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"I Was A Child"Written By: Dùlin
Disclaimer : Not mine. Just playin', will give them right back, yadda yadda ... you know the drill. And I'm broke. Really. Rating : PG Warnings : Introspection, probably angsty. Pairings : hints of 2+1 and 4+3 of you want to
see them. Spoilers for Episode Zero. Author's note : This thing just kinda fell on me. I gotta a hundred of other things to do, and *this* just happens to fall on my head and hits me with a big 'Write Me' Stick. Who am I, poor writer, to resist the will of fate and the Plot Bunny of Doom ? I just began reflecting on the fact that all the heroes are awfully young to be involved in a world-scale war and ...here you go. Any kind of C&C accepted, of course. Please do not take or reproduce without permission.
"I Was a Child" Heero I was a child once. Or was I ? I guess that in the physical sense of the term, I was a child. I was a little human being not yet come to adulthood. That’s pretty much all the child there ever was in me. I don’t even know where I come from. Who my parents were. If I even had parents. That is one thing J never told me. For all the dangerous things he entrusted me with, from a gun to a rocket launcher to a Gundam, he never entrusted me with the secret of my origins. For all I know, I could be a test tube baby born in his lab, nothing more than the fusion of two finely selected cells. Now there’s not a chance I’ll ever know. Maybe it’s for the best. I don’t know what I missed, and it’s not my friends who can tell me. Their childhoods were not exactly exemplary either. It’s just mine was particularly lacking in … in what exactly ? Duo says ‘human interaction’. He’s probably right. Not entirely, though. I’ve been trained to kill before I knew how to talk, that’s for sure. The things Dr. J put me through during my training would make the mercenaries Trowa spent his childhood with pee in their pants with terror. Duo had the hardest time breaking through all that training and finding the person inside. I’m glad he did, ‘cause I wasn’t sure there was someone left there. After all, the only thing I remember from my so-called childhood is being taught to become a living weapon. The rest ? I don’t know. Can’t remember. Black hole. Hypnosis would probably get through it, but I don’t want to try it. Why not ? Good question. I just think that if there is still something left of that original child in me, I just want him to sleep in peace. I don’t want him to know what I’ve been through, don’t want him to witness the horrors I’ve done, the crushing-down of what could have been his future. I built myself a new future. I don’t want it to crumble down. So I’ll just go on, as I am. I’m just glad to know that once, long ago, so long ago even I can’t remember, I was a child. ***** I was a child once. Or was I ? Guess ‘street rat’ is more adequate. Gods if my friends heard me they would just be all screamin’ and yellin that I ain’t no street trash or sumthin like it. Glad they believe it. Doesn’t make reality look shinier. That’s me, born on L2 from God knows who, left alone I don’t remember why or when, taken in by a group of street kids like myself. Believe me, when that’s it, ya gotta grow up fast. Ironic when you know I’m still not that tall now, physically speakin’. Heero says it’s ‘malnutrition in early stages of development’. I love it when he starts getting technical like that. Anyway … We were a bunch of kids who weren’t kids. The filthiest of the gutter trash, thieves, hookers, you name it. The only thing that kept us going was the need to find something, anything to eat and some place not too cold and not too wet to sleep at night. By the time I met Solo, he was no longer a kid either. He was only a few years older than myself, and yet … You know that light the kids have when they discover somethin’ new ? The little sparkle that just brings the color alive in the iris ? I never saw that in Solo’s eyes. He was an old soul already. He’d seen too much, been through too much. Yeah, I know what you’re gonna say, what about me ? Ain’t I an old soul too, after all I’ve been through myself ? All the misery my life’s ladden with ? Losin’ all the people I love, Solo, the other kids, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, Heero more time than I can count ? Yeah, I guess I’m an old soul. But an old soul with a child’s eyes. I dunno why, I just take it as it is. Cat always says I look at the world with the eyes of a kitten discovering new horizons. He’s right, and I hope I never lose that look in my eyes. I’m amazed every day by the beauty around me, by the scent of the air, the blue of the sky, the feel of grass under my feet. I’m thrilled to hear children laughing, to see lovers kissing and saying