"Before Now"

Written By: Clara Barton

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. The following is an intellectual exercise with no intention of profit. That said, these characterizations, words, and situations are mine. Please ask before reprinting.

Rating: NC 17

Warnings: Angst, language, sex, angst

Pairings: 1x2x3

Summary: Two stories of friendship, love and loss told fourteen years apart.

"Before Now"

Chapter Three

Before

"You guys going to Relena's Halloween party next week?"

It was ten-thirty at night and the cross country team had just returned from a meet.

While most of the team had already gone home, Trowa, Heero and Duo were still at the school, sitting on the curb by the gym waiting for their rides. Khushrenada waited with them, sitting in his car reading, clearly in need of quiet time after a day spent with high schoolers.

Duo wondered about him, wondered why the hell he taught high school Spanish when he clearly spent his spare time fantasizing gruesome deaths for his students.

Trowa shook his head in the negative, which didn't surprise Duo. Over the past few weeks, he'd gotten to know Trowa fairly well, and had certainly had more than ample opportunity to hear the town gossip about Trowa and his sister. He didn't blame Trowa for passing on the party, all things considered.

"I have to," Heero growled and Duo had to smirk.

He'd gotten to know Heero too, and while cranky seemed to be Heero's standard mood most of the time, any mention of Relena was guaranteed to turn up his irritation a few notches.

"Your Dad making you go?"

Heero nodded.

Duo didn't envy Heero in the least, didn't envy the fact that he had a step-father or the fact that he was the chief of police - Duo had found it enough of a challenge to watch his mouth around Father Maxwell and Helen. Town gossip had it that Odin Lowe was a hard man and especially hard on Heero, especially after Heero's mother had died three years ago.

Trowa arched an eyebrow at Duo, silently asking if he was going to attend.

Duo shrugged.

"Dunno if I'm going to go. Helen thinks I should."

Helen, it had become clear on day one with the Maxwells, had a soft heart and was determined to make Duo feel like as much of a normal teenager and a part of their family as possible. Which included hints about attending the Halloween party thrown by the most popular girl in the school.

Duo grinned at Heero.

"Whatcha gonna dress up as?"

"A cross country runner," Heero muttered and Trowa snorted in amusement.

Heero's lips twitched upwards slightly at the sound, and Duo found himself smiling as well. It always felt like a victory if Trowa laughed - or even snorted in amusement.

"I'm probably going to go as Princess Leia," Duo said.

It was Heero who laughed now, a deep chuckle that Duo also considered a victory.

Trowa, however, looked at him seriously.

"Don't. No one will appreciate it. They'll punish you for it."

Duo and Heero's humor evaporated.

"I won't," Duo sat up and he felt like an asshole, could see that Trowa was thinking horribly dark thoughts and maybe he should have thought about that before going for the joke. Should have realized the joke was not that good in the first place.

A black sedan pulled up and Heero sighed and stood.

"See you on Monday, buddy," Duo said.

Heero nodded, hesitated for a moment, and then turned back to look at them.

"It was good running with you today."

It was kind of a weird thing to say, Duo thought, especially considering that the three of them had only placed in the middle of the pack - fifteenth, sixteenth and seventeenth, but it hadn't been their worst finish, though not their best. The weekend before the three of them had actually placed higher than the upperclassmen, coming in tenth, eleventh and twelfth. Still.

"It was good running with you, too," Duo said.

Heero smiled slightly, nodded, and then shouldered his bag and walked over to his father's car.

"You guys and your social skills..." Duo muttered. "Couldn't the guy have just said it's nice having you two as friends?"

"He did say that - he just used different words."

Duo looked over at Trowa and then leaned in to nudge his shoulder.

"And you just say it without words, huh?"

Trowa gave him a look.

"I don't really want friends," he muttered.

"Yeah, well, I don't really want an A in geometry, either. I fucking need it, so I've learned to just accept it."

Trowa shook his head.

"I don't need -"

"Hey. Tro."

Duo waited until Trowa was looking at him before speaking again.

"I've been through a lot of shit in my life. Dealing with the kids here is just more of the same." Duo shrugged and swallowed hard. "Plus I've never really had friends."

