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"Sideshow"Written By: Clara Barton Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. The following
is an intellectual exercise with no intention of profit. That said,
these characterizations, words, and situations are mine. Please ask
before reprinting. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: language, sex, violence, BDSM, angst Pairings: 2x3 Summary: Duo visited Trowa a few
times every year, catching up to the circus on one colony or another
and showing up uninvited and unannounced in Trowa's trailer. But an
unexpected confession from Duo leads to a change in the nature of
their relationship. "Sideshow" Chapter Eight The new act was a great success. The audiences loved seeing Trowa dangling over the tank of water, wrapped in chains and struggling for freedom. They gasped in shock when he was dropped into the tank, their shouts of encouragement and cries of anxiety garbled noise while he was submerged. Their cheers, when he emerged, free of the chains, were deafening. It was silly, it was staged, the actual danger was minimal, but the audience bought into it. They truly believed he was seconds from death every night and every night they celebrated his escape. Cathy looked smug as hell when they bowed, every damn performance, and while part of Trowa might be able to admit that she and Shandor had been right - the trick was fantastic - and while he didn't begrudge Cathy her right to rub his nose it, he couldn't help but feel on edge. The fact that nearly a quarter of their audiences wore black shirts and red bandanas was more than enough to unsettle him, more than enough to keep him awake late into the night as he tried to think of all the possibilities for the future. But then there were the muttered comments, mostly directed towards Besnik, Shandor, August and Trowa. Terran. Collaborator. It would be ridiculous if the situation wasn't so tense. Trowa was a Terran, as were most of the members of the troupe, and most of the men looked it - tall and muscular and tanned. He had always stood out when he tried to blend in with colonists, but he had never felt his heritage threatened his life. He had also never been called a collaborator. Well, a few times, during the war when he had served with OZ, but not before and certainly not since. It was funny - here he was, a former Gundam pilot, a former terrorist who had fought for the colonies and because of the way he looked he was labelled as the enemy. If Trowa had been the only one to draw attention to himself he wouldn't have minded so much, but when the circus patrons looked around at the performers and frowned, when they drank too much and lingered too long, he knew it was going to be a problem. Not yet, but soon. In the two months since Duo's arrest and subsequent release things had seemingly quieted down on the colonies. While the presence of black shirts had increased - while three more videos featuring the soulful Micah Vaughn had been released - no major incidents had occurred. A few riots, but nothing as bad as Trowa had feared. Not yet, but soon. Because all of this felt like simmering anger, like rage just waiting to boil over and Trowa knew it was coming. He knew that one of these nights something would happen, some group of blackshirts would storm the circus grounds or the troupe would be caught out on a colony when a major riot erupted or Duo would die. Trowa hated how much of his brain Duo occupied. Hated how often he found himself tempted to contact Wufei to ask about Duo. Hated how every mention of the blackshirts had him remembering Micah Vaughn speaking about Duo as though he owned him, as though Duo was as much a part of this future rebellion as Vaughn himself. He thought back to that first night, all those months ago, when he had teased Duo until he confessed his attraction to Trowa. He wondered how different things would be now if that had never happened, or if he had never pursued it. They had been friends, and Trowa had cared about Duo, had found himself idly wondering about him from time to time, but it hadn't been like this. Duo hadn't been his before. And that, Trowa knew, made all the difference. Things would have been complicated enough, trying to have a relationship with Duo, trying to establish a tenuous bond that would hold up over their long separations. But this wasn't just any relationship, and these weren't just any separations. Every time Trowa saw Duo, he knew there was a very real possibility that it would be the last time, and he also knew there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. Feeling helpless wasn't something new for Trowa, and while he might be accustomed to the feeling, he sure as hell didn't welcome it. But he was helpless. Helpless to protect Duo, helpless to keep him. Helpless to forget him. And, as it turned out, helpless not to feel overwhelming relief when Duo finally turned up in his trailer one night, almost three months after Trowa had last seen him. The relief quickly dissipated, however. Duo wasn't in his spot, wasn't naked and kneeling and eager. He was fully clothed, except for his boots, neatly arranged by the kitchen table, and sitting