than a hot, young fuck for the older man. And despite all logic and common sense, he was coming to find that he did want that - even considering the initial terms of their arrangement. He heard muffled voices and shuffling behind the door and he grinned, thinking of how surprised, how appreciative Heero would be that Duo willingly went out of his way to get to know the family that he hid away so well. Sure it was probably safe to assume no one would ever want to be with a guy approaching forty and saddled by two kids from a previous marriage - but that didn't really matter to Duo. And what better way to prove to Heero that he wanted to be a genuine part of his life than to volunteer to hang out with his kids - right? Seemed like a fool-proof plan to him. So when the door opened and he was faced with the full force of Heero's most aggressive glare, to say he was surprised would've been an understatement. "What are you doing here?" Sure, he'd only known Heero for two months, but they'd seen each other almost every night - well, not on the nights and weekends Heero had his kids, of course, but still. It was an unexpectedly harsh greeting considering their level of involvement with one another and Duo blinked, taken aback, and he shrugged a little, confidence wavering. "I wanted to see you." "You can't just show up here," Heero practically growled, his irritation obvious. "You know I have my kids tonight." "I brought movies, pizza, and ice cream," Duo offered carefully, feeling like he might be making a big, big mistake all of a sudden and not really sure why. The way Heero looked at him made him feel like an irritation, an inconvenience, and at that moment the allure of dating an older man fell flat and the whole thing seemed more confusing than sexy. "I don't just let strange men around my children." Duo's mouth fell open at the harsh insinuation. Strange men? His hackles rose in defense. Surely Heero wasn't implying that he wasn't good enough to introduce to his children - was he? That he wasn't fit to be any meaningful part of his life? It hurt, really, to be thought so little of when he knew he was a good person and only came here with the best of intentions. "Well excuse me - I was just -" "You don't have kids," Heero cut him off. "You can't understand." Duo's brows narrowed together. "Fair enough but -" "Leave." Duo's irritation reached an all time high at not only the singular command but also at not being allowed to finish a damn sentence but then Heero's face twisted for just a moment into something like pain and Duo's anger fell away. It was then he remembered why his heart was becoming so heavily invested in this cold, aloof, pain in the ass. "Please?" Duo sighed. He wanted to reach out and hold his hand a minute - but he didn't - knew Heero wouldn't appreciate the gesture. He wanted to lean forward and kiss him, let him know that he might not understand, but that he would respect his wishes - but he didn't - knew Heero would be furious if his kids happened to see that. "Well, guess I'm gonna go watch dumb kid flicks while eating two frozen pizzas and four pints of ice cream by myself so when I'm spending hours at the gym next week instead of with you, you'll know why," he offered with a small smile to ease the tension, shifting the grocery bags in his hands and searching Heero's eyes for one quick moment, noting the longing, the regret. Duo frowned a little, unsure why it had to be this way but accepting that he wasn't the only one who wished it wasn't. "Daddy?" Heero's grip tightened on the doorknob and his face contorted into a grimace. Duo stepped away as Heero turned his back to him, trying to use his body to block Duo from sight but for one moment inquisitive blue eyes met his and Duo's own instantly hit the porch, a blush covering his face. He understood then that he shouldn't have come here. This was personal. These were Heero's kids. They were just fucking and yeah, Duo was into him, he cared about him, in a fucked up way, maybe, but... but this was his life and suddenly it did seem like a damn big step to think he would ever be a part of that. "It's no one," Heero told his little girl in a soft and gentle tone of voice that Duo had never heard before but she could clearly see that wasn't the case. So he took another step back. "I should go," he announced to no one, wishing fervently that he had never been stupid enough to make this mistake in the first place and praying to a deity that had long since abandoned him to remove him from this porch as quickly as possible. "But you never have friends over, daddy," Duo heard her say and he froze even as he was mid-turn to the steps, too curious about what Heero would say in response to that to move. What was that about a cat and curiosity, again? Duo supposed his life was proof enough he never understood that saying anyway. "I - well... He's just..." Heero sputtered and Duo bit back a laugh at hearing him flustered. Maybe that made this mistake worth it, he thought. "Yeah, dad, we worry that you're lonely out here," a boy's voice admonished and Duo's heart squeezed in his chest at the simple sincerity of that statement. "You should invite him in." And just like that, the door was suddenly flung open, no longer