It had been a bit difficult, considering how frequently he was moved between group homes and foster families and of course, his six month vacation at Tryon Residential Center in upstate New York last year, where he had first met Father Maxwell.

Trowa frowned.

"But why me?"

"I dunno. You're a puzzle, and I've always liked puzzles."

Trowa snorted and looked away, glared out at the parking lot.

"So you're going to figure me out and then get bored."

"No way. Dude, I've had the same Rubix cube since I was six. I don't get bored of puzzles."

"How many times have you solved the Rubik's cube?"

"Once - but I think I've almost got it worked out again."

Trowa smiled, just slightly, but Duo once again counted it as a victory.

"When are your rides getting here?"

Khushrenada had stepped out of his car and had his arms crossed over his chest and a scowl on his face.

"Think he's asking so he can decide if he has enough time to murder us and hide our bodies?" Duo asked Trowa under his breath.

"Your sense of humor is broken," Trowa muttered back.

"Tell me about it."

"Boys."

"Uh, I was just going to walk home," Duo spoke up. The Maxwell's only lived two miles away from the school, and he hadn't wanted either of them to have to stay up and get him. Not when they both got up so early on Sundays for church.

"Me too. My sister is working tonight."

Khushrenada rolled his eyes and gestured to his car.

"Get in."

"Well, it was nice knowing you, Tro," Duo said and stood up. He reached down and offered Trowa a hand up. "Will ya hold my hand as he kills us?"

"Seriously broken," Trowa said again but accepted the hand up.

Unfortunately for Duo's curiosity, Khushrenada dropped Duo off first, so he didn't get to see where Trowa lived, or how close they might be to each other.

He let himself into the Maxwell house and dropped his gear in the laundry room as Helen had requested and then swung by the kitchen on his way upstairs.

Duo hadn't been able to sleep, his first night in the house, and he'd snuck downstairs to just sit in the kitchen for a while and Father Maxwell had found him there, had made them both grilled cheese sandwiches and hadn't forced Duo to talk, had just sat with him while he ate and then patted his shoulder and suggested he try to sleep when they were finished.

He still had trouble sleeping some nights, still found it hard to believe, surreal and just wrong sometimes, that he had been adopted by these people. That he had a room of his own. Slept on sheets that didn't smell like piss. Had clothes that had been bought for him and not just assigned to him after having been worn by countless others.

And of course, after Helen had told him he was welcome to any food in the house so long as he didn't eat too much sugar, Duo had decided that on those nights he couldn't sleep well, there was nothing wrong with a late night snack.

He'd been able to sleep for hours on the bus that day, first going to the meet and then on the way back, and wasn't at all tired despite the fact that it was almost midnight.

Duo made himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, poured a glass of milk, and sat down at the table to eat.

"I was starting to worry about you."

Duo almost spilled his milk, he was so startled by the appearance of Father Maxwell.

"Shit. I'm sorry - oh. Crap. I'm sorry again," he apologized when he realized what he had said.

Father Maxwell sighed, half in exasperation, half in amusement, and waved aside Duo's apologies. The swearing was a constant struggle for Duo, but he was trying. Not succeeding all that well, but trying all the same.

"I didn't mean to wake you up," he tried again.

"You didn't. I've been waiting up for you."

Duo frowned.

"But it's almost midnight - you get up at like six in the morning."

"Yes, but I wanted to make sure you got home safely."

Yet another thing Duo wasn't really used to.

"Sorry. I was going to walk home but I waited around with Heero and Trowa for a while and then the coach drove me home. Me and Trowa."

Father Maxwell nodded.

"How did you do today?"

"Okay. I came in sixteenth. Heero came in fifteenth and Trowa came in sixteenth."

"You boys always seem to place together."

Father Maxwell sat down at the table with Duo and he offered up half of his sandwich. Father Maxwell accepted it.

"Yeah. It's cool having those two to run with. I think Heero and I really push each other, yanno? And Trowa - I mean, it's so obvious he could beat either of us but he just keeps pace with us." It was another part of the puzzle, to Duo.

Father Maxwell frowned slightly.

"Trowa has had a... very troubled life, Duo."

"I'm not sure what that has to do with his running."