on the couch with a half empty bottle of whiskey beside him. Trowa found himself hesitating, as he looked between the bottle and Duo's tired eyes, his pale, drawn face and slightly tousled hair. It looked as though he had been here for a while, looked as if he had been battling his demons and Trowa hadn't seen him like this in years. Before when they had gotten drunk together, had gone out and bought a bottle of decent liquor and worked industriously to empty it as they sat together on the couch and emptied their memories to each other. But Duo didn't usually start alone, and he didn't usually look this lost. Trowa toed off his shoes and sat down on the couch, situated himself at the opposite end so that he could look at Duo. He picked up the whiskey and took a long swallow, fighting against the burn and his urge to cough. He held the bottle out and Duo took it, drank deeply before passing it back. For twenty minutes they sat in silence, until the bottle was nearly empty. "This place is the nearest thing I have to a home. You people are the closest thing I have to a family." Duo's voice was rough, gravelly with lack of sleep, slightly slurred from the whiskey, harsh with emotion. Trowa swallowed hard. What the fuck had happened? He wanted to pull off Duo's clothes, wanted to inspect his body, to see what new wounds, what new scars, what new tattoos marked him, but he suspected that whatever had happened to Duo wasn't physical, wasn't some superficial mark. "I always told myself I was doing this for you - for the circus. Told myself this was about protecting you. Told myself that whatever I did, it was fine, because it meant Sylvan could grow up and not have to worry about fighting in a war. Anything to stop another war, yanno?" Duo shook his head and finished off the whiskey. "But I was lying to myself. Justifying myself. So full of shit, so fucking broken..." he shook his head and ran one hand through his bangs and his hair, carelessly tugging at the braid. Duo drew in a deep breath and met Trowa's gaze and Trowa was taken aback by his anger, by his self-hatred and despair. "I wanted to come here and make you punish me. Wanted you to treat me exactly the way I deserve - wanted you to turn your back on me. I fucking - I deserve it so damn much but I'm too much of a coward. I wanted you to hate me but I... I need you not to hate me." "I don't hate you, Duo. I won't hate you." Trowa's own voice sounded harsh, sounded too loud and sharp after Duo's confession. Duo shook his head. "No, you don't know. You don't - you'd hate me, Trowa. God, you'd hate me and never fucking forgive me." "No," Trowa said again, "I would not." It was clear Duo was struggling with himself, struggling with what he had done and in this moment, probably more than any previously, he needed to empty himself, needed to submit and feel nothing but pain, nothing but pleasure, nothing but what Trowa gave him. But Duo was also drunk, and Trowa, while not as far gone as Duo, was far from sober himself. Trowa sighed. "Why weren't you waiting for me?" Duo gave a dark chuckle. "Still nursing a broken rib and a few other souvenirs." "There are other -" "I didn't want you to torture me with pleasure, Trowa. I don't - I'm not good enough for that. Not now. I wish to hell I didn't have these damn bruises because it would have felt good to have you beat me. But I can't - I can't let you make me feel good." "Tell me what happened." But Duo shook his head, looked away from Trowa's eyes. "No. I - no." "Then why the hell did you come here, Duo? What do you want from me?" Duo shook his head again and got up from the couch, a little unsteady on his feet. "Nothing. I had to. I - fuck, this whole thing has been a mistake." He moved towards his boots but Trowa got up from the couch and intercepted him, stopped him and pinned his arms to his sides when Duo tried to shove him away. "This whole thing?" He repeated. Duo met his gaze again, and Trowa could see the determination in his face, the hardened resolve. It seemed that Duo had decided he did want Trowa to turn his back on him after all. Well, hadn't Trowa said from the beginning that Duo didn't really know what he wanted or needed? "Yeah," Duo said, his voice cold, hard. "This whole thing." Trowa kissed him, offered him no comfort, no softness, just attacked with his lips and teeth and tongue and Duo fought, pushed against the arms restraining him and tried to pull away but when Trowa's teeth caught his lip, bit down just hard enough to be painful, Duo groaned. He didn't stop fighting Trowa, though, even as Trowa backed him up against a wall and pinned him in place with his legs and his right hand and started to undress Duo with his left, pushing away Duo's hand when he tried to stop him. He continued the assault with his mouth, plunged his tongue deep into Duo's mouth, nearly into his throat and Duo groaned again, rocked against him and his hands fisted in Trowa's shirt. Trowa shoved Duo's shirt off his shoulders and stepped back, released Duo's mouth and body and he looked at him in the dim kitchen light. He could clearly see the four inch long, jagged cut across Duo's stomach. He reached out, traced the stitches that