in Heero's control, and they turned to face each other once more, slowly, like in some romantic comedy and Duo wanted to laugh again, but he didn't. Instead, he stared at the two children flanking Heero. The boy, dark haired and fair, the very image of Heero, standing nearly as tall as his father's chest with curious wide blue eyes appraising every inch of Duo carefully and the little girl holding her father's hand in a tight grip, light haired and innocent, leaning into his hip. "I brought pizza?" Duo offered anxiously, holding up one of the bags like a sacrificial offering or something and the boy smiled. "Cool!" he enthused and stepped forward onto the porch, sticking out a confident hand. "I'm Thomas." Duo moved forward and clasped hands with him awkwardly as plastic bags dug into his wrists. "Duo." "Pleased to meet you," he said and Duo couldn't help but smirk. Thomas sure didn't get any of his father's antisocial tendencies despite the physical similarity. "Likewise," Duo answered politely. "And my little sister's name is Olivia. She's shy," he explained and Duo's eyes met hers for a moment but she leaned in closer to Heero and blushed slightly, a small hand coming up to wave at him. He wiggled his fingers back at her and she smiled. "You have to excuse my dad," Thomas continued, shaking his head as if Heero was the child and he the parent, apologizing for his son's poor behavior. "He's shy too." Duo grinned as Heero capitulated with a scowl and moved away from the door to allow him into the house. "Yeah, I kinda got that impression," Duo told Thomas as he put the bags down on the solid, wooden butcher block in what was likely the nicest kitchen he'd ever been in - all granite countertops and solid oak cabinets - and unpacked them, little eyes happily assessing his offerings as Heero began preheating the oven. "Dad never gives us pizza for dinner," Thomas pointed out and Duo chuckled as Heero crossed his arms over his chest. "There's a reason for that," Heero retorted huffily. "I'm sorry. I would've brought something healthier if I had thought about it," Duo apologized, his eyes not leaving Heero's, hoping for forgiveness. "No." Heero's eyes softened just a little as they noted Duo's sincerity. "It's Saturday. Pizza and ice cream is fine." Thomas cracked a huge grin then and grabbed the movies Duo had picked, consulting his sister to decide which they wanted to watch first. Heero gazed at them with obvious affection for a moment and Duo couldn't help but feel a little warmth creep through his chest. Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea. It was kind of nice to see Heero so out of his depth like this - or at least, so unlike the front he tried to put up. The oven beeping broke Heero's concentration and they placed the pizzas in to cook. "Did you decide?" Duo asked as Heero fixed him a glass of water and they walked into the living room together, Olivia still plastered to his side. Thomas nodded and inserted his selection into the DVD player as they settled on the oversized plush couch, Duo taking a seat a respectful distance from Heero. Olivia situated herself between them, practically laying in Heero's lap while Thomas pulled up a bean bag chair and snagged the remote, sitting in front of them. "Your dad has an amazing TV, huh?" Duo offered and Thomas shrugged. "Mom's is better." Duo's eyes widened as he stared at the colossal, high definition wide screen and couldn't really imagine anything better than that. Heero never talked about his ex, but maybe she was loaded. "You kids are spoiled," he teased. "I don't even have a TV! I just watch stuff on my computer." Thomas turned over and lay on his stomach, palms propping up his chin. "What do you do?" "You mean, like for work?" Duo asked, quickly trying to think of the best age appropriate way to explain his job as he didn't think any description including 'gay bar' was particularly appropriate. "I'm a waiter right now but I'm getting certified to become a plane mechanic." Thomas' eyes narrowed. "You want to fix planes?" Duo never realized a child's scrutiny could feel so judgmental, but then he wondered if maybe it was a bit because the kid had Heero's face and Heero was just about the king of scrutiny. "Uh, yeah, you know, it's cool to work on planes, make them safe so people can travel all over the world." "Dad fixes planes sometimes - right dad?" Heero nodded, fingers moving through Olivia's fair hair. "Right. Sometimes." "Is that how you met my dad?" Thomas' eyes were back to him and Duo tried not to squirm. "Not exactly," he admitted without offering further details on how Heero wandered into the gay bar where he worked and up to one of the high tops in his section, looking as uncomfortable as a whore at church. "But that's why we started talking." Also not a hundred percent true. Duo was pretty sure it had a lot more to do with the way his ass looked in those tight black jeans - although the mutual interest in aircraft did keep them talking long into the night. Thomas accepted the explanation, obviously bored with that line of inquiry, and turned around to start the movie instead. It wasn't long before the pizzas were done and Duo motioned to Heero that he should just stay there and he would