"Break Through"

Written By: Eliza

 

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue, GW belongs to bandi(and all the others), On My Own, is from Les Mis.

Title: Break Through!

Author: Eliza Blaine

Length: 1/1

Special Note: This fic was written for HawkClowd, and at her insistance, I'm posting it here. Glad ya liked it Hawk.

Break Through!

 

Perfect? That’s laughable! If I even knew how to laugh. I don’t know anything about human emotions. They weren’t needed to make a perfect soldier. Emotions were a liability, a distraction. Empty of emotions, a void, a perfect machine, that’s what I was made to be.

//And now I’m all alone again.
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend.
Without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near, now I can make
believe he’s here//

On the outside cool, calm, and distant. An unbreakable fortress. No cracks in the mask to let on that there’s anything but the mission going on inside my head. Then tell me do machines dream?

//Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody
else is sleeping
I think of him and then I’m happy with
the company I’m keeping
the city goes to bed
and I can live inside my head.//

Every night it’s the same. Sparkling violet eyes, that ridiculous braid and that insistent chatter. But the chatter doesn’t last, it disappears into soft sighs, low moans, breathless gasps. One mind, one body, one soul, my humanity in someone else’s body.

//On my own
pretending he’s beside me
all alone I walk with him till morning
without him
I feel his arms around me
and when I lose my way I close my eyes
and he has found me//

Would he rescue me, from this hell, I’m living if he knew? Could he rescue me? A slave to orders and war. Could he be my freedom, make me feel, let me live?

//in the rain the pavement shines like silver
all the lights are misty in the river
in the darkness the trees are full of starlight
and all I see is him and me for ever and forever//

He’s so alive, so full of an indescribable energy. It’s almost frightening to be around him. And yet, I can’t seem to pull myself away. Like a moth to a flame, I’m attracted to that irresistible pull of his spirit.

//and I know it’s only in my mind
that I’m talking to myself and not to him
and although I know that he is blind
still I say there’s a way for us.
I love him
but when the night is over
he is gone, the river’s just a river//

New orders, have arrived. He reads them over my shoulder. And doesn’t even let on that my lack of response bothers him. Has he given up on me? No there’s one of his trade mark, smart ass comments.

//without him the world around me changes
the trees are bare and everywhere the streets
are full of strangers
I love him
but everyday I’m learning
all my life I’ve only been pretending
without me his world will go on turning
a world that’s full of happiness that I have
never known//

He keeps trying to crack the mask I wear. To see beneath it. To draw me out. Why then do I fight it? Simple really, the training won’t let me break. It holds me, chained to a wall, inside myself. There’s no escape, no rescue, no salvation.

//I love him, I love him. //

And yet,... I hope that somehow, he can work his way past this block. Reach through the training and loose the chains. Hope? Isn’t that an emotion? Is he closer to succeeding then either of us ever knew? There isn’t time to explore that possibility now, but when the mission is over, we will talk. Yes when the mission is over I’ll tell you everything Duo. Everything, including, ashite......

*Violet eyes fill with tears. The unfinished log entry, both a blessing and a curse in the face of the writers absence. Shaking fingers brush gently across the screen, before closing down the laptop. As the room is engulfed in darkness, a soft whisper echos through the stillness.*

//I love him. But only on my own.//

"I.. I love you to....Heero"
_________________

On to Sequel; Finding Myself

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