held the sides of the wound closed and then let his hand trail upwards, over the fading bruises on Duo's chest, on his side, up to the fingerprint bruises around his neck. Trowa felt something clench deep inside him. He thought about Sylvan, about the marks around her throat. "Tell me," he said again, hearing desperation in his own voice. "I can't." The fight had gone out of Duo's voice, his resolve had broken, but his self-hatred was still there. Trowa knew that things had changed, irrevocably. Between them, with the world. Duo had always been private, had never explained his injuries to Trowa. But he had never shown up having come this close to death before. Trowa held his gaze for a long moment and when Duo didn't look away he did. He bent his head and pressed his lips against Duo's neck. He dragged his open mouth and tongue over the bruises and Duo drew in a shuddering breath and Trowa felt him shift, felt Duo's right hand tangle in the hair at the back of Trowa's neck. Trowa reached down and unfastened Duo's pants and shoved them down with him boxers and Duo moved his legs, stepped out of the tangle of clothes and Trowa ran his hands over Duo's back, feeling the rough edge of another wound. He wanted to pull away, wanted to examine Duo's body and see the damage, to see just how close Duo had come to dying but he knew he couldn't. He couldn't look over Duo now and not do or say something that would push Duo away. So he pulled him close and kissed his mouth again until Duo was kissing him back and mumbling something. Trowa pulled away. "What?" "Please," Duo said, his eyes closed, his fingers curled into Trowa's hair. "Please, what?" "I want- I need you, Trowa. Damn it all to hell, I need you." "You have me, Duo." Trowa smoothed away Duo's bangs and waited for him to open his eyes and meet his gaze. "When I said you were mine, Duo, I meant that I'm yours." Duo swallowed hard. "Trowa- I can't- I'm not-" "It's just us, Duo. Just us, right here. The rest of the Earthsphere can burn down, but right now, this is just about you and me." Duo offered him a dark smirk. "You're just saying that because you want it all to burn down." "Maybe," Trowa agreed. He tugged on Duo's bangs and Duo arched into the touch. "Tell me what you need." "Make me forget I have to leave." Trowa wondered how carefully Duo had chosen the words. It seemed as though the whisky had done little to dull his mind, and certainly his speech was less slurred now than it had been moments ago. It seemed as though he had chosen the exact words that would hurt both of them. But that was fine. Trowa had long ago disciplined himself to accept pain. "Beg me," he countered. Duo's eyes narrowed and Trowa watched him consider the command. "Please, Tro, make me forget." His voice was soft and his breathing shallow. Trowa kissed him again and pulled him close, away from the wall and Duo's arms went to his shoulders, the one place Duo was allowed to touch him. Trowa walked them into the bedroom but didn't bother to turn on a light. Later, if there was time, he would look at Duo. But right now it wouldn't help anything. Duo didn't need his scrutiny, not right now. He simply needed to belong to Trowa. "Lay down on the bed." Duo did as ordered, laying on his back and stretching out, the dim kitchen light barely illuminating him. Trowa knelt beside the bed and pulled out his case. He removed the blindfold and the four fabric ties. Duo watched him stand back up and drop the blindfold to the bed. "Stretch out your arms and legs." Duo licked his lips. "You're going to have to let me go eventually." Trowa stared at him. He knew that, but if Duo was going to fight him on this, he really wasn't sure where to go with it. He knew the only way he could make Duo forget he had to leave was to make him forget that anywhere else existed, that anyone else existed. After a moment, Duo stretched out. Trowa tied the knots securely, tight enough that when Duo tugged on them they cut into his skin. Duo gave him a look. "You can get out, if you try," Trowa assured him. "And I will release you as soon as you ask." Duo nodded and Trowa crawled onto the bed so that he could blindfold Duo. He heard his breath catch as his sight was taken away. Trowa had always found it difficult to relax in a blindfold, even while performing. It reminded him too much of space, of floating in the darkness towards his own death. But Duo loved space, more than Trowa ever had. Perhaps, hopefully, he was comforted by the darkness. Trowa ran his fingers over Duo's chest, down to the cut on his belly. It was close to his liver, too close, and Duo could have bled out, could have died from that. Or from whatever wound Trowa had felt on his back, low and close to his spine. Duo shifted under his touch, tried to shy away from his fingers. "Tell me if it hurts, but you can not move away from my touch," he warned Duo. He ran the palms of his hands back up Duo's sides, over his peaked nipples. "This is mine, remember." Duo nodded. Trowa leaned down licked Duo's right nipple, swirling his tongue around the hard nub and then he took it into his mouth and sucked on it. Duo moaned and then hissed when Trowa bit down. "Feels good," he