get them. The fact of the matter was, he knew Heero's kitchen just about as well as he knew his bedroom ceiling and those were really the only two rooms in his house he knew with any certainty. He sliced the pizzas with the expertise of a guy who never really learned how to cook for himself and was setting out plates and glasses when he heard the movie pause in the living room and the other three came into the kitchen to join him. Thomas helped himself but Olivia came and stood before Duo with a hesitant look in her eyes. Duo leaned across the butcher block casually to bring himself closer to her level. "You have pretty hair," she said, her voice quiet and shy, and Duo grinned, pulling it over his shoulder to show her more closely. "Thanks!" He winked. "Your hair is pretty too." "I've never seen a boy with hair that long," she continued and Duo bit his lip on a laugh. He looked over to Heero who grunted and scowled. "Your uncle has long hair," he told her and Duo lifted a curious eyebrow. "Not like that," Thomas pointed out as he got himself a glass of milk. "Well, he did," Heero corrected, "when your mother and I got married." "I'd like to see a picture of that," Thomas answered skeptically, as if he was almost baiting his father, and even that made Duo want to laugh - it sounded exactly like something Heero would say himself. But then he looked back down to Olivia, who was standing patiently, waiting to reclaim his attention. "Will you do my hair like that?" she asked, a breathy kind of nervousness in her voice, and Duo smiled wide and nodded. "Of course!" He dug in his pocket for a hair tie and slid it around his wrist. "Get some pizza and once we get back to the living room you can sit in front of me and I'll braid it for ya." Suddenly both kids looked at Heero and so Duo found himself looking at Heero too, unsure why. "You can eat in the living room," Heero sighed and they both smiled at him while Duo kicked himself when he realized that once again he circumvented Heero's rules without even realizing it. Yet another reason he should've just let Heero introduce him to his family on his own time. But he didn't have long to dwell as there was a mad flurry of activity and they rushed to settle back in front of the TV before their dad could change his mind. Duo offered Heero a contrite look by way of apology and Heero waved an irritated hand to dismiss it. Olivia set her plate on the coffee table and sat down in front of Duo's knees while Thomas restarted the movie and Duo made short work of her hair. She stroked small fingers along the braid and beamed up at him in thanks before reclaiming her plate and sitting between her father and Duo a bit more confidently. Duo picked up the plates when they were finished and placed them in the dishwasher, wrapping up leftover pizza to put in the fridge. He wasn't much watching the movie anyway, his thoughts so thick in his head he could hardly piece them out and tackle them one at a time. As he stood in the doorway, watching the little family sitting together in the living room, he was torn between knowing he shouldn't have come and being unable to regret witnessing this. It was stupid to think about because he and Heero weren't any sort of item - they didn't go on dates or talk much at all really - but he knew at this point there were certain things he wanted in a partner and one of them was family. And maybe that's why he went after Heero, even knowing he was a divorcé with two kids to boot - because when he watched the gentle way he interacted with his children, Duo couldn't help but feel a little nostalgia for something he never really had. At least, not like this. He wandered back in as the movie wound to a close and Thomas immediately turned back to look at them, expectation written in his eyes. "Yes, you can have the ice cream," Heero concluded and Thomas cheered and ran back to the fridge to grab a pint. They followed him in, each selecting one for themselves, the Greek frozen yogurt Duo picked out for Heero unsurprisingly ending up in his possession. Heero looked at the label and looked up at him with a small, appreciative glance and that was just about all Duo needed to make the night a success. While he might've rather curled up on the couch next to Heero with a zombie flick or something on a normal Saturday night, sitting with a pint of Phish Food with his legs tucked up under him watching a dumb movie about one dog's great adventure with Heero on the other side of the couch and two kids in between wasn't really all that bad either. But as the kid's heads began to bob in exhaustion, Duo picked up the half finished ice cream to place back in the freezer. He noted Heero's eyes on him as he stood in the doorway and he made a walking motion with his fingers. Heero nodded and turned his attention back to Olivia, who at this point was curled up in his lap, fast asleep. Duo allowed himself one final glance before resigning himself to a grandiose apology Monday, and he snuck out the door into the early night. He hadn't heard from Heero Sunday, but then that wasn't uncommon, especially on weekends he had his children. But when he didn't get a single message during the day on Monday, he began to get worried that he really did fuck