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"This Feeling"Written By: Clara Barton Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. The following
is an intellectual exercise with no intention of profit. That said,
these characterizations, words, and situations are mine. Please ask
before reprinting. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: angst, language, smut Pairings: 6x2, 2x3x2, 6x3x2 Summary: A dozen years after the wars, Trowa is still trying to find a place for himself. A glimpse into the lives of Duo Maxwell and Zechs Merquise makes him wish for things he had never before considered.
"This Feeling"
It was the new year before Trowa saw Duo again. During the two weeks since the Commemoration Ceremony, work had been light at Preventers HQ. Most agents who weren't essential personnel took time off, and Trowa had haunted the deserted halls, gradually doing more and more of the outgoing ADI's work, but still unwilling to accept the promotion. He was also unwilling to admit to himself that he spent the next two weeks hoping to run into Duo or Zechs. Neither man made an appearance, however, and Trowa cursed himself for an idiot and a fool. He had fallen into a pattern, ever since Une threw him behind a desk, of getting to HQ early and making use of the training facilities to run. After his accident, he had had to take several months' break from running. It had been a relief when he was finally, reluctantly cleared by the Preventers staff physician. The track and attached gym were usually empty until Trowa neared the end of his workout, but on the second day in January, Trowa arrived to his early morning run and saw that there was already someone looking around the perimeter. A someone who was impossible not to recognize. It wasn't even necessarily the braid that gave him away. It was the way Duo moved - as if he was racing towards a finish line. Or running from a pursuer. Duo must have noticed him, but as Trowa stretched, the other man gave no indication of being aware of him. It wasn't until Trowa started to run, setting his pace to allow Duo to catch up with him, that the other man acknowledged him. Duo nodded and then grinned, lopsided and challenging, before he started to run faster and pulled away. Half an hour later, they were both panting and lying on the track. Duo was at least making a show of trying to stretch. Trowa didn't even bother to pretend. He was too focused on trying to catch his breath, and enjoying the burn of well-worked muscles. "I forgot how fast you are," Duo whined. "I forgot how stubborn you are," Trowa groaned, and Duo laughed, the sound breathless and exhausted. "Fuck, I'm old," Duo sighed, and rolled onto his side and then levered himself to his feet. Trowa remained on the ground while Duo stretched. He wasn't above enjoying the sight of Duo's ass as the other man bent over at the waist and reached for his toes. Duo, glancing at Trowa from between his legs, saw the focus of Trowa's attention and snorted in amusement. Trowa smirked back at him, and for a moment, it felt like before, when they had been... whatever they had been. "You still haven't accepted your promotion," Duo said as he straightened up. "Why?" Trowa grimaced and got to his feet, following Duo's example and trying to avoid answering the question. "Why didn't you accept any of yours?" Duo gave him a look. "You hacked my files." He said it mildly, his voice neutral, and Trowa knew he was pissed. It was a habit Trowa had indulged in for years, ever since he and Duo had stopped speaking. It was the best - really, the only - way for Trowa to know what was going on with Duo. "I wanted to know if you were okay," he offered as his defense. Duo's eyes narrowed. "You could have asked me if I was okay." "No, I couldn't have." Duo's lips thinned, but he held Trowa's gaze, and there was understanding, though no sympathy, in Duo's eyes. "You're already doing most of the ADI work - why not just make it official and get the pay bump?" Duo was stubborn. Trowa had always hated and admired that about him. He had counted on it, years ago. "In the field, if I fuck up, I might die. If I fuck up badly enough, other people might die. But it's still contained." Duo snorted. "Zechs told me about Nairobi. Your definition of 'contained' encompasses three city blocks." "That couldn't be helped," Trowa sighed. He had played that mission over and over in his head for the last two years. Knowing that things could have been much worse didn't change the fact that things had been shit. "So, what? You think that if you're ADI, you're going to fuck shit up even more?" Duo guessed, confidently picking apart Trowa and laying bare his anxiety. Trowa didn't bother answering, and Duo snorted and shook his head. "The other guy they're considering - Ramusen? Old Alliance guy." Duo shrugged. "Half the pricks around here are, though. Zechs says he's not too bad. He's all about efficiency and resource stratification." Trowa scowled. He hadn't worked directly with Ramusen, but their paths had crossed. Resource stratification was the technical way of saying that he understaffed critical ops and posts in order to save money and move assets to higher profile areas. It was a trend Trowa had noticed was on the rise at Preventers over the last four years, as the organization suffered budget cuts and brutal annual reviews from the ESUN parliament. Zechs was right. Ramusen wasn't too bad. But he was bad enough. Duo's sharp gaze was still on him, and Trowa could feel Duo picking him apart, trying to tease out his reaction to the news. "Should Zechs be sharing that kind of information with you? Your security clearance isn't that high." Duo snorted and shook his head. "Jesus. You're still as prickly as ever, huh? No, he probably shouldn't have. And if you think it's a