said, and the slur was back now. Trowa realized that forcing Duo to lay still would likely make him feel any lingering inebriation even more. He switched to the other side, biting down immediately and Duo jerked upwards before he could stop himself. Trowa continued in that fashion over Duo's chest and thighs, alternating between kissing, lickign and biting while Duo moaned, gasped and hissed, occasionally speaking up or crying out. After nearly half an hour, Duo's cock was stiff and wet with precum and his hips jerked involuntarily when Trowa finally licked the head of his cock. "Oh God," Duo moaned. Trowa held him still, hands firm but gentle on his hips, as he sucked on Duo's cock, drawing the heavy length deep into his throat. As his mouth worked over Duo's cock Trowa traced his fingers down to Duo's ass, feathered across his anus and Duo shifted, tried to spread his legs even further apart for Trowa. "Please," Duo's voice cracked. "Please can I come?" Trowa pulled back. "Not yet." Duo sucked in a deep breath, but he didn't try to argue. Trowa moved away from Duo and reached for the lube in his nightstand. He smeared some on his fingers and returned to Duo and slowly started to finger him, teasing Duo, tormenting him with shallow thrusts of his fingers. "Please, I need more." "Do you?" Trowa kissed him, surprising Duo momentarily before Duo kissed him back. "Please," Duo said against his lips as Trowa pulled back. Trowa pushed his fingers deeper into Duo's body and pressed against his prostate. Duo moaned. "God. Yes. Fuck. Trowa that feels so good." Trowa continued to fuck Duo with his fingers, until Duo was writhing under him. "Come for me, Duo." Duo's body jerked against him and shuddered. Trowa leaned down to lick up his cum, sucking on Duo's over-sensitive cock until it was clean. "Thank you." Trowa kissed him again. "You're welcome." -o- In the morning Trowa was slow to wake. Duo's side of the bed was empty and the sheets cool. He had likely been up for hours already and Trowa wondered if he was even still here, or if he had slipped away while Trowa was still asleep. Duo had never done that before. But then, nothing like last night had ever transpired before. Eventually, Trowa realized that he was wasting time and he forced himself to get out of the bed. He showered, scrubbing his skin almost raw under the hot water as he thought about Duo's body, as he tried to imagine just what Duo had done - what had happened to him. Trowa was tempted to call Wufei. The Preventer agent knew something - certainly knew more about Duo than Trowa did - and Trowa was feeling almost desperate and angry enough to question him. But he knew, even without trying, that Wufei would tell him nothing. Duo would tell him nothing. He dressed and made his way over to Shandor's trailer and he was surprised to see Duo sitting inside with the magician, drinking coffee. Duo looked up when he entered and Trowa arched an eyebrow. "Waiting for Sylvan to get up," Duo said. "I looked at the equipment but everything is in good shape." Trowa nodded. After he and Duo had gone their separate ways on X1256 Trowa had caught back up with the circus and every day since he had spent every spare moment seeing to the equipment, putting it in the best possible condition that he could, teaching Sylvan everything he knew as they worked together. Shandor poured Trowa a coffee and Trowa sat down at the table with them. "We were talking about your new routine. Wish I could see it." Trowa nodded and sipped on the coffee. He wasn't sure what Duo wanted him to say. Wasn't sure what he could say. Shandor sighed and glanced at the clock on the wall of his kitchen. "August should be finished by now, Duo. Go and see him." Duo finished his coffee and rose without another word, leaving the trailer. Trowa watched him walk across the grounds. "Moj cenny jeden." Trowa winced and couldn't bring himself to look at Shandor. He had never heard him use that tone, never heard his voice that gentle before. "Have you never thought to go with him?" Trowa did look at Shandor then. "What?" Shandor didn't bother to repeat his question. Trowa frowned and shook his head. "I can't. I can't leave the circus. Cathy -" he stopped himself. Cathy what? Needed him for her act? She had done just fine without him when he had stayed behind for Duo before. Sylvan and Besnik had kept all of the equipment in working order. Pesha had likely been relieved not to have Trowa underfoot. He realized that he wasn't even needed at the circus, and it left him feeling hollow, empty in the worst way possible. "This is your home," Shandor assured him. "And you will always be needed here, Trowa, but we can survive without you." Trowa met Shandor's dark gaze. "Can you survive without him?" Trowa swallowed hard and shook his head. "No," he admitted to the both of them. Shandor held his gaze until Trowa sighed. "So I'm supposed to just pack up a bag and follow him to God knows where and do God knows what?" "Yes." Trowa snorted. "I cannot believe that you, of all people, are telling me to follow him around - like a pet." "You belong to him just as much as he belongs to you," Shandor reminded him. "I fucking know that." Trowa