"I simply want to make sure that you are aware that he is..."

"Gay?"

Father Maxwell sighed.

"He is only a child. He is clearly confused and is struggling to find himself. If he has you and Heero as friends I think that should help him, should allow him to have positive influences in his life."

Duo tried to wrap his head around the concept of himself as a positive influence. Heero, sure. But Duo?

Then again, considering the fact that Father Maxwell said prayers for Cathy every time he saw her, maybe Duo was positive in comparison - at least in Father Maxwell's mind.

"Try not to stay up too late. Remember that you are serving as an acolyte tomorrow morning."

Duo just barely restrained his groan.

He'd known, when Father Maxwell asked to adopt him, that he would have to be involved with the church in some capacity. But he'd kind of thought that maybe he could just do charity work or something, but instead, every Sunday morning he was either sitting with Helen on one of the front pews, or serving as an acolyte.

The weird thing, of course, was that aside from the fact that he didn't get to sleep in, he actually kind of enjoyed it. Enjoyed getting to wear the cassock and light candles and maybe he didn't agree all that much with the Bible, but Father Maxwell had a great voice and always seemed to give interesting sermons.

"Helen wants to take you shopping for your Halloween costume tomorrow afternoon, if you have your homework finished," Father Maxwell continued.

Duo nodded.

"Yeah, I just don't know what I want to dress up as. I've never... I mean, I've never had a real Halloween costume before."

Once, when he was eight, he'd done the whole trick or treating thing with Solo, and they'd dressed up in black shirts and rubbed ketchup all over their mouths and noses and ripped up their shirts. Zombies, Solo had said they were zombies.

"I mean, I could always go as Jesus, I guess..."

Father Maxwell rolled his eyes.

The warden at Tryon had suggested Father Maxwell force Duo to get his hair cut, and Father Maxwell had rocked back on his heels and actually glared at the warden, had calmly told him that if Jesus could have long hair, there was absolutely no reason that Duo couldn't. Duo had just stared at him, open mouthed, unable to believe that this guy was for real.

"I suppose he was the original zombie," Father Maxwell mused, a smirk on his face, "but I trust you can come up with something a little more appropriate."

"I guess..." Duo sighed theatrically.

Now

Duo hadn't wanted to come back. Had promised himself, ten years ago, that he would never set foot in Granville again, would never speak to Father Maxwell or have to look at any of the hypocrites in this town or re-live any of his teenage years ever again.

And yet. Here he was. Parking his rental car in the church parking lot, in the same spot where he and Trowa had made out and traded hand jobs in the back seat of his truck years ago, the one time Trowa had come to a church service, the Christmas of their senior year in high school.

Duo sighed, pulled himself together, and got out of the car.

He wouldn't have come, wouldn't be in this hell hole at all, if it wasn't for Wufei and Quatre, the meddling pricks.

First Wufei, calling him to say that Father Maxwell had died and then having the balls to tell him it was okay when Duo started to cry. And he still didn't want to dwell on that, didn't want to think about the fact that he had only cried five times in his life and one of those was for the death of a man who had turned his back on Duo.

And then Quatre, the polished, successful lawyer who had just returned to Granville to join his family's practice after clerking for the Supreme Court for two years. Quatre, calling him about the fucking will and telling him he had to be there, had to come to Granville and it was just for one day - a few at most to sort things out, and that there were so many people who would want to see him again and he owed Father Maxwell this.

And maybe Duo did owe Father Maxwell this, but he sure as hell didn't have to like it, didn't have to like all the memories this place brought back, didn't have to like the fact that he found himself looking over his shoulder as he walked towards the cemetery, hoping not to see anyone he recognized as everyone got back into their cars and left.

Of course Wufei had called again, only yesterday, as Duo was still debating whether or not to come back, after he'd spent an hour on the phone with Hilde who had listened to him bitch and concluded the conversation by saying he should do whatever he would regret the least. So that had still been in his mind, the words fresh and painful because Duo had a lot of fucking regrets, when Wufei had called and told him that Trowa was taking care of Death for now, that when Duo got to Granville he should stop by Trowa's house to get the dog.

When.