sweet things to each other. I welcome every day like it’s the first. There’s nothing like the present. I was never allowed to be a kid. You could take some psychologist mumbo-jumbo and tell me I’m compensating now, and I’d be agreeing with you. So what ? It’s nice to be a kid. To believe in life and beauty and music and love. Why would anyone want to grow up ? I was a child once, before all this. Things happened. Wars happened. They didn’t kill the child in me. He was stronger. Way to go, Kid. ***** I was a child once. Or was I ? My first memory is of flames, a sudden explosion. Blood. Death. All of my memories for the next sixteen years have the same colors, the same taste of destruction in my mouth. Before that ? I don’t know. I probably had a family, someone to hold me close, someone who knew my name. The soldiers who took me in never treated me as a child. They didn’t have time for that. What they needed was someone small to crawl in places they couldn’t reach to repair the mobile suits. A mechanic. That’s what I was trained for. Then once I grew up I began piloting the suits too. I can pilot everything that requires piloting now. It has proved useful. No one gave me a name. Why bother with one ? I was just another soldier who could die any day, and there wouldn’t be any grave for my body other than the metal carcasse of my suit. Mercenaries don’t come back for their deads. I suppose that life killed the child I could have become, with no chance of return. I wasn’t the only one forced to grow up too fast in those times of war and destruction. I’m not complaining. But the precious moments I have with Cathy some times make me wonder, regret ... It’s a bit like the face of the kids when they come to see the clowns at the circus. The innocence in their eyes, the light ... I’m sure I never looked that way at their age. And yet … I think maybe someone helped me grasp a bit of that innocence back. He looks downright innocent, alright. Maybe the greatest facade I’ve ever seen one of us pull. But those eyes of his, they don’t lie. And I don’t know what they saw in me, but they liked it. And they’re the reason I now smile some times. They’re the reason why I can enjoy the sun in the afternoon, or just reading a good book while he plays away whatever is in his mind on the piano. He told me I looked innocent when I played music. I wanted to play all the time after he said that. I was a child once, a long time ago. I can’t ever be one again, but … I can have a taste. ***** I was a child once. Or was I ? Of all my comrades, I probably had the most normal childhood. Wait, I take that back. My childhood was all but normal. Yes, my family was rich, yes, I had everything money could provide, a family who loved me, all that jazz. I didn’t have any friends. I’m a spoiled brat. So sue me. Just like any other
child, I only wanted what I didn’t have. I guess it explains a lot about my rebellious nature. Why even try to break away from all you’ve got ? You must be desperate for doing that. I was a desperate child who wanted to be anything else but himself. I know lots of people say I am gentle, caring, loving. I am all that. And a lot of other things, but that’s what always comes first to describe me. I had to learn that the hard way. How can you even pretend to be caring and loving, when you don’t even love yourself ? For most of my childhood, I was wrongly convinced to have been fabricated to serve my family’s purpose. ‘Organic compound’, that’s what I used to say I was. Talk about low self-esteem. I’ll always bless the day Rashid slapped some sense into me. When I came to terms with myself, I … it was too late to be child. There was not time for this, not anymore. Time was for action, for trying to end the war. Trowa, Heero and Wufei often say both Duo and I have a lot of child left in us. Always with a bit of regret, and yet always just stating a fact. I think they are right. I am just starting to discover the child I could have been, if I had just deigned to consider that I was being unfair to everyone around me and myself too when I was younger. I can never regain those years, nor this estrangement with my father that we never solved and will always hang between us, beyond death. But I can try to atone. I was a child once, a long time ago. A lonely, unhappy child. I don’t really want to know what kind of adult that child would have become. Believe me, had you known me back then, you wouldn’t have liked me. But now … well, friends and family work wonders on people, don’t they ? I can’t be a child, because so many people rely on me. But whatever bliss, whatever innocence I can catch I hold dear in my heart, knowing that thanks to our efforts, other children will be able to be just that. Children. ***** I was a child once. Or was I ? I can’t remember ever acting childishly. In my culture, the notions of respect, honor, responsibility, are engrained in you from a very young age. A turbulent child is a disobedient child. I was encouraged to study, be silent and respectful, and I was. I’ve always have mixed feelings about my upbringing. That mix of traditions and modernity that coexisted quite harmoniously. But … from the day I could walk, I was no longer a child. I was a future warrior. Pressure. Quatre has known this in his family too. I know both he and I are fortunate to know our families, and where we came from. But even Quatre broke free and stood out for himself at one point. I didn’t. I was passive, following the guidelines. I don’t think I really ever watched the world through innocent eyes. Blame it on my thirst for knowledge maybe. I had always hundreds of questions that needed answers. My glance on the world was calculating, weighing right and wrong, good or bad. I was not ready for marriage when it came upon me. Nor was Meiran. In that aspect, we were still children. It was too soon, we were too different. The day she died, what remained of the child I could have been died with her. I pledged to myself to fight for her and restore right in the Universe. Ah, the grandiloquence of words. I was never really a child and yet, what is more childish than being persuaded you’re in the right, and dispensing your justice blindly to those you deem unworthy ? Maybe I was more of a child than I thought. If that was the case, I didn’t take the greatest aspects of childhood with me. It still amazes me that for all their innocence and joy for life, children can be incredibly egotistical and cruel sometimes. I don’t know if I’m an adult now. I know I have to be. Duo would piss himself with laughter if he heard me saying that. I admire him for that. I just can’t do this like he does. My eyes have seen too much, my hands have killed too much, and I know that for me, there’s no coming back. I’m just glad that some of us still can. I was a child once, a long time ago. ***** I was a child once. Or was I ? I like to think my childhood died the day the Sank kingdom fell. And just look at the way I formulate that. I like to think. Why would anyone like to think about the day their childhood ended ? I guess that since I was a prince, you can’t really call my childhood normal. But my parents had simple ways. My first six years would be a cherished memory, if they had not been tainted by blood. I was a child once. That child was named Milliardo Peacecraft. And as I used to tell Treize, he died a long time ago. I know I used the name again. I still do occasionally, because it’s still better to be Relena Peacecraft’s brother than an ex-OZ colonel in certain circles. What is funny is that a lot of people remain persuaded that Milliardo Peacecraft and Zechs Merquise were two different people. Maybe they were. The young cadet in the Oz academy, wearing his mask, certainly had nothing in common with the kingdomless child. Except the burning need for vengeance. I was a child once. I had a mother, and a father, and a little sister. It looked like centuries ago to me, sometimes. Like it wasn’t even me there. ***** I was a child once. Or was I ? I see you coming. Poor little rich girl is complaining about her pampered childhood. I’m not. In my own little secluded world, I was happy. Quiet, a bit lonely, craving for friends who wouldn’t fawn over my money, but happy. Loved. Safe. Yet I some times wonder … What was my mother like ? Milliardo won’t talk about her. He gave me a few pictures. I don’t remember her at all. The soft blue eyes that look so much like mine, the delicate face, this awakens nothing in me, except for the fact I know this woman was the one who gave birth to me. In my heart, the woman I call Mother will always be Eleanor Darlian. I was a spoiled child, and I know it. I was a deluded little girl, kept away from the horrors of war. And yet war tore the family I was given by people who only wanted my safety. My father was kept away from home and ultimately killed for that war. The ugliness of the world hit me hard in the face that day. My mother used to say I was too serious for a child. This may, or may not be related to buried memories of my traumatic first year, I don’t know. I used to have a lot of nightmares when I was a little girl. They slowly disappeared with time. So, in many aspects, I was child. Not an ordinary child, but a child nonetheless. And here I am now, Vice-Minister at 17, a favorite in the next run for presidency in which I am not even a candidate, holding in my hands the future of a world that I can’t let down. Is it selfish from me to want to be a child again, just for once ? OWARI
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