clenched his hands into fists and drew in a deep breath. "There's going to be another war, Shandor. And it won't be as clean as the last one. The sides won't be so obvious - and more innocent people are going to die." Shandor arched an eyebrow. "All the more reason to be fighting beside him then, isn't there?" "What about the troupe? What about Cathy and Sylvan? What about -" "We survived before you, Trowa." "This isn't going to be like the last war, Shandor! You're a Terran - almost every damn one of us is a Terran. This isn't about supporting OZ or the Alliance - this is about the colonists wanted you dead." "We will not run away to Earth and hide, Trowa." Trowa ran a hand through his hair in frustration. Shandor was talking him into a corner, refusing to back down, battering away at all of Trowa's logic. "August asked to see Duo before he left," Shandor spoke into the tense silence. Trowa looked up at him. "Why?" "He wants Duo to stay with the troupe." Trowa frowned. "Why the hell didn't we start this conversation with that?" Shandor gave him a patronizing look. "Will he say yes?" "No," Trowa growled. Duo would not say yes. Duo would not stay. Shandor said nothing, just looked at Trowa until Trowa couldn't stand to be under the piercing weight of his gaze any longer. He got to his feet and left the trailer. Trowa spent the next hour walking the grounds, inspecting the animals and some of the outlying trailers. But everyone and everything was safe. It was as if the universe wanted to mock Trowa for his fears, for his conviction that something would go horribly wrong if he turned his back on the circus for even a second. He forced himself to consider what Shandor had said, forced himself to think about the possibility of just leaving, of going with Duo when he left. By the time he made his way over to Sylvan's trailer he had admitted to himself that he wanted nothing more than to go with Duo. He needed to go with him, to be with him, to be at his side as he faced whatever danger lay ahead. Duo and Sylvan were outside, sitting on the steps leading up to the trailer, and they appeared to be deep in conversation. "...tell them the Diplomat. And you have to get this right, Sylvan, or they'll kill you. You remember it?" Duo was looking at the teenager intently, his face and voice grim. Sylvan nodded. "I remember it," she assured him, her voice barely loud enough for Trowa to hear. "Watch out for him, will ya? Don't let him do anything stupid." Sylvan hugged Duo, wrapped her thin arms around his black clad frame and after a pause, Duo hugged her back, tucking her head on his shoulder. It was in that moment that Duo looked up and saw Trowa watching them. Duo held his gaze even as he held onto Sylvan, and Trowa knew that he would not be leaving the circus to go with Duo. Eventually, Sylvan pulled away and Duo stood. He ruffled her hair and grinned down at her. "Don't let him break any of the equipment either, ok? I'm leaving you in charge of all repairs, brat." Sylvan rubbed at her eyes and then glanced towards Trowa. She nodded, but instead of speaking she went back into her trailer. Duo shoved his hands into his pockets and regarded Trowa. "August wants you to stay." Duo nodded. "So do you." "You said yourself, this is your family, your home." Duo scowled. "It is," he agreed. "But I don't get to have a home or a family, Tro." He offered Trowa a sad smile. "Doesn't seem to be in the cards for me." "Duo -" "Don't, Tro. Please." Duo held up a hand and the look in his eyes was that of a man begging for a stay of execution. Duo knew what he had been about to say, knew that Trowa had been on the verge of committing himself to leaving with him. Trowa nodded and Duo's shoulders drooped in relief. "I, ah, I don't know when I'll be back again." Trowa arched an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you've been operating on a schedule this whole time?" Duo chuckled. "No, no, I haven't. But things... everything is about to go to shit, Tro, and I'm going to be stuck on the other side of it." There was so much Trowa wanted to say, but nothing that he could say. "I... well, I don't guess there's any chance you can convince them to go to Earth for the next forever or so?" Duo asked Trowa. He shook his head. "Worth asking," Duo mumbled. He stepped closer to Trowa, close enough that Trowa could reach out and touch him, could lace the fingers of his left hand with Duo's right. Duo squeezed his hand. "I need you to live through this thing, Trowa," Duo said. "I need to know you're going to be safe, that this is all going to be worth it." Trowa wanted to turn the words back at Duo - wanted to tell Duo that he needed those things as well. But they didn't have that kind of relationship. It was Trowa's obligation to see to Duo's needs, to know what he really wanted and needed and to give that to him. And Duo needed this. Needed his assurance and his acceptance. "I survived six months as Une's personal lackey when I was undercover during the war," he reminded Duo. "I can survive this." Duo's lips twitched as he tried to appreciate the humor of Trowa's words. "Please," Duo said once again, before he released Trowa's hand and walked away. ~ * ~ |