up irreparably and tried to figure out whether he should initiate contact or if it would even matter at all. Finally that night when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, he allowed himself to hope it was Heero. He silently cheered when he saw Heero's name on the screen and snuck back behind the bar where stared at the text message, wondering how he should respond. "We need to talk." Well, okay, that wasn't particularly encouraging but then it was probably fair. He typed out a quick reply. "At work. Had to switch shifts to get Saturday off. Call tonight?" Then he heard the unfortunate voice of his boss calling across the way that he'd be cut from the shift if he didn't get his ass back on the floor. Duo sighed. Monday shifts always sucked - it'd been a long time since he'd worked one anyway - and he wouldn't be surprised to get cut even without being caught slacking off. The business just wasn't there to support three waiters. But without another message and less than twenty minutes later, Heero was wandering through the doors and over to his section. He slid into a seat and Duo was glad he noticed Heero before Heero noticed him, despite his glancing around the bar in an attempt to determine Duo's whereabouts. Duo took a deep breath, prepared himself for everything he had to say, grabbed a bottle of Heero's favorite beer from the bar as a meek kind of peace offering, and walked over to approach the man he kind of expected to lose tonight. And truth be told he wasn't sure exactly why that bothered him as much but it did. "Look, before you start in on a lecture," Duo began as he leaned over the table, "I realize now what I did was wrong. It was an invasion of your personal space and your privacy. I totally didn't even think about the fact that you had rules I might be breaking with your kids and all and I just - I just shouldn't have done it. I know that now." Heero sighed and rolled the beer in his hands a moment, obviously considering Duo's apology. When he spoke, he didn't look up. "It's okay," Heero offered, slow and careful. "It went... well. It's just - a lot of guys I've been with since the divorce... I wouldn't want them to meet my children." Duo brushed his fingers against Heero's knuckles gently. "I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "I should've thought about it. I hope this doesn't -" "You have to understand," Heero interrupted, "that when this falls apart it'll be difficult enough for me to deal with. It'll be even worse for them if they get attached." "Shit man," Duo muttered, removing his hand as he stood up straight, unsure exactly how to respond to that statement. On the one hand, Heero basically confirmed that he thought they had no chance at long term, which Duo couldn't exactly disagree with, because he didn't exactly know where this - whatever this was - was going. But on the other hand, Heero just confessed to being more attached to him than Duo had expected and that simultaneously made him nervous and giddy. "You don't have to think about that," Heero stated, blunt and cold, and he pressed the bottle to his lips and licked them after the swallow in a subconscious way that made Duo want him. Not really the best time to be thinking about fucking, but he couldn't help it. It seemed like everything about Heero was unstated and a turn on. "But I do. Because I have children." "I'm sorry," he apologized again, feeling like a damn kid himself as he stared at his hands. But then he looked up and met Heero's eyes with a bit more confidence than he actually felt as he summoned up the courage to say the words he thought he needed to say to explain just what he was thinking when he showed up on Heero's doorstep two nights ago. "I just really like you, you know? And I thought I could show you that I wanted to be a bigger part of your life." Heero stared until Duo wanted to squirm or drop his eyes but he didn't. Heero was the kind of guy who appreciated honesty - he told him that right from the start when he said he'd like to fuck him but he didn't know if he could offer him anything else. And even if it wasn't what Heero wanted to hear, Duo knew it was better to be upfront now than to hide how he felt and have Heero find out later. "Okay," he conceded, obviously hesitant to agree - but maybe he was a little scared of losing what they had just started to build, too. Duo wasn't sure. "Just let me tell you how best to do that." Duo nodded eagerly and flashed a genuine grin. "Can do." Then he leaned back over the table and stroked a long finger up from the dip in Heero's neck between his collarbones, barely accessible except he'd unbuttoned the top two buttons on his shirt, slowly up to his jawline, causing Heero to close his eyes and shiver. "I'll probably be cut from this shift in an hour..." he murmured with his best smoldering look, eyelids half closed, leaning in close - a look he knew would have Heero panting when he walked away, throwing said look casually over his shoulder, readjusting his braid and stroking down its length to where it ended at his ass, leading Heero's eyes directly to the part of his body he desired most. "Yeah," Heero agreed breathlessly and Duo wandered away, performing exactly as planned, knowing just how