security issue, then take the job as ADI and come after me." Duo's gaze was hard, and Trowa could see years of resentment and hurt just below the surface. Trowa sighed. "That's IA's problem. Not Intelligence." Duo let it go, and Trowa followed the other man as he walked towards the side of the track, to where first Duo and then Trowa had dropped their phones and bottles of water. Duo drank deeply from his own, ignoring his phone and sitting down instead. After a moment of hesitation, and a wary look at Duo's still tense shoulders, Trowa sat down beside him and drank his own water. "I'm sorry," Duo sighed. "It's your life. Your career. None of my business anymore. Maybe it never was." Trowa swallowed, and tried to think of a response to the words that weren't bitter so much as they were regretful. "I wasn't just waiting around for Quatre. Before. With you." Duo arched an eyebrow at him in question, but then he made the connection to his comment two weeks ago, during the fireworks display. He shrugged, and Trowa could tell that Duo didn't really believe him. "You kept me sane." "Wasn't enough though, was it?" Duo's lips twisted, and he looked away from Trowa. "Not for either of us," Trowa said, thinking back to that last time together, and then thinking about Duo and Zechs, about the way Duo looked at the other man. About the way Zechs looked at Duo. "He's a good guy." "Zechs? Yeah, he is. Most of the time." Even now, there was a note of fond amusement in Duo's voice, and it felt like a dagger to Trowa's heart. "You're happier now, with him." Duo scowled. "I'm happier now, yeah, but it's not about him. It's- Tro..." Duo sighed, and shook his head sadly. "Surviving the war was supposed to be the hard part, not all the shit that came after, yanno?" Trowa knew. All too well. That didn't change the fact that he and Duo were in dramatically different places in their lives. Duo, at some point, had come to terms with all of the shit that came after - had made some kind of peace with it and himself. And Trowa... Trowa was thirty, still using the name he had taken from a dead man, still living as though he would have to grab his duffel and take off with barely any notice, still lying awake at night and staring into the darkness while he tried to figure out who he was and just why the fuck he was alive. He felt like a failure. He felt like a man who had nothing to offer - not to Duo, not to Quatre, not to Une or the Preventers. "I came by the hospital, after your accident," Duo confessed, and Trowa looked over at him. "You did?" Duo nodded. "Yeah. I- I dunno. Heero told me what happened, and I kind of lost my shit," Duo offered him a wry smile. "But then I got there and you were awake, and Quatre was with you, and I just..." Duo shrugged. "I thought maybe things were finally gonna work out for you the way you wanted them to." Trowa idly ran his knuckles over the scar on his jaw, a memento from the accident and from his disastrous relationship with Quatre. "Heero still thinks you tried to kill yourself," Duo added, quieter. Trowa's mouth felt dry, and his tongue heavy. Trowa swallowed, and had to clear his throat before trying to speak. "I didn't." Duo's gaze felt like a weight on Trowa's shoulders. Even though he wasn't looking at him, Trowa could feel it. Trowa sighed. "I don't think I would have minded dying, though." "Fuck you," Duo said, the words low. "I would have minded. Heero would have minded. Cathy would have minded. Quatre, Wufei. Une would have minded." Trowa nodded. "She spent an hour dressing me down for being so reckless." "She should have spent a lot fucking longer. Jesus, Trowa." "I'm not going to kill myself, Duo," Trowa sighed again. "No, you're just not going to be all that quick about moving out of the path of any bullets headed your way. That's real comforting," Duo snarled. Trowa glared at him. "Don't act like you've spent the last eight years worried I-" "Don't," Duo interrupted him. "Don't even tell me how you think I've spent the last eight years. Whatever intel you hacked on me is- You know what, fuck you. I'm not doing this." Duo pushed himself to his feet and glared down at Trowa. "Running away?" Trowa sneered. Duo glared down at him, and for a moment, Trowa thought he was about to lash out. But then Duo drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I care about you, you stupid bastard. What we had- I was a mess, and you were a mess, and I thought we were figuring shit out until you just cut me out of your life. I-" "You stopped being a mess, Duo. I came back, and you... you stopped being a mess." Trowa winced at how pathetic he sounded, how bitter. The look in Duo's eyes made Trowa feel raw, exposed and vulnerable, and he resisted the urge to curl into himself. "Do you want me to apologize?" It sounded like a sincere offer, and that made Trowa feel even worse. "No." "I want you to be happy, Trowa." Duo dropped down into a crouch in front of Trowa, and he reached out, a little hesitantly. Trowa held himself still, and Duo ran his thumb over the scar on Trowa's jaw. A few inches lower and he would have died. The look in Duo's eyes made it clear he was thinking exactly that. "I want you to fucking mind if you die." Trowa forced himself not to lean into Duo's touch, but he couldn't bring himself to pull away. Duo's thumb circled over Trowa's cheek, and Trowa shivered. At the touch, at the look in Duo's eyes. For a moment, Trowa was sure something was about to happen, could feel Duo's eyes on his mouth, and his heartbeat accelerated. But then Duo stood up. "I need to go. The Chief Counsel wants to chew me out for interfering with his last case." Duo smoothed his hands over his thighs and nervously licked his lips. "Take care of yourself, Tro, okay?" Trowa could only nod and watch Duo collect his phone and walk away. |