Because Wufei had probably sat there beside Hilde while she talked to Duo, had probably been doing the fucking crossword or something while his girlfriend talked to her best friend and then he had pounced, had known, probably, that the mention of Trowa and Death would seal Duo's fate.

And of course, as he approached the fresh grave, Duo looked up to see two of his biggest regrets standing there, grim expressions on their faces.

He hadn't been surprised when Heero's expression had shifted to hostility. He knew him well enough, or at least, he had known him well enough, to know that Heero usually reacted with anger first before he allowed himself to really think through his emotions.

He had been surprised, just a little, when Trowa shifted closer to Heero, when his body language made it clear that he was on Heero's side, was standing beside him and was with him in his anger.

Years ago, sure, he had been ganged up on by the two of them often enough. But now?

Hilde had told him they rarely spoke to each other. They had a few beers with each other a few times a month but that was it - they barely even acknowledged each other in public and Heero had been living with Relena for the last three years.

So he hadn't thought they were still a team. Hadn't realized - then again, maybe Duo's presence was just the incentive they needed to get together?

He had to smirk at that thought.

Wouldn't that just be perfect, all things considered. Father Maxwell's death and Duo's return bringing Heero and Trowa together. Absolutely perfect.

"You're late."

Heero's voice was like ice, like when Duo had told him he had been accepted to NYU and was going to go, wasn't going to join Heero at State.

"I know."

They weren't talking about the funeral.

"Oh, Duo. I didn't know you were coming!"

Relena interrupted the moment, stepped in Duo's line of vision and ended the glaring contest between Heero and Duo.

Duo offered her a smile.

"Yeah. I didn't either until this morning." He looked past her shoulder, over to where Wufei was talking to the reverend - Gibson? Duo thought that was him. Hilde had described him pretty well.

Relena hugged him and Duo awkwardly patted her back.

He'd never really known what to think of her. And now... now that she and Heero lived together he really didn't know what he thought of her. He knew she had always liked Heero, had always thrown herself at him because he was the one guy who seemed more or less indifferent to her. He didn't know how much Relena knew about him or Heero or Trowa, or what they had had together. Or what Heero might have told her.

"I'm so sorry you missed the service. Father Gibson did a wonderful job. He and Father Maxwell were very close - he wasn't alone, even after Helen died."

Duo swallowed hard at that, at the reminder that Helen was dead and the fact that he hadn't been here then, hadn't wanted to come back to all of this, even to say goodbye to her. And he did regret that, all the damn time and damn Hilde for using that against him, for manipulating him into this.

Duo nodded.

"Good. That's good."

"We should go."

Heero was suddenly there, hand on Relena's elbow, gaze still cold.

"Yes. Duo, how long are you in town for?"

Duo shrugged and shoved his hands deeper into his pockets.

Helen had tried to break him of that habit, had tried to get him to stand up straight and be proud and tall and whatever.

"Dunno. Have a few things to take care of. Hopefully not long."

Relena nodded and rested her hand on his arm for a moment before stepping back.

"Well, if you are able to come over for dinner one night, I know Heero and I would like that."

He had to stare at her, and Heero did the same.

Was she out of her mind?

But Relena just gave him a subdued, serene smile and walked away, Heero following a moment later.

Duo saw that Trowa had also left, which meant Duo was alone with Wufei and Father Gibson and he had thought seeing Heero and Trowa again was going to be the worst part of this whole thing and he was so very, very wrong.

"I'm very sorry for your loss, Duo. Father Maxwell spoke of you often and he was so very proud of you."

Father Gibson spoke the words so damned sincerely and Duo stared at him in shock.

"What?"

"We used to meet several days a week. He humored me by looking over my sermons and he always spoke of you. Always showed off your books and saved all of the reviews and articles about you. He loved you very much, Duo. It was good of you to come and say goodbye."

And then Duo was crying again. For the sixth damn time in his life and Wufei held him and Father Gibson rubbed soothing circles on his back.

Duo hadn't wanted to come back, because he hadn't wanted to re-live all of the terrible things that had happened to him here in Granville. He had never thought that he'd be forced to re-live the good things, never thought that he'd be forced to remember that, whatever else had happened, Father Maxwell had loved him.

~ * ~

Chapter 4

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