Heero would fuck him when they made it back to his place. And just as he expected, just as he had that first night they met, Duo found himself on his back, pressed into Heero's sheets, staring up at his ceiling, gripping the bed frame in both hands and forcing himself back onto Heero's dick, begging for a speed Heero would never offer him. This was truly why Duo was so enraptured with him. Sure, maybe it was just sex, and maybe it wasn't even the best sex he'd ever had, but it was damn good and it was so different and so much better than the shit he experienced with the guys he typically fucked - guys his age who were all about ferocity and pain and speed and frantic so-called passion, guys so fucked up they could barely keep a hard-on, guys with nothing worth offering him. But with Heero, there was none of that. Maybe Heero never let him top - yet - but each move was deliberate, each thrust planned, and the sex was slow and powerful, the build to orgasm consistently more intense than any he'd ever experienced. Nothing was quick but then it was always exhaustingly satisfying and Duo could never complain. He craved the feeling of Heero's strong, hard body over his, the self-confident manner with which he rolled his hips, the no-nonsense way he gripped Duo's own hips, aligning them so he would run his dick along his prostate on every thrust if he wanted. The purposeful way he would bring him to come like he was forcing it out of him, commanding his body to relax and release. "Oh god, Heero...!" he cried out, pressing his knees into Heero's sides, forcing him forward, wanting Heero to be buried as deep as possible inside his body. "Come," he begged desperately, hands slipping on the polished wood, soaked in sweat. Heero never said a word during sex but Duo was experienced enough to know based on his reactions that he loved every word that fell from his own lips. He stretched his body out, threw his head back into the pillows and closed his eyes, a low growl coming from deep in his throat. "Fucking come - I need to feel you come." Heero grunted and tucked his chin down, forehead almost touching Duo's chest, sweaty hair stroking it as he lifted Duo's hips for a few last shallow thrusts. He felt Heero's thighs tense and his hands relax as he reached orgasm but Heero only waited a moment before slipping out, sliding down Duo's body, claiming Duo's still aching dick in his mouth. "Oh fuck yes," Duo enthused, fingers tangling in dark hair, gasping breathless as that wet, hot mouth brought him off and he fell hard and fast into it and the slackening, shivering sensation of release. Heero was by far the most considerate partner he'd ever had. He didn't know if it had to do with all the years screwing a woman or if it was just his age or what but Duo knew as he lay back in the sheets, tingling and sated, that he would never willingly give up a fuck like that. Heero was as without addendum as he was without preamble and left the bed to clean up wordlessly. When he returned, Duo had shifted over, leaving him space, and Heero laid down next to him, not touching, not kissing, just relaxing and allowing his breathing to return to normal. That, Duo did miss to some degree. Affection. Cuddling. But if he had to pick and choose, an orgasm like that won out over post-coital kisses. He propped himself up on one elbow, studied the handsome figure of the man whose body he had come to know so well. "I have tomorrow off," he announced quietly, Heero's eyes turning to meet his. "We could get sushi or something if you're not working late." Heero nodded his consent to that plan, both of them knowing the 'date' would be a quiet affair that ended in another round of completely satisfying sex, and Heero threw a hand back behind his head and shifted so that he'd be more comfortable before closing his eyes. Duo waited a moment, studying him a little longer, wondering, if only briefly, what Heero was like as a husband - if his detached, obtuse nature was what caused the divorce. He wondered if they could really have anything more than a few dry topics of conversation and an almost nightly sex routine. He wondered why his chest constricted every time he thought of Heero calling the whole thing off. He lay down on his side, fighting back the urge to stroke the hair out of Heero's eyes when his face turned towards him unexpectedly. They didn't really engage in pillow talk and Duo blinked, embarrassed, wondering if his staring was bothering the other man. "Duo?" Heero's voice sounded strange, cautious, and it put him on edge instantly. "Yeah?" he returned, almost reluctant to say anything at all. "The next weekend I have my kids, we're going to the fair." He seemed nervous and it made Duo smile a little. "Yeah?" Duo asked, giving in to the desire to run his fingers along Heero's strong jaw. "Sounds like fun." "Maybe..." he hesitated, turned his face back towards the ceiling, and moved his body further away in defense, breaking their contact. "Maybe you could come." Duo let himself grin as he turned over onto his back too, giving Heero the space he obviously wanted after such a vulnerable request. "Sure," he offered, hearing a barely audible sigh of relief from the other man. "I'd really like that." ~ * ~ |
